


Where You Go, I'll Follow

by fourdrunksluts, reversecow



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Blow Jobs, Canon Compliant, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Frottage, Grinding, Growing Up, M/M, Malum/Lashton/Cake/Mashton make appearances, Masturbation, Miscommunication, Muke and Cashton are the main ships, OT4, Pining, Recreational marijuana use - Freeform, Rimming, Sexual Tension, Shower Sex, Slow Burn, Spanking, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-03
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:42:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 211,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22092763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fourdrunksluts/pseuds/fourdrunksluts, https://archiveofourown.org/users/reversecow/pseuds/reversecow
Summary: Longsos,  /lŏng·saws/NounA documentation of 5 Seconds of Summer from the very beginning.*This story follows Calum, Michael, Luke, and Ashton on their journey to self-discovery. Through first loves, heartbreaks, and friendship, this is the behind the scenes of what the cameras didn't show through the years.
Relationships: Calum Hood/Ashton Irwin, Michael Clifford/Luke Hemmings
Comments: 156
Kudos: 196





	1. 2007

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from _Telephone_ by Waterparks

**2007**

_January 29_

It’s the first day of classes and Calum’s terrified to be starting a new school. Everybody already knows each other, already has their group of friends, and he’s going to be that weird outsider with nobody to talk to. He’ll be forced to sit in the front row with the nerdy kids, and the teacher will call on him like he knows anything, even though he _doesn’t_. He’ll have to sit all by himself at lunch while people make fun of him for his shoes or something. 

Or, at least, that’s what he cries to his older sister, Mali-Koa, as they walk together to school. She’s more than consoling, telling him he’s worrying about nothing and that he’ll make friends easily, but when he walks into his first class of the day, alone, her words have done nothing to ease the anxiousness in his chest. 

There are a few free seats in the classroom, but Calum knows which one he wants the moment he sees it. It’s in the back - not in the corner, but almost - and the seats next to it are taken by two people who aren’t talking to anybody else, so Calum doesn’t have to worry about them laughing at him as he almost trips in his haste to sit down. 

The girl to Calum’s right is doodling in her notebook - Calum notices that it’s old and has a lot of pages almost falling out. He looks down to his new, unused notebook and frowns. It would probably look a lot better with some ink. He searches in his book bag and almost starts crying when he comes up empty, realizing that he left his pencil bag at home. The girl next to him must sense his panic because when he sits up, she’s holding out her short pencil, offering it. He takes it with a smile, saying a quiet “ _Thank you_ ” that’s met with nothing back. 

He grabs his _Digimon_ notebook, flipping it open to the first page and starts to draw geometrical shapes, coloring them in with different patterns. The other students in the room are all laughing together, greeting each other excitedly when they meet up with friends that they haven’t seen all summer. Calum feels immediately left out. 

It’s when there’s a lull in conversation, the entire room going quiet for an odd moment, that Calum hears something familiar. He looks over to his left to see the boy next to him, leaning heavily on his left palm. It’s not until Calum looks closer that he realizes the boy is listening to his music through an earbud hidden in his hoodie. 

Calum gapes at him, shocked at the bravery he has to be listening to music in class. Everybody knows better to do that, no matter _what_ school you go to. Calum had his CD player taken away from him for a whole term at his last school because he couldn’t stop listening to the _From Under the Cork Tree_ album by _Fall Out Boy_. He never brought a musical device to school again - not even when his parents bought him an mp3 player for his tenth birthday. 

In the hushed classroom, Calum can almost hear the song his neighbor is listening to. The chatter of the other students picks back up, getting loud again just as Calum recognizes a familiar voice yell-singing “ _It feels like stealing hearts calling your name from the crowd_.” He gasps, turning to face the boy who hasn’t even realized he’s stolen all of Calum’s focus. 

“I _love_ that song,” Calum says, voice picking up to be heard over the music. 

The boy looks up, his earbud falling out, _Dear Maria Count Me In_ playing more clearly in his palm. His eyes are green, wide as they take in Calum’s awed smile. “Me too,” he agrees. “They’re really good.” 

“Yeah,” Calum nods. The music is still playing between them, and Calum feels like he can talk to this quiet boy. “My mom got me the _So Wrong, It’s Right_ CD. I play it all the time at home.” 

“That’s cool.” 

The boy looks a little unsure of Calum, and were it any other day at any other place, Calum would leave him be. As it stands, he’s got nobody else to talk to and this boy may be a little shy, but he’s not being mean, and Calum really needs a friend. “I’m Calum.” He thinks about sticking his hand out but decides not to. 

“I’m Michael,” the boy returns before putting his earbud back in and looks away.

Calum almost lets it go, he almost doesn’t say anything else and goes back to his drawing, but there’s something about Michael’s eyes as he stares down at his empty desk, one of Calum’s favorite bands playing in his ear, that makes him want to react. So he leans forward, tapping Michael’s shoulder. When Michael looks up, Calum rushes out in one breath, “Do you wanna come over after school today? We can listen to it together. I think my mom’s making spaghetti.”

“… Are you sure?” Michael asks after a moment of hesitation. Calum nods immediately, head bobbing too quickly on his skinny frame. 

“Yeah, it’ll be fun!” 

Michael smiles suddenly and Calum sighs out in relief. “Okay. I’ll call my mom at lunch and see if it’s okay with her.” 

Their teacher comes in then, asking everybody to quiet down as she welcomes them to their first day of Year Six. She goes over what they’ll be learning about this year, but Calum and Michael don’t pay any mind, passing notes to each other for the next two hours about their favorite songs. When they break for a short recess, Michael guides them over to the payphone outside of the gymnasium and calls him mom. 

In just half the school day, Calum’s gone from fearing being a big loser to having a possible friend in the making. Living in Sydney might not be the worst thing after all. In fact, Calum thinks his notebook might just have a purpose now - to tell the story of his awesome new pal, Michael.

*****

Walking home with Calum is far more exciting than taking the bus has ever been. They have to wait by the front gate of the school for his sister to join them, but she’s really nice and doesn’t ask Michael any more questions than he feels comfortable asking, and is pretty good about letting them have their own conversation. When they get to Calum’s house, Mali-Koa immediately disappears up the stairs, leaves the two boys by ruffling their hair.

He doesn’t have any siblings of his own, so he can only smile at the gesture. He met Mali not even thirty minutes ago, and already he feels more welcomed than any of his classmates have made him feel. 

Calum’s parents aren’t home yet, so they raid the cupboards for snacks and eat Tim Tams at the counter, surrounded by unpacked boxes stacked high. When they’re done, Calum suggests watching television because he doesn’t have his Xbox 360 unpacked yet, so Michael makes them wash their chocolate-covered hands. 

They don’t get to turn the TV on right away because as soon as they step over the threshold, Michael sees a Yamaha Pacifica standing up next to the fireplace. 

“Hey, do you play the guitar?” Michael asks, a gasp in his voice. He has two guitars of his own, but he plays by himself. He wants to be in a famous emo band one day, and if Calum plays too, maybe they can start one together. 

“I can play a little bit,” Calum tells him, not sounding incredibly interested as he makes his way over to the couch. “But it’s not really my thing. That’s my sister’s. She’s pretty good.” Michael nods, feeling his shoulders drop knowing that Calum wouldn’t be too interested in joining his band. “Do you play at all?” 

Michael shrugs, feeling shy about admitting it being one of his only hobbies. “Yeah, a little bit.” 

“Show me!” Despite being so blase about it earlier, Calum looks excited now to see Michael play. He reaches for the guitar, throwing a glance to the stairs in case Mali-Koa comes running down to yell at him for touching her property, but nobody appears. He takes a seat on the stone of the furnace as Calum kneels in front of him. 

Nerves bubble in Michael stomach. He knows he’s alright at playing, but he’s not _amazing_ , and he really wants to impress Calum. For some reason, in his mind, he believes if he does a good enough job, Calum will think he’s cool and want to be his friend. It’s not logical, but it’s the reason why he shakes through the first notes of _Seven Nation Army_ , not getting his fingering right at a few parts. Even so, Calum watches on, dark brown eyes wide in fascination, staring at where Michael strums. 

“Whoa,” Calum breathes out when Michael finishes, leaning forward on his knees. “You’re really good at that.” 

Michael shrugs, trying not to smile too big. He didn’t do as well as he wanted to, but he’s proud of himself for holding it together enough to have Calum looking at him like that. “It’s not that hard.” He doesn't tell Calum that he learned how to play for his church band. That's not very cool at all. 

“No, that was cool,” Calum insists. His small hand reaches out, placing it on Michael’s knee. “You could be a rockstar someday.” Calum will never know, but his words are the spark that ignite the fire of their friendship. Michael’s always wanted to be famous, and Calum’s few words are a beacon of light, an inspiration neither of them realize he needed. “Hey, wanna watch _The Simpsons_ until my mom and dad get home?” 

Michael says yes. He doesn’t even really like the show that much, but he doesn’t care. For the first time, it feels like he’s finally made a _real_ friend. 

  
  


_April 26_

It’s halfway through the second term of the year when Michael knows for sure that he and Calum are going to be best friends forever. 

They’re eating lunch together, like they always do, laughing about something that happened just over the past weekend when Mali-Koa took them to the arcade, when Eric Reed approaches their table, his hands falling heavily to the edge, and sneers at Michael. 

“Hey Clifford, finally found someone who can put up with your emo ass?” 

Michael frowns at the tone, eyes falling to his half-eaten lunch, spoon mixing his mashed potatoes around. “Shut up, Eric,” he mutters. Across from him, Calum’s lips thin in a frown, and Michael closes his eyes. Soon Calum will realize what a loser Michael is and leave him to sit with cool people like Eric and Mckenzie and Jake and all of _their_ friends. 

“Nice comeback,” Eric laughs. His hand reaches out, ruffling the edge of Michael’s fringe. “Nice hair, too. You look like Paramore’s ugly sister.” 

Michael pouts, hand reaching up to fix his hair. He spent far too long trying to get it right this morning - he doesn’t need somebody messing it all up. “That’s not her name, you idiot,”

“Whatever, I don’t listen to that shit,” Eric rolls his eyes. “I have _friends_ to hang out with.” 

“Hey!” Both Eric and Michael look up at Calum’s sudden yell. His eyes are slitted, a tense frown sat on his face. “Leave him alone!” He reaches out, small hand curled into a fist as he punches Erics shoulder. It looks a little hard, like it might bruise, but all it does is have Eric’s arm buckling a little where he’s leaning against the desk. 

It only takes three seconds for Eric to pull back and punch Calum in the face. He falls off the bench at the force of it, the sound of his cry cutting off Michael’s gasp. Eric walks away quickly as Michael yells a shaky “Oh my _god_ ,” rushing out of his seat and around the table to where Calum’s tiny frame is lying on the ground, hands cupped around his bloody nose. “Oh my god, oh my god!” 

“ _Owwww_ ,” Calum whines out as he sits up. There’s a few tears at the corner of his eyes as he gushes blood all over his uniform. 

“Oh my god, we have to go to the nurse,” Michael tells him. He helps Calum stand as the students around them all stare - a few laughing but most just watching - and they make their way out of the cafeteria. “Holy fuck, you’re bleeding, did he break your nose?” Michael rambles. “Oh my god, I can’t believe you punched him. Like you actually hit him.” Calum’s wiping his eyes, but trying to pretend that he isn’t crying. The bottom half of his face is covered in blood, and Michael would be grossed out if he didn’t have all this adrenaline running through him. “That was so bad ass, you’re the coolest person _ever_ . I can’t believe you just _punched_ him.” 

When they get to the nurses office, she asks the full story and then she chastises them for fighting, but says that somebody will deal with Eric. She cleans up Calum’s face and hands him an ice pack to help the swelling goes down. His nose isn’t broken, but there’s going to be a pretty big bruise for a few days. 

As they’re waiting for the okay to go to class, sitting alone in the office, Calum starts giggling. Michael, still scandalized at the courage and overall fearlessness of his friend, just asks, “What?”

“I got _punched_ ,” Calum tells him, smile hidden behind his ice-filled fist. At the cool tone, Michael’s fear lessens and he finds himself laughing too. 

“I can’t believe you did that.” 

“Nobody messes with my best friend,” Calum says easily, no hesitation or trepidation in his voice, like he knows he did the right thing, and that he’s certain he’d do it again. 

Michael’s never had a friend before, let alone a _best_ friend, and he vows, then and there, to never let anything get in between them. Calum took a fist to the face for Michael from someone twice his size - Michael’s going to spend the rest of his life making sure Calum knows how much that meant to him. 

They’re going to be friends forever. 


	2. 2010

**2010**

_January 27_

The first day of Year Nine, Calum finds himself so excited to have his first period class - Maths - with Michael. It’s their first year at Norwest Christian College and Calum thinks he may be too small to be there. Everybody is at least thirty feet taller than him, and the hallways are really big, and there are about a million more students than Calum’s used to. 

He knows he’s exaggerating, alright? He’s just incredibly nervous, and the only thing getting him through it is having Michael right beside him, telling him all the bad gossip he heard from his locker neighbor at orientation. 

Just as the bell rings, someone runs into the classroom, blue eyes wide as he pants, looking moments away from falling over in exhaustion. His eyes scan the front of the room, clearly looking for a place to sit, shoulders falling in disappointment when he has to settle for the last seat left, only two rows in front of Calum’s seat. 

Sensing Calum’s attention having drifted, Michael follows his line of sight, scoffing when he takes in sight of the boy, nearly tripping over the leg of a desk, earning himself laughs from a few jerks in the corner. Calum feels himself frowning, pity burning in his throat for the boy, but Michael doesn’t have the same sympathy. “Who’s that supposed to be?” 

“I don’t know,” Calum answers, still staring as the boy falls into his seat, sinking in the chair a bit with everyone’s eyes on him. “Kid from a different primary school, looks like.” 

“Nice _glasses_ ,” Michael mocks, and Calum can’t help but agree. He doesn’t want to tease the boy, but they’re pretty ugly glasses. 

Class drags on, the teacher skipping all usual first-day introductions that the students were accustomed to before secondary school and getting started on their first lesson. Calum learns that the boy’s name is _Luke_ because the teacher calls on him a lot. He raises his hand for every question and gets every answer right. 

Every time Luke gets to speak, Michael rolls his eyes, snotty remark falling from his pouting lips. Calum doesn’t quite get to the same level of annoyance at Luke, doesn’t really get the intense dislike. 

It all comes to a head as they’re leaving, Calum trailing behind his friend. Luke’s still at his desk, collecting all of his materials. As Michael walks past his desk, his hip swings sideways, nudging into the boy, slightly pushing him off his balance. “Sorry,” Michael grunts, sniffing immediately afterwards.

*****

“I just don’t get the point of algebra,” Michael whines. They’ve been talking about their classes for the past fifteen minutes of lunch, and he still isn’t over how fucking stupid it all is. “I’m gonna be famous anyways, I don’t need to know the quadratic formula for that.” Calum stays quiet, just nodding as he eats his peanut butter sandwich, so Michael keeps going, feeling like he needs to get his words out. “And what the hell was up with the new guy? _Luke,”_ He does air quotes around the name, rolling his eyes with it. “Like, try shutting up for one second. We get it, you’re good at Maths. And did you see his hair? It’s like he can’t decide if he’s a surfer or my mom. He’s the _worst.”_

Just a few feet over from where they’re sitting, Luke walks into the cafeteria with his lunch bag in his hand. He’s looking around for some place to sit, and as he nears their table, Michael’s foot kicks out, colliding with Calum’s shin, making him jump and hiss in pain.

“Shut up,” Michael snaps, and Calum jumps again, his eyes widening with an unknown question in them. “Here he comes.” Luke walks past their table, looking at Calum and Michael, a small smile on his face. Calum opens his mouth to say something, but Michael doesn’t want this stupid kid to think it’s some sort of invitation, so Michael scowls to scare him away. When Luke frowns, feet dragging as he continues his search, only to end up sitting alone, something twists in Michael’s stomach, and he instantly blames it on his hot lunch. “How does he even walk on those legs? They’re way too long.” 

“I think he’s like your height,” Calum comments, shoving his last bite into his mouth. 

“Yeah, but he’s all leg,” Michael defends, not liking that he’s being compared to the new kid as if they’re even close to being in the same league. “He looks like a praying mantis with his legs and those glasses.” 

His insult evokes a laugh from Calum, and it lightens Michael up, making him feel satisfied, less like he’s going to come undone with his hate for this stupid Luke boy. The weird feeling in his stomach dissipates and just turns into a comfortable dislike. 

He doesn’t like Luke and that’s that.

  
  
  


_July 19_

The start of the third term in Year Nine isn’t as exciting as the first two. Calum already knows all of the teachers and most of his classmates, and there are no surprises in the building. He can find his way easily, and doesn’t have to worry about getting lost. The only downside is that Calum has only two classes with Michael, and they’re after lunch, leaving him to face four hours of school before he can see his best friend. 

Even worse, now that Mali’s done with school, Calum’s had to wake _himself_ up every morning, and last night he forgot to set his alarm. He misses his first class completely and _barely_ makes it into his second one - science - before the bell rings and the teacher shuts the door, preventing late students to join. 

Every seat is taken in the back of the classroom, leaving only two left. There’s one in the second row next to the window, but Adam Thomas is sitting in front of it, and he always smells like wet dog. That leaves him with only one option. Not only is it at the front of the class, but it’s next to Luke Hemmings. Calum doesn’t personally have a problem with Luke, but anytime his name is brought up near Michael, the other boy gets unreasonably irritated. 

Michael isn’t in this class though, so Calum takes the seat, glad that at least Luke showers regularly. 

When Calum reaches into his backpack to pull out his materials, he notices that in his haste, he left his pencil bag at home. In his head, he can envision exactly where it is - sitting on his desk, next to the audition form for the school’s winter football league that his dad wanted him to fill out. He lets out a quiet, “ _Darn it!_ ” 

“Hey.” There’s a whisper next to him, and Calum looks over to see Luke with a pencil in his hand, offering it to Calum. 

At first, Calum bites his lip, wanting to reject it, to be united with Michael, but he doesn’t have anything to write with and he really doesn’t want to get in trouble. “Thanks.” He takes the pencil, and Luke grins at him, like Calum’s the one that did _him_ a favor. 

It feels uncomfortable sitting next to Luke, knowing that Luke knows that Michael doesn’t like him… Calum prays things won’t always stay this complicated. 

During class, Luke raises his hand for every answer, and Calum gets how it can kind of be annoying, but he still doesn’t hate it to the same degree that Michael does. It’s just a general annoyance, maybe a bit too much, and for a moment, Calum considers he may be smug in his intelligence, but that thought doesn’t last very long at all. 

There comes a question about tectonic plates, something Calum knows next to nothing about, and Luke _doesn’t_ raise his hand. Despite not choosing him very often, the teacher turns her attention to him and calls him out for the one question he doesn’t know the answer to. “Luke? No answer for this one?” Luke shakes his head in response, a cherry red blush staining his skin. He sinks down in his seat with the heat of her glare. “Shame.” She turns back around and writes the answer on the board. 

Calum looks over to check on Luke, and he looks moments away from crying. He knows then, that Luke’s not just some annoying know-it-all, and that their teacher is a villain. Feeling bad for him, Calum doodles a small picture on the corner of his syllabus of the teacher being eaten by a dragon. It’s very bad, but when he passes it over, Luke smiles, sniffling a little. 

It’s nothing big, but it seems to lift Luke’s spirits because as they’re packing up their things after class and Calum goes to hand Luke his pencil back, Luke just shakes his head. 

“Here.” Calum tries to pass the pencil back as he stands up. “Thanks for letting me borrow this.” 

“You can keep it if you want,” Luke tells him. “Thank you for being nice to me.” It’s said with a shy smile, and then Luke’s walking away, head ducked down, books hugged to his chest. Immediately Calum regrets ever siding with Michael. As much as he loves his best friend, Luke Hemmings is a nice boy, and he doesn’t deserve to be hated. 

Two classes later, he and Michael meet up at the lunch table. Michael’s already sitting with his hot lunch tray in front of him when Calum drops his brown paper bag down. “Justin Simon is in my science class, Cal,” is his opening greeting. He’s frowning as he mixes his mac and cheese around, stabbing at a noodle every few rotations. “He spent the whole time picking his fucking nose and flicking it at the beaker cabinets. I almost puked.” Calum looks around to make sure no teachers can overhear his friend’s dirty mouth as Michael takes a bite of his food, asking with a full mouth, “Who’s in your science?” 

“Mine’s okay,” Calum shrugs, throwing his leg over the bench and taking a seat. “I have Olivia, Jared, and Amy. I sat next to Luke in the front though.”

“ _Luke?_ ” Michael shouts, mouth falling open, looking at Calum in disgust. Calum rolls his eyes, knowing he shouldn’t have even said anything. _“_ What the fuck, Calum?” 

Even louder now, Calum does another double take to make sure there aren’t any teachers around. Michael’s gotten in the habit of swearing more often, and it constantly puts Calum on edge. At least he’s learned to not be so scandalized in private - at school, though, Michael should know better. “Every other seat was taken! He’s not that bad actually, Mikey.” 

“Not that bad?” Michael spits - literally. A piece of his mac and cheese flies at him. “Calum, he’s my mortal enemy.” 

“Does he know that?”

Michael stabs his juice box and gives Calum a pointed expression, eyes as wide as they’ve ever been, lips flat. “You’re not allowed to be his friend.” It’s said with a tone of finality, and Calum wants to fight, but his personality is far too submissive to put up with Michael’s order.

“Fine!” He shouts, glaring to show that even though he’s agreeing, it’s not happily. “I’m not.”

“Good.” 

As Calum unwraps his sandwich, taking a miserable bite, Michael changes topics, listing off the people in his maths class and expecting an even trade of information. Calum thinks that what Michael doesn’t know won’t hurt him - if he wants to be friends with Luke, nobody can stop him. Especially if Luke and Calum's journal are the only two that know. 

  
  
  


_August 27_

Michael’s so excited for Third Term to end. Only like three more weeks and Michael can spend his days waking up at noon and playing video games with Calum. They have plans for a sleepover tonight to get a month advance on the plans - a practice of sorts. They’re supposed to meet at the front gate right after school, but Michael doesn’t get the chance to beat the rush of students. 

As soon as he’s packing up his books, getting ready to run out the door, he’s stopped by his teacher. “Michael, could you stay back for a few minutes, please?” 

Michael curses at not having been fast enough. He knows _exactly_ what this is about. He wasn’t in class the past couple of days, and it’s not the first time he’s missed consecutive days. It’s not that he’s sick or unable to get to school - sometimes he just doesn’t want to come, and his parents go to work early enough that Michael can get away with it easily. 

It’s not like he even needs school anyway. He’s probably going to end up dropping out when his music career takes off. 

Once the class is cleared out, the last student strolling out like he has no place to be, the teacher turns to him, a concerned look on his face. “Michael, I wanted to ask you, is everything okay at home?” 

“Everything’s fine.” He taps his foot, arms crossing defensively. He knows he’s being short, a little rude, but he doesn’t care enough to be here. Calum’s waiting for him, and the teacher’s only going to yell at him anyway. 

“You missed quite a few classes this week, I thought I’d check in with you. You need to be attending your scheduled classes, and if there are no extenuating circumstances here, then the next time you have an unexcused absence, there will be consequences. Do you understand me?” 

_None of this is going to matter when I’m in a famous pop-punk band anyway_ , he thinks, sneering at the man in front of him. “I understand.” 

“Good.” The teacher nods once, face stoic in the presence of Michael’s attitude. “I’ll see you on Monday then, with your essay.” 

Michael forgoes going to his locker for his backpack, not wanting to be in the halls any longer. He takes his book and walks out towards the gate, still annoyed, and feels like punching something but he doesn’t. He knows he would just hurt himself. 

When he gets to the gate, he sees Calum talking to someone, both of them wrapped up in their coats, laughing loudly at whatever Calum’s just said. As Michael gets closer, he starts to notice who Calum’s talking to, and is instantly filled with jealousy. It’s stupid Luke Hemmings with his dumb fucking hair and giant mouth. They’re not supposed to be friends. 

Reaching down with his gloveless hands, Michael grabs two fists full of snow and packs them tightly together, making a snowball in his hand that’s intended to get Luke to understand how unwanted he is. However, when he launches it, it misses by a foot, hitting Calum in the side of the face. Not wanting to be caught, Michael ducks behind a pillar, hiding until after the two voices start up again. 

As he makes his way from behind the pillar and starts walking towards the duo, he’s filled a renewed anger. Calum is _his_ friend, and Luke Hemmings can’t just show up and steal him. “Calum!” Luke and Calum both look at him, but Michael ignores Luke, frowning at Calum’s flushed, frozen face. “Why are you all wet?” 

“Just got hit with a snowball,” Calum answers, hand wiping at the semi-permanent red mark on his cheek. “I don’t know where it came from.” 

Luke laughs, and Michael glares at the carefree sound of it. “Yeah, it was crazy. We were just standing here and - ”

“Are you ready to go?” Michael knows interrupting Luke is rude, but he has a point to make here, and worrying about some kids feelings isn’t going to show him anything. “My dad got me the new _Halo_ , we can play it over the weekend.” 

“Sick!” Calum’s face lights up and his hand reaches for the cuff of Michael’s blazer. “Let’s go!” They start walking away, but Calum turns back with a hasty, “Bye, Luke!” 

Michael rolls his eyes, but he looks back for a second. Luke is looking at the ground, kicking a pebble with a pout on his face. Michael feels a little bad for a moment, a second of regret making him think that maybe he should have been nicer. But then Calum’s throwing his arm around Michael’s shoulders and everything else is white noise in the background. 

  
  
  


_November 19th_

The day before Michael’s fifteenth birthday is _boring_ . He spends the entirety of his classes glaring at the clock, urging it to go faster so he can make his escape, walk home quickly, and get ready for tomorrow. He and Calum have plans to catch the city bus and go to the arcade in the morning, spending all day down there with the one-hundred dollars Michael’s grandmother gave him. It’s going to be amazing, the _best_ way to celebrate, but it’s never going to happen if time doesn’t just move! 

When class finally lets out, after it teases him agonizingly through every period of the day, Michael’s rushing out of class. He turns a corner and catches the sight of Luke just down the hall tripping on seemingly nothing, the books in his arms flying to the ground, papers fluttering everywhere, as he grabs the wall for support. Were it anyone else, any other day, Michael would laugh a little and let him deal with it himself. For some reason, though, the pitiful frown on Luke’s face pulls at Michael’s gut harshly, and he can’t stand leaving him there. 

With a sigh, Michael makes his way over, crouching down silently and grabbing what he can of Luke’s messy items. He plans on leaving without a word, but then Luke looks at him with wide, shocked eyes. “Thanks, Michael.” 

“Whatever,” he snaps, feeling mad that he couldn’t just help without Luke noticing him. It’d be easier to be nice if this kid stopped looking at him. “Try to be more careful, you’ll eat shit on the pavement one of these days.” It’s true, Luke’s legs are ridiculously long - too long for his body - and they make him clumsy and stupid looking. 

As Michael says ‘ _shit_ ,’ Luke’s eyes widen, ridiculously so. “I’ll try.” Michael nods, standing to walk away but before he can, Luke says, “Hey, happy birthday!” He stands so they’re at the same level again. 

“It’s tomorrow,” Michael corrects him before he catches on to what Luke just said. His eyes narrow quickly. “How do you even know that, anyways?” 

“Calum mentioned it in class,” he says with a shrug, cheeks slowly turning red. Michael’s going to have to remind Calum to keep things like this to himself in the future. “He said you guys are going to the arcade for your birthday tomorrow.” 

“Yeah, we are.” 

“Cool.” He’s smiling a little and it makes Michael a little uncomfortable because they’re _not_ friends, but Luke’s acting like they are. His eyes are wide as he watches Michael, but they’re _really_ blue and it’s keeping Michael from remembering how to have a conversation. It’s unnatural how blue they are. Like the ocean or the sky or something.

“See you later, I guess,” he says, not wanting to do something stupid like tell Luke how annoying the color of his eyes are. Luke nods and Michael walks away. As his feet carry him, he has to fight the urge to turn around and ask Luke if he wants to come too. The rest of his walk is spent with him cursing himself, wondering where the _fuck_ that thought came from.

It’s _Luke_. He’s nothing. 


	3. 2011

**2011**

_February 3rd_

Luke’s in the kitchen cutting the sandwich he’s just made when Jack walks in and steals half of it. 

“ _Heyyyy_ ,” Luke whines, frowning up at his older brother. 

Jack grins, the white of the fluffy bread barely behind his lips. Luke flinches in disgust, Jack only laughing at him and reaching forward to ruffle Luke’s hair. “Sup, squirt,” he says after he swallows his mouthful. 

“Nothing,” Luke answers, chewing through his own bite of the sandwich. “What are you doing today?”

“Got some homework,” Jack shrugs as he drops his crust in the garbage, speaking through his chewing. “Then Anna and Gabe and I are going to the beach.” 

“Sounds fun.” 

“What about you, little Lukey?” he asks, voice a well-meaning tease. “Attending any ragers tonight? Getting smashed with the crew?” 

When Jack makes jokes about Luke getting smashed with his friends, it’s meant to be funny because Luke’s a bit of a goody-two-shoes, according to his brothers. He doesn’t drink or swear or really do anything that could get him into trouble, and it’s intended to be a tease about his resistance to those kind of influences. In reality, the actual joke is Luke having any friends at all, anybody who would be willing to spend more than three seconds of their day with him doing more than just asking if he did the maths homework. That’s the _real_ joke. 

It’s not that his older brother is cruel, he just doesn’t know that Luke’s kind of a loser. In fact, in the past year of secondary school, he’s only met one person that’s at least _decent_ to him, but even Calum isn’t someone he’d call a friend. He’d like to, but with Michael at every corner, looking over them and keeping Calum next to his side, Luke’s not able to get past a few sentences before he’s standing alone, wondering what he ever did to make the other boy hate him so much. 

Every few days, though, Luke gets Calum all to himself. Michael misses school a _lot_ , so much so that he’s never attended a full week. At first Luke was a little jealous that he got to skip so much, but then Calum started sitting with him at lunch on those days, and now Luke finds himself crossing his fingers to see an empty seat in Choir - if only so he doesn’t have to spend the entire day by himself. 

“No,” Luke says, shaking his head as he dumps his own crust in the garbage. “Everyone’s busy today.” Busy with their own friends, he means. 

Jack hums, fingers reaching for his phone in his front pocket. “Well, you know you can always tag along with us if you want.” 

“That’s okay,” Luke turns him down. He always feels like he’s intruding when he tags along. Jack and Ben’s friends are always really nice to him, but they’re all at least three years older than him, and he feels like such an annoying little kid when he doesn’t get their jokes or needs extra help when they do things he’s never done before. “Thank you, though.”

For a moment, Jack just frowns at Luke. He realizes he must look pretty sad, but it’s been a hard start to Year Ten, and being reminded of just how alone he is doesn’t exactly make him feel better. 

“Hey,” Jack starts, leaning against the counter. “Whatever happened to that idea you had of posting some of your music online? Weren’t you gonna do that last week?”

“Yeah, I, um,” Luke shakes his head, a bit, trying to shake himself of his thoughts. “I decided not to.” 

“Why not?” 

Luke shrugs. “I’m not really that good.” 

In all honesty, he’d wanted to post himself doing a cover of a song by Bruno Mars last week, but when he’d gone to record himself, all he could think of was everyone that could see it and how much more they’d make fun of him for it, and it stopped him before he even started. The only thing worse than being ignored is being endlessly ridiculed. 

“Are you kidding?” Jack’s hand slaps gently at Luke’s shoulder. “You’re the next Benji Madden. You’ve got talent leaking out of your ears, kid.” 

“Yeah, okay.” Luke laughs a little, but it’s mostly for his brother’s benefit. “People are gonna laugh at me.” 

“And they can keep laughing when you’re a top charter.” Luke just shrugs, not really believing the words. Jack frowns before he stands up straight, stepping backwards towards the dining table. “Here, come here, come with me.” He picks Luke’s backpack off the ground and puts it on the table, reaching inside. Luke reaches him as he’s pulling Luke iPod Shuffle out. “Whatever song comes on first, you’re gonna play it and upload it.”

Looking at the device, Luke knows he only has songs he likes on there, songs he knows the words to and could easily pick up on the guitar, but actually recording it and posting it is more than just knowing songs. “I don’t know…” 

“Come on, Lukey,” Jack says, leaning sideways so his broad shoulder taps against Luke’s small one. You want to be a musician, right?” 

“ _Yes_ ,” he sighs, shoulders hunching as he resists the urge to roll his eyes, not wanting to be disrespectful. 

“Then you gotta put yourself out there. You can’t just sit upstairs alone hoping someone walks past the window, hears your voice, and paper airplanes a record deal into your bedroom.”

 _That would be nice_ , Luke thinks. He wouldn’t have to risk cyber humiliation or the mocking faces of his classmates. It’s not going to happen like that, though - Jack’s right. Luke has to put himself on the line, even if it means getting laughed at. 

“Fine, okay,” he agrees. “Go ahead.” Jack grins, pressing play on the device as Luke grabs his earbud and puts it in. The first song that plays is _Please Don’t Go_ by Mike Posner, and Luke almost shakes his head, not wanting to do it. But Jack’s looking at him expectantly, and Luke knows how to play it on the guitar so he shrugs. “That’s it, then.” 

“Great. You want the living room free to record?”

Luke shakes his head, taking the earbud out of his ear. “No, I’ll go to my room, Ben’s coming home soon and I don’t want him interrupting.” 

“Good luck, kiddo.”

Running up the stairs two at a time, Luke goes into his bedroom and sits down in front of his computer. He turns the camera on, waiting for the program to start. When he sees his reflection staring back at him, his crisp white _Norwest_ uniform on, he gets up and changes into a blue tank top that says _NEW YORK_ on it before sitting back into his seat. 

He wants to be world famous and all of his favorite bands come from America. It’s the bit of good luck he needs. 

He picks up his guitar and puts it in his lap. After pulling up an easy tab sheet for the chords of the song - just in case he forgets halfway through - and strumming a few practices, Luke opens the camera’s program and presses record. He goes to say something, some sort of intro, but gets too nervous and bites the inside of his mouth instead and minimizes the camera program. 

When he starts singing, playing his first chord afterwards, his voice is shaky with nerves. He plays through the song almost on autopilot. His eyes can’t seem to land on one place and he doesn’t know where he even _would_ look anyway. He spends the whole song with his mind racing, second guessing every note he sings, every strum of the guitar… 

When he finally finishes, he shuts the camera off without saying anything, posts the video without watching it, and throws up in his tiny wastebasket without any warning. 

  
  
  


_February 23_

The best thing about Year Ten is that Michael and Calum got to pick their electives themselves this year - instead of the school doing it for them - and they were able to both get Choir together. On top of that, they have science _and_ history together. They get to spend half their day together every day, and it’s really made the extra assignments worth it, in Calum’s opinion. Especially since over the summer his dad threw him into a youth football league, and all of his time has been consumed with getting ready for when the winter season begins in May and he hasn’t been able to see his best friend much outside of school. 

They’re at Calum’s locker now as he switches out his half-eaten lunch sack for his maths book. Calum’s been talking about how difficult last night’s worksheet was, but Michael’s only half paying attention to him. Instead, he’s mostly enraptured by the draining task of glaring over to where Luke’s unloading his own book for the next class. Calum rolls his eyes and goes back to half-heartedly talking to his brick wall of a best friend. 

It’s not until a girl walks by that Michael’s attention to Calum completely disappears. “Hey, Luke?” a melodic voice floats across the hallway. 

“Um, hi.” 

Calum closes his locker, and looks over to where Luke’s staring down at the ground as the girl smiles at him. “I’ve seen your videos. You’re _really_ good.” Calum doesn’t recognize her - she must be in Year Nine. 

Luke bites the corner of his lip, right hand flying to rub the back of his neck. There’s a blush running up to his cheeks, and he still avoids eye contact. “Thank you.”

Probably sensing that Luke’s too shy to do much more than say a few words at a time, the girl giggles and walks away. Next to Calum, Michael scoffs. “What kind of videos is Luke Hemmings posting online? Maths worksheet tutorials? Testimonials for the tailor that extends the length of his jeans for him?” 

“He’s been posting videos of him singing,” Calum answers, refusing to give Michael the laugh he thinks he deserves for a clever insult. “He told me.” 

“Who would want to watch _that_?” Michael asks, outrage in his tone. Calum shrugs turning to walk to their classes. In all honesty, Michael’s adversity to the videos kind of makes Calum want to watch one or two. 

  
  
  


_March 9th_

Halfway through a lesson on organic chemistry that Michael isn’t paying even the slightest bit of attention to, a tiny piece of paper hits him directly on the bridge of his nose. It’s pretty impressive seeing as it came from his right and hit him head on. 

“ _Pssst_.” 

It’s clear that Calum’s trying to whisper, but Michael turns, asking in his normal speaking voice, “What?” 

“ _Shhhhh_!” Calum’s eyes are wide as he looks towards where their teacher is grading papers, paranoid of being caught talking when they’re supposed to be taking a test. Michael rolls his eyes at his friends trepidation. 

_“What_?” he whispers. 

“I watched one of Luke’s videos,” Calum tells him, and despite the quiet tone, Michael hears him loud and clear. 

“Ew.” 

Calum ignores Michael’s disgust and the hint of betrayal in his voice. “It’s a cover of Forget You by Cee Lo Green.”

“You mean _Fuck_ You by Cee Lo Green?” 

After years of friendship, Michael knows better than to push Calum to his limits, but sometimes it’s worth it to see the scandalized drop of his best friend’s jaw. “I do _not,_ Michael.” Michael just grins at him. “I’m gonna send you the link when I get home.” 

“Don’t you dare,” he warns. He’d rather finally go to J Crew with his mom to buy a new wardrobe than spend even a second voluntarily looking at Luke Hemmmings’ stupid face. 

“I’m doing it.” 

“I won’t open it.” 

Calum frowns at him, eyes narrowed and thick lips pinched. “… I’m still doing it.” He faces forward after his threat, a satisfied look on his face, despite the slight lisp he has saying it, and Michael goes back to doodling on his finished test. 

By the time school ends and Michael gets home, he’s completely forgotten about the video and Calum’s promise. He doesn’t think about it until he’s been home for an hour and is playing Diablo on his computer, and the sounds of his character fighting is cut through by the sound of a ding, signaling a Facebook message. He pauses the game and switches over to the internet browser, frowning when he sees Calum’s chat popped up in the bottom right corner with a link to a YouTube video accompanied with a ‘ _;p_ ’ face. 

If Michael’s half the detective he likes to think he is, he’d bet anything that the video is Luke’s cover, so he rolls his eyes and goes back to his game. But the entire time, the video is at the back of his mind, torturing him with questions on the content that he’ll never be able to answer if he doesn’t watch it. 

For what feels like the next five hours - but in reality is no more than fifteen minutes - Michael goes back and forth between his game and the chat he still has open with Calum. Eventually, not wanting his mind taken up any longer, Michael sighs and finally clicks on the link, feeling his blood boil that he’s being made to watch this. 

The video name reads ‘ _Forget you - Cee Lo Green (cover)_ ’ and it has a few hundred views, which Michael refuses to acknowledge as impressive. The video loads and Luke’s face pops up. He’s wearing a stupid blue shirt that makes his eyes look brighter, and honestly, he should invest in a pair of sunglasses. He should also fix his shirt too - his collarbone is annoyingly visible. 

As soon as Luke’s hands backs away from the mouse, he grabs his guitar, not saying anything at all. “At least introduce yourself,” Michael scoffs, arms crossing as he gets ready to hear Luke ruin one of the most popular songs on the radio. 

Only… his voice isn’t _terrible_. He hits his notes alright, and when he picks up the second verse, he has more confidence, and it makes Michael feel uncomfortable for some reason. He can kind of see why some girls have been walking up to Luke to compliment him the past week - he’s not the worst performer Michael’s ever seen. 

But his collarbone is definitely the most distracting Michael’s ever seen. It’s just… _there_ . It’s pale and smooth and he should really fucking cover it up because it’s making Michael’s stomach twist as he watches, trying to drag his eyes literally _anywhere_ else as Luke’s voice echoes around his room. 

When Michael finds something else to focus his attention on, it’s probably the worst thing ever. As the video’s coming to the end, he’s letting himself get more into the performance, a smirk taking over his lips - which is exactly what Michael takes notice of. His bottom lip is wet, and when he’s not singing words, his mouth drops open slightly, and Michael wants to kiss it a little bit. 

Not letting the video end naturally, Michael exits the browser immediately as desire runs through his veins. The only words running through his head are ‘ _Fuck_ ’ and ‘ _Luke_ ’ and ‘ _Why_?’ He can’t do anything than sit still, staring at his Facebook page, his chat with Calum still open, the link now purple showing the proof that Michael did, in fact, watch it. 

After some internal fighting with himself, he grabs his phone and dials Calum, needing nothing more than his best friend in the world to help him figure out why the fuck he’s thinking about Luke in any other context than disgust. 

Calum picks up after a few rings, laughing into the speaker. “I forgot I changed your ringtone in my phone to _Fergalicious_.” 

“Cal?” Michael asks, sniffling a bit. 

“Mikey?” Cal asks, his laughter stopping immediately. “You ok?” 

“Can you come over? I have to talk to you right now. It’s urgent.” 

There’s a moment before Calum’s voice picks up, but when he does he sounds worried, which he rightfully should be because his best friend is in a crisis. “I can ask my mom if she can drive me,” he offers. “What’s going on?” 

“I can’t tell you over the phone.” 

There’s a bit of static on the other line and then in the distance, Calum’s loud voice is yelling out, “ _Mom! Can you take me to Mikey’s house?_ ” There’s a muffled response that couldn’t anybody but Joy, and then Calum picks up his phone again, telling Michael, “I can be there in half an hour.” 

“Kay.” Michael nods, knowing Calum can’t see him. “See you soon.” 

“See you!”

Calum hangs up and Michael makes his way to his bed, resting his head on his pillow and lying on his side, staring catatonically at the poster-covered wall across from him. He’s still in the same position when Calum walks through his bedroom door, frowning with a confused crinkle between his thick eyebrows. He walks over to the bed, sitting on the side, and putting his hand on Michael’s denim-covered knee. 

“Okay, what’s up?” Calum asks when Michael doesn’t make an attempt to say anything. “Your mom seemed totally normal but you look like your dog just got run over.” 

“The dog’s fine,” Michael scoffs. “This is about _me._ ” 

“Okaaaay. What _about_ you _?”_

Not answering at first, Michael holds his breath. He knows what’s wrong but he doesn’t want to say it. It’s _humiliating_ and Calum’s going to not want to be friends anymore. Very quietly, Michael admits, “I have a crush on someone,” hoping that Calum doesn’t hear him, but knowing that he definitely does. 

“Well that’s not so bad!” Calum says excitedly, not understanding the darkness taking over Michael’s life now. 

“Yes it _is,_ ” Michael whine at Calum’s optimism, _“_ because he’s never gonna like me back.”

“He?” 

“… Yeah.” 

Michael doesn’t move at all, doesn’t breathe, doesn’t let himself even _think_ as Calum sits quietly. He knows that fact that Michael likes a boy isn't going to be an issue - Calum's always been open with Michael about the fact that he thinks he might like boys - but it's the suddenness of the realization that's taking a minute for him. Eventually Calum speaks up. “Okay. He who?” Michael buries his head in the pillow and says Luke’s name as inaudibly as he can. “Huh?” 

Michael sighs, a small scream coming out alongside it that’s muted by the pillow. When he finally pulls his head out, he closes his eyes and says, “Luke.” 

“ _Hemmings?”_

Michael whimpers at the surprise, knowing it's not exactly expected, but hoping for some restraint. "Shut up," he groans. "Yes. Luke Hemmings. And he’s never gonna like me back ‘cause I’m a terrible person who’s been super mean to him for a billion years and he’s never gonna forgive me. He probably hates me." 

"I don’t think so," Calum disagrees. His voice is softer now, most likely realizing how sensitive a subject it is. "Luke’s not like that." Michael moans miserably. He immediately regrets telling Calum anything. “Okay, what if all three of us hang out soon? He and I are already kind of friends - ” he cuts himself off when Michael glares at him. “ - don’t look at me like that, I know you knew we were. We can all hang out and you can be normal Michael instead of mean Michael and he’ll love you in no time.” 

It’s not supposed to be convincing - Michael’s not supposed to feel anything but defeat - but it is. Calum always just has such blind confidence in everything he does, and he manages to pull Michael along with him every step of the way. “… I _guess_.”

“And then you can be boyfriends and kiss all the time!” 

Michael laughs along to Calum’s excitement, but when the words hit, he frowns. “I’m not gonna be any good at that, though.” 

“What,” Calum asks, “kissing?” 

“Yeah, cause like,” Michael shrugs, trying to be cool about it, but his stomach is twisting in knots at the thought of trying to kiss Luke and just like, drooling all over him or something. “I never have. What if the time comes where I get to kiss Luke and I’m terrible at it?” 

“It’s not a big deal, Mikey,” Calum tells him. “He wouldn’t care.”

Michael frowns at the certainty in Calum’s voice. He’s always so sure of things, but Michael knows for a fact he hasn’t even had _his_ first kiss yet. “But I would! I like him so much, Cal, what if I kissed him and he laughed at me? What if I did it wrong, what if - ”

His rambling is cut off by the feel of a pair of dry lips against his, capturing his bottom lip between them. It shocks him still for the four seconds it lasts and few more after that. Calum just grins at him like he’s said a funny joke or offered Michael half of his fairy bread. “See? Not a big deal.” 

There’s no way Michael can say anything. His tongue can’t keep up with his brain and he just ends up gaping. Calum doesn’t push him, doesn’t try to get him to say anything, just waits patiently for Michael to get his shit together. When he finally does, he can only think of how that wasn’t even the type of kissing he was worried about. “That’s easy, though. What if he wants to make out?”

“It can’t be that hard,” Calum shrugs looking as calm as ever. 

“Well…” Michael trails off biting his lip. Calum’s always so easygoing about everything and if he was willing to help out with the first kiss, maybe he’d be willing to help with the second? “It wouldn’t mean anything if we tried, right?” 

“Yeah, right.” 

Not even getting a chance to gasp at the fact that his best friend just agreed to make out with him, Michael’s lips are immediately met with Calum’s again. This time they’re moving against his, but they’re both at a different pace then each other. Calum tries to slip his tongue into Michael’s mouth, but Michael isn’t ready for it and recoils a bit before leaning in and they try again. It’s sloppy, pretty uncoordinated, but they manage to pull themselves together by the end and for a few minutes, it’s really nice. 

When it’s over, they both pull back and look into each other’s eyes, giggles falling out as soon as they make eye contact. As awkward as the actual kissing was, the aftermath isn’t much weirder than anything else they’ve done together. 

It’s a few minutes later as they’re sitting at Michael’s desk, watching an older video of Luke’s, that Michael’s mom, Karen, walks in and smiles at the two of them. “Calum, sweetie, are you staying for dinner?” 

“If that’s okay, Mrs. Clifford.” 

“Of course,” she nods. “I’ll make an extra setting.” 

Just as she’s about to slip out of the door, Calum nudges Michael’s shoulder, eyes pointedly directing Michael’s attention to where Luke’s video is paused on the screen and then looking at Karen. Michael knows immediately what he’s hinting at. “Mom! Is it okay if my friend Luke comes over on Saturday with Calum?” 

“Fine with me,” she agrees easily. “I haven’t heard of this _Luke_ before, is he a new friend?” It’s meant to be subtle, but Michael can hear the surprise in her voice that he knows anybody other than Calum. 

“Yeah, he’s new,” Michael shrugs. At the same time, Claum giggles, mouthing the word ‘ _friend_ ’. Michael kicks him indiscreetly. “ _Shut up_ ,” he hisses. His mom just shakes her head at them and walks out the door, closing it behind her. 

Just as Michael leans in to play the video again, Calum reaches across the keyboard, gripping his wrist to stop him. “Can you promise me something?” 

“What?”

“If you and Luke fall in love, you can’t ditch me, okay?” 

The idea is so ridiculous that Michael snorts. There’s not a person on Earth that Michael would ever put above Calum. “Of course I won’t, you’re my best friend.” 

  
  
  


_March 10th_

A lot of people have been coming up to Luke lately to compliment his videos. There are still a few passing comments that make Luke wish he'd never posted his video, but he's getting a little bit better at ignoring those. He still sits alone at lunch and gets glared at for raising his hand to answer questions, but school becomes a little bit easier to stomach with each day that goes by. 

That doesn't mean Luke isn't surprised when none other than Michael Clifford sits across from him at the lunch table on a regular Thursday afternoon. He doesn't look like he's about to make a mean comment - his face isn’t as _scowly_ as it usually is - but to be fair, he doesn’t look like he’s going to say anything, content to stare at Luke as he takes small bites of his sandwich. His face is pained as the two continue to watch each other and eventually Luke gets impatient, wanting to get whatever threat Michael has for him out of the way already. 

"Hi?" He asks after swallowing his mouthful. 

"Um, hi," Michael says. As soon as he does, his gaze drops to the table top where his hands are together, fingers twisting distractedly around each other. "So, I was wondering, well, Calum and I, not just me, was wondering, sorry, _were_ wondering, if Saturday, if you’re not doing anything? Would you want to?" Luke sits silently after the question, confused onto exactly what he's being asked and if it's _him_ that's stupid and just doesn't understand a perfectly articulated offer. Michael shakes his head, sighing, after the lack of an answer. "… Well?"

"Would I want to what?" Luke waits nervously for the mocking to start, for the ' _you have ears, don't you?_ '' comments, but they don't come. 

"Oh!" Michael's eyes are wide and he nods, pointing to himself. "To hang out. With me. And Calum."

Suddenly Luke feels too big for his body. He's confused and he just wants to yell ' _What the Heck?!'_ in Michael's face. Ever since the first day of Year Nine, Michael's hated Luke's guts, and he’s made it very clear. The only thing he can think of is that this is some elaborate prank, but Michael looks too shy for him to be planning something mean, and Calum would never let him do something like that. Well, maybe he _would_ \- it's not like they're friends or anything. 

After a moment of just staring wide-eyed and terrified at Michael, Luke finally makes his choice, influenced only by his faith in Calum and the fact that Michael's actually _really_ freaking cool, and when Luke thinks of saying no, it feels the exact same as when he tried to sit with Michael and Calum at lunch on the first day of Year Nine and got glared at - alone. 

"Okay," he agrees, voice coming out quietly, scared he's falling into a trap. "Um, yeah, I could." 

"Oh! Great, okay!" Michael stands up suddenly. He doesn't look very excited about Luke's answer, but he doesn't look upset about it either. "I’ll see you Saturday. We’re gonna hang out at my house, Calum can text you where I live. And what time and stuff. Okay."

For a moment it looks like hes going to say something else, but then he turns and leaves, feet quickly dragging him back over to Calum. Luke's left feeling very confused, but mostly hopeful that come Saturday, he could find himself on the road to making an _actual_ friend. 

  
  
  


_March 12th_

All morning, Calum's had to sit by and watch Michael panicking about Luke coming over, loudly wondering what'll happen if Luke blows them off, or - even worse - _does_ come, but ends up thinking Michael's the dumbest person ever and leaves right away. Calum has to bite his tongue so he doesn’t remind Michael that he's the only person insane enough to judge a person so quickly without actually getting to know him. Besides, Michael's been rotten to Luke in the past and he still agreed to hang out with him- that has to count for something, right? 

It's not until Michael walks past his small mirror for the eighth time in a row, fixing his already perfect fringe, flattening it with his hand, and jumping when there's even the smallest of noises outside, that Calum can’t just sit by. "Mikey, you don’t have to be so nervous, it’ll be fine." Their FIFA game has been on pause for ten minutes, Michael too distracted to play properly and not wanting to lose. Calum had been writing in his journal, but he ran out of things to write about that didn't come back to Michael's pacing. 

"What are you talking about?" His hand waves flippantly in front of him, tense shoulders betraying his every word. "I’m not nervous." The doorbell rings, and Michael jumps too quickly, walking in a full circle, as his voice shakes. "Fuck, he’s here, what the fuck do I do, Calum, go answer it, I’m gonna hide in my bathroom. You guys have fun hanging out."

Calum shakes his head as Michael tries to go towards the bathroom. He stands up from the bed, latching onto Michael's collar and pulling him down to answer the door. 

With a deep breath, Michael pulls open the door, leaning against it casually as the two take in Luke as he waves hesitantly. "Hey." 

"Hi," Michael returns, shrugging, pretending he didn't just spend the last three hours on the edge of a breakdown. "We were just playing FIFA, if you wanna play too?"

"Yeah, okay! I love FIFA." 

Michael holds open the door for him, and as soon as Luke walks past, Michael's eyes turn wide and terrified. He shakes his head at Calum, like he can't do this, but then Luke turns back around and Michael's face relaxes, a small pout on his pink lips. 

He's ridiculous. 

Calum ends up leading them into the bedroom, excited to be able to pick their game back up, but there’s a gasp behind him and - _oh_. Calum forgot about Michael's two guitars. "Whoa," Luke's voice his awed, his jaw dropped as he takes in the instruments. "Those are so awesome. Michael, do you play?" 

"Oh, I kind of do, yeah." Michael shrugs again, pink dusting his cheeks. "I’m probably not as good as you, though." 

Michael's trying so hard to be casual, he's forgetting that he's actually really freaking cool. Calum rolls his eyes at his friend and decides to be his wingman because he obviously can't be trusted to talk himself up. "He’s amazing. Michael, you should play something for him."

"Please!" Luke's eyes are wide as he begs and Michael doesn't stand a chance against that, Calum knows. 

It doesn't take much for Michael to give in - sighing as he reaches for his acoustic guitar and making himself comfortable on the floor. He strums loosely for a moment, no particular rhythm being played, but then his fingers pick up and he recognizes the melody as _Dear Maria, Count Me In_. In the past few years Michael's talent has significantly improved and by the time he's finished, Luke's sitting, mouth open, eyes shining. 

"Oh my god," he gapes."You’re really good. You should be in a band." 

"I wanna be!" 

"Me too…"

Michael bites his lip, looking up through his eyelashes. "Well, what if we started one?"

And just like that, Calum can see himself slipping out of Michael's life. He can see himself being replaced by Luke Hemmings as Michael's best friend, and he doesn't like it one bit. "I want to be in the band!" He shouts, knowing he sounds like he's whining. He's never wanted to be in a band before, but he refuses to be left behind when these two are rich and famous. "I can sing. And Mali taught me how to play Brain Stew on guitar." 

"Obviously you’re in the band, Calum," Michael says easily. 

"Yeah, we can’t be a band with two people," Luke agrees. "That’s just a duo. People would think we were a couple or something." 

He laughs like the idea is stupid, and Michael laughs beside him, but it's much more forced. "Haha! Yeah, imagine."

"Okay," Calum let's himself get excited now that he knows he isn't going to be left in the dust. "Let’s be a band!" 

"We need a name," Luke points out suddenly. "What should we call ourselves?"

  
  
  


_March 30_

"The All-Australian Rejects." 

Luke giggles at Calum's terrible suggestion for a name. They're sitting in the music room during their free period, waiting for Michael to join them, and trying to come up with something that'll really represent them as a band. Luke came in with a couple of serious suggestions like ' _Iron Grip_ ', _'Bromance,'_ and ' _Falling in Reverse,'_ but Calum didn't like them as much as Luke does, and since it's such an important decision to make, he decided to ditch them. After that, the two of them have been making jokes as they wait for Michael to come and be involved with the process.

"My Chem-Michael Romance," Luke suggests, biting his bottom lip to keep from laughing too hard when Calum's eyes crinkle at the pun. 

"Bowling for Luke!" 

Luke loses it with that one, throwing himself backwards on the riser, head tapping gently on the carpet behind him. They're both lost in their joy at the truly terrible names when Michael comes barrelling through the double doors, empty backpack hanging off one of his shoulders. "5 Seconds of Summer!" He yells, making both Luke and Calum jump in their seats.

"When?" Cal asks, and Luke chuckles, still feeling light after the bad jokes. 

"It’s 5 Seconds of Summer," Michael repeats. He's not panting, but he sounds a little out of breath. Luke thinks he may have ran there from his last class. "That’s our name." 

"I don’t know, Mike…" 

At Calum's rejection, Michael puts, and it makes Luke's stomach twist being so upset "It’s okay, I guess," he shrugs, not wanting to upset Michael any further. "I think we should think of a few more options first."

"Well, you should have checked your phones," Michael says, arms crossing over his chest as he falls onto the riser, leaning into Calum's small frame. "I already made the Facebook and Twitter pages. That’s our name."

Sharing a look with Calum, Luke notes his lip. The name isn't _terrible_ , and if they go with it, then they can avoid arguing over it and get straight into choosing a song to cover. The more he thinks about the name, the more he likes it too. 

"I guess it’s not so bad…" Calum sighs.

"Yeah, I actually kinda like it," Luke says, happy when Michael smiles, the crease in his forehead smoothing out at the acceptance. "I’ll change the captions on my old videos and link the pages on them."

"Good, okay." Michael claps his hands together once before grabbing his iPod from his pocket. "What’s the first song we’re gonna play together? I think we should do something by Blink." 

Apparently not caring about personal space, Calum leans over and takes the device from Michael's hand. "You got to pick the name, Luke and I should get to decide on the song."

Michael's lips form a pout, and just like with the name, Luke doesn't want to see him sad. "I like Blink." Calum's eyes snap to him, looking pointedly at him, head tilting. If Luke had to guess, he'd say Calum was moments from pouting too. "But we get to pick which song."

After thinking on it for a moment, Michael shrugs, mollified expression on his face. "Okay, when do we do it?" 

A thought hits Luke suddenly and he's grimacing, air being sucked through teeth, making a hissing sound. "I’m going on holiday in Queensland. We won’t be able to post for a while." 

He's met with silence but then Calum's sitting up straighter like he's just gotten an idea. "What if Michael and I do an intro video with just the two of us. Like a ‘hi, we’re the rest of the band, new stuff coming soon’ kind of deal?" 

"Yeah, that sounds good," Luke agrees easily. He likes the idea of everybody that watches his videos seeing that he has two really awesome friends. "Just so the channel isn’t dead for too long. I’ll give you my email and password."

"Hemmo1996?" 

Luke looks over to where Michael's staring at him, cheeks a bit more flushed than usual. 

"How’d you know that." 

"I, uh," his voice drops suddenly, shoulders jerking casually. "I saw your myspace."

"Oh, right." He can see Calum giving Michael an odd look, but doesn't let himself get too caught up in it. They've been friends for so long, it makes sense that Luke wouldn't understand some of the looks they give each other. He's holding out hope, though, that one day he'll be able to decipher them. 

That someday he'll be best friends with them too. 

  
  
  


_June 4_

It’s been two months since Michael and Calum released their sick introduction video to the channel, and Luke absolutely loved it. As soon as he watched it, he called Michael to tell him. When they were filming it, Calum had told him the Mayday Parade song he picked to go in the background was way too sad, but Luke had said he liked it.

And Michael always preferred Luke’s opinion anyway. 

Getting together to record their cover of _I Miss You_ takes has taken too long, in Michael's opinion. Luke’s trip to Queensland took far too long, and by the time he’d gotten back, Calum was so wrapped up in football training that they couldn’t even find time to practice, let alone to actually record the video for the channel. 

That’s why they’re sitting here, in Calum’s family room, about to record with absolutely zero practice behind them. The only weird part is that instead of playing the guitar, they have Michael playing the bongos. He supposes they need _someone_ to do it, but Calum’s not even good at guitar, so the fact that he gets to play one seems a bit unfair. 

“This feels weird,” he complains, trying for the third time today to get out of it. He’s been a bit grumpy, but not only is given the worst instrument, he also has to sit in the back while Luke and Calum get to sit up front, right next to each other. Michael may be camera shy, but he’s not a complete reject - he deserves to be right next to them… right next to Luke. “People are gonna think I’m a drummer.” 

“No one’s gonna think that,” Calum disagrees, Luke snorting at the deadpan of his voice. 

“It’s just,” he scoffs, knowing that he sounds like a baby, but not really giving a fuck. “I’m gonna be a guitarist, shouldn’t I get to play guitar in the first video we post together? Why does Calum get to do it?” 

“Because I won the coin toss, duh.” 

It’s said nonchalant, probably for the benefit of Luke, but Michael can hear just how smug he sounds about it, his shrug having too much of a bounce to be anything other than teasing. Michael knows he could call his best friend out, but Luke’s sitting there, wearing a hoodie over his tank top, collar bones on display, and the last thing Michael wants is to sound too whiny when he’s been trying so hard to seem cool. 

“Okay, let’s do this,” he says, hoping he sounds more ready than he actually is. He figures that if he has to play the bongos, he’s going to be the best fucking bongo player that ever existed. 

But _only_ today. They’re going to have to find a real drummer at some point. 

Once they’re all situated, Luke starts the recording and they introduce themselves. Michael’s the first to play, so he starts tapping against the bongos, doing his best to keep the right sound, but also wanting to mix it up a bit. Calum starts strumming a moment too soon, but they pull it together really well. Michael doesn’t even think it’ll be noticeable when they watch it back, to be honest. 

Calum starts singing first, and Michael tries his best to concentrate on his playing. He wants to make sure that even though they’re missing an actual drummer, they’re still a kick ass band. The only issue is that it’s a little difficult to pay attention to his drumming when Calum and Luke are all giggles in front of him. Luke must feel Michael’s eyes on him because he turns around and smiles at Michael - and Michael melts into a puddle.

As soon as Luke’s turned back around, Michael glares at Calum. 

They finish up the song easily, only one hiccup when Luke misses his first line, but they pull it together easily, and they finish strong. When Luke stops the recording, the boys’ heads snap to the doorway where Mali-Koa’s been watching for the last three minutes. 

“Did you like it?” Calum asks his sister. 

“Was that good? Michael adds on.

Mali’s really fucking talented. She’s so good at music that she’s planning on auditioning for a few singing competitions. Her opinion means everything - if she thinks they’re good, that means they’re _good_. 

“Stars,” Mali says, laughing when the boys start grinning. “All three of you.” 

Taking her feedback as the truth, Luke gets started on posting the video as Michael and Calum smile at each other. It’s their first song as a band and they fucking rocked it. 

They decide to wait five minutes before refreshing the page to look at the views at like. Michael takes the opportunity to call dibs on the instrument he actually plays. “I want to play guitar in the next one.” 

“Yeah, you should,” Luke agrees, and Michael tries not to rub it in Calum’s face that Luke thinks he should be playing. “It’s what you’re gonna be mostly doing. We really need a drummer, though. We can’t just be three guitars.” 

“I know some people, I’ll look around.” It’s not the complete truth, but he thinks it sounds cool, and judging Luke’s face, he thinks it’s cool too. Because it is - Michael’s incredibly cool, he _knows_ people. 

Calum sits up suddenly. “It’s been five, Luke. Click refresh.” Luke does, and they have a like on their video. They all cheer; they’re really doing it, they’re releasing music and people _like_ it! 

  
  
  


_June 20_

Hiding out in the music room during lunch has become the norm for Luke lately. It’s not that he’s so alone he has to resort to hiding his face - which totally would’ve been plausible not three months ago. No, he’s in the music room because thirty minutes every day seems to be the only time Michael, Calum, and Luke have to spare. 

With the end of the term just two weeks away, Luke has a lot of finals to study for. And when he’s not busy with his head in the books, Calum’s in the rec center training for the footie season that’s about to begin. It’s so chaotic, and it makes starting this band so much harder than they first thought it was. In Luke’s opinion, it’d all be a lot easier as soon as Calum made a choice about whether or not he’s actually going to drop his sport. 

He’s still on the fence, though, and Luke’s not the kind of person to push him. 

Besides, they still can find time to get together and talk about the band. They don’t get much rehearsal time in, but they can talk about new songs to cover and things like finding a drummer - Michael knows some people, though, so they’re all set with that probably. And even if the band doesn’t work out in the long run, Luke’s just happy Calum and Michael are his friends. Walking into the music room every day is going to be the highlight of his entire school career, Luke’s certain. 

“We have to play A Day to Remember.,” Michael says before Luke’s even got his sandwich unwrapped. “I think we should do _If It Means A Lot To You_.” 

Calum’s already eating, but that doesn’t stop him from shaking his head and replying, “I can’t.” 

“The fans are demanding it, Cal,” Michael urges, and Luke has to hold back as his smile at Michael’s dramatics. He thinks if when he’s known Michael for a few years, it’ll probably be annoying how much he can be sometimes, but for now, Luke’s not getting sick of it. “We have actual requests now. Do you want to disappoint people?” 

“ _No_ ,” Calum rolls his eyes. “I don’t mean I can’t cover that band, I mean I’m busy for a few weeks. Footie’s kicking my butt and I don’t have time with practices. We have to wait.” 

“Calum, we can’t keep waiting so long in between videos, people are gonna forget we exist!” 

“It’s not my fault!” 

Sensing a fight on its way, Luke bites his lip before cutting in. “Michael’s right, though. We have to keep a more consistent schedule with uploading. Maybe …maybe just Mikey and I can do the next one?” He doesn’t want Calum to feel excluded, especially not when he was the first person to make Luke feel _in_ cluded, but the band is important, and they can’t keep postponing things. 

“I guess,” Calum pouts, chewing aggressively on his lunch. “But I get to be the only guitar player in the one after that.” 

“That’s okay with me.” Luke nods, happy that Calum’s not taking the offer too personally. “Mikey?” 

“Huh?” 

When Michael looks up, blinking once, slowly, Luke has to frown. He got quiet quickly, and it’s _weird_. “Is that okay with you?” he asks, scared that Michael doesn’t want to hang out alone with him, not thinking he’s good enough for that. “Just you and me?” 

“We can do that,” Michael answers, and the cinch Luke didn’t realize was around his lungs loosens. “I’ll learn the guitar part and you learn the words, and we can record it at my house on Friday?” Luke nods easily. It’s going to be the first time they hang out alone, without Calum, and he’s excited but more than a little nervous because Michael’s probably the coolest person he knows. 

  
  
  


_June 24_

It’s definitely not a date. 

But also, it might be. Also… it probably is. Michael’s pulling out all the stops for tonight, just in case. He’s asked his parents to clear out the living room, put out an unlit candle - vanilla tobacco because it’s sweet and spicy, just like Michael and Luke - and took the delivered pizza out of their boxes, and set them up artfully on two plates. If Luke doesn’t fall in love with him tonight, Michael’s just going to have to realize he’s meant to be alone forever. 

Which is probably the truth, anyway. He's putting a lot of effort and energy into this maybe-date, and a lot is riding on it. He's changed his shirt three times and rearranged his fringe every which way in the hallway mirror, but he still doesn't feel even the slightest bit comfortable. His hands are shaking and he's talking himself down from his fourth freakout of the night when there's a knock at the door and Michael has to pull himself together. 

After checking his hair just one last time and simultaneously regretting his shirt but not being able to do a thing about it, Michael opens the door, leaning against the door casually. "Hey."

"Hey!" Luke's grinning. He's wearing a grey long sleeve shirt and Michael kind of just wants to kiss him a lot. "Long time no see." 

It's not funny, but Michael laughs pretty hard to it. Luke just smiles and makes his way inside, dropping his bag right in the dining room. He looks a little unsure, just like Michael feels. "Um, _so_ , what do you want to do first?" Michael asks, shutting the door and inching his way towards Luke. "I have food, or we could play a video game or something if you don’t wanna record right away. It’s up to you, I’m alright with whatever." 

He is _not_ alright, he’s riddled with anxiety. He might die tonight, actually. 

"We should probably do the video first before it gets too late and we don’t have time," Luke says as his eyes drift around the room. Michael's suddenly glad he cleaned up the living room and even put his mom's throw blanket on the back of the couch "My mom’s coming back to get me after she finishes shopping." 

"Yeah, okay!" Michael starts moving to grab his guitar from where he placed it on dining room table. "The living room’s free, we can do it here." 

"Awesome." 

They sit down, Michael has his guitar and Luke sits a little in front of him, closer to the camera, giving Michael the perfect view of his face. He looks cool and concentrated and Michael exhales, fixing his hair one last time before Luke presses record and he starts it off. 

“Hey, this is Michael,” he points at Luke, and immediately kicks himself internally, huffing at his mistake. Luke is going to think he’s so stupid. “I’m Michael, this is Luke, we’re from 5 Seconds of Summer.” Luke laughs at this and Michael feels better, smiling himself. “And… yeah.”

He’s got nothing else to say so he starts playing. The first chord he plays is a little off and he makes a face but he gets it together quickly. Luke keeps making silly faces at the camera and Michael is so enraptured by him, has to make a few silly faces back because making Luke smile is so addictive.

He’s shy about singing, kind of insecure about his voice compared to Luke’s, so when it’s time for him to sing he points his head away from the camera. He’s especially worried because Calum’s not there to be a buffer, Luke is just hearing and concentrating on his voice alone. It’s his first time really on display, showcasing his voice and it makes him nervous.

Not as nervous as he feels about the fact that this song is so romantic. He entertains the idea for the moment that maybe, just _maybe_ Luke is singing the lyrics to him, because as much as he’s trying not to let it show, he’s singing them to Luke, pouring his heart out right here, in his living room, on camera. 

At one point Luke stumbles, forgetting a lyric, and Michael asks him if he knows the words. Luke gives him a ‘kinda’ shake of his hand and Michael isn’t even annoyed. When Luke messes up it just makes him more likeable. At one point, Michael’s smiling so hard he has to look away. He knows it’ll show on camera, how fond he is of Luke, but he can’t help it, how giddy he feels around him. 

When they’re done playing he grabs the camera and whistles loudly, turning it up to the ceiling and then off.

"That’s gonna look so cool," Luke says, and when Michael turns around, he's smiling excitedly, "the ending, it’s gonna look cool.”

It puts Michael on top of the world. He's good at the guitar, he's good at managing the band, and he's a genius with these videos. Luke complimented him, told him his spontaneous decision was _cool_ \- what else could he ask for?

While the video uploads, they go into the kitchen and grab the plates of pizza, ready to eat the patterned works of art Michael put together. As they're eating, Luke turns to Michael. "I think that one went well, do you? Even without Calum" 

"Really well!" Michael nods enthusiastically with a mouth full of pepperoni. "We, um. We sound good together, just us two. We sound good with Calum, too, obviously. But yeah, I think, um. I think it was good." His skin is burning, and he knows he looks like a tomato as red floods his face. It's all worth it, though, when Luke just grins at him.

"Me too." 

Being with Luke by himself makes Michael feel giddy in a way he hasn't since Calum first invited him over in Year Six, and he's loathe to lose this feeling. He wants to ask him to hang out again alone, wants to feel like this always. "So, I was thinking - " 

Luke's phone chirps in the middle of Michael's sentence and Luke rushes to look at it. “Darn it! My mom’s here early, she’s in a hurry. I guess my brother needs to get picked up too. Text me later, though, okay?"

"Oh, sure, okay." Michael nods, dropping his crust to his plate and wiping his hands on his pants, not sure if they're going to kiss or not. "See you soon?" 

With a nod, Luke picks his bag up and races put the door. Michael's left feeling a little disappointed, but mostly proud. He cleans up the mess they made in the kitchen and then makes his way to his room, lying on his back on his bed and grinning at the ceiling. They sang a romantic song together and ate dinner and maybe it wasn't a date, but it sure feels like one. 

  
  
  


_July 15_

Just like every year before it, Luke celebrates the night before his birthday by going to the movies with his big brothers. It's a cheap present - that he thinks their mom pays for anyway - but it always makes him feel cool when Ben tells him jokes as they sit in the back row and get _shush_ ed by Jack. Especially when there's a really good movie out like _Green Lantern_. 

Tomorrow Luke has plans to go to with Calum and Michael to the arcade and celebrate his birthday the way they always celebrate theirs. He's falling into their small group easily, and Luke's certain that Fifteen is going to be his best year yet. 

Halfway through the movie, just as things start getting good, Luke has to pee _really_ badly. He tries to wait until the end, but he only makes it a few minutes before he's squirming distractingly in his seat. He sneaks out, apologizing to everybody in their row as he goes, and makes his way to the restroom. 

On his way out, he hears loud laughter that sounds familiar in a way that makes the hair on the back of his neck raise up. There, by the entrance to a Cameron Diaz movie stands a group of boys that Luke recognizes from his school. They're in the grade above his, and they're not very nice to him at all. The teasing has been a little worse since he started posting videos. Usually he's alright because he has Michael or Calum with him, but he’s alone right now. 

He tries to slip by them undetected, but one of them sees him and doesn't let him go easily. "Guys, it’s _Hemmings_! Hey, tell us what it’s like to be famous." 

"Leave him alone, Troy," one of his friends says with a laugh in his voice. "He’s hiding from the paparazzi, don’t draw attention to him."

The group laughs harder at that, and Luke keeps his eyes on the ground, embarrassed at all of the negative attention on him. 

"He can’t hide very well with those glasses on his face," Troy barks at him. "I’ve never seen glasses that ugly, Hemmings. Did you skin Shrek to get those made?"

"Hey!" A voice yells suddenly, prompting everyone to look over at the popcorn counter where there's a guy standing, glaring them. "Lay off him. You guys are a bunch of dicks."

The boy looks a little older than them, and he's frowning at the guys giving Luke trouble. He's got hair like Michael and cuffed jeans, and he's probably super popular - he looks like he'd be friends Jack. 

"Whatever, man." Troy turns around, looking pissed off at being called out. 

The boy by the popcorn walks over to where Luke's standing, hand landing gently on Luke's upper arm and steering him away from the group of boys. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I’m fine," Luke nods, just watching the older boy in awe, surprised at how he could be so brave against the group. "Thank you, um, for that."

"Of course," the boy grins, his voice a bit chirpy but really, really friendly. "I’m Ashton."

"Luke." 

Ashton sticks his hand out and Luke shakes it. It's a bit weird - he hasn't shaken hands with anyone that wasn’t a friend of his parents or in his church since like… ever. But Ashton seems mature, and his grip is strong, and his hand is big, and he probably just saved Luke's life. "Nice to meet you, Luke."

"You too. I’m um, I have to get back to my movie." He gestures to the theater his brothers are still in, probably wondering if he got lost. 

"Oh, go!" Ashton shoos him away and Luke laughs, turning back to go inside. Just as he's approaching the door, Ashton's high voice calls after him, "Luke! For what it’s worth, I think your glasses are kinda awesome!"

Unable to keep the grin off his face, Luke goes inside, sits next to his brothers, and feels the most relaxed he ever has after getting made fun of. 

He sort of forgets about the boy after ten minutes. 

  
  
  


_July 28_

In his haste to get to Calum's house and punch him in his fucking face, Michael nearly gets hit by a car. 

To be fair, he wasn't paying attention when he crossed the street, and the driver was skilled enough to stop before they made contact, swerving only slightly onto somebody's lawn before yelling at him out the window. But even the embarrassment of being publicly shamed didn't curb the rage coursing through his veins. 

He'd been hanging out at home playing FIFA when Luke sent him a link to the new 5 Seconds of Summer video. The only issue is that Michael didn't remember recording a video. So he clicked the video, and was appalled and enraged to see Calum's stupid blazer as he takes a seat next to Luke in the music room. It's fucked up that they'd make a video without Michael, but what's worse - he can’t believe Calum would betray him like this, he _knows_ how much Michael likes Luke.

When he finally gets to Calum's, calves aching from stomping all the way over when his mom wouldn't drive him, he pounds on the door continuously, knowing that Joy and David arent home to yell at him. Mali opens the door, taking Michael's angry face but just smiles. "Hey, Mikey."

"Where’s your stupid brother?" 

In lieu of actually answering, she just points upstairs. Michael takes the steps two at a time, bursting through the door to find Calum sitting cross-legged on his bed with his headphones on and his journal open in front of him. Thinking quickly, Michael turns to the dirty laundry basket and digs through it until he comes out with a dirty pair of boxers. He immediately flings them at Calum's face, feeling nothing but pride when Calum jerks, screaming. " _Aahhhhhh_!!!!!" 

"You suck, Calum Hood!" 

Calum looks up suddenly at Michael's voice, eyes narrowing when he sees how livid Michael is. "What the _heck_ , Michael!"

"Why did you record a video without me?" He demands to know, finger pointing accusingly. "With _Luke,_ Calum. Do you like him? You have to tell me if you like him, you have to."

"No, I - "

"I’d never go after someone you liked!" Michael yells. 

Calum rolls his eyes and Michael gets ready to yell again but then he says, “Michael, you skipped school! Luke and I had time after school to record and we went to the music room. We would have asked you but you weren’t _there._ Plus, you were the one who said we needed a more consistent schedule!" 

Silence sits between them briefly and Michael begins to think he may have overreacted. He takes a deep breath and makes his way to Calum's bed sitting at the side of it. "You didn’t plan this earlier?" 

"No, Michael," Calum answers. "We didn’t."

"… Okay." 

"And I don’t like Luke," he adds. Michael bites his lip. He's beginning to think he may be a little insecure with where he stands with Luke. 

"You don’t?" He doubles checks, feeling the pressure in his chest lessen when Calum shakes his head. "Promise?" 

"No, you know that." 

Feeling the embarrassment of almost getting hit by the car earlier flood into this new shame, Michael's face starts to heat up. "Okay. Sorry I yelled at you. And threw your dirty underwear in your face." 

Calum huffs out a laugh and picks up the underwear next to him on the bed, flicks it at Michael, who squeals as he shies away from it. "Can you teach me how to play rolling in the deep, now?" Michael agrees and they start working on the song, argument quickly forgotten as they slip into their familiar dynamic, laughing and teasing each other.

It's the last time a boy will _ever_ come between them, Michael promises. 

  
  
  


_November 5_

One thing Luke will never be able to understand is just how late Michael always is. _He's_ the one that schedules all of their band meetings. And yet, he and Calum have been waiting for almost an hour waiting for him to just not show his face. There's so many things to go over _especially_ since their last video got so many likes. They've decided to spend the time discussing possible songs to cover, and once Calum mentioned Jasey Rae, Luke can't allow his brain to think of anything else, too caught up in the masterpiece of it all. 

It's just as Calum's bashfully asking if he could sing the solo that Michael comes hurdling into the room, face lit up like he's gone and won the lottery. "I’ve done you two favors." He holds up two fingers and Luke's left incredibly confused. 

"Huh?" 

"The first," Michael ignores his wonder, lowering his middle finger so that only his index is sticking up, "is that I’ve forgiven you for recording yet another video without me while I was at the dentist." Calum rolls his eyes a little fondly, but Luke frowns. He didn't know Michael would be upset by that, and he really didn't mean to make him mad. 

"Oh no, did that bother you? Mikey, I’m so sorry - "

"Shh, shut up Luke," Michael cuts him off, hand flapping around. "I have to tell you the other thing." Luke bites his bottom lip to stop him from continuing to apologize as Michael vibrates with excitement. "I got us a _gig."_

Nobody says anything at first, the blood rushing to Luke's ears. If he heard Michael correctly, which he honestly isn't sure that he did, then that means they get to perform their songs on an _actual_ stage in front of _real_ people. It's too good to be true. 

_"_ A what?" 

"A gig, Calum," Michael explains, eyes rolling a bit. "It’s when a band plays music in front of pe - "

"When?" Luke demands, needing to know if this is really happening or if he's in somehow the best nightmare of his entire life. "Where?" 

Michael begins grinning even harder, hands twisting in front of him. "It’s at the Annandale Hotel and it’s in a month." 

" _A MONTH_?" 

Any joy in Luke leaves him immediately. He can feel his heart beating too fast in his chest and it's a little difficult to breath. They're _definitely_ not ready for that, not even close. They need more people, more songs - Michael doesn't even look in the camera when he sings, how does he think he can do that on a stage? Even Calum, nerves-of-steel Calum looks a little freaked out by the prospect. They can't do this. 

"Michael, we’re not ready!" Calum shouts, brown eyes wide enough to fall out of his skull. "We need someone to play bass and we don’t even have a drummer yet."

Michael waves his hand, brushing off all of their panic. "Leave the drummer to me," he says, and honestly, Luke forgot he knew people. "I have an idea. As for bass, it’s gonna have to be one of us." 

Michael and Luke look at each other and then they both look at Calum together… objectively, the weakest at guitar out of the three.

" _Why me_?" Calum whines when he notices what they're implying. "I’m getting better!" Michael looks pointedly at him, but Luke avoids eye contact altogether, both staying silent. "Fine," Calum eventually grumbles. "What are we playing?"

"I want us to play Gotta Get Out," Michael says. "We need original material."

"The bridge isn’t ready yet." Calum's shaking his head before the words are out of his mouth. 

Michael's chewing on the inside of his cheek, lips in a pout as he thinks something over. "Do you think it could be in the next week?" His eyes shift and he's suddenly pleading. 

Calum sighs, lips pursed as he shakes his head. "Probably."

And that gives Michael all the permission he needs to start cheering by himself. But Luke joins in, and Calum does too, and then they're all excitedly rambling about the show. "I can’t believe you got us a real gig!" Luke's head is spinning, they're actually doing it, they're going to be a real band. This is gonna be awesome.

  
  
  


_November 6_

It just past two in the morning, and Ashton still hasn't touched the essay he promised his mom he'd get started on today. It's not that he doesn’t know what to write about, it's that he really just doesn't care at this point. His band's _just_ broken up, and now Ashton has nothing to do bust wallow, hopeless for what his future may hold now that his ticket out of Sydney has up and disbanded. He'll probably just spend the rest of his life on Facebook, looking through old photo albums of the few performances they had, wishing that their wide-eyed optimism had been enough to power through the lack of motivation his old bandmates had. 

That's exactly what he's doing when a _ping_ comes through on his speakers indicating a new message. 

**Michael Clifford** : _wat u doin_

The chat box is opened to a new message from someone Ashton doesn't know. He clicks on the name and enlarges the profile picture. It's not until he's clicked through a few photos that he starts to vaguely remember the long fringe and slightly pouted lips from a party he went to a few months ago. 

**Ashton Irwin** : _Nm. U?_

 **Michael Clifford** : _jus wonderin if u wanted to come hang out sometime_

 **Michael Clifford** : _and play a show with my band but mainly hang out_

It's probably the weirdest message Ashton's ever gotten, but the kid seemed harmless in the few moments they talked, so it wouldn't hurt to humor him. 

**Ashton Irwin** : _Ok, lol_

 **Ashton Irwin** : _Whos ur band?_

The dots at the bottom of the screen say Michael's typing, but then they disappear and it takes a few minutes before three messages come in - one right after another. 

**Michael Clifford** : _were called 5 Seconds of Summer_

 **Michael Clifford** : _https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SLL_kHUIZlo_

 **Michael Clifford** : _thats us_

Ashton clicks the link and a video pops up. There's three boys on screen, all of them smiling with each other, laughing as they introduce themselves. They begin playing, and it's clear the boy on the guitar doesn't have much experience, but he also doesn't seem to have the nerves of the other two, which is a good sign. When the boy to the right starts singing, Ashton recognizes him. He can't quite put his finger on _how_ or _where_ at first, but when he nervously adjusts his sleeves for the sixth time, it hits him. He's the kid from the movie theater a few months ago that was getting picked on for his glasses. The comments the other kids were making about hiding from the paparazzi make a lot more sense now. 

Altogether, they're pretty good, and Michael seemed pretty cool during the brief conversation Ashton had with him. Luke was nice enough, and the third kid doesn't seem to have a single care in the world when he's playing, so he's probably really dedicated to the band. They have a lot of views, too, and it looks like in the comments, people are commenting that they cover other songs. By the time they hit the last chorus of the song, Ashton's already made his decision. 

**Ashton Irwin** : _im in_

 **Michael Clifford** : _wanna come over tomorrow? or i guess today lol_

 **Ashton Irwin** : _lol yeah ok_

After that, Michael sends him an address and the time to show up. Ashton shrugs and falls asleep. They’ll at least be fun to jam with. 

  
  
  


_November 6_

"Who do you think would win in a fight: Godzilla or Heidi Klum?"

Across from Michael, Luke's forehead creases, showing that he's thinking very hard about the topic of conversation he's been presented with, but then his composure collapses in on itself and he starts giggling uncontrollably. 

They've been in Michael's living room for a little bit waiting for Ashton to show up and kind of audition to be their temporary drummer. It's just to see if he's a good fit with them as people, in all honesty. Calum's never even played the bass, and he's still their guy for it. Ashton could be a total beginner, and Michael would still eagerly invite him in. This is mostly for Luke's benefit, anyway. 

Michael's been asking Luke weird questions because he likes seeing his face scrunch up at how silly they are. And unlike Calum, he doesn’t just blow the question off. There's always a detailed answer that makes Michael feel appreciated, even if it is just to humor him. 

"That's a tough one," Luke says when he's finished giggling, finger tapping at his chin. "On one hand, Godzilla has an obvious height advantage. But I feel like Heidi is quick on her feet. Plus she’s married to Seal, so she’d have backup. Godzilla is a lone wolf. That could be his downfall." 

Michael nods seriously, having to bite his lip when Luke laughs at him. "I wouldn’t want to face off against Seal."

"It’s a losing battle."

When the doorbell rings, they've made it through a few more questions, but stop immediately, both scrambling to their feet and sharing an excited, wide-eyed look before running to the front door.

When they open it, Ashton's standing on the other side, friendly smile on his pretty face. He looks a lot cooler than Michael remembers from his cousin's birthday party last year, but when he gives them a wave with a little giggle, it all comes back that he's the softest person Michael's maybe ever met. 

"Hey, come in," Michael opens the door wider in an invitation. Ashton steps in and Michael shuts the door behind him. "Luke, this is Ashton."

"Luke! Hey, good to see you again!" Ashton teaches out and the two shake hands, Luke smiling at Ashton as he does. He doesn't say where they know each other from, and as calm as Michael tries to say he is, he really doesn't love that. Luke didn't mention knowing an _Ashton_ \- he feels like that should be important. Michael looks between them and narrows his eyes. Luke better not think Ashton's cuter than him. "Aren't there three of you?" 

Luke nods when Michael doesn't, too busy rolling his eyes. "Yeah, Calum's at footie practice. He'll be here next time."

Ashton's eyebrows drop, looking surprised and disappointed. Michael doesn't want to linger on their lack of a bass player so he says, "Uh, we have something for you to play on." He leads Ashton over to the silent drum kit Michael's parents bought him when he was seven that he never really did anything with. "It's not exactly drums, but it'll do, I hope." 

"Totally!" The grin on Ashton's face looks genuine, and Michael finds himself mirroring it. "I'll play on anything." 

"Awesome." Michael hands him the drum stick. "Do you wanna try it with us starting out on guitar and vocals and you can jump in and see if you can keep up?" 

"Sure," Ashton says. A smirk slowly forms itself on his lips as he twirls one of the sticks with his nimble fingers. "Go ahead"

He takes a seat and Michael slips his guitar strap over his shoulder as Luke does the same. With a nod at him, Michael begins strumming _All The Small Things._ Ashton jumps in quickly, surprising Michael enough that he misses a chord. After a few bars, Luke starts singing, and Michael gets a bit lost in his head. Ashton's playing absolutely perfectly, not missing a single note, staying on beat, and, while Michael will never admit this, he's far better than Luke and Michael. 

When they finish the song, Luke's wearing the same beautiful smile on his face that he was when Michael first played the guitar for him all those months ago, and it makes something test in Michael's gut. It only gets worse when Luke starts jumping. "Okay, that was awesome.”

"Luke, come over here for a sec." He pulls an enthused Luke put out of earshot - hopefully - and starts to whisper to him, wanting his honest opinion on if they should really let Ashton in their band, even just for the gig. "Are we sure about him?"

"Are you kidding, of course!" Luke's absolute shit at whispering, that's for damn sure. "We're not going to find anyone better than _that_." Michael doesn't love that Luke looks starry eyed, just because this pretty boy came in and played an instrument well. He's torn between being jealous of Ashton for stealing Luke's attention, and being happy that they've finally found someone to drum with them. 

In the end, Michael thinks about the _band_. Just because Luke's reacting to Ashton doesn't mean he couldn't like Michael. Besides, Ashton's amazing, they need him, and Michael doesn't entirely hate looking at his beautiful face and big arms. They walk back to Ashton together where he's still sitting on the stool, one eyebrow raised, tapping the drumstick on his thigh. 

If you're up for it, we have a gig coming up at the Annandale Hotel," Michael tells him, keeping his face chill, arms crossed in an effort to not seem too needy. "It would be sick if you came with us." It doesn't really work with Luke vibrating with energy beside him.

"That would be awesome!" Ashton agrees, drumming his thigh harder. "I'm so in." 

With plans to rehearse Saturday with Calum, Ashton heads out, clearing the house and clearing Michael's head. He's alone with Luke again, and that's all he ever wants 

  
  
  


_November 18_

Finally picking a date to meet their new drummer has been hectic. With football getting more serious to prepare for the summer season, Calum had to skip last weekend's rehearsal and force them to push the next one to today. Michael and Luke were fine with it, knowing how much his parents want this for him, but the drummer doesn't know him, doesn't understand the pressure behind closed doors, so he might not be as alright with the delay. 

He finally made time, though. That's the important part. They had a half-practice today and Calum’s mom promised to drive him straight afterwards to Michael’s house so they could actually get down to rehearsing for the gig that’s only two weeks away. 

It’s as Calum’s in the car, staring out the window with his eyes going in and out of focus, that he sees him. There - riding a push bike down the sidewalk at the end of Michael’s street - is the most attractive person Calum thinks he’s ever seen. He has hair that shines in the sun, and he’s wearing probably the ugliest shirt on earth, but Calum wants to know his name and maybe get to kiss him, if he’s honest. He spends the entire rest of the drive down the road staring in his rearview mirror, thinking about how he wants to write about the boy in his new journal tonight - what he'll say and how he'll describe his beautiful features - and when his mom drops him off at the curb in front of Michael’s house, he runs across the lawn and bursts through the door, not bothering to knock. 

“You guys!” he yells as he rushes into the living room where Luke and Michael are playing what looks like FIFA. The two look up at him without pausing. “The hottest guy I've ever seen in the ugliest purple shirt ever is biking down the street right now.” 

Before either of them can respond, there’s a knock at the door. The boys all look towards it, then at each other, unsure of what to do. On one hand, that’s probably their drummer, so they need to answer the door. On the other hand, Calum really needs to tell his friends about Hollister model on the push bike riding his way across Calum’s mind. 

Michael ends up answering the door, just out of view of the living room, and he gasps before showing whoever is at the door in. When Michael walks in the room again, he’s smirked, eyes narrowed smugly at Calum. Behind him, the boy on the bicycle comes walking into the room, friendly grin on his face. Calum is suddenly absolutely parched. 

Behind him, Luke snorts, and Calum realizes that he mentioned an ugly purple shirt in his excitement, and here their drummer stands… in an ugly purple shirt making Calum sweat. 

“Ash, this is Calum. Calum, Ashton.” Michael introduces them after the silence has run too long. “He's drumming with us.” 

Ashton, Calum’s future husband, looks at him expectantly, but his tongue is too big for his mouth suddenly and he can’t think of what to say. He fumbles a few words before settling on, “Salutations,” with his unfortunate lisp making an appearance. It’s as formal as he can get short of a bow. 

He’s met with a small wave back and then Ashton’s turning to face a laughing Michael. “Michael, do you think I could get myself some water?” he asks with his beautiful mouth. “I biked here and I'm kinda dying.” 

“Yeah, go ahead.” As soon as Ashton’s past the threshold, Michael’s turning to him, a wicked look in his eyes. “ _Thalutathions._ ”

“Shut up,” Calum snaps, arms crossing defensively. 

“Luke, how ugly is that shirt?” Michael asks. 

Luke raises his eyebrows at Calum, mouth tilted down in a frown, but still answering, “Pretty darn ugly, I'd say.” 

When Ashton walks back into the living room, Calum’s cheeks are stained red and he can’t stop staring at the floor. He won’t take back what he said about finding Ashton cute - he just wishes he wouldn’t have been so dang embarrassing about it. 

“You guys wanna play FIFA?” Michael asks, walking back around the couch to where Luke’s still sitting. “Luke and I were in the middle of a game.” Calum’s about to agree, always up for a game, when Ashton shrugs. 

“Eh. Not a big FIFA fan.” 

Michael, Luke, and Calum all exchange dumbfounded expressions, then Michael snaps his head back to Ashton, looking at him like he’s nuts - maybe he is, everyone likes FIFA. “Who doesn't like FIFA?”

“Me?” On anyone else it might seem rude but Ashton's so pretty and charismatic that Calum thinks he could get away with saying just about anything. 

Michael must think the same because he uncharacteristically switches off the game console and shrugs. “Should we practice then?” 

"Definitely." Ashton's face suddenly turns more serious than it's been. "We need to get in as much time as we can before the gig. He turns to Calum and points at him - a flutter makes its way through Calum's body. "You’re picking up the bass, right? And you haven’t played it before?" It's clear Ashton's little annoyed at Calum for some reason, his voice a little colder than it was with Michael, but Calum doesn't even care. He just nods in response and stares at Ashton's perfect face - he has such pretty lips. "Why don’t the three of us play something and you see if you can pick it up after we go through it once?" 

"Okay!" Calum agrees. He's been practicing with the top notes on his guitar at home, so he shouldn't be _too_ unprepared. "I can do that." 

There's a folded paper shoved into his hand as Luke walks past him, the four of them heading into the garage where they've set everything up. Calum uncrinkles the paper to see all of the printed bass notes to _Damned If I Do Ya, Damned If I Don't_. He looks at Luke who's grinning at him and smiles in relief. He's been practicing, yeah, but having the notes there for him is definitely a reassurance. Although in the long run, they probably won't come in handy - Calum doesn't think he'll be able to pay attention to anything other than Ashton for the rest of his life. 

Especially not know that he's sitting on the stool of the silent drum kit, legs spread wide as he twirls a stick in his hand. Calum begins to wonder if his thigh is as strong as it looks and if maybe Calum can sit there as he plays. 

The others start playing suddenly, and Calum jumps. He was so distracted he didn't even know they were counting in. He tries to look at his paper to see where he would play and how it would sound with them, but he gets bored of the black and white bleeding together and starts to look around. His eyes don't linger on Michael or Luke, though. They head straight for Ashton, watching him hit the electronic kit with his big arms, biting his cheek in concentration. He really is the hottest person Calum's ever seen. 

And it proves itself true when towards the end of the song, his body starts reacting to what he's seeing. He starts to get hard watching Ashton, and has to turn away for a moment, pulling his guitar tight against his body to hide what's happening, staring wide-eyed at the wall as he blushes and wills himself to calm down. 

"So," Calum's problem only gets worse when Ashton runs his hands through his hair, eyebrow raised expectantly at Calum. "Do you want to try following along this time?"

"Yeah!" Calum's voice cracks. "Yeah, I do." 

They play it again, this time Calum joining in, and he fumbles through it clumsily, not sounding that great, but it’s a start. Ashton has them do it a few more times before they switch over and start working on _Gotta Get Out_. It’s clear he’s stepped into a leader position in the band very quickly, Calum notices, he’s the organization they were sorely lacking, and Calum is in love. 

And so incredibly hard. He really tries to calm down, but it's difficult when all he can see is Ashton and all he can hear is Ashton and all he can think about is Ashton. 

Things finally get a little less intense when they've played through _Gotta Get Out_ almost perfectly three times in a row. Michael organizes them all so they're standing with Luke in front of Ashton and Michael and Calum on either side of him. It makes it so Calum can't see Ashton at all, and it helps him pay more attention to what he's playing. Calum also feels much more comfortable playing this one seeing as he wrote it, and it doesn’t sound half bad by the time the clock strikes seven.

"You guys can stay the night, if you want," Michael offers as they're taking a break, going over their practice. There's a bowl of barbecue chips in front of them, and Calum's been carefully timing his pulls so he doesn't accidentally touch Ashton and get hard again. "We can sleep in the granny flat in the back." 

"I’ll call my mom and see if it’s okay," Calum says, crossing his fingers that Ashton stays too. 

Luke nods,"Me too." 

All three boys flick their heads, looking at Ashton expectantly. He shrugs, popping a chip in his mouth. "Mine won’t mind, I can stay. 

"How old are you?" Calum asks before he can stop himself. Ashton just seems so _cool_. He doesn't even have to ask him mom for permission to stay out. 

"Seventeen," Ashton tells him, voice suddenly slightly cold again. "I’m in my last year at Richmond." 

Yeah… he’s the coolest person Calum knows. 

"Michael, stop!" Luke shouts. When Calum looks over, he sees that Michael's doing his signature, asshole move. He's just finished eating a chip and sprinkling the chip dust back into the bowl afterwards. At Luke’s words, he shows him his chip-mush covered tongue and smiles. Luke pretends to gag. "I don’t want to stay over anymore."

"You have to!" Michael shouts, draping himself over a giggling Luke's body. "If you do we can practice in the morning, too." It's a convincing argument, especially when they only have two weeks until their gig, so Luke reluctantly agrees to stay, squirming away from Michael, whose new lot in life, it seems, is to become a human backpack. 

They watch a couple of movies together and order pizza for dinner before Michael's mom gets sick of their laughing and kicks them out with a handful of blankets. Ashton takes them all and walks ahead, giving Calum the perfect opportunity to watch his strong ng new future-boyfriend take care of them. Calum's in between Michael and Luke as they trudge across the lawn, and takes the opportunity to mark his territory. "Hey, dibs on Ashton." 

Luke furrows his brow, probably not hearing him correctly, if Calum had to guess, but Michael taps the side of his nose knowingly, and gives Calum a nod to show he heard, that he understands and respects the claim. 

When they finally catch up with Ashton to the flat, Michael nearly kicks the door in to unstick it from the hinges. "There's a couch and a bed, and I refuse to sleep on the floor," he tells them. "You can all duel it out." 

"It's a king bed," Calum adds. "Someone can share with you." 

There's a small rock, paper, scissors tournament that Calum loses quickly. Luke ends up winning and throws himself on the left side of the bed, his arms flying behind his head as he grins smugly at a blank-faced Ashton. Michael looks at Calum with wide eyes, clearly worried about sharing a bed with Luke, but Calum just shrugs. He’s got his own sleeping situation to worry about

He looks at the couch and then at Ashton, who shakes his head and lies down on it immediately. "I’m calling this. It’s your penance for not showing up to the last two rehearsals." 

"That’s fair, I guess," Calum agrees, biting his lip against whining. It's not really fair at all, but Ashton's hot and Calum's not about to tell him no. He would sleep on a bed of nails if it meant Ashton could get a full 8 hours. 

"Really?" Ashton asks, surprise in his voice. 

Calum nods, "yeah." He curls up on the floor next to Ashton, yawning. He runs his eyes with his fist, feeling the weight of the day hit. 

He’s there for a few minutes before he hears Ashton sigh and he feels a comforter land on top of him. "Here." 

"Thanks," he says, smiling too hard to stop. His eyes squeeze shut as he melts into the carpet at Ashton's small gesture. "Night, Ashton."

"… Night." 

  
  
  


_December 3_

There's no way in hell they practiced enough. 

They met three times a week since Calum finally showed his face at a rehearsal, and while the songs they play are at least recognizable, they're still not their best. Ashton's nervous as all fuck to actually go onstage in front of a crowd and play with an underrehearsed set. The only thing giving him hope is the fact that they have fun together - something that came few and far between with Swallow The Goldfish. 

They're backstage at the Annandale Hotel. Well, "backstage" is a loose term. They're in a small room off the side of the room they'll be playing in, and Ashton's watching Calum adjust to using an actual bass for the first time ever. He doesn't sound bad at all, but it's really not something that should've waited until 10 minutes before they're due on stage. 

Somehow, Calum doesn't look worried. 

Luke, on the other hand, is dry heaving into a trash can while an equally sick looking Michael rubs his back comfortingly. It's not exactly the best lead in for the show. 

"Ready?" There's a man at the door suddenly. Ashton didn't hear the door open, but it looks like their time is up. "You’re on, boys."

They all look at each other and get up, following him wordlessly.

Ashton slides easily into the stool set up for him behind the instrument, glad to finally be behind a _real_ drum kit with them as opposed to Michael’s silent one. 

They sound bad. Not terrible, but not good. Ashton can see all three of them from where he’s sitting and he can tell Michael’s more nervous than he’s letting on. He keeps turning around and facing away from the audience, pretending to check the amp and make sure it’s working properly. It’s working fine, but it’s an excuse for him to hide a little bit. 

Ashton grins at Michael to loosen him up and it works a little, Michael smiles back and seems to gain a little confidence, nodding along to Ashton’s drum beat and smiling back at him. Ashton feels better for it. He’s really enjoying himself, can hardly bring himself to care anymore that they have a small audience and they could have used some more practice time. All he knows is that he wants to spend the rest of his life onstage. 

Calum needs to practice more, but Ashton has to admit he’s a great songwriter. He loved _Gotta Get Out_ when Michael and Luke first played it to him, and it made him forgive Calum a tiny bit for not showing up twice. It’s a great song to play live, too, he thinks while they play it. It feels like an anthem, and he could see it being important for their band moving forward. All they need is for Calum to translate his confidence into determination, and maybe they can really do it. 

Luke makes the audience participate and sing “ _even when the sky is falling down,_ ” and even though it’s a little awkward, Ashton feels like a real band, in an arena, hearing their lyrics shouted back at them. Maybe one day, when he’s found a permanent band, he can have this happen for real. 

The set ends quickly after that, and with a hurried goodbye, they’re walking off. 

"That was so freaking cool, oh my god," Calum begins rambling before they even make it through the back door into the hallway. His mouth is permanently open in a grin as he jumps at Luke, arms falling around him shoulders from behind. "Luke, when you made them sing to us? So cool. And I think the sound quality in there was really good, you know? Not that I’d know, I guess, but it sounded _big,_ you know what I mean? And Michael, you _shredded,_ so hard - " 

Holding back a laugh at the exaggeration, Ashton meets Michael's eyes and gestures to the bathroom with his thumb. Michael nods back at him with a thumbs up and leads the other two back into the green room. 

When Ashton finishes up in the bathroom, he walks into the greenroom to see Michael, Luke, and Calum all huddled together and laughing. He clears his throat and they all jump, turning to where he's standing in the doorway with an eyebrow quirked. Luke nudges Calum and he rushes forward, with a giant smile stretched across his face, falling down on one knee. He holds out a little circle that looks like it’s been hastily crafter out of tinfoil or gum wrappers. 

"Ashton Irwin, will you marry me?" Calum asks. He doesn't give Ashton time to think about what was said before he's giggling. "Just kidding, will you do us the honor of being our drummer?"

He looks so ridiculous that Ashton can't help but laugh. He nods, taking the circle and putting it on his finger, it’s loose and it looks stupid, but he’s happy. "Yes, I will," he agrees. "But we have to practice more regularly. I want to get out of this town someday."

As soon as the _'yes'_ is out, Luke squeals in excitement and jumps up and down while Michael barrels into Ashton and hugs him. Luke and Calum follow suit into a big group hug. Ashton really hopes this works out because this is the most fun he’s had performing in his life. He has a feeling this band is going somewhere. Even if they don't make it out of Sydney, he wouldn't mind staying if it meant being friends with these guys. 

  
  
  


_December 16_

Choosing the first song they cover as an official band was hard, too many different options floating around between them, but as a group, they decided Ashton should get the deciding pick. He chose _Teenage Dirtbag_ , which - in Calum's opinion - was a brilliant idea. And he told Ashton so himself, four separate times. All while touching his arm or shoulder. It was _not_ an excuse to squeeze Ashton's bicep no matter what Michael says, thank you very much. 

Sitting down and recording it actually takes a lot less time than their usual videos. Luke told him the song in Maths and Michael told him today at lunch. 

Now here they are, sitting in front of Michael's fake Christmas tree as Luke fiddles with the camera, huffing about as he tries to get a good angle. "I still say it's lame you have a fake tree, Michael," he eventually says after his third sigh in a row. "It doesn't even smell like Christmas in here." 

"I'm allergic to pine, Lucas," Michael defends himself. Despite knowing how badly Michael reacts to pine, Calum agrees with Luke. A few hives are well worth the holiday spirit. "We can't get a real one, but we can have this because I'm not allergic to plastic." 

He says the word plastic kind of funny on accident and Ashton laughs, mimicking, "Ah, _plastique_ ," just as Luke turns the camera on and signals to them that it's recording. Calum giggles at Ashton while Luke walks to sit down. 

Michael introduces Ashton as their new drummer, Ashton counts them in, and then they’re playing. “Oh yeah, this is _Teenage Dirtbag_ ,” Michael adds, chuckling, after realizing he forgot. 

For the first time ever, Calum’s actually nervous to sing. This is the first time his voice is really on display for Ashton and he wants to impress him. He sings the first line and cringes at the sound of his voice, but he pulls it together quickly, and he thinks he sounds pretty good. When he sings "she doesn't give a damn about me," Ashton harmonizes with him and his heart flutters a little. It takes all of his effort to not to turn around. 

He's not playing an instrument, so when it's Luke's turn to sing he feels a little awkward just sitting there bopping his head to the beat. Luke messes up a lyric but he makes a cute face afterward, and Calum can't help but smile back. He's trying his best to stay cool and collected because he knows Ashton's going to watch this back, and he’ll probably be looking at him, and he really wants Ashton to think he’s cool and that he looks good in his tank top. 

Tragedy strikes when Michael’s dog wanders into the living room, and Luke and Calum get a bit distracted during Michael’s solo, but they pull it together after the puppy runs back into the kitchen and out of sight. 

The end of the songs nears, and Luke hits his high note perfectly. Calum gets nervous for his and doesn’t go as loud as he usually does when he’s singing in his room, but he thinks he does alright. They stop playing their instruments shortly after, and Calum goes to turn the camera off, making a last minute decision to whisper, “ _I’m Batman,_ ” into the mic. 

“That was awesome!” Luke says, unfolding his long limbs to stand up. “Michael, I’m gonna go post it on your dad’s computer, kay?” 

“Kay!” Michael smiles at him fondly, putting his guitar gently in its holder next to the couch as Luke bolts up the stairs. 

Ashton runs after Luke, shouting, “You have to watch it before you post it, Luke!” 

Calum and Michael both watch until the other two are both upstairs, the thundering of their feet having disappears through the walls, giggling at their antics. Calum gives a small thought at how a year ago it was just he and Michael playing video games, but now there’s a whole group of them, making music together, and having fun together, making fun memories and creating entries for Calum's journal that never would've happened if it weren't for this silly band. He didn’t know he could be this happy. 

“I get what you see in Ashton, Cal,” Michael says suddenly. “He’s so cute sometimes.”

Calum sighs as he keeps looking towards the stairs. “I know.” 

“We were looking at each other a lot tonight during recording,” he adds. “He has such a nice smile.” Calum slowly looks away from the stairs and to where Michael’s cracking his back as he stands up. He doesn’t seem to realize anything wrong, and Calum feels embarrassed for how jealous he is of his best friend right now. He’s pouting a little when Michael looks at him. “I don't like him like that though!” 

“Kind of sounds like maybe you do…” He trails off, not wanting to cause a scene, but not wanting to be lied to, either.

Michael shakes his head “No, I promise I don't. I still like Luke. It's just - ” He sighs and crosses his arms. “Things are moving so slowly with him, if they're even moving at all, and it’s nice to have, like, a distraction, I guess.” Understanding, but still feeling a little upset, Calum shrugs. He gets it, it must be hard for Michael to not know where he stands with Luke. “That's your man though, Hood. Who am I to stand in the way of true love?” 

He places his hand dramatically over his heart, and Calum giggles. He still feels a little uneasy about Michael's comments on Ashton, but mostly all he feels when Luke comes thundering down the stairs followed by Ashton, yelling that the video is posted, is excited for what the next year will bring. 


	4. 2012

**2012**

_January 4_

"Hey guys, we're 5 Seconds of Summer." 

Despite Calum thinking it was his idea, they're playing one of Michael's favorite songs for the channel today. All Time Low is kind of the band that drew them all together, in a way, so it's only right that their first video of the year be _Jasey Rae_. Sure, Calum's been petitioning for it for the past few months, since even before Ashton, but it was Michael's final approval that pushed this video off the ground. 

Going down the line and pointing each of them out, Calum continues his introduction of the band. "Ashton, Michael, Calum, Luke." 

At the end of the line, closest to the camera, Luke holds his guitar up. "Luke on guitar." 

"Just in case." Calum giggles at Luke's personal intro. "We're doing a cover of Jasey Rae by All Time Low." 

"Subscribe and stuff," Michael adds quickly before anybody forgets. 

The song is easy to play. Michael's known how since the day after the _Put Up or Shut Up_ album came out, so he lets himself relax into it, keeping his head down for basically the entire song and just listening to Calum and Luke's voices. Every once in a while he or Ashton join in to harmonize, but it's nothing that takes too much effort or anxiousness on Michael's end. 

At one point, Luke is a little off key with his long note, so Ashton sings alongside him and guides him back on track. It's something so small, but it really showcases their compatibility as a band, that they didn't make a mistake when they asked Ashton to be their permanent drummer. Since befriending Luke, it was the smartest decision Michael's ever made. Or really, that _Calum's_ ever made. It was his idea, after all. 

The song finishes smoothly, and Michael has to admit it was one of their best covers ever. They're really growing together as a band, and he's proud of them. He strums his guitar quickly without finality at the end of the song and then hits Ashton's drum playfully. He looks up to see Calum smiling. "Thanks for watching, guys!"

Ashton turns the camera off quickly, cracking his back as he stretches. "Okay, I'm going to go upload that to the channel," he says. "I'll be back in a sec!

"I can go with you!" Calum volunteers, standing up quick enough that he stumbles a little. "In case you need help?" 

His offer isn't met with excitement, but Ashton doesn't tell him no. He looks mildly confused, crinkle in his brow as he starts to walk away. "Okay, sure?" He leads the way out, and Calum gives Michael and Luke two thumbs up, his grin big enough to crack his face. Michael winks back, laughing as Calum almost trips in his haste to catch up with Ashton. 

While they're gone, left with nothing else to do, Michael strums _Jasey Rae_ on his guitar again, liking the way the song hits his ears differently when he plays alone. 

"So…" Luke speaks up suddenly, trailing off. Michael looks up at him, and there are worry lines on his face. He looks like he's trying to figure out how to say something - Michael hopes it's that he's in love with Michael too. "Calum likes boys, huh?"

 _Oh_ . Michael stomach drops, and he immediately feels stupid for not thinking about the possibility of Luke not getting that. Or even of Luke not _liking_ it. "I thought you knew." Luke doesn't say anything, just shakes his head as his pretty blue eyes stare at Michael. "Is that like… going to be an issue for you?" He's partly asking for Calum, but he's mostly asking for himself. It's important that any of Luke's personal issues on the subject don't affect the band or - more importantly - hurt sweet, well-meaning Calum. But selfishly, Michael needs to know if he's been wasting his time being in love with Luke, if he's straight and doesn't like the idea of a boy that likes other boys. 

" _No_ , no it won't, I promise, I just thought - "

"It's fine, it's okay," Michael cuts him off, exhaling slowly afterwards. He wills himself not to cry, feeling incredibly broken at the idea that Luke hasn't been looking back at him the same way. "So I think we should um, start planning our next video. I guess. Don't you? I don't know what song you were thinking of but I - "

"Michael, really," Luke interrupts him, hands reaching over to grab Michael's in their grip. "I don't have a problem with it. With Calum or with… with anyone else." When Michael looks up, Luke's smiling sweetly at him, and Michael feels a bit of hope inside of him. He bites his lip in front of his own smile, and Luke squeezes his hand in reassurance, "Not at all." 

  
  
  


_February 14_

Don't get Ashton wrong, he loves his new band and all of the friends he's made in it, he just doesn't exactly appreciate the differing levels of commitment from each of them. For instance, Ashton gave up the chance to go to the movies with his siblings today so he could be spread out on his bedroom floor calling all of the fans that liked their Facebook page and left their number on the Valentine's Day post. Calum, on the other hand, skipped out so he could go kick a stupid ball around the field. It just feels like some of them are a _little_ more dedicated to the band than others. 

"Yeah! Yeah, it was nice to talk to you too!" Luke shouts from where he's sitting against Ashton's bedroom wall, and Ashton breathes a sigh of relief that Luke's finally wrapping this call up. "I have to go now, though, I have to- what's that? Oh, probably music, I guess, but I like maths as well…" 

He looks over at Luke, who's looking back with a pained expression, clearly trying to get out of his conversation. They've set themselves a solid one-minute limit per call to save from being on the phone all night, but Luke's far too polite to just hang up, and he keeps getting dragged back in. He's been stuck on the same call for the past six minutes. When Ashton tries to give him a reprimanding look, he mouths " _I'm trying!"_ And Ashton has to hold his laughter in. 

Just like with everything else thus far in the band, Michael does this effortlessly. He keeps his convos short and sweet, spending most of his time watching Luke and rolling his eyes when he giggles at something one of the fans says to him over the phone. 

"- and that's how I found your videos!" The yell of the fan on the phone cuts off Ashton's day dream. "Isn't that funny?" He laughs, just in time, along with the fan. 

"That's hilarious!" He responds, and he can see Michael smirk at how overexaggerated he's coming off. "Sounds like your friend has good taste. Anyways, I've got to go, but happy Valentines Day! Hope it's good!" The fan on the phone says the same and they hang up. He looks at his phone and sees that he got that one done in forty-six seconds. Meanwhile, Luke's going on minute seven. 

Looking down at their call list, Ashton notices they still have twenty more fans to call. He's exhausted, having been up early to help Lauren and Harry get ready for school, and he doesn't know if he can keep doing this. 

Luke finally manages to hang up, but his excitement is cut off by a frustrated groan. "Dang it!" He shouts, and Ashton bites back a smile at his inability to say an actual curse word. "My mom's here." 

"Luke, we have so many people left!" Michael yells exactly what Ashton was thinking. 

Luke shoves his things in his bag, looking apologetic, but not slowing down enough to let the other two convince him to at least take like five numbers to call. "Sorry guys, you’ll have to finish without me. I gotta go!" 

He runs out the door and Ashton looks over to see Michael pouting a little, looking down at the list of 20 names they still have left. He looks so pathetic that Ashton feels something twist in his stomach, something that makes him want to see Michael's smile again. 

"Ten minutes," he says, smiling encouragingly when Michael looks up confused. 

"Huh?"

"I think we can do it in ten minutes," he clarifies. "You take ten numbers, I take ten. Piece of cake. Then we can record the thank you video." 

The grin he's met with from Michael has a bit of an edge to it, a determined glint in his eyes. "Let’s do this."

Even with their own self-imposed time goal, it still takes them about sixteen minutes. They didn't account for the time it takes to dial or the one crying fan that Michael felt too bad hang up on. So in the end, they spend a bit longer on it than they've planned for, but not _much_ longer. They're sitting down to record their Valentine Thank You, and as they're talking, Ashton notices Michael keeps fixing his hair as he stares in the viewfinder at himself. Ashton thinks he doesn't need to, his hair is always perfect and he always looks so cool. He's the type of boy Ashton always finds cute when he watches pop punk music videos and stuff. 

Thinking more about it, Michael always makes him feel a little special, too. He's always giggling and touching Ashton, and if he didn’t know any better, he’d think Michael had a crush on him. But he acts that way around Luke most of the time, if not even more so, so that’s probably just how he is. Besides, even if Michael _was_ flirting with him, and even if Ashton admitted to flirting _back_ ,he would never act on it. He could never put the band in jeopardy like that. 

As they're turning the camera off, both of their cheeks a little red from laughing with each other, Ashton turns to Michael, grinning. Neither say a word for a moment until Ashton sees Michael's lips part, and he knows they have to break the tension. "I think… that was good."

"It was." Michael's looking up at Ashton though his eyelashes, and it makes the air in Ashton's lungs stutter out. "You were funny." For a moment they both look at each other, but then Michael bites his lip, and _oh God_ , Ashton's heart starts beating, knowing what's about to happen. "You, uh, could sleep over if you want?" He offers, panicking at the idea that they maybe might kiss. "It’s getting late."

"Oh, no, that’s okay," Michael shakes his head, leaning back slightly. "My mom’s coming soon."

"Cool." Again, it's tense and quiet. Michael bites his pinky nail, and Ashton needs the moment to end because he doesn’t understand what exactly is happening, and he doesn't want to do something that might make things weird. "Let’s post it. Help me cut the intro part?" 

Michael nods and scooches closer to him, their legs brush, and he giggles a little. "Sorry." 

"It’s okay." 

And it is. Because nothing like this is ever going to happen again. Ashton just needs to accept that he's in a band with a very cute boy that maybe, probably, thinks he's cute too. And they can never do anything about it for the safety of the band. 

  
  
  


_February 15_

When Calum gets home from football practice, all he wants to do eat a big dinner, take a hot shower, write in his journal, and sleep until he has to be up for school in the morning. His mom, unfortunately, isn't home yet, so he settles for a bowl of cornflakes, taking it up to his room and opening his laptop. He makes it halfway down his Facebook feed before he remembers Michael told him they posted a Valentine's Day video last night that he needs to watch. So he opens YouTube and goes to their channel.

Immediately, his stomach is turning. The fact that it's just Ashton and Michael doesn't bother at first, not like it bothered Michael when Calum sang with Luke, at least. The part that feels like a knife to his chest is that Michael's _flirting_ with Ashton. He's fixing his hair, he's giggling, and he's looking at him with the same eyes he gives to Luke every single day. He _knows_ how much Calum likes Ashton - he's the only person Calum's ever had a crush on - but it's like that doesn't even matter. 

When Michael says that he and Ashton are the better members of the band (not even saying Calum's name), he decides he's had enough and shuts his computer, pushing it to the foot of his bed. He walks to Mali's room, knocking on the door and opening it without waiting for permission. 

Looking up to see Calum, Mali smiles in greeting, but her face falls when she sees Calum sniffling. "Cal? Everything okay?" He shakes his head and crosses his arms, trying not to cry. "Come here." He climbs up onto the bed and situates himself against the headboard next to Mali. "Tell me what’s going on, kiddo."

Calum sighs and puts his head on her shoulder, smiling a little when she reaches out and pets his hair. "So, I have a crush on a guy," he starts. When Mali just hums, he continues. "Ashton. I have a crush on Ashton." 

"Ooooh," she sings after gasping. "He’s a cutie. I don’t blame you."

"Yeah, he is," Calum snaps bitterly, feeling his first clench. "and I’m not the only person who thinks so."

"Ah, are you caught in a love triangle, Cal?" 

In all honesty, he hadn't thought of it like that. The thought of being in one makes him feel a little grown up, but it just hurts knowing who's on the other end. He and Michael are supposed to be best friends, not rivals. "For that to happen I think someone would have to like me. And no one does, not Ashton or Michael. They just like each other. And they’re probably gonna get married." He kicks at the blanket in his anger, but he quickly feels guilty for messing it up. 

Mali just laughs at his reaction. "Michael?" She asks. "That boy is in love with Luke, he doesn’t have room for another crush." 

"How did you know that?" 

"Cause I’m not blind," she rolls her eyes in an exaggerated fashion. "What makes you think he likes Ashton?" 

Instead of answering, not wanting to start crying halfway through his explanation, he makes grabby hands at her laptop, and she slides it to him. He pulls up the video and shoves the computer back to her, staring resolutely at her face not wanting to have to sit through the torture of them falling in love again. Mali hums as she watches it and Calum repeats the noise, ticking his tone up at the end, demanding to know her thoughts. 

"I think you may be reading into this a little," she finally decides on. 

"What do you mean?"

She keeps her eyes on the screen just a little bit longer, mouth twisting slightly before she closes it, Ashton's voice cutting off in the middle of a painfully beautiful laugh. "Calum, they’re friends," she eventually says. "They’re going to laugh together. And yeah, maybe Mikey was a little flirty, but I’ve seen him flirt with a flower vase before. That’s who he is."

"I guess so," Calum sighs, shrugging his shoulders so he feels less apparent when he shrinks in on himself. 

"If you want my advice," Mali starts, tapping her shoulder against Calum's, "and I know you do, I’d say don’t jump to conclusions. This is just a friendly video. And I’m sure that if you weren’t at practice, they would have been happy for you to be there."

It's not that he doesn't believe her, it's just that admitting that he's a bit jealous of anybody getting Ashton's attention makes him look immature, and he doesn't want to be such a baby. Especially not when Ashton's older and cool and he doesn't have to ask him mom's permission to stay at people's houses overnight. Maybe he doesn't need to admit that he's been dumb, maybe he just needs to grow up. 

"You’re right," he eventually concludes. "Thanks, Mali." 

He stands up to leave, but Mali's voice stops him. "Kiddo?" He looks back at her. "You’re a catch, you know that? Any boy would be lucky to have you, and if Ashton isn’t the one, it’s his loss."

He grins at her and blows her a kiss as he leaves. They’re sweet words, and he appreciates them, but he wants Ashton to be the one so badly it hurts.

  
  
  


_March 1_

By some miracle, Calum's the first to arrive to rehearsal. When Luke opens his front door to their bassist biting his bottom lip, looking like he's about to ask for help burying a body, Luke feels his heart drop. 

When they walk into Luke's room to wait for the other two, Calum, in a soft voice, asks, "Can I tell you a secret and you promise not to tell anyone?" 

"Even Ashton and Mikey?" He double checks, and when Calum nods, Luke knows it's really serious. 

"I don’t want them to know until I figure it out," he explains, taking a seat on the bed. His hands are twitching in his lap and Luke has a very bad feeling. 

"'It' what?" 

After taking a deep breath and turning his attention to the Good Charlotte poster on Luke's wall, Calum starts to spill. "Okay, so, football has been going really good this year, and everyone thinks I have potential to go really far - like, _professionally_ . I think I might be really good at it, Luke, and Coach offered me a place at this football camp this fall in _Brazil._ He told my parents, and my mom told me I should take it." Luke can't move his mouth, too terrified to speak. All he can think about is the band, and Michael, and everything they've all built together. "It’s for the whole month of May, and I’m just not really sure if I should go or not. It would mean I was really serious about footie if I did it. Like, that I would maybe want to go pro." 

When Calum's wide eyes start staring into Luke's, he finds his voice. "But what about the band?"

"I don’t know," Calum says, sounding about as desperate as Luke feels. "That’s the thing is like, I really want to stay in the band, I love it so much. But this is kind of more stable? I guess?" He shakes his head at himself. "That’s what my parents said." Luke stays quiet, not wanting to look at Calum and get mad. "It's a really big opportunity."

There's no chance for Luke to say something in reply. Before he can think of how to phrase his response, Ashton and Michael come bursting into Luke's room, breaking the moment up. Michael sprawls out on the bed with them, his head in Luke's lap, and Luke starts to card his hands through his hair. 

The tension in the room is palpable, and it's clear to everyone that something bad has just happened. Ashton's the first to mention it, eyes flicking between Calum and Luke. "We telling secrets?"

"No," Luke denies, giving Calum a pointed look and directing his next words towards him. "Calum just had a really bad idea, that’s all." Calum looks down and crosses his arms, big lips pouted as he stares at his lap. If he goes through with the camp, then he's going to end up playing professionally, and then what happens to the band? 

What happens to their friendship? 

  
  
  


_April 7_

There’s a large possibility that Calum might just be in love with Ashton Irwin. He’s probably the funniest, most attractive person on Earth. 

They were all set to record a cover today, but Michael’s aunt surprised everybody by coming to town for Easter, so they couldn’t do it, especially not since he had a solo. He told them to record without him, but they had to pick a new song, so Calum chose _A Team_ , and Ashton sat out because “ _you can’t drum to Ed Sheeran, Calum_.” 

It’s alright, though. Luke’s always great, no questions asked, but Calum’s _amazing_ at this, Mali told him so herself, and she knows good music. He’s not even worried that Ashton’s standing behind the camera, watching like a hawk - he’s just ready to impress him. 

When they start recording, Calum introduces himself, unable to stop himself from smiling up at Ashton. He’s not even doing anything spectacularly comedic, but there’s no stopping how Calum sees him with a golden glow around his pretty face. It only gets worse when, in a deep voice, Ashton follows his intro with, “ _And Greg on the camera_ ,” and Calum loses it… he’s _funny_. Luke doesn’t laugh as hard as Calum, and Calum thinks it might be a bit weird because he laughs at his own jokes, and they’re not even on the same level as Ashton’s. 

Pulling up the guitar tabs on his phone, Calum continues speaking, “Anyway, we’re gonna be playing, um…” He loses his train of thought for a moment when Ahton leans in to focus on the viewfinder of the camera, biting his lip, and Calum thinks about how hot it’d be if they were _his_ teeth making the indents. “We’re gonna be playing A team by Ed Sheeran. It’s one that we haven’t gotten around to singing, so. Hope you all like it.” Luke gives the camera a double thumbs up and Calum starts playing. 

It goes well, _really_ well. Luke misses a lyric again but Calum’s grown to expect it, that’s kind of Luke’s thing at this point. He’d be a little more upset, but it’s kind of charming. Some of their fans have started commenting about it, so he can’t be too angry if it’s a little inside joke with everyone. 

They finish the song easily, and right before they turn the camera off, Calum remembers what day it is and points to his cross bracelet. “Oh! Happy Easter!” 

“Happy Easter, guys,” Ashton repeats from behind the camera, setting a fire in Calum’s small body. They’re a _team_. “Say Happy Easter, Luke Hemmings.” Luke laughs, but doesn’t say it. “Now, back to the dungeon!” 

He turns the camera off, and Calum lets himself get a little lost in his laughter. Luke joins him, which - thank _God_ . If he didn’t, Calum would start to think there was something seriously wrong with him. Ashton’s truly the funniest person that’s ever existed and ever _will_ exist, and Luke doesn’t give him the credit he deserves. 

“Guys, that was so fucking good,” Ashton compliments, picking the small camera up off the table and holding it in his big hands. “The fans are gonna love it.” And Calum’s never been a big fan of swearing, but it looks so effortless falling from Ashton’s pink lips. He considers what he’d look like doing it - if Ashton would think it sounds as cool. “Calum, your voice is perfect for that song, and the little triad you played worked perfectly.” 

While Calum’s too busy feeling like he might die with all of his dreams having come true, Luke pouts. “What about me?”

“Dreadful,” Ashton deadpans. “You’re out of the band.” Luke’s jaw drops in mock-horror, but Calum thinks that his reaction might be a little more real than he’s letting on. He’s really sensitive despite having the best voice of all of them. “I’m kidding, Lucas. You’re always perfect, you know that.” Ashton holds the camera up in his hand. “Let’s watch it back.”

They do, and it sounds amazing, just like Ashton said - of course he’d never lie to them. Halfway through the playback, Ashton starts laughing, and he doesn’t explain it until Luke urges it out of him with a whiny, “ _What?_ ” 

“I was gonna ask, Luke, why are you sitting like that?”

Calum looks over to Luke from where he was staring at himself and instantly joins in on the giggling. “You look constipated.” Ashton starts laughing harder, and Calum’s heart bursts into a billion butterflies and takes flight. He’s made the funniest man in the world laugh. This is a good bonding moment for them, a good foundation for their future marriage. 

“It helps my diaphragm!” Luke yells, frowning at the camera. “Stop making fun of me, I’ll leave the band for real.”

“Aww, Lukey poo.” He hugs Luke from behind and bites his shoulder playfully. Luke makes a grumpy noise, but he smiles not long after, and Calum knows they’re forgiven. Ashton watches them both with a smile, and it makes Calum thinks about the camp application he just sent in to his coach. 

If he gets in, he’s going to miss them a lot while he’s gone.

  
  
  


_April 13_

Not that they were a _horrible_ band to start with, but in a few short months, they’ve really improved together. The songs they play are identifiable, and the transitions between songs are cohesive. Ashton’s even taken his hand at songwriting in between rehearsals and filming cover videos. Nothing particularly good has transpired from it, but with the work he’s putting in, they should be playing an _Ashton Irwin Original_ in no time at all. 

Despite the fact that they sound better than they ever have, on the road to being the best band in Australia, then maybe the world, today they’re sucking. It’s not that their talent has diminished any - Ashton and Michael are still as great as ever - it’s just that Calum and Luke are whispering in the corner, missing their entries to the song and skipping entire bars. Luke looks positively livid, face a shade of red that Ashton doesn’t think has existed before today, and Calum’s got his bottom lip sticking out, looking like he’s pleading for something. 

They silently fight through the entire five minute break Michael calls when he has to help his mom bring groceries in, and they continue to do it throughout the next song. Ashton looks at Michael when Luke doesn’t start singing, and he shrugs, mouthing ‘ _no idea_ ’ at Ashton. 

It’s not until Calum furiously whispers something at Luke that it all comes to a head, and Luke finally snaps, throwing his hands in the air and shouting, “You’re being fucking stupid! You’re going to ruin everything!”

All instruments cease, Michael and Ashton’s wide-eyes meet each other in disbelief. Luke and Calum _never_ swear, so this has to be serious. 

“Whoa,” Michael says, breaking the silence, and Ashton jumps into action. 

“Okay, that’s it,” he breaks, standing up from behind his kit. “You guys are acting really weird. Someone better tell us what’s going on right _now._ ” 

After speaking to each other with their eyes, Luke turns to Ashton, face twisted as he shouts, “Calum’s _leaving us._ For a _month._ ” He looks at Calum accusingly and Calum looks down, his arms crossed, clearly upset. Ashton’s confused at the confession, but he feels something start to simmer beneath his skin. Luke scoffs,“Really? You’re not going to say anything?” He turns back to Michael and Ashton. “He’s going to camp to play football. Just when we’re getting really good.” 

Calum’s still looking down, not defending himself and Ashton feels himself starting to get angry. “Is that true?”

“It’s a really big opportunity,” he says in a quiet voice, as if that’ll make things better. 

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Ashton can’t fucking believe this. It’s like Luke said, they’re finally getting _good_ . This is his one shot, and Calum Hood is going to ruin it all. He _knew_ Calum didn’t care as much as the rest of them, and this just proves him right when he wanted to be wrong. He starts moving suddenly, storming out of the room. He just needs a moment alone to breathe.

“Ashton, wait!” Clearly not understanding, Calum follows him out. Ashton rolls his eyes and turns around, raising his eyebrows at Calum. 

“Are you mad?” 

He doesn’t even have it in him to start laughing like he would’ve were the situation any different, “No _shit_ I’m mad, Calum!” At Ashton’s yelling Calum jumps, brown eyes losing a bit of shine in them, but Ashton doesn’t really care. He doesn’t care because Calum’s selfish - he’s taking Ashton’s one chance at making it out of Sydney and stomping all over it. “Is this just, like, a hobby for you? Something to do on the side before you dump us and play pro football?” 

“No, I - ”

“Because I don’t fucking _have_ something else to fall back on, Calum. This is it, this is my shot. I work at KFC. My family doesn’t have money. I fucking told you at the Annandale, I told you if I was gonna be in the band, we were gonna take it seriously, because this is my chance to make it out of this town. But you don’t care, do you?”

Ashton watches as Calum’s lower lip wobbles, and a sick part of him thinks _good_. Calum opens his mouth, like he’s trying to catch his breath and then defends, “I do care! I want to keep going, this is important to me, I swear - ”

“No, it’s _not,_ ” Ashton yells back, his voice cracking with just how furious he is. “It’s not important to you, football is important to you, clearly. So go to your stupid camp, leave us to practice alone like you _always_ do. Have fun. Whatever.” 

He turns to walk back to the practice room, but Calum yells out, “ _Wait,_ Ashton, please,” and starts to follow him again.

“Don’t follow me,” Ashton snaps, making a quick turn to head for the front door. “I don’t want to look at you right now.” He walks out, not caring that he’s leaving practice early - he’ll text Michael and Luke later and apologize for causing a scene. Right now, though, he can’t look that traitor in the face. 

  
  
  


_May 3_

With Calum being away in Brazil, practices aren’t quite the same. Sure, he used to skip a practice or two a week, but now there’s this permanent gap within them. Michael feels lost without his best friend, and it’s uncomfortable knowing that Ashton’s still mad. Especially since Michael knows Calum isn’t quitting the band - he’s in this, Michael’s positive. It’s just a small lapse in his judgement. 

Right now they’re coming up with ideas of songs to cover. Their channel has been lacking a bit lately, and they want something good to go up. They're eating Oreos on Michael's bedroom floor tossing ideas back and forth, pretending things aren't completely different without Calum laughing at everything Ashton says. 

"Summer Shudder?" Luke reads off his iPod. He's been going through his library and getting shot down by Michael and Ashton. Only, this isn't a bad suggestion. 

"Yeah, we could do AFI." Michael sits up from where his been leaning back against his dresser. "I like Miss Murder more, though."

"That one has great bass," Luke nods, writing the name down on a piece of paper laid out next to him. "We can do it when Calum gets back."

Ashton’s been a little quiet, and when Luke says Calum's name, he rolls his eyes. "Yeah, when Calum gets back." It's obvious that he's still annoyed with Calum, that he's not over their fight. Calum had run back into Michael’s bedroom after Ashton had yelled at him, furiously rubbing his eyes and letting out little sobs. Michael had been a little angry that he hadn’t told him about camp but the annoyance melted away when he saw how broken up about it Calum was. He knows how hard his parents can be on him. And anyways, it’s just a month and then he’ll be back again and they can keep going with the band like before.

"He _is_ coming back, Ashton," Michael insists. "It’s just a month, he’ll be back before we know it."

"And then what? He ditches us for good to play footie?" Ashton shakes his head, the corner of his lip turned up like something's funny, even though none of this is. "I think we should start looking for a new bass player."

Luke’s jaw drops and he looks to Michael, scandalized. "We can’t! It’s _Calum,_ we can’t just replace him!"

"I’m not saying I want to!" Ashton says back, just as loud. "It’s just. We can’t keep waiting around for him to make up his mind. I want to move forward with this! And I know you want to, also." He looks at Luke who nods in agreement but still looks absolutely devastated at the idea of finding a new bassist. 

Michael feels his heart cracking in his chest at the thought of ever being a band without Calum. He was the first person that chanced making friends with Michael and to betray him like that makes Michael begin to shake with worry. The only thing more important to him than the band’s success is their friendship, he’d rather lose out on being famous than fall out with Calum. "Ashton, we can’t," he says quietly. Ashtons lips thin and his head tilts, but Michael refuses to see his point and shakes his head. "No, listen. I promise when he comes back, he’s choosing us. I know Calum, I know how important this is to him. Please, give him a chance to choose us. I swear he won’t let you down."

"He already has." Ashton's voice is harsh, but Michael keeps his pleading eyes aimed at Ashton until he sighs in resignation. "Fine. We’ll wait until he gets back," he agrees. "But he better start taking this seriously then, or I’m putting out an ad for a new bassist."

 _That's never going to happen_ , Michael promises himself, but nods along with Ashton's conditions. He's content for now, but the small bit of him left worrying across his fingers that Calum pulls through. 

  
  
  


_May 5_

Coming to Brazil wasn’t the smartest choice, Calum knows now. It’s the middle of the night, and he can’t sleep. Today was exhausting, he’s never run so much in his life, but his mind won’t rest. All he can do is stare at the bunk above his, angry at his late arrival for forcing him into a bottom bunk, and think about how little he actually wants to here. 

Camp isn’t all it's cracked up to be. Despite playing better here than he’s ever played at home, despite climbing up the leaderboard displayed in the cafeteria, Calum doesn’t like it one bit. The boys at the camp are nothing like his friends at home. They’re all so incredibly boring. They make fun of Calum for singing in the shower, and not a single one of them is even half as cute as Ashton Irwin is on his worst day. It’s a tragedy that they’re all Calum has to look at. 

Thinking of Ashton makes Calum think of home, which makes him think of his band and how much he let them down. He doesn’t blame Ashton for being angry, as much as it hurt his feelings when Ashton yelled at him, he understood where it had come from. And he misses him, even if Ashton doesn’t miss him back. 

He misses all of them, He misses watching Michael flirt terribly with Luke, he misses Luke’s stupidly loud donkey laugh, and he misses playing bass. He may not be that great at it yet, but he’s getting better. He’s getting _good_. He’s grown to love it, and he just doesn’t feel the same about football, doesn’t have the same drive for it. It’s a waste of his time to be here when all it’s doing is making him homesick. 

He doesn’t need the full month of this horrible camp to make up his mind.

  
  
  


_May 7_

Michael wakes up to a strange weight on his thighs. At first he thinks it might be his dog wanting to be let outside, but when he groans and opens his eyes to see Calum sitting on top of him, grinning, he shuts his eyes again. "Go away, Calum. I’m trying to sleep." He throws a weak hand out and attempts to fall back asleep, but then his brain catches up with the situation, and his eyes snap open. " _Calum?"_

" _Michael!"_

Seeing his best friend ignites a fire in his veins, pumping excitement in his blood. He uses it to flip Calum over and the two play wrestle for a bit, giggling as they attempt to pin each other down. It's early, though, so Michael exhausts himself quickly and ends up settling into Calum's body, head squished against his chest and arms around his thin waist. "When did you get back?" He asks. 

"Last night." 

"I missed you." 

Calum laughs both hands diving into Michael's hair, messing it up a little as he brushes through the knots. "Me too. Everyone at camp was boring. They didn’t even know who Jack Barakat was." 

Michael mock gasps. "Blasphemy."

"I _know._ " Calum giggles, and _God_ , Michael missed the sound. He missed the warm embrace of someone familiar and the gentle pets that nobody does the right way. He missed his best friend - plain and simple.

"How’s Luke?” Calum asks him. “You get married while I was gone?" 

"Still cute. But no, we didn’t." Michael sighs a bit pitifully. It's unfortunate that in past year nothing has developed romantically between them. "He gave me some of his goldfish yesterday though."

"Luke doesn’t share food." 

It’s true, Luke grew up with two brothers and is very protective over his food. That’s why the goldfish were very significant in Michael’s book. A sign of possible true love? "I _know,"_ he eventually whines. 

They sit quietly together, and Michael would usually be falling asleep, but he can feel the tension in Calum's bones, the hesitance in his breath. Eventually, after Michael let's Calum's thoughts process, he finally asks, "How’s, um. How’s Ashton?" 

"He’s… good." It's not a lie. Ashton, as a person, is doing just fine. In relation to Calum, though… 

"Is he still mad at me?"

He is. But Michael doesn’t want to tell Calum this outright and make him sad, so he compromises. "Not as much, I think?" It doesn't feel wrong coming off of his lips, so he thinks he might be okay. "Like… he’s not happy? But I think you could turn it around, if like. Are you choosing the band? Like, you’re back early to play with us, right?" He realizes he hasn't asked yet, just assumed, and if Calum's only back early to go pro immediately, if this is the last time he ever sees Calum - 

"I’m back for the band." And the verification makes Michael's breathing so much easier. "It’s what I want to do."

"He’ll forgive you. You just have to convince him you're all in," he promises before turning to let out a squeak of excitement against Calum's chest. "He will."

  
  
  


_May 8_

When Calum interrupts band practice to surprise everyone, he's expecting a celebration. He chose them, afterall, and they're his best friends, so anything short of a group hug will be a major disappointment. He walks into Luke's bedroom to the man himself on the floor with his guitar. Michael's laying on the bed behind him, and Ashton's sitting with his back to Calum. 

He walks in the room, swallows the lump sitting in his throat and says, "Hey."

At the sudden noise, Luke looks up and his eyes go wide. "No fucking way." Ashton turns around, but there's no expression on his face. Luke bounds to his feet and comes barreling into Calum, thin arms throwing themselves over his shoulders. "You’re back! I missed you so much! Why are you back?"

"I wanna do this," Calum confirms, giggling at Luke's onslaught, at the messy kiss that gets placed on his cheek. "The band, I want to be in the band for real." 

" _Yay_!!!" In his joy, Luke goes over to Michael and pulls him off the bed, twirling him around and dancing spontaneously in joy. Michael goes easily, because of course he does, smiling at Luke and letting himself be twirled.

While Calum watches them, he feels Ashton's calculating eyes still looking at him. Calum looks back and holds his breath. "Hey." 

"I need to talk to you." It isn't the joyous welcome wagon he was expecting, but when Ashton gets up and nods his head to the door, steering them into the hallway, Calum has no choice but to follow. He stands looking at Calum, arms crossed. "You came back early." Calum nods. "Way early." He nods again. 

"This is important to me." 

"Well, it better be," Ashton bites back. He doesn't exactly sound excited, but he's not calling for a new bassist, so it's a good sign. "I need you to be sure about this, Calum. Because if you change your mind and pull something like this again, I swear to God, I’m kicking you out of this band myself, I don’t care what Michael and Luke say - " He keeps talking, lecturing Calum, but Calum stopped listening after he heard his name come out of Ashton’s mouth, he didn’t realize how much he missed it until he heard it. "And don’t think I’ve forgiven you, either, I’m still… are you even listening to me?" 

But he's not listening. He's just grinning, it's all he can do. He leans in and wraps his arms around Ashton, feeling him stiffen beneath the touch, but not caring. It's only been a few months, but Ashton's one of Calum's friends now, and he missed him while he was away. Calum must hang on too long because after an awkward pat to his back, Ashton clears his throat. Calum pulls away blushing, the smell of boy still sticking around. 

They head back in the room and Ashton maintains his cold layer towards Calum as they discuss which song to cover next. None of it matters though, because Calum knows he made the right choice in staying, and he knows Ashton will see it too. 

  
  
  


_May 16_

When lunchtime finally comes around, Luke can't hold in the news anymore. He's been trying to get both of his friends alone for the past four hours, but they're incredibly evasive, and the fact that they're both already in the music room when Luke makes his way inside with the crinkled paper in his hand is nothing short of a miracle. 

"What's up with you?" Calum asks as the doors slam behind Luke. He's shaking, grinning something sharp. "You were acting weird all through bio." 

Michael frowns, eyes jumping between the two of them. "Weird how?" 

"I dunno, he was all fidgety." Calum and Michael are both staring at Luke and he really needs them to just pay attention to what he's trying to say. "Looked like his pants were full of bees or something." 

"It's ants."

"Huh?" 

Luke stomps his feet a few times, but neither turn to look at him. Michael just rolls his eyes at Calum and starts explaining as though Luke isn't about to burst into tears with them ignoring him. "When your pants are full of bugs, its ants, not bees. How would the bees - "

"Shhhhh," Luke starts shushing them, impatience shaking him. "Shut the fuck up, oh my god, be quiet, I have to show you something." He pulls out a printed email hed received this morning, sliding it over the table so they can read it at the same time. It's from an executive at Sony/ATV Music Publishing. It states that they're interested in signing 5 Seconds of Summer, they want to do a professional recording of an original song, construct an EP and they're offering 3 tour dates as a trial run. 

Luke dances in place as they read, Calum finishing first, eyes wide as he looks up to Luke. He doesn't say anything, but when Michael finishes, he says enough for both of them. "Holy fucking shitballs."

"Do you think it's real?" Luke asks, needing someone to verify that he's not making it all up in his head. 

"There's no way." 

As Luke starts to sink into himself at Calum's doubt, Michael turns to him, eyebrows curving in. "Hey, why is there no way?"

"We haven't posted enough. Why would they be interested?" 

"We have a lot of followers, though," Luke explains. As much as he doubts it's real, he _really_ wants it to be. Making music professionally is the whole reason he started posting on YouTube in the first place. "People like us. It could be real."

He looks up to see Michael grinning at him and its makes him feel a little better. 

"I think it's real!" Michael says, voice full of hope. 

Sensing the need for this to be legit within the group, Calum bites his lip and nods his head. "We should go to Ashton's after school and show him. He'll know if it's real. He'll know what to do."

Luke agrees with him, nodding his head. Ashton will know how to handle this. "I mean, we'll go there to show him, regardless. He's in the band." He takes a bit of the pasta he abandoned at Luke's arrival, not swallowing before continuing, "I think it's real though. I think we're going on _tour_." Luke's trying not to be too excited, but Michael's so confident and he can't help but to be influenced by it. He grins at both of them. The end of the day can't come fast enough, they need to talk to Ashton ASAP. 

  
  
  


_May 17_

If everything is as it seems, Ashton might actually be able to get out of Sydney before he's twenty. He was hoping for eighteen, but with July just around the corner, he can't see anything happening that quickly, so twenty is much more doable. 

And much smoother than he originally thought. 

They're all at Luke's house gathered around the kitchen table, listening as Liz goes over what might just be their big break. Yesterday, Michael, Calum, and Luke had all come over to Ashton's house and showed him the email. He'd been just as unsure as they were about the validity of the offer. He had his fingers crossed that us was real, but he has absolutely zero knowledge about the business side of music at this point in his life. All he knows is that touring bars in Sydney isn't the height of luxury, despite how he once thought it would be. 

Liz took the initiative to look over the email and call the executive that had sent it, and she verified that it is, in fact, legit. She's taking the time to explain everything to them, but Ashton doesn't care about the specifics. If they work hard and stay dedicated, there's no way to fuck this up. Michael looks starry-eyed at the prospect of everything in front of them, Luke looks a little overwhelmed, and Calum's practically vibrating in his seat. They're a misfit, ragtag bunch, but things are looking up. 

"- and a camera crew is coming to record on the 19th, they'll also be bringing along some songwriters to help you come up with a new original song for the, ah, EP you'll be writing…" Liz is reading off of a yellow legal pad. She took notes when speaking to the executive, and probably doesn't even know what an EP is, but everything is making sense and creating a buzz between the boys. 

"The nineteenth??" Luke's skin is a sickly white, and he looks moments away from dry heaving onto the very table they're sitting at. "That's in two days!! What the fu- heck!" Ashton holds in a laugh. Lately, Luke's come out of his shell a bit and has taken up swearing when they're alone, but he'd never be okay with doing it in front of his mom. 

Looking over his slip up, Liz nods. "They said the label understands having an EP out so soon isn’t very realistic but that they want to get you exposure as soon as possible, so they're getting the rights to a few songs of your choosing so you can record covers." 

"Fucking _sick,_ " Michael yells, hands clapping in front of him. "Oh my god." Liz gives him a look and Michael apologizes, "Sorry, Liz," before laughing and erasing that progress. "But holy _shit._ Guys, we have to do Gotta Get Out for the video, that's our best original by far." 

He's right, Ashton thinks. It's become his favorite song to play, and the lyrics are genius. He'd obsess over it a lot more if it wasn't Calum that wrote it. Part of Ashton is bitter because he's not as devoted to the music as the other three, but he's somehow the best with writing it. Despite his feelings, Ashton nods, knowing it's best for the band. "Yeah, we have to. Cal did an amazing job writing that one, I think we need to show it off." 

It's kind of a peace offering of sorts, and it seems well received when Calum looks at him across the table, face red and eyes crinkled shut in happiness, his round cheeks full. 

From there, it's agreed, and the other three boys start talking excitedly about what covers they want to do. Ashton watches them all, grinning. This could really be it, all his dreams laid out in front of him and three people who are quickly becoming his best friends to share it with. It doesn't get any better than this. 

  
  
  


_May 22_

The release of the _Gotta Get Out_ acoustic goes incredibly. It's received way better than they had any hope for, and it looks _professional_ and _polished_ and some other 'P' word that Michael's too fucking overwhelmed to think of. They're well on their way to becoming a real pop punk band together, and nothing can bring them down. 

"It has so many views!" Luke's face is a ghostly white in his surprise, and Michael thinks he's never looked better. He should always look this excited and unsure. "And comments, did you read the comments? One of them said we were their favorite band." There are stars in his eyes, he's amazed by the response, and it _is_ amazing. Michael can barely believe it. The only proof that it's real life is just how perfect Luke is - people would and _should_ love everything he does. 

"We _doubled_ our subscribers, guys," Calum laughs. "Doubled them. That's insane."

Luke's eyes go wide suddenly, glassy as he looks into the distance. "How many people do you think will be at the shows? Two hundred? A thousand? _Ten thousand??_ " He claps his hand over his mouth in shock of the number he just came up with out of thin air, and Michael sighs at how cute he is. There's nobody on Earth that makes Michael simultaneously want to cuddle them, kiss them, and hit them at the same time. It's infuriatingly charming of him. 

"Honestly, I'm not sure how big the venues are," Michael pitches in. He figures he can't spend the rest of forever staring at Luke - no matter how much he wants to - and should probably join their discussion. "Maybe Ashton remembers. I can text him?" 

" _Or,_ " Calum sings. "I could just call him right now." It's so completely unsubtle, and Michael smirks at his eagerness while Calum ignores him and flips through his contacts, finding Ashton's and hitting speaker while he calls. 

The other end rings a few times before it's picked up. " _Hello_ ?" His voice is just a whisper. " _Calum_?"

"Hiiiii!"

" _What do you want_?" He bites, clearly irritated on the other end. 

Calum grins and leans closer to the phone, resting his chin on his palm. "Oh! We- Michael and Luke are here too- were just wondering if you remembered the venue sizes. Like how many people will be at each show?" 

" _What_ ?" Ashton snaps. " _No, I don't know. I don't remember. I have to go, I'm in class, God, Calum_." He's clearly annoyed, not waiting for a response before hanging up. 

Calum just smiles and shakes his head knowingly. "Ah, the games we play, Ashton Irwin." Only, his lisp comes out as he speaks, and next to Michael, Luke starts giggling. 

"Athtin Irwin." 

Calum sticks his chin in the air defiantly. "I said what I said." 

  
  
  


_May 26_

It's not a date, Calum's very aware of this, but sitting up front in Ashton's car as he drives them to Sydney for the very first show of their tour makes him wonder if maybe this is what one would be like. Without Luke passed out in the backseat trying to get over his car sickness, and Michael's incessant pestering about being bored as he squeezes his head through the center console, it could actually pass as one. There's Green Day blasting through the speakers as Ashton drums on the wheel and Calum just stares at the side of his face. This is definitely is a test run for their future together. 

The moment gets ruined when Michael shoves his face forward and asks, "How much longer?"

"Like an hour?" Ashton answers, unsure, clearly not as annoyed with Michael interrupting their alone time as Calum's getting. "I think." 

Michael sighs, not satisfied with the answer and starts to poke Calum in the back of the neck. "Calbert?" 

" _Hmm_?"

"When we’re famous we should get matching dogs," he proposes, actually piquing Calum's interest at the prospect. "Dress them up in little sweaters and stuff and walk them around LA in tracksuits." 

"I’m down," he agrees, already thinking about the yellow sweater he'd get for his puppy. 

Ashton snorts, and Michael narrows his eyes, practically breaking his neck when he turns to glare. "Don’t snort at my future dog." 

"I wouldn’t dream of it," Ashton deadpans. Calum holds back a laugh not to offend Michael, but it's hard when everything Ashton does is comedic gold. "I will say, though. Swallow the Goldfish did a bar tour around Sydney for a month and we didn’t make it big." He pauses for a moment before his head tilts and he's continuing, "Or I guess make it at all. I wouldn’t start planning for LA quite yet." 

"Psh, yeah, but that was a _funk_ band," Michael says. 

Calum doesn't think he's ever seen Ashton look as offended as he does with Michael's insult. "All I’m saying is, it only takes one weak link to break up a band before it can take off. We all have to stay focused and not take this for granted." 

Michael leans back in the backseat and rests his head on a sleeping Luke’s shoulder. "This is all I want," he mumbles. "I could never take it for granted." 

For a moment, Calum doesn't think anything of Ashton’s words, assumes it was a broad statement reminding them to stay humble, but when Ashton peeks at Calum one time too many, he begins to understand it wasn't for anybody's benefit but his. It's a dig at him about football camp. Even though he's already told them he's done with the sport, that he's here for the band one-hundred percent, Ashton doesn't trust him. 

"I’m all in," he says, keeping his voice low and words sharp as he stares at the side of Ashton's face. "Promise." He must sound as certain as he was trying for because Ashton smiles as he glances over, releasing a breath Calum didn't know he was holding. 

"All I’m saying is, if this goes well, we could be doing this for the rest of our lives,” Ashton says seriously. 

Michael, of course, ruins the moment by piping up from the backseat, voice carrying as his head lolls on Luke's shoulder. "And I want a dog in a sweater." 

  
  
  


_June 6_

They're not famous yet, which is a total bummer, in Calum's opinion, but they're doing better as a band. He and Luke had a sitdown session with some writers and were halfway through an awesome song that he thinks they're going to name _Unpredictable_. It's really catchy, but they're having trouble writing a bridge for it. Calum's been working on it everyday, but nothing sounds right yet. It's been long enough that he thinks he'll be onto something soon. 

On top of that, their three show tour went incredibly well. They had full rooms of people and most actually knew the words to _Gotta Get Out_. It was incredibly surreal to hear back the words he wrote less than a year ago. Sure, they hadn't blown up the way Calum had hoped, but the three performances - the driving, the flying, the train - it cemented in his mind that all he wanted to do was play music with these three guys for the rest of his life. Forever. 

He's not a superstar yet, though, so he still has chores. Which is what he's doing in his parents kitchen - washing dishes as his dad dries them in companionable silence. It's how they usually do things, but Calum can’t help but notice that his dad is much more tense than he usually is during their cleaning time. 

"Hey, bud." 

"Yeah?"

"You trying out for football next season?" His dad asks. At the sudden question as Calum's passing the last dish to his dad, he looks over. He starts chewing on his lip, knowing his impending answer of no probably won't be received well. "Even though you left camp early, I talked to your coach and he thinks you’ve still got a good shot at going pro." Calum stays quiet, doesn’t quite know how to say it. David sighs. "Calum?" 

"I, um," Calum chokes out. "I don’t think so, dad." 

"You don’t think so?" 

Taking a deep breath, Calum comes clean. "I want to focus on the band right now, dad. And I know you and mom don’t think it’s as good a career choice, I know that, and I know you couldn’t make it to any of the shows, but _dad_ , if you were there you would have seen, people really like us! We could really be successful. I don’t want to miss out on that." 

"Miss out on that?" His dad repeats, distaste dripping from his tongue. "What, some kid garage band phase you’re going through? Jesus Christ, Calum, you’re throwing away your future for this, you didn’t even care about music until a few years ago. You’ve been playing football forever!"

It stings, to hear his dad disregarding something he's passionate about. Some people don't start music until they're in their thirties, their forties, their fifties. Oprah got fired when she was twenty-three, and Lebron James didn't make his high school basketball team. Calum has a million examples of people who didn't realize they could do something until after they were deemed 'age appropriate' but there's so much disappointment in his dad's ignorance to Calum's wants that he lets his anger speak for him. "So? This is what I want to do, and I’m good at it. You’d know that if you bothered to show up." 

David is quiet for a second and then he steels himself. Calum holds his breath until his dad says, "I don’t want you in that band anymore," and it all gets forced out of him. 

" _What_?" 

"You heard me." 

Looking around for an explanation or an escape, Calum falters. "You can’t do that." 

David shrugs, his face void of any emotion. "I can give you a choice." He take’s Calum’s arm and pulls him into the living room where there’s a suitcase full of his clothes packed. Both of their hands are a little wet from the dishes, but his grip is strong. "You either leave that band or you leave my house."

Calum looks at him incredulously, and looks behind him to where Joy is standing now, watching the scene. He can tell by how she’s watching that she’s not worried. The suitcase is a scare tactic meant to freak him out and do what his dad says. But in that moment, he’s upset at them both, at the onslaught of this ultimatum, and he takes the handle of the suitcase, starting for the door. 

"Calum Thomas," his dad's voice booms, echoing off the bare walls of the entryway. "I swear, if you step outside that door - "

"You’ll what?" Calum yells back, voice breaking with the tears he's fighting against. "Kick me onto the street _again?_ " 

"We just want what’s best for you." 

He shakes his head at his dad’s reprimanding expression, not wanting to hear a word he says. "I’m going, now. Thanks for the support, guys. Means a whole fucking lot." He opens the door and leaves, slamming it behind him. He hears his mom call out his name as he's walking down the steps, but he doesn’t look back, just starts walking the familiar path to Michael’s house. He’s probably never been this upset with his parents in his life, and it hurts that they don’t believe he’s good enough for this. 

He has a lot to think about on his two mile walk. 

  
  
  


_June 6_

Just as Michael's heavy eyes are winning a battle against his mind wanting to stay awake, his phone vibrates loudly on the oak of his nightstand. It takes effort to wake his limbs up enough to reach his phone, and it's even worse for his straining eyes to make out the blurry words of the text. And even when they do, Michael wonders if he's dreaming because this can't be right… 

**_11:47 - Cal:_ ** _can u come open the door? im outside_

With a frown on his face and a stumble in his movements, Michael gets out of bed and makes his way to the front door, grumpy and exhausted, still not sure anything is actually real. It takes a few attempts to unlock the door and open it in his sleepy haze, but when he does, he's greeted with the sight of his best friend on the door, suitcase in his hand, tears staining his flushed cheeks. 

"Cal?" 

At the sound of the trepidation in Michael's voice, Calum immediately burst into tears, collapsing into Michael's arms. Michael allows the hug to happen, tightening his hold on his friend's body as he makes hushing noises to calm him down. If he weren't so tired, still a little out of it, he thinks he'd be terrified at the display. 

Through sniffles and gasping breaths of air, Calum asks, "C-can I stay with you? For a little?"

"Course you can," Michael agrees, not knowing why or even caring. His best friend needs him. "For as long as you want." 

He grabs the suitcase and hauls it into his room, hand in Calum's as they head to Michael's room. Calum's sniffling the entire way up the stairs, wiping his nose as he climbs in the bed, Michael following right behind him. 

"C'mere," he says, and Calum snuggles into him, still crying softly. He tells Michael everything that happened to lead him here, clutching onto his shirt and sobbing into his chest. Michael listens, absolutely heartbroken for him. He never thought Joy and David would have it in their hearts to do this. He's angry on Calum’s behalf, and he's going to work twice as hard to rub it in their faces that Calum is talented and deserves their support. 

He's a star and they won't put out his light. 

  
  
  


_June 16_

"Um. Hi?" 

The sight before Luke is confusing and upsetting. He’d called Ashton this morning with the best news in the world, and Ashton immediately picked him up to drive him to Michael's. They were going to head to Calum's afterwards, but after bursting through the unlocked front door and rushing up the stairs, it's clear they won't have to. Because Calum's right in front of them as well, underneath Michael, cuddled against him like a little spoon. 

When Michael starts to wake up, starting by slowly opening one eye, he notices Luke and Ashton staring from the doorway and sits up, hand flying to smooth out his hair. Luke wants to laugh at the need to look good when it's just them, but it's clear that Michael and Calum had a sleepover without inviting Luke, and he's more than a bit upset at the idea of that. 

"What?" Michael rasps, eyes half-closed as he stares at Luke. "What are you doing here?" At his voice, Calum starts to stir next to Michael, stretching and smacking his lips. He looks content, like he had a good night’s sleep. At Michael's. While Luke was alone at home without them. 

Ashton doesn't seem too happy at the thought, either. He crosses his arms over his chest with a frown on his lips. "Well, we had some news for you." He gestures to Calum, who’s fluttering his eyes open gently. "But it looks like you might have some news, too." Calum opens his eyes immediately when he hears Ashton’s voice, and Luke watches his face go red as he pulls a Michael and brings his hand to his hair, trying to fix it.

"Hi, Ashton." 

"Hi to you, too," Luke says back when he goes unacknowledged and Ashton continues his glaring at the duo. That is, until Ashton's gaze starts to drift, Luke following it to an open suitcase full of close next to Michael's bed. "Calum?" Luke asks. "Why is your suitcase here?" Usually he has a plastic bag from Cole’s filled with clothes during their sleepovers. "Are you staying here?"

Calum bites his lip and looks between the three of them. Michael's avoiding their eyes completely until Calum timidly admits, "I wasn’t gonna say anything, I didn’t um. I didn’t want to seem like I was making a big deal out of it. I’m sure I’ll be going home soon." 

Though his arms are still crossed, tension slowly starts to bleed out of Ashton's body as he realizes something Luke hasn't clued in on yet. "Making a big deal out of what?"

Calum looks at Ashton and he looks embarrassed, eyes pleading for something unreadable. In the end, it's Michael that speaks up. "His parents kicked him out because of the band. They didn’t want him to play and he didn’t want to leave us so they kicked him out of their house."

The news hits Luke hard, the idea that Calum's parents, who have been nothing but supportive regarding everything in his life, kicked him out of his home. All he has with him is his suitcase, nothing else. Luke's absolutely floored at the prospect. He doesn't think there's anything on Earth he could do that would make his parents kick him out - that would make him question the support that they claim is unconditional. 

It may shock Luke, but it looks like just what Ashton was thinking because his arms drop completely and he's going to the bed to throw them around Calum's shoulders, and Calum sinks into it with a sad smile, ignorant to the pain on Ashton's face. Luke thinks he must be in his head going over how hard he was on Calum, how he questioned his dedication to the band. There's nothing more dedicated than putting the music over your family - Luke doesn't know if he'd have the balls to do that. 

"I’m sorry, Cal," Ashton whispers as he pulls away, but everyone is watching, everyone can hear. He keeps one arm wrapped around Calum as hit sits on the bed. 

Calum shrugs a little, face not showing any of the hurt Luke would be feeling if it were him. "It’s okay. I mean, it’s not, but. I’m just glad I have you guys." He looks around at the three of them. "Home is where the heart is, right?"

"Cheeseball," Michael mocks him, bumping into his side despite the pleased smile on his face. 

"Am not a cheeseball." 

"Are too," he fights. "That’s why I secretly hate you. You know I have trouble with dairy." 

"Why do you eat so much pizza, then?" Ashton asks.

Michael faces him, nose turned up at him. "Why do you stick your nose in other people’s business?" There's a weird edge to his voice that feels too friendly, but then Ashton flips him off, and Michael sticks his tongue out, and then Luke cant hold it in anymore. 

"Cal?" Luke asks, suddenly remembering the very awesome, amazing, astounding news his mom gave him this morning. Calum hums, snuggling deeper into Ashton, who’s rubbing him arm comfortingly. "Would it make you feel better if I told you we were going on tour again?"

" _Heyyy!_ " Ashton whines over the sound of Michael and Calum's gasps. "You said I could tell them!"

"You were busy." Luke rolls his eyes. "I thought maybe you forgot." 

"Of course I didn’t forget, you egg! It was a sensitive moment, I was waiting until - "

" _Excuse me?_ " Michael interrupts, his face ashen and eyes bulging. "Tour?" 

Luke grins at him, feeling an odd twist in his gut at having the attention on him. " _Tour!"_

"What the fuck!" Michael shouts back. "Why didn’t you lead with that when you came in?"

"Because Calum was homeless!" 

Ashton snorts a laugh, but his hand stays around Calum's shoulder, palm still soothing against his bicep. Calum doesn't acknowledge it, just furrows his brow. "And? Tell us what’s going on!"

"Okay, we’re going on another tour," Ashton says before Luke can open his mouth. "A longer one. They want us to get back out there."

"Oh my god. Oh my _god,_ " Michael's chanting under his breath. Luke feels his smile get even bigger. 

"I _know._ " 

Michael gets out of bed and launches himself at Luke, knocking him to the ground and squeezing him tight, squealing in excitement. Luke giggles, any weird jealousy he had from the idea of Calum and Michael's sleepover before is gone. It was just because he didn’t want to be excluded from the friendship, that’s all. Now, with Michael pressing him into the ground with anticipation for this journey they're going on together, he feels nothing but content. 

  
  
  


_July 28_

The parallels between the very first show together at the Annandale and the first show of their Twenty-Twelve Tour are incredible. Ashton's known these guys for almost eight months now, and nothing in their dynamics has changed. 

In the corner of their make-shift green room, Calum's fiddling with his bass. He's gotten much better at it since he first picked one up, but of course he still needs to practice. There's an undeserved confidence around him that still shocks Ashton to this day. Across from Calum, Luke's dry heaving into the wastebasket and Michael's looking after him, hand rubbing circles into the center of his back, whispering encouragements into his ear. They're a predictable bunch, but Ashton loves that about them. 

The only real differences between now and they're beginning are that Ashton's a _real_ member of the band, and they're way better now. That's not all Ashton's doing, but he takes credit for pushing them to do better than they were. Now, they're signed, they have their own songs, and Ashton knows for sure that they're all one-hundred perfect committed to the music. His wonder about Calum's determination has completely disappeared. Ashton didn't understand how strict his parents were, didn't know that Calum was risking everything just to be their bassist. 

Even with the nerves shaking the room, Michael's been particularly quiet today, and Ashton wants to check in on him before they play, just to see where he stands, if he wants to talk about anything. He clears his throat. "Hey, Mike?" 

Michael looks up at the sound of his name, but he keeps one hand on Luke. "What’s up?"

"Can I talk to you for a sec?" 

"Yeah, uh." He looks around, seeming hesitant to give Luke even the slightest bit of space. His eyes land in the corner and he's asking, "Calum? Could you take over for me here?" 

Calum looks up from his bass, sympathetic frown forming when he sees how sick Luke looks, still not able to puke anything up despite his stomach clearly wanting him to. "Totally." As Michael steps back, Calum sets his instrument down and walks over, rubbing Luke’s back soothingly. "Hey, Lukey. Get it all out, you’re fine. Real rockstars puke up their breakfast before every show, I read it in Rolling Stone…" 

Leaving them to their wastebasket full of nothing, Ashton pulls Michael out of earshot. "Are you feeling okay, Michael?" Michael shrugs and glances over to the corner.

"Better than Luke, I’d say." He laughs as he says it, but he still looks concerned. Ashton lets himself spare a thought to just how cute the pout on his face is. 

"That’s true." Ashton nods, stepping in closer, letting his hand rest on Michael's shoulder. "Do you ever get nervous before shows?" 

"Not like Luke," Michael denies, shaking his head as he looks across the room. "He gets more nervous than anyone I know. I hope it’ll start to get easier for him soon. Cause he’s so talented, you know? He really has nothing to worry about, everyone loves him." 

"Everyone loves you, too." 

Michael nods distractingly, but it’s clear he’s only thinking about Luke right now, so Ashton decides to end the conversation, to say what he originally wanted to, before Michael tunes him out completely. "Hey, um, last thing. I just wanted to say thank you." Michael cocks his head to the side looking confused. "For letting me be in the band. I feel really lucky."

"We’re lucky to have you. You make us better, Ash." Michael grins at Ashton, and it sits pleasantly in Ashton's chest, making him smile back. "But really, you should thank Calum. He was the first one to ask if you could be permanent." 

Ashton raises his eyebrows. He was barely nice to Calum in the beginning, this is a tiny bit surprising. Then again, Calum never really seemed to mind much. He looks over to where Calum’s comforting Luke. He’s giving him all his attention and saying soothing words to him, rubbing his back and clearly trying to crack a few jokes to get Luke to loosen up. He really does have a good heart, and Ashton feels even guiltier for the way he treated him before. He turns to tell Michael this, but he’s already walking back to Luke, and Ashton's left more confused than ever. 

  
  
  


_September 3_

“ - Grumpy, Sleepy, Happy. That’s it, that’s seven.” 

Michael’s already shaking his head before Ashton finishes speaking. There aren’t many things in this world that Michael knows with absolute certainty, but small Disney trivia like this is his shit. Ashton only named six of the seven dwarves from Snow White, and Michael’s ready to put him in his place. 

They’re all in Ashton’s garage waiting for Luke to get here so they can start rehearsing a song Luke and Calum just finished writing, but he’s late. In the meantime, they’re making a fantasy bracket for the dwarves, debating who would win in a fight. Michael’s money is on Sneezy - due to the core strength he’s developed throughout a lifetime of sneezing - but they’ll never see that as an end result unless Ashton gets his facts straight. 

“No, it’s not.” Calum’s shaking his head as he speaks, scribbling down on the large drawing pad they found in a box in the garage. “I counted. You left one out.” 

“ His name is Doc,” Michael corrects, feeling like he might be getting too worked up about this.

“No, it’s Dopey.” 

Clenching his toes to keep from standing up and yelling at his best friend, Michael takes a deep breath. “He said that one. You left out the one with the monocle. Doc.” 

“We’re leaving him out,” Ashton waves his hands, completely glossing over the fact that he forgot to name him at all. “We need an even number to make the brackets, and he’s old and weak.” 

Michael bites his lip against saying something and nods. He figures it’s better to play along than let himself lose his cool - he’ll save that for the video games. “Okay, I think we should put Sleepy and Dopey together, just to be fair. Give Dopey a fighting chance.” Calum nods, tongue between his teeth in concentration as he writes on the pad. “Then I think Happy and Bashf - ”

“STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING!” 

They all startle at Luke’s sudden arrival, slamming through the side door, a manic grin on his pretty face. 

“Luke, good!” Ashton claps, sitting up on his drum stool. “This is important, do you think Grumpy the dwarf could reasonably win in a fight against Sneezy?” 

“I mean yeah,” Luke nods, nose scrunched in confusion, suddenly still at the dilemma he’s been presented with. “That’s a pretty bad pairing, I’d probably put him with - wait, no!” He shakes his head as he realizes he had something to say. “I have news! I have the biggest news ever!” 

“Okay?” Calum nods, eyes still focused on the bracket he’s drawing. 

“My mom got a call from this guy who works with…” He trails off, noticing nobody except for Michael is paying attention to him. “Guys! Look at me!” Calum and Ashton both look up with matching bored faces. “A guy who works with _Hot Chelle Rae_.” 

Nobody moves, except for Luke who’s dancing in place. Michael doesn’t think he heard Luke correctly at first. There’s no fucking way an _actual_ band got in contact with them. Especially not ones as big as Hot Chelle Rae. They’re musical giants - Michael hears _Tonight, Tonight_ every time he turns on the radio. “No way.” 

“ _Yes_ way,” Luke insists. “Guys, they want us to open for them. On tour. They want us to open for Hot Chelle Rae.” Luke’s animated as he jumps around the cluttered garage, but Michael doesn’t trust him. It has to be a prank, there’s no possible way. “It’s 6 shows, one month long. At the end of October. That still gives us a few weeks to record the EP.” 

Michael looks over at Calum, who’s dwarf bracket has been completely forgotten about in his lap, jaw dropped and thick eyebrows furrowed as he turns to Ashton. Ashton’s the least trusting of all of them, the most intuitive with this stuff, so his reaction is going to mean everything. 

“This is fucking _mental_.”

“I know!” Luke yells back, giddy as he jumps in place. 

Michael feels himself start to get excited when he notices that Ashton’s surprise isn’t disbelief, it’s anticipation. “No, this is literally crazy, this is all happening so fast. How is this happening?” 

“I don’t know!” It’s the exact opposite answer he just gave, but Luke remains as happy. 

Needing the confirmation, Michael feels himself saying, “We’re doing it,” but he’s numb. He’s not making a decision with his words but confirming that this isn’t all a joke. 

“We’re doing it!” Luke confirms. It looks like he’s going to start jumping again, but his face suddenly gets somber as he turns his attention to the band. “And I know you’re all worried about school, but my mom is coming too so it’ll be fine, she can help us keep up with classes.” They all share a look, verifying between each other that they definitely weren’t worried about school at all. “Are your parents going to be okay with it?” 

Ashton’s the first to answer, nodding easily. “Yeah, my mom was fine with the Goldfish tour, she’ll be fine with this.” 

“Yeah, of course,” Michael agrees as well. He says it confidently, but his fingers are crossed in his hoodie sleeve, hoping that they’ll be cool about this. 

There’s just a small problem, an elephant in the room. They all turn to look at Calum. When he notices their eyes on him, he automatically says, “Yes.” 

“Your parents just let you back in the house…” Michael says hesitantly. They don’t talk about his situation often, but he was only just let back in. 

“And they can kick me right out again,” he says, sticking his chin out definitely. “But, I feel like they won’t. I think this’ll show them I’m a serious musician.” 

At his courage, Ashton throws an arm around his shoulder, and Calum’s tan face turns a deep red. “Guys,” Ashton grins. “A real tour. With a famous band. Holy shit.” 

“Holy _shit._ ” Michael repeats before the concrete room is echoing with their shouts of excitement. 

  
  
  


_October 22_

As they wait to go onstage for their first show of an _actual_ tour, Calum lets his mind wander. None of their shows have ever had as many people as this one, he’s certain. They have an _actual_ green room with chairs and walls and a _door_. It’s incredible, and if Calum weren’t aware of how stupid it would make him sound, he’d be yelling about how this is the height of luxury. There's no doubt he's writing about it in his journal tonight, getting the words out where nobody can make fun of him. 

They’re waiting to get called onstage, trying to pass the time with small games. They played a bit of Would You Rather, and even did a couple of guessing games, but they’re running out of ideas. It wouldn’t normally be such a bad thing, but Calum knows if they let the silence sit for too long, Luke would quickly be in the corner, romancing the wastebin. 

“What are we gonna put on our backstage rider?” Michael asks suddenly. “For future shows?”

“What’s that?” Luke asks, face not yet the clammy pale it gets when he’s about to gag. 

“You know, like a list of weird demands musicians have for their dressing rooms,” Michael begins explaining. “Like how Paul McCartney needs to have a whole forest in his. Or Van Halen needs a bowl of M&Ms with no brown ones.” 

Luke hums and they all start to think about what would go on their riders. Luke’s the first one to answer, a small sweet grin on his lips. “I’m gonna ask for s’mores,” he decides. “And lots of blankets.” 

“I think I’m gonna be a candle guy,” Ashton says. “You know, like ‘if this room doesn’t smell like ocean breeze, I’m walking’.” 

Calum giggles at the thought of Ashton leaving the room because the candle wasn’t right as he thinks of his own idea. “I’m asking for at least twelve puppies,” he settles on. “I want to lie on the floor while they walk all over me. That’s what I want.” 

“You’re already like a puppy,” Ashton tells him, eyes rolling with it. “That’s redundant”

It makes Calum sway a bit in his seat. Ashton thinks he’s cute like a puppy - and, okay, that’s not _exactly_ what he said, but it’s implied because puppies are cute, and Calum’s already begun to melt. He cuddles into Ashton a little on the couch and looks up at him adoringly. Ashton feels a little tense, and Calum frowns. Looking over, Michael and Luke also look nervous, and Luke’s complexion is losing color. 

“You guys,” Calum speaks up, voice shaking a bit. He’s not afraid to play on stage, but he’s afraid they all might let themselves get too lost in their head. “This is gonna be great. Aren’t you excited?” 

“Excited, yeah,” Michael agrees, “but nervous, too.” 

“Really nervous…” 

Michael doesn’t seem to be able to sense tone, Calum suddenly realizes, because he completely disregards Luke’s comment and starts to stress more. “Plus, they’re filming us for our channel. What if I mess up? What if I fall off stage?” 

Calum rolls his eyes. “You won’t fall off the stage.” 

It’s not the reassurance he needed, and he looks up at Calum with eyes full of fear. Calum takes it as his responsibility to bring everyone out of their anxious funk. He gets up and goes over to the speaker, plugging his iPod into the speaker and shuffling through it. He searches for a perfect song, and laughs when _Rockstar_ by Nickelback starts playing. He does air guitar and sings along in a poor impression of Chad Kroeger. 

It’s not long before the others start joining in one by one, and soon they’re jamming out in their green room, having fun like only four teenage boys can. Calum knows that the only things he’ll really need on his rider are speakers and his three best friends

  
  
  


_November 28_

“Are you still refreshing the _Out of My Limit_ video?” Michael asks, and Ashton resists rolling his eyes. 

He’s lying on his bedroom floor, laptop in front of him, and -alright, yes - he keeps clicking refresh on their music video. He can’t help it, the views just keep going up. Every time he presses F5, the numbers climb. 

“It has so many views,” Ashton defends his behavior. “It’s doing so well.” 

“It’s crazy,” Michael laughs. “That’s not even our best song.” Ashton peeks his head up to look at Calum and Luke’s reactions, and smiles when he sees them both pouting. Michael stutters to rectify his insult. “I mean, it’s still really, really good.” 

It’s a lie, Ashton knows that for certain. Michael _hates_ the song. He told Ashton the other day when they were walking home that it was “stupid and simple and _bad_ ”. But Luke smiles at Michael, believing him easily. 

“Anyways,” Ashton picks up, not able to take Michael’s guilty smile any longer. “It’s good enough for the label to offer us a writing trip outside of this tiny town. I still can’t believe we’re finally getting out of here.”

“To where, though?” Luke asks. “They didn’t even specify.” 

That’s exactly what Ashton was thinking about. As they were getting offstage after their last show of their tour with Hot Chelle Rae, they got news from their label that they wanted to get them started on writing an actual _album_ , and that they wanted to get them out of their parents’ houses for a bit - to live and get the experience real music needs behind it. 

The guys hadn’t talked it out as a band yet, but Ashton had a few wild ideas in his head, and he wanted to run them by everyone. Bringing them up was going to be difficult, though, especially knowing how much of a family person Luke is, knowing how strict Calum’s parents are, and knowing that Michael would never do anything without the other two right alongside him. 

“We could get our own place in Sydney,” Calum offers. The guys look thrilled at the idea, but Ashton bites back a groan. He wants _out_ of Sydney, not trapped inside of it. 

“That would be so sick,” Michael voices the exact opposite of Ashton’s thoughts. “Just the four of us living together in the city, writing music.” He falls backwards onto the floor, imagining the possibilities. In his head, they’re probably endless, but Ashton needs them to agree with him, to want to get out as badly as he does. 

“We could go further.”

It doesn’t get the excitement Sydney got, but Luke tilts his head in confusion like he’s thinking about it. “What do you mean?” 

“Like out of New South Wales?” Michael asks, sitting up, his sweet green eyes lighting up as he considers it. “Like to Melbourne?” 

“I mean, like…” He’s sick of beating around the bush, so he steels himself and goes for it. “Most top charting music isn’t written and produced here. I was thinking maybe… if you all agree, of course, we could ask to go to London.” 

“ _London?”_

“Think about it,” Ashton rushes out, cutting off Luke’s choked reaction. “We have fans there since One Direction gave us that promo. And it would be an adventure. I want to _travel._ Why not London?” 

He holds his breath for something, for _anything_ , as the other three think about it. It’s Calum first that nods, and Ashton - yet again - regrets ever holding himself at a distance from him. He’s always down for anything, this isn’t an exception. “I’d go to London.” 

Luke scoffs, “You would.” Sensing something feuling the words, but not understanding what, Ashton furrows his brow at Luke. “I mean, I would too,” he fumbles. “Maybe. If we all went.”

“Nope, it would just be you, Luke,” Calum says sarcastically. “Get ready to be shipped off alone in an old wooden crate. Good luck.” Luke throws a pen at him, but it misses by a longshot and Calum laughs at him. 

“London…” It comes from Michael this time, who’s still staring into the distance. Ashton watches as he thinks, holding his breath. Finally, after Ashton’s about to suffocate from the tension and lack of air, Michael nods. “I’d go to London.” 

Ashton breathes out. Everything is coming together perfectly. 

  
  
  


_December 7_

Michael and Ashton are flirting. This time, Calum _knows_ it. It’s not like when Michael said Ashton was cute last year, it’s not like the Valentine’s Day video… this is flirting, and Calum’s going to scream. 

Their _Somewhere New_ EP dropped today, and they’re having a Launch Party at the Metro in Sydney. They were taken away from the celebration by some guy with a camera so they could record a video to give their fans an update on what the next few months hold for them, and since then, everything’s gone downhill. Michael keeps looking over at Ashton, stealing his attention _completely_ away from Calum. They got to sit next to each other, they shouldn’t get to flirt too, it’s unfair. Michael’s even wearing a beanie today too, which he _knows_ makes him look extra cute. 

Their arms are pressed together and Calum wants to die a little. 

As the video is finally coming to an end, after Ashton’s explained that they’ll be going to London, the start singing _I Am Australian_ by The Seekers, which Calum does _not_ participate in, thank you very much, and then the video is over. Even though during the last couple of seconds Ashton was looking over at Calum, his mood refuses to lift. 

They can’t go back to the party just yet, they’ll need some photos in a moment, so when Luke and Ashton start sparring with bendy straws from a box of refill supplies, Calum pulls Michael to the other side of the room, away from eavesdropping ears. “Can I ask you something?” 

Michael nods easily. “Yeah, ‘course.”

“Okay, I know like.” He pauses for a moment, eyes rolling at himself before he picks up again. “I know we kind of already talked about this? But I need to make sure because I feel like I’m picking up on something and I wanted to ask you before I go too crazy about it.” 

“Okay?” 

“Are you sure there’s nothing between you and Ashton?” he asks before he can talk himself out of it. 

Michael frowns, easygoing smile lost from his face. “What are you talking about?”

“It’s just…” Calum instantly feels stupid. Michael’s giving him an incredulous look, but he has to know before he starts making a fool of himself.”I notice the two of you flirting sometimes and I just wanted to know if you feel like maybe there’s something there. Like that you might like him.”

“You’re being stupid.,” Michael bites, eyes narrowed at the accusation. “You know I don’t like him like that, if I did I would tell you.” 

Calum wants to agree, but he _can’t_ , not after he spent the past five minutes watching Michael and Ashton giggle their way into each other’s pants. “I’m not being stupid!”

“Yes, you are! He acts the same with me as he does with everyone else!” 

“Even if that was true,” which it isn’t, Calum adds in his head, “ _you_ don’t act the same with him. If he has a crush on you, you’re leading him on. You’re acting like you do too.” 

Michael groans, head falling backwards. He looks like he’s about to start yelling, but he luckily keeps his voice down. “God, Calum, shut up, you’re getting way ahead of yourself. Neither of us like each other.” 

Feeling frustrated and not being able to get his feelings across, Calum falls to his last resort. “How would you feel if I went after Luke, huh? Should I start flirting with him?” 

“It wouldn’t fucking matter if you did!” He yells, making Calum jump. He looks over to see Ashton and Luke still in their war, not bothered by the yelling. Even so, Michael looks bashful at his outburst and gets quiet again. “He doesn’t like me, anyways.” 

Calum can feel how hurt he is, and he gets significantly less angry - as in, it leaves him completely. Michael doesn’t like Ashton. Michael likes _Luke_. Still. And nothing’s come of it.

“I’m sorry.” 

Michael sniffs, but doesn’t look Calum in the eye, keeping his gaze fixed on the wall. “Thanks.”

“No, I really am,” Calum insists. “I’m sorry Luke’s bad at this. I’m sorry you’re having to wait so long for him to, you know, wake up and smell the Michael.” 

“ _Ew.”_

“You know what I mean.” 

They both laugh for a second, but then Michael sighs. “Cal, I don’t know what to tell you. I’ve told you where I’m at with Ashton, you just gotta trust me at this point.”

“I know,” Calum agrees. He bites his lip against the thoughts of how close they looked during the filming of the video. “I do. I’ll try to put it out of my head.” 

Michael leans in and hugs him, Calum squeezing back even harder. “Love you, Cally.” 

“Love you more.” They both pull away from each other, but Calum grips Michael’s wrist as they slide past each other. “Hey, when we get to London, my second main priority after the band is getting you with Luke. It’s gonna happen soon, I know it. Maybe a change of scenery will help.”

They both look over wistfully at the two boys that have managed to take over their lives in the past year. Ashton won the straw battle and Luke is lying on the floor dramatically, pretending to bleed out. They’re incredible. 

“I hope so.” 

  
  
  


_December 13_

Flying is absolute bullshit, Luke has decided. It was over a full day on the plane, and Luke’s stomach has never been more unsettled. The only thing making it worth it, is that they have a few months here, and they don’t have to get back on that stupid fucking contraption for a long, long, long, long time. 

Even longer if Luke ends up dying, so… fingers crossed. 

The flat they’re staying in has two bedrooms, and at first Luke had wondered about the possibilities of a quad bunk bed, using the extra room for their instruments and video games, but he quickly crossed that idea off his list when he remembered that Calum talks in his sleep. 

He calls Michael as his roommate as soon as they walk in the door. Part of it was to give Calum space to be alone with Ashton, to give him a chance to hopefully make a move and stop pining, but it was mostly because Michael might secretly be his favorite person _ever_. Yeah, they had a rocky start, but it’s been two years, and now he can talk to Michael about anything and everything. Sharing a room is nothing when he loves every moment of them being together. 

It’s currently the afternoon in London, but back home it’s past midnight, and they’re all exhausted - jetlagged, as Calum called it - so they’re dragging their bags from the living room to their individual rooms so the can go to bed.

“Ow!” Calum yelps suddenly. Luke looks over, blinking his tired eyes at where Calum’s hopping a little. “Ashton, you ran over my toe with your suitcase wheel!” 

“Oops, sorry Cal,” Ashton apologizes behind a yawn. “Here, you go first.”

Calum raises his finger to his chin and taps it a few times, humming. “Hmm, I don’t know.” 

“What?” Ashton blinks once, looking lost. “Okay, I’ll go first.” 

“No, I mean I don’t know if I want to room with someone who might not be entirely committed to the band…” he trails off, starting to grin when he sees Ashton slowly catching on to the dramatics. “How am I to play bass with a broken toe, Ashton? You’ve sabotaged me. How am I to - ”

“Oh my god.” Ashton starts giggling, rushing past Calum into the room. Luke watches them, happy that they’ve let go of the animosity held before, that there’s trust there, holding them together. Truthfully, they get on sickeningly well. Like they were meant to know each other. 

Once Calum and Ashton are in their room, Luke gets moving again, pulling his bag into his own space. Michael’s already in there, sprawled out on his bed, looking cozy and only moments away from falling asleep. He holds his arms out for Luke, who snuggles in gratefully. He’s not great at asking for snuggles yet, but Michael always seems to know when he needs them. “You okay, Lukey?”

He sighs and fiddles with the zipper on Michael’s hoodie. His stomach is better, but it’s not back to where he’s comfortable yet. “Yeah. You?” He feels Michael nod, but he doesn’t say anything else, just pets Luke’s hair. “A little, um. A little scared.” 

“Yeah?”

“Yeah like.” He lets out a stuttering breath. “We’ve come all this way, we’re in _London._ What if we fail? What if this is all nothing and we go back home and get normal jobs and we never make it?”

“Well, then at least we tried,” Michael tells him. It doesn’t work to make Luke feel better, but then he’s continuing, “But, Luke. I don’t think you could fail if you tried. And I don’t just mean the band, I mean you, specifically. You’ve got to be the most talented person I know.” Luke shakes his head a little at the praise. “No, I’m serious. It’s one of the reasons I think we’re going to make it. I know we are. Because of you, Luke.” 

It hits Luke just a little too hard, the care in Michael’s words. He has to turn his head into Michael’s hoodie so that he doesn’t see the stupid grin on Luke’s face. Michael always knows what to say to make him feel better without even trying. Luke thinks that even though he’s miles and miles away from home, he knows he won’t ever be lonely if Michael’s here with him. 


	5. 2013

  


**2013**

_January 2_

  


“What the _fuck_?” Calum yells, dragging Luke’s attention from where he was talking with Ashton. He’s not sure what the drama is about, but then he sees Michael standing sheepishly in the doorway, and it all starts to make sense. 

Next to Luke, Ashton gasps at the now brown-haired Michael. “Oh my god, you actually did it.” 

There’s a small bit of jealousy in Luke’s chest that Michael’s clearly talked about doing something so big with someone that isn’t Luke. He’s not naive, he’s knows they’re all friends with each other, and they all have the right to talk about whatever they want, but Luke had confided in Michael just last week that he wanted to do something crazy like get a tattoo or pierce his tongue, so the fact that Michael didn’t tell him about dying his hair and went to Ashton instead… it hurts. 

Michael looks at Luke curiously before doing a small spin in place. “You’re being very quiet, Lukey,” he says with a small grin on his face. “It’s me, Michael. I know it might be confusing because before, when I was blond, I looked like Ryan Gosling. And now I look like Ryan Gosling with dark hair. But I promise it’s me.” Calum rolls his eyes and turns back to the bass in his lap, and Ashton laughs, but it gives Luke the motivation to find his voice. 

“It looks really good.”

And it _does_. Michael looked good with his natural hair too, but this is kind of badass. Michael’s always been more alternative than the rest of them, and the darker hair really adds some depth to him. 

“Really?” Despite the confident facade he put on earlier, Luke can tell that he’s not completely sold on it. He sounds like he needs reassurance. 

“Yeah, really.” Luke grins and it’s worth it when Michael smiles back. 

Throwing himself down onto the couch between Calum and Luke, Michael cuddles into Luke’s side. “Thanks! I thought it was time to get a little more edgy with my personal style. Since we’re adults now, living on our own and stuff. I even ordered a chain necklace online.” 

“I’m still technically your legal guardian,” Ashton butts in, smiling at where Michael’s wrapped around Luke upper body. 

“Which is why I have to be the edgy one,” Michael points out. He’s nodding along as he speaks, the back of his new hair hitting Luke’s exposed collarbone. It tickles, but he doesn’t want it to stop for some reason. “Legal guardians have no edge.” Ashton flips him off and Michael sticks out his tongue, but they’re both smiling. “ _Anywaaayys,”_ he flips his fringe out of his face. “How’s Heartbreak Girl coming along? Do I finally get to hear some of it?” 

When Michael looks up at Luke, there’s an eyelash on his cheekbone, so Luke reaches down and removes it, helping Michael make a wish with it. As Michael’s blowing the eyelash away, Calum answers the question Luke had forgotten was asked. “Luke and I met with Steve today, it’s going well.” 

“ _And_?” Michael presses. “Answer my question.” 

He’s whining a bit, and Luke giggles at his impatience. Ever since they mentioned the song to Michael, he’s been trying to get information out of them. They’d barely had any lyrics written for it before today, but their session earlier in the day was more than productive, and they’d actually managed to get some words on paper. 

“I’ll play you part of it,” Luke offers, knowing he’s said something right when Michael beams up at him.

“ _Finally_.” 

Luke gestures to his guitar and Michael gets up with a sigh, letting Luke pull it into his arms and begin to strum. He can feel everyone eyeing him with interest, and he misses a note, but he gathers himself and sings the short line Steve and Calum had come up with in the studio today, “ _When you gonna realize that I’m your cure, heartbreak girl_.” He continues playing, not knowing what words would come next, but still enjoying the easiness of the melody. 

When he looks up, Michael nose is scrunched up a bit and his lips are pursed. Despite not having even written the words, Luke feels nervous. “Um… Do you like it?” 

“I do!” Michael’s head bobs as he rushes to insist. “It’s really good, I like it a lot.” It’s not that Luke doesn’t believe him, it’s just that there’s something odd about his tone, like he’s thinking really hard about something. He sits for a moment before quietly asking, “Who’s it about?” 

“No one.” Luke’s shoulder rise with a shrug, and then he’s placing his guitar back against the couch. “We just thought it sounded good, lyrically. Being the cure for someone’s heartbreak. Cal wrote that line.” 

Michael turns to Calum for confirmation. “You did?” 

Calum nods, and Luke swears he sees him wink at Michael. Luke frowns and looks at Ashton for help, but Ashton seems just as confused. “You guys are weird. I’m making toast.” 

He gets up and walks toward the kitchen. He’s not even out of the room before Calum’s going after him, jumping at him and forcing Ashton to give him a piggyback ride, “Toast me! Toast me!” 

Luke and Michael watch them go, giggling at Calum. Michael shakes his head and looks back at Luke, a cautious smile on his face. 

“You promise you like my hair?” He asks, voice uncertain. 

“Love it,” Luke answers honestly. Michael’s returning smile is everything Luke needs to forget about the weird moment earlier, opening his arms for his friend to cuddle into. 

  
  
  


_January 10_

  


Never in a million years did Ashton think he’d meet someone as famous as James Bourne from _Busted_ , and yet here he is, heading home from the studio with Michael, after they’ve written nearly an entire song with him. There’s so much residual excitement between them that they’re skipping down the road. The studio is only two blocks from their flat, but waiting the usual ten minutes to get home isn’t something they can do. 

“That was so fucking cool.” It’s so cold outside that Michael’s cheeks are pinked and his breath is visible, but neither of them have the mind to pay attention to it. “James from _Busted,_ Ashton. Who are we? Like, who even are we?” 

“I know!” Ashton’s just as giddy as Michael, unable to keep still, jumping around because skipping isn’t enough for him. “And it’s a really good song, too. That ‘sick obsession’ line you wrote in? That was so killer. The boys are gonna love it.” At the compliment, Michael’s cheeks fill with even more color, and Ashton can’t stop the pride that fills him. Michael getting shy is one of his favorite things, it just makes him so much cuter than he already is, and Ashton being the driving force behind it is something he’ll never tire of. 

Michael looks down, shaking his head. “I just never actually thought I’d be doing this, you know? Writing music with an acclaimed songwriter? _Acclaimed,_ Ashton.” 

“Me neither!” They’re nearing the flat and Ashton can feel the anticipation of sharing their experience with Calum and Luke building in his bones. “I mean, I always dreamed I would but actually doing it?” He shakes his head in disbelief. 

“Well, they’d better like this song,” Michael says. Ashton thinks he might be trying to sound serious, but he’s giggling as he throws open the gate. “There’s something seriously wrong with them if they don’t.” 

With a laugh, Ashton follows Michael, both of their steps filled with energy as they race to the door, immediately heading into the living room where Calum and Luke are playing Xbox. Once they cross the threshold, Michael slows his steps dramatically, striding in casually, and Ashton has to hold himself together so he doesn’t giggle and ruin whatever act Michael’s putting on. 

When the door closes behind them, Luke looks over and pauses the game. Calum turns to him, a frown on his face, thick eyebrows furrowed. “Hey, you can’t pause it just when I’m about to beat you.” 

Not bothering to acknowledging Calum other than flipping him off, Luke turns around completely, facing Michael and Ashton. “ _So_ ? How was James from _Busted_?”

“A terrible man,” Ashton jokes, following Michael’s casual guise. “He stole my shoes and left me a penniless orphan.” Calum snickers to himself, and Ashton goes to sit next to him, poking his cheek while he does. Calum grins and Ashton’s finger sinks in with his dimple. It’s pretty adorable. 

“ _Amazing,_ ” Michael gushes, dropping his act instantly. He’s still clearly keyed up with energy, and he starts pacing the living room. “He was so cool. And we wrote almost an entire song with him.” 

“What? Called what? About what?” Calum sounds a little jealous, but mostly curious, and Ashton’s happy to finally have a one-up on him with songwriting. 

“It’s called Greenlight.” 

Luke turns to Ashton, face scrunched together. “You wrote a song about traffic signals?” 

“Shut up, Luke. It’s about _sex_ ,” Ashton says, shoving the younger boy with a teasing grin. 

He immediately blushes, head looking down, ears filling with red. “ _Oh_.” 

“Or like, kissing someone.” Michael butts in, and Ashton thinks it’s because he sees how quickly Luke shuts out of the conversation. He’s noticed how protective Michael can be of Luke, and he thinks it has to do with Luke getting bullied when they were in school. What else could it be about? “Anything, really. It’s just about asking someone if you can.” 

“I don’t get it,” Calum says. 

With a smirk, Ashton leans forward on the chair. “Like if I said ‘Hey, Michael. I want to kiss you. Give me the greenlight’.” He keeps eye contact with Michael, his tone edging on flirting, and Michael laughs. 

“Yeah, exactly,” he agrees, walking to the couch where they’re already crowding. He sits on the edge and wraps his arm around Luke. “Like ‘Luke, wanna go make out in our room? Give me the greenlight’.” 

It works to explain the song, but also to get Luke out of his discomfort. Soon they’re all giggling, and Calum even gets in on the game, leaning into Ashton’s side. “Haha, hey _Ashton_ , I wanna kiss you, give me the greenlight?” His lips pucker, and Ashton spares a thought to how soft they look, but he just chuckles and ruffles Calum’s hair. 

As the rest of them relax into the couch and Luke and Calum continue their game, Ashton's mind wanders to how much has changed in the past year. He’s glad he got over his irrational annoyance at Calum and that they’re becoming such good friends now. He knows he still needs to talk to him about how he acted last year, but every time he goes to say something, his pride gets in the way and stops him. It’s not a good excuse, he’s aware, but he’s having trouble making the effort for the conversation. 

He will, though. Sometime soon. 

He’s pulled back into the moment by Luke’s groan. He looks at the television screen and sees that Calum won their game of _Mario Kart_ , and Luke lost. Badly. “Luke, you suck.” 

“I’m uncoordinated, it’s not my fault,” Luke says, a pout on his face. 

Michael hugs him from his seat on the couch arm, glaring over. “It’s not his fault, Ashton.” 

“I’m just saying, you’re objectively terrible at this game,” Ashton starts, a grin on his face when he notices just how far Luke got before the other players finished. “Are you still on the first go around?” 

“Shut up, you can’t insult me. I didn’t give you the greenlight,” Luke says, but he’s smiling. It’s his first time trying to use it, and though it’s not for the context of which the song was written, it’s still funny, and he looks proud of it. 

Despite having had time to calm down, Ashton still feels restless. He stands up and wipes his palms on his trousers. “I need to take a walk. Anyone want to go get chips with me?” 

“I do!” Calum volunteers, stretching and jumping to his feet. He’s always down for anything, anytime, and Ashton’s glad to have someone as up-for-it as him in the band. “Let me just get my hat.” 

Calum ducks into their room for a minute, and Ashton looks at the way Micahel has melted into Luke, snuggling perfectly into his side. He looks content, and Ashton feels a little bit of envy at how easy they can fit together. He pushes it from his mind, remembering that as a band, they shouldn’t let feelings get in the way of things, and just because Michael’s Ashton’s usual type, it doesn’t mean he has to feel jealous of Luke. He can think Michael’s cute and not let things get weird. He can. 

When Calum’s ready, they both head towards the door. Michael yells out, “Bring us back some chips? Pretty please?” 

“Fine,” Ashton agrees without hesitation. Michael’s pretty impossible to say no to when he pouts. “Lazy ass.” Calum links his arm in Ashton’s, and they set off together, giggling as they try to make their way through the front door and down the stairs with their arms still intertwined. 

  
  
  


_January 18_

  


“Cal!” 

Calum’s head is clouded, his eyes are heavy, and he doesn’t know what’s happening. All he knows is that he’s toasty warm in his blanket, it’s the middle of the night, and Ashton’s voice is pulling him out of his beautifully deep slumber. “Cal, wake up! It’s snowing!” 

Though his eyes are closed, he's awake, and he isn't happy about it. If it were anyone else, anyone other than the love of his life, he would punch them. But it's Ashton, and when Calum squints one eye open in the darkness, he's smiling adorably at Calum on the bed. He's dressed head to toe in winter gear, and the ear muffs under his hat make him look like a cute little elf. Calum knows he's about to be invited outside, and as warm as he is, as sleepy as he is, he knows how easily he's going to agree to freeze his ass off. 

He's weak like that. 

" _Caaaalum_." Ashton repeats his name, drawing it out like a song. When he pokes his cheek, Calum giggles a little in spite of himself. "Come on, I want to go play in the snow." 

"Okay, okay," Calum gives in instantly, words a bit slurred in his exhaustion. "Let me get dressed." 

Ashton cheers and sits on Calum’s bed while Calum gets changed. He’s used to changing in front of Ashton now, he gets his ass out in front of the boys and in front of the camera all the time, but he still blushes a little bit because they're alone and it's cold. He can’t find his hat, but he figures he’ll be fine. 

When he’s all ready to go Ashton bounces to his feet and grabs Calum’s mitten hand, pulling him out of the flat, diving right into a pile of snow in front of their door. Calum dives on top of him, and they play fight a little bit, wrestling with each other. 

Back a few months ago, when Ashton started giving him the time of day, probably right around their Twenty Twelve Tour, actually, play fighting was Calum's worst nightmare. Getting up close with the boy he's in love with, being held down by Ashton's strong arms, having his nice thighs around his waist… there were a few too many cold showers that followed. Now, though, most of the time, Calum can detach the sexual element in the moment, enjoying his time goofing off in the snow with Ashton, and save the feeling of being underneath Ashton for when he's alone. 

"I wanna make a snowman, come on," Ashton says suddenly, bouncing away from Calum like he wasn't just shoving his face into a pile of snow. 

Always easy for anything Ashton wants to do, Calum gets up, dusting the snow off of his front, and gets to work helping Ashton roll a giant snowball for the bottom part. At the beginning, it's easy, but once the packed snow starts to build, Calum struggles, even _with_ Ashton's superhuman arms helping. 

"What if we made a mini snowman?" He offers, completely out of breath, panting visibly into the frigid air. 

"Don’t be a quitter," Ashton says, equally as winded as his arms strain to get the ball any bigger. "We go big or we go home." 

Calum salutes him. "Yes, sir." 

It takes longer than it should for two healthy teenage boys, but they eventually get the bottom built. The middle part comes much faster, and Calum builds the head on his own. It's kind of lopsided and maybe the wrong size, but Calum throws it up there anyway. Ashton starts to laugh at it, but Calum kind of loves it. "What do we do for the face?" He asks. 

"Rocks?" Ashton's voice tickles up at the end as he points at the gravel of the walkway that’s almost completely covered by snow. He's already gathering the stones before Calum can even agree, and then he's making the face. When it's done, they both step back and Ashton starts laughing again. "It looks like your dad." 

"Hey, fuck you," Calum bites, holding back a laugh of his own. He tackles Ashton to the ground again and they roll around a little more before the previous exhaustion from lost sleep and snowman building hit him and he's no longer fighting back. 

Ashton stays on top of him anyways, grin brighter than the streetlamp just above their heads, and his manic mind is moving onto the next idea. "Make a snow angel with me." 

The back of Calum’s head is cold and he kind of just wants to go to sleep, but he smiles and starts making a snow angel, Ashton doing the same thing beside him. It takes a lot more effort than either of them expect it to, and when they’re done, they just lay in place, their labored breathing the only sound between them. Calum lets his eyes fall shut. 

It's taken a lot of energy to keep up with Ashton's passion for snow, but Calum thinks it's worth it. Just being near him makes butterflies erupt in Calums stomach. He feels like he could write entire albums just about freezing together in the snow because he'd rather lose all of his toes than miss out on a chance to be alone in Ashton's company. 

"Hey Cal?" Ashton seems to be in his head a bit with the question, so Calum just hums. "I’m sorry." 

He squints one eye open, tilting his head just enough to see the side of Ashton's pretty face, where he's worrying his bottom lip between his teeth. "About the dad thing? Honestly, you weren’t even wrong." 

"No, not about that. I’m sorry for - " He cuts himself off with a huff. "I’m sorry I doubted you before. I’m sorry I was so hard on you."

" _Oh_." 

"I think I just got scared," Ashton continues, completely disregarding Calum's interruption. His voice is shaking slightly, and Calum's heart beats a little too hard in his chest. "That we weren’t going to make it. And I took it out on you, and that wasn’t fair. I didn’t know your situation. And then when your parents kicked you out, Cal, I never even thought about that, I didn’t know."

It's not really a sore subject for Calum anymore, but hearing Ashton sound so _sad_ with his apology has Calum swallowing a lump in his throat. "It’s okay." 

"No, it’s not," Ashton rushes out. He rolls a bit so now they're both looking at each other, and Ashton's hazel eyes burn with regret. "I was awful to you."

"God, you weren’t that bad." Calum's voice is a whisper, feeling incredulous that Ashton’s really letting it hit him so hard. Calum himself hasn't spared much of a thought to it at all, not even at the time that Ashton was giving him the cold shoulder. "I mean, yeah, you weren’t the nicest." Ashton winces. "But I get it. I skipped out on a lot of practices." 

"You _had_ to," he says. "You were gonna be _homeless_."

Biting his lip against a laugh, Calum rolls onto his side, so they're face to face now. "Okay, I wasn’t on the street, I had a bed to sleep in." 

"I guess…" Ashton kicks the snow. Calum can tell he still feels bad about everything, that he's thinking too hard about it all instead of moving on like he should've. Long ago. 

"Hey. You’re one of my best friends." He loves Ashton so much it feels like he's going to die with all of the feelings he gets just seeing him. Ashton smiles, and Calum thinks that if he ever had to find his own place to live again, he'd choose the dimple in Ashton's cheek. "But my head is going to freeze and fall off my body. I think I need to go back inside." 

"Oh! Here!" Sitting up, Ashton pulls off his own hat and pulls it over Calum’s head, situating the ear flaps in place. "There. All cozy. Now you can stay here with me longer." 

Calum can feel his face turning a bright red. He settles back into the snow, trying to keep himself from grinning like a fool. When he feels like he's calmed down a bit, he risks a glance at Ashton to see him staring up at the blue sky. His head must be cold now, but he looks content to lie there. 

Calum feels the exact same. 

  
  
  


_January 27_

  


Growing up, Michael's dad always did the grocery shopping. He'd forget things all the time that Michael used to throw fits over. Now, as he and Luke are perusing the aisles, Michael thinks he might have to call Daryl and apologize because buying food is so much harder than it looks. They purposefully didn't make a shopping list because with only a few things needing to be bought, Michael was certain they'd remember. That's not the way things planned out, though, and now he and Luke are paying too much attention to every item on every shelf, hoping to spark the memory of what it was Ashton told them not to forget. 

"Do we want… jellied eels?" Luke asks, holding a yellowed plastic container. Michael frowns and walks over to see the slimy snack inside. 

"We most definitely do not." 

Luke's nose scrunches further up the longer he looks at it. "British snacks are gross. Who let these people invent their own foods?" 

"Luke, I watched you squirt cheese in a can directly in your mouth two days ago," Michael deadpans, mind still haunted with the image of Luke waterfalling half a can of processed cheese into his big mouth. "You have no room to talk."

"Better than _eels_ in a can," he mutters with a pout as he puts the can back on the shelf. 

They finish the aisle, not coming up with anything that they need for the flat, and then they're onto the next one. It's mostly granola and toaster pastries, but then they reach the cereal, and Michael knows this is something they need. 

"Calum likes chocolatey stuff," Michael brainstorms out loud, remembering countless sleepovers where Calum stuffed his face with Cocoa Puffs. "What does Ashton like?" 

"The gross wheaty ones with no flavor," Luke answers, reaching out and picking up a box of cereal Michael's never before had the misfortune of seeing. "The same stuff my mom eats." 

Michael nods, grabbing a box of Lucky Charms for himself and then they continue their trek. They weave through each section before getting to the pharmacy area, and Michael reaches for the hair dye, grabbing a box. Luke watches with interest, stepping closer to read the label. "You’re going darker?" He asks, eyes wide in surprise. 

"I think so." Michael was pretty sure, but now seeing Luke's reaction, he's hesitant. "Why, do you think I shouldn’t?" 

"No!" Luke rushes out. "No, I told you I like it dark. Hey, if you ever want any help dying it, I could help you, maybe." 

"Oh, that’s okay! I’ve got it." It was a gut reaction, and he doesn’t even know why he said it. The idea of Luke's fingers through his hair as they camp out together in the bathroom, door shut as they're alone and giggling - it's a dream. He immediately regrets his answer when he thinks of what he’s just forced himself to miss out on, and his chest tightens further when Luke’s face falls a little.

"Okay." 

Not knowing how to backtrack, Michael just continues moving, feeling stupid about how he rushed to decline Luke's offer. He looks around for something to lift the mood and is in luck as they're approaching the checkout.

"Hey, Luke." He reaches for a can. "Potted shrimp in nutmeg sauce?" 

Luke shakes his head incredulously. "Brits." 

  
  
  


_February 2_

  


Luke’s never felt as proud as he does after having finished writing _Heartbreak Girl_ with Calum and Lindy. They finally got past the bridge, and it was because of _Luke_. That was the most exciting part - that it was his words that got them through their funk, that because of him, they have a new song to add to the possibilities of album tracks. 

After the session, Calum and Luke are walking home from the studio, a bounce in their steps as they get excited to play it for Michael and Ashton. It’s the third song they’ve completed in the last two weeks, and it’s fun getting to come home with a completed project for the other boys to listen to. He likes when they come home with new music too, but this is just a bit more exciting. 

“ _HOLD YOU TIGHT, STRAIGHT THROUGH THE DAYLIGHT_ ,” Luke starts singing suddenly, voice echoing down the cold, empty road as he throws himself on Calum’s back. 

“Ow, Luke,” Calum whines, but his hands come up and grip at Luke’s thighs. “Dude, you weigh 900 pounds.”

Luke frowns, not liking the mean tone accompanying Calum’s words. He’s hit a bit of a growth spurt lately, and he’s gotten taller, but he’s thinned out. He doesn’t think he should be too heavy. “Hey, you just have weak arms,” he defends himself. “Ashton says I’m light as a feather.”

Suddenly Luke’s falling to the ground, he legs barely catching him and stopping him from tumbling into the snow. He looks up with surprise etched on his face to see Calum pouting at him. “When has Ashton picked you up?” 

Not able to stop himself, Luke rolls his eyes. Calum’s been crushing on Ashton since the day they met, and it’s been a long year of nothing happening. Sometimes they look close enough together that Luke thinks there might be something happening between them, that maybe they’re both into each other in the same way, but then Ashton’s ruffling his hair and Calum’s biting his lip against saying something. If this goes on any longer, Luke thinks he himself with choke on the tension. 

“Are you ever gonna tell him you like him?” he asks. Calum sighs and turns around to keep walking towards the flat, and Luke follows. 

“I don’t know.” He shrugs his shoulders, but there’s a slump to it that shows Luke’s hit a sore spot. “Sometimes I think maybe he likes me back, but I can’t tell. And he’s one of my best friends, I don’t want to ruin it with my _feelings._ ” 

“Here’s an idea that I definitely haven’t brought up thousands of times…” Luke throws his arms around Calum’s shoulder. “What if I asked him for you?” 

Calum stops walking, Luke getting tugged back with it. “I’ll kill you, Luke Hemmings.” It’s said with a bit of a lisp on the last word, and Luke bites his lip against mocking him, knowing the tone isn’t right for that. 

“Okay! Okay,” he gives in, putting his arms up and stepping over. Under his breath he mumbles, “Heartbreak boy,” and Calum reaches out to hit him. 

“Don’t use our song against me!” he yells out as a giggling Luke skips away and up to the gate. He pulls on it a few times, but it must be frozen stuck, so he breathes heavily at the metal, hoping it’ll come undone. Calum watches for a few moments, eyelids half closed in confusion before finally asking, “What are you doing?” 

“Unsticking it!” 

Calum starts laughing. “Luke, you push it, not pull it.”

“Oh.” 

It’s been two months of living there, and Luke realizes he’s never actually been the one to open the gate before, so he never knew it pushed. Feeling stupid, he opens the gate and the two of them make their way up the steps and into the flat finding where Michael and Ashton are in the kitchen together. 

“We have good news,” Calum announces, throwing himself on a stool. 

“So do we!” Michael shouts back. At first he’s smiling, but then it quickly turns into a glare. “Us first!” 

“No, us first!” Luke says. 

After the four of them stare at each other for a few moments, they’re all rushing to shout their respective news to the others at the same time. 

“We finished Heartbreak Girl!” “We’re going on tour with One Direction!”

They all pause, taking the time to process what’s been said. Ashton’s the first to break, a warm smile spreading across his face. “Oh, that’s great! Can we hear it?” 

“No, what the fuck?” Luke snaps, head shaking as he lets the words run through his head. “One Direction?” Even saying it out loud makes it feel unbelievable. There’s no fucking way a band that Luke’s heard on the radio twice today already has invited them on tour - to play for the millions of fans that they have that would be watching 5 Seconds of Summer as well. There’s no fucking way. 

“Yeah!” Michael says, voice cheery...like he’s not making a joke. He’s dancing a bit in place, incredibly bouncy, and actually sounding serious about it. “Their team contacted us this morning while you were gone, we’re opening for them!” 

Next to Luke, Calum sinks further onto the barstool, mouth hanging open. “Are you kidding?” 

Still dancing a little, Michael replies, “No!” 

It feels like it came out of nowhere, Luke thinks to himself. The past two months have been spent goofing off in the flat and writing their music, but other than their YouTube videos, they’ve kind of been living off the grid. Getting an offer to go on tour with one of the biggest bands on the radio doesn’t seem like it adds up with what’s been happening, especially since they’ve only been acknowledged by the band twice, and those were just on Twitter. 

“Do you think it was because of the tweets?” Luke asks, eyebrows still furrowed in confusion. 

“A lot of their fans really responded to it,” Ashton says, nodding like he’s agreeing with Luke’s reasoning. “It makes sense.” 

“The tour starts on the 23rd,” Michael butts in, still moving around like if he rests for a moment it’ll all disappear - Luke feels the same. “So if you guys just finished Heartbreak Girl, we gotta go to the studio ASAP to record it.” 

The 23rd is less than a month away. It’s three weeks for them to choose a setlist, rehearse for it, and to get ready for a tour with a band that probably plays in venues as big as their college was. He’s freaking out a bit inside. “That’s short notice.”

“It is,” Ashton says. 

“Really short.” Though Calum’s agreeing with Luke’s words, he looks more excited than nervous. 

“You’re really short!” Michael yells back in the offended tone he takes on whenever Calum says something he doesn’t like. 

Calum doesn’t acknowledge it, other than a resigned, “We’re the same height.” 

“Anyways,” Michael rolls his eyes. “If it’s done I’ll call the studio and find a day soon to record.” Without waiting for a response, Michael gets out his phone, dialing a number, and then he’s leaving the room. Luke watches him go, still having trouble processing everything. One Direction is _huge_. This is the biggest move of their career - everything’s going to change. 

  
  
  


_February 8_

  


As fun as performing together as a band is, Ashton finds recording in the studio to be incredibly annoying. It’s tedious work and it always pushes him to the end of his rope. Luckily the drums to _Heartbreak_ _Girl_ were easy to play a few times, and his vocals for the chorus just needed to blend in well with Calum and Luke’s, so he was able to make it through the process painlessly. Michael, on the other hand, is not having the same experience. 

It's been a few hours in the studio, now, and Steve's visibly getting on Michael's nerves. He keeps having Michael replay the outro on his guitar, claiming it's not what he wants. It probably wouldn't be too bad if he had done it to everyone, but Michael's spent the most time in the booth out of all of them, and he's starting to look tense. Ashton's a little worried. 

When he picks the strings again and Steve shakes his head, Michael throws his arms up. "I need to take a break," he calls, words coming out harshly. "Give me ten?" Steve nods and gets his phone out. As involved as he's been with their music, he doesn't engage with them a lot outside of the process. 

With permission, Michael huffs and slides his guitar off his shoulder, leaving the sound booth and stomping into the room with everyone else. It looks like he's about to make his way outside into the cold, so Ashton grips his wrist, jerking him to a stop. "Okay, what’s going on with you?" 

"Nothing!" He yells back, making Ashton jump at the sudden volume. 

"Something’s obviously wrong," Calum says. "Tell us what it is!" 

"It’s just!" Michael's eyes are wide, and it looks like he's struggling for the right words. He stomps his left foot and then continues, "I feel like this isn’t my band. I’m happy for you and Luke that they chose Heartbreak Girl as a single, but when is it my turn to have one of my songs be picked for a single? When is it Ashton’s turn? We wrote a good song, too! Are you really that much better at songwriting?" He takes in a deep breath, letting it out with a groan and a kick at the concrete wall. "Fuck!" He's clearly more angry than he's letting on. His volume was rising with each word he let out, and now that he's displayed his anger, he's standing in front of everyone with his arms crossed as they all try to take in his rant. 

Objectively, _Greenlight_ isn't the type of song that would work as a single. At least, not in Ashton's opinion. Based on what's gotten more radio play as of late and who their fanbase is, _Heartbreak Girl_ will perform better. It's what he's thinking, but he doesn't say it because he doesn't think it'll help. 

None of them know how to help, apparently, because for a moment they all just watch where Michael's pouting, body shaking a bit with the aftereffects of his small tantrum. Luke's the first person to take a chance, which is probably for the best because if Michael's gentle with anybody, it's Luke. 

"Michael," he tries, voice soft with trepidation. "It's not Calum’s fault." 

"Of course it’s not," Michael laughs humorlessly. "Calum’s perfect. Everything he writes is perfect." He throws his hands up again, angling himself to face Calum as he shoves a finger in his chest. "You know what, Calum? It doesn't sound like you're singing _'hold you tight'_ . It sounds like you're saying _'Oh, Wichita'_. I looked it up, that's a city in Kansas."

"Michael, what the hell," Ashton sighs, his hand coming up to his forehead. As close as Michael and Calum are, they're always the quickest to get in arguments. This, though, is just nitpicking for the sake of it, and Ashton has no idea how to talk him down. 

Luke frowns before reaching out for Michael's hand. "Come with me." He pulls Michael aside to the opposite end of the room, and Ashton hears him using a soothing voice, calming Michael down. Michael’s looking down at the ground, pouty, but he’s listening to Luke nevertheless. "You’re so important. Don’t doubt that, Mikey." 

Ashton looks over to Calum, who’s sitting on the floor leaning against the wall looking sad. It's a bad look on Calum, his lips turned down and brown eyes lacking their usual shine. Ashton sits down next to him, and Calum looks at him, worried. "Are you mad, too?" 

"Not at all," Ashton answers, shaking his head. "You wrote a kickass song, and I get to be a part of it. I couldn’t be any less mad than I am right now." 

It works to have Calum smiling a little, but he still looks worried. "I never meant to make him feel like that."

"Of course you didn’t." Ashton doesn't think there's come a time where any of his boys would do something malicious to anyone. They're good guys - Calum, especially, has a really warm heart. "You know how he gets, though. He’ll be fine in like five minutes, he just needs to be upset right now." 

"Yeah…" 

Something about Calum being sad doesn't sit right in Ashton's stomach. He's usually a ball of energy, a really weird kid that's always having a good time. Ashton needs make him feel better right exactly now. "Hey." Calum looks at him and Ashton thinks he looks more like a sad little puppy than ever before. "I want to write with you soon, yeah? We never get to."

Calum finally gives him a real smile and nods enthusiastically. He opens his mouth, and Ashton's excited to hear if he has an idea already in his head, but then Michael and Luke are walking back over. Luke stays standing, but Michael looks ashamed and a little pitiful as he slides down the wall and sits on Calum's other side, resting his head on Calum's shoulder. 

"Sorry, Cal," he apologizes, "I was a dick." 

"Yeah." 

"You know it’s just because you’re so talented," he continues, and Calum kisses the top of his head. 

"You’re okay, Mikey," Calum forgives him right away. "Couldn’t do this without you, yeah?" Michael smiles and nods, completely melting in Calum's side. 

They're lucky to have Calum, really. He's a good friend. 

  
  
  


_February 16_

  


"What's wrong?" 

Michael knew the moment he skipped into their bedroom to the sight of Luke under a million blankets, only his frowning face visible, that he was in another sad funk of his. Michael lifts the edge of the bottom blanket and slips into bed with Luke, turning on his side and looking in his eyes. 

He stays silent, just continuing to look at Michael with misty, worried eyes. Michael reaches up and boops Luke's nose quickly. 

"Lukey?" 

Flinching away from the sudden attack to his face, Luke sighs. "Do you think I’m ugly?"

The question feels like a slap to the face. Michael has no idea what to say, unsure if he can answer that. At its base, the answer is no, but Michael doesn't know if he'll be abide to stop himself from adding that Luke's the cutest boy he's ever seen on his entire life, and that the idea that Luke doesn't see it makes Michael want to kiss his stupid face a million times until he does. 

His pause lasts for too long, and Luke looks down, frowning. " _Oh_."

" _No!"_ Michael rushes to say, a bit too frantically, eyes wide as his hands tense around nothing, grasping for a hold on the situation. "No, of course I don’t. What would make you think that?" 

Luke sighs again. "Nothing, I just…" he trails off, reaching up to wipe at his eye with his open palm. He's not crying yet, but he looks like he might start at any moment. "We’re going on this big tour, right? And we’re gonna be in front of so many people and they’re all gonna be judging me. What if they laugh at me?" 

"Why would they?" Michael asks. It comes out without him realizing. "Luke, you’re amazing." 

"Like, my voice is fine," he half-agrees, shrugging. Michael is indignant on his behalf, Luke always puts himself down, and it should be illegal. "But I’m not, like. Michael, I’m not hot." 

There's not a single word in Michael's head that would be appropriate to say in response to the lies dripping from Luke's tongue. Every time he closes his eyes, it's Luke's face flashing behind his lids. When he starts to feel homesick, he thinks of Luke and instantly feels better. When he's alone in the shower with a hand around himself, Luke's all he can get himself off to.

"Luke…" 

Luke shakes his head. "I’m being stupid. It doesn’t matter how I look, it’s about the music." Though he's trying to make himself feel better, he just looks more upset. 

"You’re not being stupid," Michael chastises, but then thinks better. "Well, you kind of are." Luke looks confused, and Michael explains, "Just, you’re stupid that you think anyone could think you’re ugly. You’re probably the hottest of all of us."

"Shut up," Luke shuts him down, rolling his eyes. 

"I’m serious!" To back his statement up, Michael reaches up, resting his hand on Luke's cheek. "You’ll bring London to its knees, Luke Hemmings." Luke looks like he doesn’t believe him, and it hurts Michael a little bit that Luke thinks he’s just being nice when he wants to kiss Luke so badly he could literally die right now. But there’s no way to convince him, so Michael just slips a hand around his waist and cuddles him closer, lets Luke put his face in his chest and be sad for a little bit. "No matter what, you’ll always be hotter than Calum." Luke snorts against his chest and Michael feels a little better. 

He hopes Luke does, too. 

  
  
  


_February 23_

  


It's a short walk from the stage to the greenroom after their first performance opening on the Take Me Home Tour, and as they burst through the door, Calum feels more alive than any other show has made him feel. There's a shake in his body, and his face is going to crack with the smile that keeps getting wider with each moment that passes. 

The first thing Calum does when the green room door is shut behind them is watch Luke run over to the wastebasket and puke his dinner up. He finishes with one last spit, straightens up, and faces the rest of the band, mouth open in excitement. "That was _awesome!_ " 

He doesn't look green like he usually does when his nausea is something to worry about, so Calum looks away from the trash bin and pretends it never happened. "We killed it!"

Jumping in place, Michael starts doing a weird little dance, the same one he does when he's too excited to express how he feels. Calum's known him for six years, and Michael's still hasn't gotten any better than it was when they were eleven. He can't make fun of him, though, not when Calum himself is shaking out of his seams with all of the energy inside him. 

The door opens suddenly and the tour manager walks in. He's grinning, so Calum doesn't worry about his sudden appearance. Besides, he was friendly enough when the band met him, and he's yet to be anything but. They'd thought he was just in charge of the opening act, but it turns out he oversees the entire show, meaning their set is his responsibility. He claps his hands once to garnish the attention he doesn't already have.

"Boys, gather round. I have a few notes for you. Come here, all of you, let’s go." Unable to stand still, Calum rushes over to him, his band close behind, all grinning, high off of the best performance of their life. "Let me just first say, great job! I’m proud of you boys, you put on a hell of a show." 

Exchanging glances between themselves, the band cheers internally. They thought they had done well - Calum, especially, putting them on a bit of a pedestal, but having it be verified by somebody whose job it is to make sure nothing is shit is just what they needed. Calum wouldn't be surprised if he was here to offer them their very own arena tour or a show on MTV. 

"I only have a few notes," the manager picks up, pulling a clipboard up from where he was holding it at his side. "Luke, you need to let the sound guys know if you need your mic turned up, and not politely. We practiced hand signals before, I know it feels rude, but they work better when you’re crystal clear with them. Right?" Luke nods. Calum noticed he had been trying to mouth apologies at the sound guys all night every time he felt like he needed his mic up. "Ashton, we’re going to elevate your drum kit by a little bit next show, just so you’re more visible. Sound good?" Ashton agrees. 

"Finally, Michael," he sighs, turning to Michael's hesitant face. "There’s no easy way to say this, but the audience for this tour is primarily teens, a lot of them younger, and a lot of them with their parents."

Michael cocks his head to the side, looking even more confused. "What do you mean?" 

"We’re worried that your look might be a little too," he coughs a little, "ah, _gothic_ for them." 

"Gothic?" Michael looks down at his outfit with a frown, and Calum mimics his expression. He's wearing a black leather jacket and a few chains. It's achingly similar to what he wore in the _Heartbreak Girl_ music video, and it's what their fans are used to seeing. It's not like he walked out there in a cape - though Calum's certain he wouldn't hesitate to do that if he had the choice. 

"Exactly." The manager grins again as though he doesn't sense the confusion amongst the band. "We’re loving the whole pop punk look, but keep it in that vein, yeah? Try to go a little more approachable, we don’t want to alienate people." 

"Right…" Michael agrees flatly. The guy leaves, giving them a weird rock symbol that looks dumb coming from him. Calum decides he doesn't like him anymore, and Michael decides to flip off his retreating back. " _‘Gothic’_? It’s called edgy. At least I’m not wearing a sweater and glasses like grandfather time over here." 

As soon as Michael is pointing to Ashton, his mouth drops. "Hey!" His tone is dripping with offense. 

"Sorry." Michael pouts alongside his apology and glares at the ground, kicking his foot at nothing. "You look cute." Ashton, ever too easy to please, smiles at the compliment. Calum would be teasing him, but Michael's right - Ashton in glasses is Calum's wet dream. 

Moving on from the disappointment of the tour manager's appointment, they all sit down together, adrenaline not as prevalent amongst them, and begin to plan tomorrow's set and how they're going to make it even better. 

  
  
  


_March 8th_

  


Whenever Ashton misses out on bonding time with the band, he feels a little left out, but as he walks into the greenroom after a long Skype session with his family, he's not upset he wasn't a part of today's antics. 

He got the notice that the band's YouTube channel has uploaded a video as he was signing off with his mom, but when he opened it, he wanted to close it back up. It was just the other guys inside the O2, pretending they were on _Cribz_. At first, Ashton just felt a little left out of the fun, but then started to realize that the jokes weren't funny and the boys looked kind of immature. It was a mess that he's glad he missed. 

When he walks into the green room, Luke, Calum, and Michael are all stretched out on the couches, a box of pizza half eaten in front of them. "Hey guys," he greets, grabbing a slice of pizza and throwing himself on top of Calum, smiling at the _oof_ he lets out. "Saw the video. Zero out of ten. Bad jokes." 

"Fuck you, we’re funny," Michael says, grinning as though the video wasnt complete garbage.

"How many times did you need to zoom in on Luke’s dick, Mikey?"Ashton won't lie, that was his least favorite part. The context didn't make sense, the angle was weird, the cinematography was bad. 

Zero out of ten. 

Not sensing that Ashton wasn't amused, Luke giggles to himself. "That was the funniest part." 

Biting back a comment, Ashton just shakes his head at their nonsense and turns to the last member of their group. "Hey, Calum, can I pick your brain for a minute? I want your opinion on something I’ve been writing." 

"Sure, of course!" Calum launches himself off the couch and looks at Ashton with eager eyes. 

"But we usually write together!" Michael whines. Part of Ashton wants to be excited that he's jealous of Ashton and Calum writing together, but mostly all he feels is annoyed that he isn't immediately writing right now, that he's being stopped because Michael's insecure about his writing - which is actually pretty fucking awesome, Ashton just really needs Calum right now. 

"It’s a beat, Mike," he explains. "I want the other half of the rhythm section for this."

Michael _hmphs_ and turns to Luke, grabbing pieces of his fringe and trying to braid then together. In the middle of it, he spares a look at Ashton again, only to tilt his head up and resume his terrible braiding. 

Ashton rolls his eyes and walks to the other side of the room with Calum in tow. He grabs his drumsticks and takes a seat at his stool. "Okay, tell me how this sounds." He starts playing the beat that was in his head all morning, and then he slips into a bit of melody with it, feeling the music guide him. When he finishes, he looks up to Calum, eyes asking for approval. 

"That’s sick," Calum says, words coming out with a laugh. 

"Yeah?"

"Yeah!" Calum reaches for his bass, and Ashton feels anticipation filling him. The thought of writing a song with Calum gives him such an energy rush. Everything Calum's written lately has been gold. "You got lyrics yet?" 

As Calum starts picking at his chords, a deep earthy sound surrounding them, Ashton thinks of the dumb lyric he had floating around his head, the ' _Won't you please stop loving me to death'_ he had loved before singing in the shower and deciding it was awful. "Nah, nothing," he lies, immediately wishing he hadn't when Calum frowns. "I was gonna see if you could maybe help me with that part?"

"Sure," he shrugs, still playing an aimless riff on his bass. "I’ll try to think something up after the show. Or tomorrow. Right now I want nachos." 

Ashton feigns gagging, feeling the dramatics worth it when Calum giggles. "I can’t do nachos." 

"I think if I had to eat one thing for the rest of my life it would be nachos." There's a serene grin on Calum's face and a faraway look in his eye, like he's visualizing the dystopian future where nachos are the only food source.

"I have a complicated relationship with nachos," Ashton tells him, attention latched onto where Calum's fingering the fret. Ashton doesn't know if it's a song he's written or if he's just having fun, but it sounds good. He hopes it's something he'd be willing to share. 

"What do you mean?" 

"I always eat too many and I end up feeling sick," he answers. 

Calum shakes his head sadly, his music losing its rhythm and stopping completely. "It’s so sad. Sometimes it’s the things that ruin us that we can’t stay away from. Like crack. Or _people_." He emphasizes the word like it's revelation, eyes going wide with it. "You know what, I might make a lyric out of that. I’ll get back to you." He looks so serious that Ashton can't help but laugh. Calum's so fucking weird sometimes - Ashton’s lucky to be around him. 

  
  
  


_March 17_

  


Luke should've known when they were writing it that _Superhero_ was absolute shit. If he would've realized how terrible it was before he showed it to anyone, he would've saved himself the trouble of having to listen to everyone record their parts separately - he would've saved himself the pain. They've been performing the song for a month at this point - why hasn't anybody told Luke it sucks? 

He's just come from the booth, his part thankfully over with, and Calum's heading in there now. He sinks down onto the ground, head thrown against the wall in his irritation. All he can think about is adding it to the album and having to live with the proof that Luke wrote the worst song in the history of the world. 

Michael walks into the studio from where he was taking a break. He's got candy in his hand, and he heads for Luke as soon as he sees the sullen expression he's holding. "You seem weird."

"No, I don't," Luke snaps back. He cringes when he hears how angry he sounds, knowing he's basically just given himself away. 

"Yeah, you do." As if Luke didn't just yell at him, Michael keeps eating his chocolate, continuing their conversation. "I've been sitting here for a whole minute and you haven't stolen any of my food." Luke looks at his candy sadly and takes some, stuffing his face just to prove he's normal… it doesn’t work. "There he is." Michael chuckles, sliding down on the wall to sit as well. "Tell me your troubles, Lukey."

He doesn't want to say anything at first, doesn't want to make a mountain of a molehill, but Michael's sitting quietly next to him, waiting patiently for Luke to open up, and he knows he can't hold up to those green eyes staring into him for too long. "Honestly? This song kind of sucks." 

"What, Superhero?" 

"Yeah. I know the crowds at the shows like it, but recording it felt bad." It felt awful. Every note that he sang was just shoving his terrible lyrics back in his face. They should kick him out of the band. "I've written better songs than this, I feel like this one shouldn't be a single. We shouldn't even be recording it." It feels wrong to say because Luke knows how much Michael wishes more of his songs were being recorded, and here Luke is, trashing one of his own successful ones, acting ungrateful and bratty, but the song isn't good. Maybe he should feel like he's betraying Calum, his co writer, but maybe Calum should've realized just how bad the music was, maybe then Luke wouldn't have to sit here and listen to him sing, wanting to rip his ears off his head. 

The scowl on his face must be telling. Michael stops eating his chocolate, eyes wide as he watches Luke back. "You hate it that much?" 

"I mean?" Luke flounders for something to say at first, arms shrugging as he gestures to Calum. " _Yeah_. I feel like if I hadn't written it I wouldn't be so hard on it but I keep dissecting it." 

"That means you're a real artist, Lukey." Michael's hand finds Luke's where it's resting in his lap. "Van Gogh hated his own work when he was alive."

"No, he liked it." Luke's fingers weave through Michael's. "Everyone else hated it."

"Okay, I'm trying here." 

"Sorry," he apologizes. "Thanks Mikey." He picks their joined hands up, wrapping his free palm around them. He's lucky to have a friend like Michael, he shouldn't be the asshole that shoots down all of his uplifting words just because he's upset. 

_He's_ not being a very good friend. 

Michael watches Luke closely, frowning slightly when things don't get better instantly. "Luke, you can’t worry so much about what other people think about you. Or say about you. You gotta be more confident in yourself."

"I know I do." He has a lot of trouble with that. Whenever people tell him what he’s like or judge him based on the most surface level details, he just believes it. It's one of his biggest flaws, how susceptible he is to the perceptions of others. 

"You're not going to like everything you write, Luke," Michael says, finality in his voice. "Give yourself a break." 

"I'll try." And he will. But for now, he'll quietly hate this terrible song and hope it doesn't get picked as a track listing. 

They watch Calum recording his vocals for a minute before he hears Michael let out a _tss_ through his teeth. "You're right, though. This song kind of sucks." 

Luke snorts. " _I know_."

  
  
  


_March 21_

  


“Put your hands up, earthling!” Ashton yells across the empty parking lot. Calum stops where he was trying to run around Ashton’s side and sneak attack him from behind. Slowly his hands make their way above his head as Ashton holds his fingers like a pretend gun in front of him. Calum begins looking for an escape. “I've come to steal your crops and eat all your money! Wait, no - ”

As Calum tries to jump forward, giggling uncontrollably, Ashton shoots him with his imaginary laser gun, killing Calum instantly. He pretends to die dramatically, one hand in the air as he leans with it, and instead of falling to the ground, he falls on top of Ashton, who squawks and catches him before they both fall to the ground in the parking lot. 

With Ashton’s arms around him, Calum uses it as leverage to roll Ashton underneath him as they both wrestle on the cement, Calum trying to shove Ashton’s hands on the ground, but Ashton’s stronger and puts up a good fight. “The ground is so dirty, let go of me!” 

“Never!” Calum yells, trying to keep his balance. Ashton’s thrashing underneath him. “Submit to my will, alien life form!” But then Ashton fake shoots him, and Calum has no choice but to die again, giving Ashton a chance to stand up and brush off his legs. Calum stays on the ground, feeling tired and boneless. Besides, it’s warm down here and he has a nice view of Ashton’s calves. 

“Calum, get up.” Ashton’s foot kicks out against the soft flesh of Calum’s hip. “This parking lot is gross, you're going to catch the bubonic plague.” 

“Catch it with me!” He holds out his arms, making grabby hands at Ashton’s towering body. His lips are pouting dramatically and his eyebrows are furrowed - it’s his signature trap, one that Luke falls for twice a day, at least, but Ashton only stands still, arms crossed over his chest. 

“Nope,” he denies. Calum’s mouth turns down until he’s glaring up at him. “You’re dying alone. My body is a temple, I refuse to - ” Calum grabs his ankles and pulls him down so he’s sprawled out next to him on the dirty pavement. “Calum!” 

As Ashton goes to get up, Calum throws his arm out, laying it across Ashton’s stomach. “Live a little, Ash.” Ashton sighs and settles down next to him. He’s grumbling as he does, but Calum doesn’t care - he’s just happy to have him close, as always. 

“Imagine all the teeny bacteria men climbing up my body right now,” Ashton says, voice laced in disgust. He’s moving to get comfortable, head wiggling on the ground below them. 

“What, like little mountaineers?” 

Despite clearly being uncomfortable, adjusting his positioning and shooting daggers at the unmoving ground below him, Ashton carries on the conversation like nothing’s happening. “Yeah, with tiny backpacks that they keep their little germ necessities in.”

“Do you think any of them are in bands, too?” Calum asks. 

“Like a tiny little germ 5sos?” 

Calum reaches his left hand out, using his index and middle finger to walk up Ashton’s bicep. “Climbing up your body to their next venue.”

For a moment, Ashton’s head stays still, tilted down as he stares at Calum’s fingers on his skin, but then he looks up, hazel eyes meeting Calum’s brown ones. “What’s their next venue?” Calum tilts his head, keeping his fingers moving across his body; eventually, he finds his next stop. 

“It’s on your elbow,” Calum decides, fingers resting on the soft skin in the center of Ashton’s arm. 

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Calum nods as much as he can with his head on hard concrete. “Cause your elbow to tiny 5SOS is like, the size of China.” 

Ashton’s quiet for a moment eyes locked on when Calum’s fingers are dancing on his elbow, but then he sighs. “It’s sad.” 

“What is?” Calum looks up to Ashton frowning at where their skin meets. 

“Tiny germ 5sos are probably gonna drown in the middle of their set tonight, cause I’m about to get up and take a shower and wash this parking lot the fuck off my body.” With his words, Ashton stands up, Calum’s hand dropping to the ground, a frown forming on his lips. 

“Spoilsport.” 

“Somebody has to attend your funeral when you die of a flesh eating disease,” Ashton says plainly. He begins to stretch, and Calum stares a bit too long at where his tank top rides up, showing off the jut of his hip bones. He thinks the dip in Ashton’s body would be a perfect cup for a bit of apple juice. 

When he realizes he’s been silent for too long, too distracted by the love of his life teasing him with a flash of skin, he nods, swallowing the lump in his throat. “That’s true. Thank you for thinking of me.” He makes a little heart with his hands, hoping it’s the end of it, but then Ashton grabs his hands and hauls him to his feet, slinging an arm around his shoulders and guiding him to the bus. 

  
  
  


_March 30_

  


Being on the road means Michael doesn’t have to get his parents’ approval to do crazy things like get his ears pierced - though he did bring Ashton for support. But being on tour also means that they don’t have much time to do the crazy things that they’re allowed to. It’s been too long since Michael last dyed his hair, and he doesn’t know when he’ll be able to do it again. They have a solid fifteen minutes before they’re needed for an interview, and they’re throwing ideas around in the green room for possibilities for Michael’s next hair color. 

Were he to ever find the free time. 

“Orange,” Calum recommends. Michael doesn’t tell him that he’s uncreative for choosing the same color of the pen he’s holding in his hand. “A la Carrot Top.” 

“ _Gross_.”

Michael’s head snaps to Ashton, glaring at him for his unnecessary and _rude_ comment. “Hey! I wouldn’t look gross.” 

“Honestly, I don’t know if I could talk to you if it was orange. That’s crossing the line.” Ashton’s face scrunches together, and Michael pouts. He didn’t know Ashton was this _mean._ “What about green? It would make your eyes pop.” … Okay, he can be sweet sometimes. 

“What about blue?” Luke asks. He’s smiling sweetly at Michael, and it melts him just a bit more than Ashton’s compliment did. “It would make _my_ eyes pop.” 

Michael giggles with Luke, but he tucks that idea away in the back of his mind. He wouldn’t actually mind matching Luke’s eyes. It could be like, their _thing_. Some couples wear matching shirts or have coordinating bathroom towels - his hair could be the color of Luke’s eyes. It’s sweet, a good idea, and Michael wants to do it kind of a lot. He snuggles into Luke adoringly. There’s nothing better than snuggly boy with a cute idea. 

“I think you should just keep it the color it is,” Calum says suddenly. He’s still holding the orange pen in his hand, staring at it like it means something. “Shit brown, like your personality.” 

Michael throws a pillow at him. “Fuck you.” 

*****

He dyes it blue. 

He doesn’t know if Luke remembers what he said or why he said it, but Michael knows he did it for him, and that’s what matters.

  
  
  


_April 2_

  


“This is gonna be so funny.” 

Luke’s already laughing as Calum stands atop the chair trying to rig the mechanism they built above the door. They haven’t even filled up the water balloons and it’s already going incredibly. 

Touring is _not_ boring, Luke knows that. It’s just, lately things have been a bit monotonous, constantly either playing music or interviewing or writing, and while Luke’s having the most fun he’s ever had in his life, spicing things up with an April Fool’s Day prank, come a day late, is something he couldn’t say no to when Calum offered. They have balloons filled with water, set to hang them above the door and soak Michael and Ashton when they come in from their writing session. 

It was all Luke’s idea. 

“They’re never gonna see this coming…” 

“So we put them over the door?” Calum double checks. He’s finish up where he’s taping their mechanism to the frame of the door. “And then when they walk in they’ll fall?” 

“Yeah, exactly!” Luke tries to sound sure of himself, but he’s never actually done this before. He’s hoping it works because nothing would be funnier than the look on their faces as they got drenched with water. 

Calum laughs excitedly as he steps down from the chair. “This is great. They’re gonna be soaking. And they’re gonna have to take their shirts off!”

At the comment, Luke feels his smile falter a little. He doesn’t have a problem with Calum being gay, but whenever he talks too in-depth about being in love with Ashton, or finding any other boys cute, Luke can’t help but feel conflicted. He doesn’t like to think about that kind of stuff, doesn’t know what he likes, and doesn’t know if he ever wants to find out. “Yeah, I guess.” 

“What,” Calum snorts. “You don’t want them to?”

“I mean, I don’t know?” Luke shrugs his shoulders, feeling them droop when he releases his tension. “They do that all the time.” 

“Yeah, but they’ll be _wet_ ,” Calum argues. Luke bites his lip against asking why it matters, and what Calum likes so much about the idea. To be fair, it doesn’t sound _bad_ \- he just doesn’t think he gets it. Although, he supposes it’s more interesting than _not_ looking at a wet shirtless boy. 

“Do you ever like...think about guys like that?” 

The question throws Luke off a little bit. Calum’s eyes are boring into the side of Luke’s face where he’s staring at the carpet. “Like you do?” he asks, not waiting for an answer. “I don’t really know. I haven’t thought about it much.” Because he hasn’t let himself. Because he’s afraid of what the answer may be. Luke looks up, feeling brave enough to ask a question. “How um. How did you know?” 

“That I’m gay?” Calum cocks his head to the side, and Luke thinks Ashton’s right when he says Calum looks like a puppy sometimes. “I just knew. I’ve never had crushes on girls, it was always boys. It’s how I’ve always been.”

“And you’ve never questioned it?”

“Of course I have.” Calum laughs a little, like what Luke’s asked is absurd. Maybe it is, but with the confidence Calum has in himself and who he likes, Luke thinks it was a fair question. “But I always end up at the same conclusion.” Luke hums, not sure Calum’s perspective is helping any. He’s never had a crush on anyone. Sure, he’s thought people were cute before. But not a real crush on anyone, where his heart speeds up and he gets _butterflies_.

“Whats up, Luke?” Calum asks, “You got a crush on someone, hmm?” 

If anything’s absurd, it’s the notion that Luke would actually be able to sort out his own head enough to have a crush on anyone. He snorts, unable to stop himself. “No, not at all.” 

Calum doesn’t say anything at first, just bites the inside of his cheek as he thinks something over, but then he’s placing his hand on Luke’s shoulder. “Well, you know you can always talk to me if you do. Or if you have questions, you know, about anything.” Luke knows he’s hinting more towards the possibility of addressing his curiosity on sexuality, but he’s not ready to open that can of worms. Not now. Possibly ever. 

“I know,” he says anyways. 

Moving on from the conversation, they both turn towards their pile of balloons. Its pathetic, really - basically two full balloons and a pile of broken ones… and Luke and Calum are covered in water themselves from trying to fill them. 

Maybe this prank wasn’t worth the payoff. 

Clearly not thinking on the same page as Luke, Calum claps his hands together once and smiles like he has no troubles in his life. “Okay, help me rig this.” 

They try together for a few minutes, but don’t end up with a complete success. One of the balloons successfully makes it atop the door, but the other one breaks over Calum’s head. 

“Well…” 

Calum sighs at Luke’s lousy tone. “It’ll have to do.” 

They’re only sitting in the room for a few minutes when Michael and Ashton walk through the door - Ashton leading the way. As soon as he’s through the threshold, the balloon falls. Unfortunately, it’s slightly delayed, so it lands to Ashton’s left, not really doing any of the damage Luke has promised. 

“Hey,” Ashton pouts, staring down where the balloon popped. “You got my sock wet!” 

Next to Luke, Calum sits up straight, his voice laced with anticipation as he shouts, “Take it off!” forcing Luke to roll his eyes and question why he ever thought Calum might be a dependable person to seek advice from. 

  
  
  


_April 20_

  


The end of the UK leg of their tour with One Direction comes around quickly. It’s no time at all before they have a small collection of songs written, a perfectly rehearsed set, and they’re relaxing after the show. Ashton’s not sure where Michael and Luke fucked off to in celebration, but he stayed back with Calum in their hotel room. They can’t figure out how to turn the AC off, so they’re in Calum’s bed with the covers wrapped tight around their cuddling bodies as _Anchorman_ plays on the television. 

“You’re like a little space heater, Cal,” Ashton comments, cold hands rest around Calum’s stomach, warming them quickly. Calum beams up at him and cuddles in a little further. Ashton rubs his back absentmindedly. He’s never had a friendship this cuddly, but Calum’s a tactile person and Ashton loves spending time with him, so it was inevitable they would snuggle a lot. “How did you feel about the show tonight?”

“Pretty good, I think.” Calum turns a little so he’s looking back at Ashton. There’s a flush sitting high on his cheeks from the chill of the room. “I’ll miss performing.” 

“It’ll be nice to have a little down time though. To write and stuff.” Lately they’ve been knocking songs out of the park, but they’re not exactly of quality. When they head back to Australia, they’ll have more time to settle down when they’re with their families, some space away from the road for a bit where they can actually come up with solid ideas - with songs they’d be proud to put on an album. 

Calum shrugs in his arms, the movement jostling Ashton, his hands slipping from their hold. He scoots closer, tightening his grip around Calum’s body. 

“Yeah, but I’ll miss you.” Calum pauses before adding, “All of you.” 

“I’ll miss you too,” Ashton grins, shoving his head in Calum’s neck. “You’re my teddy bear.” Calum giggles and shakes his head a little before turning back to the television. 

It’s not often that Ashton remembers when he used to hold a steady dislike towards Calum, but when it does it always hurts his heart. There’s not a person more loyal and kind-hearted than Calum Hood, and the fact that Ashton allowed himself to be mad over something so _stupid_ for nearly a year is the biggest tragedy he thinks he’s ever faced. 

They watch the movie for a little while longer, and Ashton’s starting to think he can fall asleep like this when Calum gasps suddenly, his entire body flipping around in Ashton’s arms so they’re nearly nose to nose. “Oh my god, I forgot to tell you.” 

“What?” 

“That beat you showed me a little while ago,” he says. “I wrote some lyrics for it this morning, I was going to show you but we had lunch and then the show.”

In all honesty, Ashton had forgotten about the beat until now. He tried to think of something other than the lyric that was banging around in his head, but nothing went well with it, so he put it out of his mind. The idea that Calum’s been walking around with it in his head gives him hope for the possibility of it actually becoming something. “Oh, sick, I haven’t been able to come up with anything for it yet. Will you show me?” 

Calum grumbles a bit, frowning as he gives a longing glance towards the door. “I don’t wanna get up and get my notebook.” 

“Fine,” Ashton sighs out. He doesn’t exactly want Calum to get up either. Then he’d be cold and alone, and that’s just not worth it. “Sing it for me.” 

“No.” Even in the dim light of the room, Ashton can see the blush take over Calum’s face, completely. It’s absolutely adorable, and it makes Ashton want to do whatever he can to keep it there forever. “I’ll show you tomorrow.” 

“ _Please_?” 

Calum sighs the moment Ashton starts pouting, and he knows he’s won. “Okay, fine. But don’t look at me.” Ashton dutifully looks at the ceiling, trying not to smile too proudly. He hears Calum take a deep breath and then he quietly sings, “ _I can feel you watching even when you’re nowhere to be seen, I can feel you touching even when you’re far away from me.”_ Not knowing if that’s the end, Ashton stay silent, mind still reeling on how effortless it was Calum to come up with those words. “Well? What do you think?” 

“How do you do that?” Ashton asks. He hadn’t meant to - he’d wanted to praise the lyrics, to tell Calum that he’s incredible, a creative genius, but all he can think about is how he stared at a blank sheet of paper for three hours a few weeks ago, unable to come up with something remotely usable. 

“What?” 

“It’s beautiful, Cal,” he remembers to compliment. “I just. How do you tap into the romantic side of yourself so easily? How do you write lyrics that sound like you’re so in love?” 

“Oh.” The blush is back on Calum’s cheeks, but this time he’s avoiding Ashton’s eyes. “I don’t know. I guess, um. I guess I have someone in mind when I write. That helps.” 

Ashton’s not one to push, but he’s curious who the person is, who Calum could’ve met on tour. All Ashton’s been able to be interested in has been Michael… _maybe_ . He’s really cute, and he’s fun, but Ashton doesn’t know if there are actually feelings there. He doesn’t find himself staying up late writing beautiful words about him. He stays up late doing _other_ things while thinking about him, but he doesn’t think that’s what Calum’s talking about. Regardless, it’s something, he supposes. “I kind of have someone too.” 

“You do?”

“I don’t know.” Ashton shrugs, suddenly feeling years younger than he is. “Maybe?” 

Calum watches him silently for a moment before he’s smiling, arms winding themselves around Ashton’s waist. “Well, whoever it is, I’m sure they’ll stick around for you to figure it out. You’re worth the wait, Ashton.”

  
  
  


_May 1_

  


They’ve only been home for a little while, but Calum gets bored fast. He’s been spending a lot of time with his family, but he can only hang out with them for so long before he gets restless, missing being on the move constantly. It’s for that reason alone that he goes to Michael’s house to annoy his best friend of the past six years. 

Michael’s in the bathroom, head bent over the bathtub as he does something to his wet fringe. If Calum had to guess, based on the smell of the room and the odd position Michael’s in, he’d say that Michael’s dying hair yet again. From his place leaning against the doorframe, Calum casually says, “You’re gonna go bald,” and Michael jumps, turning around and glaring at Calum through hooded eyes. 

“How did you get in here?” he asks, uncertainty all over his face. 

“I’m sleeping over,” Calum tells him. “Karen let me in.” 

Though he doesn’t exactly look thrilled at the prospect of Calum invading his seldom alone time with a surprise sleepover, Michael rolls his eyes and gives in. “Fine.” He sticks his hands in the air, both covered in wet goop. “Help me take these gloves off so they don’t dye my hands green.” 

“No, they’ll dye _my_ hands green.” Calum doesn’t even get why Michael still insists on dying his own hair when they had access to a professional when they were on tour. It just seems like a waste of time and resources… and it looks _gross._

“So you came over to insult me and take up space in my bed?”

“I didn’t say you’d look _bad_ bald.” Calum bites his lip against calling out how sensitive Michael gets over the smallest things. He doesn’t think it’s going to help his case. “It’ll go great with your gothic look. Like Nosferatu.” He doesn’t do a very good job at holding back his giggles, and Michael flips him off with a green finger. 

As Michael leans over the tub, using the running water to rinse his hands clean as he strips himself of his gloves, Calum watches. There’s been something on his mind for the past few weeks since he talked to Luke that he wants to tell Michael, but he doesn’t know how. 

If Luke hasn’t spared much thought to being gay, that means he hasn’t spared much thought to being into Michael. That’s not say he never could or never would, but there’s nothing there yet - meaning all of the moments that Michael’s thought were romantic or special between the two of them were completely one sided. It’s been a bit of a war in Calum’s mind, trying to decide whether or not he wants to say anything about, and if there were ever a time to make the choice, it would be now. 

“Hey…” 

“Yes, hello.” Michael doesn’t look over to Calum, barely humors him, and continues to stare at the numbers ticking down on his phone - the timer he set to rinse his hair out. 

“Shut up.” He pauses, waiting for Michael to look at him, but he doesn’t turn until Calum mentions, “I talked to Luke the other day.” 

“Oh?” His head snaps up, finally taking things seriously now that his crush is involved.

The words are on the tip on Calum’s tongue. He wants so bad to tell Michael that Luke told him he’s not interested in anyone, that he’s not on Luke’s radar yet, but he just can’t say it when Michael looks that hopeful. It would absolutely crush him, and as much as Michael and Calum bicker, breaking his heart like this would be a step too far. “Did you, um. Did you know he prefers pink candy floss to blue? I told him that’s stupid, they taste the same, but he wouldn’t listen. Crazy, right?” 

Michael rolls his eyes, going back to looking at his phone as he leans back against the porcelain of his tub. “Of course I knew that.” His nose is a bit up in the air, and Calum bites back a comment on his possessiveness of even just _knowing_ things about Luke. “Remember that time we went to the school fair, and he left his money at home so I bought him pink candy floss? And then he let me have some too?” He sighs. “How could I forget?” 

“Ah, romance…” Calum says for lack of anything better, and Michael rolls his eyes. There’s a beeping from his phone and he looks up at Calum with a manic grin. 

“Come help me rinse this out.” 

“As you wish, Howie Mandel.” Calum doesn’t make it two steps into the bathroom before Michael’s throwing one of the gloves at him, squawking. 

“On second thought, get out of my house.” 

  
  
  


_May 8_

  


“Um… I don’t know.” Calum’s staring down at the piece of paper, nose scrunched up as he rereads what’s there. Luke completely agrees with him - he doesn’t even need to reread the words. 

Michael and Ashton came running into Luke’s bedroom shaking with excitement as they slammed a notebook down on the bed, insisting that Calum and Luke needed to read it immediately. Luke was thrilled for a moment, wanted to see what they’d come up with that had them on the edge of their toes, nearly breaking down Luke’s door with their arrival. His joy started to die down when he actually took a look at the words on the page. He doesn’t want to ruin all the faith they clearly have in this song, but it’s not very… good. 

“‘ _She’s a good girl_ ’,” Luke recites the first line on the page, “‘ _daddy’s favorite_ ’?” He looks up at Ashton and Michael as soon as he’s finished, hoping they’ll see what’s wrong, but they’re only grinning, both shades of green shining in pride. 

“Okay, on it’s own that line sounds a little funny,” Ashton tries to defend, hand flapping loosely, “but we think it really works when you add it in with the whole song.” 

_It doesn’t_ , Luke thinks to himself. He read the first verse in its entirety, and it only managed to get worse along the way. He knows he’s written some bad songs, and - not intending to be rude to his two best friends - Michael and Calum’s song _I Can’t Remember_ is probably some sort of prison torture method, but _Good Girls_ just might be the worst thing that’s happened in Luke’s bedroom. 

And he used to wet the bed as a kid. 

“Yeah, like,” Michael starts, head tilting as he thinks of a way to describe the song. “You know when you meet a girl and she seems all innocent and librarian-y but really she’s like… _not_?” 

“You’ve been watching too much porn,” Calum tells him. Luke tries not to blush at such a casual mention of porn. 

“Calum Hood,” Michael says, voice coming out a bit sharp. “You know that’s not the type of porn I - ” He coughs, cutting himself off, and when Luke looks at him, his eyes are already on Luke. “Nothing…” 

The room sits tensely for a moment, but then Calum’s sighing and closing the notebook. “Anyways, no, I don’t know that girl. Who is she?” 

Luke doesn’t know, either. He’s never met a girl that’s seemed innocent but then wasn’t. Or maybe he has, but he just hasn’t paid much attention to her. The song is just too specific to really reach out and be relatable like the other two clearly think it is. 

“No one, really,” Ashton answers. He shrugs as he picks up the notebook. “Could be anybody.” 

“Anyone who seems innocent but has a naughty side,” Michael adds, waggling his eyebrows. Calum _harrumphs_ in response, and Michael asks, “Hmph, what?” 

“I don’t know, I guess it just doesn’t feel very genuine.” Calum’s arms are crossed and his full lips are pouting slightly. He looks a little sceptical about the meaning behind the song. “Like, we’re writing based on no experiences. Does this person even exist?” 

“She’s a _concept_ ,” Ashton defends the song. He walks towards the bed, throwing his arm over Calum’s shoulder and pulling him against his chest. _“_ She doesn’t have to be real. We all write about people all the time and none of us are in love. You guys did it with _Heartbreak Girl_. Why is this any different?” 

Luke looks to Calum, knowing it must be tough for him to hear, that Ashton’s not in love. It must hurt, but Calum looks fine. He holds himself together well, voice only a little off when he concedes with a sigh. “Right. You’re right.” He drifts away from Ashton’s hold just slightly. “You guys have a melody or anything yet?” 

“The beginnings of one, yeah. Hang on.” Michael’s looking furiously around the room, finally lighting up when he sees Luke’s guitar leaning against his dresser. He goes to grab it, and Luke tries - unsuccessfully - to catch Calum’s downcast eyes. He knows Ashton’s words hit harder than he showing, but Luke wants to know how badly - he can’t tell if Calum’s okay. 

  
  
  


_May 22_

  


Michael respects the process, don’t for a moment think he doesn’t. He’s an artist, and he’ll do what he has to when it comes to making said art, but riding a roller coaster six times over is where he draws the fucking line. He knows the concept is cool, and it’s _sick_ that they were able to rent out the amusement park for this, but is it really worth having one cool video for _Try Hard_ if Michael’s never going to be able to function again. 

He doesn’t have _that_ weak of a stomach, he’s not _Luke_. He just can’t do roller coasters, just like he can’t do liquid medicine, tequila, or too much greasy food. He knows his limits, and this music video has overstepped his boundary by a mile. 

“Sorry guys,” he apologizes, holding back the urge to gag in everybody’s face as he steps out of the cart when they wrap their sixth ride. “I gotta take a break, I’ll be fine in a few, I just need my stomach to settle.” 

The director waves him off, turning to one of his computer monitors, and Calum starts walking backwards away from set. “Go ahead. Luke, wanna get popcorn?” 

Luke, miraculously, doesn’t look sick. It seems like it’s only nerves that make him that way - how he’s not nervous on this death trap is a question in and of itself, but Michael doesn’t have his wits about him enough to address that. All he knows is that he’s jealous, and he needs to take a seat. Ashton ends up following him over to a bench, plopping down next to him. 

“You okay?” 

Michael doesn’t mention that Ashton’s skin is unusually pale, that his mouth is twisted in a way that it usually never is. “Yeah, I’ll be good. I think.” He’s saying it more to assure himself than to answer Ashton. His world is still spinning, and he needs to distract himself. “Can I ask you something?”

“Shoot.” 

“Is it like...is it bad that I still feel kind of jealous?” He wonders out loud, letting his eyes drift to where Luke and Calum are approaching the popcorn vendor. “That we’re recording for another one of Luke and Calum’s songs?” 

“It’s not bad,” Ashton answers before the question is even finished. His voice sounds off, a little more strained than usual. “I’ll be honest, I’m a little jealous too. I think it’s the right single choice, but I get where you’re coming from.” 

“You do?” 

Michael looks over only to find Ashton already looking at him, eyebrows furrowed. “Yeah, how could I not?”

Hearing that Michael’s not alone in his jealousy takes a weight off of his chest. He’d spent the first half of the day silently fuming that not only did he have to ride a roller coaster, but that he had to do it so that Calum and Luke’s song could be sent out to the fans. He was being stupid, but knowing that Ashton was feeling a bit of animosity himself really helps ease Michael’s guilt. “I thought I was just being a brat.” 

“Not at all.” Ashton shakes his head and scooches an inch closer to Michael on the bench. “I’m happy with the song choices, and I like what we’re doing with the band, but it does make me wonder if maybe I’m like, less talented at writing. I don’t know.” 

“Yeah, same.” Michael sighs, knowing exactly how he feels. Ashton reaches out and squeezes Michael’s hand. Michael squeezes it back before letting go and fiddling with a splinter on the bench. “Okay, let’s say something. You gotta pinky promise me.”

He holds out his pinky and Ashton’s head tilts a bit in confusion. “What?” 

“The next song we write together… _that’s_ gonna be the big one. It’s gonna be the one people talk about. We’re gonna write something unforgettable.” 

“ _Deal_.” 

Ashton latches his pinky to Michael’s and they shake in agreement, making Michael’s head spin a bit. “Oh. I might throw up.” 

“I’d hold your hair back for you, if you did,” Ashton promises, letting go of Michael to weave a hand through his hair. 

“Don’t be stupid, Ash,” Michael shakes his head, which only makes things worse. “I have short hair, I’ll be fine.” 

“Okay, well then, I’ll hold your - ” 

Ashton pulls his hand from Michael’s hair, his thumb catching just slightly on a knot, making Michael’s head bob. The subtle movement has his stomach turning the wrong way, and he’s wretching himself off the bench and away from Ashton. “You’ll hold that thought.” He runs to the nearest trash can and lets out all his frustration and breakfast. 

He’s never going on another roller coaster ever again. 

  
  
  


_June 5_

  


The _Pants Down Tour_ is incredible, and it’s only just begun. They just finished playing their second show, and Michael feels more alive than he ever has. The crowd was actually singing their lyrics back to them! They’d only played half of them one time before - at their first show - but their fans were so dedicated, watching the videos others had posted online, that they knew the words to the songs. 

There’s a rush of adrenaline running through his veins and sparking brightly in his body, and he doesn’t know what to do with himself. This is even better than the time they finished writing _Greenlight_ , this is so much more than when they got the news they’d be writing with Alex from _All Time Low_ \- this is something between the four of them and their fans, and Michael feels like he could run across the South Pacific Ocean right now. 

It’s just he and Calum alone in the green room now, both slipping away before the Tour Manager could get his hands on them - Luke and Ashton weren’t so lucky. Michael and Calum are hopping around the green room, neither able to sit still as the excitement shakes their bodies. 

“They were singing, Cal!” Michael yells. He reaches out and grabs Calum’s hands, spinning them around in a circle. “Singing back to us!! Words we wrote!” 

“I know!” Calum turns easily, body going where Michael leads it. He’s swaying a bit on his feet, getting too close to Michael one moment and too far the next, like he doesn’t know where he’s supposed to stand.

“We're amazing! _You're_ amazing!” Michael flies even higher at the compliment, falling back onto the couch and bringing Calum with him, both giggling and making weird noises in their jubilance. 

He doesn't even think about it, when he kisses Calum, it just seems right in the moment, and he needs an outlet for his restless energy. So he leans forward and captures Calum’s lips between his for the third time in the course of their friendship. His brain catches up with his mouth, and he leans back a little bit, almost shocked at himself. Calum’s frozen as well, frowning for a moment before leaning back in and initiating another kiss. 

It feels natural, somehow, for them to do this. They’re close friends, they’ve been traveling around the world, and Michael _missed_ kissing. Plus Calum’s lips are thick and soft and _nice_ , and even though he uses a bit too much tongue at first, he follows Michael’s lead and it starts to get good. 

When it starts to get a little heavier, both of them panting, Calum’s hands gripping at Michael’s denim-covered thighs, both of them starting to get hard, the realization of where they are and who can walk in hits, and Michael pulls away. Calum whines and goes back in for it, but Michael stops him by cupping his cheek. He thumbs at Calum’s swollen bottom lip and searches for an escape - he finds it in the closet door. 

“C’mon…” Michael pulls Calum to his feet, and he follows easily, body pliant even with as worked up as they are. They make it to the closet, the door closing behind them and amplifying the echo of their laboured breathing. “Do you, um, you want to - ”

“Yeah,” Calum cuts him off leaning against a clear place on the wall, hand tight and sweaty in Michael’s grip as he pulls him forward. “Keep going, yeah.” 

Michael falls back in, unable to stop himself from moaning when Calum’s mouth is already open for him, wet and eager. It should be weird, making out with his best friend, but when Calum’s tongue licks behind his teeth as his hand grips at Michael’s side - he feels nothing but desire. He can’t stop letting out a string of incoherent whines; the only sound competing with them being _Calum’s_ moans, airy and hungry. 

It’s good but Michael needs _more_. He’s the hardest he’s ever been, and if doesn’t get off soon, he’s afraid he might just die of blue balls. He pushes his hips forward once before stuttering out, “I… fuck, can I…” He grinds a little more, this time coming in contact with Calum, who just whimpers and punches his own hips forward. “Is that okay? Are you - ”

“ _Good_ ,” Calum’s voice comes out deep, and it’s actually really hot to hear, Michael thrust against him, unable to stop now that he’s started. “It's good, I need - ”

He cuts himself off with a whimper, but Michael nods, knowing exactly what he needs. They’re not close enough to really get off, so Michael taps his waist. “Lift your- lift your leg up a little.” Calum picks his left leg up, but it doesn’t feel right so Michael shakes his head. “No, the right one. Kinda wrap it around my leg. Yeah. _Yeah._ ” 

With the new leverage now that their bodies are flush together, Michael can get at Calum even harder, gyrating his lower half without much finesse, chasing the hottest pressure his dick’s ever had. He’s never really done anything like this before, and neither has Calum. The last person Michael was close with was some girl at a club during their last day of the UK tour with One Direction, and they had barely kissed before he started whining about wanting to find Luke. 

This is _so_ much better than that. 

“This…” Calum’s broken voice cuts off with a whine as his nails scratch at Michael’s back where they’re wrapped around his torso. “This doesn’t mean anything, right?” 

“Right, right.” Michael doesn’t particularly feel like talking right now. He just nods, punching his hips harder. 

“Cause I still, _oh,_ I still like - ” 

“Shut _up,_ Calum.” Sick of hearing him talk, and not wanting to hear Ashton’s name when his dick is leaking, Michael leans forward and kisses Calum again. Only this time, he knows there’s no technique there. It’s sloppy and hot, and they’re basically just panting into each other’s mouths. 

Any moment now, Michael’s going to cum in his fucking pants like an idiot, but he doesn’t care. It all feels like heaven, and he needs to tell Calum, to warn him, but Calum ends up beating him to it. “I’m, fuck, Mikey, I’m sorry, I’m gonna…” 

“Yeah, yeah, me too, just need to -” He’s cut off by Calum going stiff against him, shuddering as whimpers through his orgasm. His nails bite into Michael’s skin, and it sets Michael off. He thrusts against him a few more times before his mouth is dropping open and he’s spilling into his briefs. 

It’s silent afterwards, both too sensitive to make a move, just breathing hard into the open air between them as they try to recover. They’re broken apart not soon after by the sound of Ashton’s voice yelling out from the hallway. Calum jumps away from him with wide eyes and tumbles out of the closet before Ashton can come in and see them leave it together. 

Michael’s left standing there wondering what the fuck just happened, and why he doesn’t feel as upset as he should. 

  
  
  


_June 10_

  


Despite living in each other’s pockets for the past six months, it’s impossible for the band to be apart for too long. Luke woke up this afternoon to Michael wrapped around his body, having snuck in some time before lunch.Ashton made his way over around four, and now they were just waiting for Calum, who’s having a goodbye dinner with his parents. 

Tomorrow they fly out to start the American leg of the Take Me Home Tour with One Direction, and they can’t wait even the twelve hours before their flight to see each other. Luke’s mom had called it codependency, but Luke thinks it’s more than that. They’re all best friends, and they thrive in each other’s company. 

Well… _usually_ they do. Lately, Michael and Calum have been acting a little off with each other. It’s not like they’re being mean or angry to the other. It’s just the opposite, actually. They’re super cordial with each other, always failing to meet the other’s eyes, not making obvious jokes when they usually would - it’s _odd_. 

Until Calum gets here, and Luke can see if they’ve finally gotten over their awkwardness, they’re sitting in Luke’s bedroom playing stupid games to pass the time. It reminds Luke of when the band first started, when all they had to worry about was what song they’d cover next, and if Ashton would ever get over his dislike of Calum. 

“No, dude,” Micahel’s scoffing, throwing a sock from Luke’s floor at Ashton. “You can only take _three things_ with you on the island.” 

Ashton frowns and crosses his arms. “And I’m telling you, one of my things would be zucchini seeds!” 

Luke must’ve been zoning out for that part of the conversation because he doesn’t recall something that weird having been said. “What the fuck, Ashton.” 

“I’m being smart!” He throws his arms out, tone defensive as he tries to justify his reasoning for the item. “If I just bring whole zucchinis they’ll rot so fast.” 

“Why do you need zucchini at all?” Michael asks what Luke was thinking. 

“Because it’s my favorite vegetable, duh?” Ashton’s looking at Michael like it’s the most obvious thing on the planet, and it makes Luke, not for the first time, question the amount of stake he put into Ashton’s maturity and intelligence a year and a half ago. 

Calum walks in then, not wearing a coat or shoes. “ _Boys,_ ” he says, bowing exaggeratedly and falling down into Ashton’s lap. Ashton doesn’t even blink at the weight of him, easily wrapping his arms around Calum’s middle. 

Luke notices Michael is very pointedly _not_ looking at Calum, and Calum’s saying something to Ashton, making sure to face away from Michael. It’s tense, even if everybody’s pretending it’s not, and it’s going to be uncomfortable being in a band if they can’t act like normal. 

During the game, Michael was the one to ask everyone the questions, but when he doesn’t make an effort to address Calum, Luke knows it’s up to him. “Calum. You can bring three things onto a desert island with you, what are they?”

Without stopping for even a moment to think, Calums starts listing them off, tapping each finger as he goes. “A dog, my bass, and Tom Daley.” 

“Tom Daley?” From behind Calum, Ashton’s eyebrows raise. As Calum nods, Ashton’s arms visibly tighten around his waist. “What would Tom Daley do for you?” 

“What if it got cold and I needed body heat to warm me?” Calum justifies his answer. “I’m not choosing like… Luke.” 

“Hey!” It takes a second for the insult to hit but when it does, Luke frowns until Calum blows him a kiss. He shrugs it off. “At least you wouldn’t bring vegetable seeds.” 

Calum’s nose scrunches, and he looks around, eyes skillfully gliding past Michael. “Who would choose vegetable seeds?” 

“Me!”

At Ashton’s admittal, Calum’s face loses the disgust, and he’s grinning, hand squeezing at Ashton’s wrist where it’s sitting around his body. “Oh. Good choice!” 

It’s so predictable of him that Luke has to roll his eyes. It’s been so long of him being Ashton’s Yes Man, and nothing has come of it. Sometimes Luke thinks maybe Ashton has the same feelings back for Calum, but maybe they’re just really good friends. Maybe this is how Ashton acts when he’s completely comfortable with a person - it’s not very clear. 

“I gotta go to the bathroom,” Michael says suddenly, getting up and heading out of the room without waiting for anybody to respond. 

Luke looks over to see Calum shrugging before reaching down to his pocket. When he comes up empty, his eyes go wide and he’s ripping himself free of Ashton’s hold. “Shit, I think I dropped my phone downstairs. I’ll be right back.” He makes his way out of the room as well, feet thundering down the steps as his voice echoes, ‘ _Liz! Have you seen a phone!?’_

Not wasting a moment, Luke turns to Ashton. “They’re acting weird, right? Around each other?” 

“Super weird,” Ashton agrees. He leans forward, resting his arms on his knees. “I’ve never seen them like this before. Michael barely even looked at Calum the last five minutes.” 

“Have you asked either of them what’s going on?” 

Ashton shakes his head, eyes glancing to the door every few seconds to make sure they’re still alone. “Nah. I’ve been kinda hoping it’ll go back to normal.” Luke’s been hoping the same thing, but at this rate, they’ll be ninety before Calum even looks directly at Michael again. 

“Should we?” Luke wonders out loud. “Ask? What if it’s something to do with - ”

Michael and Calum get back to the door at the same time, and their arms accidentally brush. They both whisper ‘sorry’ to each other. Before sulking back into the room. It’s _definitely_ not normal, and the rest of the night doesn’t get any better. 

  
  
  


_June 16_

  


Ashton’s well aware of how annoying he’s being, but they’re playing at the _KFC Yum! Center_ in Kentucky, and if he doesn’t make all the chicken jokes he can, then who will? Besides, it’s his God given right having slaved away in that terrible restaurant for as long as he did. And he’s being taunted. There’s buckets of KFC in their backstage room. Colonel Sanders is everywhere. Ashton’s allowed to be annoying. 

They’re in the greenroom after soundcheck, having decided against going back to the hotel, and they’ve been trying to decide what to do for a little bit. It didn’t take much debate for the other three to decide they wanted to joust with the ripped up foam from Michael’s new guitar case, but they need Ashton to join in so they can play it piggy-back style. 

Only, Ashton isn’t done making chicken jokes. 

“Ashton!” Calum yells, foot stomping impatiently. “Come fight with us!” Luke’s already on Michael’s back, ready to duel, and Calum’s jumping up and down as he waits. 

“I will in a sec,” Ashton promises, wanting to get at least one more good one in before they get sick of him and kick him out. “Can you come here? I can’t find my drumsticks.” Calum looks worried and bounds over to him, looking around the sitting area with him. “Oh! Found them!” He holds up two chicken drumsticks from the bucket, and it’s worth it if only for how hard Calum laughs. Satisfied with the result, Ashton puts the chicken down, shaking his head, then turns his back to Calum, inviting him on. “Alright, hop on, pup.” 

Calum happily climbs on Ashton’s back, wielding his foam weapon, and Ashton runs them over to Michael and Luke who have unamused expressions on their faces from Ashton’s joke. Once they’re all in front of each other, the fighting commences as it always does, Calum and Luke making weird noises at each other as they attempt to poke at whatever body part is free, whilst Michael and Ashton try to stay upright. 

“Get back, you dog!” Luke yells after they’ve been going a bit too rough for a moment. He stabs Calum with the foam and Calum swerves back, Ashton’s feet shuffling to keep up with the movement, and Calum’s shoulder bumps into the wall next to them. 

“ _Ow_!” Calum giggles through the nudge, so Ashton knows he’s fine, but the idea of Calum being hurt makes worry bubble in his stomach, so he sets Calum down, not able to continue with the game. 

“I need water,” he excuses himself, not sure why he feels so bad. He makes his way to the water bottles, grabbing one and chugging half of it before he turns back around. Michael’s at the chicken table, stuffing his face, and Luke’s right there beside him. Calum stays leaning against the wall, rubbing his shoulder where he hit the wall. The worry increases tenfold and he makes his way back over. “Hey, are you okay?”

It’s funny, he thinks, that he’s so fucking concerned about the smallest bump. Luke hit his head pretty hard yesterday on a couch arm, and Ashton barely noticed. Once Luke was back on his face, Ashton was gone, completely forgetting about it. But for some reason, he feels much more protective of Calum. 

“Huh?” Calum looks up from his arm. “Oh, I’m totally fine. Might have a bruise, but it wasn’t too bad.” He’s wearing a shirt that covers the part of his shoulder that got hurt, so Ashton can’t see the damage, but he still feels bad for not holding onto Calum properly. Calum sees him frowning and raises his eyebrows. “Ashton, seriously, I’m fine. I’m a big boy, I don’t need anyone to kiss it better.” 

Ashton considers him for a second and then kisses two of his fingers and presses them to Calum’s skin. “Just in case.” 

Calum snorts and shakes his head, but Ashton can tell he’s smiling. He grins and takes a swig of his water and listens to Calum start talking about a conspiracy involving Colonel Sanders. He’s so weird sometimes, but Ashton kind of loves it. 

  
  
  


_June 18_

  


“‘ _Torn in two, and I know I shouldn’t tell you, but I just can’t stop thinking of you, wherever you are_ ’ …” Ashton sings, trying to adjust the lyrics Luke just laid out in front of him. “Except Ohio, am I right?” 

“That’s perfect!” Luke scribbles something out and writes ‘ _torn in two_ ’ over it instead. He leaves out the ending part, but still laughs at the joke. “And you’re right. This state is nothing.” 

“A cornfield of nothing…” 

They’re playing a show in Ohio tonight, and instead of going out and exploring, like they’ve been accustomed to do while visiting the ‘States for the first time in their lives, they’ve decided to stay in and write this time around because of just how _boring_ Ohio is. It’s really reduced them to fixing up a song Luke had base lyrics for. 

“Okay, what about in the bridge,” Luke asks. “‘ _You can say we’ll be together, someday, nothing would be better, and we would be okay’_?”

It makes sense for the sentence, but not for the tone of the song. It sounds good, though, and it has the potential to be amazing. “Almost. It’s almost there.”

“I wish Calum was here,” Luke sighs, and Ashton repeats the sentiment. “He’d know what to do for this part.” 

“You know what would be wicked? Finally having all four of our names credited on a song. With no one else, just us four.” 

“It could be _this_ one.” He shakes his head, nose scrunching in. “If Michael and Calum would sort out whatever weird issues they have right now. Being alone in a room with them is so awkward right now. Michael reached for the guacamole today and Calum did at the same time and Michael said ‘ _after you’._ ” Ashton raises his eyebrows. “ _After you_ , Ashton. I’m not even shitting you.” 

Ashton holds in his giggle as best he can. “Oh, you’re not shitting me?” 

“I’m not!” Luke throws his hands up. “We need to make them talk this out somehow.” 

They _really_ do. The dynamics of the group have been off the past month since Michael and Calum haven’t been talking to each other, and every time Ashton goes to bring it up, the words freeze in his throat. It’s not really their place to lecture them, but _something_ needs to be done before it tears the band apart completely. “Lukey, I’m all over that. Just tell me what you need from me.” 

“I have to plan it?”

“Sure do,” Ashton grins. Luke pouts, but Ashton refuses to come up with the idea himself. He doesn’t think he could figure out a way to get them to talk things through without locking them in a room. Luke’s definitely going to come up with something better. 

  


_June 30_

  


When Calum walks on the bus after having just finished eating the provided lunch in the venue, the last thing he expects is to be manhandled by Ashton and hauled towards the back - not that he’s really complaining at all, but the shock of it has him crying out. “ _Ah_! Why!” 

It’s then that Calum notices Luke standing by the door at the back of the bus, motioning for Ashton to hurry up, so Calum begins struggling, completely lost on what’s happening and why he’s being dragged to his doom. When they get to the end of the bus, Luke opens the door to the lounge, and Ashton gently places him inside before Luke slides the door closed and the _click_ of the lock sounds through the door. 

“Guys! Why!” He knocks repeatedly at the door until he gets tired of not getting a response. He turns around only to see Michael sitting on the couch, arms crossed and glaring at him. “ _Oh._ ”

“Luke says we aren’t allowed out until we ‘resolve our issues’.” He unfolds his arms to gesture air quotes as he says the last three words. 

Calum can feel himself worrying a bit. He thought he and Michael were subtle enough that nobody would notice anything was wrong since they - “Does he um… _know_ what the issues are?” 

“God,” Michael says, voice shift to a whisper as he leans forward in seat. “Of course not.” 

With a nod, Calum makes his way to the couch, sitting down on the opposite end to keep his distance. “And Ashton?” he whispers back. 

“Why would I tell either of them?” Michael’s face is beet red, and Calum knows his isn’t any better. They haven’t talked to each other since the second show of their mini tour, and this is exactly why - it’s _uncomfortable_. “It’s embarrassing.” 

“Hey,” Calum frowns, voice ticking up angrily for a second. “I’m a delicacy.” 

Michael snorts. “Yeah, okay.” 

“Are you…” A bubble of worry forms itself in Calum’s stomach that maybe the reason they haven’t talked to each other isn’t because it’s weird, but because maybe Michael absolutely hated it… “It was nice, though, wasn’t it?” 

For a moment, Michael stays silent. But then he’s sighing, head falling into his palms. “Yeah, it was nice. It was really nice” 

“Would you do it again?” Calum asks. He’s not getting any action anywhere else, and Michael’s objectively an attractive guy. It wouldn’t mean anything, but Calum would absolutely do it again. 

“Would you?”

“It doesn’t mean anything, right?” It’s not supposed to be an answer just yet, Calum’s trying to play his cards close to his chest, but based on the hooded look Michael gives him, he’s admitted to wanting to do it again. “It’s just a way to like… relieve stress?” 

“Yeah, of course,” Michael nods along. 

This definitely isn’t how Calum saw this going, with a promise of another time, but based on how good it felt the first go around, he isn’t opposed to having another. “I, um. I would. Yeah.” 

“Yeah?” Michael looks incredibly hopefully, and for a moment Calum thinks he’s going to lean in, that they’re going to hook up again in the back lounge with their bandmates and love interests on the other side of the door. But then Michael bites his lip, and Calum realizes they can’t. Not now. Not like this. 

“Yeah,” Calum agrees. “But we need rules.” Michael nods along, but doesn’t say anything, so Calum holds his index finger up to count them off. “First, we tell no one.” 

“Obviously.” 

Ignoring Michael’s interruption, Calum puts up a second finger. “Second, we only do it when we really need to. Not just whenever. “ As nice as it would be to hook up whenever they wanted to, whenever the monotony of a hand in the shower gets boring, Calum knows that that’s not what this is about. This is for the times that they’re desperate - like that one time Ashton wore his glasses when they were playing a throw away game of football, and he was sweating through his singlet… 

Calum almost sprained his wrist that night. 

“Agreed.” Michael’s looking at him with open, earnest eyes, and Calum has faith that this could really work out. “Anything else?” 

“We’re best friends again,” Calum finalizes, a third finger joining the other two in the air. He puts them down and smiles sadly. “I miss you.”

Michael beams at him, “Me too.” He holds out his pinky, and Calum links it with his, the two of them shaking on it. They haven’t even let go before Michael’s loud voice is shouting, “LET US OUT NOW, YOU FUCKS. WE’VE RE-BONDED.” 

  
  
  


_July 5_

  


The most food Luke’s ever eaten in his life was Christmas dinner when he was twelve years old. They’d gone to Queensland to visit his cousins, and there was an entire feast set in front of them. Nobody was monitoring what he ate, so he had three servings of everything. He couldn’t button his pants for three days after that, and he made a promise to himself that night that he’d never eat more than he did that Christmas. It’s a promise he’s kept for the past four and a half years…

Until today that is. 

They’re in Miami, and they’ve just eaten the biggest burger in the entire world. From the moment they described the burger, Luke knew it was a bad idea. It was the size of ten Ashtons - _including_ his hands - and it was drenched in grease. Even with Ashton’s giant appetite, they still lost, so the pain of digesting the food isn’t even worth it. 

Though, Luke’s proud to say he’s not taking it worse than Michael. They’re in the car, nearly back to the hotel, and Michael’s face is a greenish-pale as he stares at the window, eyes cloudy and fighting against closing. This is all a disaster Luke’s experienced time and time again before every show they play, so he knows how to be a comfort in this type of situation. 

“Not that far now, Mikey,” He says quietly, hand reaching up to rub at Michael’s back. “You feeling okay?” Michael nods, but he doesn’t say anything, just keeping his line of sight focused on the city passing by. 

When they get to the hotel, Michael perches himself at the edge of the bed and stares at the floor. His entire body looks like it’s one cut thread away from crashing to the floor, and he doesn’t get any better when Calum throws himself on the bed with a sigh. 

“I’ll never eat again,” he complains, moving around a bit to get more comfortable. Luke keeps his focus solely on Michael, hoping he can handle the bit of extra movement. 

Everything looks like it might be going alright until Ashton groans in agreement, “I think I might be dead,” before throwing himself on the bed next to Calum. 

Michael’s eyes go wide and he’s racing to the bathroom. He had no hope after so much food, but the extra movement really didn’t help. 

“Uh oh,” Calum comments. 

“I knew it.” Ashton’s lying back on the bed with an arm thrown over his eyes, but there’s still something smug about his tone. “Michael’s delicate, he’s not built for the meat sweats.” 

Neither of them make an effort to see how he’s doing, and Luke frowns. Nobody’s feeling good right now, but Michael’s clearly got it the worst. He goes to the bathroom door and knocks twice hesitantly. “Mikey? Can I come in?” 

There’s a beat, a groan, and then Michael’s croaking pitifully, “Only if you want to watch me die painfully.” Taking it as a yes, Luke goes in. Michael’s sitting by the toilet, hands almost wrapped around the porcelain, looking absolutely miserable. Luke goes to sit on the other side of the toilet, leaning his back against the wooden cabinets of the sink. “How do you do this all the time?” 

“What, eat too much burger?” Luke asks as a joke. 

“No, _puke._ ” Michael’s voice is a whine that Luke’s never heard from him before. _“_ I watch you do this before every show like its nothing. Luke, I don’t even feel human right now”

Luke snorts. “I’m used to it.” He’s had an anxious stomach ever since he can remember - throwing up when nerves got the best of him or when he overdid something he shouldn’t have. The only reason the burger isn’t hitting him like it is Michael is because he’s trained for this. If it wasn’t for his Queensland Christmas dinner, Luke knows for certain he’d be right alongside Michael trying to make friends with the toilet bowl. 

Suddenly Michael groans and leans his head down against the toilet. It’s disgusting, but based on how bad he’s sweating with the torture his body is putting him through, he’ll have to take a shower anyway. The cold porcelain is probably helping him more than the hotel germs are harming him. 

“Luke!” The loud yell accompanied by Ashton’s fist pounding on the bathroom door makes them both jump, head’s snapping from the toilet to the closed door. “Come help us stack these marshmallows!” 

The audacity of them to ignore their friend in pain makes Luke more upset than it would if it were Calum or Ashton in here, and he doesn’t know why. He doesn’t have time to think about it know, too busy trying to help his friend through this pain. “I can’t! Go away! Michael’s dying.” 

Ashton harrumphs and leaves. Luke can hear him and Calum laughing in the room. He would never leave Michael when he’s feeling this bad. Michael’s sat with him countless times when he gets sick before shows, and he’s doing the same for him. It’s what friends do for each other. 

“You gotta distract yourself or you’ll just keep thinking about how sick you feel,” Luke advises, his hand absentmindedly weaving itself through Michael’s hair. “Talk to me.” 

“I can’t.” Michael shakes his head before groaning and he’s resting it against the seat again. “I can’t think.” 

“Come on.” He thinks of anything he can to get Michael to talk. “What color do you want your hair next?” 

It takes a few seconds, but he can see Michael latch onto the subject and start thinking. A bit of pride lights in Luke’s chest to be the one that got him there as Michael decides, “I think blond.” 

“Like you were before?” Luke asks. He could definitely get behind that. To be fair, he’d look great with _any_ hair. He’s got the kind of face that can make anything work. 

“Ew, no.” Even with the disgust in his voice and the illness on his face, Michael still manages to laugh the slightest bit. “Like platinum. White blond. Like Billy Idol.” 

“That would look really nice,” Luke says automatically, but once he gives himself a moment to picture it, he thinks it would look _amazing_. 

“Really?” Michael lifts his head up to smile shyly at Luke, but then he groans again, eyes closing too tight. “I’m done with food. I’m becoming a… food nun.” 

A shocked laugh comes from Luke’s mouth, loud and surprised. “A what?” 

“Nuns can’t fuck. Food nuns can’t eat. That’s me” 

“I’ll visit you in church,” Luke giggles. 

“Smuggle in my Xbox,” Michael asks, but he’s smiling. 

“Can do.” The funny moment is brief, coming to an end when Michael groans again, this time a gag shaking his entire body as nothing comes up. It’s going to be a long night, but Luke doesn’t really mind. 

  
  
  


_July 11_

  


They’re supposed to be writing, Michael knows. The reason they left the hotel, that they left Luke and Calum alone playing Mario Kart, was so that Michael and Ashton could go somewhere quiet and write together, maybe finally finish the secret song they’ve been crossing their fingers will be the next big one. Instead, they’re in a shopping center in downtown Toronto, mindlessly shopping for nonsense items. 

There’s a stack of plastic My Little Pony cups in his hand, and he wants them. More than wants, really. “I need these.” 

“Those are pretty cute,” Ashton says, swiping them from Michael’s hand and throwing them in their basket. He looks up at Michael with a toothy smile. “Just like you!” 

Michael preens at the compliment, feeling like floating at such simple words, but he’s got a self-imposed mission today, to be Calum’s wingman. It’s coming up on two whole years of Calum liking Ashton, and nothing’s come of it. It’s about time something does, so as Michael continues browsing the shelves, Ashton just a step behind him, he casually broaches the topic. “You know who’s probably the cutest of all of us?” He asks. “Calum.” 

It’s a lie, the answer is Luke, but he can’t say that when he’s trying to be a good friend. 

“Calum?” Ashton asks, eyes focused on where Michaels playing with the label of a set of collectible socks. “Yeah, he’s pretty adorable.” Michael internally cheers that at the very least, Ashton doesn’t think Calum’s ugly.

“Hey, how do you feel about this?” Ashton holds up a white sweater with a dragon on it. “You could pull this off.” 

“You think so?” 

“You could probably pull anything off,” he says with a smirk. 

“ _Stoooop_ .” Michael’s not stupid, he knows he’s flirting, but what Calum doesn’t know won’t hurt him - it’s not like it’s going anywhere anyway. Also, in Michael’s completely unbiased opinion, Ashton’s cute, and it feels nice to have someone think _he’s_ cute, too. So he flirts back a little sometimes. He’s not a bad person though, and he persists. “I heard you and Calum were working on another song. Is that true?” 

Lately they’ve added _Voodoo Doll_ to their setlist after Calum and Ashton finished writing it in May, and it’s incredible live. He’s a little jealous that he wasn’t apart of it - that Ashton’s first big successful song was without Michael - but it’s so _good_ he can’t be anything but happy to be apart of the band playing it. 

“Yeah, I can’t wait to show you,” Ashton nods. “I think it’s a really good one.” 

“I bet it is.” There’s a beat of silence between them, neither saying anything, so Michael decides to throw Calum in again. “You’re both great writers.” 

“Thanks.” There’s a slight pink hue to Ashton’s cheeks and his eyes are downcast. “It helps to have a little motivation. For the love songs?” 

Michael sucks in a shallow breath. If Ashton has a muse, that must mean he’s closer to Calum than Michael first thought. “You have motivation?” 

“I might…” 

“Well, I hope it works out.” Michael grins and then goes back to looking at the shelves. He hears Ashton sigh a little next to him, and he hopes he’s done his job and that Ashton is thinking about Calum. 

  
  
  


_July 21_

  


Houston is probably the hottest place outside of Sydney that they’ve ever played, but it only made things that much more incredible. Usually the heat makes Luke feel sick, but Michaael was electric onstage tonight, and Luke couldn’t help but gravitate towards him, playing off his energy and laughing with him through nearly every song. 

When their set ends and they’re herded offstage, Michael gets a running start, Luke choosing a much more languid exit as he waves goodbye to the people on the left side of the crowd. As soon as Luke goes to make his way down the hallway to the greenroom, he’s stopped by a shout. “Hey!” Luke stops and turning around to see one of the sound engineers walking after him with something in his hand. “Your boyfriend dropped this.” He’s holding a familiar black wallet with the _Final Fantasy_ symbol on the front, and Luke knows right away it’s Michael’s. 

“My boyfriend?” he asks, not sure he heard the man correctly. 

“Yeah! Guy with the platinum hair?” He lifts his hand, gesturing to his own mop of black hair. “He dropped it on his way out, thought you could give it to him.” 

He’s being friendly, even with his misunderstanding, so Luke smiles at him. “Um, thanks!” He walks off, holding Michael’s wallet in his hand, and the man’s words ringing around in his head. He walks into the greenroom, wondering why in the world he thought Michael would be his boyfriend. 

“Hey, you dropped this,” he says, handing him the wallet and taking a seat on the couch next to Luke. 

“Thanks, Lukey!” After putting the wallet in his pocket, Michael hugs Luke and snuggles into him. Luke snuggles him back, but he can’t help but wonder if this is something friends do. 

  
  
  


_August 3_

  


Usually, Ashton loves the idea of Twitcams. He thinks it’s a cool way to talk to the fans without having to leave the hotel room at all. On any other day he’d be having a great time goofing off with the boys in the giant inner tube Luke randomly bought in town last week, but for some reason, Calum’s really getting on his nerves today. 

He considers himself closest to Calum, he does, but after they’ve all fit themselves in the inner tube together, Ashton wants them to get just a little bit more serious. He wants to look professional, like an _adult_ band, one that’s committed to their music and their career. It’s a little hard to do that when Calum’s being a nuisance. He’s goofing off in the background as Ashton’s trying to talk with the camera about serious stuff and just being plain _annoying_. At one point Calum, gets his whole ass out and moons the camera. It’s funny to a point, but Ashton’s trying to address some consequential topics, and it’s hard to stay on track with the distractingly soft-looking skin right behind him.

By the time Calum accidentally spits in his eye, Ashton’s had enough. Calum’s behind him with Luke, trying to fit in the inner tube again, and when Calum Calum kicks at Ashton’s tailbone, he cracks, spanking him twice with a heavy hand. He doesn’t even think about it, doesn’t realize he’s done anything at all until Calum asks, “Did you just spank me?” 

“Stop being a dick!” Ashton yells back, his only excuse for why he did. 

“Spank me again!”

Honestly, he feels like he should’ve known it wouldn’t have done anything at all. Calum’s such a laid back person that his demeanor isn’t going to change just because of a few hits. “Get involved in the Twitcam!” Calum gets up and faces the camera, and Ashton slaps his dick for good measure.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem to work. Calum keeps acting up, and the rest of the Twitcam is spent with Ashton wondering what one Earth has gotten into him. 

  
  
  


_August 3_ ( _Later_ )

  


Calum’s leg won’t stop jiggling. He’s been sitting restlessly in the back lounge with the band for the past six minutes, trying to give the illusion that he’s altogether there, but he fucking isn’t. Ever since Ashton spanked him during the Twitcam earlier that day, he’s been hard in his pants. He managed to hide it from view for the entire time they were on camera, but he couldn’t erase the feeling from his mind. 

It’s not like… it’s not a _thing_. He just hasn’t had much alone time lately, and Ashton’s hand was big on his bum, and - 

“I’m beat,” he says, standing up abruptly. He can’t take it anymore, can’t take the way Ashton’s arms look in his singlet and the slight sheen of sweat he’s gotten from the walk back to the tour bus in the hot sun… He needs to get off. He fake yawns, but he knows it’s not convincing when Michael gives him a suspicious look. 

“Already?” Luke asks, eyebrows furrowed as he glances at his phone. “It’s only nine.” 

“Long day, Lukey.” 

Michael clears his throat, standing up as well. “I, um, I might go to sleep too.” 

“That makes more sense,” Luke says with a snort. “Sweet dreams, gramps.” 

Not bothering to stick around and listen to the end of the conversation, Calum speeds off to his bunk, ripping his shirt off along the way. He pulls his curtain shut after climbing in, and barely has enough time to strip down to his boxers before they’re being pulled open and Michael climbs inside. “Mike, what are you - ”

“When we really need it, right?” he checks, small smirk on his lips. Calum lets the words play in his head and then he realizes - their pact. It’s been two months since they last got off together, not having much of an urgency for it, but right now… he _really_ needs it. 

With an eager nod, Calum pulls the door curtain shut as Michael settles between Calum’s legs. He tugs at Michael’s shirt, urging it off before pulling him in and letting their tongues meet. It’s been too long since he’s felt anything other than his own hand, so when Michael first thrusts against him, it’s absolute heaven. He has to bite into Michael’s bottom lip to keep from crying out. 

As their bodies work against each other, Calum’s hands slipping along Michael’s bare back, his hips moving in a circular motion against his best friend, he lets his mind wander to Ashton, to how it felt when he hit his ass today, how much harder he got when his dick was slapped after that. His mind is a spiral of filthy thoughts that have him leaking in his boxers. 

“Fuck.” Michael’s voice is choked, his body sliding perfectly between Calum’s legs. “I just… Cal - ”

Not letting him finish, Calum shushes him, reaching up and kissing him silent. He has the perfect image in his head of it being Ashton above him, moving his narrow hips so effortlessly against Calum’s. He can feel Michael’s dick through his pants where it rubs against him in the nicest rhythm, and it’s probably the hottest he’s ever felt in his life. He begins to think that maybe this can really happen, maybe he could be content like this - loving Ashton and getting off with Michael. 

With Ashton and Luke so close by, the two are trying to keep their whines and moans muffled in each other’s mouths so they don’t get caught - something that makes Calum’s dick _throb_ in his boxer, twitching with the thought that Ashton could find them in this position, could find him under another person, about to cum, looking the way he does.

As he’s getting close to cumming, Michael’s punching little “ _ah, ah ah’s_ ” out of him with how hard they’re working against each other, and he’s trying not to make it obvious that he feels like he’s about to finish them up with Ashton’s name every single time “ _Ah, ah,_ I’m, fuck, I’m about to - ”

It’s Michael that comes first this time, grinding down hard with a stutter. When he bites Calum’s shoulder to keep himself quiet, it’s just on the edge of pleasure/pain that it sets Calum off too, spurting messily into his boxers as his body shakes through the aftershocks. 

After he’s come down, Michael gives Calum one last kiss before sliding out of the bunk to most likely go clean himself up. Calum considers that he should probably get up and do the same, but he doesn’t think he’s ever cum that hard in his life, and he’s absolutely spent. He’s boneless in a way that should terrify him - he’s never been this satisfied before.

He snuggles into bed, falling asleep with his mind still set on the feeling of Ashton’s large hand on his skin. 

  
  
  


_August 17_

  


On the plane on the way back to Australia, Luke’s run out of things to do. He downloaded a few games for the trip, and he’s already slept as much as he possibly could, but he’s _really_ bored. He’s been scrolling Twitter aimlessly for the past hour, but none of it is really sinking into his head. 

At least, nothing sinks in until he sees a familiar face in a paparazzi picture. 

It’s Michael, Luke notices, and he’s sitting at a table in a fancy restaurant next to the window. It’s the kind of picture that’s been getting taken on them often lately, but the person sitting across from Michael isn’t someone Luke’s every known to be alongside any of them. It’s Abigail Breslin, an American actress, and it leaves Luke extremely confused, and slightly upset - mostly just because Michael didn’t mention knowing her. 

“Mikey?” 

Michael blinks drowsily in his set next to Luke. He’s been in and out of sleep for the past couple of hours, but Luke needs to talk to him now. He feels like he’ll shake out of his skin if he doesn’t get to. “Yeah?” 

“Are you um…” He doesn’t know how to ask it, but he feels like he’ll sit here on edge for the rest of the flight if he doesn’t. “What’s this about?” He holds up the picture on his phone. 

“Oh!” Michael sits upright then, smiling as he takes in the photograph. “That’s me with Abigail Breslin!” 

“Well, yeah.” The caption would’ve given that away if Luke didn’t already know. “But like… what is it? Are you… are you like dating her or something?” 

He barely gets the words out, and it makes him a little scared to say them. His voice is shaking and his hands feel numb. What if Michael says yes - what if he’s got a girlfriend and he didn’t even think Luke was worth it enough to know?

“No,” Michael says with a laugh, shaking his head as he pushes Luke’s phone away from him. “Oh my god, no. We just hung out once.” Suddenly Luke feels like he can breathe a little easier, like an anvil of anxiety was lifted from his chest. “My mom loved that movie she was in, and she DM’d me and asked to hang out, and I was like ‘ _why not_?’” 

“Was it fun?” 

Michael shrugs, leaning back in his seat. “Yeah, sure. I don’t know if I’d hang out with her again, but it was fun.” 

The answer is enough to settle the sick feeling in Luke’s gut, but now he’s left with the concern over why he felt so upset. His mind flashes back to the boyfriend comment the sound engineer made back in Houston. Is this how people feel when they find out their friend might have a girlfriend? Like they might be drowning? Hopefully the answer is yes because if he thinks about the other possibility, he might not make it off this flight without his entire world caving in. 

He gets shaken out of his thoughts when Calum laughs suddenly, shoving his phone across the walkway and into Luke’s face. It’s the very same picture that Luke had just closed down. “Haha, Michael, when did you start dating Little Miss Sunshine?” Calum asks and Michael giggles alongside him, flipping him off. 

Why couldn’t Luke be casual like that?

  
  
  


_August 20_

  


The four of them haven’t slept over in Michael’s granny flat since the first time they all played together for the first time, and Ashton is feeling sentimental, and not just because of the alcohol he’s had. They've come a long way since the last time they were here, and Ashton's feeling very soft right now about it. 

He's a little more drunk than he's letting on as he sits with Calum in the corner of the room. Michael and Luke are involved in a very serious looking drunk discussion together on the other side of the room, and Ashton watches them fondly for a bit. He’s not even annoyed that he doesn’t know what they’re saying to each other because he’s got Calum giggling in his ear and telling him interesting facts about squid ink.

"They make pasta with it, Ashton," he says, voice slurring a little as his fingers toy with the bracelets on Ashton's wrist. "Did you know?" 

Ashton did know, and usually when he knows things, he likes for other people to know he knows them too. But Calum drunk explaining things is very cute, and so are his dimples in his little face, so Ashton pretends he's clueless. "Pasta?"

"Mhmm," Calum nods. His lips are pursed and his eyes are serious where they're stuck on Ashton's arm. "They take it right out of the squid and put them in Italian food. But do not worry, Ashton Irwin. No squid were farmed - I mean, harmed in the making of this pasta." He giggles at his own joke, and Ashton thinks he could listen to Calum drunk-rambling forever and ever. He stares at Calum’s smile lines a little too long and leans in, pressing a kiss to them. Calum looks at him with wide eyes, wet lips dropped open in surprise. "For me?" 

Ashton nods, holding back a grin at just how precious his best friend is. It makes him angry at his past self for ever thinking Calum had an indecent bone in his body. "Mhm, cause last time we were here I made you sleep on the floor, and I made you sad." 

"You never did," Calum says, shaking his head as he looks up at Ashton with honest brown eyes. "Make me sad, I mean." 

He knows that Calum wouldn't lie to him, but he frowns, thinking maybe Calum just doesn't remember. It was a while ago and they've been having a good go of things - maybe Calum just erased how sad Ashton made him. He kisses Calum’s dimple again just for good measure and because his face is so soft. 

Not long after, Calum's face starts to get red - probably from the alcohol, Ashton thinks - and he gets even more snuggly, cuddling into Ashton and petting at his chest. Ashton thinks that there’s no better way his life could have possibly gone, from the last time he was here until now. 

Like this, everything is perfect.

  
  
  


_September 16_

  


When they get back to the hotel after their show, all Michael wants to do is get in the shower and wrap his hand around his dick. He's been rooming Luke for the last three days now - which he _loves_ \- and all Luke ever wants to do is cuddle. He latches onto Michael, wiggling around to get comfortable and then _nothing._ It's been three days, and Michael's been hard for every single second.

All he wants is to get in a hot shower and let the steam suffocate him as he chokes his dick for all it's worth. He thought he'd be safe to do so now that he's rooming with Calum, now that he's getting his space from the most sexually frustrating person Michael's ever fucking met, but he forgot just how awful Calum was, and he loses his chance for first shower when Calum calls dibs. 

"You snooze, you lose," he says with a chuckle as he starts undressing before he's even in the room. 

"Cal, _please,_ " Michael whines. He just wants one good orgasm - he won't even use that much hot water with how fast he's going to cum. "I’m begging you." 

"Beg as hard as you want, I called dibs." 

Knowing he's lost the battle, due to the sacred bounds around dibs, Michael groans and throws himself on the bed dramatically while Calum goes into the bathroom. He hears the sound of the water turn on, followed shortly by the door of the shower snapping shut, and Michael's blood is pulsing down to his cock. He can't sit there and wait or he might just die of blue balls , so he makes a snap decision and stands up, undressing as he walks to the bathroom.

Unsurprisingly, Calum's singing _Voodoo Doll_ through the fogged shower door. Michael doesn't think twice before taking off his last article of clothing and stepping into the shower with him. 

Calum jumps, the washcloth in his hand falling uselessly to the floor with a _splat_. "Mike what - "

"Can we…" Despite all of the bravado he stormed into the bathroom with, he feels embarrassed asking for it, so instead he just gestures at his dick. Calum's eyes drift before widening to a level he doesn't think he's ever seen. For a second Michael thinks maybe he’s gone too far, and Calum just wanted to keep their hookups above their clothes. "Or not, if you don’t feel like." 

"No!" Calum yells, reaching out to stop Michael from leaving with a hand around wrist as his eyes stay locked on Michael's groin. "No, I do, I - " he coughs, "I want to." 

Looking down, Michael can tell that Calum's getting hard too just from looking at Michael. Whether it's just teenage hormones or Michael himself, he feels himself getting a little cocky. He steps forward, backing Calum up until he hits the wall, and then leans in, hungrily taking Calum's mouth under his. 

Calum's eager again, just like he was after Ashton spanked him in front of the camera, his hands reaching for any piece of Michael that he can get. It feels hotter than ever before, and Michael doesn't know if it's because of the steam, because they're naked, or because he hasn't gotten off in far too long. He doesn't think it's just him, though, especially not when he reaches down to Calum's ass, squeezing the supple skin, pulling him closer. 

It wasn’t supposed to be anything other than a gentle feeling up, but Calum reacts far bigger than that. He whines, stammering out, “Can we- could you- against me, could you…” He cuts himself off with a frustrated noise and turns clumsily in Michael’s arms, pushing his upper body against the wall and his ass against Michael’s dick, looking back at him pleadingly. 

For a moment, Michael thinks he might be dreaming. The curve of his best friend’s spine, drenched in water with steam billowing around them, looks like something straight out of porn, and if Michael wasn’t close to the edge before, he is now. “Yeah, I can, _fuck,_ I can.” 

It doesn’t last long after that, the two of them pent up from trying something new. Michael leans forward, slipping his dick between Calum’s wet cheeks, using the grip he has on his waist to squeeze them tighter as he rocks against him, chasing his release. _This_ is exactly what he needed to get out his Luke frustration. 

Picking up his pace, Michael finds himself approaching the end far sooner than should be acceptable. He can hear Calum’s hand moving sloppily against his dick, the sound reverberating along with their moans in the hot shower. 

Michael finishes far too quickly, spilling on Calum’s ass. He goes to apologize for not warning him, but Calum’s crying out, slamming one hand forward on the tile as he cums with a tight grip around the base of his cock. 

Together they clean off in silence, leaving the bathroom and getting into their pajamas. Michael thinks maybe it should be weird that they got so close, but all he feels is refreshed. When he looks up, Calum’s frowning at him. 

“Those are lame.” He points to the _TMNT_ pajama pants Michael’s wearing and Michael snorts, not granting him with a response, in too good of a mood to bother with even pretending to fight. He gets in bed and lifts the covers up to invite Calum in. 

“Cuddle?” Calum nods gratefully and snuggles into his arms in his bed. He’s warm and soft, and Michael’s happy to have him, but it’s nothing like holding Luke. It feels like home, but it doesn’t give him the butterflies that attack his stomach whenever Luke’s even just in the room. 

  
  
  


_October 5_

  


As many shows as they’ve played in the past two years of being a band, nothing will ever compare to Calum like performing in Sydney. The crowd is always full of a different kind of energy, a _Welcome Home_ , if you will. They come off the stage feeling on top of the entire world, like anything is possible. It’s similar to when they played _Voodoo Doll_ live for the second time, and the crowd knew every word, yelling them back at the band. 

Luke’s mom came to the show, like she always does whenever they’re back home, and the moment they’re slipping into the greenroom, she’s herding them into a giant hug, praising them for a job well done. 

“Boys, you were incredible, as always. I couldn’t be prouder.” When they pull back, she pulls Luke into a solo hug, and he rolls his eyes, but the grin on his face betrays the faux-annoyance he’s playing up. “Calum, sweetheart,” she addresses him with her arms still around her son. “I forgot to mention this to you before, but there’s someone here to see you.” She gestures to her left, and Calum looks over to see his dad standing kind of awkwardly to the side, fiddling with his backstage pass. 

At first, Calum doesn’t recognize him. He knows what his father looks like, but seeing him in the context of a concert doesn’t seem right - he’s never come to a show before. His mom has, a few times actually, but his dad’s kept his distance. Their relationship hasn’t been weird or stilted by any means, but they avoid talking about anything related to the band for their own pieces of mind. He knows his dad wouldn’t ever say anything purposefully cruel, but Calum’s worried he’ll be dismissive, and that would break his heart.

He walks over, a cautious smile on his face. “Dad, what are you doing here?”

“Liz invited me,” he answers. He’s smiling, but it looks sad, like he’s forcing himself not to frown. “She told me you had a show close to home and I thought I would, ah, give it a try.” Calum doesn’t say anything, too worried about the review that’s clearly upcoming. Instead, his dad looks at him a guilty expression on his face, like he’s ashamed of himself, not Calum. “Calum. I’m so sorry.” 

The words come out alongside a sigh that cracks his voice. Calum steps back, shocked at the raw emotion in such an out-of-place apology. “Dad, it’s - ”

“Don’t tell me it’s okay,” his dad cuts him off, shaking his head. “I made the wrong choice. I didn’t believe in you, and I was such a fool, kiddo.” He looks up and gestures to the green room filled with parents and friends from school, all who came out to visit them on tour. “Look at you, look at all these people.” 

Not knowing how to react, not sure where all of everything is coming from, Calum quietly says, “Thanks, dad,” stepping forward to be heard. 

“I’m really proud of you, Cal. So proud.” 

Calum doesn’t want to cry, but he can’t help it when the tears start falling. He hugs his dad tightly, wiping his eyes off on the collar of his sweater. When he pulls back they’re both grinning, it feels new, the moment, like everything is going to be okay. “Hey, do you wanna say hi to the boys?” he asks, taking a step back. “They’ll be happy to see you.” 

“Sure!” His dad pats his back and starts to lead them over. “Sure, let’s say hi to the boys.” 

They walk over to where everyone is gathered around the snack table, and Calum can see the guarded expressions on their faces - in particular Ashton’s, who’s looking at Calum’s dad with extreme distrust. Calum gives him a little nod of his head, trying to tell him without words that it’s all fine, that it’s all good and there's nothing to worry about. Over the course of the night, Ashton stays a little short with him, but overall, the rest of the night goes well, and Calum feels a little bit of him, that he didn’t know was broken, heal.

  
  
  


_October 21_

  


“It’s cute!” Luke yells the second Michael’s takes the towel off of his head. 

“Cute?” Michael frowns, but a small rush of red dusts his cheeks. “But is it punk rock enough?” 

“Of course!” Luke watches as Michael turns to look in the mirror, running a hand through his still-damp bubblegum pink hair, frowning at the reflection. “Because _you’re_ punk rock. Plus, that’s what punk rock is about, breaking barriers. Making things that might not be punk, punk.” 

With a final nod at the image looking back at him, Michael smiles. “You’re right. It’s all about attitude.” 

“ _All_ about the attitude.” In his head, Luke’s holding back thoughts about just _how_ good Michael looks with his new hair.. He’s _adorable_ , like a little fairy. He’d never in a million years say it out loud, but Luke thinks Michael could pull off any look in the entire world - he couldn’t look bad even if he tried. 

Reaching out, Luke runs his hands through the new hair. It’s a little stiff, still kind of wet from Michael washing the dye out, but it feels nice in his hand, looks nice against his pale skin. Michael’s hair is always soft, and he likes touching it, but something about it like this, all pink and new, makes Luke want to never let go. 

Michael smiles, melting into Luke’s hand like a kitten, and Luke keeps giving him a head massage as Michael hums happily. After a moment, Michael starts speaking, slow and quiet. “Did Cal and Ash tell you they’re working on a new song?” 

“Yeah,” Luke answers. He doesn’t remember much, but they explained the idea to him excitedly a little while ago. “Something about not having said things you didn’t say? Or the things you didn’t say that you wish you said?” He frowns, none of the ideas coming back to him. “Something about saying things, I think.” 

“Sounds like a hit,” Michael snorts.

They stay in the bathroom, both staring in the mirror at Michael’s new hair, until an idea comes to Luke and he gasps, pulling his hand free. “Hey!” Michael looks at him. “You and I, we should write something together.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah, totally!” Luke’s suddenly incredibly excited. He loves Michael’s writing - it’s always so edgy and cool, and Luke thinks they could write something great together. Michael looks pleased, too, a little smile on his face as he starts studying his pink hair again in the mirror again. “Hey, you should go red someday.” 

“You think?” 

Luke nods, already certain that Michael could pull it off. “Hundred percent. I mean, you’ve done almost everything else.” He’d look like a vampire with red hair - or like, peppermint candy. Either way, Luke would love to help him make it happen. 

  
  
  


_November 11_

  


Waking up alone in the hotel room isn’t exactly _fun_ , but Michael can’t complain when he’s slept in until noon. He’s been scrolling through his twitter for the past hour, replying every once in awhile to the fans they’ve gained these past few months of touring. He passes the tweet Calum posted a week or so ago about Ashton serenading him awake before a trip to the beach together. People are still retweeting it, and it makes Michael grin. They seem like things are going in the right direction for them - like maybe it won’t be much longer before they’re finally together. 

The door to the room opens, and three voices talking over each other fill his ears. Michael looks up and suddenly his mouth is very dry and his pants are very tight. He doesn’t really notice Calum and Ashton because all he can focus on is Luke’s lips, and the metal hoop around them. 

“You have piercing.” It’s not a question, just a stoic statement he can’t even say correctly, as he wonders why the fuck his dick is _begging_ for attention at the sight.

Luke fiddles with the lip ring, and Michael almost has to close his eyes, the sight too much for him to take. “Do you like it?” 

Michael nods mutely, not able to open his mouth, afraid he might moan out loud. Ashton saves the day by throwing a bag down on the coffee table. “Luke and I are dropping Calum off before we go writing. We brought bagels.” He points to the table where the bag is sitting, but Michael couldn’t give less of a fuck about bagels right now. 

“See you guys later?” Luke’s voice is hesitant, his eyes boring worriedly into Michael’s. All Michael can do is nod again as Luke and Ashton make a quick exit, and then Michael’s alone with Calum, who snorts as soon as the door is closed. 

“You gonna take care of that?” he asks, pointing at where Michael’s dick is tenting his jeans slightly. It’s not too obvious, but Calum still looks amused. Michael’s not sure why he thinks he has room to make fun of him for having a hard dick when he came all over Calum’s ass with it not that long ago. 

“You gonna help me?” he asks, feeling a lot less shy now that they’ve done this a few times. 

Calum raises his eyebrows. “Luke’s lip made you that horny?” 

“Shut up, come on…” 

It doesn’t take much convincing for Calum to jump over to the couch and straddle Michael’s lap, leaning down to capture his lips. Michael’s already as hard as he can get, so he wraps his hands around Calum’s narrow hips and tugs him down into a slow grind. The pressure is incredible, just what Michael needed, and he’s moaning easily into Calum’s mouth. 

Not that Michael was ever going to last long anyway, but it’s cut even shorter when there’s a loud gasp that doesn’t come from either Michael nor Calum. Calum pulls back with wide eyes, and Michael’s sure his face looks the same when they hear Luke’s, “ _Oh_.” 

They both face the doorway to see him standing there, hand on the doorknob as he takes in Calum’s body, where it was just grinding against Michael’s, both of their lips kiss-swollen. Michael’s heart feels like it’s about to beat out of his chest, but he can’t move, all he can do is think a steady pattern of _No, no, no, no, no, no._

“I forgot my notebook,” Luke says with a bright red face, suddenly avoiding looking at either of them. “I forgot - ” He looks around for half a second, and then walks out the door again without said notebook, leaving it wide open. “Sorry.” 

Michael scrambles out from underneath Calum. “No, no, no, _shit_!” Calum’s sitting still, silent as he watches Michael chase Luke out the door and halfway down the hotel hallway. “Luke, Luke, wait, please wait.” 

Luke stops and turns around, but he’s staring at the ground, shoulders tense and looking incredibly uncomfortable. “What.” 

“That wasn’t - we didn’t…” He doesn’t really know what to say, he just needs Luke to know it meant _nothing_. “That was nothing.” 

“Nothing?” Luke repeats, and Michael nods. “It looked like something. It looked like a _lot_.”

“He’s right,” Calum agrees, voice coming from behind Michael as he finally catches up with them. “It meant nothing.” 

Luke’s foot stomps, his face still red as a tomato as he frowns. “What do you mean? You can’t say that, you were, you were just - ” He, for some reason, looks close to tears, and Michael has never felt this low before in his life. 

“We were, but it’s not. We’re not together, or anything,” Michael clarifies. He needs Luke to know that Calum will never be in his life the way he wants Luke, but Luke just snorts. “We’re _not_. We don’t even like each other like that, it’s just. We just do it sometimes.” 

“Sometimes?” Luke’s eyebrows raise, but it doesn’t look like surprise, it looks far more hurt than that. Michael’s stomach curls in on itself. “You’ve done it before?” Michael keeps digging himself a deeper grave every time he talks, and for the first time ever he wishes he was born without a mouth. “And you didn’t… you weren’t going to tell me?” 

“ _Lukey_.” 

No other words are coming to Michael’s head. Luke looks so hurt, and Michael doesn’t know what to say to console him. Suddenly his gaze looks past Michael’s shoulder. “Calum, what about Ashton? I thought you still liked him? Or was that a lie?” 

“It was never a lie, I just…” Calum trails off, sighing with it. Michael doesn’t know how Calum’s holding himself together so well when all Michael wants to do is fall to his knees and beg for forgiveness. “He just. It’s not connected, this is different, this is seperate - ”

“Of course it’s connected!” Luke yells out, arms flying in the air, nearly hitting Michael in the face… he’d deserve it, truthfully. “It’s all connected! We’re in a band! Didn’t you think about that? What if this goes really wrong? What if you fight and we have to break up? Can’t you see this makes things a _billion_ times more complicated?” He’s right. Deep down, Michael always knew this was a bad idea - it was just so easy, and Calum was there when Luke wasn’t. “And what if Ashton had found out? You’re ruining your chance with him, Calum! He’d think you didn’t want him. He’d never trust that you liked him more.”

Though they were meant to cut Calum, Michael feels _devastated_ by the words. After this, Luke’s never going to trust that Michael loves him - he’s never going to trust Michael in general. He’s ruined everything - all for a few quick orgasms. 

“You're not gonna tell Ashton, are you?” Calum asks, and all Michael can think about is how easily this all could’ve been ruined for _both_ of them. 

“No, I'm not gonna tell him, but - ”

“You’re right,” Michael says suddenly, cutting off Luke. They both look over at him, and Michael tries to put everything in his tone to convince Luke that this whole mess was a mistake. “You’re _right_.”

“I am?” 

Michael nods. “Yeah, you are. We’ll stop.” 

“We will?” Calum asks, but Michael doesn’t look at him, doesn’t acknowledge him at all, just keeps his gaze steady on Luke’s hurt blue eyes. 

“I’m sorry, Lukey, I’m sorry we kept this from you. I’m sorry you found out like this. I promise, I’ll never keep something like this from you again. It really… You have to know there aren’t feelings here. You have to.” 

Luke looks away and doesn’t look back, but he nods shortly. “Okay. I’m gonna go now. I have to go.” He walks away, and Michael’s left in hallway, staring after the one person he loves most in the world, wondering if he’ll feel like garbage for the rest of his life. 

  
  
  


_November 23_

  


Luke’s never done anything like this before, but he doesn’t know why not when it feels so fucking incredible. He’s on top of Michael, grating down on him, hips twitching out of his control, needing _more_ , wanting it _harder_ , and knowing that Michael’s the only one to ever make him feel this good. 

With his tongue in Luke’s mouth, Michael tears him to pieces. He’s warm underneath Luke, letting out soft, sweet moans that Luke swallows eagerly. He’s so close he can taste it, hips jerking against Michael’s. He’s gripping the cushions of the couch in their hotel room in tight fists as he works himself over with rough grinds that hurt in the best way. 

Luke’s never felt so turned on by anyone in his life, and he’s never wanted anything more. He never wants Michael to stop touching him, _only_ him, moaning in _his_ ear as he fucks against _Luke’s_ dick.

And when Michael moans Luke’s name, he cums so hard he blacks out. 

Moments later, he wakes up in bed, with Michael sound asleep next to him, and his boxers wet with his release, having cum in his sleep from the filthiest wet dream that’s ever invaded his mind. 

“ _Fuck_.” 

He freezes. Not only is he sharing a bed with Michael, but Calum and Ashton are on the other bed in the room, and Luke’s just cum harder than he ever has before in his life. He’s lucky they’re all such heavy sleepers - Luke doesn’t think he could be fast asleep with someone grinding against the mattress next to him, cumming in their pajama pants. 

He unclenches his fists where they’re white-knuckle gripping the sheets and slips out of bed, quietly heading to the bathroom to clean himself of his shame and cum. After, he sits on the toilet with the cover down, not quite ready to get back in bed with Michael. 

It’s been almost two weeks since he caught Michael and Calum on the hotel room couch, and he thought they’d moved past it, forgiving and forgetting for such an uncomfortable moment between them, but he guesses his subconscious is still stuck on it. That’s the _only_ logical explanation for why he would dream about himself in Calum’s place. It was just his brain replaying it. That’s all. 

He sighs and debates going back to bed. There’s no reason not to, everything’s fine and normal, and this wasn’t anything to worry about. Just his hormones thinking back on a completely unarousing situation…

He stays in the bathroom for fifteen more minutes.

  
  
  


_November 30_

  


To celebrate their second birthday as a band, they’re filming four videos, each about each other, where they talk about how they met and how the band was formed. Calum’s done with his video, and Michael’s just finished his as well. It’s interesting to hear the other perspectives on how everything happened, but he’s the most giddy to hear what Ashton has to say about him. 

Luke’s the next up to go, so Calum makes his way over to Ashton who’s been pouting on the couch in the studio for the past five videos. Calum takes a seat next to him and links their arms together. “You have grump face.” 

“Do not,” Ashton bites back. 

“Do too.” 

It doesn’t take long for Ashton to cave, sighing as he slumps backwards. “Was my shirt really that ugly?” 

When Calum realizes _that’s_ what he was so hung up about, he can’t help but grin. Ashton’s just so adorable, upset because nobody liked his shirt. “Well, yes. Yes it was.” Ashton only pouts harder and unlinks their arms. Calum pulls him back by his hand, not letting him slip off the couch like he tries to. “But! I said you have long fingers! That’s a compliment!”

“Psh, no it’s not,” he rolls his eyes, falling back onto the cushions. “That’s just a fact. Like you have no body hair. And Michael’s hair makes him look like a skunk.” 

“ _No_ ,” he continues, not letting Ashton slip away without hearing how amazing Calum thinks he is. “‘Cause you can _use_ fingers for things. Like… drumming. Which you do.” He’s genuinely trying not to think about the other things Ashton could do with his fingers if he so happened to want to. Things that involve a bedroom and Calum being naked. 

“I guess that’s true,” Ashton concedes, leaning into Calum’s side. They sit silently and watch Luke talk about how he and Michael hated each other for a year before the band. Ashton turns to Calum suddenly and asks, “Should I throw that shirt away?” 

“Yes, please.” 

  
  
  


_December 18_

  


When the news comes through that their next single is going to be _She Looks So Perfect_ , Michael screams so loud that Luke’s eardrums pop. He can’t be mad about it, though. He knows how badly Michael wanted to write something big for them, and now it’s actually happening. He’s full of energy, bouncing around the room and dancing with everyone before Ashton even finishes reading the email aloud. 

“That’s ours!” he’s cheering, weaving through each of them with a contagious grin on his face. Luke was kind of hoping for _Beside You,_ a song he wrote with Calum, to be the next single, but he’s not even the slightest bit upset when Michael looks so thrilled. “That’s ours!” 

He bounces over to Ashton and kisses his cheek sloppily. Ashton wipes his face but grins back anyway, clearly also pleased. They’d been writing songs nonstop together the past few months, talking about how badly they wanted the next single to be _theirs_ , and now they’ve got it. 

Michael skips over to Calum next, telling him, “You can even have the verse about the plane ticket! I don’t even care!” He kisses Calum’s cheek too, and Calum grins at him, dancing with him for a moment. “Lukey! We have a new single!” 

Luke grins at him, ready to say something back, but Michael leans in and kisses his cheek too. Only this time, he misses the mark by a bit, and the kiss lands right on the corner of Luke’s mouth. Michael doesn’t seem to notice, just keeps dancing around the room, leaving Luke wondering why in the world, for the first time in his life, there are butterflies filling his stomach and a blush taking over his face. 


	6. 2014

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter involves the scene that inspired us to write this fic in the first place :)

**2014**

_January 4th_

This year is off to a spectacular start, Ashton thinks, not for the first time. He’s on a beach with some friends, but he’s branched off so it’s just him and Calum in the sand, enjoying the sun and the silence, and he wouldn’t have it any other way. 

Right now, everything just seems so at peace. They’re not in a band, travelling around the world and making music. In this moment, they’re two teenagers at the ocean, just enjoying life. Ashton’s watching Calum make a sandcastle, hauling his bucket back and forth between the wet sand at the lip of the water and the dry sand in front of Ashton’s feet. It’s kind of adorable, how precious he’s being with the delicate fortress he’s focused so hard on, but then again, when _isn’t_ he adorable? 

They should probably be wrapping up here soon and heading back to their friends, but that’s never as _fun_ as being alone with Calum. When it’s just the two of them, they just get along better, they can be stupid with each other and not worry about how other people see them. It’s just _better_ as the two of them - Calum’s starting to feel like an extension of himself, and Ashton can’t complain. 

“Old MacDonald?” 

Okay, Ashton can complain a little. He’s wearing a really awesome straw hat today, but Calum’s been making fun of it the entire day, calling him a farmer, asking him about his walk down the Yellow Brick Road. Ashton scowls at him every time, but it’s losing its effect when he starts looking fond. It’s hard not to be fond of Calum.

“Can I help you?” he asks, not lifting his head from where it’s reclined against Calum’s bag. 

“I’d love it if you would. There’s a turret that won’t stay up on my castle.” Unable to say no, Ashton stretches from where he’s lying in the sand and goes to help Calum. It takes a few attempts, but soon he’s able to get the sand shaped right on the castle, and Calum beams at him. “Now we need a moat!” 

It’s been a long day and the sun is hot, but Ashton nods through his yawn and gets up to grab Calum’s shovel. It’s on his way back that he steps in a slimy pile of kelp. “Oh, _ew.”_ He shakes it off his foot, hard, trying to get off all the slime

“Stop!” With his foot still in the air, he looks at Calum, who dives down and picks up a sand dollar from just under Ashton’s foot. “Look!” It’s pretty, but Ashton doesn’t know what the big deal is. 

“It’s a snapper biscuit. My mom used to tell us that if we found these at the beach, we could choose a wish for every month of the year and it would come true.” 

Biting back a comment about Calum’s cute nickname for the sand dollar, Ashton says, “That’s a lot of wishing.” 

“It’s possible she was just trying to keep us entertained…” There’s a wrinkle between his brows, so Ashton gets to his knees, kelp still wrapped around his foot, and smooths the line out with his thumb. 

“Okay, Calum Hood,” Ashton starts, humoring him because the excitement etched on his face is too adorable to say no to. “What’s your January wish?” 

He thinks on it for a little while, biting his lip between his teeth as he considers his options. Ashton can tell when he’s come up with it because he smiles, shaking his head, and looks up at Ashton through thick lashes. “This is good enough for January,” he decides. “Being here on this beach with you.” 

Something about his tone makes a blush run up Ashton’s neck. He chokes out, “Same,” before moving on, not wanting to linger on why that made him melt a little. “Okay, February?”

“I want She Looks So Perfect to do really well.” He didn’t take any time to think it over, just let it fall off his tongue. Ashton nods, agreeing. “In March, I want to get a scooter.”

“A scooter?” 

They go through the months, wishing for different things together. Ashton wants to find his signature style, and Calum wishes for Michael to finally stop stealing his underwear. Both of them want the album to go to number one, and neither of them want Luke to get sick before their shows anymore. It takes some time, but they get to December eventually, minds coming up blank. 

“Last one, Cal. Gotta make it count.” Ashton’s hoping he has something, so Ashton can steal it. He’s all out of ideas at this point - twelve months of creativity might just be too much. “What’s our December wish?” 

Calum thinks hard for a moment, finally nodding his head and looking Ashton in the eyes, determination reflected in Calum’s. “By December, we’ll have fallen in love.” 

As much as Ashton wants to make fun of him, to tell him it’s a lame and predictable to wish for love, he can’t. It’s a perfect goal, especially for how distanced he’s been feeling from his art lately. He wants the music he writes to mean something. 

This year, he’s going to fall in love with somebody.

  
  
  


_January 27_

Something about filming the video for _She Looks So Perfect_ feels different to Luke than any other video has. There are more cameras, more angles, the crew and cast are incomparable to when they recorded _Try Hard_. 

The concept for the video is really cool, and the half-naked people only bother Luke a little bit. And it's not really _them_ that's bothering him, it's that everyone else in the band can't seem to take their eyes off the bodies. Well, Ashton doesn't seem too distracted by them, and the only person Calum ever looks at is Ashton, but Michael… Michael's taken. 

They're filming a scene inside a diner right now, and Ashton's hiding in the corner booth, watching everybody undress. Calum and Luke are in their make-shift greenroom, watching the monitors in real time. Michael's on-set, though, getting a close up of everything he can. Luke doesn't know why it's bothering him so much, but he hates it. 

"He even looks beautiful all concealed," Calum sighs suddenly, making Luke jump. "Like a hot little undercover cop." There's a bag of sour gummy worms crinkling in his hand as he mindlessly eats them, too busy drooling over Ashton doing literally _nothing_ on the television. Luke's sick of it. 

It's been two years of this, and Luke's held out hope that either the crush would go away, or Calum would at least be able to manage it better. But here they are, deep into their career, and Calum's still obsessed with everything about the boy, and he's still loudly advertising to the world that he is. He still mentions what Ashton wore to his birthday party two days ago every third hour on the dot. Hell, Luke's still in remission from the first time Calum caught Ashton wearing one of his shirts to bed. He thought it was Ashton subtly inviting Calum to spend a night in bed with him.

Spoiler alert: it wasn't. They all just wear each other's clothes all the time. 

Rolling his eyes, Luke walks over to the couches. Judging by the crinkling behind him, Calum's following him. "How long have you been in love with him, now?" He asks, falling backwards onto the furniture. "Sixty years?"

"Seventy." Calum's eyes are still stuck to the monitor, even though from the distance Ashton's just a tiny dot. Or as Calum would call him, a tiny _sexy_ dot. 

"Seems like." 

"What about you, Lukey," Calum wonders, taking his attention away from Ashton, turning completely so he's sitting on the couch sideways. "Anyone caught your eye since we last talked?" Luke shakes his head. He’s decidedly _not_ thinking about anyone in particular. Especially _not_ the only person who’s ever given him butterflies. Because that wasn't anything - probably just a head cold. "No one? No… _person_?" 

It's obvious that he's alluding to whether or not Luke likes boys. They haven't talked about it since their last conversation almost a year ago, but Luke feels like any information he's gathered about himself in that respect is better kept to himself. " _No,"_ he sighs. "I still… I don’t know how I feel about that." 

"There’s no shame in that." Calum's usually the most detached of them, so casual and carefree, Luke shouldn't have expected anything other than instant validation. "Have you ever, like, tried? Y'know… with a guy." Luke feels embarrassed. He’s never kissed _anyone_ , let alone a boy. He feels like he should have by now, but nobody wanted him back in school, and he hasn’t found anyone he’d want to kiss since then (besides maybe possibly someone he refuses to think about), so it hasn’t happened. He shakes his head, but doesn’t say anything, and Calum hums. "Do you want to?"

The question throws him off guard. He thinks about it as he looks at Calum, confused. _Sure_ , who _wouldn't_ kiss someone if they had the chance. If they opportunity presented itself with someone he found hot enough… yeah, he'd kiss someone. 

He nods his head, and before he realizes it, Calum's kissing him with an open mouth. There's no tongue, but he tastes like sour gummies, and Luke crinkles his nose. It only lasts a few seconds long, and it's not a bad first kiss, but it doesn't really do anything for him… maybe he just doesn't like boys. 

"What do you think?" 

Luke shrug. "I don’t think that solved much, Cal." 

Calum frowns with an over exaggerated pout and shrugs, eating another gummy. "Well, can’t hurt to try." 

It didn't hurt to try at all, but now he feels kind of sad. He had a bit of hope that that this would open a door for him, help him figure himself out a bit, but now all he knows is that if Calum ever tries to kiss him again, he's going to make sure he doesn't eat anything sour beforehand. 

The door opens, and Michael walks in. Luke feels himself smile instantly as Michael walks over and wraps himself around Luke. He’s warm and soft, and Luke doesn’t feel so bad anymore. 

Maybe he might like _a_ boy. 

  
  
  


_February 14_

Somehow, even with being in a semi-famous band, travelling the world playing music, and being _hot_ \- if he does say so himself - Ashton's still alone on Valentine's Day, lying on the floor of his room as he wonders what he did so wrong to be so alone on such a romantic day. _He's_ a romantic, this should be his time to shine - to cover someone's cheeks in kisses or cuddle them until they can barely breathe or just spend a couple of minutes staring at them because he _can_. He just wants to make somebody feel special, but all he can do is mope. 

It seems he's not the only one let down by the holiday - Luke comes stomping into the room and huffs, falling down next to Ashton on the ground and groaning. "Valentine’s Day is the worst day of my life, every year." 

"How can it be the worst day every year?" Ashton asks, hating how even his joke is said with a sad tone. He shouldn't be this miserable. "Which one’s the actual worst?" 

"All of them." Though, if Ashton's miserable, Luke sounds destroyed. "They get worse as the years go on." 

He has a point, Ashton thinks. Valentine's Day gets worse every year he has no one to call his own. He’s starting to think something's wrong with him. Why isn't he in love? Why hasn't he ever been? It’s not fair. "You’re right," Ashton decides. "Today sucks." 

Luke sighs once, twice, and then his feet are kicking out at the wall. "I want to be in love." 

Ashton snorts. If he wanted advice, or a pep talk, he really chose the wrong tree to bark up. The only thing Ashton knows about love is that he knows nothing about it. "I’m not the one you should be talking to. Go find Calum or Michael. They seem to have it all figured out." It's indescribable, the emotion they put in their music. Ashton's written with both of them, and everything they produce is so honest. They're both clearly drawing inspiration from _somewhere_ with how easily their songs romanticize whoever they're about, and Ashton just can't compare. 

"Calum does, at least."

Ashton gives him a confused look, but Luke doesn’t elaborate. He must not think Michael's lyrics are as romantic as Calum's. He's probably right, but Michael's still able to hold his own. Better than Ashton can, at least. He knows absolute shit about writing music the way they do, and he's never going to. 

"You know what?" Ashton huffs, sick of feeling inferior just because he's been too busy with the band to be in a relationship. He's done amazing things without someone else being the center of his attention, and he's going to _keep_ doing amazing things. "We don’t need this!" He sits up, and Luke looks at him confused. "Get up, Luke. We don’t need love!" 

"We don’t?" Luke asks, back cracking loudly as he pushes himself to a sitting position.

"No! We just finished a whole album! We’re going on another tour! We filmed a kickass music video!" Luke nods along to what Ashton’s saying, not exactly smiling, but his eyes look more alive now. "We’re starting our own label! _Fuck_ love!" 

"Fuck love!" He repeats. 

"Fuck it! Let’s go get pancakes or something." It's a silly suggestion, but Luke laughs regardless, looking far cheerier than when he'd first stopped by. They make their way to the kitchen, turn on the stove, and make some pancakes because carbs are better than love… 

Even if Ashton still wants it. 

  
  
  


_February 23_

They’ve been doing it for over a year, but playing shows never gets old - at least, not to Michael. Every time he steps under the bright lights of the stage, it’s like he’s refreshed with a new energy that burns through him like he’d never felt before he started pursuing music. They’ve just finished a show in Glasgow that has Michael gliding off the stage in his euphoria from one of the best shows they’ve ever played when their tour manager stops them from getting much further than the entrance to backstage. 

“Boys, I have some great news,” he begins with. His stubby hands are out in front of him, preventing the band from moving, so they all settle. Michael wipes his fringe off of his sweaty forehead as their manager continues with a face-splitting grin. “I’m very happy to be the one to tell you the North American tour has completely sold out!” 

With his ears still ringing from the screams onstage, Michael’s not completely sure he heard correctly until Calum lets out a choked, “ _Already?_ ” 

“Already!” He claps his hands and lets out a booming laugh. Michael can’t say a thing, too shell-shocked that they sold the _fuck_ out of their North American tour - historically, the toughest music market to crack into. “Ticket sales are closed now for every venue. You’ve got a lot coming in the next few months, get some rest, alright?” 

He walks away, leaving the band all grinning to each other, too stunned to do anything else. Even as the crew starts moving around them, Michael’s just stuck with his mouth in a wide open smile. The only one of them with the ability to move seems to be Calum. He’s bouncing around, cheering, “Sold out! Sold out! We sold out!” But then he pauses, smile dropping to get serious as he holds out a finger knowingly. “But we will never sell out. To the _man._ ” It’s a stupid joke, but Luke laughs hard at it, and Calum grabs his hand. “Luke, come here, I wanna show you something.” 

The two run off to the green room, and Michael slowly starts his journey there. Through the empty hall, Michael can hear them humming the melody of a song Luke had come up with while peeing the other day. Calum adds a beat behind it on his bass, and Michael thinks it sounds pretty cool, even if it is muffled. 

When Michael finally makes it to the green room and sinks onto the couch, still grinning to himself about the good news, Ashton’s right behind him. 

“Shit.” He’s speaking to himself, but out loud, words void of any inflection. “Sold out.” 

Michael’s so fucking proud. He always wanted to be a real rockstar, and it’s really happening. Right in front of him it’s _actually_ happening. They’re not dumb kids in his granny flat with a makeshift drum kit, playing the bass on the top strings of the guitar - they’re a serious band, selling out shows, writing songs for an album that’s already getting pre-orders… It’s all happening. “Crazy, right?” 

“Everything’s really coming together.” When Michael looks over, his excited grin slips a little. Ashton’s eyes are wide and he looks a little pale. “It almost feels… too perfect, in a way? Like something’s gonna go horribly wrong.” 

“Don’t say that!” He stops Ashton in his tracks. Ashton turns and his nervous eyes focus on Michael where he’s shaking his palms in front of him. “Seriously, Ash. We’re about to drop a dope music video tomorrow, the album is amazing, everyone’s gonna love it, and we’re _sold out._ ” 

When Michael starts nodding, Ashton slowly mirrors the movements until he’s doing it on his own. “You’re right. You are,” He agrees. “I just can’t help thinking…” Ashton keeps talking, and Michael’s listening with one ear, but… 

Well, Luke and Calum are across the room, both jamming out on their instruments, high on the feeling of being the kind of musicians that sell out tours in North America like it’s fucking _nothing_. Luke’s got this smile on his face that radiates joy, and Michael’s loathe to look away. It’s hard to concentrate when he looks like that, when he looks like his every dream has come true and now he’s living just for the fun of it. Michael would move mountains if it meant Luke could look like that forever, could be that carefree. It’s like he’s wrapped around Luke’s finger with how easy he is. 

“... You know what I mean?” 

“Hm? Yeah, I know.” Michael bites his tongue against wincing, not wanting to give away to Ashton that he didn’t hear a single word, too wrapped up in the beauty that is Luke Hemmings to worry about something going wrong. “Ashton, things are going well because we work hard. We’re not going to ruin them for ourselves. As long as we have each other, we’re good, right?” 

After a beat too long, just when Michael thinks he’s going to go into another long speech, Ashton smiles and nods a little. He takes Michael’s hand in his and Michael notices just how much bigger Ashton’s hands are than his… Calum was right. “Yeah, we’re good.” 

  
  
  


_March 8_

“Calum, just wear your _Drop Dead_ shirt, that one always looks good.” Luke’s voice has gone from helpful friend to this whiny tone that grates on Ashton’s ears in the worst way. He’s been helping Calum get dressed for the All Time Low concert for ages, and it’s the worst hassle. 

Everybody has been ready to go for at least an hour, but Calum keeps going through different clothing options, each one seeming to him to be worse than the last. The only thing stopping Ashton from taking charge of the situation is how adorable it is to watch a flustered Calum be so indecisive about an _outfit_ of all things, and how funny it is to watch Luke slowly lose his mind with impatience. 

“I can’t,” Calum shuts down automatically, taking the offending shirt and throwing towards his suitcase where it’s unpacked on the hotel room bed. “I just wore that yesterday.”

Throwing his hands in the air, Luke huffs. “I give up.”

But Michael hasn’t given up at all. He’s still helping Calum, handing him shirt after shirt. Calum’s wearing a tight red one right now that shows off his arms nicely. Ashton hadn’t realized he was starting to fill out so well, but he looks good. He looks _really_ good. 

“Why are you so worried about what you’re wearing, anyways?” he asks, curious as to what all the fuss is being made over. 

Calum furrows his brow, lips forming in a heart-shaped pout. “I’m not _worried,_ I just want to look nice.”

“You do.” Ashton lets his eyes down Calum’s frame again, taking in how good he looks. “That one’s great, you should keep it on.” 

“Really?”

Ashton never gets to answer. Michael cuts him off with a smirk on his face. “He wants to look good for Alex.” 

“Shut up, Mikey!” Calum snaps suddenly. His tan cheeks start to flame red, and Michael only gets more smug.

It’s news to Ashton, that Calum would want to look good for Alex Gaskarth. They’ve hung out with him a few times, even had a couple of writing sessions. Ashton wishes he would’ve known that there were feelings there. He doesn’t know how that would’ve changed things, but… it’s better than being assaulted with this information when he’s the least prepared for it. “You have a thing for Alex?”

“Yeah,” Michael snorts, “a boner.” Calum throws a boot at him, and it hits Michael’s knee with an audible _thud_. “FUCK!” 

“Hey!” Luke pipes up from where he’s recently taken up residence on the couch. “Swear jar!” 

It’s a joke he started last week, and he and Calum have been very diligent with it. It’s actually worked out well to have a mug full of change handy for hotel vending machines, but it’s tough having their every sentence inspected. Especially when all of them influence each other to swear so often. 

There’s a bit of pride on Ashton’s end that he’s only had to contribute to the jar twice. 

In regards to his curse, Michael just waves Luke off. “I’ll put a euro in it later. This is a top priority.” He turns to Ashton and smiles. “Yes, Calum has a thing for Alex.” 

“No, I don’t,” Calum protests. He’s avoiding eye contact with everyone, his gaze fixed on the hem of his red shirt, the red shirt Ashton’s beginning to think maybe is too much for a concert. “Not anymore.” 

“But you did?” 

“Growing up,” Calum answers with a shrug. “A little bit.” 

With another snort, Michael adds, “A lot bit. He had a picture of Alex cut out from a poster that he used to - ” Calum holds up the other boot threateningly, and Michael shuts up. 

Suddenly, Ashton’s stomach twists. Calum’s trying to dress up for someone that’s so much older than him, someone playing in a band that they’re about to go see - someone a lot cooler than them. It doesn’t feel right, and neither does the idea of Alex thinking Calum looks good. Or vice versa. 

“Actually, I don’t think that’s the one,” Ashton speaks up. He starts digging through Calum’s suitcase until he comes up with something more suitable for Alex to look at. “Try this one.” He finds a grey vest that’s incredibly big, far too big for Calum’s slender frame, and tosses it to him. He strips quickly, throwing the loose shirt over his head, the fabric drowning him. Ashton grins. “That’s the one.” It’s perfect until Ashton sees how much of his sharp collarbone is flashing out of the top, and he doesn’t like that either. “Put a jacket over it and you’re perfect.” 

It’s clearly not something Calum would wear of his own choice, and he looks skeptical as he stares at his reflection. “Are you sure?”

“Positive.” He hands Calum a jacket and watches with satisfaction as every inch of him is covered under shapeless grey. It’s a good thing, too. Ashton knows if he were Alex, and he saw Calum in that tight red shirt, he’d be into him. He doesn’t want Alex to know how soft and smooth and nice Calum looks under all the layers. Nobody should - that’s just asking for trouble. 

  
  
  


_March 25_

“What are you working on?” 

Michael looks up at the sudden noise to see Ashton is in his and Luke’s hotel room. Michael doesn’t know how he got in or why he's here, but he is a little curious. Michael’s been working on this piece of a song for about a month, and he can’t get this loop out of his head. He has no other lyrics than the repetitive ones of the chorus, and no other music than the intense build-up he has. He’s been replaying it over and over again, but nothing is coming of it, and he might die of frustration with it. “Something new.” 

“I haven’t heard it yet?” Ashton comes more fully into the room, sitting on the edge of Luke’s unmade bed. He’s pouting a little, and Michael thinks it may have to do with the fact that they’re typically writing partners and Michael’s branched off on this one. 

“Not yet.” 

“Well?” Ashton’s hands spread out in front of him like he expects Michael to show him. 

Any other time with any other song, Michael wouldn’t hesitate to start playing, to get Ashton’s feedback, but this is about something important. It’s about _Luke,_ and Michael’s being very meticulous with it. It’s why nothing feels right when he comes up with lyrics. Ashton’s input isn’t what he needs right now - he just needs to find his own clarity with the song. “It’s, uh,” he shakes his head. “It’s a little different than what we usually write. I don’t know if it’ll fit in with the next album or anything.” 

“Different how?” 

“I don’t know,” he answers honestly. He can’t place his finger on it, but this song is on a different plane than something like _Don’t Stop_. “It’s just… More personal, I guess.” 

“Can I hear it?” Ashton asks again, this time pouting, batting his eyelashes. “Please?” 

At first, Michael wants to say no again, but there’s no harm in just _playing_ the song, is there? He gives in easily, if only just so he has the validation that this can go somewhere, that saying the same sentence eight times over isn’t just a dead end and he should give up ever having written this. Just because it’s true doesn’t mean it needs to be a song. He gives in. 

When he strums the first chord of the building melody he has, Ashton leans forward, eyes locked on Michael’s fingers. It’s as Michael starts singing that Ashton’s eyes widen. He plays the only part of the song he has so far, just the lyric that keeps running through his head every time Luke smiles at him or cuddles him close, ‘ _You had me wrapped around your finger, I’m wrapped around your finger.’_

When he finishes, Ashton stays watching his fingers, even after they’ve stopped moving. “You’re right,” he finally says, drifting his gaze up to Michael’s worried green eyes. “That’s different.” 

“Different, bad?” 

“Different, sad. I think.” He tilts his head, and Michael worries his bottom lip with his teeth, waiting for the rest of his thoughts. “But beautiful, really beautiful. Do you have any other lyrics?” 

Michael shakes his head, sighing. “That’s all I can think of right now.” Nothing feels like Luke, not the way this does. 

“Would you want help with it?” Ashton offers. “I’d be happy to - ”

“No, that’s okay.” Michael feels a little bad for how quickly he shuts Ashton down, but he wants to suffer through this alone. If nothing comes of it, at least it’ll be honest of him. “I’m good just doing this one alone, I think.” 

Seeming to understand that he shouldn’t push, Ashton’s hand reaches across the gap in the beds, and his finger runs against Michael’s knuckles as he starts to stand. “I’ll leave you to it, then, Mike.” He makes to leave, but before he reaches the door, he turns around, adding, “Hey, whatever you end up doing, I know it’s gonna be great.” 

And then he’s gone, leaving Michael alone in the room for the next hour. It’s a time spent with him rewriting a verse that just ends up getting erased because it doesn’t fit with how his heart feels. And while he can’t seem to come up with anything that feels right, he’s happy to just mess around. All he’s been thinking about in his session is Luke, and he can never feel bad about that. 

Nearing dusk, Luke stumbles into the room, and Michael fingers immediately pause on his fret, not wanting Luke to hear an incomplete love letter to him. 

“Hey!” Luke grins, throwing himself on his messy bed. “Ashton said I could find you here. He said you were working on something really cool.” And fucking of _course_ Ashton wouldn’t think to keep quiet. He doesn’t know it’s all about Luke, so he didn’t know it was a secret. Luke doesn’t know it’s about him, either, but it makes Michael nervous, starting to sweat at his hairline at the thought of Luke knowing about it. “Can I hear it?”

“No, it’s not done yet, I don’t want you to,” Michael rushes out, head shaking vehemently. 

Luke pouts, looking different but just as convincing as Ashton did. “Ashton got to!” 

Thinking on it, Michael eventually sighs, biting his lip in preparation. It’s okay if he plays it - Luke won’t know it’s about him if Michael can just _act normal._ His voice shakes a little bit when he plays the bit of the song for Luke. He’s determined not to look at him, but he can feel Luke staring at him while he plays. 

We stops playing and keeps looking at the ground. “Michael.” And oh _god_. Michael knew he was too smart for his own good. He’s figured it out. He’s about to punch Michael in the throat and kick him out of the band. 

“Michael, I _love_ that.” 

With an exhale, Michael finally looks up. “You do?” 

“Don’t act so surprised,” Luke says. He’s rolling his eyes, but he’s laughing too. “It’s awesome. Do you want help writing it? I’m totally free right now if you want!” 

“Oh, I don’t think, um…” Just as Michael’s about to say no, Luke’s face falls slightly, and Michael’s gut wrenches. If he makes Luke sad, he might as well just die. It’s the only excuse he has for clearing his throat and changing his sentence trajectory. “I don’t think I can figure out the verses alone. Yeah. Yes. I would love help.” 

Luke beams and settles in next to him, starting to work on a song he has no idea is about him. As he starts shooting out ideas, scribbling in his notebook, Michael thinks the song really couldn’t be more true. 

  
  
  


_April 6_

Luke's beginning to think the slight infatuation he has for his bandmate might an issue. Sometimes it seems like he has everything under control, like he can think Michael's the best person in the world, and have it not mean anything, but days like today… it might mean something. 

They're filming the video for _Amnesia_ , and they have a really nice view of the city in front of them, but all Luke can do is watch Michael. It seems like it's all he wants to do these days. Michael's just so weird and funny and _cool_ , and sure, Luke's always known that, but it's just so much _more_ now. Now, he's this addictive presence to be around, and Luke can't get enough. He can't be in denial about it anymore, he has feelings for Michael. 

They’re all at the edge of the cliff, and Luke’s watching Michael contort himself upside down in the passenger seat of the old car. He keeps bending over in his laughter - finding Michael so funny as his feet stick outside of the window.

It’s been like this all day - Michael doing something, Luke being right there, watching, laughing, loving every moment of it. It’s dark out now, and he’s focused as they have Michael do a close up shot, playing his guitar on the hood of the car. He’s alternating between watching him in person and watching the screen of what’s captured, and his heart beats a little faster when Michael’s eyes look straight into the camera. 

As soon as they’re moving on and starting to discuss how they’ll film Calum, Michael slides off the hood. “Lucas!” He waves Luke over to where he’s looking over the view of Los Angeles at night. Luke goes to stand next to him at the cliff edge, feeling a little shy. “It’s pretty, isn’t it? All the lights at night.” 

“Pretty…” He can tell Michael what’s pretty. The color of his lips after eating Twizzlers - the color they are right now. Luke takes the time Michael’s looking out over the cliff to stare at them for a minute. He thinks maybe the reason he didn’t love kissing Calum was because it wasn’t Michael. Maybe he’d like the taste of Twizzlers more than sour gummies. 

Suddenly the camera man who’s filming behind the scenes for the shoot comes over. Michael sees him and immediately puts on a silly voice, making a joke for the edit. “Lookin’ back on _Don’t Stop_ , we only saved probably about this quarter of the city…” 

He gestures to part of the lights and Luke giggles at him. He goes along with it, but he knows he’s not doing a great job, he’s got too much on his mind. He’s going through something and he can’t get his head straight. 

“This time,” Luke adds, turning to the city and throwing his hands up for dramatic effect, “we’re gonna save all of it!” 

“This time we’ve got… the rest of it.” 

“With Amnesia,” Luke says, wanting to punch himself in the face. It’s not a joke, he saying nothing. 

Michael smiles anyways and goes along with it. “Amnesia.” 

“Am-nee-zia.” Luke’s got a side view of Michael at this angle, and he’s wearing an earring that looks incredible. Luke can’t think of anything to say, not when his head’s so full of all of this nonsense. 

Michael finishes off their small skit with a final “ _WHAM-WHEEZIA_ ” at the camera. The guy chuckles and shakes his head, clicking it off and walking away. Michael grins and turns to Luke, hand encircling his wrist. “Let’s get dinner, Lukey. If Calum’s hoarded all the mashed potatoes, help me murder him, okay?” He links their arms and drags Luke away from the cliff. Luke feels his face get a little hot at the close proximity, and he shakes his head. They touch all the time, this is nothing new. He needs to snap out of it. 

  
  
  


_May 9_

Not that ten in the morning is technically considered _early_ , but Michael's up early. He had every intention of staying in bed until well into the afternoon, but touring fucks him up, and here is is, early in the morning, leaning against the counter eating cheerios as two pieces of bread sit in the toaster behind him. 

He’s hungry, sue him. 

Not long after he’s pushed down the lever on the toaster, Ashton walks in wearing nothing but a pair of soft grey sweats, his hair pushed back with a red bandana, and his glasses slipping down his nose. He’s yawning, arms pulled back in a stretch, and Michael finds his eyes glued to the muscles at the bottom of his torso. 

“Morning.” 

“Morning,” Ashton returns, voice thick with sleep, eye’s lidded in his exhaustion. “We get more coffee?” 

“Mhmm. It's up there.” 

He gestures to the cabinet over his head. It's meant to be annoying, and he expects Ashton to shove him out of the way, but instead he just walks over and presses himself into Michael's space slowly, leaning into his body. “Up there?” he points to the cupboard. 

“Um.” Michael swallows his cereal, nodding dumbly. Ashton's warm and solid, and he smells really fucking good. He's looking at Michael through his eyelashes, but there’s something darker about his eyes as he leans into Michael. “Up there, yeah.” 

“Hmm.” Ashton’s eyes drop down between them, working their way up to his face. When his eyes go even further up, he smirks. “You know, I was thinking. It's been a while since you changed your hair.” Michael can only look at him, cereal forgotten in his hands. Ashton's very pretty, and he’s very close. He reaches up and runs a hand through Michael's hair. “I do like it green, though.” His finger gets caught on a tangle, and he pulls through it. Michael’s mind spins, hot under the collar as he wonders what the fuck is happening. “It's kinda hot.” 

It’s silent between them, just staring as Ashton plays with Michael’s hair - Michael’s breathing unsteady as he’s so confused, but a little turned on at the attention being paid to him. He doesn't quite know what he wants to happen, but he doesn’t want Ashton to move away, which he doesn’t, at least, not until Michael’s bread is done, coming up from the toaster with a _pop_. 

“Gonna get that?” Ashton asks, smirking. 

Michael nods and turns to get it, setting his now-soggy cereal on the counter. Ashton's still so close, and when he reaches up to get his coffee at the same time, Michael brushes against the seam of his pants with his ass, the outline of Ashton’s dick grazing him, and he feels himself blush. “Um… S-sorry.” 

“Don't be.” Ashton’s voice is husky in Michael’s ear, but he’s stepping away smoothly, leaving Michael cold and confused, as he starts to make his coffee. 

Not long after, Calum walks in, face soft and limbs loose. He doesn’t say anything, just goes straight over and hugs Ashton good morning, stealing his attention easily. 

“Sleep well, pup?” Ashton asks, a hand on Calum’s lower back. Calum nods and happily snuggles into him. 

It’s like a flip was switched in him, and Michael watches them both carefully. There was no mistaking what signals Ashton was sending, but Michael knows nothing can come of it. He can’t act on them, can’t do that to his best friend. Even if maybe he kind of wanted to - even if it had been a long time since he and Calum had gotten off together, and he was getting restless for some action. He respected Calum too much to step on his feelings like that. 

And even more, he doesn’t want to risk his chances with Luke. 

  
  
  


_May 27_

Touring is never going to get old, Michael knows that for sure, but what does get tiresome is the repetitive schedule they sometimes have. Even going out to the bars that three of them sneak Luke into isn’t as much of a novelty anymore. The only thing that’s really maintained fun through all of the things they’ve become accustomed to is being in each other’s company. Some nights the only thing they can do is sit on the hotel room floor in England, drunk off their asses and vodka, playing a game of Never Have I Ever like they’re a bunch of teenagers. 

Because at the end of the day, even with everything they’ve accomplished and how hard they work, they _are_ teenagers. 

Each statement Michael makes has been crafted meticulously, and he’s cautious to drink for a lot of what’s being asked. He doesn’t think he’s got a lot of secrets in his life, but Ashton still doesn’t know about him and Calum, and there are some things Michael’s done that he’d prefer if Luke didn’t know about. For that reason alone, he’s tried to stay as sober as he can - which is hard to do when he’s such a lightweight. 

Each drink he takes for the game is a sip, and nobody’s noticed enough to call him out yet. 

“Never have I ever…” Luke starts, swirling his glass around in his hand as he thinks his words over. He’s not too sloppy, but every time he blinks, it’s in slow motion. “Never have I ever shoplifted.” Michael keeps his glass down, but Ashton and Calum drink, both giggling when Luke gasps. “What did you take?” 

“Fish food,” Ashton says, a titled grin on his face. He’s not as drunk as Luke is, but Michael thinks he’s letting himself act more affected because everyone else is really drunk. It’s not the first time he’s done it - Michael think he just might be influenced more by other people than he thinks. 

“Why?” 

Ashton waves off Luke’s frown to explain, “I needed it and I forgot my wallet and I couldn’t be fucked to go back and get it.” 

With a stupid grin on his face, like he’s forgotten their conversation completely, Luke shakes his finger at Ashton. “Swear _jaaaar_.” Ashton rolls his eyes, and Luke moves on. “Calum, what did you steal?” 

“Mikey’s thirteenth birthday present.” Calum’s grinning like he’s proud, amber eyes glazed over with an unwavering quirk to his lips. Michael can tell immediately that he’s the least sober of them all. He always drinks too fast, and tonight is no exception. 

“The Pokemon cards?” Michael checks, remember the _World Championship Deck_ Calum gave him in Year Eight at lunchtime. He’d slid them over like they were drugs or something, and now Michael knows why. “Can’t believe those were contraband. Okay, my turn. Never have I ever… hated a song someone else in the band wrote.” 

It’s not _entirely_ true. Michael still holds an intense hate for _Out Of My Limit_ , but he wouldn’t dare tell Calum that. In all honesty, Michael’s just hoping that the alcohol will have the other confessing whether or not they hate anything he’s written - mostly whether they hate _Wrapped Around Your Finger_. 

He starts to get worried when all three of the other drink, each frowning at each other. When Michael makes eye contact with Ashton, he shakes his head. “Never telling.” 

“Never ever,” Calum agrees, slurring. 

“I’m not sure which one it was,” Luke says. He’s tapping his finger against his chin. He’s smirking though, as he emphasizes, “ _I can’t remember._ ” 

Calum throws his sock at him, but it barely grazes Luke’s shoulder with such a drunken aim. “It’s not _that bad._ ” Thinking back on it, it _was_ that bad, but Michael’s not going to admit to it. “Okay… never have I ever… kissed a girl.” Calum smirks, but it drops as soon as Michael and Ashton drink. “What? Mikey, _who_?” 

There’s a part of Michael pleased that Luke’s never kissed anyone - that he’s a kiss virgin, of sorts. It’s sweet, and it makes Michael kind of want to lean over and be his first one. He thinks that’d be something really special. 

As he turns away from where he’s been inadvertently staring at Luke’s lips, he sees Calum and Ashton staring at him and remembers he has a question to answer. “It was someone at the party after we finished the European leg of the Take Me Home tour.” 

“Did you…” Luke trails off, hands wringing in his lap. “Did anything else happen?” 

“No.” Michael shakes his head. “I was too drunk, so I just thanked her and went back to dancing with you.” He’s only slightly lying. He may have been drunk, but he wasn’t too drunk to go further with her. Truth is, when she hinted at sneaking off to the bathroom together, Michael wasn’t drunk enough to say yes - he couldn’t when his thoughts were filled with someone else. She was pretty, but she wasn’t as pretty as Luke. 

In the silence, Ashton huffs. “Anybody want to ask about mine?” 

“No, you’re hot,” Calum answers, waving him off. “We all understand.” 

Every time Calum gets drunk, he lets a bit of his guard down - not that he has a big one up all the time. There’s just a little more honesty in the way he flirts with Ashton, less of a joke about it. Ashton always takes it in stride, though. Like now, he’s grinning proudly, just at the compliment. 

“Alright then,” he says, smugness dusting his cheeks. “Never have I ever kissed a _boy_.” His eyebrows wiggle along with his words. 

Michael and Calum clink their glasses together before drinking in unity - that’s not what’s surprising about the question. Michael sees some movement in the corner of his eye, and turns to see Luke bashfully sipping from his cup. His heart stops. There’s no chance of Michael being his first kiss because Luke’s already had it… with a _boy_. 

Who the fuck has Luke been kissing? Why didn’t he tell Michael - they’re supposed to be _friends_. Friends share things like kissing boys and having secret boyfriends, and Michael thinks he’s about to start crying. 

“Lukey!” Ashton shouts, laughing loudly like Michael’s entire world isn’t falling apart. “Getting some action, that’s my boy!” 

Luke blushes, but doesn’t say anything, just squirms where he is. Michael tries to keep his voice even and quiet when he asks, “Who?” 

“Huh?” 

“Who was it?” he repeats, hoping he doesn’t sound as hysterical as he feels. “That you kissed? Was it… do we know him?” 

Biting his lip, Luke shakes his head. “I don’t wanna say. Forget it.” 

There’s a fear steadily pumping in Michael’s veins that he kissed someone they’ve been with the past year. If he’s kissed one of their sound or lighting guys, a fan on the road, or one of the guys of One Direction… Michael’s been next to Luke nearly every single day since they became friends, and Luke’s been kissing boys without him knowing. 

“No, Luke, tell me who it was, please?” He can’t help how desperate he sounds to know. He thinks he might die if he has to go a minute longer not knowing who stole Luke out from under him. “I’ll tell you who my first kiss was if you tell me yours.” Luke looks at him, considering, and Michael keeps pushing. “Come on, we’ll say it at the same time, let’s go.” 

When Luke nods, it should feel like a victory, but it doesn’t. Ashton giggles and counts for them. “One, two… three!” 

“ _Calum,_ ” Michael says as Luke speaks. It doesn’t register for a second that the name _Calum_ also came out of Luke’s mouth at the exact time. When it does, he’s sure he heard him wrong. There’s no way he heard right. He might just be less sober than he originally thought and heard his own voice as an echo. “What did you say?” 

“Um, Calum,” Luke says. He’s staring at his thigh where he’s playing with a loose strand on his boxers. “It was Calum.” 

All of the air has been stolen from Michael’s lungs. He feels betrayed and embarrassed and _hurt_ , but all Calum does is giggle, too drunk to realize what the fuck he’s done to Michael’s heart. 

Calum pokes Ashton’s cheek, offering, “Wanna make it three for three?” Ashton grins and shoves him playfully. They’re having a great fucking time together, but nothing’s funny to Michael right now. 

“When?” 

At the intensity of Michael’s tone, Luke starts to look nervous, the alcohol flushing his cheeks and the situation making his chest rise and fall quickly. “Um. A couple months ago?” 

“No, _when,”_ he tries again, needing Luke to be specific. _“_ Where?” He needs to know the exact moment Calum stopped being his friend. 

“At, um. When we filmed for She Looks So Perfect.” Luke doesn’t look up, and Michael doesn’t say a word. He’s never felt so deceived, so _hurt_ , and Calum’s too drunk to even understand what he’s done. “Mikey, you’re not… are you mad?” 

Most of him is upset, sad in a way that aches to his bones, but now that Luke’s asked, suddenly Michael can feel the anger, the _fury_ at everything. “You’re a hypocrite.” 

“What?” 

“You said it yourself,” Michael snaps, finger jabbing harshly into Luke’s chest. “Stuff like this could ruin the band! You told _me_ that when I… when I…” He can’t get the words out with Ashton around, because he doesn’t want to ruin things for Calum, because he’s a good _fucking_ friend, god _dammit_. 

“Mikey, it wasn’t like that,” Luke denies, head shaking, lips pouting. “It was barely anything, it wasn’t the same.” 

“It was _something_.” 

Not sensing how close Michael is to the edge, how close he is to breaking, Luke starts to ask, “Why are you - ”

“I’m going to bed,” Michael cuts him off, worried he might cry soon, or yell, or kill Calum, or all three at once, and he really can’t do that before they’re album is released. He climbs up onto the bed and shoves himself under the covers, letting himself cry silently as soon as he’s safely hidden. 

For the first time since Calum befriended Luke, even after Michael told him not to, he lets himself hate Calum for all he’s worth.

  
  
  


_May 28_

Calum’s woken up by a slap on the cheek. 

The worst part about the stinging hit to his soft skin is that it’s the least painful part of his body. His head is throbbing, his mouth is dry, and his lips are cracking. Every bone in his body creaks like the Tin Man without oil as he curls into himself. Before he can hide inside the turtle shell his half-drunken mind is convincing him he has, he’s slapped again. 

“Calum, wake up.” Michael’s whispering voice is still far too loud. Calum would like to never hear it again. 

“I’m dead.” 

Usually, that would make Michael laugh and either leave him alone, or gently continue to wake him up if it was an emergency. This time, he’s slapped _again_ , and Michael’s snapping, “Calum, wake the _fuck_ up. Now.” 

“Swear jar.” It comes out automatically, but when Michael doesn’t laugh, Calum opens one eye. Michael’s glaring down at him. He looks angry. 

It’s a startling sight because Michael doesn’t _get_ angry. Frustrated, sure. Bratty, maybe. But not angry. Every time Calum’s been on the end of Michael’s anger it’s been bad, and there’s a sinking feeling in his gut that this isn’t going to be fun. The hotel clock reads 4:44 am, and Michael seems wide awake - Calum closes his eyes tight. 

“I need to talk to you,” Michael says, voice curt. “Come to the other room with me.” Calum collapses out of the bed and drags himself into the adjacent hotel room, leaving Luke and Ashton passed out. The moment the door is closed behind him, Michael rounds on him. “Do you hate me?” 

“What?” Calum’s still a little sleep hazy, so not much is making sense to him. “Of course not, you’re my b - ”

“Your best friend?” Michael cuts him off, laughing mockingly, and the blurry border around the edge of Calum’s eyes starts to dissipate at the cold sound. “Yeah, that’s what I fucking _thought_. Only, my best friend wouldn’t go behind my back and kiss the boy I’ve been in love with for three years, would he?”

When the words hit, Calum’s mouth falls open. The fire in Michael’s tone burns like acid across Calum’s skin. He thinks back to kissing Luke on set, to the completely platonic situation it was. He hadn’t even been thinking about Michael, he was just purely trying to help Luke out. Obviously, Michael wouldn’t see it that way. If it were Calum in his position, he wouldn’t either. 

Letting the moment pass by, too stuck in his thoughts, Michael chokes on a hurt noise. “ _Fuck,_ it’s really true, isn’t it?” Calum opens his mouth to defend what happened, but Michael keeps going. “I hoped he was lying, cause he was drunk, I thought maybe he didn’t know what he was saying, but you really, you two _really -_ ”

He’s starting to get too worked up, and Calum doesn’t want this to get out of control. “Michael, I didn’t - ”

“Shut up!” Michael bites. He’s never sounded so aggressively angry, especially not targeted at Calum, and it hurts. “Shut the fuck up, right now, Calum. You don’t get to say anything to me. What the fuck could you possibly say?” He watches horrified as Michael starts to cry. “I _trusted_ you. I told you everything, and you _kissed_ him. You kissed _Luke_ , Calum. I would _never_ have done that to you, I never would have - ” Michael sobs, cutting himself off accidentally. Calum can’t think of anything to say - he feels like the worst person in the world. “All the boys in the world to kiss, and you fucking kissed Luke.” he wipes his eyes, rage still written all over his face. “You fucked up, Calum. You really fucked up.” 

It sounds like a threat, and Calum’s at a loss for words. He can’t explain himself, can’t get his point across without Michael shutting him down. “Mikey, please, I’m so sorry, it was - ”

“Save it. I can’t even look at you right now.” He turns around, shaking his head and wiping his face. “Get out, I want to be alone.” 

“Mike, _please_ . _”_

“Get _out_.” 

Calum sniffs, fist coming up rubbing at his eyes, hoping to stop the tears before they form. He leaves Michael alone in the room and makes his way back to the bed he fell out of, sitting on the edge. He feels like absolute shit. It was all an accident, and it happened so long ago, but he’s just ruined their friendship over something so _stupid_. 

His hiccuping gasps make Ashton stir, and soon he’s sitting up, scratching at his jaw with his eyes barely open. “Cal? What are you doing up?” 

Calum looks at him, and he looks so sweet and curious and safe that the tears start falling as soon as he opens his mouth to say, “I don’t feel so good.” Ashton holds out his arms, and Calum shuffles into him, crying softly, as he lets Ashton rock him back to sleep.

  
  
  


_June 12_

All of Luke’s teachers in school told him that alcohol ruins lives, and he never really believed them until now. 

If they weren’t drinking alcohol, they wouldn’t have been playing that stupid game, and Michael would have never found out Luke kissed Calum. Maybe then, things would be normal, and Michael wouldn’t have spent the last two weeks avoiding both of them as civilly as he could. 

It’s not even like the kiss meant anything. All it did was solidify the fact that Luke might be into Michael, but he can’t tell Michael that without exposing himself, and he doesn’t feel like getting rejected today. Hell, even if he _did_ feel like getting rejected, it’s not like Michael would actually allow them to talk long enough for Luke to share his feelings. 

When they’re on stage or in an interview, Michael’s all smiles, joking with them like it’s last year again, but as soon as they’re alone, he’s disappearing. He can be cordial with other people around, but he puts no effort in being Luke’s friend… all because he shared a mediocre kiss with a boy he doesn’t even like. 

They’ve just gotten off the bus and have fifteen minutes to themselves before they’re due for rehearsals. Michael and Ashton are sharing tonight - like they have been most nights now that Michael doesn’t want to look at Calum or Luke - and Luke wants to end the silent treatment once and for all. 

“Hey, Ash?” he asks, pulling him to a stop just outside of the elevator while Michael and Calum enter their separate rooms. “I know you and Michael are rooming together tonight, but I need to talk to him for a minute, can you go with Calum?” 

Never one to turn down time with Calum, Ashton agrees easily. Luke takes a second to be sad that he can only get Michael alone right now by trapping him, but hopefully that will come to an end soon enough. He enters Michael’s room and shuts the door behind himself. Michael turns around and looks at him, confused. “Oh. I thought Ashton was - ”

“I asked him to swap.” Luke drops his suitcase by the door, not caring that it’s blocking the entryway, and takes a step towards the beds. “You can still, um. He can still sleep here if you don’t want me to.” 

“I don’t care either way,” Michael says, shrugging, and it’s like a knife in Luke’s chest. Michael always cuddles him close and wants to be around him, and he just told him it doesn’t make a difference to him if Luke’s there or gone. 

Luke walks over to where Michael is, but stands about five steps away. “Are you mad at me?” He asks, biting his tongue in his mouth as he waits for the answer. 

“I’m not _mad_ ,” Michael says. He pulls out his phone, sits on his bed, and crosses his arms.

“You seem mad…” 

“Why would I be?” The edge to Michael’s voice is hard, an unkind sarcasm cutting through the room like steel. “It’s not like you got angry at me for hooking up with Calum and then went and did the exact same thing.”

What hurts is that when Luke found Calum on top of Michael, he was _jealous_. He knew it’d hurt the band because they were being careless and acting on their impulses. Even now, looking back, Michael and Calum didn’t like each other like that, and just fooling around for fun is messy - especially when you spend all your time together. 

When Calum and Luke kissed, it wasn’t for fun. They didn’t do it out of boredom or to relieve stress. Luke was trying to figure something out about himself, and neither of them went into it for anything other than to help Luke figure something out. They didn’t continue to do it after the once - they didn’t hurt anyone with it. 

“Mikey, it was nowhere close to being the same,” he says. He takes a seat on the edge of Michael’s bed, on the same side as him, and quietly explains himself. “We were talking. He asked me if I liked boys, and I told him I didn’t know. He kissed me to help me figure it out. That’s all it was.” Luke notices Michael’s wince when he mentions the kiss, but he doesn’t comment. 

“And?” 

Luke shakes his head, eyes wide as he stares into Michael’s. “And that was it. I swear.” 

“No, I mean…” He still looks upset, but his head is tilting consideringly as he thinks his words through. “Did you figure it out?” 

The kiss helped him figure a _lot_ out. He helped him realize that nothing was new - he likes Michael, and he has for a while. “I figured out I didn’t like kissing Calum.” 

“Oh.” 

“But, um.” Luke looks away, shaking his head. His face pinches, unsure if he should say what he’s about, but needing Michael to understand that the kiss between he and Calum meant nothing. “I think that’s because there’s another boy I’d rather be kissing.” 

Michael looks up at him when he says it, eyes a little wide. “Lucky guy.” 

“Mikey, I…” Luke looks back to Michael, suddenly distracted by his lips. They’re flushed red like always, and so sweet looking. He can’t help but bring this thumb up to touch them, just see if they’re as soft as they always look. Michael’s eyes flutter as he does, and he kisses Luke’s thumb gently, almost like a reflex. 

“Luke,” he whispers roughly as Luke drops his hand. The rise and fall of his chest mock the intimacy Luke wishes he could pretend was between them. “You have to tell me, do you want me to - ”

Luke’s nodding immediately - there’s no doubt in his mind that he wants whatever Michael’s offering in that moment, and Michael lets out a choked little noise before he’s surging forward and kissing Luke. 

It’s slow, at first, and incredibly unfamiliar. Luke’s only kissed one other person, and it was Calum, and it wasn’t great. But with Michael, it feels like so much _more_. Michael brings his hand up to cradle Luke’s face, and he’s kissing him so sweetly and perfectly Luke could die. 

With soft sighs and lips as plush as fairy floss, kissing Michael is on a different level than he ever could have thought possible. His lips are so full and soft, and he keeps pulling little noises out of Luke that Michael mirrors. He can’t sit still, so much excitement and contentment battling it out in his body, making his hands shake. He strokes one through Michael’s hair, groaning when he can feel Michael smile a little against his mouth before he kisses Luke a little harder, sliding his tongue into his mouth, and… and that’s _very_ different. 

This kind of kissing makes Luke feel _hot,_ and he makes a louder little moan than before into Michael’s mouth, who grips Luke’s shoulder firmly, stroking the skin there with his thumb and Luke’s heart is beating so hard he might die, but it doesn’t matter because this feels so so _so_ good. Being here, being so close to Michael is everything he’s never known he could want and he never wants to stop - 

“Come on!” A loud banging on the door startles them apart. Calum’s voice bellows through the room. “Luke, Michael! We’ve gotta go, rehearsals in twenty and the car’s here!” 

Michael whines as Luke starts to move off the bed. He’s looking at Luke with an expression Luke has seen on his face countess times, of pure adoration, but this time there’s something heavier mixed in, and it makes Luke squirm. “We have to go,” he says dumbly, regretting it as it falls from his lips. 

“Yeah,” Michael agrees, but he leans in and kisses Luke again. He knows they have to go, but he lets himself get wrapped up in it all over again, only taken out of it when _Ashton’s_ voice cuts them off this time. 

“You have to be in the car, like, now!” He bangs on the door once for emphasis.” 

Not pulling away, Luke whispers against Michael’s mouth. “Mikey, we have to. We’ll - ” Michael kisses him softly one last time, and he melts into it. “We’ll talk soon.” 

Michael nods, smiling softly. “Soon,” he promises.

It takes a moment, but they both collect themselves and stumble out of the hotel room door, running down the stairs to catch up with the rest of their band, hoping they don’t miss their ride. 

  
  
  


_June 16_

Soon doesn’t always mean right away. It’s been four days, and Luke _still_ hasn’t been able to find the time to talk to Michael about their kiss. 

With their album coming out at the end of the month, they haven’t had much time to themselves. It’s been interviews and performances and photoshoots - day in and day out - from the moment they wake up until the moment they go to bed. It’s by far the busiest Luke’s ever been in his life, and he’s barely had time to sleep and eat, let alone have such a big conversation. 

Though maybe it’s not such a bad thing that they haven’t sat down yet. Luke doesn’t even know what he’d say. Kissing Michael had been the best moment in his life when it happened, but looking back, it was just the passion of the moment. Luke wanted it, he thinks he’ll always want to kiss Michael for the rest of his life, but Michael wanted it _differently_. 

If Luke is to be smart about this, he has to put his feelings aside. Michael doesn’t like him the same way Luke likes him. He was probably just looking for a hookup the way he had with Calum. And as much as Luke knows Michael would never do anything to intentionally hurt him, Luke knows he wouldn’t take the ending of such an arrangement very well. He knows he couldn’t handle being a stress reliever - not with Michael. 

Right now Luke has his very first moment of peace while Michael and Ashton are finalizing some instrumentals for the album. The bus is quiet, Calum sitting in the lounge, losing at FIFA. Luke sits down next to him with a sigh that he can’t help but let out. 

“Something’s on your mind,” Calum notes as he misses another block. 

“Nah.” 

“I wasn’t asking, I was telling.” When his team finally loses, Calum shuts off the game, turning to face Luke, setting his arm on the back of his couch and leaning his head on his hand. “What are you thinking about, Lukey-poo?” 

Luke sighs, mirroring Calum’s position. “I’m not ready to talk about it.”

“Boy problems?” It’s clear that it’s just a joke, not meant to be taken seriously, but when Luke shrugs, Calum raises his eyebrows. “Oh?”

“I don’t know,” Luke says, cringing when it comes out with a whine. He’s really stuck on it all, at it’s making him sound like a baby. If he actually took the time to explain his issues, he thinks he’d sound even worse. “I don’t know what to do. But I don’t wanna talk about it. Sorry.” 

Despite being shut down, Calum doesn’t seem bothered by Luke’s denial to share with him. “Who do you usually talk about something like this with?” 

The answer is easy: his mom. 

But Liz is on the other side of the world, probably telling everyone how proud she is of her semi-famous son, playing shows around the globe and not getting into unnecessary drama. _He’s one of the good ones_ , she used to say about him when she’d show Luke’s aunts his report card, when she’d share his YouTube videos on Facebook, when they interviewed her for the radio. This isn’t something he’s ready to tell her… to disappoint her with. 

Because that’s the case, isn’t it? She’d be disappointed in him. Here is he is, living the life he’s always dreamed, and he’s being brought down by his feelings, he’s threatening their impending success because he has a little crush on somebody that will never see him as more than a convenient hook up. 

Not only that, but he doesn’t think he’s ready for her to know that he likes _boys_ , likes _Michael_ , or anything of the like. She’s his closest confidante, and Luke doesn’t feel like he can share this with her… And that makes up Luke’s mind for him. He’s not ready for any of this. No matter how good it felt in the moment, he has to think of the band. 

Michael was right, the night they all drank. He’s not going to be a hypocrite. He’s not going to let Michael make the same mistake over again that he did with Calum, especially when Luke has real feelings, when he has something to lose. 

  
  
  


_June 18_

“I’m glad we finally have time to talk.” 

The past few days have been the best of Michael’s entire life, and he’s been over the goddamn moon. Sure, he and Luke haven’t had a chance to talk yet, but they do now, and it’s all been leading up to them _finally_ getting together. He knows he’s been more clingy when they’re snuggled up in the hotel room at night, and he’s been more in Luke’s space on stage, but he can’t help it. Finally kissing Luke after waiting _years_ was like Michael’s own personal heaven, and he can’t wait to do it again and again and again. 

When they finally get spare time - a rare night off from all of their promo work, Luke pulls him to the back lounge of the bus. They’re staying in another hotel for the night, but before they make their way up, Luke sits him down on the couch. He’s anxiously twisting his fingers, but Michael doesn’t feel the same nerves going through him - this is everything he’s been waiting for. He reaches out and takes his hands, rubbing over his knuckles softly. 

“Me too,” he agrees, unable to wipe the silly smile off his face. Luke’s just so beautiful, and Michael wants to write a thousand poems about him.

“Michael, what happened the other day…” he starts, and Michael looks up to see him avoiding eye contact. “I don’t think we should do that again.”

At the same time that Luke’s hands drop from his own, the bottom drops out of his stomach. “Oh.” 

“I think it’s a bad idea, I just. We have to think about the band, what if people get like, feelings, and it makes things complicated?” Luke’s description feels like the final lock on the cell of Michael’s emotions, trapped inside of himself with no sign of ever being free, of ever being reciprocated. Luke doesn’t have feelings. If hearts could shatter, Michael’s would be lying on the floor in a million pieces. “Sorry, I’m sorry, I just think it’s best for everyone.” 

Michael starts nodding, and when he responds, everything feels hollow, like he’s watching himself talk rather than actually saying it. “Yeah. Yeah, you’re probably right.” He stands up, swaying a bit as the blood and rejection rushes to his head. “I’m gonna. Go get packed up. I’m gonna room with Ash tonight, I think.” 

“Mikey, I’m sorry - ”

And Luke just sounds so upset with himself, probably upset for not liking Michael, something he couldn’t help. “Don’t be,” Michael says softly, surprised to find he actually means it. “You’re right, totally right. It was a mistake.” 

It _was_. Now that he knows what it’s like to kiss Luke, everyone else in the world is ruined for him.

  
  
  


_June 18_ ( _Later_ )

It seems weird when Calum comes sulking up to Ashton, saying he’s going to room with Luke for the night, but it’s even more odd when he wanders into his and Michael’s room to find said boy underneath the covers, sobbing with an intensity Ashton doesn’t think he’s ever seen. 

“Mikey?” Ashton asks with trepidation, not wanting to startle him. Michael doesn’t answer him, just pulls the covers over his face and keeps crying. Ashton has no idea what’s going on, but he always feels such a strong need to protect his three best friends, so he walks over to Michael’s bed and touches his shoulder through the blankets, rubbing softly. “Michael, what’s wrong?” 

He doesn’t respond right away, but Ashton can see his heaving breaths through the movement of the blanket, and he waits patiently. Whatever is going on clearly did a number on Michael, so Ashton gives him time. 

When the gasping sobs turn into deep, stuttering breaths, Michael pulls the covers down a little and wipes his eyes. “I, um,” he pauses to sniffle. “I thought someone that I liked, liked me back. But it turns out they don’t. I’m just being stupid.” He wipes his eyes, his hand landing awkwardly on the bridge of his nose as he starts shaking his head. 

“You’re not stupid, Mike,” Ashton consoles, picking his hands up to sit on the bed and open his arms in an invitation. “Come here.” 

Without hesitation, Michael sits up and cuddles into Ashton, who rubs comfortingly at his shoulder, careful not to say a word in case Michael wants to speak. “I just really thought we had something, me and this person. I really thought they might like me back.” He interrupts himself with a choked cry. “I should have known.” The self-depreciation hits Ashton hard, and soon he’s pushing Michael away slightly, so he can wipe his tears and look him in the eye. Michael’s crying and puffy and red, and yet he still looks perfect. 

“Should have known? Michael, how could you? Look at you.” He gestures between them at Michael, at his button nose and emerald eyes and pillowy lips, with his white-blonde hair and contagious laugh - who _wouldn’t_ love him? 

“What do you mean?” Michael asks, sniffing again, wiping at the tears drying at the corner of his eyes. 

“Come on,” Ashton laughs, shaking Michael’s shoulders all too gently. “ _Look_ at you. I’m serious, you’re fucking hot. Whoever this person is, they’d be crazy not to want you.” 

He’s hoping it’s the self-esteem boost Michael needs to realize that he’s fucking perfect, that just because some fucking idiot didn’t want Michael, that doesn’t mean he’s not so fucking amazing. It takes a minute for Michael to say anything, staring up at Ashton from underneath his long eyelashes, thinking something over, but not sharing what it is. 

“Do you?” he finally asks. 

The question throws Ashton off a little bit. He leans back, eyes narrowed. “What?” 

“Want me?” 

“Michael, I - ”

There’s no time for Ashton to even really think about what Michael’s asking him. He leans forward, kissing Ashton hard and fast. It’s a bit awkward, their noses butting against each other, but Michael’s leaning back before it can feel too weird. “Do you want me?” 

Ashton’s nodding before he really even thinks about it. It’s a visceral reaction at this point. Yes, of course he wants him. He’s been half-wanting this since they filmed the Valentine’s video in his old bedroom two years ago. Michael’s hot, and he wants Ashton, so he initiates it, lips molding against Michael’s enthusiastically. 

When Ashton was in high school, he was kind of popular. He dated two girls, and even got a hand job at a party once, but he’s never kissed a boy before. He’s always been attracted to them, but he never had an opportunity like this. Now that he has one of the hottest guys he’s ever met in his life half-sitting in his lap, tongue eagerly licking into his mouth, he doesn’t think he ever wants to stop. 

It’s nice at first, but as it always is with Michael, he gets restless after too much of the same thing, body twitching as he tries to get comfortable on top of Ashton. He lets it happen for only a little before he leans forward a little, guiding Michael back on the bed, and lying on top of him. Their mouths don’t part for even a second. He's so lucky, he knows. Michael's so hot, and he's moaning into Ashton's mouth like it’s the best thing ever, and if he continues like that, Ashton’s dick just might rip his zipper. 

Not able to take the tension without relief, Ashton starts grinding down, gasping when Michael meets him halfway each time, body moving like he’s used to this - like he’s done this before. 

“Mikey,” Ashton moans. Michael sighs as Ashton starts kissing down his neck, sloppy and biting, too distracted by the pressure against his dick. “Fuck, you're so hot, I've wanted - ” He cuts off abruptly with a moan as Michael reaches down to rub at him over his jeans. 

The hand stills for a second as Michael looks up to him with wet, earnest eyes. “You wanted me?” 

Ashton nods as best as he can with the Michael’s hand rubbing over him. “Yeah, wanted to touch you, wanted to - ” He stops himself, doesn’t want to go too far and embarrass himself, but Michael pushes for more. 

“Tell me, please,” Behind his begging lie sad eyes, something broken that Ashton just wants to mend. Whoever this person was, whoever hurt Michael, really must have meant a lot. “Want you to tell me.” 

“Shit, Mikey,” Ashton groans, dropping his head into the crook of Michael’s neck, nipping the sensitive skin with blunt teeth. “Wanted to fuck you.” 

“Wanted to?” His hands pick up, a newfound confidence in his strokes against Ashton’s jeans. Ashton starts trailing sloppy kisses down his skin. 

“Want to,” he ammends. “ _Wanna_ fuck you.” 

Michael doesn’t say anything at first, but when he does, it’s with a breathy tone. “ _Yeah_.” 

_“_ Y-yeah?” Ashton pushes up to his knees, putting distance between them to catch his breath and clear his mind. “Do you… is that something you'd…” 

Finding his wording is impossible. He’s never fucked anyone before, he’s suddenly very out of his depth. But Michael’s looking up at him with all of the trust in the world, needing to feel validated, needing to feel wanted, and Ashton really wants him - so fucking bad. His cock has never been this hard, and Michael’s biting his lip, legs spread around Ashton’s waist… Okay, they’re they’re going to do this. 

When Michael nods, it’s like the floodgates open, all the pent up desperation and sexual frustration from being on the road bleeding out between them. He leans down to kiss Michael, while Michael’s hands go straight for Ashton’s jeans, popping the button open and making an impatient noise when they don’t come down all the way. 

“I have stuff, let me get…” He throws himself off the bed and towards where he dropped his suitcase next to the bed. He has lube in there so he doesn’t chafe when he’s getting off alone in his bunk, but now that Michael’s here, ready to get off _with_ Ashton… He grabs his condoms while he’s down there too , and unopened box he bought a few months ago, just in case. 

Michael’s confused voice rings out, “Stuff?” 

“Yeah, I mean.” He stands up, making his way back over to the bed. “You need this.” He waves the lube and condoms in the air and Michael blushes. 

“Oh, duh, yeah.” He’s undressing as Ashton approaches, and when he’s completely bare Ashton just stares for second. He’s so hard, Michael’s so fucking beautiful, and Ashton doesn’t know what the fuck to do next. Michael gestures to the clothing still on his body, and Ashton nods, taking his shirt off. 

“Oh. Right, right.” He undresses quickly and climbs back on the bed, kissing Michael again, finding distraction in the way he sighs softly into Ashton’s mouth. 

It starts off slow again, but picks up quickly when Michael pushes his hips up to grind against him, and Ashton gasps. Everything feels overwhelming in the best way, and he can’t get enough of it. Suddenly, Michael takes the lube out of his hand and pushes Ashton back a little so he’s on his knees on the bed. Ashton watches as Michael uncaps the lube, pours it onto two fingers, and rubs them against his entrance. 

With his mouth gaping and his eyes nearly bulging, Ashton takes in Michael’s silent gasp as he slides a finger in. Ashton’s dick is going to be there soon… holy _shit_. 

“Have you done this before?” Ashton asks in awe. “This part, I mean?” 

“Yeah,” Michael nods, his voice airy, going straight to Ashton’s cock with how needy he sounds. Michael slides a second finger in and spreads them apart so easily. It doesn’t look there’s be enough fingers in the world that’ll open him up enough for Ashton to fuck him, but _god_ it’s hot to watch him try. 

“What does it feel like?” he wonders. 

With a moan, Michael fucks his fingers into himself harder. His eyes are squeezed shut, lip caught between his teeth as he works himself over. “Feels… feels weird at first. But it gets - ” He cuts himself off with a gasp, and Ashton sees his dick twitch on his stomach. There’s a bead of precum at the tip, and Ashton just wants to fuck rest of it out of him. “It gets good.” 

It’s like a fantasy come true watching Michael fuck himself, but Ashton feels bad that he’s not helping at all, that he isn’t the one to force those noises out of Michael’s mouth. He scoots closer, reaching a tentative hand out. “Can I? I want to help.”

Michael nods quickly, and Ashton puts lube on one finger, and starts to push it in next to Michael’s. He’s stopped when Michael gasps and his face scrunches up. Ashton immediately slides it out, feeling his stomach curl up in guilt. 

“Sorry, sorry,” he rushes to apologize. “I’m so sorry.” 

“No, it’s okay, just, go slow,” Michael says. His own fingers are still slowly spreading out. “Try again?” 

Not wanting to hurt him, but not wanting to wimp out either, Ashton takes a deep breath and pushes his finger in as slow as possible. Michael looks less uncomfortable this time, a jagged breath falling from his shaking lips. Ashton’s eyebrow raises, cautious before moving again. “It’s okay?” he checks. “You’re okay?” 

“I’m good, I’m good.” They work together, stretching Michael open for Ashton’s dick, and he’s more than hypnotized, just watching, touching Michael so intimately, stroking himself a little because how can he _not_? “Ash, I think I’m good, can you…”

His head nods down between them, towards where Ashton’s cock is throbbing against his stomach, and his eyes go wide. This is the moment… this is when they - 

“Yeah, let me, let me.” He reaches down for the condom, failing to open the wrapper on the first two tries, but finally getting it out with his teeth. He slides it on clumsily, hands shaking and stomach muscles flexing with his harsh breathing. “How do you want to?” 

Michael doesn’t think about it for long. “Like this is good, I think.” He’s lying on his back with his knees bent, spread wide to accommodate Ashton. He scoots down a little so his ass is right by Ashton’s dick. 

“Yeah, okay.” Ashton nods, trying not to get too overwhelmed by what’s going to happen. He reaches down and slides his dick against Michael’s hole a few times before he starts to push in, and… oh _fuck_. 

It’s heaven, smooth and hot and _wet_ , and Ashton’s going to cum way too fast he already knows. If he makes its past one more deep breath, he’ll be proud. He slides all the way in a fluid motion, pushing past the resistance easily. 

When he’s all the way in, Michael gasps brokenly, hands reaching up and holding Ashton’s biceps in his tights fists, nails slightly biting into the skin. “Wait, wait a minute.” 

Biting his lip against immediately pulling out and feeling the pressure all over again, Ashton nods. “Yeah, okay, yeah, I can do that.” It feels like a lie. His arms are shaking, he toes are curling, and he feels like he’s about to burst at the seams. 

“Kiss me?” Michael asks, and Ashton nods enthusiastically, leaning down to fuck his tongue into Michael’s mouth, using it as a distraction to do what his dick can’t. When he adjusts suddenly to get a better angle, his cock shifts inside of Michael, and it’s so fucking much. Michael gasps against his lips. “ _Fuck,_ I think maybe, yeah, you can move?” 

Saying a quick prayer that he doesn’t have to fight his urges anymore, Ashton pulls out slowly, almost letting the head pull out - but not quite - and then he’s sliding back in. Michael’s tight around him the entire way, and Ashton knows he’s not going to last long at all. He thrusts slow, a few times, fucking the hottest whines out of Michael, and it’s too fucking good. 

“Mikey, I’m sorry,” he apologizes as he thrusts for the sixth time, “I’m gonna, _fuck,_ oh fuck, I’m - ” His slams his way inside, cumming harder than he ever has in his life. He buries his face in Michael’s neck, thighs shaking with how good it is, with how fucking amazing it feels to cum inside somebody. Only, when he realizes how quickly it ended, his cheeks start burning with embarrassment. “Sorry, I’m sorry.” 

“No, it’s okay,” Michael whispers. His hands are still on Ashton’s shoulders. 

He pulls out slowly, slipping the filled condom off and tying it at the end. He tosses it into the trash by the bed and looks back to where Michael’s breathing heavily, still hard as he stares up at Ashton. “I can, if you want me to, I want you to cum.” 

“Yeah, if you want to,” Michael nods. Ashton reaches down, stroking Michael’s dick. He only manages a few glides on the wet skin before Michael’s moving a bit uncomfortably. “Could you, um…” 

“What do you want?” 

“Fingers?” He asks, eyelashes wet as he looks up from under them. “Feels good, Ash.” 

Ashton puts more lube on two fingers and pushes them in slowly, not wanting to hurt Michael again. Michael moans a little bit, and Ashton’s glad that he didn’t ruin things by cumming way too soon. In fact, Michael seems just as gone as he is, grinding down against Ashton’s fingers, whining for more. 

“Are you…” 

“Mhmm,” Michael hum, head lolling back against the pillow, “just a little more.” 

Ashton keeps stroking him and pushing his fingers in his ass clumsily, and after a few more moments, Michael shudders and cums on his tummy. It’s hot to watch, and Ashton thinks maybe if he didn’t feel so embarrassed after the first round, he’d want to go again. He pulls his fingers out and leans in to kiss Michael. It seems like the right thing to do, even when Michael kisses him back weakly.

Ashton runs to the bathroom and gets a towel to wipe him off, tossing it to the side when he’s done. Michael snuggles into the bed, and Ashton wonders, “Do you- do you want to share the bed?”

It feels a little weird, the dynamic between the two of them after having done this, but they’re both adults, and they can hook up without making things awkward. Michael bites his lip and shrugs. “Yeah, if you want to.”Ashton gets into bed with him, molding himself to Michael’s back. 

It wasn’t meant to, but Ashton thinks this was needed, that this only helped cement the fact that he while Michael’s incredibly fucking hot, there isn’t anything romantic between them. Maybe he’d feel more concerned if there was a chance that Michael would feel differently, but he seemed to be really wrapped up in whoever broke his heart - Ashton’s certain they’re on the same page with this. 

Oddly enough, that’s not what he falls asleep thinking about. The only thing on his mind is what Calum would be like after getting fucked. If he would want Ashton to hold him tight and tell him he was perfect. He probably would have been perfect - Ashton only hopes he’ll get the opportunity to find out. 

  
  
  


_June 19_

The morning after losing his virginity, Ashton wakes up feeling on top of the fucking world. Somehow, in the course of the past twelve hours or so, Ashton’s sorted out his feelings regarding Michael and still got some great sex out of it. 

Also, completely unexpected, but he thinks he knows where he lies regarding Calum. There’s something there, something more than just the base attraction he felt with Michael. This is more, _better_. Ashton thinks he could fall in love with him if Calum would let him. Knowing that, knowing where he stands with his own emotions, is a blanket of contentment over Ashton’s mind. There’s not an ounce of worry in his body. 

Except, when he looks at his phone and sees that they’re filming _Voodoo Doll_ live in two hours, they’re might be a _little_ worry. 

“Mike, wake up!” He flings his hand over and slaps Michael gently on the chest. Some time in the night they’d untangled their bodies from each other, Michael rolling to the other edge of the bed. “Up, up!” Michael grumbles, curling deeper into the bedding, so Ashton sits up and shakes his shoulders. “We have to go soon, get in the shower.” 

Michael typically takes way longer to do his hair, so he can have first shower. In the meantime, Ashton sets out his clothes for the day and cleans up from last night slightly. He gets slightly distracted by the sight of Michael slightly limping. It brings out an alpha-male pride knowing he’s the reason behind it. 

The vibration of his phone on the dresser brings him out of it, and he lights up seeing that Calum’s texted him. 

**_8:12 - Pup_ ** _: see you soooon! bring me cheesy snacks from vending machine???_

He smiles and makes sure he has change in his pocket to grab them on the way down. Calum could probably get them himself, but Ashton likes taking care of him. He likes that Calum relies on him for things. He likes that he likes him, and he loves that _knows_ he does. 

Today is going to be a great day. 

*****

Luke’s been pacing the floor of their _One Mic, One Take_ recording, waiting for Ashton and Michael to show up. They were running behind this morning, so Calum and Luke took an earlier car, but all Luke’s wanted to do since he left the bus last night is make sure that he and Michael are alright - that he didn’t completely fuck over this friendship, the best thing that’s ever happened to him, all because of his feelings. 

In the bus yesterday, Michael seemed really put out, sad in a way that was almost too much to be about Luke not wanting to just hook up, and he needs to check in on him, but he doesn’t know if he’ll have enough time before filming commences. 

With ten minutes before they’re due on set, Michael and Ashton arrive. Ashton immediately veers off course towards Calum, handing him a bag of something and pulling him into a tight hug, covering his giggling face in kisses. Luke wishes Michael would do that to him. 

Instead, Michael comes bouncing into the room, full of energy and looking miles better than he did yesterday. He heads to the craft service table, unwrapping a cheese stick and shoving it into his mouth. He doesn’t seem sad about Luke at _all_ \- something he tries not to let get to him as he approaches, pulling Michael off a little more towards the side. 

“Hey, are we okay?” 

“Totally,” Michael answers, leaning against the amp behind him, wincing a little. Luke thinks he must’ve hit a corner or something. “Why wouldn’t we be?” 

It hits harder than it should. Of course Luke didn’t want Michael to be torn up, didn’t want him to be inconsolable, but seeing him so casual makes Luke realize that Michael never really cared about him like that… he was smart to call the whole thing off. 

“Okay.” Luke nods, taking a step back, trying not to get too inside his own head. “Just checking.” 

“I’ll be fine, Lukey,” Michael promises, standing up a bit straighter. “I might need a little time, but I’ll be okay.” 

There’s a small bit of him that cared a little, Luke hopes, if he needs some time. At least it wasn’t completely nothing. “Just thought I’d check.” 

With a small smile, Michael’s palm lands heavily on Luke’s shoulder. “Thanks. Now let’s go kill this thing.” Luke follows him to the set, feeling somehow better _and_ worse about the situation. 

*****

“Hey, what’s up,” Michael says to the camera, introducing their _One Mic, One Take_ performance. He can’t stop smiling, and he knows it’s just because of last night. He’s still sad, still feels like once he takes the time to think about it, he’ll need to cry just as hard as he did last night, but after Ashton, after knowing somebody wanted him… it makes him feel like maybe he can be okay. It makes him feel more himself than he has in a long time. “It’s 5 Seconds of Summer. We’re gonna be doing _Voodoo Doll_. A new original.”

It’s not new, not really. They’ve been playing it on tour for the past year since Ashton and Calum wrote it, but it’s a track off the album, and it’s new enough. Even so, Ashton still laughs at the intro and Michael just feels _good_ today. 

When they start playing, the energy just flows between them all. Ashton’s laughing, and Calum’s tilting his head back and forth with his lips pursed in a silly way. Feeling the energy, when the first break in the instrumental hits, Michael lets out a loud “ _Woooo!_ ” 

Everything goes just as it did in rehearsal, but there’s something between everyone that has them all giggling as they play. Michael has to work to adjust his footing, the way he’s sitting isn’t exactly comfortable with how sore he is from last night, so he has to sit in a wider stance, but after that, everything gets fun again. 

He notices Calum staring at him with a grin, something friendly that hasn’t been there in weeks. Lately, ever since Michael found out about Luke and Calum kissing, they haven’t been on good terms. Michael still feels betrayed by Calum, but he’s beginning to understand where he was coming from. Hell, Michael did a lot more with Ashton, and he feels on top of the world. He thinks maybe it’s time to forgive Calum, to move on. He was hurt before, but he doesn’t have any right to be… not when Luke doesn’t like him at all. 

The loose white shirt he threw on this morning starts slipping from his shoulder. His first instinct is too fix it, but it makes him a little naughty, like last night was just the start of his sexual journey through life. He leaves it down and sings his verse, feeling more confident in his voice than he has in a while, yelling out the words, harmonizing with Calum when the chorus comes. 

Everything is great. He’s in the moment, he’s riding the high, and he can’t come down. 

*****

After they finish filming _Voodoo Doll_ , Calum feels oddly hopefully. Throughout the performance, Michael was playful with him, sticking his tongue out, and helping him tease Luke. Calum wonders if that means they’re friends again - it'd definitely be good news to tell his journal. 

“Hey,” Michael calls out to him as they’re making their way down the hall to the car. “About Luke?” 

“Yeah?” 

“I forgive you.” That’s all Michael says before he’s running to catch up with the rest of the band, and Calum watches him go, confused. There was definitely something off about him, something weird that isn’t typical for Michael.

Part of Calum is glad that they seem to be over this hump of a feud between them, but most of his is just curious what could’ve changed. 

  
  
  


_June 21_

“Hey, can I talk to you for a minute?” 

Luke looks up to see Ashton standing at the doorway to the back lounge. He’s got a notebook in his hand, but he’s holding onto it too tightly, crinkling the edges of it. He looks nervous, stiff in a way Luke’s never seen him. He closes out the YouTube video he was watching, wondering what could’ve happened to make him look so anxious. 

“Yeah, what’s up?” 

Ashton makes his way in the lounge and sits on the couch, scooting incredibly close to him. “Okay, I have to tell you something, and I really need you to keep it to yourself, Luke,” Ashton insists, voice low. Luke’s confused and a little nervous himself. He’s keeping too many secrets lately, and he thinks his head might explode if he has to hold anything else in. “Something happened a few days ago.” 

“Okay?”

“With me and Michael,” he clarifies. Luke bites his lips against saying anything. He wonders if they got in a fight or something, and hopes that it’s not true. There’s so much tension between everyone, they really need just one normal day. 

“We slept together.”

Luke sits patiently, waiting for the other shoe to drop, but nothing comes. “Okay?” he repeats, not sure what the issue is. He and Calum cuddled last night. All of last year was spent with Michael’s arms wrapped around him. “We all sleep together all the time, what’s wrong with that?” 

“No, we like…” Ashton trails off with a groan. His hands are clenching around fists of his sweatpants before he says, “We had sex.”

And _oh_. Oh no… 

Luke’s blood freezes in his veins. He stares wide eyed at Ashton, not able to say anything even as he’s clearly awaiting a response. It doesn’t feel real, feels like a joke, that Ashton and Michael had sex. 

But then again, Michael and _Calum_ were hooking up last year for who knows how long, and only stopped when they got caught. The idea that Michael has sex with Ashton, who’s objectively super fucking hot, it’s makes sense. It also makes him want to curl into himself and die, thinking that he was almost one of Michael’s hookups - just another person to fuck around with while the monotony of tour got too stressful for him. 

“Um. Oh.” 

“He was upset about something,” Ashton continues, not hearing the catch in Luke’s voice, “and we were talking and it just kind of happened.” 

“He was upset?” Luke asks, sitting up straighter when he hears. He can think of only one time recently that Michael was alone in a hotel room, upset about something. “When?” 

Giving Luke a weird look, Ashton tilts his head. “Uh...Wednesday? At the hotel?” And okay… Right. That was right after they talked. _Great_ . Luke didn’t want to hook up with Michael so he went straight to Ashton to get his rocks off, just what Luke wanted to hear. “It’s not gonna happen again, though.” Cool, _amazing_. Luke doesn’t care. Ashton and Michael already ruined everything - it doesn’t matter if it happened again. “That’s why I wanted to talk to you, I think I realized something after. I think uh, I think I really like Calum.” 

Luke fights the urge to roll his eyes and throw his hands in the air. “Great!” 

“Great?”

“Yeah, great!” Luke laughs. It comes out with a sarcastic edge, the pain he’s feeling coming out as anger. “All you had to do to finally realize you like Calum was to fuck Michael! That’s great, Ashton!” 

Ashton narrows his eyes cautiously. “I feel like you’re not actually happy about this.” 

“‘CAUSE I’M NOT,” he shouts. He stands up, unable to stay still when Ashton fucked Michael, only to come in here and tell Luke. It’s cold and callous, the way he never even thought of the repercussions of his actions. “You’re so fucking selfish, are you kidding me?” 

“Woah, what?” 

When Ashton stands up himself, shoulders squared, Luke takes a sick pleasure in the fact that he’s taller, that as muchas Ashton intimidates him, Luke can still look down on him.

“Why would you fuck Michael if you don’t have feelings for him? Just for fun?” 

“I mean, yeah, kind of.” Ashton shrugs, his face is etched in confusion. He’s completely oblivious to what he’s done, and Luke just wants to make him feel this pain. “What’s going on, Lukey? Did I do something - ”

“Yeah, you did,” Luke snaps. “Good luck with Calum, Ash. You’re gonna fucking need it.” 

  
  
  


_July 2_

It’s been two weeks since Michael and Ashton slept together, and guilt has started to sink in. 

To be fair, the guilt hit two days after it happened, but it’s been slowly building since then. Every day feels worse than the last, and doesn’t know how much longer he can take it. He knows he can’t tell Calum what happened, can’t confess to fucking the one person in the world that Calum likes more than anyone else, but he can’t live like this either. 

He’s been trying to make up for, to compensate for the perfidy he showed when he went behind Calum’s back, by being extra nice. He’s been letting Calum take the backseat in the car, he’s backed him up on every setlist decision, and he’s even been bringing him small gifts. It’s still impossible to look Calum in the eye, knowing what he did, though, and he doesn’t think it’ll ever get easier. 

Michael swung by the craft services table on his way to the greenroom this morning, and he slides a cupcake across the table that Calum’s sitting at. “Hey, got you one,” he says, sitting down, but keeping his focus on the hole in the table cloth. 

“Thanks!” Calums starts peeling the wrapper, but he pauses, and Michael can feel his curious gaze locked on the side of his face. “Are you okay?” 

“Totally!” Michael agrees, jumping at the volume of his own voice. “Totally okay. Why wouldn’t I be?” 

“You’re not looking at me,” Calum points out. “Do I have something weird on my face?”

Michael looks up and smiles at him. When their eyes lock, the amber color that meets him makes him feel like drowning. He can pretend to be normal all he wants, but he’s a shitty friend, a terrible person. “Nope! Not at all! You’re good. So good.” His breathing starts coming too quickly, and he knows he needs to get out. “I have to go to the bathroom.” He walks out, feeling like he might cry. Calum can never find out, he’d never forgive Michael. 

  
  
  


_July 24_

“I called _dibs_ , Calum.” 

Calum looks at Luke, hand holding his towel tight around his waist as he stands in the doorway to the bathroom with a smirk on his face. Luke kind of wants to smack it off his face. 

Lately, Luke’s been on edge. He’s been getting frustrated at every little thing, picking fights out of nothing, and he doesn’t know how to stop it. He feels like everyone he’s in the band with is selfish, only thinking of themselves, and it’s going to drive him insane if one more person puts themself first. Calum didn’t do anything _terrible_ , but Luke’s had one of his worst days ever, and this is how he’s getting his frustration out. 

They had a long day, played an outdoor show for _Jimmy Kimmel Live_ , and sweat buckets. All Luke wanted to do was take a shower, so he called dibs for the shower in the room that he and Calum were sharing. Even with his safety in place, Calum still pushed past him when they got in the room to throw himself in the shower. Luke’s been sat on the edge of the bed for the past fifteen minutes waiting for Calum to emerge.

“I was just too quick for you,” he laughs, dropping his towel to pull his sweatpants up. “You snooze you lose, Lukey.” 

“Fuck you,” he snaps. “I thought you respected dibs.” He knows he’s too mad for a stolen shower, but he’s already going through a lot, and this tipped him over the edge. 

“Okay, calm down.” Calum’s hands are raised peacefully in front of him, but he’s laughing. “It was just a shower.” 

It wasn’t _just_ a shower, Luke doesn’t say. It was the principle. It was having a set of rules, making promises, and just pushing past all of them because people are selfish. “Sorry, I just thought you respected dibs.” 

“I do!” 

“You fucking _don’t_ !” Though Calum’s responding to everything as if it’s a joke, Luke can feel all the anger that’s been building up in him ever since his talk with Ashton starting to make its way out. “You got to drive the golf cart first yesterday when I called dibs, _and_ you took the last cookie too, you fuckhead.” 

Not sensing Luke’s frustration, Calum starts laughing, booming sounds that fall easily out of him. It’s not _funny_ , though, and Luke sees red. He’s pissed off that nobody takes him seriously, that his feelings and his wants and needs all come second to how egocentric everyone else is, that they’re inconsiderate actions have made him and _only_ him suffer. Nobody has to face the consequences of their actions, and Luke’s stuck knowing that they’ll never get what’s coming to them. 

He’s _sick_ of it. Sick of feeling so full of everybody else’s _bullshit_ , and not being taken seriously with his anger. He’s mad at Michael for not loving him back and stomping all over his feelings, mad at Calum for not taking him seriously, mad at Ashton for taking something precious from him and not even caring about it. He’s been fucked over by everyone at this point, and it’s not fucking fair. 

“I guess you’re not the only one who doesn’t respect dibs, though,” he says, thinking over his words very carefully. 

Still laughing, Calum rolls his eyes. “Okay, who else doesn’t respect dibs?” 

“Well, you called dibs on Ashton when you first met him,” Luke says before he can stop himself, but even as he comes clean with this secret he shouldn’t know, he feels the regret coiling in his chest, “and Michael didn't respect that when he fucked him last month, did he?” 

Calum chuckles, but his face sobers up slightly, scrunching in confusion. “What are you talking about? No he didn’t.” 

“Oh, you haven’t heard?” Even knowing it’s a bad idea, there’s still enough anger in Luke’s body to keep him going. As guilty as he is, it still feels good to get everything off his chest. “Ashton told me a few days ago he and Michael had sex in their hotel room. So yeah. You’re not the only one who doesn’t respect dibs.” 

“You’re lying…” 

Luke bites his lip. He knows he’s fucked up, and he knows the tears forming in Calum’s eyes are all his fault, but he’s not turning back. “I’m not.” 

*****

As soon as the words are out of Luke’s mouth, Calum can feel the air in his lungs evaporate, leaving him breathless and aching. “They _didn’t_ ,” he insists, but it’s more to convince himself than to convince Luke. Michael wouldn’t do that to him, and Ashton… 

Ashton’s been so sweet to him lately. Calum really thought that they might… that maybe - 

“You can go ask them yourself,” Luke says, but he looks a lot less vindictive than when he first confessed the words. And Calum’s going to, he’s going to fucking ask them, and he’s going to prove Luke wrong. 

He makes his way out of the room and begins pounding on the door across the hall from them. 

*****

Ashton’s just finished getting ready to go to sleep, when there’s a knock at the door. 

Actually, it’s more like a pummel, like somebody set up a tennis ball shooter just outside of their room and set it on high. 

“Open the fucking door!” Calum’s voice blares through, and Michael looks at Ashton, worried, a fear in his eyes that confuses Ashton. What could Michael possibly have to be scared of? It’s just Calum. 

With hesitant steps, Michael goes to the door and opens it. Calum forces his way past the threshold, shoving Michael back. Hard. Luke makes his way inside, head down low looking nervous and guilty as Calum shoves Michael again, almost sending him to the floor. 

“ _Woah_!” Nobody pays attention to Ashton’s outburst, Calum just glaring at where Michael’s flicking his gaze between Calum and Luke. 

“What are you doing?” Michael asks, stepping back to keep a distance between himself and Calum. “Why are you here?” 

“Oh, I’m sorry!” Calum laughs, but it’s bitter and cold. It cut throughs the air like a hot knife through butter. “Did I interrupt you two? Were you about to _fuck_ again? My apologies! I’ll just leave you to it then! Sorry for getting in the _fucking_ way!” 

When the words hit, Ashton’s left speechless. Luke must have told Calum about him and Michael, despite Ashton telling him not to. It’s unfortunate, and it’ll definitely put a damper on Ashton’s plan to woo Calum, but he shouldn’t be _too_ upset. It was just a one-time thing, that’s it. 

“Calum…” 

Calum turns his dark eyes to Michael, and he looks _pissed_ . Ashton has never seen Calum look like this before. Happy go lucky, sweet, _calm_ little Calum who never lets anything get to him. He’s livid. He looks absolutely broken, and Ashton’s left so confused. “You, don’t say a word to me. We’re not friends.” 

Ashton feels like he’s watching a poorly written play. Michael and Calum have known each other longer than any of them, why wouldn’t they be friends anymore? And why does Michael look so terrified? 

“No, Calum,” Michael rushes forward, but Calum’s hands come up to his shoulders and push him away. “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I messed up, I know I did - ”

“Oh, you know you did? Wow, Michael. You’re incredible. You’re so smart.” The sarcasm dripping from his tongue doesn’t make sense. Ashton wouldn’t have expected Calum to take this so hard. It’s just sex… 

“You’re a fucking dick. You _messed up?_ You ruined _everything,_ Michael.” 

Behind Calum, Luke keeps his gaze on the ground. He’s biting around his lip ring, looking incredibly guilty. He shouldn’t, though. It was just a secret. Michael keeps pushing, trying to insist it wasn’t anything… which it wasn’t, Ashton wants to say, but he feels like he’s not a part of this. 

“I know,” Michael nods. “I know I did, Calum - ”

“ _Stop,”_ Calum screams, his voice shrill and filled with fury _. “_ Stop apologizing, I don’t _care._ This isn’t like when I kissed Luke, this is a different level, Mike, you _fucked Ashton,_ you fucking - ” Calum kicks a table angrily, and Michael jumps a little, but Ashton almost falls out of bed at the intensity. He doesn’t know where all of this anger is coming from, what’s egging him on, but he doesn’t want to find out. Calum’s usually tan face is a pale red, and Ashton’s beginning to worry. 

If it’s the integrity of the band he’s worried about, he shouldn’t be. It’s been a month since he and Michael slept together, but they’ve been just fine. They’ve moved past it, and Ashton knows the other two can as well. It might take a little bit of time, but there weren’t any feelings involved. It was something that happened without much thought, and Calum needs to know that. Especially if Ashton’s ever going to have a shot with him. 

As if he’s sensing the thoughts running through Ashton’s head, Michael keeps explaining, “Calum, it really meant nothing, I promise, it’ll never happen again, neither of us have feelings for each other, it just happened - ”

“Oh, that’s great, Michael,” Calum laughs, cutting him off. “That’s really fucking great. So this meant nothing to either of you? Yeah, that’s awesome. This meant nothing to you and you still did it when you knew…” He stops to wipe his eyes, tears slowly dragging down his cheeks. Michael’s only managed to get more scared, more worried, and Ashton feels like he’s watching a soap opera in another language. “When you knew it would mean _everything_ to me. You knew how much I loved him, Michael.” 

It takes a moment, Ashton not really following the plot of their drama, but when it all sinks in, when he finally hears the subtext behind the entire conversation, revealed with that one admission, it all starts to make sense. And when it does… 

Ashton gasps, shocked and confused and _thrilled_ that Calum loves him, that there’s a chance, that… The gasp gathers Calum’s attention, making him look over to the bed. He stares at him, and Ashton can fully see the hurt on his face, meaning - 

This isn’t good. This is the worst fucking thing. Calum loved him, and he went and fucked Michael. He ruined it. He ruined it before he even had a chance. 

He barely has time to register what he’s just heard when Calum runs out the door, and Michael follows him. 

“Calum, wait!” 

He’s left all alone when Luke softly says, “Sorry,” and goes back to his room.

In the past three minutes, Ashton feels like he’s lost his mind. His head is spinning. How long has Calum felt this way? How could Ashton not have known? He’s never going to give Ashton a chance now, is he? 

It feels like he just got everything he could ever want and lost it all within the span of one minute, and the worst part is, he thinks he probably deserved it. 

  
  
  


_August 7_

Every day that goes by, Calum seems to only get more distant from Michael. At first, he was fueled by anger, biting comments, an occasional shove to his shoulder. At least when they were at that point, there was a bit of hope that they’d be able to talk things out when everything cooled off, but it’s been two weeks, and they’ve more than cooled off. 

At this point, Calum’s as cold as he’s ever been, taken to being civil in interviews and onstage, but as soon as the cameras and fans are away, he’s treating Michael like a stranger, like they weren’t each other’s first friends, like they didn’t bond over an _All Time Low_ song, and stick together like glue since then. It’s like the past seven years have been erased, all because Michael couldn’t keep his dick in his pants. 

They haven’t talked since the big fight - Calum refusing to acknowledge any of Michael’s attempts at putting everything behind them, not saying a single word to him for two weeks straight, and it’s been absolutely miserable. Michael doesn’t expect him to forgive him anytime soon, but he misses him so much. 

He misses his best friend. 

On the other hand, Luke’s been weird too. He doesn’t ignore Michael, but their conversations are stilted, and Michael _knows_ that it has to do with him and Ashton. He wishes he would’ve thought to tell Ashton to keep it between them, but he didn’t assume this was the kind of thing they’d all spill between them. 

Then again, it’s not like there’s anybody to blame but himself. 

After putting the conversation off for too long, Michael thinks it’s time to talk to Luke about everything, to find out why this has seemed to have ended everything between them. He finds Luke outside of the venue, playing on his phone. There are fans on the other side of the fence screaming, but Michael ignores them, only wanting Luke. 

“Lukey?” He sits down on the bench next to Luke, but Luke only grunts in response. “Um, do you wanna play Mario Kart? I’m bored.” 

“Not right now, thanks,” Luke turns him down. His voice isn’t as cold as it could be, isn’t as cold as Michael’s was to Calum’s after the kiss of death, but it lacks the warmth that Michael’s grown accustomed to. 

“Luke…” he tries again. 

“What?” 

When Luke turns to look at him, the irritation in his tone is bypassed completely by the hurt in his eyes. Michael bites his bottom lip. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. About me and Ashton.” 

“That’s what you’re sorry for?” Luke laughs once, a condescending scoff of a sound. “Really?” 

“That’s…” Michael’s not sure what to say. Luke’s looking at him like he’s stupid. “Isn’t that why you’re mad?” 

“You’re an idiot.” Luke stands up, stretching as he shakes his head. Michael stays sitting, feeling lost on what he did wrong if it wasn’t keeping the secret. “It’s whatever. I can’t be mad. You didn’t do anything to me. We’re not anything.” 

The words strike a chord, hitting Michael’s ear wrong. He feels even more confused on the matter. Whatever Luke’s upset about, it has to do with the Ashton of the situation, but he’s acting like Michael hurt _him_ , like it was _Michael_ that turned _him_ down. “You didn’t want us to be anything, Luke.”

“Well, excuse me if I didn’t want to be a casual hookup for someone I…” He trails off, shaking his head, and Michael feels his jaw drop. “Just forget it, Mikey.” He gets up and starts to walk away, but Michael follows him. 

“That’s not what you were, Luke!” he yells, aware that there are fans a solid one-hundred feet away. They most likely can’t hear him over their own screaming, but he doesn’t care. He needs Luke to know he wasn’t just a hookup, that he wasn’t anything less than the love of Michael’s life. “That’s never what you were.”

“Okay, well,” he turns back around, blue eyes a storm that penetrate Michael too deeply. “It doesn’t matter now, Michael.” 

“Yes it does! Luke, I wanted you - ”

“I don’t want to hear it.” He huffs out a breath, foot stomping in front of him. He still has something to say, Michael can see if on his face, can see the thoughts forming and the sadness in the mouth turns down. “Did you just want me so you could say you had everyone?” 

When he asks, the crack in his voice parallels the shattering of Michael’s heart. “ _What?_ Luke, _no,_ I didn’t - ”

He’s cut off by Luke shaking his head. “Leave me alone, okay?” He walks into the venue, leaving Michael under the hot sun, with a crowd of fans calling his name, feeling as lonely as he’s ever felt in his life. 

He fucked up, and now he’s completely alone. He’s ruined things with _everyone_ at this point. His world is closing in around him, the yells of the fans getting louder until it’s all he can hear, the heat wrapping around his neck like a noose - he’s starting to freak out. He does the only thing he can think of - he runs to the bus, headed straight for Calum’s bunk. 

When he rips the curtain back, Calum’s eyes narrow upon seeing him, and Michael shrinks in on himself. He can only take in gasping breaths at this point, and if Calum turns him away, he doesn’t think he could come back down. 

“Calum, please, can I be with you for a minute, I need - ” 

He tries to take a deep breath and it doesn’t go so well, he can’t find the air, can’t finish his question without sobbing out. Calum sighs but scoots over for him, and Michael climbs in next to him, trying to even out his breathing, trying to calm down. 

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Calum, I’m so sorry.” Calum’s hand tentatively reaches out, and he starts rubbing Michael’s back soothingly. It only makes Michael cry even harder - he doesn’t deserve this. Calum’s too good for him. “He hates me, Calum, Luke hates me, and you hate me, I’m a terrible person, you’re right, I ruined everything, I’m so sorry.” Calum doesn’t say anything, but he doesn’t stop him either, and Michael keeps going. He needs Calum to know how much he cares about him. “You’re my best friend, and I fucked up so bad, you’re like, the best person I know, you always have been, you didn’t deserve that.” 

They sit together in the bunk, Michael curling into Calum’s chest as his best friend consoles him through his bawling. It takes time for him to come down, for him to find his footing and start to see more clearly. They eventually work through it together until they’re both just sitting there, tears still falling down Michael’s face. 

“I’m not okay yet,” Calum says, a surprise in the somber silence. Michael nods immediately. He didn’t come here expecting to be forgiven - he knows what he did was inexcusable, that there’s no way to justify himself, and that it’ll take more than a few tears to gain his friendship with Calum back. “I still need...time. I guess.” He nods again. Calum could take forty years, and he’d understand. “But I realized, I think I need to start trying to move on.” 

“What do you mean?” Michael croaks, throat a dry disaster after his breakdown. 

“This just made me realize. I’ve loved Ashton for so long, and he’s never… and then this. I can’t spend my whole life waiting for him. He doesn’t want me the same way. And like,” Calum stops to take a deep breath. “That sucks. But I deserve to be happy. I want to be with someone who loves me just as much as I love them. And that’s not him.” Michael stays quiet. He thinks there may be feeling on Ashton’s end that are going unsaid, but he can’t stick his head in everybody’s business. “So I’m gonna try to move on. Maybe find someone else. Someone outside this fucking band.” 

He chuckles a little, and it makes Michael huff out a tiny laugh. Maybe they’re going to be okay. Not now, but maybe soon. 

  
  
  


_August 8_

The CD signing is going well, the fans seem to be happy and everyone’s moving through quickly enough that they’ll finish it a timely manner. Ashton can’t stop glancing over at Calum, though. His mind keeps wandering back to the conversation Calum had with Michael yesterday. He hadn’t meant to eavesdrop, but he’d been in the bunk above Calum’s at the time and he’d been stuck above them, listening.

If Ashton could go back to before he slept with Michael, he’d do it in an instant. He misses the way that he and Calum used to be. If he’s ever forgiven, he’ll never let a day pass and take it for granted. He wants to savor every word Calum says, to look into his eyes and know that everything is perfect when they’re together. When they look back on these years, Ashton wants to be the first person Calum thinks of, the one he remembers.

He knows he has a long way to go, to prove himself to Calum, to make him understand how much he wants him, how much he thinks about him. He watches as Calum signs a fan’s CD. 

It’s a guy who’s got to be around the same age as he is, and he and Calum are giggling at something or other. Ashton watches them for a moment with a twinge of jealousy, wondering how long it’ll take before Calum looks at him like that again, if he ever does.

  
  
  
  


_August 29_

“Calum, wake up.” 

In his sleepy mind, Calum considers if it would be counterproductive to his work in the band to have their lead singer killed. He likes Luke, don’t get him wrong, but in the past year alone, Calum’s been woken up in the middle of the night for absolute bullshit about ten times too many. 

He groans, rolling his body so he’s facing away from Luke and tries to fall back asleep. It doesn’t work, _clearly_ , and Luke shakes his shoulder - which feels far better than a slap to the shoulder or face. “Calum, dude, you’re all over Twitter. Get _up_.” 

Nothing ever makes sense when his mind is this muddled, but Calum can’t help to frown at the words he thinks he’s heard. Why would Calum be all over Twitter? He hasn’t done anything noteworthy since he got too tipsy and serenaded an entire bachelor party with _Heaven_ by Bryan Adams. To be honest, that was his crowning jewel achievement in life, but that was months ago. Why would somebody post that on Twitter? 

He sits up, head spinning, and reaches for his phone where it’s charging on the nightstand. He goes into the Twitter app and starts scrolling, confused when he doesn’t come across a video of himself singing to a bunch of frat guys. Instead all he sees is a screengrab of a naked picture, all of them with him tagged. 

It takes far too long for his train of thought to go from ’ _Where’s the video of me?_ ’ to ‘ _Who’s dick is this?_ ’ to ‘ _Why is my dick online?_ ’ 

Luke watches him anxiously, fingers biting at his nails as Calum feels the bottom of his stomach drop out. He recognizes the face staring back at him as his own and his heart squeezes in his chest. He recognizes the background in the picture, remembers exactly where he was and exactly who he sent it to. It’s a nude he sent to a guy he’d been talking to on Snapchat. It was a part of his Get Over Ashton plan, and while it had worked for a second, boosted his self esteem a little, clearly the guy hadn’t been very trustworthy. 

“Fuck.” He drops his phone in his lap and buries his head in his hands. “Fucking _fuck_.” 

“I’m so sorry, Cal,” Luke says, wrapping his arm around Calum’s shoulders and letting Luke rest his head on his. “This sucks.”

“It’s okay.” He takes a deep, shuddery breath in. “I mean, it’s not, but…” He doesn’t know how to finish the sentence, how to justify just how low he feels right now. 

“Who was it?” Luke asks. “That you sent it to?” 

Calum shrugs. “Just some guy. I was kind of trying to like, get over Ashton.” 

“Get over him?” 

“Yeah.” It sounds stupid saying it out loud, that he’d sent a nake picture to a guy on Snapchat to get over someone he’s been in love with for three years. “I figure it’s about time. If it hasn’t happened by now, it’s not going to. And then _Michael_ happened.” He shakes his head. “Clearly this wasn’t the right way to go about it.” 

“Clearly…” 

They sit in silence together on their shared hotel bed, leaning against each other for support. “Lukey?” Calum eventually asks, and Luke hums. “You you think I’m stupid for still loving him?” 

“Why would I think that?” Luke wonders. 

“I don’t know. I just feel like I’m always chasing something so out of reach. I’m worried that I won’t ever get over him. Like no matter what, he’ll always be something I wanted but couldn’t have. I’m worried every song I write is gonna be about him for the rest of my life.”

“You’re not stupid.” Luke says. He pulls his arm back and turns himself so he’s looking directly at Calum. “You can’t help how you feel, Cal.” 

Calum sighs. “Yeah, I know. I just wish it wasn’t so hard. Love sucks.” 

There’s something broken and familiar in the way Luke agrees, “Yeah. It really does.” 

  
  
  


_September 1_

The band is doing great. 

Or, at least, better than they have been. They’re all still clearly dealing with the events of June, but it’s been getting easier, and they’re all slowly moving on. Things are still a little weird, and they will be for a while, but Michael and Calum are talking more than they did before, and Luke and Michael seem like they’re slowly getting back to normal. 

It’s all that Ashton can ask for, is a band that gets along. 

Though, if he was a more selfish person than he is, he’d also ask for he and Calum to go back to the way things were _before_. Calum has been significantly less touchy with Ashton, and it’s killing him. He never realized how much he loved Calum’s touch until he didn’t have it constantly, until they weren’t feeding into the clinginess together every moment of every day. 

They’re on the bus together, all four of them able to be in the same room together for the first time in weeks, when one of their crew members drops off a new case for Calum’s bass. He starts digging into it as the rest of the band stays on their phone. 

At least, they’re on their phones until they hear a gasp, followed by a ripping sound, and look over to see Calum holding two pieces of styrofoam up with a grin on his face and mischief in his eyes. They all look at the styrofoam for a minute, and Ashton can tell they’re all thinking the same thing. 

“Duel in the parking lot?” he suggests, and Luke grins, racing off the bus with a giggling Michael and Calum hot on his trail. When Ashton makes it out with them, Luke’s already on Michael’s back, waving his make-shift sword in the air. Ashton runs up to them and turns around, standing with his back to Calum. “Alright, hop on, pup.” 

Calum goes easily and as soon as his thighs are wrapped around Ashton, he feels a wave of something come over him. He grips Calum slightly posessively, the lack of touch lately has made him a little desperate at this point, and he holds on tight. 

They fall into the duel easily, and Ashton thinks for the first time in a few months, things are going to be okay. 

  
  
  


_September 4_

“Ouch!” Michael groans when Luke’s fingers tug a little too hard at his hair. 

“Sorry,” Luke fusses over the knot, trying to disperse the red hair dye from the roots to the tips without hurting Michael again. Dying hair is hard work, but when Michael had come to him and shyly asked Luke to help him dye his hair red, Luke couldn’t say no. He was hesitant, but he knew that if he wanted them to be normal again, he had to agree. And he _does_ want that, so badly. But he can’t have that if he can’t be alone with Michael. 

He keeps running the dye through Michael’s hair, massaging it in to make sure he doesn’t leave any patchy bits. “You’re gonna look like a peppermint,” he says after a moment of silence. It’s what he had thought when Michael had first mentioned wanting to go red, and the thought still rings true. Michael’s so pale, and the color is going to be so bright. 

Michael snorts. “Great. That’s the goal.” 

Luke smiles at him in the mirror in front of them, “It’s a good thing.”

Michael gives him a small smile back. “If you say so. I’ll keep it through Christmas, then. Stay on theme.”

Luke finishes up the last bit of his hair and steps back, “All done.” Michael inspects his hair in the mirror happily, looking at himself from different angles. Luke watches him fondly, not sure what insight he’s supposed to be gaining. The dye is much darker than his hair is going to look, sticking in all directions and sopping wet. He’s happy to be done, if he’s being honest. Touching Michael that much, running his hands through his hair, it’s been challenging to say the least. He’s not over Michael, not at all. But he can be his friend. He _can_.

He watches Michael set the timer on his phone and look up at Luke, “Now we wait.”

“Now we wait,” Luke agrees, and Michael goes to look at himself in the mirror again. Luke takes off his gloves and throws them in the trash by the sink, flexing his fingers to try to get rid of the phantom feeling of Michael’s hair in his hands. 

  
  
  


_October 1_

Ashton’s alone in his bunk after a long day. Calum walked in with a blond streak in his hair and Ashton’s been struggling to cope for hours, knows he’s not back at the stage yet where it’s appropriate to run his fingers through Calum’s hair, but he really, really wishes he was. He’s been fighting off the urge to touch Calum all day and now that he’s finally alone, the thoughts he’s been trying to hold off all day are rushing into his head without a filter.

Thoughts of tugging on Calum’s newly bleached hair while he moans into Ashton’s mouth, trailing his hands down from his hair to his stomach, feeling how smooth and soft Calum’s skin is, Ashton knows it is, he’s felt it before when they’ve been cuddled close, they used to be comfortable enough with each other that he could stroke the skin under the hem of his shirt so casually. He would do anything to kiss him there, taste the warmth of Calum’s skin. He looks like he’d taste like honey, sweet and golden and so, so soft.

Pushing down his basketball shorts, Ashton takes his dick in his hand, finally touching it after it’s been ignored all day, and he bites his knuckle as he starts stroking it, almost feeling overwhelmed at the feeling. Calum drifts back into his mind as he touches himself, just as he always seems to these days. Calum, on top of him, grinding down on him perfectly, moaning for him, just for Ashton, working his hips against him. Ashton sighs, brushing his thumb over the head of his cock, imagining Calum’s hand doing the same thing to him. His hands are a little softer than Ashton’s, a little smaller, and Ashton whimpers softly when he pictures them on his cock. 

His hand speeds up as he pictures Calum’s soft lips trailing down his chest and stomach, taking the head of his cock in his mouth, sucking softly, his perfect little ass in the air. He wonders if Calum would love it as much as he does in Ashton’s head, if he would moan at the taste and grind down to get relief on his own cock. Ashton’s mind flashes to the picture that leaked of Calum, and he didn’t mean to look at it, he really didn’t, but it was everywhere and he couldn’t help it. And Calum had looked _so fucking good,_ so perfect. Ashton had touched himself that night, too, imagining holding Calum’s hips down on the bed and taking him in his mouth, working Calum over until he came, moaning helplessly above Ashton.

His hand is speeding over his cock now, and his mind flashes to a vision of Calum underneath him, crying out as Ashton pounds into him, filling him over and over. He wants to fuck Calum until he cries, until he can’t feel anything but Ashton’s cock inside of him, he wants to take Calum over completely. He wants to fuck Calum so hard he feels him for days, he wants to barely let Calum have time to recover before he has him on his cock again.

Ashton grunts and pumps his dick fast, feeling himself teeter on the edge of his climax, trying desperately to stay quiet so he doesn’t attract the attention of the other boys. He thinks, helplessly, of Calum moaning his name as he cums, spilling all over his soft skin, grinding back on Ashton’s cock buried deep in his ass, so hot and tight and perfect. Ashton cums hard, his hips lifting off the bed with the force of it, his eyes shut tight as images of Calum flash in his mind, his left hand tight over his mouth. 

  
  
  


_October 13_

There’s nothing like the energy of performing in Australia, Calum thinks. They’ve just wrapped up playing on stage at _The X Factor Australia_ , and Calum feels on top of the world. Michael and Ashton are talking with some of the contestants, and Calum’s off to the side tuning his bass when one of the sound guys from the show approaches him. 

When he first came in, Calum noticed him. How couldn’t he? The guy was tall, blond, and looked to be a little older than Calum himself. He appreciated his face, but didn’t think anything else of him, but now that he’s approaching, Calum gets a second look. 

“Need any help with that?” he asks, gesturing down to the bass in his arms. 

“I think I’ve got it,” Calum declines his help, shaking his head. “Or at least I hope I do. Probably shouldn’t have this job if I don’t.” 

The sound technician laughs, raising his arms over his head to rest against the low-running pipe above him. His arms flex with it, and Calum only drools a little. “I was kidding, man. You’re clearly capable.” Calum can’t help but grin. “I was watching you onstage, you really know what you’re doing.” 

“Thanks. We’ve worked hard to at least look like we know what we’re doing.” 

“I wouldn’t know,” the sound tech smirks. “I wasn’t watching anyone else up there.” Calum can feel himself start to blush, and he shakes his head. 

“My name’s Dylan.” 

“Calum.” 

“You don’t say,” Dylan teases sarcastically, eyes wide as he pretends to look surprised. “Calum from 5 Seconds of Summer?” 

Calum buries his head in his hands, embarrassed that he didn’t think about the fact that he’d already know Calum’s name if he watched their set, saw their introduction. “Sorry.” 

“It’s fine, It’s cute.” Dylan laughs, reaching over to coax Calum out from behind his hands. “You’re cute.” 

It’s a lot of attention at once, and Calum shakes his head with a grin. “ _Stop_.” 

“I’ll stop,” he says with a smirk. “Doesn’t make you less cute.” Calum’s cheeks are on fire, the blush burning all the way down his neck. Nobody - no _man_ \- has ever been this forward with him in person. Dylan opens his mouth to say something else, but there’s a shout in the distance. 

“Dylan! We need help lifting, get your ass over here!”

Dylan looks over and rolls his eyes. He drops his arms, and is about to leave before he grabs a pen and flyer from the table next to them, scribbling something down. “That’s my number. If you want to hang out or something while you’re in town, shoot me a text, yeah?” He parts with a wink, and Calum can only nod dumbly, watching him leave before he grins, skipping over to where Michael and Ashton are talking. 

There’s a bitter frown on Ashton’s face when he meets Calum’s eyes, and an edge to his voice as he inquires, “Who was that? What did he want?” 

Calum shrugs, hoping it comes off casual, but he knows there’s a stupid smile stretched across his red face. “Sound guy named Dylan. I think he asked me out.” He shakes his head. “I mean, yeah, he asked me out.” 

“And, what?” Ashton scoffs, arms crossing tensely across his chest. “You’re gonna go?” 

He looks upset, and Calum’s more than a little confused. He supposes maybe Ashton and Michael were talking about something bad before he came over, but Michael’s smiling excitedly at him, reaching a hand out for Calum to high-five. 

“Hey! That’s awesome, he was hot!”

“I _know!”_ Calum giggles, looking over his shoulder to where Dylan’s holding an amp up in one arm and holding a guitar case in the other. He’s fucking _hot._

“He was fine.” Ashton sighs. “I guess. Dumb hair.” 

For the first time in a long time, Calum decides to ignore Ashton. He’s moving on, and yeah, maybe Dylan’s hair is a little dumb, but who is Ashton to judge. Not everyone’s hair can be perfect. 

He’s gonna go on a date, and he’s gonna have fun, because he deserves it.

  
  
  


_November 26_

_This is going to ruin everything_ , Luke thinks as he stares at his phone screen. 

It’s been a tough road, building back the dynamics of their band, but they’ve made it so far. Emotionally, everybody is back to a safe place. Sure, Luke still stares at Michael’s lips when he talks, and he longs to reach out for him every moment of the day, but it’s less painful than it was before. 

Just as they’re finally settling into things, Abigail Breslin had to come along and release a song about how much Michael sucks. The song doesn’t mention his name, but it’s obvious that it’s about him, right down to the tattoo. He only went out to dinner with her _once_ , why would she do this?

The video ends, and Luke looks up to see Calum’s face flushed and Ashton wincing. “Uh oh…” 

“I know,” Luke groans, throwing his head onto Calum’s shoulder. “He’s gonna be so upset! What do we do?” 

“Don’t show him until after the show,” Calum advises. He shrugs, but he looks as hesitant as Luke feels. “He can’t see it. It’ll ruin his night.” 

Ashton shakes his head, taking a step back. “We can’t keep it from him, he deserves to know.” 

And as terrible as it sounds, he’s not wrong. Keeping this from him will only make it seem worse. If they show him now, they can convince him it isn’t as bad as it sounds. “Ashton’s right. We have to show him.” 

“Boys!” As though he’d known they were talking about him, Michael bounces through the door at that moment. “It’s gonna be a good night!” Luke feels his dinner start to make its way back up. He feels nauseous having to be the one to do it, to ruin Michael’s great mood, but it has to be done, and with the way Ashton and Calum turn around and avoid eye contact, it has to be Luke. 

“Mikey, there’s something we have to show you.” 

“Okay, but me first,” Michael laughs. He beckons Luke over, and he drags his feet approaching where Michael’s pulling his phone out. “Guess who got a song written about them?” He’s giggling, and Luke’s confused. Did he have another song written about him? They can’t be talking about the same one… But Michael pulls up the video on his phone and starts laughing uproariously as soon as Abigail’s face comes into view. “What a fucking masterpiece, am I right?” 

Not knowing what to say, Luke just watches the video for the third time with wide eyes. From across the room, Calum asks, “You’re not like, mad about it?” 

“Are you kidding? This is my new favorite song.” 

He mouths along when she sings ‘ _I hate the scar above your eye, it looks like you’re on drugs_.’ Luke watches him confused. He’s a bizarre boy. No one else would enjoy this, but Michael’s having the time of his life as he joins Luke in watching the rest of it. 

By the end of it, Luke can find the humor there and is giggling along. The screen is black and the room is silent when Michael yells, “I hung out with her _once!”_ And they’re all laughing again.

  
  
  


_December 8_

Michael really hopes whatever Ashton wants to talk to him about doesn’t involve him at all. They’ve had a long fucked up year and enough drama for one lifetime. If this is anything that’s going to drag them all back down to the tailspin they’ve managed to worm their way out of, Michael might just have to kick him out of the band. 

They sit down together in the hotel room Michael’s sharing with Luke tonight, but they’re alone, and Ashton looks nervous. “Okay, don’t say anything ‘til I’m done talking.” 

Michael nods “‘Kay.”

“Okay.”

He waits for the conversation to start, but Ashton doesn’t say anything for a minute. “Uh. Is that it?” 

“No, shut up,” he shakes his head, staring down at the white duvet on the bed. “Give me a second.” Michael sits quietly, lips tightly closed as he waits. Eventually, Ashton takes a deep breath, looking at his knees. “I’m in love with Calum.” He says it like it’s news and Michael laughs. 

“Oh, yeah, I kn - ”

Ashton holds up a finger, and Michael shuts up, but he’s still smirking.

“And I have to tell him. But I need to know if I have a shot. Because I feel like I ruined it for myself with you.” Ashton pauses and looks at Michael with a wince. “No offense.” Michael shrugs. He gets it. “Do you think I should do something? Is it worth it? Do you think I - ” he runs a hand over his face. “Do you think he’d want me back?” 

Michael takes a second, not sure if Ashton’s actually done, and when Ashton gestures at him like he’s waiting for him to actually talk, Michael takes another second to think. He’s done meddling, but he needs to be real with Ashton. 

“Honestly?” He asks, and Ashton nods. “I think you have a shot, yeah.” Ashton bites his lip, his eyes hopeful. “ _But!”_ Ashton immediately looks a little worried, and Michael holds back a slight laugh at the back and forth of his expressions. “We both really hurt him, Ashton.” 

“I didn’t mean to, though,” Ashton rushes to say. “I had no idea.” 

“I know,” Michael nods, “But either way, he was fucking _broken_.” 

It’s been five months, and Michael stills sees the hesitation Calum has to trust him. It hurts, tears him apart, but Michael knows it’s deserved. It’s going to take a lot of time for them to build their friendship back up. 

It seems Ashton sees the same thing, because his eyes take on a sadder quality. “I know.” 

“I think, whatever you do, it has to be special. It’s what he deserves, after everything that’s happened. He deserves to know how much you care. Show him that, alright?” 

Ashton nods, and Michael doesn’t have any doubts in his head that those two can work together. He doesn’t have hope that he and Luke will ever be anything, but at least Calum still has a shot at happiness. At least Michael didn’t ruin everything for _him_. 

  
  
  


_December 31_

It’s New Year’s Eve, and Calum’s ready to leave this shitty year behind him. They dropped their album, opened their own label, and announced their _Rock Out With Your Socks Out Tour_. It should’ve been the highest point of their lives, but it was all ruined when his heart broke, and he’s still trying to pick up the pieces. 

Next year, things are going to be different. He’ll be more career focused, ready to write amazing music that the world’s going to love. He’s going to get tattoos, maybe a piercing, he’ll meet fans and party with his biggest heroes. And his biggest resolution of all, he’s going to get over Ashton Irwin. He’s going to forget how it feels to be in love with his best friend, and focus on himself. 

Tonight, they’re at a friend’s house for a small party to celebrate, and Ashton’s been more snuggly than usual - Calum thinks it’s probably because he’s letting it happen. He’s been more distanced with Ashton, not liking the close proximity when there’s no hope of it ever becoming something more, but he wants to let himself have this, one last night of giving into his feelings and letting Ashton dote on him, feed him candy and stroke his arm and kiss his cheek.

Right now they’re cuddled up on the couch together, where they’ve been for the past fifteen minutes, when Ashton leans in, his lips grazing the shell of Calum’s ear as he whispers, “Come with me? I wanna be alone for a little bit.” 

As Ashton pulls him up, Calum can’t help but blush, a flutter in his tummy at the thought of Ashton wanting to be alone with him, even if it’s not in the same way that he still wants. Ashton guides them to an empty bedroom and closes the door, flopping on the bed. Calum dives over to lie next to him. There's space between them, but Ashton doesn’t let it sit for long, reaching for Calum’s waist and pulling him in until they’re almost nose to nose. 

“What are you thinking about?” Ashton asks, and Calum needs to think of something other than how much he wants to go back to when he was blissfully unaware of the lack of feelings on Ashton’s end, so he could feel less guilty about melting into Ashton’s grip. 

“Where all the New Years hats go the day after,” Calum rambles. “How many New Years hats do you think are just lying in dumps somewhere? They could probably have their own private dump somewhere.” 

“That might be hard to regulate,” Ashton says. His face is completely straight, and he’s shaking his said consideringly. “What if it got infiltrated by normal trash?” 

“The guards would never let that happen,” Calum insists. “They’re diligent.” Part of him is giddy that Ashton’s playing along, that they can be so silly, but for some reason the jokes aren’t as fun as they usually are. There’s an underlying current between them, something supercharged and electrifying sizzling through their hushed voices and grazing skin. 

“Thank god.” They’re quiet for a minute, just looking at each other, before Ashton speaks again, “I love the way your mind works, do you know that?” 

Calum can feel himself blushing, and he feels silly for it. He’s quiet when he responds. “Thanks.” 

Ashton reaches up and brushes his hair away from his face. Calum can hear people starting to chant down from thirty outside the door and he startles. He told Luke he’d take a video of him at midnight for his Snapchat, so he should go. He moves to get up but Ashton grabs his wrist. 

“Wait,” he pleads. “Stay with me?” 

“I told Luke - ”

“Please?” There’s something so desperate in Ashton’s eyes that urges Calum to hear him out. “I want to, um. There’s something I want to do.” Calum settles back down on the bed where Ashton’s guiding him, and Ashton smiles gratefully at him. “Is that okay?” Calum’s confused, he doesn’t know what’s about to happen, but Ashton leans a little closer, his breath hitting Calum’s cheek softly. 

Outside the door he hears everyone chant down from five, and for some reason, it makes his heart beat faster. “What, um,” He inhales sharply when Ashton’s nose brushes against his, and his voice is a whisper when he keeps talking, “what did you want to - ”

He doesn’t get to finish his question, the chanting outside down to one before the cheering starts and Ashton’s mouth is against his. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (it was the one mic one take scene! We were watching it in january last year, and couldn't help the undeniable truth that michael was just fucked by ashton the night before. it's v clear to see)


	7. 2015

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Before this chapter, I just want to share this message I woke up to:

**2015**

_January 1_

Unlike he always fantasized, Calum’s first kiss with Ashton is awkward and one-sided as they lie facing each other on a strange bed, upstairs at a party neither of them got drunk at. He’s completely still, frozen in shock as Ashton’s lips pull away from where they were pressed against his, the time they were in contact not nearly enough for Calum to register what was happening or _why_ it was happening. 

“Was that okay?” Ashton asks, and Calum, truthfully, doesn’t have an answer. Ashton’s looking at him with such a hopeful expression, and Calum can’t say or think anything, he feels like his mind got wiped blank as soon as Ashton’s lips touched his, feels like he might be dreaming, or maybe hallucinating… Ashton just smiles, and it doesn’t help Calum sort his thoughts out at all. 

“Okay,” Ashton says, and leaning back in, he kisses Calum again. Only this time, it’s not a peck, it’s not simple, He slides their lips against each other, and it’s been so long since Calum last had this, let alone with somebody he’s hopelessly in love with, and he accidentally whimpers, the sound coming out weak and broken. He can’t help it - he feels like he’s about to die in the best way, responding to all of Ashton’s touches like a man starved. 

When Ashton sighs against his mouth, tongue licking against his own, Calum thinks his brain turns to oatmeal. The sounds of the people outside the door completely melt away as he melts into Ashton, this is all he’s wanted for so so long and it’s finally happening, it’s finally coming together. After four years, they’re finally - 

But why now?

It takes every bit of strength in Calum to pull away from Ashton’s soft lips and open his eyes. They’re still laying on the bed, facing each other, but Ashton’s looking at him with stars in his eyes, completely oblivious to Calum’s turmoil, all with such a happy, soft expression, and Calum just wants to kiss him again and never stop but he can’t, not when he doesn’t understand anything at all. 

He tells Ashton as much. “I don’t understand.” 

“I… what?” Ashton’s still smiling, but it looks less sincere now, more worried. “What don’t you understand?” He also seems confused, but there’s no way he can possibly be more confused than Calum.

“You kissed me.” It’s not a question or an accusation, but Calum needs to lay all of the facts out in front of him, needs to wrap his brain around it all. 

Ashton just giggles, nodding his head. “Yeah, I did.” 

If there was anything Calum could ever be envious about, it’s Ashton’s ability to see things at point value. Calum used to, he used to be able to take things as they are and not get caught up on the smaller details, but he lost a bit of trust in people, lost that faith he held for everybody, and now he finds himself suspicious of everything, always looks for an ulterior motive - even with people who don’t have a malicious bone in their body. 

“You - ” Calum’s never had as hard a time talking as he is right now. Words have never failed him before like they are now. “Why?” 

“Because I love you,” Ashton says, a certainty in his eyes that Calum’s never quite seen with him before. It’s like he doesn’t even need to think about it, and Calum’s eyes go wide. This was _not_ the same place they were at when he slept with Michael. “I kissed you because I love you.” Ashton must see his thoughts go a little haywire, the little ‘ _what the fucks_ ’ and ‘ _how the fucks_ ’ and ‘ _why the fucks_ ’ because he starts talking again right away, not letting Calum question him. “Sorry, that was full on. I just. It was a crazy year and I want to be honest with you. I don’t want there to be any confusion about the feelings I have for you.”

Only, it doesn’t quite work because there’s a _lot_ of confusion about the feelings Ashton has for him. There’s nothing _but_ confusion. Calum stays silent, eyes wide, lips parted in shock as Ashton starts to get nervous. 

“I mean, you don’t have to say it back,” he rushes when the quiet goes on for too long. “Obviously. I don’t know. I thought you might feel, like, and Michael said maybe, but maybe you’re over it, but god, I hope you’re not, I really hope you’re not, Calum, I want us to - ”

With a finger to Ashtons lips, Calum stops him. All that’s rushing through his head is the fact that Michael talked to him - Michael, the only person that knows that Calum’s maintained his feelings for Ashton, unable to completely drop them, no matter how hard he tried. And if Ashton knows, is that the only reason he’s going after Calum? Just for reciprocation? 

“Are you sure?” He checks. Ashton’s brow furrows, and he looks at Calum questioningly. Calum sighs. “Since when?” 

Not sensing Calum’s complete doubt, not wiping that dumb, beautiful grin from his face, Ashton brings a hand up to play with Calum’s hair, palm sliding through the soft fringe. “I don’t think I can give you a specific start date, pup.” 

And _fuck_ if that nickname doesn’t make him blush. He’s always loved it, but it feels like _more_ now, more charged, more special, more _meaningful_. He shakes his head regardless, not falling into the trap of Ashton’s quick tongue - he needs to be smart about this. He sits up to clear his own head enough to ask, “Would you still be doing this if you hadn’t talked to Michael first? If you didn’t know I wanted it?” 

“What do you mean?”

“What if…” There’s a lump in Calum’s throat, choking him with the fear of getting the answer he thinks he will. “What if you only want me because I want you?” 

Ashton shakes his head right away, sitting up so he’s facing Calum, legs stretched on either side of Calum’s torso where Calum sits cross-legged between them. “No, Cal.”

When Ashton’s hands reach out for Calum’s, he pulls away. Were this to happen in May of last year, before everything went down, before 2014 got around to fucking everyone over, Calum likes to think he’d be able to jump in head first and trust in Ashton’s word, but now, after everyone’s shown a side of themselves Calum didn’t know they could have, he’s hesitant. 

For the past few years, all Ashton’s talked about is how he wants to be in love, how he feels ingenuine when singing about romance because he doesn’t love anybody, and he doesn’t know how it feels. To go from that, to professing his devotion and admiration to Calum in less than a few months doesn’t feel right to Calum. Does Ashton really love Calum? Did he really fall in love with him, or does he just want to be able to sing their songs without feeling like a fake? There’s so much pointing to the answer Calum doesn’t want, and he can’t turn a blind eye to it. 

“I just don’t know…” 

He loves Ashton so much, and if they start this and Ashton realizes he doesn’t feel the same way, it’s not going to pass as smoothly as it did the first time around. Calum won’t be able to try and move on if he’s utterly, completely broken. 

Ashton’s still looking at him, and Calum watches as the resolve flickers over his face “Then I’ll show you.” 

“Huh?” 

“Yep.” He’s nodding now, like he’s convinced of something. “I’m going to woo you, Calum Hood.” 

The breath in Calum’s lungs stutters out like he’s choking. “ _Woo me?”_

 _“_ Get ready to get the ass romanced out of you,” Ashton continues, eyes crinkling with how stupid he sounds. “You’re not gonna know what’s hit you.” 

Calum can’t help but laugh, even as he feels his skin heat up at the insinuation of Ashton trying to prove his love. He covers his shock easily, he thinks. “Yeah, okay.” 

“I mean it.” When Calum doesn’t say anything else, Ashton grins even wider, slapping his hands on Calum’s thighs. “Come on, let’s get something to eat.” He does an odd, sideways roll off the bed, his legs straight in the air at one point, and Calum climbs off the bed, taking Ashton’s hand when it’s offered to him. “and Calum?” he stops. Calum looks at him, eyebrows raised. “I love you.” 

“Calum feels himself blush, and bites his lip against the natural urge to say it back. He just shakes his head. “We’ll see.” 

  
  
  


_January 4_

It’s just after lunch when Luke’s phone vibrates in his pocket for the third time in a row. He pulls it out, already expecting it when he sees Michael’s sent two photos to the group chat. The first one is of a tree, and he captioned it with Luke’s name. The second one is of a couch with Michael’s head peeping into view. It was taken like a selfie. The final message is a plea from Michael, alone at his parents house while they’re at work. 

**_2:42 - Mikey:_ ** _found a man cave couch. if anyone wants to test-sit im free literally any time_

Luke can’t help but laugh at that, smiling at the wideness to Michael’s eyes in the picture he sent. He does stupid faces thinking they’re funny, and they are, but nobody ever likes them as much as Luke does. 

“Who’s taking all your attention away from me, hm?” Liz asks from where she’s at the sink. She’s finished washing the dishes, and Luke was supposed to be drying them, but he got a bit lost in his phone. She managed to put the tea kettle on the stove and start some of his work for him by the time Luke’s responded to Michael with a sunglasses emoji.

“Oh, no one.” It sounds like an excuse, and it’s clear his mom takes it like one, grinning at his red-stained skin. He always gets embarrassed when she assumes there’s ‘someone special’ in his life. The only person special to him is Michael, but it’ll never be like that - he’ll never feel the same. 

“No one, hm?” She teases, and Luke nods, keeping his head down, feeling incredibly uncomfortable. “I don’t understand. You’re such a sweet boy, and so handsome.”

When she winks, Luke rolls his eyes. “You have to say that, you’re my mom.” He’s obviously not as handsome as she thinks if the only person in the world he’s ever wanted only thought of him as a potential notch on a bedpost. 

“I have my own free will, Luke,” Liz says, leveling him with a look. Luke just shrugs, feeling too unlucky in love to believe her. “I’ve been on tour with you. You’ve got girls flocking around you all the time. Nobody’s caught your eye yet? Or do you just not want your mom to know?”

Though she’s joking, Luke’s worried she’s a little hurt about him possibly just keeping her out of the loop. Ever since he could talk, he’s gone to his mom for everything, telling her about his problems, about his dreams, about _everything_. Before Michael and Calum adopted him into their group, she was really his only friend. He doesn’t want to admit everything that’s been tearing him up, but keeping secrets from her isn’t going to make anything easier. 

“There was, um,” Luke starts, hoping his mom can’t hear through his mumbling, but knowing that she definitely can. “There was someone. But it didn’t work out with… them. They didn’t feel… they didn’t like me back the same way.”

Her eyebrows raise a little at _‘them,’_ and Luke feels his heart skip a beat. He’s not ready to tell her he likes boys, even though he thinks she might be able to tell, and he _definitely_ doesn’t want her to know that ‘boys’ mostly means Michael. She doesn’t push though, just lowers her eyebrows and nods. “Well, I’m sorry things didn’t work out with… them.” Luke shrugs, feeling a little better, but not wanting to think about what happened with Michael. “You’re young, pumpkin. Don’t close yourself off to other people, okay? I want to see you happy.” 

“Me too,” Luke agrees. 

Liz smiles at him, and the tea kettle goes off on the stove. “Hold that thought.” She walks off to get tea, and Luke sighs, shoulders hunching in on himself. He’s not trying to close himself off, but he doesn’t know how not to when he and Michael see each other all the time. It’s kind of impossible to move on from someone you see every day. 

  
  
  


_January 24_

After adjusting his shirt for the third time and taking a deep breath, Ashton finally knocks on Calum’s front door. He feels nervous for tonight, despite the fact that it’s no different from the past three weeks of them spending time together. 

It’s been almost a month of romancing Calum, trying to prove himself, doing little things for him, getting him food, snuggling him, and anything else he already had naturally done before he added an intent behind it. Calum’s been a little reserved through it all, not leaning into the touches as often, and Ashton can tell he’s incredibly wary about the whole situation, but he understands. Calum doesn’t want to be hurt again, and Ashton doesn’t want him to be afraid of getting hurt, so he’s patient as Calum takes all the time he needs. 

Though it’s been getting a little frustrating lately, Ashton won’t lie. He knows he’d be the best boyfriend to Calum ever, if he just let him. 

Even now, it’s the day before Calum’s birthday, and Ashton asked him to make himself free, so they could spend the night together before they go clubbing with friends tomorrow. Ashton’s not sure if Calum actually did end up staying home and waiting, but it’s three now, and Ashton’s ready for their date. 

Because that’s _exactly_ what this is - a date. Everything they’re doing tonight is alone and romantic. He even brought tulips, which he’s holding in his right hand when Calum opens the door, looking as cute as always and making Ashton melt just by existing. 

“Hey,” he greets, smiling softly. 

“Hey,” Ashton repeats, holding out the tulips out in front of him. “I brought you these.”

When Calum looks down to see the bouquet and his eyes bulge out only slightly. “You brought me _flowers?_ ”

“These ones reminded me of you.” He says it with no shame. The tulips are a bright sunshiny yellow and they’re soft to the touch. Calum beams as he takes them carefully from Ashton and rushes inside to put them in water. 

He reappears at the door, shrugging on a jacket despite it being summer, and looks at Ashton expectantly. “So?” he asks. “Where are you taking me, man of mystery?” 

“County jail,” Ashton teases, reaching forward to fix the way Calum’s collar falls. “You’re under arrest for being too cute.” 

Though he rolls his eyes, Ashton can see the red climbing up Calum’s tan neck. His favorite thing in the world is making Calum blush, and he’s found that the cheesier the compliment the redder his face. It’s his mission this year to do whatever he can to keep the flushed color a constant to Calum’s complexion. No day is complete without it.

“I’ve changed my mind, I’m busy tonight,” Calum says, but he’s grinning when he turns to walk back inside. 

Wrapping his hands gently around Calum’s shoulders, Ashton steers him out of the house and down the front steps. “Nothing too fancy,” he answers Calum’s original question. “I thought we could go bowling and grab some food.” 

“Why are we still here?” Calum asks, stepping out of Ashton’s hold and walking a bit faster. “I’m not even hungry, we can skip dinner, let’s go.” For whatever reason, he absolutely _loves_ bowling despite being horrendous at it. 

“Absolutely not, I’m buying you dinner. You can’t bowl on an empty stomach, it’s unthinkable.” Besides, Ashton really wants to make tonight as long and good and date-like as possible. He doesn’t know how much longer Calum’s going to make him wait, but he refuses to lose trajectory on this. Every day he has to go bigger, better, _harder_. If he shows any signs of slowing down, Calum might start to question him, and he can’t let that happen. Calum pouts, but he lets Ashton lead the way.

It’s not exactly a five-star meal, but they eat dinner at the same burger place they used to go to as a band when they weren’t making videos and pretending to practice in Michael’s house. Calum gets the whipped cream from his milkshake on his nose immediately, just like he always did, but instead of laughing, Ashton wipes it off for him this time around, wondering why he didn’t _always_ do that when Calum’s eyes crinkle with a giggle in response. It really makes Ashton regret the four years he spent fucking around when Calum was right in front of him, ready to be loved. 

Across the table, Calum spends the entire meal a little jittery. He’s not rushing Ashton or ignoring the conversation, but it’s easy to see that he just wants to get out - to finish up, pay the bill, and bowl. Ashton decides to take an annoying amount of time eating just because he likes watching Calum excited. There’s something about him being desperate to do something, but not wanting to push for it that makes Ashton want to keep him squirming in his seat. 

When they finally finish dinner and make their way to the bowling centre, Ashton quietly questions why Calum was so excited when he’s exceedingly bad at it. In his entire nineteen years of living, Calum’s confessed to only getting two strikes, and one of them was with Michael behind him, guiding his way. 

Ashton’s a much better player, but he lets Calum win every game, just so he can see him grin and clap his hands, just for the stupid victory dance that makes Ashton want to kiss him all over his pretty face. Even when Calum’s getting gutterballs and pouting, Ashton can feel himself falling that much more in love, wanting to take his cheeks in his hands and never let anyone hurt him. 

He doesn’t know how Calum’s about to turn nineteen tomorrow when tonight is the youngest Ashton’s felt in his entire life, just being in love with his best friend. 

As Ashton drives Calum back home, Calum lets him hold his hand on the center console while they talk about the logistics of turning Michael’s man cave into a suitable fortress during a zombie apocalypse. It’s equal parts sweet and silly - the perfect mix of who they are - and Ashton feels hopeful that this has helped prove to Calum that he could be a good boyfriend, that his love is real and unwavering. 

With only one last thing to do before Ashton lets Calum declare this the best date ever, he walks Calum to his door and squeezes his hand. “Hey, can I come in for a second?” He asks, the left pocket of his jacket suddenly heavy. “I have a pre-birthday present to give you.”

Calum cocks his head to the side like a confused puppy but agrees, “Yeah, course.” He guides them inside to the couch that’s changed positions since Ashton last saw it a year ago, and they sit down. 

“I hope this isn’t stupid,” Ashton mutters, needing to have gotten this right. He spares a thought to the stack of old records he has for Calum tomorrow, ones he knows he’s going to love, and almost abandons tonight’s gift entirely in lieu of something better. But he’s already promised Calum a present, and he can’t back out now, so he pulls out the little box from his jacket pocket and hands it over to Calum.

When Calum takes the box, eyebrow quirked hesitantly, Ashton holds his breath, not letting it go until after Calum’s undone the ribbon and opened the box. His eyes widen in recognition, and he carefully lifts the present out of the box. “You kept it?” 

In his hand is the sand dollar they found together at the beach last January. Ashton had slipped it into his pocket that day, wanting to remember the look on Calum’s face when he found it, the determination in all of the wishes they made for each other, and the feeling of being with his favorite person on Earth. It only feels right, now that he has everything he could ever want sitting in front of him, to pass it off to the only person he thinks it might mean as much to. 

“I thought maybe you wouldn’t remember,” he confesses, pulling his bottom lip in between his teeth shyly. 

With his eyes shining, something starry in them, Calum looks at Ashton and shakes his head, “Of course I do.” The sand dollar is still in his hand and he’s gently running his thumb over top which used to be tan and rough, and is now smooth and pure white

“You told me that day, by December we would have fallen in love,” Ashton reminds him. “I guess it was magic after all.” The corners of Calum’s mouth tilt up. “I, um, I had to look up online how to preserve them. My hands smelled like bleach for a whole two days…” 

Calum carefully puts the sand dollar back into the box, and leans forward, hugging Ashton tight. “Thank you,” he mumbles into Ashton’s collarbone. Ashton presses a kiss to his temple. He wants so badly to kiss his lips, but he’s letting Calum set the pace, and anything short of Calum initiating anything wouldn’t be waiting patiently like he promised. 

Knowing he needs to distance himself before falling into his own instincts, Ashton starts, “I should probably - ” but Calum shakes his head against Ashton’s chest, stopping him. 

“You should stay.” 

And while he knows nothing’s going to happen tonight, that there won’t be anything more than a cuddle, it’s still a victory in Ashton’s book. Hell, anything with Calum is a victory. 

  
  
  


_February 3_

If you told Calum last year at the same time that he would be shying away from Ashton Irwin’s romantic advances, he would have laughed in your face. But as it stands, he’s still wary of whether or not Ashton’s just tired of being alone. 

The past month has been something out of the movies - Ashton being sweet, and caring, and so goddamn boyfriendly that Calum went to bed smiling more nights than he could count. It would be so easy for Calum to just give in and be with him, like he’s always wanted to be, but he told himself to be smart about this. He doesn’t want to get hurt again, so he can’t fall into any traps.

The night before his birthday, Calum almost kissed Ashton. It was at the tip of his tongue to ask for it, to beg him to just be Calum’s, but it wasn’t the right time. It was an incredible gesture, by far the most romantic thing anybody’s done for him, but he needs something _real_ , something that’s going to wipe the doubt out of his head. 

They’re just wrapping things up in a writing session, and Ashton - for the first time in a month - has been a little distant, really focused on a new song he’s been trying to finish. Michael’s been helping him with the melody a tiny bit, and Calum knows Luke was tossing some ideas around with him last week, and Calum notices with annoyance that he still gets a twinge of jealousy looking at the two of them together. Ashton hasn’t shared the song with him yet, and he _might_ be worried that it’s a love song. If it is, it should be fine since they don’t have too many written for the album, but the fact that Ashton went to Michael and not Calum… Well not to be dramatic, but it makes him worry that they’re going to elope and leave Calum behind for good, and the last month will have been erased along with all of Michael and Calum’s friendship. 

He pushes that part of himself aside and focuses on Luke’s clumsy fingers as they fuck up on the riff for _Castaway_ yet again. 

It’s clearly time to go when Luke can’t even play his own song right, so they all pack up, and Ashton finds him immediately as they’re walking out the door, linking their arms together. Calum smiles at him and feels himself swaying automatically further into Ashton’s body. 

“You make any progress, pup?” 

Calum nods slowly. “Lyrics for Castaway are almost done, I think.” At this point, it’s basically fine tuning. The song has come a long way since Luke sent him an echoey audio of him singing in the bathroom. “I wanna show you later, yeah?” 

“Sounds good, roomie,” Ashton teases, his shoulder trying to bump further into Calum’s where they’re basically pressed together. 

They’ve been rooming together recently again, and Calum finds it both wonderful and difficult. He loves staying up and talking about random things with Ashton until they fall asleep, but he also finds it hard not to run across the room into the other bed and snuggle into Ashton.

Or do other, more physical, more _tempting_ things. 

When they get to the hotel, Ashton sits on the edge of his bed and watches Calum change into a soft hoodie, eyes tracking his every move as Calum tries not to show how aware he is of it. 

“Hey,” he says suddenly as Calum heads for the guitar. “Once you’ve gone over lyrics with me, I was thinking, I want to show you what I’ve been working on?” 

All pretenses of playing his own song slip from Calum’s mind. “I finally get to hear it?” 

“Yeah, I think so,” Ashton says. His fingers are playing with a loose string on his jeans, nerves showing. “I think it might be something.” 

“Okay, I’m curious. You’re going first.” 

Ashton pales, looking up at Calum with scared, hollow eyes. “No, you show me - ”

“Ash. Come _on_ ,” Calum whines, cutting Ashton off. “I wanna hear what you’ve written. You’ve heard the lyrics to Castaway a thousand times, they’ve barely changed.” 

Ashton bites his lip and nods, gesturing for Calum to hand him the guitar propped on the wall. Calum gives it to him with a smile, sitting on the bed with an excited jitter racing under his skin. He loves watching Ashton play guitar - he’s a little shaky with it, not quite as good as the rest of them, but he picks instruments up so easily and looks so good playing them. 

When the music starts, everything in the room fades into the background for Calum as he listens. Ashton’s voice is beautiful as he sings “ _I want to be the one you remember, I want to feel your love like the weather, all over me,_ ” and Calum wishes he would sing more. The song is pretty, and _sad,_ like Ashton’s reaching for someone just out of his grasp, like he’s _desperate_ for them. Ashton looks straight into his eyes with the next part, “y _ou know you’ve got perfect aim, I want to feel you in my veins,_ ” and Calum can hear it’s exactly what Ashton’s been wanting to write. 

It’s the most personal song Ashton’s ever written by far, and Calum’s a little stunned. If there’s a chance this has anything to do with him, then what Ashton’s been telling him, it could be true. He could be in love - because a year ago, Ashton couldn’t have written this. 

As the song finishes, Ashton continues to look down at his lap and doesn’t say anything. He looks shy as he runs a hand through his hair. 

“What’s, um,” Calum starts, not sure what he’s meant to say after something so special was just laid out for him. “Who’s it about?” 

When Ashton looks up, it’s with an incredulous look on his face. “ _You,_ Calum, god, do I have to spell it out for you every time?” Despite his words, he doesn’t look angry. In fact, he looks the most sincere Calum’s ever seen him. “I mean, I will, if that’s what you need. I’m in love with you, I love you so much I’m sick with it, I love you every second of every - ”

He doesn’t get to finish his speech, cut off when Calum slams their lips together. He makes a surprised noise and then melts into it, sighing. He brings his hand up to Calum’s cheek, and brushes his thumb over his cheekbone delicately, letting them fall into it together. 

It’s not until Calum slips his tongue into his mouth, that Ashton moans out a deep noise. The hand he has on Calum’s cheek slides down to his neck, and his thumb settles on his pulse point. They part for air for a second, but Calum’s stopped from swooping back in by Ashton’s, “Wait, wait,” and Calum’s confused. Haven’t they waited enough? Does Ashton even want this?

He does. 

After taking half a second to put the guitar on the ground, he pulls Calum in again, picking up exactly where they left off. They’re pressed together now, sitting on the bed, and after a moment, Calum swings his leg over Ashton’s so he’s halfway in his lap, comfortable and warm and _dizzy_ with Ashton’s mouth on his. 

Fantasy has _nothing_ on reality, Calum decides then and there. Ashton kisses like he’s starving for it, and he probably is after a month without anything. He’s insistent, and his hand is on Calum’s waist, _big_ and strong and Calum can’t help but whine a tiny bit into his mouth. He feels Ashton smile a little at the noise, something cocky and smug. 

Feeling a little mocked, Calum pushes Ashton’s shoulder playfully, sending his backwards on the bed so he’s stretched out. He holds out his arms for Calum, who climbs on top of him and lets their lips meet again, torsos preshed flush as they finally let each other in after years of chasing each other. 

Ashton’s so warm, and his lips are so soft, and Calum’s annoyed at himself for making himself wait this long, when this is this moment is better than any number one single or sold out show could ever be. Ashton’s hand rests on the small of Calum’s back, under his hoodie, and he’s tracing small circles with his thumb into Calum’s skin. 

They only kiss for another minute until Calum pulls away, looking into Ashton’s eyes. Ashton smiles up at him, his hair is messy on the pillow and his lips are red and swollen. He looks so content and lazy and happy, and Calum’s stomach has little butterflies in it. _He_ did that. Ashton looks like that because he loves _Calum_. 

“You are the most beautiful person I know,” Ashton comments offhandedly, saying it like he hadn’t meant to but couldn’t resist, and Calum feels himself go scarlet. He decides his late New Years resolution is to stop blushing when Ashton compliments him. He hides his face in Ashton’s shirt to hide it, but a yawn comes out as he does. 

“And the sleepiest. Time for bed, pup?” 

Calum shakes his head on Ashton’s chest. “Not tired.” 

“Are too.”

Calum wants to argue, wants to kiss more, wants to be awake with Ashton for the rest of his life, but his eyelids are getting so heavy and he’s so cozy lying half on top of Ashton, who keeps pressing little kisses to his nose and cheeks. He could probably die like this, and sleeping sounds like a great first stop on the way there. “... Maybe.” 

He feels as much as he hears Ashton huff out a little laugh. “Go to sleep, Cal. I’ll be here when you wake up.” 

He lets himself fall asleep, Ashton’s singing voice playing in his head and his thumb still rubbing against the soft skin of his back. 

  
  
  


_February 17_

First it was James Bourne from _Busted_ , and then Alex Gaskarth from _All Time Low_ , and now it’s Chuck and Pierre from _Simple Plan_. Michael’s life is an actual dream come true. He’s writing with all of his favorite musicians, travelling the world with his favorite people, and playing with Chuck Comeau’s cute ass dog. 

That’s what they’re doing now, Michael and Calum, playing with Chuck’s dog as they wait for Chuck and Pierre to set up their small recording system. They apologized at first for not being able to entertain Michael and Calum, but as two besotted dog lovers, this is a best case scenario. Calum’s playing tug-of-war with the puppy now, and Michael watches on, unable to stop himself from grinning at every attempt the small, white dog makes at showing strength. 

“He’s so _cute,”_ Calum whines, “I want one.” The dog yips, and Calum yips back. 

“You should get one then,” Michael sas through a laugh. “We could have a _real_ tour dog!” He has to backtrack when Calum looks offended. “Not that Ketchup wasn’t real. But you know, this one would have fur and a personality.” 

They still have that smooth plastic dog mannequin somewhere in the world. Michael thinks it might be at Feldy’s place, but he has no real way of knowing. An _actual_ dog would be a great step up. Michael’s always wanted to have a house full of animals, and Calum’s admitted many a time to wanting nothing more in life than to be consumed whole by a pile of puppies. They could make both their wishes come true, and easily. 

“I don’t think I’m ready to take care of a dog yet,” Calum confesses, breaking Michael’s heart. The puppy yips again, and Calum talks to him in a baby voice, “ _Oh no I’m not! You’d wither away and die from neglect! Yes you would, you little angel! Oh yes you would!_ ” He picks up the puppy and puts him carefully on an armchair. “I’m taking a picture for Ashton. I want him to see our future.” 

Michael watches him with a smile while he takes pics of the dog, but slowly the expression drops from his face. As sweet as they are, Michael can’t help but be reminded that he’s the reason it took them so long to get together. That if he didn’t get in the way, if he didn’t step in and ruin everything, maybe they’d be celebrating their eight month anniversary or something. 

Sure, they’re together and happy now, making out on every surface they can and giggling even when nobody’s said anything, but Michael can’t help but think he slowed the process down. 

“So…” he starts hesitantly after Calum’s taken his third selfie with the puppy. “Things are going well with you two?” 

With red cheeks and a bashful smile on his lips, Calum giggles. “Really well, yeah. He’s perfect.” 

“I’m happy for you both,” Michael says, finding it’s only filled a quarter of the way with jealousy. “It’s been a long time coming.” He pauses for a moment, but when Calum doesn’t say anything, the guilt starts eating at him again. “Cal, I’m sorry for - ”

“You don’t have to.” Calum cuts him off, smiling a bit sadly. They’ve mostly made up, forgiven but not forgotten, as Calum said the last time they spoke about it, but Michael holds fear that Calum still hates him a little. “It’s all in the past, Mike.” 

Michael nods despite his worries. He’ll probably always be a little on edge about everything, but it’s what he deserves. Besides, Calum and Ashton are together now, more in love than ever, and all Michael can do is sit back and be glad he didn’t completely ruin things forever. 

“What about you?” Calum asks with a cautious tone as he rubs at the puppy’s ear. 

“Me?” 

“Yeah, anything exciting happening in your love life?” He bites his lip after asking, which means he thinks he’s breaching on a forbidden topic. He’s wrong though, Michael tells himself, because it’s not a topic at all. There’s nothing happening ever, nor will there ever be. 

Instead of saying all of that and sounding as pathetic as he feels, he just sighs. “Not at all.” 

“What about…” Calum trails off, and Michael can tell he wants to ask about Luke, but he doesn’t. Michael shakes his head.

“It’s not like that, with him,” he says. With a huff, he adds, “I mean, I still want it to be. But he’s made it pretty clear he’s not interested.” 

Right now, Luke and Ashton are on their own writing trip, spending a few days away from Calum and Michael. Luke’s writing with Josh Ramsey from _Marianas Trench_ , living his own dream, and not thinking about Michael. He’s thinking about all the girls and boys that throw themselves at him on a daily basis and how much he hated kissing Michael and would never do it again. 

At least, Michael _believes_ that’s what he’s doing. 

“Your turn to try and move on?” Calum asks with a laugh, clearly trying to add a bit of humor. 

Michael shrugs, not agreeing, but not saying no. He could never move on, he already knows. There’s only one person in the world Michael could ever be in love with. “I might try being in unrequited love for the rest of my life. I hear it’s fun, dying alone and sad.” 

“ _Mikey_.” Calum’s frowning, and Michael immediately feels guilty. Making Calum sad is a federal offense, he’s sure. 

“Sorry,” he apologizes. “That was dramatic.” 

“I would expect nothing less.” 

Michael smiles a little and shakes his head. “Not quite ready to move on yet. But I will be. At some point.” It’s all a lie. He’ll never be ready to move on. Not while Luke’s still alive and well, looking as heartbreakingly beautiful as he does. 

Michael silently crosses his fingers, hoping that in the next two years, Luke gets ugly. 

  
  
  


_February 24_

If Michael were asked about the love of his life, he’d go on for hours about how Luke’s been favorite person for the past four years. He’d talk about his eyes and lips and hair and _legs_ , about how when he sings it’s like a symphony, and his smile is its own source of light. For the entirety of Michael’s music career, and maybe even a little before that, there’s been nothing on Earth that could ever compete with Luke Hemmings as the sole captor of Michael’s attention. 

Until now, that is. There might be a contender for that position, Michael thinks as he takes in the sushi restaurant around him. 

They’re in Japan and Michael never wants to leave. The culture, the food, the people. It’s all incredible, sucking Michael in, and he’s completely okay with it. It’s his favorite place they’ve ever been, and one day, when he’s rich and Beyonce famous, he’s going to move out here and spend the rest of his life content. 

Japan isn’t the only thing making him want to settle down, though. Luke’s sitting next to him at the table, and his already distractingly beautiful face is covered by a smattering of hair. It’s not quite a beard, but it _is_ doing things to Michael’s heart… and his dick. When Michael wished for Luke to get uglier in the next few years, the universe must have been laughing at him, planning on doing the exact opposite and turning him into a man. 

“How do they decide what fish is sushi-grade and what isn’t?” Calum asks from across the table, lips pursed as he stares at the plate in front of him. 

“I think it’s a beauty contest,” Ashton says, sounding completely serious like always when they get to talking about incredibly weird things. 

“What,” Calum starts, looking up at Ashton, a small smile subtly quirking at his lips when they make eye contact. “Like a fish pageant?” 

Ashton nods. “Yup. Most beautiful fish wins and gets chopped up into little pieces and fed to you.” He feeds Calum a little bit of yellowtail and Calum smiles, chewing and looking at Ashton with his crinkly eyes. Michael watches them, and he’s happy that they’re finally together, but his heart also aches a little when he looks over and sees Luke trying to stab a piece of sashimi with a chopstick. He could feed Luke if Luke let him. 

But then again, that’s something _couples_ do, and Luke doesn’t want to be in a couple with Michael. He made that incredibly clear, and Michael needs to live with it. It’s just hard when Luke’s pouting at his plate, looking so good unshaven, with his lip ring shoved in everyone’s faces. 

“You doing okay there?” he asks, hesitantly, hoping Luke doesn’t notice how short of breath he is just staring at his face. 

“I hate chopsticks.” 

The frown on his face is too sweet to ignore. “Here.” Michael takes Luke’s hand and positions it around his chopsticks carefully. “There, then you just - ” he mimes using them, and Luke does his best to mimic it, but they fall out of his clumsy hands, and he looks at them forlornly.

“I’ll just starve, then.” 

With an uncontainable grin, Michael shakes his head. “Here.” He picks up the sashimi with his own chopsticks and holds it out for Luke to eat. Luke’s eyes widen but he shrugs a little and eats what he’s being offered. 

It should feel a little coupley, but really, more than that, it feels like how they _used_ to be, how they acted before Michael’s dumb feelings got in the way of everything, and it makes little pulses of something golden and warm flash under his skin, If they can do things like this, act like boyfriendly-best friends, but not actually be together, Michael thinks that maybe he can be okay, maybe he can make it though a love unrequited. 

“Hey.” He keeps his voice a little low, just so Luke can hear him. Not that it matters, really, when Calum and Ashton are too wrapped up in each other to pay attention to anyone else. 

“Yeah?” 

Feeling brave from such a small but telling moment between them with the sushi, Michael grins. “Your face looks really good. The, uh…” It’s not a beard, but he can’t think of any other words for some reason. Instead he just reaches out and runs his hand along Luke’s cheek, feeling where it’s rough and stubbly. 

“Thanks.” It’s dry and Luke’s face is a little red as he gulps. His breathing is off, so Michael lowers his hand. He never wants to make Luke uncomfortable, and he definitely overstepped. Next time, he’ll have to be more careful. 

  
  
  


_February 28_

Just like in all of his dreams, Calum’s sitting in Ashton’s lap in the green room, kissing him. Only, it’s not a dream, it’s real life, and he’s never felt so alive.

They’ve been there for fifteen minutes or so, and his lips are starting to feel numb, but he doesn’t care. He could stay here forever and die happily. Ashton’s hands are on his waist, his fingers playing with the hem of his shirt, coming up to run through his hair, wandering wherever they can like he can’t get enough - Calum can’t either. 

When Calum lets out a tiny moan into Ashton’s mouth, Ashton bites his lip, his hand making its down to Calum’s ass and that’s… That’s very _very_ nice. He pushes back against it, and Ashton makes a questioning little noise into his mouth, answered by Calum’s enthused nod, still not pulling back from Ashton’s mouth, not wanting to separate for even a moment. Ashton squeezes a little harder, with both hands now, and Calum moans louder, getting lost in the feeling. 

They’re getting themselves worked up with heated touches and enthusiastic groans, and Calum doesn’t see an end in sight. At least, not until - 

“God,” Luke’s whine is cut off by the sound of the greenroom door closing loudly behind him. “Do you ever stop for one minute?” 

Calum rolls his eyes and pulls away from Ashton, who makes a sad noise and starts kissing his neck instead. “Do you knock?”

“Have I ever?” His eyebrow raises challengingly as he plops down on the couch next to them. 

He doesn’t show any signs of leaving and Calum really wants to throw something at him. Ashton sighs and detaches himself from Calum’s neck. “Don’t you have anywhere else to be?”

“There’s nothing else to do,” he says, throwing his hands up. “I want to hang out with you guys. Come on, please?” 

Calum _does_ feel a little bad. Ever since he and Ashton got together, they’ve been doing a lot of their own separate thing, abandoning Luke and Michael in the name of love. It’s not like it was intention, neglecting the rest of their band, but it still looks like Luke’s hurt about it, and Calum doesn’t have the heart to kick him out. He sighs, pulling back from Ashton. 

“FIFA?” 

It’s worth it when Luke beams, rushing forward to set the game up. Ashton looks disappointed, but he snuggles into Calum as they begin to play, silently understanding that Luke needs this. 

  
  
  


_March 6_

While they’re in town celebrating Feldy’s mom’s birthday, Luke and Ashton decide to go out surfing together. Michael and Calum are hopeless at it, which is great for Luke because it’s one of the few sports he doesn’t feel terrible at. 

Well, he’s not great, he wipes out a lot, but at least he has fun. 

It’s as they’re taking a break from the waves, sitting back on the sand, drinking water, and watching the ocean that Luke leans into Ashton. He hasn’t had a real talk with him for a long time, and he’s curious how everything’s going. He’s also still harboring residual guilt from last year, but that probably won’t ever go away, if he’s being completely honest with himself. 

“So,” he starts, a question in his voice. “Calum?” Ashton smiles immediately, and Luke is equal parts jealous and happy for him. “Things are good, right?”

“Things are good,” he agrees with a husky laugh, the same dopey smile on his face that never seems to go away these days. “More than good. I’ve never felt like this about anyone before.” Luke nods; he gets it. Well, not completely, because it’s not reciprocated, but he almost gets it. He _wants_ to get it.

“Remember last year, Valentine’s Day?” 

At first, he doesn’t, but then Luke remembers it clear as day. He was so in denial about his feelings for Michael that he ended up making himself miserable. He remembers eating the pancakes he made with Ashton, pretending to be okay with their ‘fuck love’ plan, even though he was dying inside with how alone he felt. A lot has changed since then, but in a weird way, it really hasn’t. Luke was as in love then as he is now - the only difference is that he’s acknowledging it, and he knows it won’t work out. Somehow, it’s better than not knowing at all. 

“I remember being so mystified by love then,” Ashton continues, a faraway look in his eyes as he stares just past Luke. “I had no idea what it was going to be like. Turns out I already knew.” There’s a small laugh as he shakes his head. “I was so stupid.” 

“Yeah, same.” 

“Yeah, it’s like…” When Luke’s agreement catches up with him, Ashton stops talking, shaking his head, confused. “Wait, what?” 

It’s been almost a year since Luke realized that he felt something more than platonic for Michael, but the only person he told was Michael himself. After everything went down, after Michael just wanted him for a hookup, he kept everything to himself. It’s made it hard to manage everything he’s felt these past months, but he was scared. Now that they’ve distanced themselves from it for a bit, Luke thinks it might be time to talk to someone. 

“Uh…” He takes a deep breath, trying to ignore Ashton’s inquisitive stare. “Okay, I want to tell you something.”

“Okay?” 

“Last year, when I told Calum about you and Michael - ” he cringes as he passes the topic, remembering how much he’d hurt all three of his bandmates, and the acidity of the guilt burns heavy in his throat. “Which I’m sorry for, by the way, it wasn’t my pl - ”

Ashton waves him off impatiently. “It doesn’t matter, tell me!” 

“When you told me about you and Michael, remember when you said he was upset?” Luke remembers how much it hurt when Ashton first told him the details of what had happened, and even know it still stings, remembering how easily Michael picked someone new to hookup with. “The night he came to you? He had just been talking to me like an hour before.” 

“He said he was upset ‘cause someone he wanted to be with didn’t…” The moment Ashton realizes is easy to see. His eyes get wide and he turns from where he was drifting his head towards the ocean and hones in on Luke’s cringing face. “Oh my _god_.” 

Luke nods and takes a deep breath. “We, um. He wanted to be with me.” 

“Oh my _god._ Luke, I had no idea it was you, I never would have - ”

“He wanted…” he cuts himself off, reminds himself that he wanted to be with _someone_ , anyone really. It wasn’t _Luke_ that enticed him, just a body. “I mean. He didn’t want to be _with_ me, I don’t think. I think he just wanted, like. A hookup. And I didn’t just want that.” 

The air sits tense and quiet between them, Luke’s fingers twitching in his lap. When he finally looks up, Ashton’s frowning at him. “I don’t think that’s right, Luke,” he says as though he was there, as though he knows more than Luke does. “He was really broken up about it, that night. I think it hurt him more than you think it did.” 

It doesn’t feel right, Luke thinks. Michael had been almost fine the next day - he seemed almost _excited_ if not just normal. Aside from one comment about needing time, he barely seemed upset at all. Had that been an act? Why would he have been so upset about _Luke_? 

His focus is brought back when Ashton starts talking again. “But you… you wanted more, with him? With Michael?” 

Luke nods. “That’s why I was so mad.” 

“Mad at me?” 

“Mad at _him_ ,” Luke corrects. He thought he was mad at Ashton at the time, but it wasn’t that at all. “Jealous of you for being the one he went to after.” 

“Luke, I’m sorry. I had no idea, or I wouldn’t have - ”

It wasn’t Luke’s intention for their fun surfing adventure to turn into a conversation of regret and sadness. He shakes his head, cutting Ashton’s unnecessary apology off. “You didn’t know. It just hurt, at the time.” Ashton nods, and they sit for a bit, but neither stop thinking about everything that’s happened. 

“I still love him.”

“I can tell,” Ashton says, and though it’s with a laugh, it doesn’t feel funny. 

“Could you, um, not tell Calum?” Luke asks, needing today to stay between them. It’s been a lot telling all of this to Ashton, and he can’t share with everyone so quickly. He needs more time for this to be a secret. “Just for now. I don’t want him knowing yet.” 

Ashton winces. “I hate keeping things from him.” When Luke looks at him pleadingly, he sighs. “I won’t tell him, promise.” They shake pinkies and Luke turns to look back at the ocean, but Ashton stays frowning at him. “I’m sorry, Luke. It has to be hard.” 

And it is. It’s the hardest thing he’s ever been through - even harder than year nine when everyone hated him. Even harder than the first time he sang in front of a crowd. He was able to get past everything with the help of Michael, but when Michael’s problem, there’s nobody to save him… there’s nothing to be done but _feel_. 

  
  
  


_March 17_

Having everybody back together has Ashton feeling on top of the world. It'd only been a week that they were away, but he missed having the band together, four best friends living out of each other's pockets. More than that, though, he missed his boyfriend - the very one that he's refused to take his arms off of since they met up. He can't help it, not really. Somehow Calum only got cuter during their time apart. Ashton's convinced he's a witch.

They decided to go see Sleeping with Sirens as a group, and afterwards they were called backstage. Ashton won't lie, he isn't as excited for this as he normally would be. It's just been so long since he's had Calum at all, let alone had him to himself, and he wants to drag him off to their hotel room and smother his face with little kisses as a reminder that they love each other. 

Not that he thinks Calum's forgotten, it's just… safety precautions. 

"I’m gonna asphyxiate," Calums says suddenly, but he's giggling, not even the slightest bit short of breath. 

Ashton nods into his shoulder anyway. He's behind Calum, and maybe he's hugging him a bit too tight, but it's his boyfriendly right. "That’s the plan. Then you can’t leave me for a week to hang out with _Michael_." 

"You’re the one who wanted to go surfing," Calum teases, head tipping back so he's looking into Ashton eyes. "You know I almost died last time."

Even when he's exaggerating, Ashton still finds Calum fucking adorable. He kisses his cheek sloppily. "I would have saved you from the big bad water."Calum rolls his eyes, but Ashton can see he loves it. Around them, everyone's talking, telling stories and laughing loudly, but Ashton's getting impatient - he just wants to get Calum to himself. His voice a whisper, he talks into Calum's neck. "I wanna be alone with you, it’s been _forever."_

"Me too. Half an hour?" His voice is so nice, and he’s so warm, and Ashton missed him so much. Half an hour might be an hour too far away, so Ashton looks around and finds a bathroom sign, pulling Calum along. "What are you - "

"Shhhh." 

They get to the bathroom, and Ashton locks the door behind them, finally kissing him for the first time in a week. Calum returns it happily, soft lips chasing Ashton's right away. They break apart smiling, and Ashton can't resist giving him a few more pecks.

"Okay," he sighs, feeling just a little better. "Now I can wait a little longer to leave." 

Calum grins and shakes his head. "C’mon, Luke wanted pictures with everyone on the tiny couch." 

*****

When they finally make their way back to the hotel, Ashton celebrates by throwing himself backwards onto the bed, opening his arms wide for Calum to climb into. Which he does, eagerly straddling Ashton's waist and leaning down to kiss him. Sure they kissed briefly at the club, but this better, this is their space - temporarily - and they can finally take advantage of the time. 

"Missed you so much," Ashton mumbles when he pulls away to breathe. 

"I missed you more." 

Ashton shakes his head once before leaning in and stealing Calum’s lips again. “Not possible,” he says quickly, speaking in the short bits of time when they aren’t attached. “Never going surfing again. Selling my wetsuit on eBay.” 

“You’d better not.” Calum pulls back frowning. “That’s my favorite thing you’ve ever worn.” Whether it’s a joke or not, Ashton doesn’t care when Calum’s eyes burn down his body like they are now. He grins, pulling Calum back in, and sliding his tongue into his mouth. 

It carries on like it usually does, the two of them moving together, enjoying each other’s presence, trying to get closer together even though they’re already touching, but they’re not as tired as they usually are when they get back from playing a show, and Michael and Luke aren’t walking in like they usually do backstage - there’s no interruptions or excuses keeping them from going further, and they’ve spent a week apart, fueling them. 

When Calum starts squirming in Ashton’s lap, needy whines filling the air between them, Ashton has to grip his hips a little too tight, far too affected by his hot boyfriend writhing on top of him. 

“ _Baby_ ,” he warns, voice rough as he attempts to think of the least arousing things he can so he doesn’t flip Calum over and grind against him until he cums in his pants. Calum just nods enthusiastically, burying his face in Ashton’s shoulder. Ashton kisses his neck, wondering, “Baby, what do you want me to do?” Calum says something into his inaudible into his shoulder, so Ashton puts his fingers under his chin and lifts his head up so they’re looking in each others eyes. He kisses him again and pulls away only a tiny bit. “Can’t hear you, what?” 

“ _Touch me,_ ” Calum’s breathy voice begs, and fucking _fuck_ , Ashton thinks he’s going to die. “Can you, please.” 

This has been all he's been dreaming about for months, and it’s finally happening. He feels his heart start beating faster and he nods. “Okay, okay, yeah.” Calum giggles as he pushes himself up onto his elbows. “I can do that.” 

With jittery hands, completely flustered at the promise of doing something so intimate with Calum, Ashton reaches down to get the zip on Calum’s pants down. He fumbling a bit, too excited to take his time, so Calum helps him a little bit, shimmying out of his jeans and his underwear so he’s naked from the waist down. Ashton tries to keep his cool, but seeing Calum’s dick, hard and a little wet at the tip, makes him wanna do so much - _everything_. He can’t decide which route to take first, so he leans forward and kisses Calum again, bringing his shaking hand down to stroke him while he does, and it makes Calum whine into his mouth, moving his hips up into Ashton’s hand from where he’s sitting on his lap. 

“You’re so _hot_ , baby,” Ashton praises, unable to keep the words to himself when Calum’s a work of art on top of him. “You look so good, love you so much.” 

Calum whimpers and keeps moving his hips into Ashton’s fist, but it’s not long until he’s petting at the denim over Ashton’s crotch now. “Want you too, can you - ”

The rest of Calum’s question is cut off when Ashton moans, loud and unrestrained, thanking _God_ he won’t have to rut against Calum’s perfect ass until he ruins his underwear. He hasn’t done that since he was fourteen, and Calum rocking in his lap is a dangerous way to get there quickly. 

“Yeah, okay, let me just - ” Ashton lets go of Calum’s cock and is met with a disappointed whine even as Calum awkwardly moves off of him for a moment so they can work to get Ashton’s jeans and boxers down. 

Now, Ashton’s not naive, he knows they’ve all seen each other naked - it’s hard not to when you’re always in such close proximity to each other - but Calum’s never seen him turned on like before, never seen him hard and desperate. He holds himself nervously as Calum gets back in his lap, eyes glued to where he’s throbbing in his own hand. Calum bites his lip before he brings his hand down to touch, he looks almost in awe. 

“You’re so hard,” he pants as he starts dragging his hand up and down. Ashton closes his eyes at the clumsy strokes, the unsure touch exactly what he needs. 

“So hard, pup, you make me so hard.” He reaches down and resumes getting Calum off, his grip a bit tighter this time around. 

Calum whimpers, leaning down to mouth at Ashton’s shirt collar. It’s kind of pathetic, how eager they are, that they couldn’t even take the time to take off their shirts, just desperately touching each other naked only from the waist down. But Ashton can’t really care when it feels so good, and he can feel how much Calum wants him back. 

It’s more than enough, being here with Calum, touching him all over, but Ashton wants _more_ . He brings his other hand to Calum’s ass and runs it over the skin there. He’s so warm and soft and _smooth_ , and Ashton squeezes a little bit. It’s supposed to just be a grope, but Calum really reacts to it, almost crying out and taking his hand off Ashton’s dick to grip at his arms. 

The loss of contact is conflicting because as much as Ashton loves his boyfriend’s reactions, as much as he wants to reduce him to a whimpery, stuttering mess, he’s going to die if he doesn’t get a hand back on his dick. Just before he’s about to say as much, he has an idea. He pulls Calum forward a little more on his lap, so they’re really pushed together, and takes them both in one of his hands, starting pumping them together. 

Feeling Calum’s entire body seize up in his grip, he gets more confident with it, squeezing his hand as he strips their cocks together. 

“ _Ash, oh,”_ Calum whines. His eyes are closed now, and Ashton watches every facial expression, every little twitch in his mouth and furrow of his eyebrows. He looks down to where he’s touching them both and moans at the image it makes, their dicks pressed together sliding through his fist

“Cal, baby,” he starts babbling, words falling out of his mouth as quickly as Calum moves against him. “I don’t think, I think I might - ”

When Ashton doesn’t finish talking, just gets rougher, Calum chokes out a little moan and bites at Ashton’s t-shirt where his head is resting. He’s panting, thrusting into Ashton’s fist and making their cocks slide together a little faster. Ashton turns his own head to the side and finds Calum’s mouth, kissing him hard as he feels himself start to cum hard, wet over his fist and Calum’s dick as he works his hand over both of them. 

Calum breaks away from him and looks down, watching Ashton spill over them both, and he gasps, working his hips a little harder before he’s cumming too. Ashton keeps touching him through it despite the sensitivity, kissing him, and eventually slowing down once they’re both finished, just slumped together on the bed, mouths barely moving against each other. 

In all honesty, Ashton’s a little confused on why they haven’t been doing this every day for the past four years. Calum looks like a fucking dream - all flushed with his hair messy and soft, a line of sweat on his forehead. He’s still panting with how hard he came, and Ashton just wants to spend the rest of his life wrapped in this golden haze. 

“Pretty boy,” he mumbles. 

It’s kind of all he can think to say when his mind is complete mush, but Calum grins, hiding his face a little and murmuring, “Sticky boy.” He giggles at his own joke, but it comes out airy with exhaustion and solace. “I’m gonna get a towel.” 

As Calum’s hands plant themselves next to Ashton’s head to push himself up, Ashton grips his biceps and rolls them so he’s hovering over Calum. “You don’t move,” he orders, pecking Calum’s soft lips once. “I’ll be right back.” He finds himself feeling very protective of Calum, and it doesn’t feel new. He wants to take care of him in any way he can, and he’s certain he’d go to hell if Calum lifted a finger right now to clean them up. 

He goes to get the towel instead, coming back and cleaning them both off with cautious hands before tossing the rag on the floor and pulling Calum into his arms under the covers, kissing him on his lips, and then his nose, cheek, neck, anywhere he can to show just how much love he has. “You feel good?” 

“Feel the _best_ ,” Calum grins. He brings Ashton’s hand to his mouth and kisses his fingers. It’s so sweet and soft, and Ashton feels himself fall in love all over again. He nuzzles their noses together and gives him one last peck before both of their eyes start to close. 

He’s never felt as content as he does, both of them drifting to sleep wrapped up in each other like they always should be.

  
  
  


_April 8_

It's no secret that Michaels always been hot, obviously, but this big new tattoo on his arm is making him very difficult to be near. Luke's not sure why he's so affected - the _To The Moon_ tattoo was nice, and the eyebrow bar was _really_ nice, but seeing the thick bold lines on Michael's arm has Luke's heart pounding just a little too hard in his chest as he tries not to get caught staring. He isn't sure he could ever get a tattoo - he's not that great with pain - but on Michael, it looks incredible. 

And apparently it must hurt a lot. Michael keeps poking at the bandage, repeating " _Ow"_ under his breath as he does. It’d be stupid on anyone else, but Luke can’t help to find it so completely endearing - he’s so pathetically in love his judgement is skewed, and it’s not even weird at this point. 

As Michael pulls out his little complimentary bottle of Aquaphor, Luke watches. He keeps trying to apply it, but he always pulls back with a wince before he even makes contact. He looks up with wide, helpless eyes, looking around the room until he settles his gaze on Luke. 

“Luke?”

Pretending he just now noticed Michael, like he hasn’t been watching him for the past year of his life with razor-sharp focus, Luke asks, “What’s up?” 

“Can you help me?” Michael holds up his little bottle, and Luke walks over to the couch, trying not to _coo_ when MIchael pathetically pouts, soft bottom lip stuck out miserably. “I have to put this on, but it hurts, and my brain won’t let me touch it, I need someone else to. I might faint if I do it myself.” 

“Yeah, okay,” Luke agrees, smiling as fights rolling his eyes. Michael’s flair for the dramatic is unwavering. He sits down next to Michael and takes the Aquaphor from him, squeezing out a little and spreading it slowly over the tattoo. 

Michael’s purposefully staring in the distance, and it’s not long until he starts rambling to distract himself. “They used a billion point needle for it. I thought I was going to die.” 

“Well, it looks really cool.” Cool is a fucking understatement. Even under his hand, feeling the raised bits where the ink now sits, Luke’s captivated by it.

“You think?” 

Swallowing the lump in his throat, Luke nods. “Yeah, it’s good,” he says. “You look good.” And when Michael smiles happily past his wince while Luke keeps applying Aquaphor, Luke feels something bubbling up. Being so close to Michael, helping him with something so serious, feeling the stupid butterflies in his stomach… He tells himself not to say it, but he ends up blurting it out anyways. “I miss you.” 

He never did have much self-control. 

His cheeks go red, embarrassed that he couldn’t keep it in, and it only gets worse when he looks up to see Michael frowning at him. He knows it was a dumb thing to say - they’ve been sharing hotel rooms, sharing a stage, sharing every moment they can. They see each other all the time, but it’s not the _same,_ and he misses being as close as they were before so much. Not for the first time, he wants to cry, but he doesn’t think Michael would hold him through it like he used to. 

“I’m right here.” Michael’s voice is soft and low in the empty room. 

“I know,” Luke says, shaking his head. “I’m stupid.”

He wants to look down, but Michael shakes his head and frowns, and Luke can’t look away. “You’re not, Luke. I, um. I know what you mean.” He definitely doesn’t, but Luke appreciates it anyways. He keeps helping Michael with the tattoo, not wanting to say any other ridiculous thing that’ll make Michael uncomfortable. “Luke?” 

“Yeah?” He looks up at Michael and he has a weird expression on his face. 

“I’m wherever you want me to be, always.” He says it with so much conviction that Luke almost believes it. “You know that, right?” Luke blushes. He knows Michael’s just saying that to console him, but it helps a little. Michael winces as he pushes a little too hard in a solid black area, but schools it into something more gentle. “You never have to miss me.”

He’s wrong, and Luke’s heart aches with how much. Yeah, Michael’s right there, but he’s so out of reach it feels like he’s a billion miles away.

“All done,” Luke says, trying to push past the weird, quiet barrier around them. “You want anything to eat? I’m getting chips.” As he stands up, Michael shakes his head. The weird expression that stills sits on his face when Luke walks away

  
  
  


_April 18_

It feels like every time Calum and Ashton have a good thing going, they’re torn apart. Ashton’s away visiting his family, and Calum’s been mopey for a few days. He can’t be blamed, really, he just misses his very hot, very snuggly boyfriend. He misses kisses and snuggles and being poked on the nose when he says something cute. And _sure_ , Luke and Michael snuggle him, but it’s not the same, and he knows he’s been annoying to be around, but he can’t help it. And he shouldn’t have to - he’s allowed to be sad. 

As a way to liven him up, to get him out of his sad funk, Luke’s dragged him to a club tonight. Calum’s been having a bit of fun, he won’t lie. He’s got a steady buzz going, and he was dirty dancing on Luke earlier just for fun, but now that he’s leaning against the bar, taking a break from all the action, he thinks he might still miss Ashton. 

“Cal!” Luke throws himself onto the barstool next to Calum, almost tumbling off when his giant body doesn’t stop with the momentum. 

“Luke!” 

When he’s settled on the chair, swaying a bit but maintaining _some_ semblance of balance, he grins up at Calum. “How much alcohol is in a tequila shot?” He’s slurring his words a little, and the question doesn’t reach Calum’s brain until a few seconds after he asks it. 

He thinks for a moment, very seriously, and then raises his hand up with his thumb and forefinger spread a little apart. That’s about the size of alcohol in a shot, he thinks. “This much of it.” He hiccups. “Is in there.” 

Luke looks at him, nodding seriously. “That’s very much.” Turning to face him, Calum raises his hand a little higher so Luke’s head is visible between his fingers, and he presses them together, imagining squishing Luke’s head. Luke looks offended. “Did you just _kill_ me?”

Calum laughs and nods, sipping his drink, and Luke _hmphs._ He slides messily off the stool and leaves Calum at the bar, going off to dance again. The moment he’s gone, Calum’s pleased grin is replaced by a pout. He can’t be alone for two seconds without missing Ashton, and it should be pathetic, but Calum, in his drunken mind, thinks it’s very cute of them. 

Earlier in the night, Ashton had texted him. Calum takes his phone out of his pocket and pulls it up, staring longingly at the screen and wishing he wasn’t so alone. 

**_7:58 - Ash 🍠👑🍗👒:_ ** _Have fun tonight baby! Miss you lots!_

Calum makes a little kissy face at the text. He wishes Ashton was here with him because they always have fun dancing together, and he wouldn’t mind getting his hand around his boyfriend’s dick again. It’s been so nice the past few weeks. He wonders if Ashton’s still awake.

Needing to suddenly speak with him right away, Calum walks to the bathroom and finds an empty stall. He puts the toilet seat down and concentrates very hard on his phone, clicking on Ashton’s name, and hitting the facetime button next to it. It calls Ashton for a minute before his smiling face comes into view. He’s walking somewhere and shutting a door, Calum can hear fading voices in the background. 

“Hey, Cal,” Ashton says, his voice echoing in the hollow stall. 

Calum frowns, staring at the plain wall behind Ashton on the screen. “Did I separate you from your pack?” He thinks Ashton would make a very good lion - a _very_ very good one. Ashton laughs and shakes his head. 

“We were just playing scrabble,” he explains. He throws himself onto a chair with a sigh and then squints at the screen. “Where are you?” 

“Clubby bathroom. I missed you.” 

“I miss you too, pup,” Ashton returns. 

There’s something about that nickname that always hits Calum so hard. He sighs, leaning his head to the side and almost tipping off the toilet. “A puppy and a lion.” 

“Huh?” 

“Us,” he says, knowing that Ashton will understand and agree with him. “Are you winning Scrabble?” The letters get stuck in his head, his old lisp shining through on the last word, making him pronounce it ‘thcrapple.’ 

“Not by a long shot,” Ashton laughs. Calum thinks that’s pretty wild that he’s _not_ , Ashton knows a lot of big words. He’s a genius. 

“Where’s Luke, baby?” 

At the pet name, Calum tries not to moan. Ashton only every really calls him that when their hands are on each other’s dicks. He stares at the dirty door to bring his mind back to a safer place. “I squeezed his head to death, and he left me.” 

“He left you at the club?” Ashton asks, his voice rushed and worried. Calum can’t help but smile - Ashton’s always so protective over him, even when he doesn’t need to be. 

“No, he’s out there. Doin’ the sprinkler.” He leans close to the phone and whispers, “Ashton, he is very bad at it.” 

Ashton smiles at him, eyes going soft, and Calum melts. “Sweetheart, I think you should go find him again, maybe head home soon.” 

“Will you head home soon?” he asks. “To me?” 

“Promise.” Ashton holds his pinky in the air, and Calum thinks he’s falling in love again. It’s like he falls in love everyday. 

“Go find Luke, okay? Text me when you’re back at the hotel. I love you.” Calum blows a kiss at the phone and Ashton catches it and eats it. Calum giggles as he hits end and stumbles out of the bathroom to find Luke. 

He thinks he might be the luckiest guy in the world. 

  
  
  


_May 3_

“Last question,” their tour manager says, and Luke fights not to sigh in relief. They’re in Portugal, getting ready for their first show tomorrow night, and they’ve been bored to tears the entire time. Or, at least, Luke has. He stopped paying attention seventeen points ago, but with the promise of the end in sight, he perks up from where he’s been leaning against Michael’s shoulder. “We haven’t reviewed it yet, but how do you boys feel about pyrotechnics? We were thinking it might enhance the shows quite a bit, if you’re on board.” 

At the word _pyrotechnics_ , Luke’s eyes widen and he’s sharing excited glances with the others. It’s a stupid question, he thinks to himself. If you ask a room of three teenage boys and an Ashton if they want something as _sick_ as pyro at their show, the answer isn’t going to be no. 

_“Fire?”_ Ashton asks with a grin. 

“Very on board,” Michael agrees, his head bopping enthusiastically. “Let’s do it.” 

The tour manager claps his hands together once. He’s smiling, but Luke thinks he’s just glad to be done talking. “Alright guys, that’s it for tonight.” He turns around and walks out of the room. 

As soon as the door closes behind him, Calum starts jumping up and down. “This tour is gonna kill!” he turns to Ashton, yelling his next words in his face. “We were so good at rehearsal, and now we’re gonna have _fire!_ ” He turns points to Luke with a smirk. “You need to stop ignoring me onstage though, Lukey. I know Michael’s beautiful but there are other people in the world to stare at.” 

It’s like the entire world falls out of the bottom of Luke’s stomach. His eyes go wide, immediately zoning in on Michael, thanking God that he’s distracted, eagerly typing away on his phone. Luke then grabs Ashton’s arm and pulls him off to a corner and away from Calum. “Did you tell him?” 

“What?” 

“Did you tell Calum about me and Michael?” he asks more specifically, blue eyes boring into Ashton’s hazel, needing him to be honest, needing him to say _no_. 

“No, Luke.” Only, Luke doesn’t _quite_ believe him, looking at him suspiciously. “Hey, I promise I didn’t. Not my fault you’re obvious onstage.” Luke’s shoulders slump. “That doesn’t mean I don’t think _you_ should tell him, though.” 

Involuntarily, Luke’s face pinches up at the idea. Calum’s one of Luke’s favorite people on Earth, but he’s also known Michael for more than half of his life, and if he ever said anything, if he ever told Michael that Luke’s still in love with him - things could get weird between them again. “I don’t know…” 

“Luke, you know he’s trustworthy. He’d never…” Ashton trails off and Luke can’t help but think he knows what Ashton was about to say, can hear the untold _‘he’d never do what you did._ ’

“I know.” Luke sighs, shaking his head at himself. “I’ll talk to him soon. I will.” 

  
  
  


_May 14_

Michael isn’t going to say it out loud - he’s not _heartless_ \- but band pranks go a _lot_ better when he’s involved. The last prank war they had with a band was when they were on tour with One Direction, and it ended with Ashton’s sock getting slightly wet, and Calum yelling for him to ‘take it off.’ And it’s not that the idea of their prank was bad, not at all. It’s just that Calum and Luke are a disaster team together. When Michael and Ashton get involved there’s just a bit more maturity, more _finesse_. 

Even now, as they’re wrapping everything in Hey Violet’s dressing room in tin foil, which was Luke’s brilliant idea, things just go _better_. Three of them are doing a really good job, meticulously wrapping every single item. Calum, on the other hand, is working on his own little art project, sculpting something out of tinfoil with a glint in his eye. 

Regardless, it’s a fun prank they’re all in on together, not targeted at each other, and it’s a great way to cap off them finishing recording their first single for their sophomore album. 

“Is this mean?” Luke asks suddenly, and Michael rolls his eyes. Of course Luke would come up with the idea and then backtrack halfway through out of fear for it being too mean. 

“No, it’s not mean,” Michael instists. “It’s funny.” Luke still looks a little worried but keeps tin foiling the lamp. Michael sighs, stopping his own work to face his sensitive bandmate. “It’s just Hey Violet, Luke. Remember last week when Nia filled your socks with Jell-O?” 

At the memory, Luke frowns. He adjusts his feet awkwardly as he does. “Yeah, she did.” He starts to foil the lamp with more determination now, and Michael sighs, shaking his head fondly. Luke’s so precious.

“Done!” Everyone sends their attention to where Calum’s proudly holding up a hat poorly-fashioned out of the tin foil. There are weird spikes on it and the round base is misshapen, and he places it on Ashton’s head carefully. “A hat for you.” 

Ashton looks dumb as hell, but he beams up at Calum and starts doing a little dance, making robot noises. Calum looks incredibly pleased, laughing at Ashton with reddened cheeks. Ashton wraps his arms around Calum from behind and they start tin foiling Hey Violet’s makeup mirror together as one entity like in the movie _Ghost_ , Ashton guiding a giggling Calum’s hand, occasionally kissing the back of Calum’s neck.

Like usual these days, Michael once again starts to feel jealous of them. He wants to kiss Luke’s neck, wants to show him how to do this and tickle his sides without it being _weird_ , without both of them knowing that things are very much one-sided between them. He looks over at where Luke’s now tin foiling a magazine, concentrating incredibly hard.

With a forlorn sigh, he goes back to his own work, wondering when love became so painful. 

  
  
  


_May 30_

“You guys are so ridiculous _._ ” 

Michael can’t help but to agree with Luke. They all came out tonight as a group, and Michael thought it meant they’d be getting a little drunk, having a good time, and being four best friends like they _used_ to be. Instead, it’s been Michael and Luke sitting next to each other in the booth, and Calum sitting in Ashton’s lap, facetiming each other like they’re not both right there. Michael is clinging to Luke a little more than he does when he’s sober, he knows he is, but he can’t help it. His guard is down a little, and Luke doesn’t seem to mind at all - he’s giving it back a little bit and Michael’s happy.

At least, he would be if Calum and Ashton would interact with them a bit more. It’s been four months of them dating, and they only seem to drift further and further into the honeymoon phase as time goes on. It would be cute if Michael and Luke didn’t always get shoved to the sideline, like they’re not even there. 

“Luke!” Calum shouts, voice just a little too loud in the club. “When did you get here? Here, say hi to Ashton!” He shows Luke his phone screen where Ashton’s giggling face is in view, and Luke rolls his eyes. Ashton waves at his own phone, and they see it through Calum’s screen. 

“Hi, Luke!”

Instead of playing their game, Luke looks at Ashton in real life. “Hello.” 

“Put those away,” Michael says, flapping his hand at their phones. “I can’t handle two Ashtons.” 

“ _Mmm_ ,” Calum moans, a dream, faraway look on his face as they put their phones away. “ _Two_ Ashtons.” 

If Michael would’ve known that making friends with Calum would’ve meant watching him lust after his own boyfriend in public, Michael likes to think that he never would have listened to _Dear Maria, Count Me In_ in class. He would’ve played country music to scare the overeager boy away. Then again, if he hadn’t made friends with Calum, he wouldn’t be sitting next to Luke, hopelessly in love with the best person in the world. And even if it isn’t mutual, Michael wouldn’t change it for the world. 

When Michael zones back into the conversation, drunken mind having trailed off a bit, it’s to Luke chastising the couple. “You guys Facetime too much.” 

“Nuh uh,” Calum fights, shaking his head, 

“Yeah _huh_.” None of them are drunk enough to sound this childish, but then again, Michael spent most of this morning in tears over a dick joke Ashton made. “What would your relationship be without the internet?” 

Ashton hums, hands going tighter around Calum’s waist. “Thankfully we'll never know. Good old cyberspace.” 

“The information superhighway,” Calum agrees. 

“The wonderful world wide web.” The grin on Ashton’s face on Calum joining his wordplay is absolutely sickening. 

“Dazzling DSL.” 

And Michael can’t help but snort at the casual way Calum says it, like he doesn’t realize what it means, especially with how he looks. Calum looks at him confused, and Michael teases, “ _You_ have DSL’s.” 

“Huh?”

“ _Dick sucking lips,_ Cal,” Michael clarifies, laughing when Calum goes a red. Luke huffs a little, but Ashton just looks smug behind Calum, and Michael tries not to think about their sex life, especially not when doesn’t have one of his own.

It’s not like Michael’s lying. Calum’s always had these soft pillowy lips, always pouting out just the slightest bit. If Luke hadn’t walked in on them hooking up two years ago, if their arrangement didn’t end as soon as it did, Michael thinks he’d have gotten to feel them for himself probably. 

Throughout his short daydream about his best friend’s lips, Luke’s stood up. “Be right back,” he excuses himself, shaking his head. Michael watches, frowning, as Luke goes to a quieter corner of the club, getting his phone out and making a call.

*****

Luke’s mom picks up her phone on the fifth ring. He’s really bad with time zones, especially when he’s had a few drinks, but he thinks it might be the afternoon over there. Or, at least, he hopes it is. He doesn’t want to wake her up and start out with her in a bad mood. 

“Hi, sweetheart!” She sounds happy, chipper, as she answers, and Luke breathes a sigh of relief that he didn’t get the time difference backwards. 

“Hi…” 

“Where are you?” she asks, voice raising a bit. “It sounds loud.” 

That’s when he realizes he drunk-dialed him mom at a club while he’s halfway across the country. He’s _pathetic_. “‘m at a club.” 

“Are you having fun?”

“Yeah…” He knows he’s not saying much, and he’s a little drunk, but being with Michael tonight, the jealousy he felt at Michael’s comment towards Calum about his lips - he needs to talk to his mom. 

Every time he goes to open his mouth, to say what he wants to, his throat seizes up, stopping him. It’s not that he doesn’t want to share with his mom, because he _really_ does. It’s just that he’s afraid to. If he tells _her_ , it makes everything real. It’s no longer something within the band, something that he’s questioning. It’ll be real, it’ll be true, and Luke doesn’t know if he wants the reality of being in love with his best friend to hit him right now, in the middle of this club when he’s three drinks in. 

Then again, maybe it hit a long, long time ago, and he’s just putting off saying something so he can pretend it didn’t. 

“Honey,” his mom sighs, and Luke realizes he has to tell her. “Why did you call? Is every - ”

“I like a boy, mom,” he cuts her off. “I like boys. But I _really_ like one of them.” 

“ _Oh_.” 

And she doesn’t sound disappointed, just surprised, but Luke feels his chest cinch. “Sorry, I’m sorry I called, I just - ”

“No, sweetheart,” she cuts him off, and her voice is familiar and caring, and it makes him feel like crying. “I’m so happy you did. I’m proud of you, okay? So proud of you. I wish I was there to give you a big hug.” He should have known she’d react like this, but he had been so scared of telling her. He looks over at the table. Calum and Ashton are still wrapped up in each other, and Michael is talking to them, alone on his side of the booth. He should never be alone… 

“It’s Michael, mom,” he admits, pushing the words out like they’re the air he breathes. “I like Michael.” 

Liz makes a noise over the phone, and Luke waits for her to respond, not letting his anxiety push him to conclusion. “You know, that doesn’t surprise me at all. He’s very sweet to you, Lukey. Have you talked to him about it?” 

“I _can’t_.” He doesn’t want to tell her everything that happened, he’s not ready to yet, but a huge weight has been lifted now that she at least knows something. 

“Sweetheart, I’m going to call you back later, okay?” Her voice is still raised a bit, and Luke had completely forgotten he was in a club. “I can barely hear you. But I love you, and I’m so proud of you.” 

“Love you too.” 

*****

When Luke finally walks back over to the table, Calum visibly reacts, squirming a little in Ashton’s lap only the be stopped by Ashton’s insistent grip around his waist. He wants to _leave,_ but it would be rude to leave Michael all alone at the table, so he’s been counting down the seconds until Luke gets back so they can just get the fuck out of here. 

The moment Luke’s butt hits the plush bench of the booth, Calum’s leaning back to whisper in Ashton’s ear. “Can we go back to the hotel now?” 

It’s not his fault he’s so riled up this time. Ashton’s been touching him all over for the last half hour, rubbing his hands down Calum’s sides and touching his ass occasionally, and Calum’s getting frustrated, worked up just over a pair of large hands on his body. They’re both kind of buzzed, but not enough for it to make a huge difference, and Calum wants to _go_. There’s something nagging at the back of his mind, and he needs to get Ashton alone to bring it up. 

Clearing his throat to gain the attention of the table. Ashton says, “I think we’re tired, now,” and Claum has to hide his face in Ashton’s shoulder to not burst out laughing. “Me and Calum. We’re gonna head back to the hotel.” 

“Yeah,” Michael snorts, seeing right through the lie. “Have fun sleeping.” He gives them the peace sign and turns to Luke, starting a conversation. 

Calum and Ashton scoot out of the booth, and Ashton takes his hand while they make their way through the crowd, holding himself around Calum’s body like an anchor so he doesn’t get jostled. It makes Calum feel protected and mushy and _horny_ as all hell. He pulls Ashton into the back of their Uber once it arrives, kissing him messily, letting their mouths distract them from the wait time - Calum just wants to get him alone. Until then, he lets their hands - and his mind - wander. 

They don’t separate when they make it to their room at the hotel, falling onto the bed together, Ashton kissing him hungrily, pulling at his clothes. Before they go any further, Calum pushes at Ashton’s shoulders so he’s lying on his back on the bed, looking at Calum with a slightly confused but very turned on expression. Calum bites his thumbnail, mind racing back to the club they were at. “Do you think he was right?” 

“What?” Ashton looks completely dazed and reaches out to run his hand down Calum’s side, like he’s missing his touch after one second. 

“Michael,” Calum clarifies, breath hitching when he thinks about it. “Do you think he was right about what he said in the club? About me?” 

*****

If Calum’s talking about what Ashton thinks he’s talking about, he might fucking combust. 

Ever since Michael opened his big mouth back at the club, Ashton’s mind has been set on the visual. If he’s being _completely_ honest, he’s been thinking about it for like a _year,_ but after the comment, it’s really been at the forefront of his mind, and the answer is easy. Yeah, of _course_ Michael was right. Calum lips are perfect, and the amount of times Ashton’s gotten off thinking about them wrapped around his dick is probably too many to count at this point. 

“A-about, you mean…” Ashton trails off, throat dry and tongue heavy. Calum points at his mouth, and Ashton might as well ahave fucking died. Calum looks shy but there’s a glint in his eye, like he means… “Cal, baby, what are you, what do you…” 

He fades out again as Calum starts unbuttoning his pants, and Ashton thinks his brain might be melting. There’s no way he’s ready for this, he’s gonna cum so fucking fast. Calum pulls hard at his jeans and boxers in one go and Ashton’s dick is so hard he’s almost embarrassed, nearly pulsing just at the thought of what hypothetically might be about to happen, but Calum’s looking at it with pure lust, and it makes Ashton squirm a little on the bed. 

“Calum, I don’t - ” Ashton’s cut off as Calum leans forward then and takes it in his hand, licking tentatively at the head, like he’s testing the waters. “Oh, fuck, _fuck!”_

Reflexively, he brings a hand down to Calum’s hair and runs through it encouragingly. Calum looks up at him, his eyes so wide and trusting and _pretty,_ and Ashton is feeling too much right now. The little wet touches have his stomach flexing, wound tight already just at the pleasure. Calum keeps eye contact while he goes further down, taking the whole head in his mouth and sucking lightly. His eyes fall shut, and he moans a little bit, and it makes Ashton’s dick twitch in his mouth. He’s enjoying this, he _likes_ it, and that makes Ashton even more gone for it, too

“You’re so good, pup,” he says. The praises fall out of his mouth easily, unable to stop with just how much he feels. He’s always got about twelve good things to say about Calum at the tip of his tongue, but there’s no barrier to stop them this time. “Doing so good, fuck, god, you’re gonna make me cum so hard.” 

Either the words or the act itself hit Calum just right, and he whines around Ashton’s dick, going down a little further, sucking a little harder, and Ashton can see his hips grinding against the bed. He slips his hand down to play with Ashton’s balls while he sucks, and Ashton - not for the first time - is not going to last long at _all_. 

“Thought about this, so much, your fucking mouth - ” he moans when Calum makes a little choking noise from going a little too far down. “ _Fuck,_ yeah, baby, my _baby,_ you’re so good, so so good.” He’s babbling at this point, can’t stop himself, but it’s helping Calum along, and he can tell by the way he’s fucking his hips faster against the bed and sucking a little harder every time Ashton praises him. “I’m gonna, _fuck,_ I’m gonna cum, baby, gonna fuckin’ - ” 

Calum makes a little noise and pulls back, but he doesn’t quite pull off, just jacks Ashton off with the head in his mouth until the pressure builds too high and he’s cumming so fucking hard he thinks he might black out from it. He barely registers Calum swallowing a bit in the beginning and then pulling off, the rest landing on his lips and chin. He opens his eyes after a few moments and sees Calum between his legs, his dick in his own hand, cum on his lips still as he touches himself quickly, finishing all over his fist after only about a minute, moaning loudly. 

If he had any power left in him, his dick would be making another attempt to get hard. Instead he just lies back, staring at his boyfriend in awe as his brain tries to reform itself out of the absolute mush it’s turned into. That was, by far, the hottest thing to ever happen to him, and if Calum doesn’t get the cum off of his face, Ashton might just have to return the favor right now. 

Calum falls forward onto him and they both lie there panting for a few minutes, neither of them able to form words. It’s a little bit until Calum speaks. “I was good?” and Ashton huffs out a laugh. 

“ _Too_ good,” he sighs. Calum makes a pleased noise and snuggles in further. “Uh uh. We gotta shower.” 

Calum whines, but Ashton pulls him up and towards the bathroom, where he makes sure the water is the perfect temperature before they both climb into the shower. Calum’s putty in his arms, letting Ashton wash his hair and the rest of his body easily, whispering loving words into Calum’s skin and making him giggle. 

When they finally make it to bed, Ashton’s legs are jelly and his heart is full. 

“Hey,” he says softly, and Calum hums. “I’m giving you a writing credit. On Vapor.” Calum looks at him with a confused expression and Ashton shrugs. “It wouldn’t exist without you.” 

Calum grins and shakes his head,“Cheeseball.”

Ashton just kisses him and settles into bed further, smiling dopily at the ceiling. 

  
  
  


_June 11_

Going to award shows has always been awesome, one of Calum’s favorite parts of being famous, but partying backstage with Jack Barakat like it’s nothing? That’s got to be the crowning jewel. 

They’ve been working on their second album like crazy lately, and they’ve been so swept up in finishing the songs they’ve created and trying to choose singles. Coming up with video concepts and album art and closing off loose ends - it gets exhausting working so hard, and Calum ends up forgetting about the really cool kickbacks of being semi-famous. 

They’re at the Kerrang Awards, and the boys from All Time Low invited them backstage to have a mini-party with them in the green room, and it’s everything Calum could’ve asked for growing up. Luke, it seems, doesn’t share the same sentiment. When he sighs for the third time in a row, Calum has to pull him aside, needing to know why he’s being such a downer when they’re with their heroes right now. 

“Okay, what’s wrong with you?” he asks as they make their way out the door and into the hallway. 

“Do you think Michael and Jack are gonna fall in love?” 

The question comes out of nowhere, and it stuns Calum silent, leaving him confused. He peeks back into the room to see Michael laughing at something Jack’s saying, a solid six feet between them. Ashton’s in the same crowd, and so is Jack’s girlfriend. 

He looks back to Luke with a quirked brow. “Um. No?” Luke sighs again, and Calum can feel himself getting a little annoyed on Michael’s behalf. “Why do you care, though?” he asks before he can stop himself. “You turned him down.” 

It’s not even just that Luke turned him down - he broke Michael’s heart. Calum thinks about the day Michael came crying to him, broken over Luke. They weren’t even really talking at that point, and Michael was such a wreck that Calum felt himself opening up, knowing it was something bad, something that burned. He’s never talked to Luke about it, but Michael was inconsolable that day. 

“I didn’t…” Luke has a weird expression on his face that Calum can’t decipher. “I mean, I guess I did. But it wasn’t like that.” 

“What do you mean?” He’s never heard Luke’s side before, and there’s a part of him that’s itching to, to find out what exactly went down. 

“He wanted to, like…” Luke’s face is slowly turning red, but not in the same cute way it does when Michael teases him. He looks uncomfortable and sad. “He just wanted,” he pauses to sigh. “Look, he didn’t like me the way I liked him, and I didn’t want to get too invested, okay?” 

Suddenly, Calum can see everything flashing in front of him, can see the crossed wires slowly unfurl, and if Luke’s saying what Calum thinks he is, then maybe there’s hope for everyone yet. “He didn’t _what_?”

“I just didn’t want to get hurt,” Luke mumbles, and all Calum can do is grin. Holy _shit_. “He means so much to me, and things have been so weird since then, I feel like he knows how I felt and I creeped him out or something, I wish I could just - ”

“Luke, shut up!” He snaps, laughing afterwards, even when Luke looks at him, shocked. “You have to tell him.” 

If Luke was red before, it’s nothing compared to the panic-ridden crimson of his cheeks now. “What? No, I can’t.” 

“No, you have to tell him.” Calum takes Luke’s hands in his and looks into his eyes. “I’m telling you right now, it will not go badly if you do. I think some signals got crossed here, but you don’t have this right. Tell him.” 

The message must not sink all the way in because Luke looks more hesitant than he was to tell Calum about Michael in the first place, but when he asks, “Are you sure?” Calum thinks Luke might just do it anyway. 

“Positive.” 

  
  
  


_June 13_

It’s been two days, and Luke hasn’t had a chance to talk to Michael, but he’s going to… Once he finally gets the nerve, that is. 

He’s not doing it because Calum told him to, though. He’s only saying something because keeping it all inside, pining after Michael while they pretend everything is the way it used to be - it _hurts_ , truthfully. If they clear things up, put things out in the open, then maybe they actually _can_ go back to the way things were. If it didn’t feel like Luke was hiding his every emotion, he thinks they could be themselves again. 

Only, Luke’s original plan was to wait a few days, weeks, maybe even _months_ , so he could work up the nerve to finally break his own heart all over again, but he thinks that might just change tonight. 

They’re playing at Wembley Arena now, and just like always, Luke finds himself gravitating towards Michael, watching his every move, but tonight… tonight it’s _more_ . They’re singing _Wrapped Around Your Finger_ , which is always a crowd favorite, but tonight the fans are yelling the words back louder than usual, screaming through every beat. 

More than that, though, Michael’s looking over at him throughout the whole song, and Luke thinks maybe - just maybe - this means something to him too. When they make eye contact as the repetitive chorus comes up, it feels like Michael’s trying to say something, like the words he’s singing are for Luke to hear. 

It’s completely possible he’s just reading into everything, but he doesn’t care. He makes up his mind, then and there, as Michael sings the chorus, that he’s going to talk to him tonight. He’s finally going to get everything off his chest and tell him how he feels, and if he gets turned down - at least he tried, at least he knows for sure.

He’s nervous about it but he’s full of adrenaline, and the show just gets that much better afterwards. He’s bouncing around the stage, ready to take on the fucking world, as they start to play _She Looks So Perfect_ . The amps are turned up, the pyrotechnics are in full swing, and everything looks _awesome_. The crowd is screaming, and they’re sounding really good and then - 

Michael’s guitar stops playing. Luke can hear it instantly, the way it’s only him playing with Calum and Ashton. Calum stops, Ashton stops, and the crowd starts screaming differently. Luke looks over to see Calum running after Michael, who’s already offstage, and he feels sick, following them. With unguided feet, stumbling as the noise around him blurs until the blood pumping through his body sends it to the background. 

There’s a crowd of EMTs surrounding the corner of the room, and Luke can tell right away Michael’s back there by the sickening noises he’s making from the pain. He takes a step to join them, but he’s stopped by Calum’s panicked, “He’s dying! He’s dying, oh god, is he okay, no, fuck, he’s dying.” Every word is in between a wheeze, his tan face ashen, hands pulling at his hair. Luke watches Ashton take him aside and sits him down before he runs back out to the stage. Through the speakers, he hears Ashton talking into the mic for a moment, saying Michael got _hurt,_ and Luke feels sicker than he ever has, just watching all the people around Michael and not knowing what’s happening. 

“I need to see him,” he says suddenly. An EMT looks over at him and he continues, “Please, can I see him?” They shoo him away, still inspecting Michael, and Luke feels like he might cry. He goes to the bench to sit next to Calum, who’s still freaking out, Ashton trying to comfort him. 

For some reason, Luke’s never felt so isolated from himself. 

“He’s dying, Ashton,” Calum chokes out. He’s shaking his head, unable to stop moving from the looks of it. “He’s gonna _die!_ ” 

A few of the EMTs look over at Calum’s hysteria, one of them glaring at Ashton, who rushes to console his boyfriend. “He’s not dying, Cal, he’ll be fine, they just need to check him out.” He’s rubbing Calum’s back soothingly, and Luke watches the wall of doctors until they disappear to discuss something in the corner.

As soon as they do, leaving Michael all alone on the bench in the corner of the room, Luke bolts up, sniffling as he makes his way over - he didn’t realize he was crying until just now. Michael’s holding a cold pack to the side of his face, crying out softly in pain. 

“Mikey?” 

Michael looks over at him and winces when he moves his head. “Will you tell Calum I’m not dead, please?”

The annoyance in his voice, mixed with being able to physically see him, has Luke relaxing a bit. His heart is pounding in his chest, and he feels like he’s going to fall over any moment, but the anxiety in his veins thins out. “No.” 

“No?” 

“No,” he repeats, sitting down next to Michael on the bench. “I’m staying here. I’m staying with you.” He takes Michael’s hand and laces their fingers together, ignoring the sharp intake of air from Michael. “I need to tell you something right now, in case you do die.” 

“I’m not - 

“I know,” Luke cuts off his soft-spoken voice, head shaking with it. “I know you’re not, but I was gonna tell you tonight anyways, and then you got hurt, and I thought, what if I never got to? What if I just waited too long and something _happened_ to you and I never told you, I never told you I _loved_ you cause I was too scared?” 

It all sounds accidental, the way the words fell from his lips, but it wasn’t. Luke said it all at once, blurting it out before he could stop himself, because he knows that if he didn’t, if he had taken his time to spell it out, he would’ve broken down halfway through. This way, with it all being out in the open at once, if Michael doesn’t feel the same, if he wants to stay friends, then Luke doesn’t have to watch him take it all in. It can be over with fast, efficiently… painlessly. 

Michael doesn’t speak for a second, but it doesn’t look like he missed the mords. His lips are parted and his beautiful green eyes are wide behind the white half-mask covering his burn, as he stares at Luke. “You loved me?” 

“I _do_ love you,” Luke corrects. He doesn’t want any misunderstanding tonight. Michael needs to know how much he means. “I love you. And I know you probably don’t feel that way about me, but I had to tell you, I’ve been holding it in for so long.” 

_“You’ve_ been holding it in for so long?” Michael asks, his voice blank. Luke nods, confused, and Michael laughs, wincing when it moves his face too much. “Fuck, ow.” He looks over at Luke, his eyes wide and he’s still crying a little from the pain. “Is this a prank or something?” 

“What? No, of course not,” Luke insists. Michael should know by now that Luke has _great_ prank ideas. He’d never put his heart on the line like this for a joke. “Why would you think that?” 

“Luke, you absolute fucking - ” Michael cuts himself off to make a crazed noise that has Luke leaning back a bit. “I’ve been in love with you since the day we met.” 

And… 

That’s a lot to process, in all honesty. The first time they met, Michael walked past his desk and hip-checked it. He sent Luke’s notebooks crashing to the ground. “You… you hated - ”

“God, no I didn’t. I was stupid kid with a crush who didn’t know how to handle it. I’ve never known how to handle it, I haven’t - ” He winces again and Luke’s heart aches for him. “I haven’t done the best job, through the years, but I’ve never stopped loving you the whole time, not once.” The tears from the panic of Michael’s injury have long since disappeared, but now he’s crying for an entirely different reason. “Everything I do is for you, I started this band for _you,_ I moved to London for you… I wrote _Wrapped_ for you, Luke.” 

“I thought,” Luke starts, short of breath, but feeling like he’s on a cloud. Calum might’ve been right, they might’ve lost an entire year together because of Luke’s stupidity. “When you kissed me, I thought you just wanted me for…” 

When Michael laughs, it’s wet like he’s crying himself. “I told you, it was never like that with you. I wanted to kiss you every day for the rest of my life after that. You broke my heart when you turned me down.” And Luke feels so so _so_ stupid. He lost his first chance because he didn’t make the right moves, and now that he has a second chance, he’s going to take it. He leans in to kiss Michael, but is stopped by a gentle hand to his face. “I love you, and I want to kiss you, but I’ve literally never been in this much pain in my life.”

“Sorry, fuck,” Luke apologizes. “Do you want me to get one of the…” 

He points at the EMTs and Michael nods. Luke runs off to get someone, his thoughts racing faster than his feet. He feels worried, and on top of the world, and scared, and so happy, and he doesn’t know what to do with himself, so he just goes back and sits next to Calum, shaking out of his skin. 

“He’s not gonna die.” 

  
  
  


_June 20_

Every day for the past week has been a _dream_. Michael’s been in the clouds the entire time, floating when he should be walking, singing when he should be talking, kissing when he should be resting his face.

Or, really, giving Luke soft little pecks to the tip of his nose, not letting his own face touch anything for fear of intense pain. But even with the burns healing on his sensitive skin, Michael’s never been as happy as he is now. 

And today… Today it gets _so_ much better. When Michael was brushing his teeth this morning, he’d touched his face by accident, and for the first time in a week, there was _no fucking pain_. While they’re playing in Sydney, Luke stayed with his family instead of at the hotel with Michael and Ashton, so when Michael sees him in the greenroom, he runs to him excitedly. 

“Lukey!” He yells. Luke laughs as Michael hugs him from behind and then turns him around, talking to him in a serious voice. “Touch my face.”

“What?”

“Poke me,” Michael orders. “Really hard. Slap me.” He flinches when Luke’s eyes widen, afraid that he’s actually about to get hit. “Well, no, don’t slap me.” 

Luke doesn’t make a move to him, only stares, a delighted shock on his face as he takes in Michael’s mania. “ _What?”_

With a huff, Michael takes Luke’s hand, poking his own cheek with Luke’s finger. “Look! I feel nothing! Just poke, no pain!” He watches as the smile on Luke’s face moves from confusion to understanding. 

“You mean - ”

“If you don’t kiss me in the next five seconds, I’m gonna scream.”

So Luke does. He leans in and kisses Michael - finally a _real_ kiss and not a peck, and Michael sighs into it happily. It’s better than anything ever, better than the first time they kissed, even, because he knows for _sure_ that they both want the same thing. He knows Luke loves him back, and _God_ is that so hot. 

He moans a little bit and presses Luke back so he’s against the wall, putting himself between Luke’s legs, kissing him deeper, and Luke wraps his arms around Michael’s waist, slipping his tongue into Michael’s mouth. He doesn’t mean for it to get so heated so fast, but he can’t help it when Luke’s going at the exact same pace as him, and he doesn’t want to stop it when it feels so fucking good to finally get everything he’s ever wanted. 

They’re panting between kisses, frantic, and Michael is ready to just get naked then and there and turn the greenroom white when they’re broken apart by a loud, “ _WHAT_ ?” Michael springs back at Calum’s yell and looks over to see him and Ashton at the doorway, both wide-eyed and… _oops._

He and Luke had decided to keep things quiet, to not tell anyone that they were in love and together, but with his invasive bandmates, it doesn’t look like that’s happening. Michael’s not angry, just a little upset that they didn’t get to break the news in their own way. And on the other side of things, he just hopes _they’re_ not mad at Michael and Luke for keeping this a secret.

It’s hard to tell just yet when the both can only stand there open-mouthed in shock. Michael looks at Luke, who still looks dazed from the kissing, plastered against the wall, biting his lip ring nervously - which, to be honest, isn’t helping Michael try to act cool. 

“Uh… sorry?” Ashton apologizes, but as he says it, he starts ginning. 

Calum still looks stunned, until slowly, he starts to smile too. “Oh my god. Double dates.” He turns to Ashton. “Babe, _double dates,_ we can all - ”

He keeps talking and Michael gives Ashton a pleading look, trying to communicate with his eyes that he doesn’t want whatever Calum’s about to start selling. Ashton seems to pick up on it and starts to scoot Calum out of the room. “Not the time, Cal, lets go get snacks.” Michael can hear Calum yelling excitedly as they make their way back down the hall and he grins, facing Luke again. 

Luke laughs back. “That went well.” 

Instead of saying anything else, Michael just leans back in to kiss Luke. Because - finally - he can. 

  
  
  


_July 17_

“Can you churn peanut butter in a butter churner?” Calum asks as he watches Ashton change into his pajamas. 

They’re in Vegas, which always sounds so much cooler than it is. Even as kinda-famous people, being 19 years old doesn’t mean much in terms of fun. Legally they could all get married to each other here - Ashton figured that one out last year - but it would require a lot of secrecy and Calum just doesn’t have the energy for it this late, and he _definitely_ doesn’t have the focus for it when such pressing questions are plaguing his mind. 

Ashton looks up from where he’s pulling up his sweatpants, face very serious as he tips it each way, thinking on it. When he finally gets his bottoms on, climbing onto the bed and laying his head on the pillow next to Calum’s he finally answers the question. 

“I think… maybe not.” His bottom lip is in between his teeth as he considers his words. Calum hums quietly as he waits. “‘Cause churning the whole nut makes no sense, they would just rattle around in there. And if the peanut butter’s already butterized, then you’re just churning for churning’s sake, no?” Calum nods solemnly. Ashton’s so smart, he always entertains Calum’s inquiries so seriously - it makes him fall more in love with him everyday. 

Another question pops in his head quickly. “Okay, what if the peanuts are only half - ” He’s cut off by an aggressive pounding at the door, the fists not stopping as they rain down. 

“Open up!” Michael’s voice shouts through the solid wood. 

Ashton frowns at Calum as he pushes himself up so he’s on his hands and knees on the bed, posing to get up and get the door. “No one fucked anyone they weren't supposed to, right?” Calum huffs out a laugh and shrugs. Ashton goes to the door and to see what Michael wants, but he just waltzes in shirtless, quickly, and declares -

“I need to borrow condoms!” 

“ _Borrow_?” Ashton sounds disgusted, and Calum wants to laugh, but he looks too cute to do that. 

“Take,” Michael corrects, not even pausing to make a joke. “I need to take your condoms, do you have any I can use?” Calum’s automatic answer is _no_ , they sure don’t! But Ashton shrugs and goes to his bag, tossing a few over to Michael. Calum feels himself flushing, an uncomfortable curl settling in his stomach as he wonders when Ashton bought those. 

“Thanks, Ash. You’re a real one.” 

He heads for the door again, but Calum feels words begging for release from his throat, and can’t stop himself from questioning Michael’s choice. “Isn’t it a little like… soon? For you and Luke?” 

“No?” Michael turns, a confused lift to his brow. “I love him, he loves me. We’re gonna fuck. Like, now.” He turns and keeps walking.

“Be safe!” Ashton shouts and Michael laughs, shaking the condoms in his hand. 

“Why do you think I got these?”

He disappears through the door, and Ashton settles back in next to Calum like nothing happened. Calum’s mind is reeling a little. Ashton obviously has those for them, for _Calum_ , but they’ve never talked about it before… He feels a little shy, suddenly. Ashton doesn’t seem to notice and just resumes their previous conversation. “Okay, if the peanuts were half what?” 

*****

When Michael finally comes back into their hotel room, Luke’s been naked and hard for what feels like forever. He sighs in relief as Michael rushes back in with condoms in his hand and throws them at Luke haphazardly, tearing off his pants - that he threw back on haphazardly to go visit Ashton’s room - and hopping on the bed with Luke, pulling him into a searing kiss.

They'd only gotten to the hotel a half an hour ago, but as soon as they’d climbed into bed, Michael had started kissing him so enthusiastically that Luke couldn't help but let himself be pulled along. 

One thing had led to another, and then they were naked, grinding against each other and kissing hot and fast. Luke’s breath had hitched when Michael whispered ‘ _fuck me’_ against his mouth and he’d nodded instantly. It feels like it’s all happening too soon as Luke holds the edge of a golden wrapper in his hand, Michael on his lips, but it also feels _right_. He wants everything, all the time with Michael, and this doesn’t feel rushed or like a mistake - it all feels so perfect. 

Now he’s back in bed with him, and they have condoms, and Michael’s hand is behind his own back, getting himself ready to take Luke, and it’s overwhelming in the very best way. He never thought he’d be here, in love and so consumed by it and about to fuck the boy of his dreams.

“ _Mikey_ ,” Luke breathes, in awe of how fucking good he looks. Michael moans loudly, fingering himself to get ready, leaning in every once in a while to kiss Luke when he can’t not anymore. Luke’s so hard, so in over his head, and he watches Michael’s face, drinking in the way it changes when he crooks his fingers differently. “You look so good, touching yourself.” 

He says it because he means it, needing Michael to know that it’s all Luke can think, can feel, is so fucking captivated by everything he does. Michael groans at the compliment, biting his lip and Luke can hear him fingering himself. It’s so hot, and he wants to help, wants to be a part of everything. He’s about to ask when Michael kisses him fast and mutters against his lips, “Want you so bad, I’ve wanted - ” he cuts himself off with a soft moan, “ - thought about it so many times.” 

“Yeah?” Luke asks, curious and not even the least bit guilty as he eggs Michael on.

“You fucking me,” he says, breath hitching halfway through as he slides another finger in, stealing all of Luke’s focus, not letting it drift for even a moment. “You on top of me, under me, don’t care, just,” he moans again, “need you, Luke, always need you.” Luke’s mouth feels dry and he’s never been harder, just watching Michael’s beautiful face contorting as he touches himself. He leans in and kisses Michael again swallowing every gasp and groan. “‘m ready, can you - ” Michael grabs the condoms from Luke’s hand and peels one off, passing it back. 

The reality of the situation sinks in quickly and suddenly Luke’s staring at the condom like a deer in the headlights, overwhelmed by everything about to happen. “I, um. I’ve never…” 

Michael’s eyes go soft suddenly, less frantic as he kisses Luke gently, a little softer than before. He brushes a hand through Luke’s hair and looks at him questioningly. “Do you want me?”

It’s a genuine question, one filled with no self-doubt. He’s not asking if Luke wants _him_ , he’s asking if Luke wants to go this far this fast, and he hears it for what it is. He just wants Luke to be sure, to be certain and comfortable, and Luke’s heart could burst with how much he loves Michael, how loved _he_ feels whenever they’re together, and he nods, kissing Michael back easily.

“Always,” he says, and it doesn’t feel even the slightest bit like a lie. He’s ready for anything, as long as Michael’s right there with him. “I just, I may need a little help.” He’s embarrassed for a moment, but Michael smiles at him, and it’s so sweet and private that all his nerves dissipate until he’s left with only calm (and excitement and a hard fucking dick). 

Content in Luke’s answer, and ready to move on, Michael takes the condom from him and rips it open with his teeth, which is far hotter than it has any right being, and he reaches down to roll it onto Luke. He gasps at the contact, at the sudden pressure where there was just none. Michael kisses him one last time before settling himself on his back and biting his lip at Luke, who shuffles in between his legs. It takes a bit of maneuvering, but he finally positions himself so his dick is at Michael’s entrance and starts pushing in, as slow as he possibly can, just like Michael warned him. He watches Michael’s face the whole time to make sure he’s okay, and Michael winces a bit, but he mostly looks blissed out. His chest is heaving a little as he gasps when Luke’s all the way in.

“Luke, I…” Michael’s voice is but a whine. He looks like he has something to say and then loses his train of thought when Luke shifts a little inside of him, gasping then taking a shuddering breath. Luke looks down at him, worried.

“Is that,” he pauses, body held too tensely as he tries not to go too hard too fast. “Are you okay?” 

Michael nods, his eyes closed and relaxed. “So, so good. Go slow? Need you to move.” He’s speaking in broken fragments, but Luke understands. If Michael needs him to move, he’s going to move, _dammit_. 

It comes at the perfect time, too. He’s never felt this amazing in his life. As many times as he’s gotten off in the shower with Michael’s name on his lips, having the love of his life wrapped around his cock, voice a whisper between them, makes it feel like the first time he’s ever been touched. Everything is golden. 

“Y-you feel so good,” Luke stutters, leaning down to kiss Michael as a distraction. “So good, Mikey.”

Though Luke can feel Michael smile a little, his face is mostly screwed up tight, his mouth dropped open as Luke thrusts into him gently. He’s letting out the nicest moans ever, huffs and gasps that Luke wants to keep as his own in a jar. Luke’s eyes zero in on his lips and he’s caught up in them, the way they curl around his moans, and something about being inside him, fucking into him makes him lose his inhibitions. 

“Your lips are so pretty, Mikey,” he praises, his hips moving a bit faster as Michael squeezes around him. His chest is flushed, rising and falling in time with his panting. “You’re so beautiful, want to look at you forever.” Michael groans at the compliment and opens his eyes, looking up at Luke with a dazed expression. Luke leans down to kiss him again, unable to stay too far for too long. “Love you so much.”

“Love you, love you.” Michael’s hand wanders in between their bodies, and then he’s touching himself in time with Luke’s thrusts, moans getting louder and louder until suddenly - with hardly any warning - he’s cumming in between their chests with a whine, panting heavily. Luke curses and thrusts a few more times before he’s finishing too.

They’re there for a minute before he pulls out and ties off the condom. Michael’s filthy, covered in his own spunk, but Luke snuggles into him. He always has and he always will - mess and all. 

“You’re perfect,” Michael says. His voice is hoarse, scratchy in Luke’s ears but it makes him blush and shake his head. Michael brings his head up to kiss him, a few times before he pulls back and smiles at Luke. “Perfect for me.”

And that might be true, Luke thinks, because Michael’s _definitely_ perfect for him. They fall asleep pretty quickly after that. Luke keeps replaying Michael’s face while getting fucked, how much he loved it, and it makes him curious. He thinks maybe next time, he’d be okay with switching things up.

  
  
  


_July 22_

Most of Ashton’s relationship with Calum has been spent on the road, touring the world, so they don’t get a lot of time to _settle_. Dates are usually small affairs when they have enough time to run errands, and they’re finished with messy blow jobs at the venue or hand jobs in the shower. 

Don’t think Ashton’s complaining, because he _certainly_ is not. It’s just nice when they have time to do something that’s like an _actual_ date. Like when they can go to dinner or the movies or the park or… The Yankee Candle store in Concord, California, apparently. Calum had woken him up and announced that they were going on a ‘sniffing date’. Ashton had had no idea what that meant at first, but where Calum goes, he follows suit. So here they are, sniffing every scent in the Yankee Candle, and as hesitant as he was, there’s nowhere else he’d rather be.

“Magical Frosted Forest?” Calum offers, holding a candle up for Ashton. 

“A hard name to live up to for a simple candle.” He swirls it like a wine glass before he takes a sniff. “I give it a seven out of ten for effort because it comes with preconceived notions.” 

Calum nods seriously and returns it to the shelf. Ashton holds out a candle for Calum to sniff and he does, making an approving face. “Which one’s that?” 

“It’s you as a candle,” he teases, turning the candle so the label faces Calum, reading ‘Sugar and Spice.’ Calum snorts and shakes his head. He goes back to the shelf to find a new one, and Ashton watches him. “Hey, I wanted to ask you something.”

He looks around the store to make sure they’re alone. There’s one girl at the counter trying to return a candle with a shattered lid but other than that, it’s empty, and it gives Ashton the perfect opportunity to bring up what’s been on his mind for the past week. 

“Hmm?” 

“The other night,” he starts, voice low as he trails Calum walking around the shelf. “When Michael came in and borrowed…” he clears his throat, not wanting to say the word out loud in a fancy candle shop. “ _You_ know…” Calum stiffens, and Ashton realizes he was right when he sensed something off. “That wasn’t weird for you, was it?” He’s not asking at this point - he knows. 

“Oh. Um,” Calum hesitates, shrugging as he heavily stares at the candles in front of him to avoid having to look Ashton in the eyes. “Not really. I mean, I don’t know.”

The nonchalance isn’t subtle, and it shows Ashton just how uncomfortable was with what happened. “I want you to talk to me, baby.” 

“I know. I just…” He looks down at the candle in his hands and sighs. “I’ve never done that before.” 

Ashton frowns at the hesitance in Calum’s voice as he speaks as though it’s news that he’s a virgin, as though he and Ashton didn’t spend a long night talking about it when they first got together. “I know that.” 

“No, I mean.” Calum looks around now, and with the girl at the counter still the only one with them, he whispers, “I’ve never had anything… there, before.” His eyes drift a bit, aiming downwards, and Ashton knows _exactly_ what he’s saying. 

“Oh, right.” He hates that he’s making Calum uncomfortable, but they have to talk about it if they’re ever going to move forward in their relationship. “Do you want to?” 

The question isn’t even asked completely before Calum’s nodding enthusiastically, too quickly, leaning towards Ashton. “Yeah, yeah I do. I just, um. Never did it myself.” 

Ashton looks around again, making sure they’re still out of anyone’s earshot before picking up another candle off the shelf casually. “Next time we’re in a real bed, in a hotel, yeah? We’ll figure it out together.” 

“Don’t even need a real bed,” Calum protests, and Ashton has to hold back a smirk, feeling incredibly cocky for how eager Calum is. “We could just - ”

“You deserve a real bed,” he insists. Calum goes a little pink and shrugs, but it’s obvious he’s affected. 

Things are a bit hectic on the road lately. They’re almost completely finished with the album, just tying up a few loose ends, and their tour is in full swing. The footage for their movie has been collected and all that’s left is editing, and the sub-label they created under Capitol is promoting _Hey Violet’s_ first single. There’s a lot in motion for the band, and finding time to plan things out isn’t always easy. Usually Ashton’s willing to compromise when it comes to the small details, but he wants to get Calum somewhere private, somewhere they can really enjoy each other.

Instead of explaining all of that, Ashton just holds out a candle for him to smell. “Autumn Leaves?” 

  
  
  


_August 1_

“You’re warm,” Luke hums, cuddling deeper into Ashton’s arms. They’re in the back lounge on the bus together at the venue in Illinois, waiting for Michael and Calum to wake up before they go in for soundcheck. He’s snuggled into Ashton, and he thinks it’s nice to finally get some alone time. The two of them don’t see each other much now that they’ve split off into two couples, and it feels wrong being apart for too long. 

“You’re not,” Ashton grumbles. Luke knows he runs cold, but Ashton’s been extremely vocal about it, and earlier he complained about feeling like he was snuggling with an ice cube. 

“Don’t be mean,” Luke chastises. “Michael always warms me up, no complaints.” 

“Too bad I’m not Michael.” 

Luke pouts, feeling a bit turned down. Just because they’re not dating doesn’t mean they can’t spend time together. It doesn’t mean that Luke can’t follow Ashton around like a personal heater. They used to cuddle all the time - it used to be the four of them against the world - but now that they’re MichaelandLuke and CalumandAshton, it’s like they hardly even see each other. “Hey, we should go on that double date soon.” 

“We should?” 

He sounds surprised, but Luke has no idea why. Calum was right when he suggested the idea last month - going on a date with him and Ashton sounds absolutely perfect. “Yeah,” he says, nodding decidedly. “We should.” 

“Okay, then we will,” he agrees, his arms tightening around Luke’s waist. “Now keep your icicle hands to yourself, you demon.” Luke presses them to his face, and Ashton squawks.

  
  
  


_August 3_

With his heart in his throat and his back on the bed, Calum lets out a shaky breath. They’re in a hotel _finally_ , which means they have a bed, which means… 

“You ready?” 

Calum looks up at Ashton and feels a little bit of his nerves melt away. Ashton’s been doing a great job of keeping him calm, of not letting the intensity get to him. 

Calum’s lying on their hotel bed and he’s nervous but Ashton’s keeping him pretty calm. Calum’s naked and spread out, and he’s gotten lots of kisses on his mouth and neck and chest over the course of the last hour, and he’s pretty worked up now, a little impatient at the prospect of finally getting to the main event. Ashton’s kneeling between his spread legs, and they’re both hard in anticipation. Ashton leans down and presses a kiss to his tummy and then his chest and then finally his mouth, lying across him. 

With a nod, Calum takes the lube Ashton gives him, coating one of his fingers and hitching up his legs. Ashton runs a hand over his thigh comfortingly, and Calum brings his hand down between his cheek to rub over his hole, making a little noise at the pressure. He strokes over it a few times just to get used to it, and it feels nice - especially with Ashton’s eyes on him, dark and focused.

“That’s it, baby,” Ashton says. His voice is husky as he talks Calum through it, and it makes Calum’s stomach flex. “Go slow, do whatever feels right.” 

It’s different, that’s Calum’s thought as he presses his finger in, gasping with it. Not bad, just different - _new_. He looks up at Ashton with a pleading expression, not sure what he wants, but trusting Ashton to know, to take care of him. And he does. He takes Calum’s free hand in his, pressing his lips gently to the back of it and then leans down to kiss him as Calum’s slowly works his finger in and out of himself, curling it like he’s seen in porn, but it doesn’t do as much for him as being full does. 

“How do you feel, sweetheart?” Ashton whispers against his lips, barely moving away to ask. 

“Feel…” Calum trails off with a frustrated groan. It’s not bad, but he doesn’t know yet, too caught up in trying to make it better. “Feel good, maybe? I think I want more.” 

Ashton nods, the ends of his longer hair falling onto Calum’s cheek. “That’s good, baby, you’re so good. Go on, give yourself more.”

With Ashton’s instruction,, Calum takes his finger out and now it feels weird _not_ to have something in there. He puts lube on two fingers and pushes them both in, so slowly, his breath hitching and his face scrunching up. It’s _good_ , he thinks, but he needs a minute. 

At first, when Calum feels Ashton’s hands running along his body, he thinks it’s meant to distract him from the slight stretch, but when he opens his eyes, Ashton’s gaze is stuck on where Calum’s fingers are buried inside himself. The look Ashton’s giving him makes him feel wanted, makes him feel _sexy,_ and he moans out, starting to move his fingers. 

Drifting down, Ashton presses a kiss to his clavicle, then his chest, his stomach, finally stopping at his thighs, biting kisses and marks into the sensitive skin there. Calum pants in the open air - he feels _dirty_ doing this, Ashton’s face so close to where his fingers are pushing in and out of himself.

Ashton leans back and wraps a hand around his cock while he watches Calum. It’s amazing that he hasn’t yet, Calum can see how hard it is, straining against his stomach, and his confidence is through the roof as Ashton moans, stroking himself with a rough hand, staring at Calum hungrily. It’s starting to feel really nice, having something inside himself, and he’s letting out little involuntary whines every now and then. 

“Ash, it’s good” he whimpers, lower body grinding down on where his two fingers are making their way deeper into him. “Feels _really_ good.” 

“Fuck, that’s so good, pup.” Ashton’s voice is low, and Calum gasps at how affected he sounds. “You look so hot, god, look at you, fucking yourself so good.” 

Calum looks up at Ashton pumping his cock hard, like he can’t slow himself down when Calum looks like this. He feels a rush of heat surge through his body, and he thinks about having Ashton’s cock inside of him, thinks it would probably fill him up even better than his fingers, and he cant help himself. “ _Fuck me,_ oh god, Ash, _fuck_ me.” 

As Calum spreads his two fingers apart, the stretch getting even better, Ashton groans and fists himself faster, reaching out to run a finger over where Calum’s fingers are pushing into himself. “God, yeah, gonna,” he promises, his fingers like electric shocks where he toys with Calum’s rim. “Gonna fuck you next time, fuck you so good and hard, I promise.” 

Next time is too far, Calum thinks. He wants it _now,_ wants Ashton to press into him until it’s all Calum can do but feel. He knows he’s not ready though, so he just arches his back off the bed and starts touching his dick as he pushes his fingers in and out of himself hard and quick. “I want it, I want it.”

Ashton’s breathing heavily, groaning as he shuffles forward suddenly, swinging one leg over Calum’s thigh and bracing himself with one arm over Calum’s body. “Baby, I’m gonna, please, can I…” 

Oh _God_ . Calum looks up at him bleary eyed, and Ashton’s fisting his cock right over Calum’s body, and it’s so _dirty_ , what he’s asking, but Calum wants it so so bad. He nods enthusiastically, arching his back even more, offering himself up for Ashton, and he moans loudly when he feels Ashton spilling over the soft skin of his tummy, covering him like he’s claiming him, kissing over Calum’s collarbones when he gets his breath back.

Ashton reaches down and bats Calum’s hand away from his dick, taking it in his own, and that’s always better. Calum squirms and lets out a breathy moan, just wanting to be taken care of, wanting Ashton to do all the work. 

“Come on, baby,” Ashton’s voice picks up, scratchy and deep. “Fucking yourself so good, aren’t you? Gonna cum for me? Show me how much you love it?” Calum nods frantically. He's so close, about to let go. Ashton dips down and bites gently at the shell of his ear, sucking lightly, whispering to him, “Can’t wait to get my cock in you, promise I’ll fuck you so hard, soon, pup. Come on, show me you love this.” 

With Ashton’s words in his ear, guiding him through it, Calum cums harder than he ever has before, trembling as finishes all over Ashton’s hands, his fingers coming to a shaking halt inside of himself. When he’s finished, he’s absolutely boneless. Ashton’s still kissing him all over, and he feels floaty and a little sore, but so fucking _good_. 

Ashton leans in to kiss him deep, and when he pulls back he shakes his head and brushes Calum’s hair out of his face. “You drive me absolutely crazy, you know that?”

“Mmm, you too,” Calum returns with a lazy grin. He closes his eyes again, still blissed out. “Brain scrambles.”

Ashton presses another kiss to his collarbone and agrees, “Brain scrambles.” Calum feels the bed dip as Ashton goes to get a towel, and he thinks he could do that again every day forever. 

And _then_ some. 

  
  
  


_August 24_

“Is this weird?”

Ashton looks across the table to where Michael’s sitting next to Luke, looking like he’s considering something. His head is tilted as he drifts his gaze between the three of them, eyes narrowed not unkindly. 

Truthfully, Ashton hadn’t even considered it being weird until Michael asked. They’re on a double date, out to dinner while they’re in Toronto, but it’s not very different from the usual way they hang out. Maybe because it comes with connotations of them being two separate couples in this moment as opposed to four best friends things can seem a little misplaced, but even then, Ashton’s just having a fun time. 

“Weird?” He checks. Under the table, he runs his thumb over the back of Calum’s hand where he’s holding it. 

“I don’t think it's weird,” Luke says before Michael can answer. “It feels right.” He shrugs and takes a bite of pasta. “We should always do this.”

When Michael frowns, Ashton doesn’t think it’s because of the way his boyfriend talks with his mouth full - he thinks he might have more to do with the situation at hand. “Maybe. I don’t know.” 

“I think you’re thinking too much,” Calum decides. He pulls his hand out of Ashton - which only makes Ashton pout a _little_ bit - as he folds his arms in front of his half eaten salmon. “Just let it be what it is. Here, lets play a game. Twenty questions, what am I thinking of?” 

“Dick.” 

“Wrong,” Calum shoots down Michael’s sneering response, but Ashton thinks he might be lying. “Nineteen left.” 

Things slip back into their usual track after that, playing games with each other as they all slowly eat their food. Maybe it had the potential to be weird at first, if they were anyone else, that is, but Luke’s right. Things feel _good_ like this - with the four of them being together. They’ve somehow never gotten sick of each other after all this time, and that really says something about who they are and how they are together. 

When the night ends, it almost feels odd, separating into two pairs again, but he brushes off the feeling quickly when Calum distracts him with his mouth. 

  
  
  


_September 16_

Calum rolls his eyes when he hears Michael sigh for the sixtieth time that day. As much as he loves his best friend, he also hates the passive aggressive ‘ _ask me what’s wrong_ ’ begging that he’s doing silently. 

“Can you please keep your breath in your face?” Calum bites. 

“I cannot.”

It seemed like a good idea, at first, when Michael and Calum decided to stay back in Florida while Luke and Ashton went to _Universal Horror Nights_. They’d politely declined the invitation on the basis of the trip sounding terrifying and horrible, and thought that they’d have a few days together to bond. And the idea, as awful and sweltering as it is now, was great. Calum hasn’t seen Michael as much lately, and he’s really missed his friend. 

He just wishes they would have planned something to do other than sit around and sweat in the heat. Calum can't even write in his journal without Michael looking over his shoulder, huffing hot breath across his clavicle. 

“I’m bored and I’m horny,” Michael complains, and Calum can see one of his feet kick out on the bed where he’s looking at his phone. “Why are we here?”

“‘Cause we’re normal people who don’t like being scared on purpose.” When Calum answers his question dryly, Michal _hrmphs_ , but doesn’t say anything else, just reaches down and adjusts himself in his pants. Calum rolls his eyes. “Go jack off if you’re horny, I’m not about to suck your dick.”

With an offended gasp, Michael throws a sock at him. “Did I ask you to?” He snaps, glaring over at where Calum’s sitting up on the other bed in the room. “I would _never_.” 

And that’s just not on. It was only a few months ago that he was saying Calum had lips for sucking dick - he’s a little insulted that Michael would _never_ consider him. “You should be so lucky. I’ve had zero complaints.” 

“My apologies,” Michael mocks. He tries to bow, but he’s lying down, so it looks kind of awkward. “I didn’t realize I was talking to royalty, Blowjob King” 

“I’m just saying.” Calum can feel himself pouting, not liking that he’s not being taken seriously about the one thing he’s managed to master. “I’m a natural talent.” 

Michael smiles and shakes his head. “I always knew you would be.” He pretends to wipe a tear from his eye. “My little Calum, all grown up and sucking cock like a pro.”

Not wanting to give Michael a reason to be annoying about it, Calum conveniently leaves out the fact that he only sucked Ashton’s dick after Michael mentioned it before, that if it wasn’t for him, they’d probably still be getting off with Ashton’s large hand wrapped around them together, which… don’t get Calum wrong, he’d never complain about that, but there’s something about Ashton’s face when Calum sucks it down that feels even better than actually being touched. 

“And what about you and Luke?” Calum asks. “Would you call yourselves pros too?” 

Michael has an odd look on his face as he answers softly, “Uh, I don’t actually know. We kind of haven’t done that yet.”

“You had sex but you haven’t done that?”

“Nope.” Michael says it with no problem, no shame that he’d never done it before, and it makes Calum feel a little bit better that while he and Ashton hadn’t gone all the way yet, Michael and Luke still have some stuff to figure out. “Hey! I found something,” Michael shoots up on the bed, the article on his phone suddenly aimed at Calum. “What if we got Florida driver’s licenses?” 

And it’s just weird enough that Calum feels like they can brag about it over Ashton and Luke’s trip, and suddenly he’s in. “You know what? What if we did.”

  
  
  


_October 8_

Their second play in the BBC Live Lounge goes a lot better than their first, Michael’s certain. They’re still a little shaky at first, but they’re not the young, inexperienced artists that they once were. Playing in front of a camera isn’t as scary as it used to be, and covering songs doesn’t hold the same intensity. 

On top of all of that, Michael’s so fucking in love with Luke it isn’t even funny. His voice is so beautiful, and he kills any song that they tackle. He’s so talented and wonderful and _sexy_ , and Michael wants to spend the rest of his life holding Luke in his arms, brushing his hand through Luke’s hair as he leans back into it, humming… 

Which is exactly what they’re doing backstage at the BBC right now. 

They’ve been cuddling on the couch for the past ten minutes as Ashton talks to one of the sound engineers, suddenly incredibly fascinated in the production side of things. Michael doesn’t say anything about it, though, because last time Ashton got incredibly passionate about something, _Vapor_ came out of it, so he just lets Ashton do his thing. Luke, in his arms, is taking most of his attention anyway. He’s been incredibly quiet for the last few days, and Michael has a small fear that maybe he’s hiding something. 

He’s been trying to step away from making assumptions like that, not wanting to get ahead of himself, but it’s hard not to when Luke’s been looking off into the distance more often than not lately. 

“Is everything okay?” 

Luke looks at him, confused, breaking his focus away from where he was watching Calum laughing at Ashton fuck something up on the soundboard. "Everything’s fine. Why?"

"Dunno,"Michael says honestly. He doesn't know why he's so unsure of Luke's mind right now, but he'd like to find out. "Just feel like you’re up in a daydream or something."

Luke smiles and cuddles further into him, giving him a little peck on his chin. Michael can’t help but glow at the little show of affection. "Don’t need daydreams with you here." It’s mushy, and it’s just what Michael likes, so he squirms happily, very determinedly ignoring the feeling he still has that Luke’s not telling him something, ignoring the feeling that for some reason he’s still a little out of reach, even in Michael's arms.

  
  
  


_October 23_

The day _Sounds Good Feels Good_ drops, Calum wakes up about an hour too early, dick pulsing in his hand. He'd been having a _very_ good, very realistic dream about Ashton, and he was loathe for it to end. They're both naked under the covers, and Calum whines when he shifts and the cloth drags against his skin. Ashton’s sleeping next to him still, and he bites his lip as he looks at him. It would be rude to interrupt his sleep, probably, but with the way Ashton is, Calum thinks he’d probably be okay with being woken up for this.

He rubs at Ashton’s arm, trying to wake him up gently, watching his face, seeing his eyes move rapidly under his lids. Ashton makes a little grumbling noise as he slowly drifts into consciousness, and Calum leans in and gives him a kiss on the cheek, being purposefully soft so Ashton's more susceptible to his charm as he wakes up. Ashton purses his lips for a second in a phantom return kiss after a few moments, and Calum’s heart melts a little at that being his gut reaction, but he’s on a mission. 

He traces his fingers over Ashton’s jawline and whispers, "Ash?" Ashton hums. He’s awake now, but barely. Calum squeezes his bicep a little, letting the edge of his thumbnail press gently to keep him from slipping back under. "Had a dream." 

With a frown, Ashton's eyes flutter open. "Bad dream?" 

It's such a considerate response, the way he opens up, pulling himself out of sleep, thinking Calum had a bad dream, and he melts yet again at the concern in his voice, but shakes his head, pushing his hips slightly into Ashton’s thigh so he can feel where Calum's hard. 

Ashton smirks lazily, stretching slightly and bringing his arm around Calum to pull him in. " _Good_ dream, then?" Calum nods and Ashton gives him a teasing peck, pulling away before Calum can chase him. "You wanna tell me about it?" Calum’s suddenly feeling shy as the pictures from his dream last night flick through his head, and he shakes his head, just kissing Ashton again, only to be turned down when Ashton tilts his head away "No? Do I have to guess?" 

They don't usually do this, these playful words, Ashton smirking as Calum hides his face, skin burning red from the embarrassment of his want. It's not how they typically are, but he finds himself loving it, liking how Ashton turned him away because he wouldn't answer his question. Calum's never felt like this before, but he likes the twist in his gut as he nods at Ashton's question. 

"Was I there?" Ashton asks. Calum nods again, and Ashton hums. "Was I touching you?" He brings his hand down to Calum’s dick and starts stroking him slowly. "Like this?" 

" _Yeah,"_ Calum answers, surprised when his voice is just a gasp at the touch. 

"Yeah," Ashton mirrors, his hand tightening around Calum but maintaining his slow tugging. "Anything else?" 

"Not…" There's a lump in Calum's throat that he's having trouble swallowing past, breaths coming out quicker as he realizes he'll have to tell Ashton just what he was dreaming about. "Not just there."

Ashton’s hand wanders to his ass, and Calum feels him push his fingers between his cheeks and run them over his hole. "Here, baby?" Calum whimpers and pushes back against his fingers. He’s so worked up from his dream and being touched by the subject of it right after. He doesn't want to be teased, just wants Ashton to take care of him. 

"In me," he explains, hips moving back further, trying to prompt Ashton into opening him up. "You were in me. Ash, I want… I want…" 

With another kiss to the corner of his mouth, Ashton encourages him. "Whatever you want, pup, you have it. Tell me what to do." 

He doesn’t wanna tell Ashton what to do, he wants him to just _do_ it, but he whines and buries his head in Ashton’s chest, knows he has to say it, knows if he doesn't Calum will end up grinding against Ashton's bare thigh until he cums, regretting not getting the chance to be filled. "Wanna get fucked." 

After he says it, he holds his breath, waiting for a response. He feels Ashton take a deep breath himself and let it go shakily, lifting Calum’s head up to kiss him again, a little dirty, licking inside Calum's mouth, hand fisting tightly around the base of his cock. 

"Now, sweetheart?" He asks softly. "We have to be out the door in a few hours, are you sure - "

Calum makes a frustrated noise and interrupts him. " _Please,_ we have time, please." 

"Fuck…" Ashton's fingers haven’t stopped petting over Calum’s hole, and he pushes lightly, making Calum gasp, hands grasping at Ashton's shoulders, wanting more than anything for him to keep going. When he talks again, his voice sounds different, and Calum almost purrs with happiness. He’s got the edge to his voice he only gets when he’s really turned on, deeper and gravelly, and thank _god_ he's affected because if they’d left this morning without Calum _finally_ getting fucked, he doesn't think he'd be able to be happy about the album release. 

For the first time ever, when Ashton rolls away from Calum to rummage in the bag by their bed and grab lube, he gets out one of the condoms in the bag, too. Calum bites his lip when he sees it, and a little flutter of anticipation starts building in his tummy. As much as they've explored together, as much as they've done, Calum's never been fucked, but that golden foil is the only sign he needs that it's happening _now_. 

Ashton lubes up one of his fingers and brings it back to Calum’s ass, rubbing for a moment before sliding in slowly. They’ve done this a few times now, and Calum loves it more and more every time. It's good regardless if it's his fingers or Ashton’s fingers inside of him, but he prefers Ashton’s - they’re longer and thicker, and they hit places inside him Calum can’t quite get to. Ashton starts moving his finger and Calum moans.

"You…" he cuts off with a moan when Ashton starts moving his fingers. "You want me, too?" 

With a groan, Ashton presses himself against Calum so their bodies are flush together, and Calum can feel his cock against his thigh, hot and hard, slightly twitching at the contact, and he makes a pleased noise, rubbing his leg against it a little and making Ashton’s hips jump.

"Want you all the time, baby, think about it all the time. How pretty you’re gonna look, all full of me." The praise falls easily from Ashton lips and funnels straight into Calum's bloodstream, lighting him up with pure euphoria and love. Calum feels him teasing at his rim with a second finger and he pushes back, ready for more. Ashton pushes them both in and Calum makes a little noise, mouthing at Ashton's collarbone uselessly. "You love it so much, don’t you, pup?" He’s looking at Calum with the most adoring expression, laced with lust, and Calum keens as he scissors his fingers and pushes them deeper. "You were made for this, weren’t you? God, gonna fuck you so good, fill you up so good." 

The dirty talk is so effortless for him, and Calum's so fucking weak for it. He whines and shifts in Ashton's arms. "'Nother," he begs, tongue heavy as he aches for _more_. "I want, can you do another?" 

Ashton nods quickly and soon three fingers are pushing into him, spreading apart as Ashton opens him up with purpose. Calum moans, pushing back against them. He loves when it burns a tiny bit, when he can really feel how well Ashton’s fingers are stretching him open. He’s dizzy, thinking about how his cock is going to feel, can barely wait any longer. He reaches down to touch Ashton, feeling he weight of him in his hand, and Ashton groans, pushing into his fist.

"Please," he whispers, hips going back and forth onto Ashton's fingers and into his thigh. "I want it so bad." 

"In a minute, pup," Ashton turns him down, and Calum feels the rejection burn pleasantly in his stomach, making him want to doing nothing more than ignore Ashton and fuck himself on his cock. "I can’t - I dont want to hurt you." Calum appreciates the sentiment but he’s _ready,_ he wants it more than anything, so he moves to straddle Ashton’s lap. Ashton looks up at him, surprised. 

For a moment, Calum thinks he's going to stop him, so Calum leans down to kiss him, Ashton sighing into his mouth and chasing his lips when he moves away. It's a perfect distraction for Calum to grab the condom, and Ashton watches him with dark eyes as he tears it open. He rolls it clumsily onto Ashton’s cock, which is stiff and leaking against his stomach and _pulsing_ when he gets his hand on it. Ashton is watching him, awed, mouth unable to close but not saying anything, while Calum shuffles up so his ass is level to Ashton’s dick.

"Baby, baby, I - " 

Not letting Ashton protest, not letting him slow things down when all Calum wants to do is get fucked, he starts to slide down, perhaps too quickly but not caring, and Ashton's eyes fall shut as he moans long and loud. He brings a hand up to his own hair, tugging slightly, sitting back and letting it happen. Calum whimpers as he fills himself up, feeling slightly overwhelmed in the best possible way - Ashton’s thick and _hot_ inside him, stretching him better than any fingers ever could, and he takes a second to revel in it once he’s finally fully seated in his lap, his cock buried all the way inside him. He thinks maybe he should've gone slower, should've taken his time, but the burn feels like heaven - it could hurt _more_ , in Calum's opinion, and he'd be more than okay with it. 

Ashton’s breathing is labored underneath him, his stomach muscles twitching as he doesn’t move a muscle, just waits for Calum to go at his own pace.

" _Big_ ," Calum manages to spit put through a choked groan. He's overwhelmed with the feeling, almost greedy with it. "You’re so - " He starts moving in tiny grinding motions, just shifting in Ashton’s lap, and Ashton moans softly, staring up at Calum dazed. "Feel so big inside me." 

"Fuck, you’re so…" Ashton's hips twitch up slightly when Calum rises himself up by an inch and then grinds back down. " _Oh,_ you’re so good, taking me so well, look at you." Calum moves a little more rhythmically now, slightly more adjusted to the feeling of Ashton inside him, and Ashton’s fisting the sheets with one hand, the other running all over Calum’s body, over his chest, his stomach, his hips, his ass. He settles it on Calum’s dick, stroking it in time with the way Calum’s bouncing softly in his lap, so it slides through his fist every time he moves "Tell me you feel good, baby, tell me I’m making you feel good." 

It's so _needy_ , the way he begs for it, and it sends a thrill down Calum's spine. He looks down at Ashton, and lets out a choked moan. He’s never felt this good in his life, and Ashton’s shaking underneath him, needing to hear reassurance that this is good for him too, and suddenly the room gets so much hotter. "So good, Ash, don’t want it to stop, feels so good." 

Ashton cries out a little bit, thrusting his hips up slightly and pushing himself into a sitting position so their torsos are pressed together, his dick buried so deep inside Calum. He kisses him open-mouth and filthy, panting against his mouth, moving their hips together in little circles, as he starts grinding his dick into a spot inside Calum that makes his cock jump every time with little electric shocks of pleasure.

" _Yeah,"_ Calum nearly shouts, voice rising as he can feel himself approaching the edge, and he lets his thighs ache with the effort of pushing him harder. "It's so good, Ash, _fuck me_." 

_"Calum,_ baby, _baby_ , need to see you cum for me, need it, I want - " Ashton's thrusting a little faster, like he’s trying to fuck the cum out of Calum, and Calum whines and nods.

" _Fuck me, fuck me_ " It’s almost a whisper, this mantra he starts chanting, and then he’s shuddering as he cums in between their torsos, clenching around Ashton’s dick and taking shuddering gasping breaths. Everytime it feels like he's coming down, Ashton's dick keeps going, pushing him further over the edge until he hits the ground _hard_ , collapsing into Ashton's shoulder. 

When he goes boneless, Ashton groans and fucks up into him a few more times before Calum can feel him cumming inside of him, gripping at Calum’s hips posessively. It's hotter than it has any right being, the feeling of his pulsing cock inside of Calum's sensitive ass, but it's so _good_. 

They stay like that, locked together for a minute, just panting into each others mouths as they kiss each other breathlessly. Ashton’s eyes are closed as he rests his forehead against Calum’s his breathing ragged. "You are," he kisses Calum again, "unbelievable." 

Calum grins, kissing him back happily, feeling a new energy hit him at the praise, as the reality sinks in that they've finally gone all the way. "How much time do we have before we have to go?" 

"Mmmm, I don’t care," Ashton hums. Calum giggles and slowly pulls himself off Ashton, who groans in disapproval and pulls him back in, running his hands up and down Calum's sides. "Don’t wanna leave." 

He sounds so protective, and Calum leans forward, pecking his lips. "Me neither." He lifts himself up again,and Ashton frowns further. " _But!"_ Ashton raises his eyebrows. "We have this place for a few more nights, don’t we?"

Ashton grins. "We do." 

Calum takes his hand and pulls him into a sitting position, kissing him again. "Up you get, then. The sooner we go , the sooner we can come back." 

That doesn’t apply," Ashton grumbles. "The interview has a set start time…" He trails off, and when Calum turns around, his eyes are set, watching Calum’s ass jiggle a little as he heads towards the bathroom. 

  
  
  


_October 23_ _(Later)_

Ashton’s feeling especially clingy after this morning. He knows he already is on a normal day, but after what happened this morning, he just wants to permanently attach himself to Calum and never let go. They’re sitting on the couch at the Shazam Hang 2.0 album release party, and Calum’s pressed against him. It’s a good thing he is because Ashton thinks if he wasn’t touching him right now, he might go a little nuts. He feels extra protective of Calum now - he’s paying attention to his every move, and he smirks in pride every time Calum squirms a little, pretending to stretch while he tries to get comfortable on the couch. 

At one point the interviewer asks their dream date, and when Michael says he can’t say, Calum leans over Ashton’s lap for him to whisper in Calum’s ear what it is. Ashton fights off the urge to wrap his arms around Calum, and it’s only quelled slightly when Calum’s arm returns to where it was resting on the back of the couch behind his shoulders. 

He tries to keep his mind away from where it keeps threatening to wander, back to their hotel room, back to Calum in his lap, and he coughs awkwardly, biting his lip and trying very hard to listen to what the interviewers. 

They’re asked to recreate a photo of the four of them when the band was first formed and Ashton’s given a blonde wig. He’s slightly offended that they thought his hair was _that_ bad, but he takes it in stride, and they do their best. They’ve all filled out quite a bit since that photo was taken, and it’s difficult, but they do an okay job with it. After they’re done recreating, Calum takes the wig from him and puts it on his own head. Ashton giggles at him, mystified by the way he somehow still looks adorable even with it on. He helps Michael arrange the wig on Calum’s head, and Calum points to the mirrored sunglasses Ashton’s been wearing throughout the interview so far.

“Can I wear these?” He asks Ashton.

“Yeah,” Ashton responds, and he says it with a disgusting amount of fondness in his voice, he hears it bleeding through, and he knows they’re being filmed, but if Calum asked him for the moon right now he would give it to him.

The interviewer, Angus, asks them if they could have any artist promote _Sounds Good Feels Good_ , who would it be and why. Ashton’s considering when Calum gives his own answer. He says Nikki Sixx, but his lisp makes the words a jumbled mess before he quickly corrects himself. Ashton can’t help himself, it was so cute and he has to poke a little fun at it. 

“Nikki _Thickth_ ,” he teases, smiling at Calum adoringly. Michael and Luke and the rest of the audience burst out laughing, and thankfully Calum’s laughing too, but Ashton leans in and gives him a little cuddle anyways, just as reassurance, rubbing his shoulder lovingly. 

They paint pictures for the second half of the interview and it’s fun but Ashton’s itching to get back to the hotel, and he’s relieved when they’re finally done, grabbing Calum’s hand once they’re safely out of the studio and in the car on the way back. 

“God, you’re a lot today,” Michael comments from the front seat, looking at Ashton from the rearview mirror. Ashton just shrugs and kisses Calum’s cheek. He’ll be a lot for the rest of his life if he has to. Everything is absolutely perfect. 

  
  
  


_November 4_

When they finished filming _How Did We End Up Here_ , Luke was sure they'd have to wait until the premiere to watch it, but Paul Caslin, their director, managed to score them a finished copy, and let them have it with the promise of only watching it with each other. They push the two queen size beds together in Luke and Michael's hotel room, and all four of them cuddle up to watch it together for the first time.

There are clips from their first performances together picture from growing up that have Luke feeling incredibly nostalgic. They've come so far together, been through the incredible and the horrifying (Luke has to hide his face when Michael gets burned onstage), and they're going to keep going for all the years to come. There's so much ahead of them, so much hope for them as a band and for them as friends, sparking an optimism in Luke that he hasn't felt in far too long. 

He’s just so happy right now, pressed between Michael and Ashton on the makeshift giant bed, and he looks up at Michael with a smile. He never thought they’d be where they are, together and in love and watching a movie documenting their success. Michael looks down at him fondly and presses a kiss to his lips. Luke feels warm and fuzzy and perfect and snuggles into him further, kissing him back happily.

He feels so content, having all four of them there together. Everything feels right, the way it’s supposed to be, and he rubs his hand gently on Michael’s thigh, half watching the movie, half just enjoying how warm and comfortable he is. He leans up again to kiss Michael, and Michael kisses him back, but he pulls away too soon for Luke’s liking, and Luke pouts, trying to pull him back in again, moving his hand a little further up Michael’s thigh.

"Lukey, what are you doing?" Michael asks in a whisper, eyes not moving from the screen. 

"Want you." 

The whine in his voice gets Michael's attention. He turns to Luke half-shocked as he chuckles. "Right now? Babe, we kind of have company." And Luke _knows_ this, but why should it matter? It feels right to have Calum and Ashton there, just like they've always been and always will be. He honestly wouldn’t mind it at all. But Michael’s giving him a slightly confused look, and he knows it’s weird, what he’s thinking, so he backs off. Michael gives him one last kiss by his ear before he whispers in it. "Later, after the movie, yeah?"

Luke nods, and he’s happy to have it to look forward to, but he can’t help thinking it would be just fine now, too. 

  
  


_November 19_

Calum's been staring at the screen in their make-shift green room in Los Angeles as they're filming their video for Jet Black Heart. They have fans coming in tomorrow to make up the rest of the footage, but today it's just the boys. Michael's already done his set, writhing around dramatically on the bed, singing the song he refuses to admit he wrote about thinking Luke didn't love him back, and Luke's on deck to do his next. 

Right now, Ashton's the one filming, and with his new haircut, Calum thinks maybe he might want to get fucked this very second. 

"I don’t know, it just seems like maybe I’m not doing…." Michael says, and Calum's a bad friend because he's not paying even a lick of attention, too busy lusting after his boyfriend. Ashton’s singing to the camera, and Calum feels like swooning. Do people still swoon? "... with the two of you. That’s weird, right? Maybe not, maybe I’m just…" Ashton’s hair looks so _good_ and his hands are so _big_. "... or maybe I shouldn’t push, maybe let him tell me…" 

Calum sighs, breathless as Ashton runs a big hand through his good hair, and it's like his two favorite things colliding. He’s been thinking for a little while now, about wanting Ashton to maybe do something a little… _more_ in the bedroom. It's not that hes doesn't love sex with Ashton already - because he really fucking does - but they've done it three times, and Calum's been on top for each one. He thinks he might like it if they switched things up, if maybe Ashton were on top… Maybe pinning down Calum’s wrists… Maybe digging his nails in a little harder…

He can’t find it in him to bring it up to Ashton, though, he’s too embarrassed. Ashton is so sweet with him, so protective - he’d probably hate the idea of roughing Calum up. He damn near treats him like he’s porcelain, which Calum loves when they're anywhere else but in the bedroom. Watching him shoot this video, it’s doing things to Calum, and he thinks maybe he has the courage to ask after all.

"... just not quite enough? Do you think that’s true?" 

Michael’s waiting for an answer and Calum is a terrible person, has barely been listening at _all_. Something about Luke and Michael feeling insecure, the normal stuff, so Calum leans to his usual response. "Mikey, he loves you. Stop second guessing yourself." Michael sighs and runs hand through his red hair.

"I know," Michael nods, breathing out heavily and shaking his head "You’re right."

Apparently having finished his filming just then, Ashton comes walking towards them, and Calum opens his mouth, ready to ask Ashton to talk, to pull him aside and say he wants to be pressed against the wall and fucked with reckless abandon, but Ashton's got such a soft, sweet grin on his face, and he couldn't bear if he made Ashton uncomfortable with such a filthy request, so he chickens out and just presses a kiss to Ashton's cheek. 

"You looked great, Ash." 

Ashton grins, and Calum resists the urge to ask him to hold him down and make him beg. 

  
  


_December 10_

The Jingle Bell Ball in Boston wasn't too monumental to play - they've done a few of them this week already, but with the year coming to an end, only ten days left before they all board the plane and fly back to Sydney, Michael just wants to be with his band. They're all crowded in Calum and Ashton's room, trying to think of something fun to do that doesn't involve going out and getting recognized. 

On the couch, Luke's curled around Ashton like a second skin, and Calum's _supposed_ to be doing the same around Michael right now, but his cheeks are pressed to the windows, unable to take his eyes off the fresh snowfall just outside the glass. It'd be cute if Michael wasn't severely lacking cuddles right now. 

"Ash?" Calum says, and when he turns away from the window, his nose is bright red from where it'd been pressed up against it. 

"Hmmm?" 

"Will you make snow angels with me?" He asks, and Michael honestly can't believe that they're an award winning band when they're all basically children. 

Instead of turning him down and suggesting they resume their band cuddles, Ashton just smiles at him from the couch. "Now?" 

"Yeah, now." 

When Ashton starts moving like he's going to get up, Luke pouts. "I wanna go too!" Michael sighs. If Luke’s going, that means he’s going, and Ashton’s already putting on his coat, obviously giving in to what Calum wants without a second of hesitation. 

Just as he thought, Luke’s bounding over to the bed and pulling at him, getting him off the sheets and standing him up. 

"Mikey, come on!" He urges. "We can have a snowball fight!" 

Something about those words jolts something in Michael’s memory, and he starts laughing, falling back down and sitting on the bed. The rest of them look at him, confused. "What’s up with you?" Calum asks. 

"Remember back in school,"Michael starts, giggling. "When you got hit with that ghost snowball out of nowhere in the parking lot?" 

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, that was me," he confesses. 

The way Calum's jaw drops has Michael falling into his back laughing. He'd completely forgotten it'd happened, but as he remembers, more details slowly coming back to him. He remembers hiding behind the tree in his shame and lying to his face. Calum only gapes. "What, why?"

"I was trying to hit him." Michael points at Luke. "And I got you instead."

Calum starts laughing and Ashton joins in too, but Luke’s looking at Michael with an indignant expression, his mouth hanging open like he’s shocked. "I don’t believe this. Our relationship is based on a foundation of lies and violence." He shoves his hat on his head and pretends to be angry, flouncing out of the room. Michael follows after him, still laughing.

"Lukey, noooo!" He shouts. He doesn't even have shoes on, but he feels so full of love. "Come back! You can snowball me a thousand times!"

He hears Luke giggling and calling back to him as he chases him down the hotel hallway. "I will!" 

_December 19_

They're back in Florida, and they've just played the final Jingle Ball show. They're set to fly back home tomorrow for the holidays, and while it should be exciting, Luke can't help but feel upset that they're all going to be apart. Liz wants Michael and his parents to come over for New Year's, but Calum and Ashton won't be there, and it won't be the same. 

Luke's in the hotel bed, scrolling through his Twitter feed as Michael finishes up his shower. They plan on sleeping as much as they can tonight because Luke's always a little restless on the long flight home. 

Sleep is eluding him tonight, though, because ever since the moment they got back from the venue, he's heard Calum and Ashton on the other side of the wall, fucking loudly. The slapping skin, the pleading whines, Ashton's words of praise, it all filters through the thin walls and rattles around Luke's head. It's as Calum's cries start to get more frantic, and Luke's picturing them chasing their highs, that Luke feels incredibly left out. 

His eyes widen at his own thoughts, and then Michael's walking through the door in just a towel. "You alright?" He asks, face a picture of concern. 

"Um, yeah," Luke stutters, but it's a goddamn lie, and he knows it. 

There's nothing alright with feeling left out from your best friends' sex life. 


	8. 2016

**_2016_ **

_ January 6 _

To celebrate the start of a new year - and to maybe, kind of, sort of forget about a certain article that a certain publication fabricated a majority of - the band goes to Bali. They don’t go alone, of course, bringing along a merry band of friends, but it doesn’t always work out that they’re a large group together. 

More often than not, it ends up just being the four of them, Michael’s noticed. It’s not intentional - at least he doesn’t think it is - but with them all staying in separate sections of the villa, the band in two rooms of their own wing of it, it just happens that everyone branches in different directions when they make their way out in the morning. That’s not to say they don’t run across each other often. Michael saw Pete Wentz in the kitchen making a hot pocket at three in the morning when he woke up for a glass of water a few days ago, and it wasn’t even as weird as it should’ve been. 

The rest of the group are somewhere else in the resort while the band enjoys some alone time in the ocean. They aren’t as deep in the water as they were earlier, but that’s only because they wanted to play a game of chicken, and if Luke’s not the one standing, then they don’t have height as an advantage, and Michael would rather not drown - though if he did, doing so with his boyfriend’s legs around his head is  _ definitely _ the way to do it. 

“ Get him, babe,” Calum yells to Ashton where he’s sitting atop Calum’s shoulders. “Grab his leg, pull him down!” Ashton makes a grab for Luke’s leg, but Luke deflects it and pokes Ashton in the stomach. He screeches and topples over into the water, the grip his thighs have on Calum, drag them both under the blue. 

Though Michael starts laughing the moment a wobbling Calum’s eyes get wide, he doesn’t say anything until they both resurface, and when he does, it’s through more laughter at their expense. “Ha! Eat shit, both of you. His legs are a precious commodity.” He grips Luke’s thighs harder, and Luke giggles above him. Michael spins them around in a faux-victory dance, the best he can manage while he’s waist deep in ocean water. 

Ashton splashes water at them, and Michael tries to splash back, but it’s hard with someone on his shoulders, so he lets Luke down gently before jumping across the five feet between himself and Ashton, taking him under the water and attacking. They fuck around a little in the water for a bit until Ashton starts to float on his back, looking up at the sky, completely ignoring every attempt Michael makes to have Ashton fight back. 

“Do you ever think about… the sky?” He asks, and it’s already too much for Michael. “What is it really made of? What if you could cut out a little piece of sky and put it in a box…” Michael rolls his eyes at him, and he wants someone to agree that Ashton’s being dumb, but when he looks at Calum, he’s looking at Ashton with a fond expression, actually considering his monologue, so Michael rolls his eyes harder. 

When he looks to Luke, though, he’s met with an equally exasperated expression, and it makes him feel understood. “He’s diving too far into full Ashton territory,” Michael warns. “Soon we won’t be able to get him back.” 

Together they look back, only to see Calum floating now too, having joined Ashton, as they discuss whether a slice of sky would smell like anything, and Luke clears his throat. “Let's go back to the beach, guys.” 

The two lift their heads and doggy paddle back into an upright position, following Michael and Luke back to the beach. They all trudge onto a sandbank and collapse, Michael half in Luke’s lap and Calum in Ashton’s, facing the ocean, watching the sun set. It’s beautiful. Michael could stay there forever. 

All he needs in life is his three best friends and the memories they make together. 

*****

Calum’s curled up in Ashton’s lap, relaxing as he stares at the sun setting over the ocean. It’s peaceful and wonderful, but he’s almost ready to go back to their room. Having Ashton’s thighs around his head in the water was a struggle, and it’s only getting worse in the romanticism of the moment.

Feeling brave, he trails his hand over one of Ashton’s thighs now, settling further into him, squirming back a little so his ass is right on Ashton’s crotch. He keeps touching his thighs, running his hand up and down the inside of them as he talks casually, like he doesn’t have a goal, like he’s not trying to end this night naked and ruined, covered in his boyfriend’s cum. 

“It’s beautiful,” he whispers, and it is. The sunset is stunning, and he really does love watching it, but it’s not as pretty as the little hitch in Ashton’s breathing when Calum’s hand goes a little higher, rubs a little harder. He feels Ashton press a kiss to the back of his neck, trying to be subtle, and he smirks a little, happy his plan is working at least a tiny bit. 

“So beautiful…” 

When Calum hears Luke chuckle a little, he looks over to find Luke staring at him with his eyebrow slightly raised, and he can tell Luke knows exactly what he’s doing, can see the game he’s playing. He just raises an eyebrow back at Luke and keeps touching Ashton, and when he looks down a little further he can see Luke had a similar idea. He’s running his hands over Michael’s bare chest and it looks innocent at first until Calum sees that he’s purposefully running them over his nipples and Michael’s shifting in his lap a little, looking very affected. 

As weird as it should be for the two of them to be competing almost, in getting their boyfriends to react, it fuels Calum, spurs him on, and he squeezes Ashton’s thigh tighter, pushing his ass back against Ashton’s dick, calling victory as he can feel it starting to stiffen up, and Ashton coughs slightly to mask the sigh he makes.

“It’s almost down,” Michael says louder than necessary. “We should probably… so we can see the ground when we’re walking back.” His voice is a little lower than usual, and Calum holds back a laugh. He knows exactly why Michael’s ready to go, but he’s not going to laugh at him when he’s just as eager to get back to their rooms.

“Yeah, we’d better.” He twists his head up to look at Ashton innocently from under his eyelashes, and Ashton blinks down at him, his pupils are a little dilated as he nods. 

“Smart, Michael,” Ashton agrees with a thick tongue, words heavy. “Really smart.” 

Calum pushes himself off Ashton and holds his hands out to help him up. When he’s up he wraps an arm securely around Calum’s waist and they head off towards the villa. Calum can hear Michael and Luke giggling behind them, following them, and he feels a little giddy, knowing they’re probably going to be doing the same thing in just a few minutes. Ashton’s hand keeps wandering over his waist to his hip, and he speeds up a little, wanting to be on their bed, on the other side of the wall from their best friends, so badly. 

*****

As soon as Ashton’s back in his room, he’s on Calum, teeth bumping in a hungry kiss, one that Calum only smiles into, cocky and so fucking attractive. Ashton sighs. 

“Do you know how distracting you are?” he asks when he pulls away for a short breath. Calum looks at him with a quirked eyebrow, holding something Ashton can’t identify, but he doesn’t care when he’s this turned on. He shakes his head and leads them both to the bed, pulling Calum onto the sheets next to him, talking in between kisses while they both get undressed, hurried movements that lack coordination, but feel so right. “Can’t concentrate on anything with you around, pup.” 

Calum hums , and Ashton nips at his bottom lip for it. He feels charged up, body ready for anything after Calum’s touches at the beach. “Want you to concentrate on  _ me _ .” And Ashton should have known he’d done it on purpose, but he’d been too focused on the feeling of Calum’s hands on him to think about anything other than getting off the beach and out of his clothes. 

“What do you want, hm?” He asks when they’re finally undressed, kissing along Calum’s chest, spurred on when Calum starts sighing. 

“Want…” he trails off as Ashton’s thigh slides along his bare dick, and Ashton smirks. 

“Come on, tell me.” 

There’s nothing in response other than a few harsh breaths as Ashton sucks marks into his collar, but then he mumbles, “Want you to decide,” and it gives Ashton pause. 

There’s a lot of leeway there. Ashton wants to do everything for Calum, wants to make every day the best he’s ever had and every night full of pleasure and love. He settles on just stroking Calum to start, Calum making little whimpering moans and gasps. He leans in to suck on Calum’s neck, right below his ear, and Calum moans louder, making Ashton smile. 

There’s nothing that makes him feel prouder than making Calum feel good.

*****

On his knees in front of Michael is Luke’s favorite place to be. He’s used to standing center stage, but it’s not as fulfilling, as rewarding, as having all of Michael’s attention on him. He’d knelt down as soon as they’d gotten to the room, caging Michael in against the door. Michael’s breathing had picked up as soon as Luke fell to the floor, looking down at him with awe in his eyes when Luke pulled down his swim trunks. 

They’ve done this once before, just days ago, and once they did, Luke questioned why he waited so long to try it. He loves the feeling of Michael coming undone from just his mouth, and he’s  _ good  _ at it. Michael had thought so too, if his endless praise and extended orgasm was any hint. 

Not wasting any time, Luke glances up quickly at Michael’s dark eyes and then leans in and takes him in his mouth. Michael’s already hard, worked up from Luke touching him at the beach, and he whimpers when Luke starts sucking him. “Lukey, you - that’s so good.” Luke smiles around his dick a little bit, feeling fuzzy and warm in his whole body just from pleasing Michael, making him feel good. He takes him a little further and Michael gasps, reaching down to fist a hand in his hair. “ _ Luke _ .” 

Looking up at him through his eyelashes, a thrill goes through Luke when Michael’s looking down at him with a hypnotized expression, running one hand through Luke’s hair as the other one touches the wall behind him like he doesn’t know what to do with it. Luke moans, unable to stop himself, needing to express everything he’s feeling somehow. He’s turned on from sucking dick and watching Michael look the way he does, and he shoves his hand in his own shorts, pumping himself. He hears Michael groan above him. 

“Yeah, that’s it,” he says, words throaty and gruff. “Touch yourself.” Luke hums around Michael’s cock and sucks a little harder, making Michael moan again, but this time there’s another noise intermingling with it, and when Luke realizes what it is, his dick twitches in his hand, and he whines around Michael. 

Through the walls, Luke can hear Calum, in the room next door, his moans mingling with Michael’s, and Luke feels a little dizzy. He wants Calum and Ashton to hear Michael, too, wants him to be louder, wants to share him. He pulls off, keeping his hand wrapped around the shaft as he looks up at Michael and fucks his dick into his first at the same time. 

“‘m I doing good?” His voice sounds a little hoarse, and he loves it, loves how dirty he feels, voice fucked out by Michael’s big cock. 

Michael brings a hand to his face, touching his jaw, fingers gripping tight. “So good, Luke.” 

“Want to hear you,” he pleads. “Want you to be loud for me.” Michael’s breathing hitches and he nods. Luke goes down on him again, and Michael groans, this time a little louder and it spurs Luke on, makes him go deeper, faster. Michael’s making the nicest noises above him, whines and moans and whimpers and he cries out when Luke pulls back and sucks hard on the head, rolling his balls in one hand and touching himself with the other. 

Next door, Calum’s moans are getting louder, and he can hear Ashton now too, slightly quieter, his moans are rougher and lower and he and Calum sound so fucking  _ hot  _ together, and Michael sounds so hot above him, coming apart from Luke’s mouth on his cock, and Luke feels like he’s gonna fucking cum before Michael even gets off, his hips jumping while his dick slides through his fist and -

“Lukey, babe,” Michael warns. “I’m, you gotta pull off, I’m gonna - ”

Luke takes his mouth off of Michael, stroking him quickly until Michael’s cumming all over his hand, hot and wet, and Luke keeps fisting his cock in his shorts. Something comes over him, and he raises his hand tentatively to taste Michael, and Michael moans above him, sounding almost wounded. 

“Oh, god, that’s so hot, fuck.” 

Luke whines at the praise, and the taste of Michael’s cum in his mouth, a reminder of how good he made him feel, and with the sound of Ashton and Calum in the room next door, the feeling of Michael’s hands running through his hair, he cums hard in his swim trunks, thrusting into his hand, his mouth dropped open, a soft cry falling out. 

When he finally opens his eyes again, Michael’s dropped to his knees in front of Luke, so they’re facing each other, and he’s looking at Luke with a stunned expression. He touches Luke’s lips with his thumb, dragging it across the bottom one, and Luke whines a little. “God. You’re unreal.” Luke feels floaty, almost, as Michael helps him get to his feet and into the bathroom to clean off. 

Michael takes such good care of him - Luke’s happy he’s able to take care of him too, in a way. 

  
  
  


_ January 24 _

It's been about thirty minutes Calum's been on the couch, leaning into Michael's shoulder as he scrolls aimlessly on his phone, and nobody's said a word. Luke's on the loveseat across from them, mile-long legs kicked out onto the coffee table, his head thrown back on the pillow with his eyes closed peacefully. Occasionally Michael sends a meme to the group chat that has Calum switching his screen over and Luke waking up for a second, just to chuckle quietly. It's nice, but it could be better.

The missing puzzle piece walks into the room, and Calum looks up the moment the door creaks to see his boyfriend standing in the entryway, hands twisting in front of him nervously. He clears his throat and Michael and Luke look up as well. 

"I have something I need to say," Ashton announces. He seems serious, frowning as he pulls his phone out of his front pocket, holding it in a shaking hand. "This is, uh. Really hard for me." He takes a deep, quivering breath and Calum's stomach sinks. "Sorry, I just…" He turns to Michael and sighs. "Michael, I have to tell you something." 

Everyone in the room sits up straighter. Something's very clearly wrong, and Calum doesn't like it. He opens his mouth, but nothing comes out, his brain not communicating properly, only letting his hands sweat and his thoughts race. Luke looks equally as worried across the room, feet on the floor and lip ring pulled into his mouth. Michael only sits still, shoulders held tensely where they touch Calum's.

"I’m sorry, I just…" Letting his eyes wander off, like he can't stand to look Michael in his eyes, Ashton sighs again. "I wrote it down in my phone notes, I needed to get it right." They all watch him, thoroughly confused as he unlocks his phone and clears his throat. He brings his hand to his heart and starts speaking with a trembling voice. "Dear Michael.." He looks up, almost nervous and Michael chuckles a little, looks a little uncomfortable - it's not even close to how Calum's feeling. "Sometimes I wonder if maybe I could’ve done something different. Sometimes I wonder if I had said what I really meant as opposed to 'hi'." 

And something's really fucking wrong. Ashton pauses and takes a deep breath. He looks like he’s wiping a tear from his eye but there’s nothing there. Calum stares up at him, mystified and terrified, heart aching his chest as he thinks about how the words sound like a confession, an admittal, like he's in love with Michael. 

"Maybe its 12 am right now, and I could be laughing my ass off at one of your stupid jokes." Normally if someone called his jokes stupid Michael would protest, but when Calum looks over at him, he just looks utterly confused. Luke does too, looking up at Ashton with his nose scrunched. "Maybe if I hadn’t listened to my mom, I could’ve given you a chance to fall in love with me." He pauses, and Calum thinks he sees the corner of his mouth quirk a little bit, but it's hard to tell when his pulse is making his head throb, heart in his throat. "Like I made all the other boys fall in love with me." 

What the  _ fuck _ ? It sounds wrong, like they’re not Ashton's words, but he's speaking them, speaking about making boys fall in love with him. What boys, though? Is he talking about Calum? Right in front of his goddamn face as he talks about making his best friend fall in love with him? 

"If changing boys means changing flaws, I think I could’ve really liked yours," Ashton continues, and Calum's not sure if it's because these are the words of an insane person or because he's starting to get really scared, but it's starting to lose coherence, not making any sense. "The worst part?" He looks up at Michael with a heartbroken expression on his face. "Time will tell. I’ll never know what it feels like to kiss you - "

"Okay, what the fuck is this?" Luke asks, and when Calum looks up, his lips are pursed, eyes narrowed, and shoulders hunched in. 

"Luke, please," Ashton begs. "My feelings…" he’s smiling now as he turns back to the phone. "Where was I? Oh yeah," he tilts his head, and then he's frowning again. "Or stay up all night talking about stupid things, or get drunk with you - " 

With a scoff, Michael cuts him off. " _ You  _ kept me up last night talking about whether or not peacocks migrate, what are you talki - " 

Ashton holds up a finger and shakes his head, still reciting the words on his screen. "I can’t help but wonder if maybe we were meant to be together." 

"Ashton," Calum's voice cracks when he finally finds the footing to ask. "What are you  _ talking about? _ " 

Ashton goes to where Michael is sitting on the bed and kneels in front of him, looking into Michael’s eyes. "And you’ll never know." 

It sounds like the end, but nobody understands what's happening, so they all just stare at him, wanting an explanation -  _ needing _ one. They don't get it, though. Ashton only starts giggling, falling onto his butt, detaching himself from Michael's personal space. 

"Rate my performance out of ten!" He yells delightedly, and though the tightness of Calum's chest eases up, the fogginess of his brain does not. 

"What was that?" Luke asks. 

"Oh," Ashton gets back to his knees, but he doesn't stop giggling. "Camila Cabello’s phone notes got leaked from her iCloud." 

When the words sink in, Michael's gasping. " _ No,  _ that’s not - " but Ashton nods, cutting him off. 

"Oh, yes it is." 

And if that's true, then it's probably the funniest thing in the entire world, and Calum thinks maybe he can forgive Ashton for scaring the absolute shit out of him. "Oh my god." Michael's always seen Camila as a little kid, and he's told her that to her face a few times before. If this is a real letter, if it really leaked, she has to feel so  _ stupid _ . 

"If you’d like proof…" Ashton's on his phone for a second, and then the group chat is lighting up with a link to an article. 

"God," Michael says through his poorly-disguised laughter. "That poor girl."

Luke has probably the least sensitivity out of all of them for the situation, his giggles leading in a loud, booming cackle, head thrown back as he reads through the notes Ashton just read off.

"I’m framing this." 

  
  
  


_ February 19 _

The first show of the  _ Sounds Live Feels Live  _ Tour is in Japan, and it's everything Michael's dreamed of. He's sitting on a bench outside of the venue, letting himself enjoy the warm sun and the sounds of the screaming fans at the gateway. His Twitter feed isn't exactly exciting, but it's better than being inside as everybody rushes are in a pre-show panic - the first of the tour is always the most hectic. 

The bench dips as he's joined by Luke, and there's suddenly something landing in his lap.

"What’s this?" He picks up the crinkly package to inspect it, but he doesn't get far into trying to read it before Luke interrupts him. 

"Candy!" 

Despite the mystery being uncovered, Michael continues to look at the wrapper, gasping when his eyes land on something familiar. "Are these…"

"Pikachu grape gummies!" Luke yells, nodding excitedly as Michael tears open the package and tosses one into his mouth. 

"Amazing. I love you." 

Everybody always says that it's the little things about love that are the best, and Michael thinks they're right. Sitting outside a concert venue in Japan, eating vending machine gummies shaped like one of his favorite pokemon while his boyfriend sits smiling next to him - it feels like so much more. There's nothing little about the moments they share. As Michael starts to look at his phone again, Luke clears his throat like he has something else to say, and Michael looks up questioningly. 

"So…"

"So?" Michael asks. 

"I was thinking…" Luke looks kind of nervous, and Michael gets a little worried. The last time he saw that face was when he told Michael the song he wrote for their third album was dramatic 'in the wrong way.' What if Luke wants to break up, and the gummies were a goodbye gift? Michael's been eating them so fast, soon they'll be gone, and his only memory of Luke will be this wrapper that he tore open too hastily. He watches Luke think for a minute, mind raising as he anxiously eats his gummies before Luke blurts out, "Do you want to go out with me?" 

When his heart stops racing, Michael takes a second, frowning. "Luke, I’m your boyfriend." 

"I know!" He says, voice a bit too loud before dropping it again "No, I just mean like. We never really go on dates, you know? I want to take you on a real date, apart from fancy vacations and stuff. Do you want to do that?" 

Of fucking  _ course _ Michael wants that. He wants  _ everything  _ with Luke, dates very much included. "Yes!" He yells, jumping slightly in his seat, over the damn moon. "Yeah, I want that!" 

"Great! Okay, lets go!" 

"Luke," Michael stops him when he stands with a hand on his wrist. "We have a show in an hour." 

"Oh. You’re right, okay." He nods, sitting back in his seat. "But soon!" He looks happy and relieved, and it’s pretty adorable. 

"Did you really think I would say no to that?"

Luke shrugs. "I’ve never asked anyone out before." He says it so bashfully, so quietly, and Michael grins, excited to be Luke's first for many things. 

Ashton chooses to walk by them then, on his way into the building, and Michael jumps up. "Ashton!" Ashton startles a bit, looking up. "Luke asked me on a  _ date."  _

He’s giddy and immensely proud, but Ashton just looks at him curiously. "Uh… yeah?" Michael nods proudly, and Ashton gives him a thumbs up and keeps walking.

Next to him on the bench, Luke’s smiling softly, and Michael pokes his dimple, feeling giddy and loved. "You have a  _ crush  _ on me," he taunts, making Luke snort. 

"You’re weird." 

Michael pokes his other cheek. "You wanna  _ date me _ ." Luke shakes his head and starts to leave, grinning. Michael follows him, singing about Luke's love for him, getting more excited with each word. 

  
  
  


_ February 26 _

They’re in Shanghai, in a hotel, and as usual, Ashton and Calum are in bed together. 

Lately it's been quick hand jobs and the occasional blow job when touring gets stressful and Calum's desperate to fall to his knees, but for once they have a rest night before their show, so Ashton's taking Calum apart. He's knelt between Calum's legs, three fingers buried in him, and Calum’s gasping, gripping his arms hard. Ashton wonders if he’ll ever stop feeling hypnotized by the way Calum looks when they do this, wanton and undone and overwhelmed. It's like he's never gotten used to it, and Ashton hopes he never does. 

"My pretty boy," He kisses Calum’s, neck and Calum inhales sharply when he presses his fingers in just right, curling them like he's learned Calum's so fucking weak for. "You ready for me?" 

He knows the answer already. Calum’s been pleading with him for fifteen minutes now, begging to get fucked between soft cries and wet gasps, but Ashton waited, wanting him to be completely ready, wanting to open him up just right. He also might love the way Calum sounds when he’s pushed a little further into desperation, how needy and clingy he gets, relying on Ashton to feel good. 

"Please,  _ please,  _ yes, ready!" Calum's fingers are biting into the muscle of Ashton's arms, simultaneously pushing him away and pulling him closer, like he can't decide what will get them started faster. Ashton kisses him before he lines himself up and pushes in. Calum whines, his mouth dropping open and his fists clenching in the pillow over his head as Ashton bottoms out. He waits for Calum to release the breath he's holding before he starts to fuck him. 

In Ashton's opinion, they always start too quickly, and everything ends too soon. If he had his way, he'd really drag it out, spend longer teasing Calum, stretching him open and really making him  _ feel _ it. But Calum's impatient and Ashton's weak the moment he slides home, feeling Calum's tight, wet hole opening up for him. 

"You feel good, baby?" He asks, but he knows the answer, can see how blissed out Calum is now that he’s full and getting fucked like he wanted, but he’s greedy, loves when Calum tells him how much he loves it.

" _ Yeah,  _ oh," Calum gasps. When Ashton thrusts into him the next time, Calum angles his hips up and moans,  _ "Harder,  _ please." 

Again, it's quicker than Ashton wants for Calum, needs for him to feel safe, feel loved, but he listens, quickening his pace, putting some strength behind it, and revelling in the choked whines and moans as Ashton puts his all behind it. It makes him a little crazy, the way he always asks for more, like he can’t get enough of the feeling of Ashton pounding into him, like he doesn't  _ want  _ it soft, despite it being what he deserves. 

"Can you…" he starts to ask, but he trails off, arching up as his fists release their iron grip on the pillow, stretching up to the headboard. " _ Oh fuck, Ash,  _ god, can you - " He cuts off with a moan and his head rolls to the side on the pillow. Ashton grabs his jaw and gently rolls his head back so he’s looking up at him. He gives him a gentle kiss, very much in contrast with how hard he’s fucking him. He just wants him to know how special he is, how much Ashton loves him. 

“What is it, baby?” He asks, his voice dropping as he leans down to breathe the question against Calum’s ears. “What do you want?” He finishes it off with a nip to Calum’s ear lobe, and he whimpers.

“Hold… hold my hands,” he says. Ashton can’t hold back a grin as he reaches up and laces their fingers together, but Calum shakes his head, panting as Ashton keeps fucking him hard. “Hold them,” he shouts, voice cracking as he begs. It drops down quickly, barely as whisper as he breates, “ _ fuck, down, hold them down _ ,” and Ashton’s eyes widen, not sure if he heard him right. 

Being close to finishing, and hoping he isn’t misinterpreting Calum’s request, he presses their joined hands slightly into the pillow above Calum’s head, and the reaction is instant - he sobs out and his hips jump up, meeting every thrust with more enthusiasm, soft ‘thank you’s falling from his lips. Ashton moans and presses his hands down harder.

“Baby, is this…” He doesn’t want to ruin the mood, but he also needs to know that Calum isn’t hurt, that Ashton’s not going to hard or hurting him. “You’re okay?” Calum doesn’t answer, just moans and pants, and he doesn’t resist Ashton’s hold at all, just lets himself be held down and fucked hard, Ashton’s hips speeding up, skin slapping harder against Calum. It’s  _ hot,  _ it’s so fucking hot - just making Calum take it, not giving him any room to move - and Ashton feels himself getting close to the edge. “Fuck,  _ fuck _ , gonna cum in you, baby.” 

_ “Yeah _ .”

With as much coordination as he can manage, Ashton holds both Calum’s wrists down with one hand and hitches his thigh up with the other, chasing his own relief and watching in awe when Calum starts to cum, just from the friction of his dick between their bodies and Ashton’s cock pressing against his prostate. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fu - ” His voice breaks when he starts to cum inside Calum, body seizing up, pulled taught before white light explodes behind his eyes.

When he comes back to life, he’s still holding Calum’s wrists down, and he feels a wave of guilt come over him when he pulls them back to see indents around the skin. What was that, why did he like holding Calum down so much, why did he feel so good controlling him? Calum looks fine, absolutely sated and boneless and happy, but Ashton still feels worried.

“Pup?” he checks, but Calum only hums. “How do you feel?”

Humming again, Calum snuggles into where Ashton’s fallen next to him. “So nice,” he slurs. “So good. Love you. Thank you.” 

“Love you too, baby. Love you  _ so _ much.” He holds onto Calum tighter than he needs to, regret eating at his throat. He’s a bad person. Why does he like restricting his boyfriend’s movement? Who is he? “Do you need anything, baby? You want me to get you a snack? Water?” 

Calum shakes his head. “Just want you. Sleep time, shhh.” He stays with Calum, lets him fall asleep on his chest, but his own mind is racing, preventing him from passing out as easily. 

He needs to figure this out. 

  
  
  


_ March 1 _

Due to a miscalculation in their scheduling, the band lands in Malaysia a day early. Normally, they’d find themselves with a free day, the ability to do whatever they want in a new and exciting country. That’s not the case for today, though, and Luke’s not exactly happy about it. They have their soundcheck early this morning, and then they’re spending the rest of tonight and early tomorrow trying to write the music for their album that just isn’t coming. 

Right now, Luke’s in the green room, terrible lyrics passing in his head as he waits for the rest of the band to show up from their short break so they can hurry up and test the equipment before going back to the hotel to pretend to write decent music. Ashton showed up a little while ago, but Michael and Calum are still missing, still roaming around the venue. The first of them to show up is Calum, who immediately stubs his toe on the door jam, gasping as his face scrunches up in pain. 

In an instant, Ashton is there, coddling him. He picks him up, carrying him bridal-style to the couch, and placing him gently down with a kiss to his forehead. “I’m  _ fine,  _ Ashton,” Calum giggles. 

“Do you need ice?” Ashton asks, ignoring him completely, placing his hands on Calum’s forearms. “I can get you - ”

“Babe, I can’t even feel it anymore.” 

Ashton looks contemplative for a minute before he nods his head. “I’m getting you a bagel.” 

It doesn’t make the least bit of sense, and Calum just shakes his head fondly, watching Ashton go to the food table before taking his phone out of his pocket. Luke approaches Ashton, a little concerned but mostly confused. “Ash?” 

“ _ Hmm _ ?” 

Instead of facing Luke, his focus is centered on the bagel as he puts cream cheese onto it, bottom lip between his teeth. “Um, don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re acting kinda… crazy.” 

“What do you mean?” His eyebrows furrow, but he doesn’t look up.

“I mean you’ve always been a little extra…” Luke trails off, not wanting to say the wrong word and upset anyone. “ _ Caring _ with Calum, but I think his toe is gonna be fine.” 

They both look over to Calum, who’s sitting up on the couch on his phone, clearly not in any pain whatsoever. Ashton sighs. “I know. I know, it’s just - Can I tell you something?” Luke nods, curious. “Okay so, the other night, we were in bed, you know…” Luke nods again, being very attentive. “And I was on top. He, um, asked me to hold down his wrists.” 

Feeling his eyebrows jump at the admission, Luke tries to keep the rest of his face passive, even as it starts to fill with red. It’s not a surprising thought, per se, but it’s a  _ hot _ image, thinking about Ashton, with his big arms and long fingers, pressing Calum’s wrists into the mattress as they fuck…. He tries to stop his mind from visualizing it the best he can. Ashton seems kind of distraught, though, and he doesn’t understand why, but he needs to be a good friend, needs to help get to the bottom of things instead of standing around and getting hard to the idea of his best friends having a really good night of sex. 

“Okay?” 

“I  _ liked  _ it, Luke,” Ashton bites, his voice still very quiet, but the words coming out swift and worried. “Why would I like that? Am I just a monster?” 

Luke scoffs at the thought Ashton could ever be anything but the nicest guy in the world. “Come on, Ash.” 

“No, I’m serious,” Ashton insists. His eyes are worried, and he looks like he’s seeking an actual, honest answer. “Am I sick? Why do I want to  _ control  _ him?” Not wanting to rush into any explanation, Luke thinks for a bit. Ashton looks sadly down at the bagel. “I don’t deserve him. He should be with someone who can let him be free… like a beautiful little dove…” 

“Okay,” Luke laughs, unable to help himself at the terrible analogy. “Stopping right there, preventing more bird comparisons. I don’t think you’re sick, Ash. Correct me if I’m wrong, but it sounds like Calum liked it too?” Ashton nods slowly. “Okay, that’s good. Maybe you just need to sit down and actually talk about this.” 

Ashton sighs. “Probably.” He doesn’t pick up the bagel yet, still just staring at it. 

“I think, um.” Luke’s voice cracks, and he scratches at the stubble under his chin, a little uncomfortable trying to give advice when he wouldn’t know what to do if it was himself in the situation. “From my perspective, it seems like more than anything, Calum wanting you to take control means he trusts you. He knows you’ll never hurt him. Not more than he wants. He knows how much you love him, Ash.”

Ashton smiles a little at this, like he hadn’t thought of it that way before. “Maybe you’re right. I hope you’re right.” Luke watches as he brings the bagel to Calum and feeds him pieces of it. Calum rolls his eyes at first but quickly cuddles in and lets himself be fed. Luke smiles at them, happy Ashton trusts him with knowledge of something so intimate, and he tucks away the visual for a quieter time, when he can be alone and fully enjoy it. 

  
  
  


_ March 9 _

Typically, Michael’s the one that takes the longest to get ready - he realizes this - but it seems karma’s come around for him finally. He’s been pacing the hotel room for fifteen minutes, waiting for Luke to hurry his ass up in the bathroom so they don’t miss their meeting. They’re supposed to be listening to a few demos for a possible movie soundtrack deal, and Michael’s excited for it, but they may never make it Luke doesn’t come out already. 

“Luke, come  _ on _ ,” Calum whines. He and Ashton have been waiting for even longer than Michael, and he can tell they’re getting antsy, both sitting impatiently on Luke’s bed, Calum’s feet tapping awkwardly against the sheets. “We’re gonna be so late, stop adjusting your stupid lip ring - I’m sure it looks fine.” 

“Okay,” Luke croaks from behind the door. “I’m coming, I’m coming.” His voice sounds off, and Michael immediately worries. Hopefully he’s not sick. It’s been almost a year since Luke last threw up before a performance, and if he’s falling back into his old nerves, it could get a bit messy for them. But when Luke opens the door, that’s not the problem. He’s wiping his eyes, which are red and wet, and Michael worries even more. Luke crying is his least favorite thing in the world.

“Lukey, what’s wrong?” He stops pacing and heads straight to him, hugging him right away, and Luke starts crying again into his shirt, collapsing with his tears like he’d never even stopped. “Shhh, come here.” 

He guides them over to the bed and sits them both down, his arm around Luke as Calum and Ashton sit cautiously on the edge of the bed opposite them, Luke keeps crying into his shoulder, but he calms down enough to snuffle before choking out, “I feel  _ stupid _ .” 

Across the small gap between them, Ashton frowns. “Why do you feel stupid?” 

“It’s just.” Luke huffs, sniffling again. “Why are we even going to this meeting? We can’t sell out any shows on this tour, we can’t write any new music, what do they want us for? I’m a  _ failure. _ ”

“Wouldn’t that make the rest of us failures, too?” Michael asks, trying to use logic to get into Luke’s brain. He’s always been just a little more sensitive than their already pretty emotional band, but getting him out of it is a challenge every time. It proves itself as Luke just starts shaking his head. 

“No, you’re all perfect,” he spits, cuddling deeper into Michael’s collar, his eyes still wet against Michael’s skin. “I’m bringing you down, I should quit the band and get a normal job. Like a tax collector or a  _ clown _ .” As the last word comes out, he’s sobbing again.

Michael shakes his head and lets Luke cry for a few more seconds before he lifts Luke’s head up and wipes his tears with his thumb. Luke looks at him with pouty lips and sad eyes, hiccuping gasps as he calms himself down. “Babe.” Luke sniffs in response, looking down at his lap. “You’re so talented, you know that? Your voice is so beautiful, and you charm everyone you meet. We’d suck without you. You’re our leading man. You’re why people stick around.”

The words aren’t even out of his mouth before he’s glaring at Calum and Ashton, almost daring them to disagree, but they don’t. They both nod, and then Calum’s jumping to their side of the bed, attaching himself to Luke’s other side. “He’s right, Lukey. It’s just a rough patch, okay? We’re a team, a slump is no one’s fault but all of ours.”

“If you left we’d crumble,” Ashton adds sincerely, and Michael smiles as Luke wipes at his nose. 

“You mean it?” Luke asks, and Ashton joins them on the bed at Michael’s side, reaching past his body to rub Luke’s back. 

“Of course,” Calum insists. “We would have kicked you out years ago if you sucked that bad.” 

Luke laughs a little, and Michael’s feels nothing but relief at the sound. “Sorry,” Luke apologizes, palms gliding over his wet eyes, trying to get rid of the tears staining his cheeks. “Sorry I made us late. Sorry for crying.” 

“We expect it,” Ashton waves him off. “You’re a Cancer.” 

“So are you.”

“Details.” Ashton grunts then, looking down at his phone. “We should really go, though.” Luke nods and wipes his eyes one last time before shuffling towards the door, everyone else follows behind him, walking a little quickly to make up for lost time.

  
  
  


_ March 20 _

Everything’s been perfect so far. 

Luke picked Michael up around noon and together they went to a lake where he’d rented a boat for them to use. He also spent his morning packing a little picnic basket full of Michael’s favorite foods with them for lunch. Michael’s been teasing him lightheartedly about the cheesiness of it all of it, but he’s also  _ glowing,  _ and Luke can take some banter if it comes with Michael almost skipping everywhere he walks and smiling permanently. 

They’re on the boat now, and they’re both absolutely terrible at paddling, they've discovered, so they’re taking a break, just floating and munching on mini pizzas, looking over the boat at the little tadpoles that swim by them.

“I feel bad for them,” Michael says out of nowhere. 

“The tadpoles?” Luke asks, and Michael nods. “Why?”

“Their lives suck.” Michael’s tone is so finite, definitive, like it’s a  _ fact _ that their lives suck, and Luke snorts. “They don’t have cute boyfriends to take them on boat rides and give them pizza.”

Luke sighs dramatically. “A lonely, slimey life.” Michael smiles at him fondly, and it makes every moment Luke’s stepping outside of his comfort zone worth it. Every theatrical display and over dramatic moment is easy when Michael looks at him like that. 

“You said you had an idea for us?” 

“Oh!” Luke jumps, reaching into the picnic basket, pulling out the small moleskin journal he brought with him, the one that looks like the small collection Calum's always carrying with him. “Okay you can tell me if you think this is dumb - ”

“I will.”

Luke narrows his eyes, but it’s pointless against Michael’s grin. “ -  _ but,  _ I thought we could write a bad song.” 

“A bad song?”

Flicking through the terrible verses Luke’s already written in the journal due to his lack of talent lately, he nods, settling on the first clean page of the book. “Yeah. We’re kinda sucking at writing good ones lately, I thought maybe we could try something new. Let's make something bad on purpose.” 

“I’m up for it.” Michael nods slowly “Okay. What’s it about?” 

They both begin to look around. He’s always wanted to write a song about Michael, to make up for everything he’s done for Luke, but he wants that to be something good, something  _ amazing _ . His eyes land on the water, shrugging when he sees the little creatures swimming around “Tadpoles?” 

“A sad, lonely life,” Michael immediately starts, rhythm behind his words as he speaks. “No cute boyfriend… no wife.” Luke hums a melody for it, penciling the verse down. “My feet are sticky - do tadpoles have feet?” 

Luke nods, thinking up a rhyme for Michael’s question. “Feet, but no hands. The feet’s how they eat.”

Michael wheezes out a laugh, and they spend the next half hour putting together a truly terrible song, ending up just giggling more often than actually writing music. When the song is finished and worse than anything they’ve ever written - except for  _ maybe _ Just Saying, in Luke’s honest opinion - Michael reads over the journal and asks, “Are we pitching this to the boys?” 

“Oh, absolutely,” Luke insists. When Michael hands him back the journal, he closes it and slips it into the basket. “I can’t imagine them turning it down.” The sun is starting to go down, and they’re still floating. It’s casting a golden light over Michael, and he looks like an angel, more so than usual. Luke lets himself stare for a bit before he uses the sensible part of his brain. “We should probably head back so we don’t end up stranded in this lake overnight.” 

“Good idea.” Michael nods as Luke grabs the paddles and works to get them back to shore, zigzagging in the water as he attempts to figure out to use them again. “Luke?”

“Huh?”

When Luke looks up, Michael’s smiling down at his feet. “Thank you. This was perfect.” Luke smiles happily. He wants to see Michael this happy forever - he wants to be the one to make it happen. 

  
  
  


_ April 5 _

Whenever they're back in Sydney, one of Ashton's favorite things to do is walk around the neighborhood he grew up in, to see the places that he visited everyday and reminisce about a simpler time. They're in London when he realizes he can do the same thing here, that he can walk around his old neighborhood, the very one they lived in while writing their first album, and think about how much different things are. Calum's by his side, they're sipping hot cocoa, and enjoy the cool air under the bright sun. 

Just in the distance, Ashton can see the flat they rented out when they first came to London, and it's so very nostalgic being back, and Ashton keeps looking to his side happily, watching Calum next to him, rambling about whether or not argyle is fashionable and munching on a chocolate croissant Ashton had bought him. When they lived there three years ago, he was just then letting himself be friends with Calum, letting himself move past any dislike he wrongly held. Three years ago, he didn't even know how much he already loved Calum, how much more he'd fall over time. 

When they get to the flat, they stand outside of it, both of them quiet for a moment, until Calum puts his elbows on the gate and sighs. "It’s been a while." 

Resting his elbows on the gate next to Calum’s, Ashton nods. "It was fun, wasn't it?" 

" _ Lots _ of fun." Calum's eyebrows jumped suggestively and Ashton laughs, bumping their shoulders together before they both fall silent again. 

There are times when Ashton wishes he could go back in time and knock some sense into his nineteen-year-old self, make him realize that the things he feels for Calum aren't platonic, and that if he stopped getting caught up in such small, stupid things, they'd both be so much happier. Back then, there was nothing suggestive going in, nothing sexual behind the scenes to warrant Calum's tease, but maybe there would've been if he'd gotten his head out of his ass. Though maybe he should just be happy having realized his feelings when he did. There's too much going on behind the scenes, the band constantly on the move, and Ashton knows if they weren't already together, there'd be a long wait. 

Even knowing now that they're perfect together, even being in the best relationship Ashton's ever had, he hardly gets the time to tell Calum how much he loves him, to show him that he'll always be there for him. Maybe if he had known back then, they would've had more time to be together at the beginning. 

A day like today would've been the usual. 

"Sometimes I miss it," Ashton says, never one to keep his thoughts from Calum. "Being smaller. The band."

Even now, it’s weird that they’re able to walk around like this without security or people following them. They’re both wearing hats and sunglasses, and they’re not super recognizable, but if they were on a busy street, it'd be chaos. 

"Me too," Calum agrees. "I’m happy, I mean. I’m happy we’re where we are. But it’s weird, being back here." Ashton looks around. The street is empty, so he rests his hand on Calum’s, playing with his fingers slightly. Calum points with his other hand at the lawn. "Do you remember that morning you woke me up early to play in the snow?" 

Ashton grins and nods, remembering how exhausted Calum was, dragging himself out of his bed so easily. "You hate mornings, I thought for sure you’d turn me down and I’d be making my snowman alone." Calum shakes his head

"I never could say no to you," Calum says. Ashton studies his face - he's got a soft smile on it, like he’s a little embarrassed, but Ashton thinks there's nothing embarrassing about how hopeless they are for each other. "I didn’t know how. I was so in love with you I would have stopped sleeping all together if you asked me to." 

"And now?" 

Calum smiles and pokes Ashton’s nose. "Now I’ve got you sleeping next to me every night, you couldn’t pay me to get out of bed early." 

There's butterflies in his stomach, fluttering their way up, past his heart, into his throat - Ashton's so fucking in love… he doesn’t deserve this boy. He squeezes Calum’s fingers because he doesn’t know what to say back, feels like anything would be complete shit in comparison to Calum's words, so he just settles with the simplest, most genuine thing he can. "I love you. More than anything." 

Calum smiles, "I know," and it feels better than any  _ I love you, too  _ ever could. Because Ashton knows that Calum does, and it's amazing, but there's nothing better than Calum knowing Ashton loves him back. 

Because he deserves to be loved. 

  
  
  


_ April 14 _

They’re in Birmingham, England, they’ve just finished playing a show, and they’re in a hotel for the night. Michael brought his keyboard up to the room to practice - he's been learning how to play so he can wow the crowd with his talent. There are a few songs he's perfected, but he's still having a little trouble with a couple. Right now he's playing  _ Wrapped Around Your Finger _ , a little clumsily but he’s almost got it down. He just needs to play it through a few more times, and he'll be good. 

The shower shuts off in. the bathroom, and it's not long until Luke's coming out in just a pair of underwear and nothing else, flinging himself onto the bed next to Michael, making both him and the keyboard bounce. "Will you teach me?"

"Now?" Michael asks. Luke nods, resting his head on Michael’s shoulder, and Michael gives him a little kiss on his cheek, turning back to the keyboard. 

"Okay," he starts, cracking his fingers. "So there are home keys, kind of like on a computer keyboard, right?" Luke nods and Michael guides his hands to the home keys, with his thumb on middle C. "That’s like your home base, you always come back to this position." Luke’s listening, and he nods, his face very concentrated. It’s adorable, and Michael kisses him again, this time on his mouth. Luke smiles against his lips. "Okay, let’s do a scale." 

Nodding his head, lip pulled into his mouth, Luke nods. "Ah, yes. I’ve heard of those." Michael grins and shakes his head.

"It’s pretty straightforward, here." He plays a scale on the keyboard, and Luke mimics it easily. "See, what a natural talent you are. Soon you’ll be playing concertos to the masses."

Luke falls back on the bed, abandoning the keyboard. "Would you come to my shows?"

"Every night," Michael agrees, setting the keyboard down and turning as he leans down so he's hovering slightly above Luke's body. "I’d throw roses at your feet and…" 

"And?"

"... and that’s it," he shrugs. "I think that’s all they do at classical concerts." 

As Luke hums, Michael leans down to kiss him, dry lips meeting slowly until Luke pulls away. "Might not be my scene." 

"Might not be." 

He leans back down, letting his tongue slip in slightly before pulling away for a quick tease. Luke sighs contentedly and kisses him back, parting for air after a few minutes. He looks at Michael, his eyes sliding down from his eyes to his lips. "You have the nicest lips in the world." Michael tries not to preen, but he can’t help it. Every time Luke compliments him, it’s like little flowers grow inside of him and he can’t contain himself. "They’re so pretty, Mikey. Like rose petals." He kisses Michael again and leans back, biting his own lip. "I like the way they look after I’ve kissed them the most." 

Michael might melt into a puddle of vanilla pudding at any moment so he just leans in and kisses Luke again, climbing on top of him. "Lukey, do you want…" 

Luke cuts him off with a nod and another kiss. "Want you to be on top, tonight." 

Michael exhales sharply and sighs. "Yeah, okay." They switch up who does what a lot of the time, and Michael likes getting fucked, but he’s realized Luke  _ loves it _ . He always reacts so beautifully, comes apart like fucking art underneath Michael's hands. 

Half an hour later, when he’s finally got Luke on his back, Michael buried inside of him and moving slowly, dragging desperate moans out of Luke, little whines and gasps and chants of Michael’s name that spark heat at the base of his spine, he thinks that nothing in the world could be better than just the two of them, together. 

  
  
  


_ April 22 _

Though the movie doesn’t come out until July, the band is recording  _ Girls Talk Boys _ for the  _ Ghostbusters _ soundtrack in a small recording studio in Manchester while they have the time. If they get it all on a record and have it mastered before they leave the city, they won’t have to worry about it later. 

They have soundcheck in a couple hours, so they’re trying to get all the bigger parts done first. Ashton’s in the booth, Michael and Calum both watching him, and Luke’s nearby fiddling with his guitar. It’s pretty quiet, and it gives Calum a lot of time to let his thoughts race, but his face must be telling because after staring at him for a minute, Michael says, “You have a weird look on your face.”

“No, I don’t.” He says it too fast, betraying the fact that he’s thinking too hard about something and probably  _ does _ have a weird look on his face. 

“Yeah you do. What’s wrong with you?” Michael is annoyingly good at picking up on people’s energy. Calum wishes he was more like Ashton, who’s always oblivious to everything, and would just take Calum’s dishonest word for it. 

He sighs, shoulders slumping as he leans into Michael. He might as well talk to someone about it since it’s eating him alive. “Okay, fine. Do you ever…” He pauses, trying to think of the right words. “Do you ever feel like you’re not exactly on the same page with Luke,” heasks, clarifying, “sex-wise?” 

Michael thinks for a minute then shakes his head. “Not really, no. Why?” 

It doesn’t give Calum much faith in Michael’s ability to relate, but something’s been bugging him for a while, and he really needs to talk about. Michael’s not one to judge, so he’s the best bet. “Okay so. A little while ago, Ashton held my wrists down in bed.” Michael’s eyes go wide and he looks a little worried, so Calum shakes his head, clarifying, “No, I asked him to, that’s not the problem. It’s just, every time since then, he won’t do it again, even when I ask. He’s so  _ sweet,  _ and I love him, but I kind of want…” Michael is looking at him curiously, and Calum bites his lip, a little nervous to say this out loud but knowing that he’s in too deep not to. “I kind of want it to  _ hurt  _ a little… sometimes.”

At first, Michael doesn’t say anything, and Calum begins to worry that he’s said too much and freaked out his best friend, but then Michael’s hand grabs his, their fingers interlocking for a moment before he pulls away - a moment of support before he gives his advice. “ _ Okay _ . Honestly, I can’t say I understand that. But if that’s something you want - and you’re sure it is?” Calum nods a bit hastily. “Maybe try asking him when you’re not, like, already fucking. Don’t spring it on him, sit him down and talk it out.”

“But that’s embarrassing,” he whines without meaning to. He knows how he sounds, but it  _ is _ embarrassing. He can barely talk to Michael about it, let alone his boyfriend. 

“Hey.” Michael shrugs. “If you can’t talk about it, you’re not ready to get spanked.”

Calum sputters when he says it, looking around with wide eyes, terrified somebody’s listening in. “God, Mike, I’m not…” He trails off. He doesn’t know  _ what _ he is, and he doesn’t know what he’d like. That’s why he needs to try, why he needs to talk to Ashton. If he’s being honest with himself, he’d probably like getting spanked… a lot. “I’ll talk to him.” 

  
  
  


_ May 10 _

Tour gets exhausting a lot of the time, and in the days leading up to new legs, to new countries to see and explore, Ashton likes to spend his time in bed with Calum. Not even having sex - though he wouldn't complain if he was suddenly inside of his boyfriend - just relaxing.

Like now, he and Calum are in their hotel room in Vienna, just lying together, enjoying each other’s company, drifting in and out of sleep, when Ashton hears Calum whisper to him, "Ash?"

"Hmm?"

There's a moment where nothing's said, and Ashton's eyes start to flutter closed, thinking maybe Calum was just talking in his sleep, but then - "Can I talk to you about something?"

"No," Ashton teases. Calum pokes his cheek, and Ashton smiles, turning to face him. "What's up?" 

Calum looks a little nervous. He isn’t meeting his eyes, and Ashton feels a little concerned. "Can we talk about, um. Okay, you know when we - " He cuts himself off and huffs, clearly finding it hard to talk about this. Ashton takes his hand and rubs his thumb comfortingly over it, and Calum sighs. "Did you like holding me down?" 

As soon as it's asked, Ashton gulps. He  _ knew _ they would have to talk about this sooner or later. He was just banking on it being later. "Uh, I…"

"I just. I want to know, for sure." Calums still staring down at the gap between their pillows, resolutely avoiding Ashton's nervous eyes. "'Cause it seemed like you were into it that one time, but you haven’t done it since. And I don’t want to push you, if you don’t feel like it’s your thing. I just wanted to know." 

He sounds sincere, curious, and a small, immature part of Ashton wants to cower, wants to avoid any conversation about anything other how much he loves Calum and wants to keep him safe. The thrill he got when holding Calum down, restricting his movements and making him take it, shouldn't be anything that ever comes to light. Though when he thinks about hiding, of sitting alone with his thoughts, it makes him feel guilty. 

"I liked it," Ashton says when he's collected his thoughts. 

"Oh." Calum looks tentative, and Ashton knows he has to give him more than that.

"I just… I’m worried about it. I don’t want to hurt you. What if I go too far and you’re not okay anymore? Cal, if I hurt you - "

Calum cuts him off with a hand over his mouth and a soft smile. "You know I can talk, right?" Ashton quirks an eyebrow, not able to ask him to expand on his comment when there's a hand over his mouth. "If something isn’t working for me, I can tell you. I  _ will  _ tell you. And like." He bites his lip. "I kind of want it to hurt, that’s the whole point." 

Ashton pries his hand off his mouth to speak. "But just, the idea that you’d have to stop me, that’s what scares me." Calum shakes his head

"That’s why I trust you, Ash. I know how much you care about me. I know you only want it to be good." 

And that just makes Ashton light up, the idea that Calum knows how much he loves him, that he knows Ashton would do everything in his power to keep him safe. "I think…" He mulls it over in his mind. "I think I would feel better if we researched this a little. Found out more about it, you know? I want to do this right, it’s what you deserve."

Calum grins and kisses him, breathing out a grateful, " _ Thank _ you."He doesn’t have to thank Ashton. Ashton would do anything for him - including, apparently, this.

  
  
  


_ May 19 _

With the tour not selling the way they'd projected it, the label is really cracking down on rushing out the album. They've got a few spare hours, and they're spending them in the room Luke's sharing with Michael, trying to write  _ something  _ of substance, but it's all trash, and it's reflected in how down they've gotten since they started. Luke’s got his head in Calum’s lap and Michael and Ashton are on the bed with them, both with their legs crossed and notebooks in their laps. They all were sitting the same way at the beginning, but Luke lost faith and energy an hour ago. 

"Okay," Ashton sighs, both of his hands running through his hair. "How about 'clock'?" 

" _ Your smile is like a clock _ ?" Luke snorts. He knows he's supposed to be supportive, but the lyric being about a smile in general was stupid. They've been comparing metaphors for the past hour, and they're only getting worse. "What does that mean?"

"You know, like… it runs out of time."

The frustration in the room is high, and Michael almost sounds angry when he points out, "Clocks literally never run out of time." 

"Okay," Ashton rolls his eyes. "So it keeps going. I don’t know." 

Everything they come up with, no matter how good it may sound at first, has been cliche or cringey or complete and utter nonsense. Luke's beginning to fear that they'll just have the two albums, the few tours, and then in a few years, they'll be back in Sydney working at Ashton's old KFC. As much as it sounds like something they'd say in an interview - a joke for when they're asked about their plans for the future - it's beginning to look like a very real possibility. And while Luke's scared that it'll all happen, sooner than they'll expect, he can't let himself fall into that dark place just yet. For now, they have to keep trying. 

"Your smile is like a clock," Luke repeats, teasing, "It has hands and makes a ticking noise." 

"Fuck you." Ashton leans over to flick Luke's nose, and Luke leans up, nipping at the tips of his fingers. 

Nobody says anything afterwards, no offers for a better lyric, so Calum shrugs. "I don’t think it’s that bad." But it's clear he's lying.

"Thank you for the support, angel." Ashton leans over Luke to kiss Calum. Luke stares up and watches as their mouths meet, right over his head. It’s nice to watch, they both have soft lips, and he’s not usually this close to them. When Ashton pulls away, Luke resists pulling him back in and making him kiss Calum again, just so he can see it again. 

"Okay," Michael sighs, humming out the first half of the verse they've already written. "Your smile is my rock?" 

In a somber tone, Calum continues, "my Dwayne, my Johnson," and Luke snorts so hard he can feel a headache coming on. 

"I think we’re done for tonight, boys," Ashton says, shaking his head, something Luke agrees with wholeheartedly. 

"Yeah, I think so too," Michael agrees, shoving his notebook off his lap. "We can come back to this one soon, I think it might be something. 

"Yeah, it might," but Luke thinks Ashton's lying when he says it. 

Ashton gets to his feet and holds out his hands for Calum, and Luke’s a little sad when he realizes they’re leaving to go back to their own room, that they can't continue with it being the four of them. 

"You guys can stay, if you want," he offers. "We can have a sleepover." 

Calum leans down and kisses his cheek before slipping out from under his head. "Thanks, Lukey, but I think we want to be alone tonight." He winks at Luke, and Luke knows what he’s saying, and he pouts internally even more. They could do that  _ here _ , too. 

They leave and Michael pats the bed next to him, and despite his sadness, Luke crawls over and cuddles in, happy to be in his arms. He loves Michael so damn much; he just can’t help but think it would be just that much nicer if it was the four of them tonight. 

  
  
  


_ June 11 _

It's difficult to date on the road. Ashton's said it before, and he'll say it a thousand times if he has to. It's not easy to find time for themselves to do things other than write and play music. It's an amazing thing they're doing, touring the world, it's just a shame they don't see much of it at all. 

That's not to say they don't see  _ some _ of it, that they don't do their best to go sightseeing, to go on quick dates together. They’re in Madrid now, and Calum and Ashton just went on a date to El Retiro park. They hadn’t gone on the boats, just ate french bread and ham - which seems to be all they eat in Madrid - and watched the water. 

On the way home, Calum takes a picture of the two of them for his instagram. He’s been documenting everywhere they go in Europe, taking pictures of them wherever they go sightseeing, occasionally posting them on Instagram and sometimes just keeping them to himself. He keeps telling Ashton that future old, grey, wizened them will be happy to have them to look back on, and it makes Ashton feel warm and fuzzy that Calum’s thinking that far into the future with him. 

When they get back to their hotel, they find themselves in a familiar position quickly - naked, Ashton on top of Calum, grinding slowly, getting Calum worked up and desperate. He’s still a little open from this morning when Ashton fucked him slow and lazy, so it doesn’t take long for Ashton to prep him, sliding in smooth and starting out slowly, holding his wrists carefully above his head.

They’ve done this a few times now, Ashton holding him down, but they haven’t gone any further. They’ve talked about it at this point, and even done some research that was almost sexier than it was informative, and Ashton feels like it might be time to go a little further, with the way Calum’s moaning and begging for  _ more more more _ .

“More what?” Ashton asks, leaning down to nip at Calum’s neck, and Calum shudders with it, mouth falling open as he pants. “You know how this works, pup. Gotta tell me what you want.”

When they opened the door to this, looking up as much information as they could, Ashton was extremely adamant about Calum needing to make requests about what he wants to do in bed. Maybe, if he really thinks about it, he’ll be able to take more charge in the future, that he’ll be able to give Calum what he’s asking for completely, and take control, decide what to do to him. But for now, this is new, and Calum has to call the shots. 

Audibly. 

Calum tilts his hips up to meet Ashton’s and lets out a strangled groan. “Ash, hit me.” 

Ashton bites his lip. “Cal, are you  _ sure - ”  _ Calum pulls him in for a kiss and looks into his eyes, after, trusting and completely giving himself over to Ashton.

“We talked about this,” he breathes, closing his eyes when Ashton fucks inside of him with a harder thrust. “I want it. Please.” Ashton exhales and nods, kissing him again before he leans back and keeps fucking him. He holds his wrists down with one hand and uses the other to lightly, experimentally smack his thigh. Calum’s reaction is beautiful, he moans and pants hard, nodding his head. “ _ Yeah, oh yeah, please _ .” 

With Calum’s gasps spurring him on, Ashton hits him again, slightly harder this time, and Calum’s moans are continuous, rattling through his body. 

_ “Baby,” _ Ashton sighs, can’t stop it from coming when Calum reacts so beautifully. He’s completely floored at how Calum’s body is so responsive to his touch, to the way he keeps smacking his thigh, slightly harder now. It’s not quite spanking because Calum’s still on his back, but it’s pretty close, and it’s fucking  _ hot _ . 

With every smack, every thrust, Ashton’s gets a bit rougher. His hand is making small indents into the skin off Calum’s wrists, but it doesn’t matter because they’re both so goddamn close, too into it to worry. Calum’s babbling now, and it’s so sweet in Ashton’s ears, he loves it when he’s loud, and he thinks he might love hurting Calum a little bit if Calum loves it this much, if he responds like this every time. “It’s so good, so good, Ash. Thank you,  _ thank you,  _ so good to me, please, more - ”

It’s just what Ashton needs, and he lets himself loose, fucking Calum harder, holding his wrists down tighter, and hitting him a little harder. When Calum cums, it’s with an almost unearthly sound, like he’s a little out of his mind, his eyes scrunched shut and his hips moving up desperately to meet Ashton’s, and he’s so so beautiful, so sexy. Ashton cums hard after another minute, feeling - if possible - just as out of his mind.

When they’ve both come down, they’re lying together, still panting slightly, Ashton’s brushing Calum’s hair out of his face fondly, and Calum gives him a lazy smile, leaning in for a kiss that Ashton returns easily.

“Was that… are you hurt?” 

Calum lets out a little puff of air, shaking his head. “Babe, you didn’t go that hard.” It’s almost mocking, and Ashton feels himself frowning. 

“Is…” He doesn’t want to ask, not sure if he wants the answer, but he knows they need to talk about everything. “Was it bad, then?” 

“No, god, no,” Calum rushes to say, leaning over and kissing the tip of Ashton’s nose. “It was perfect, you’re perfect.” 

Letting out a relieved breath he didn’t know he was holding, Ashton grins. “Sorry, I’m just new to this. I mean, obviously, we both are. I want this to be good for you.” 

“I know.” He kisses Ashton again. “It  _ is.  _ Made me cum so hard, babe.” He whispers the last part against Ashton’s mouth, and Ashton almost purrs in contentment knowing that Calum’s satisfied, and Ashton made him that way. He also, with a twinge of relief, feels no guilt in his stomach, his body and mind at peace with what happened. 

  
  
  


_ June 21 _

After their last date, completely planned by Luke, Michael’s had to  _ really _ put his head into the next one. He doesn’t want it all to be one-sided, doesn’t want Luke to take the labor of the situation when Michael knows he’s the most romantic person in the world. He has someone he can prove it to now, and he’ll be damned if he’s overshadowed by his incredibly hot boyfriend. 

They’re back in Sydney during their break, visiting family and failing to get the inspiration for their album that they’ve been looking for. It’s been a glum week of nothing coming to light, but Michael has a plan to ease up the stress that’s been weighing on him and Luke - he has an idea that’s going to prove once and for all that Michael Clifford is the best boyfriend in the entire goddamn world. 

Luke’s due to show up to Michael’s parents’ home any minute now, and Michael’s double checking every last detail, relying on his slightly spotty memory to recall even the smallest specifics, hoping he hasn’t forgotten anything. 

When he hears the knock at the tour, he nearly jumps out of his skin, so hyper-focused on angling the candle the right way, making sure the fire isn’t going to die out before they’ve even started. Michael skips over to the door and pulls it open to see Luke standing there with a smile on his face, but when he leans in to greet Michael with a kiss, Michael puts a finger to his lips to stop him. Luke looks at him, clearly confused, and Michael gestures for him to come inside. 

“Come in!”

Luke hesitantly steps over the threshold, breathing out, “ _ Okaaay? _ ” And Michael gets why he’s confused. They’ve been together just over a year now, and in that time, Michael’s never even thought about rejecting one of his kisses, but there’s a good reason for it, and he refuses to let Luke ruin it with his stupid lush mouth. 

Once Luke’s taken his jacket off, hanging it on the coat rack, and slipped his shoes off, Michael turns to him, grinning, bouncing slightly with excitement on the balls of his feet. “Luke Hemmings, welcome to our first date!” He spreads his arms out, presenting his parents’ house to Luke, who still looks confused. 

“Did the other ones not count?” he asks with his eyebrow quirked. “Or…”

“No, they did.” They  _ definitely _ counted. Michael’s never had anybody take him on a boat ride and write a bad song with him. He did go on the weird dinner with Abigail Breslin, but that wasn’t a date, and  _ he _ paid… Though he did get a pretty terrible song out of it. “This is an artist’s rendition.” 

“Okay, you’ve completely lost me.”

And thinking back, Luke definitely didn’t know that it was a date, and Michael supposes he’s not being very clear, so he explains, “Do you remember the first time you ever came over here? When we were in school, to make a video?”

“When we sang  _ If It Means A Lot To You?”  _ Luke checks. 

“Yeah, that day.”

Luke nods, looking around with a bit more awareness now, a small grin on his face as his eyes land on where Michael’s guitar is resting on the dining room table - just like it was that day. “Yeah, I remember.” 

“Okay, well.” Michael shrugs. “You didn’t know at the time, but that was a date.” 

The grin on Luke’s face gets a bit bigger, a bit mocking, and Michael tries to keep his thoughts pure because Luke very rarely gets cocky, but when he does, he looks like a wet dream. He raises his eyebrows and teases, “Oh, it was?”

“Yes, it was.” Michel looks just past Luke’s head, not wanting to make eye contact and do something stupid like kiss him, ruining everything before they’ve begun. “So today, I figured since you never got to enjoy the date-ness of it, I’d recreate it.” 

Luke shakes his head and he looks around the room. Michael can see his eyes drifting over the vanilla tobacco candle - burning, this time, and the pizza arranged in pinwheel shapes on two plates on the counter. He’s grinning, and he looks back at Michael. “You’re ridiculous.” 

“I’m  _ romantic _ ,” he clarifies, taking Luke’s hand in his and pulling him to the counter where he has two trays of pizza artfully laid out in front of them, each piece like its own island on the tray. “We’re eating first this time, though. I don’t want it to get cold.” 

“Smart.”

“Well, I’ve grown up a lot,” Michael says, and though it’s with a serious tone, Luke laughs at the joke it is. 

Conversation comes easily as they eat. It’s like any other day they spend together, but it’s a  _ date _ , it’s  _ them _ . Michael knew this was a good idea when it popped into his head at three am in the Barcelona hotel room, but seeing it all in action now is more rewarding than he thought it’d be. Luke’s been giggling the whole time as he eats his pizza, and Michael even gets to lean over and wipe a drop of sauce off his chin. Were it any other day, he’d lick it off and feed it back to Luke with his tongue, but this is their first date, and Michael doesn’t want to ruin the trajectory of their relationship by getting too explicit too fast. 

He wouldn’t want to scare off Luke… 

“Can we go to the couch, now?” Luke asks when they’ve finished their food and Michael’s rinsed their plates. Michael nods, and swipes the guitar off the table as they pass, setting it against the couch. They both sit down, and as Luke leans in to kiss him again, Michael resists, handing Luke the guitar. “What’s this?”

“We’re playing the song,” Michae insists. 

“Why?” 

When Luke doesn’t do much to grab the guitar, Michael sets it up in his lap, manipulating Luke’s hands so they’re on the bridge. “I’m getting my first date, Luke. Song and all.” It was Michael that played the guitar the first time, but Luke’s really improved since then, and Michael wants to be serenaded this time around. Luke shakes his head fondly and starts strumming. It’s been a while since they played this one, and his chords are a bit shaky all the way through, but their voices blend together perfectly, like they always do, both of them having matured considerably over the years. 

Just like he did five years ago, Michael finds himself staring at Luke the entire time. He’s as absolutely sickeningly in love with him now as he was back then, and he can’t see that changing ever. He’s never really had a relationship before this one, but he knows that it’s a good sign that when he looks into Luke’s eyes, he drowns, and when they kiss the same butterflies appear that were there when Luke came over to his house for the first time. 

They’re not slowing down anytime soon. 

They finish the song, and Luke’s grinning at Michael. He lifts the guitar off his lap and leans in close to Michael, stopping just before their lips meet. “Are you gonna let me kiss you this time?”

Instead of answering, Michael leans in and kisses him, smiling against his lips in spite of himself. Just before Luke deepens it, before Michael can get too lost in it, he pulls away, and when Luke whines, chasing him back, he just shakes his head. 

“Luke, please,” he sighs, his voice purposefully more airy than usual. “It’s our first date. Think of my virtue.” 

Luke rolls his eyes and pushes Michael back on the couch, climbing on top of him. Michael giggles slightly and gives over to Luke’s advances without complaint. This was much more successful than the first time around, but both of them make him feel as warm and fuzzy as each other. 

The novelty will never wear off. 

  
  
  


_ July 10 _

Luke’s phone dings in his hand, and he can’t help but giggle at the message on his screen. 

_ Pokémon Go _ was just released, and since then, Luke hasn’t seen much of Michael. They played together at first, but Luke values sleep and seeing his family, so he let Michael enjoy his game, and he’s been enjoying the hourly screenshot updates of Michael’s most recent catches, smiling down at his phone every time he gets a new text alert. 

He was getting restless without Michael and decided to go to Universal Studios with his family. They’ve branched off into separate groups since they arrived, so it’s just Luke and Jack now, but Luke hasn’t been talking as much as he usually would be, too busy grinning as he looks at Michael’s newest message. 

“Boyfriend again?” 

Luke looks up to see Jack looking at him curiously, and he nods, feeling a little embarrassed. Not of Michael, of course, but… It’s just different that he has a  _ boyfriend _ . It’s easier to talk about with his mom than his brothers because as much as they love him, they just don’t understand. “He caught a Dratini.” Jack shrugs, not knowing what that means, not that Luke would’ve expected him too. 

They’re riding the tiny train around the park, making their way to one of the roller coasters nobody else in the family wanted to join them on, and it’s silent between them save for the noise of the engine and the children’s laughter echoing outside. 

“Kiddo?” Jack nudges his shoulder and Luke looks up, humming in question. “I’m happy for you. You and Mike.” 

Looking down, Luke feels his cheeks getting red, not sure how to react to his brother bringing up his relationship like it’s something they talk about at all. “Thanks.”

“You’re good together,” he continues, and Luke can feel his eyes boring into the side of his head. It makes him blush deeper. “You always have been.” 

“Yeah, we have…” 

“Kid’s been gay for you since back in high school, I’m glad you gave him a shot,” Jack says and Luke snorts. 

It’s close to what his mom once said to him when they were Facetiming last year. Apparently it was noticeable to everyone except for Luke just how much Michael loved him, had  _ always _ loved him, and the fact that Luke hadn’t realized before they were actually, finally together, was his own oblivious fault. 

“Me too,” Luke says. “It’s, uh. It’s going really well.” And it is, it  _ really _ is. He just worries, sometimes, if he’s bad for wanting more. Not more than Michael, never more than him, but more with his bandmates. Why does it feel like there’s something more with them? Michael’s plenty for him, he always will be, Luke doesn’t  _ need  _ anything else, but he  _ wants - “ _ Jack?” 

“Yeah?” 

“Do you think I’m selfish?”

The question shocks Jack, clearly, and he jumps a bit, looking at Luke with wide eyes. “Where’s that coming from?” 

“Nevermind…” 

He looks back at his phone, where Michael’s sent him a picture of the Vaporeon he just evolved. He smiles, but he doesn’t feel very happy suddenly. Michael’s loved him since they were fifteen, and Luke can’t even give him the entirety of his affection. He loves Michael more than anything, but he doesn’t deserve him. 

“You’re not.”

“Huh?” 

“Selfish,” Jack clarifies, his hand resting on Luke’s knee. “You’re not selfish. You never have been.” He appreciates it, but he thinks if Jack knew what he was thinking, he wouldn’t say that.

  
  
  


_ July 20 _

“The activities  _ alone _ are too much to do in one week,” Calum’s bragging, and Ashton rolls his eyes good-naturedly at his boyfriend. 

They’re in Florida, and it’s too humid outside to go explore, so they’re all in the greenroom at the venue, hoping time goes by quickly so they can make their way back to the hotel room where there’s better air conditioning and a very large shower that Ashton can take Calum to pieces in without breaking too much of a sweat. 

Calum and Luke are over on the couch, Calum nearly straddling Luke as he shows him the full pamphlet. He’s going on about the vacation he and Ashton are going to in Hawaii over their next break in a few weeks. Luke looks bored out of his mind, but is indulging Calum, nodding along as he runs his hands along Calum’s shins. 

Across the room, Michael and Ashton are getting snacks at the craft table, zoning in and out of the conversation half-heartedly. 

“... and we’re going to have our own private pool, Lukey,” Calum continues, pointing aggressively to the middle sheet of the brochure in his hands. “When was the last time Michael got you a private pool?”

“You don’t own the pool, Calum,” Luke points out, and Calum’s eyes instantly narrowing. 

“I’ll own  _ you _ .” He tackles Luke on the couch, wrestling with him until Luke’s a giggling mess, and Calum’s sitting on top of him, exclaiming, “Say it,” with his fingers digging into Luke’s sides. “Say I own the pool!” 

When Ashton turns his attention back to the table, Michael’s looking at him with an exasperated expression. “What a goddamn handful,” he says, but he’s laughing with it. “Are you sure you want to take him with you to Hawaii?”

“Maybe I’ll ask Camila Cabello instead,” Ashton shrugs, trying not to laugh when Michael’s mouth drops open. “Or Abigail Breslin. I hear she’s single.” 

“That’s cold.” Despite Michael’s raised brows, he’s grinning. There’s a shriek over at the couch, and they both fondly watch on as Luke gets the advantage and has Calum on the floor on his stomach as he tickles underneath his arms. “Hey, Ash?” Ashton makes a little noise to signal he heard him, but keeps watching in case Calum needs help. “Happy for you.” 

Ashton smiles and bumps their arms together playfully. “It’s a nice pool.” 

  
  
  


_ July 31 _

The night before they’re all set to fly out for their planned vacations, Luke finds himself with his best friends, their beds pushed together, watching The Big Lebowski. Luke’s snuggled up in between Michael and Calum, feeling warm and secure, just happy to be engulfed in the bed with them for one last night before Calum and Ashton leave for Hawaii. 

It’s late, and there’s no doubt most of the city is asleep, but the St. Paul show was  _ alive _ tonight, and the boys are still full of the energy they built up, not able to release it, but not willing to leave each other’s company for even a moment. Luke can feel Michael’s shaking foot against his calf where they’re pressed against each other, but he won’t say anything about it, knowing his fingers constantly tapping at Michael’s hands must be just as annoying. 

The movie’s about three-fourths of the way through, and Luke’s starting to get bored of it, his mind wandering, body needing to go, to move, to  _ do _ , and it seems like the same thing is happening to Calum and Ashton. 

Just a inches from Luke’s face, they’re whispering to each other, giggling occasionally, and every once in a while Ashton leans down and kisses right behind Calum’s ear. It’s sweet, but Luke knows it’s more - he can feel when it makes Calum shudder slightly, body rocking back against Ashton’s on the bed, thick lips parting just slightly - Luke wouldn’t even have noticed it if he hadn’t been staring at them for the past minute. 

When he realizes what he’s eavesdropping on, Luke does his best to focus back on the movie and ignore them, but it’s hard now that Ashton’s started sucking on Calum’s neck, making Calum whimper every now and then, the sound music to Luke’s ear. He looks at Michael, but he doesn’t seem to have noticed yet, just watching the movie, and Luke’s eyes drift over again. Calum and Ashton’s bodies are rocking together slightly, and Calum’s eyes have fallen shut. When Luke’s eyes drift to Ashton’s face, he’s looking back at Luke, and he smirks slightly when Luke goes red at getting caught, but he doesn't stop moving against Calum, instead just leans down to bite at his neck, hazel eyes burning into Luke’s, and he can feel himself getting harder watching the two of them.

Luke turns his head back to look at Michael, and he’s surprised when Michael’s watching now, too. There’s no way he wouldn’t have noticed by now, with the way they’re rustling together under the covers, Calum’s voice higher than usual, unable to keep his sounds in. Michael’s face is pretty unreadable, and Luke shifts in his arms so they’re facing each other, needing to know if this is something he’s into, if he’ll let Luke keep watching. 

“Wh- what are they…” 

He trails off, and Luke shrugs, using his fingers on Michael’s jaw to drag him down so they’re looking at only each other. “Doesn’t matter, right?” 

“I guess.” Michael still looks unsure, and Luke kisses him to hopefully ease his mind, and it works a little bit, Michael melting into it. 

Luke pulls away with a quick peck. “We could, too.”

“You - ” He breaks off, hands tensing around Luke’s stomach under the covers. “I don’t know, Luke.”

Luke reaches up to trace a finger along Michael’s mouth. “It’s just like normal.” He leans in to kiss Michael again, and he can feel Michael giving into him slowly, moving his hand down to Luke’s waist and squeezing. Luke takes a chance and brings his hips against Michael’s and is very happy to discover Michael isn’t at all opposed to this - physically at least. “They’re just… closer than usual, that’s all.” 

With a nod, Michael kisses Luke again, his hand wandering down to his ass. Both couples are under the blankets, so there’s nothing visible, it’s just innocent kissing, really. Even when Michael’s tongue finds its way behind Luke’s teeth and Luke’s hip starts working circles to grind his cock against Michael’s - it’s all just fun between bandmates, best friends. 

Behind Luke, he can hear Calum and Ashton doing the same thing, but  _ more _ . Calum’s making a very specific noise now, one Luke knows better than he should, but the amount of times he’s heard them through the walls means he knows this is a noise Calum makes right before he starts begging for Ashton to go  _ harder _ . And that means Ashton’s inside of him now, his fingers or his dick,  _ something _ is filling Calum up, and making him make that sound. 

All of a sudden Luke feels jealous, and he whispers against Michael’s mouth, “Me too, please, fuck me.” 

“ _ God _ , Luke.” Michael moans it quietly and kisses Luke one last time before digging in their side table for lube and shoving the boxers Luke’s wearing down his thighs, tracing his hole with a finger before pushing in, and starting to open him up. It’s not as slow and careful as he usually is, but knowing that just out of view, their best friends are doing the same thing is feuling them. 

Luke’s not being very quiet, and he doesn’t want to be. He wants to be as loud as Calum and Ashton are, wants to harmonize with their moans and enjoy this  _ together _ . He wants to  _ see them.  _ He pulls away from Michael’s mouth and rolls over, pushing his ass back against his fingers and Michael curses, adding a second one, stretching them immediately, not giving Luke time to adjust, and he gasps, pushing back against it. 

With a better view now, he’s watching Calum’s face, and it’s clear Ashton’s fucking him at this point, he’s slackjawed and whiney and Ashton is grunting behind him, moving his hips rhythmically. Luke can’t see their bodies, but he can feel the bed move, can see the concentration on Ashton’s face, and the pleasure in Calum’s, and Luke wants it so fucking bad. It’s a relief when Michael adds a third finger, but it’s not enough.

Craning his neck around to look at Michael - who’s staring at Calum and Ashton too, an odd, almost possessive expression on his face that Luke’s never seen before - Luke whines, “ _ Mikey _ .” Michael immediately looks down at him, kissing him and nudging their noses together. “Please, ready.” 

Michael nods, withdrawing his fingers, leaving Luke empty and aching for it. Luke feels the head of Michael’s wet dick slide against his hole a few times before he sinks in, just as quickly as his fingers did, and Luke cries out, reaching back to grip at Michael’s hip. Michael kisses the back of his neck before he starts to move, fucking into him deep and slow. 

“ _ Shit, _ ” Calum curses suddenly.

Luke looks at him, bleary eyed, and Calum’s staring at him, watching Luke get fucked by Michael, and that’s so fucking  _ hot _ . Luke whines and pushes back against Michael, staring back at Calum. He needs more, needs to be as close as Calum is. Ashton’s kissing over his shoulders with a purpose, like he has to, like he needs something to do with his mouth, and it’s so good, finally watching them, knowing what they look like, feeling this close to them. 

It’s been so long since Luke first heard them through the walls, since he first craved this, and now it’s happening. Luke groans when Michael hits just the right spot inside of him, and Calum’s hand shoots out to hold his, interlocking their fingers. Luke squeezes it, and it’s like having an anchor, holding onto Calum while they both get fucked in the same bed. Michael growls behind him and nips at his neck, speeding his hips up a little.

“ _ Michael _ !” 

Michael moans, teeth scraping the skin he’s just bitten. “Yeah, that’s right.” He whispers it in Luke’s ear, and Luke whimpers. His voice is rough and so sexy and he’s gonna make Luke cum so hard, his dick hitting him in all the right places. 

It’s almost  _ too _ good, everything overwhelming his senses, being taken by Michael as he holds hands with Calum who’s getting the same treatment from Ashton.

He can tell Calum and Ashton are close too, they’re getting louder, Calum’s squeezing his hand harder. He hears Ashton start to whisper in Calum’s ear and he can only make out bits and pieces of it, but it’s everything Luke never gets to hear through the plaster of the walls that separate them. “... show them, baby? Show them how good this dick makes you feel?” Calum nods frantically and Ashton groans, whispering faster, “Yeah, come on, Cal, you love it so much…” 

Calum cries out, and Luke can see the moment he falls over the edge, his face a picture of ecstasy, body trembling with it all. Luke barely has time to register it before Calum’s leaning in and kissing him. It’s wet and desperate, and Calum’s shivering and it lasts for a few seconds before Calum’s being yanked back and pushed onto his back by Ashton, who hitches his legs over his own and fucks hard into him a few times before Luke sees him cum too.

Behind him, Michael’s still fucking into him animalistically, so much rougher than usual, but it’s everything, Luke’s body numb everywhere except the pit of his stomach where he feels himself building and building and - 

Michael’s breathing is erratic, he can tell he’s close too, and he leans his head back to kiss Michael before he feels him shudder and fill Luke up. That’s it for Luke, knowing Michael got off on this, too, and he cums hard, grasping at Michael’s hips and grinding back against him, his hand slipping out of Luke’s as he rides out his pleasure. 

When they’ve come down and Luke can feel more than just the grip Michael has on his waist, he looks back at Calum and Ashton, who are kissing softly, wrapped up in each other, and he smiles, facing Michael again, so he can kiss him too. Michael returns it, gently, and the four of them fall asleep without saying another word.

*****

The next morning, they wake up late and there’s no time to talk; they all have planes to catch and showers to take. It’s a jumbled mess, and they probably should have said something, should have talked it all out, but they don’t.

  
  
  


_ August 4 _

Hawaii is beautiful, Ashton is beautiful,  _ everything _ is beautiful. 

It’s been the vacation of Calum’s dreams these last few days; nonstop adventure, just being alone with the love of his life and the most magnificent views. They’re on a hike today, going into the wilderness and taking pictures that Calum will most likely keep to himself for the rest of time, only needing them so when he and Ashton are old and grey with seven dogs, they can look back and remember how fun it was to travel the world as two young lovers. 

They’ve stopped at an overlook, staring at the water below them. It’s peaceful, quiet, and while they’ve spent every waking moment together for the past four days, they haven’t talked about more than just how great it is to be on holiday together. It hasn’t been weird, necessarily, but there’s an unresolved tension hanging around them, and Calum wants to get rid of it, so they can have the rest of their vacation without it, so they can feel free to talk about whatever they want without the fear of any unresolved conversations coming up. 

There’s two elderly women at the overlook with them, and Calum waits until they move on and are out of sight before clapping his hands together once. “Okay.”

“Okay?” 

“We need to talk,” Calum announces, his hands staying held in front of him. “About the night before we left.” 

There’s no arguing, no awkward avoiding of the topic. Ashton just sighs and nods. “Yeah, we do.” 

Things are looking good like this, Calum thinks. They’ve gotten through weirder moments, they’ve talked about worse things before. They’re Calum and Ashton, and they’re going to spend the rest of their lives together. Having sex with each other as their roommates did the same thing in the same bed - this is nothing! They can do this. 

Despite that, Calum doesn’t feel any confidence when he leads into it. “You, uh… You liked it, right?” 

“Yeah, I did.” Ashton nods, and it loosens up the coil sitting tight in the bottom of Calum’s chest. “Not more than when we’re alone, but… yeah. I did.”

“Me too.” It’s definitely not the end of it, but knowing that they both had fun, both were into it, but didn’t like it any more than being alone already has Calum breathing the fresh Hawaiin air a little easier. 

“I need to ask though,” Ashton says, and when Calum looks at him, he’s biting the inside of his cheek. “When you kissed Luke, was that like… I don’t know. What was that?” 

He doesn’t sound upset about it, just curious, and Calum thinks about his answer. In all honesty, he hadn’t even realized what it would’ve looked like to everyone else in the room, the desperate way Calum had latched onto Luke, but looking back, it wasn’t exactly innocent. 

“A release, I think. I needed somewhere to put the energy I’d built up, and he was there, and it just kind of happened. I’m sorry.”

Ashton shakes his head. “Don’t be. It was kinda hot.” 

From behind the fluttering in his stomach, Calum scoffs. “Pervert.” Ashton shakes his head, smiling, and Calum grins back. They’re so compatible together sometimes it’s absolutely sickening. 

“So, you’d do it again?” Ashton asks suddenly. “With them there?”

“I’d be open to it.” And he would. Even just running his hands over Ashton’s body when Luke’s watching makes Calum feel hot in a way that’s probably not normal for a regular group of friends. “I don’t think we should push it, though. Let them work it through with each other too and see if they want to also.” 

“That’s probably a good idea. They always take a little more time to figure things out. We’ll let them come to us.” 

It’s the smartest way to go about it, to stay close by, but not pressure them into doing it again, only letting it happen naturally, on their own accord. 

“Like pigs at a petting zoo.” 

Ashton gives him a look like he knows exactly what he’s saying, “ _ Exactly. _ ” They fall silent again, looking back at the water quietly. Ashton rests his head on Calum’s shoulder, and everything feels as it should. It was an easy talk, but Calum shouldn’t have expected anything different. It’s always easy with Ashton. 

  
  
  


_ August 18 _

The holiday they had wasn’t enough time for Michael to suddenly be okay with everything. After waking up, dick sticky in his own release after fucking next to his two best friends, Michael had hoped that getting distance on the situation would bring him clarity, would help him better understand the events of what went down. 

Spoiler alert: it didn’t. 

They’re in Tulsa, Oklahoma, playing their first show since getting back from break, and the two and a half weeks he had with just Luke definitely weren’t enough. If anything, having Luke alone made him more protective, made him hate the idea of Luke being near the other two for even a moment. 

Throughout the entire show, Michael has to sit by and watch Luke flirt with Calum on stage, sharing his microphone, singing into his ear… it’s sickening. He shouldn’t be this jealous, seeing as they’ve all been friends for so long, and just a month ago, he wouldn’t care about this at all, but after seeing the way Luke reacted that night, after witnessing the hunger in his eyes just by looking at Calum and Ashton together, he can’t help it. 

His focus is supposed to be on the show, but all Michael can think about is how he suddenly became the fourth most important person in a two-person relationship. He keeps flashing back to the image of Calum and Luke kissing, and it sparks an anger through him that has him racing off stage the very moment their performance is over. 

It takes a few minutes for the rest of the band to make their way to the green room, but when they do, Luke joins Michael on the couch, throwing himself down with an exhausted grin, trying to cuddle into Michael’s side, but he shifts before Luke’s arms can wrap all the way around him. 

“Mikey?” Luke hesitantly asks. 

“ _ Hmph _ .”

From the corner of his eye, Michael can see Ashton and Calum watching on curious, but he chooses to ignore them as much as he can when they’re all he’s been able to think about for the past three weeks. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Michael says. It’s void of emotion, and he knows it’s not right for him to be giving the cold shoulder to his boyfriend, but if he doesn’t stay distant, he’s going to explode and 5 Seconds of Summer will be short a guitar player. 

Then again, maybe  _ Calum _ can take it over. He’s been pretty good at doing that lately. 

“Why won’t you cuddle me?” Luke’s pouting, acting like a victim, like  _ he’s _ the one being disregarded, and it makes something in Michael snap. 

“Because I don't _want_ to, Luke,” he bites, ripping himself away from Luke and standing up. “Go fucking cuddle Calum if you need it so bad.” He stomps away, looking back once to see Luke looking sad, alone on the couch, and he feels bad because Luke’s feelings are always something he’s sensitive to, but right now he needs to be selfish. 

Right now, he needs to leave. 

  
  
  


_ August 29 _

The worst thing Ashton could’ve ever imagined happens - the label chooses a release date for the album that isn’t being written - April 14, 2017. 

They’re in the studio now, one that was rented in Washington for them so they could start recording the tracks that should’ve been completed, but with nothing scripted out for them, they’ve been trying to come up with music on the spot, and everything is horrible. 

The worst part of it all isn’t even that they’re failing at the only career route any of them planned for, but Michael still isn’t really talking to any of them. He puts his opinion in occasionally, but he’s mostly been ignoring the band for a month now. It’s not been too big of an issue when they were busy with shows and interviews and separated writing sessions with different musicians, but now that it’s just the four of them alone in a small room, it’s very obviously affected the dynamic, and Ashton needs to know what’s wrong, what’s going on that’s making him so detached from his best friends. 

“Mike,” he starts, voice careful as he asks gingerly, “What’s going on with you? Are you okay?”

“ _ No _ , I’m not okay.” 

The answer comes so quickly, said with such certainty that it makes Ashton jump where he stands. Michael’s arms are crossed, and he looks miserable, but he isn’t saying anything, isn’t expanding on his answer. “Okay, do you want to talk about what’s going on?” 

Before Michael can say anything, Luke cuts in with a hostile, “No, he doesn’t.”

“Shut up, Luke,” Michael barks. 

For some reason, in Ashton’s head, he thought Michael was talking to Luke, but avoiding Calum and Ashton. Knowing that he’s avoiding all three of them, holding this contemptuous demeanor, makes things even more confusing. It’s not like Luke to jump down anybody’s throat, but he looks upset at Michael, and Ashton’s beginning to think that this has been going a bit more intensely behind closed doors. 

“No!” Luke yells, throwing his guitar pick down. Next to him Calum grabs at the instrument in his lap, probably predicting that it’s the next thing to get thrown. “You won’t talk about what’s wrong, you won’t talk to me at  _ all,  _ what did I do?” Luke’s starting to get sniffly, and usually when he cries, Michael’s the first one to rush to him, but he stays where he is, just frowning.

“Luke, I don’t think I can do this.” 

When Michael says the words, Ashton feels his jaw drop, certain he must’ve heard something wrong. There’s no way that Michael’s doing this - not now, not  _ ever _ . He looks over at Calum, who looks just as shocked, frozen where he’s sitting. 

*****

“Luke, I don’t think I can do this.” 

Calum’s stiff as a board next to Luke, and Ashton’s jaw is dropped, but Luke doesn’t get what the big deal is, or why Michael’s been acting so irrational lately. Just because they can’t make a good album… He knows he can always talk to Luke about these things. Having a fear about the quality of their music is a big deal, but it’s nothing they haven’t shared before. 

“That’s fine, Mikey.” Luke’s speaking slowly, feeling a little wary about everyone’s reactions. “We can take a break and come back to it, I know we can do it, the song is good - ”

“ _ No,  _ Luke,” Michael interrupts, but this time there’s something broken in his eyes. “I can’t do this.” He gestures between himself and Luke, and Luke’s stomach drops as Michael starts to cry. 

Luke looks on, horrified at what’s happening, confused on what he did, and almost positive that this entire thing is just a really bad nightmare. “You don’t mean that.” 

“Yes I do,” Michael insists, nodding his head and wiping at his cheeks. “We can’t - we don’t work.” 

“Yes, we do, Mikey!” They work  _ so _ perfectly. Luke would follow him to the damn moon. He’s so fucking in love with him, and everything they do is in perfect synchrony. “We work, I promise, I love you - ”

He’s cut off by Michael shaking his head, sniffling and closing his eyes tight. “Stop saying that when you don’t mean it.” 

But Luke’s never said it without purpose. He means it more every time he says it. Hearing Michael accuse him of not loving him is like a dagger to the chest. He gets up from where he’s sitting, finally, and walks over to Michael, trying to pull him into his arms, but Michael wiggles away, walking in the opposite direction. 

“Michael, please,” Luke begs. The lump in his throat makes his words come out choked. He doesn’t know how much longer he can keep himself composed. “I  _ love  _ you, don’t do this.” 

“You don’t,” Michael snaps. “You never loved me like I loved you. From the beginning, I always loved you more. You didn’t even - “ He cuts off, sniffling and wiping his eyes again as the tears keep falling. “Fuck, I shouldn’t have trusted you.”

The words are a hot knife across Luke’s throat. It breaks the damn and the first tear slides down Luke’s cheek. It’s coming out of nowhere, and Luke doesn’t know what he can do to stay afloat, too afraid of drowning in the onslaught of words Michael’s throwing at him. “You can trust me, you can - ”

“No, I fucking can’t.” And Michael doesn’t sound as said any longer. He sounds angry, and that, more than anything, makes Luke choke back a sob. “You never wanted me. You kissed  _ Calum _ before you kissed me, and then I thought, maybe that was over, but now…” He gestures around to all of them. Calum and Ashton are both looking at their feet, trying to somehow give them privacy, but they all know what he’s talking about.

“ _ Michael - ” _

“I was never enough for you.” Michael nods once, and Luke recognizes where they are. They’re at the end of the fight, Michael doesn’t have much else to say, and he’s ready to leave the room, to leave Luke’s life. “I’m never gonna be enough for you. You’re always gonna be everything I want, and I can’t chase after you for the rest of my life, it’s not  _ fair _ .” 

But he’s  _ wrong _ . Michael’s so certain that he knows, that his words are fact, but they’re  _ not _ and it hurts Luke that he can’t do anything to convince Michael otherwise. “You are, you’re enough, you’re all I need.” 

Michael shakes his head. “Stop lying to me.” He walks out the door, then, and Luke tries to follow him but the door slams in his face. He lets go then, sobbing, feeling absolutely broken, and he feels someone hugging him, but he doesn’t care who it is, it doesn’t matter because his favorite person in the world just walked out on him. 

  
  
  


_ September 4 _

The next few shows go incredibly bad. Every note they hit is sharp, every lyric sung is offbeat. None of them ever thought of themselves as the best band in the world, but it’s becoming more and more apparent to them why they’ve won  _ NME’s _ Worst Band of The Year award twice now. 

They’re playing in Irvine, California, and it’s close enough to Los Angeles, that a lot of their friends have made the trip to see them. It’s supposed to fuel the band with energy and charisma, to give them the edge they need to make this the best show of their entire goddamn career. Somehow, though, it’s their absolute worst. 

Michael and Luke won’t talk to each other, and they won’t talk to Ashton or Calum either. The band is falling apart from the inside out. There’s no communication between them, they can’t write any music, and their tickets aren’t selling. 

If they don’t get their shit together, 2016 is going to be the last time their names hold any significance or prominence to anybody other than  _ VH1’s Where Are They Now? _ . 

  
  
  


_ September 5 _

Knowing that the success they’ve built is slowly collapsing around them, Ashton decides to take things into his own hands, to once and for all solve the problems the band is facing from the inside out and maybe save their asses. He finds Luke alone in the kitchen of the house they’re renting over break and approaches him tentatively, sitting down. Luke doesn’t say anything.

“Luke?” he tries, but he’s met with silence, Luke pouting even further as he glares at the countertop. It’s his usual state lately, but it does nothing for Ashton’s master plan. “Will you talk to me?” Luke shrugs and Ashton takes it as a go ahead. “What Michael said - ” Luke flinches and frowns even more, but Ashton plows ahead. They need to talk this out. “About him… not being enough…” 

Very quietly, Luke mutters, “It’s not true,” and Ashton breathes a sigh of relief. 

“I didn’t think so.” He doesn’t know the intricacies of Luke and Michael’s relationship, but he had a lot of doubt that Luke wanted more. There was always a chance that he did, but Ashton held out hope. “Luke, what did that night mean? To you?” 

To Calum and Ashton, that night was  _ hot _ . It was filthy and messy in the best way, and while it’s not something they want everytime they have sex, it’s nice to have an audience every once in a while, to share the moment with the people they trust most. To Luke, it could’ve been something completely different, something that warrants the break up. Ashton needs to know before he tries to help fix things. 

What good would a little glue do if everything is shattered?

“I don’t know,” Luke sighs. “I had, uh. I had thought about it for a while.” It’s news to Ashton, but he’s careful not to react. He wants Luke to feel comfortable enough to keep talking. “It felt… right. To be there with both of you, sharing that. But it felt right because I was with  _ him.  _ Because he and I were sharing it, too. He’s… he’s the most important thing to me. I love him more than I like the idea of all of us, together. I’d forget about it altogether if I had him back.” 

“Did you ever tell him that, after that night?” 

Luke shakes his head. “I told him, all the time, how much I love him, I don’t know what else I could have done.” 

“But not after?” Ashton asks. “You two never talked about it?”

“No, I couldn’t, I can’t,” Luke’s insistent with it, his head falling into his hands, and Ashton wants to smack both him and Michael across the heads for just pretending it never happened, not letting themselves understand each other and how they feel. 

“Luke, you have to,” Ashton says. Luke looks at him, lip caught between his teeth. “You love him.” 

Luke nods. “More than anything.” 

“He thinks he’s just one of three for you,” He tells Luke, watching the emotion dance across his face. 

“He’s  _ not,  _ I never - ”

“I know that,” Ashton cuts him off, not wanting Luke to say everything to him when Michael’s the one that needs to hear it all. “Not that you’re not a great friend, but I’ve never gotten the impression you’re in love with me. Or Calum.”

Luke snorts. “Not by a long shot.” 

With anybody else, it would sound like an insult, but it’s a little bit closer to what Ashton’s come to recognize as Luke’s sense of humor, and he smiles. “I don’t think you’re out of luck, little Lukey.” He runs his hand comfortingly through Luke’s hair, and Luke snuggles sadly into him. “But I think your communication skills need some work. Talk to him.” 

“He won’t talk to me.”

“Corner him, I don’t care.” Ashton knows Michael won’t talk to Luke - he won’t talk to  _ anyone _ . He’s been MIA since they’re show last night, and they don’t have another for two more days, so who knows where he’s hiding. Regardless of that, Luke needs to be the one to confront him, needs to to take control and show Michael that there’s real love between them. “Just tell him what you didn’t before.” Luke nods into his chest and doesn’t respond, but Ashton has faith that he’s gotten through to him. 

  
  
  


_ September 7 _

After playing probably the worst show of their career, Michael’s been making himself scarce. He knows it’s hard on the band, but it’s harder on him to be around Luke right now. Every moment he has to stand by, hopelessly in love with somebody he’ll never be enough for, his heart breaks a little further, and he doesn’t want to get to a place where it’ll be irreversible. 

So he hid out at Jack Barakat’s place for a few days, and felt no guilt for it. 

They have another show outside of Los Angeles tonight, so Michael has to show his face. He showed up to the venue earlier than anyone else with plans to check in with their tour manager before hiding until they’re due onstage. 

As always, though, Luke Hemmings is a wrench in his plans, and as Michael’s walking to the greenroom, he feels a hand on his wrist and he’s being dragged to his left. “What the - ” He takes note of Luke’s face, and wants to cry. There’s no way in hell he can talk to Luke right now without breaking down. He tries to fight back, but somehow Luke got stronger than him in the last few years, and he doesn’t seem to have a choice; he’s in a closet with him, now, Luke standing in front of the door with his arms crossed. “Luke, I don’t want to talk to you.” 

“That’s fine,” Luke nods. “You can just listen.”

If Michael were to say those words, it’d come off forceful and rude, but Luke’s so sweet, always has been, and Michael just wants to start crying. “I don’t really know what you think you can say to - ”

“I messed up,” Luke interrupts, and it definitely works to make Michael fall silent, staring down at his feet. His shoes are a little scuffed, he should - “I’m, uh, not great with words. And I might mess this up too, but I don’t really care, cause I have nothing to lose now.” Michael shakes his head. Luke has plenty to lose. “I didn’t tell you enough, how much I love you.” 

“Luke, you told me en - ”

“No, I didn’t,” Luke cuts him off, and Michael’s beginning to realize that he’s not getting out of here without letting Luke say his piece, so he closes his mouth. “‘Cause if I had, then what happened that night… it wouldn’t have made you think for one second that you’re not everything to me. That you’re not all I think about, every hour of every day. That you’re the  _ only  _ one I’ve ever felt that way about in my life. Michael, I’m so in love with you I can’t  _ figure out  _ how to put it into words.”

Michael’s feeling a little sniffly, now, listening to Luke’s words, but he still shakes his head, not knowing how to believe it. “I don’t understand, I don’t know what happened that night.” 

It’s not that Michael didn’t enjoy the night when it was happening. He  _ loved _ it, but he felt possessive, felt like he wanted to pull the covers over their heads so nobody could see Luke the way only Michael should get to. If it wasn’t for that, if it wasn’t for the way Michael felt like he couldn’t control his own relationship, he would’ve been okay. Having Calum and Ashton right next to them, hearing them,  _ seeing _ them do what they did, was so hot. Michael wouldn’t have let it happen if he didn’t want it, but seeing Luke want it even more was too much, and Michael felt like he fell into the background. 

“Me neither, but Michael, I would never do it again if that’s what you wanted,” Luke promises. His hands grab for Michael’s forearms but he steps back, and Luke’s hands fall into the air in front of them. “You’re enough for me,  _ more  _ than enough.”

Michael’s crying now, can’t help it. When the first tear falls, a million more follow. This is all he wanted to hear from Luke, but he still can’t believe it, can’t believe that he could ever say Michael’s enough while wanting something more. “I just, I would feel like I was keeping you from something you want, I can’t do it, I can’t do us.”

“No, Mikey.” Luke’s crying now too, voice wobbling as he rushes to explain himself. He’s wearing the same look of hopelessness that he was the night Michael broke up with him. “Look, if you don’t love me anymore, I’ll walk away, I won’t push. If you tell me that, I’ll leave right now. Can you tell me that?” As much as Michael wants to say yes and let them both move on, he can’t, so he shakes his head. “Then we can figure this out. Whatever I have to do, to make this right, I’ll do it. I’m so in love with you, I feel like I’ve been drowning this past week. Please, if you can see yourself letting me back in, let me try?” 

If Michael says no, he knows Luke will back off for a bit before coming back for another chance. It’s how it worked after Luke turned him down - they wound up finding each other again. There’s nobody in the world Michael will ever love as much as he loves Luke, and if they’re both willing to fight for it… Michael’s done saying no. He just wants Luke back, he’s been so miserable, and Luke hasn’t been any better. He sniffles and nods.

“Can you please kiss me now?” 

Luke makes a little noise and surges forward, kissing him with so much force Michael’s almost knocked back a little, only saved by Luke’s left arm wrapping around the small of his back. “Sorry, sorry.”

He’s petting over Michael’s chest and his arms and everywhere he can, like he can’t get enough, and Michael missed him so much, missed everything about him. He’s still worried about what happened, but he can’t not give in when Luke’s saying what he’s saying and meaning every word. 

“I love you, I love you, so much, Mikey, missed you so much.” Luke turns them so Michael’s the one pressed against the door, and he’s kissing him everywhere he can. “Let me make you feel good, so pretty, Michael, please.” Michael moans a little at the way Luke’s voice sounds, so on the edge, so relieved and desperate at the same time. It’s needy, the look in his eyes, and when Michael nods, Luke hastily helps him out of his shirt. They do their best to keep kissing until it gets too hard. Even then, Luke places small bites over his chest and his neck and then his lips again. 

The small closet they’re in feels humid now, a wet heat blanketing them as Luke takes Michael apart with just a tongue in his mouth and a tight grip on his waist. It’s been too long since they’ve had each other, and Michael wants to kick himself for ever letting his insecurities separate them. 

Sure, they still need to talk things out, to get to the bottom of everything that happened that night, but for now, this is enough. 

“You’re so beautiful,” Luke speaks into the skin of Michael’s jaw. “I think about it all the time, I’m sorry I didn’t say it enough.” Michael feels drunk on Luke’s words, and they keep coming. “Your eyes, they’re my favorite in the world. Could look at them all day. Your cute little nose…” He kisses Michael’s nose and Michael blushes. “… your lips. When he pecks Michael’s lips, Michael kisses back, needy for it, whimpering a little. “Love your noises, love when you moan for me, please, I wanna make you feel good, I need it, Mikey, tell me I can touch you.” 

Michael nods quickly, “Mhmm, yeah, Luke, I want it.” 

Luke makes a little noise, dropping to his knees quickly and nuzzling his face into Michael’s crotch, not even knowing what a fucking sight he makes on his knees, pupils blown wide and fat lips mouthing the tent of Michael’s jeans. 

“Love your cock, love making you cum.” He opens Michael’s fly quickly, yanking down his pants and taking his dick in his hand, stroking him fast, pressing kisses to his thighs. Luke looks up at him with such a hungry expression, still talking to him, and Michael might die before he even gets to cum. “Want it all the time, want you all the time.” 

He leans forward and takes Michael in his mouth, moaning immediately like he was starving for it, and Michael’s so weak, so gone - he’s not going to last at all. It’s been so long without anything, and now he has Luke Hemmings in front of him, thirsty for his cock like a man in the desert. “Luke,  _ Luke,  _ s’good, oh fuck.” 

Luke whines, sucking harder, like he’s trying to prove a point, and he  _ is _ , but Michael can barely remember what it is anymore, not when he feels this good. He’d made himself believe he’d never have this again, and it’s making him feel like he’s on a cloud. He looks down at Luke, his mouth hanging open, and Luke looks up at him with wide, glassy eyes, his mouth looks obscene stretched around his dick. 

“Yeah, you’re so good,” Michael praises, his hands sliding gently into the fringe of Luke’s growing hair, moaning openly when he finds it’s long enough to get a fist of.  _ “Oh,  _ Lukey, I’m gonna cum.” Luke keens, sucking even harder, and Michael tugs his hair slightly, groaning loudly as he starts to cum, his eyes screwing shut for a second but he forces them open so he can look down and watch Luke swallowing around his cock, taking his cum like he loves it, and it makes his cock twitch hard in Luke’s mouth. 

He watches, mouth still hanging open as he takes in the image in front of him, Luke panting, staring up at Michael with stars in his eyes. Michael hooks his hands under Luke’s armpits and hauls him to his feet. Luke leans in to Michael immediately, kissing him. 

“You’re so good, Lukey,” he repeats, needing them both to know how much he means it. “So good.” 

Luke smiles and nuzzles into him. “I love you. So much.” 

“I love you.” 

Soon, they’ll talk this out, and next time, they won’t have to go through such hardship just to figure out their own feelings. 

  
  
  


_ October 5 _

Playing home shows is always Michael’s favorite thing to do. He has more friends in Los Angeles, and his parents don’t come out to many of their Sydney shows - only the big ones - but Michael likes looking back out to the crowd, seeing people who thought he’d amount to nothing, and they’re screaming his lyrics back at him. It’s not so much the feeling of being  _ home _ , because some days it feels like California is more home to him than Australia, but it’s knowing that he did what all of his teacher’s told him he’d never be able to: he got out of Sydney and made something of himself. 

The show was perfect, the energy was up and they’re feeling great. Everyone’s parents came to the show, even one of Luke’s brothers and both of Ashton’s little siblings. The greenroom is packed full of them and it feels  _ good _ . Joy is talking to Calum about his travel plans for next year, and he mentions not knowing where they’re planning to go first to promote the album if they ever actually finish it. 

“... and whatever it ends up being,” Joy keeps rambling, “I hope it’s better than that awful article from last year. Calum, please tell me you don’t drink that much, it’s really not good for your…”

Michael grins at Calum who just smiles back and shrugs his shoulders, listening to his mom talk. Michael looks over at Luke to see Ashton’s hugging him, twirling him around a little, still giddy from the show. Michael feels a little jealous but it doesn’t last long because he’s being pulled to the side by Jack. 

“Uh, hey…” 

It’s only a little weird that he’s being pulled aside by Luke’s brother. Michael doesn’t really talk to Jack or Ben. They’re nice enough but they don't have alone time. Truthfully, he only even talks to Liz when Luke Facetimes her in the same room Michael’s in, and even then it’s just a passing hello. 

“Hey, Mike.” Jack puts his hands in his pockets, hunching only slightly, and Michael’s a bit surprised that he’s only just now seeing the resemblance he holds to Luke. “I just wanted to talk to you for a quick second.” 

“Okay…” 

“Well, not talk so much as thank,” Jack clarifies, and Michael only gets more confused. 

Across the room, Michael can see Luke looking over curiously, and Michael’s sure his confused face is enough to put Luke on edge, but he can’t worry about it right now when he’s so lost in the conversation. “Thank?”

“Yeah.” Jack’s still standing awkwardly in front of Michael, but they’re making eye contact now. “Listen, Luke, he’s never been uh, the most confident guy. He’s talented as hell, but growing up he really struggled believing in himself.” Michael looks back over at Luke. It’s hard to believe he was ever like that, but Michael had seen it with his own eyes and knows it’s true. “You helped give him that confidence. I never figured out how to, but it really helped him, being friends with you. So thank you.” Michael stands speechless, not sure how he’s supposed to react when he’s being credited for Luke Hemmings being as amazingly him as he is. “And now, the two of you being together… I’ve never seen him so happy…” He trails off, scratching his neck when Michael doesn’t say anything else. “Uh, that’s it, really. Sorry for getting mushy on you. It was a sick show.”

The words hit Michael in his chest, wrapping around his heart like a hug. He can’t help but blush as he thinks them over in his head. If Jack sees a change in Luke, with Michael, maybe what Luke’s been telling him is true. Maybe he can finally let himself believe that he and Luke are on the same page.

Jack leans in and gives Michael a weird half-hug that’s more just him slapping his hand down on Michael’s shoulder, and Michael laughs internally at how much it’s obvious Jack  _ doesn’t  _ get mushy. As much as he looks like Luke, they couldn’t be more different emotionally. 

As Jack goes to rejoin the group, Michael watches Luke grab his arm and pull him over to where Liz is talking to Ashton about after-show plans. Jack’s right, Luke is so different now to how he was when Michael first met him. He’s more sure of himself, funnier,  _ happier _ . If Michael had anything at all to do with that, he’s lucky to have helped. 

But it wasn’t  _ just _ Michael, he realizes, that helped Luke become who he is today. Calum was the first person to befriend him, and Ashton’s been a guiding force in the background, teaching Luke how to be confident in his decisions. It’s not fair to say it was all Michael, just for loving Luke when Calum and Ashton have been there, loving him the entire time. 

It hits Michael then that it was never about needing more than Michael, that Luke didn’t want to be near Calum and Ashton because he liked them more than he liked Michael. It’s because it’s been all four of them together, growing and discovering themselves, facing the tough world and spending every waking moment together. Michael liked sleeping with them just as much as Luke did, and the only reason Michael was angry was because he didn’t understand  _ why _ he loved it so much. 

It’s not that he wants to date them, it’s not even that he’s romantically interested in them at all. They, as a band, share so much together, and it makes sense that this is an extension to that. It’s not that Michael isn’t enough for Luke, it’s that Calum and Ashton have always been there, and sharing every moment together has become what they’re accustomed to. 

When they worked things out, Luke said he’d never do it again if it meant losing Michael, but that doesn’t mean he’d never  _ want _ to do it. It doesn’t mean that  _ Michael _ would never want to do it again. 

Suddenly, Michael has a lot to think about. He has a lot to talk about with Luke. 

Luke looks over at him then and waves at him to join them. “Michael! Come help plan!” 

Never able to resist, Michael skips over, smiling at Luke and cuddling into his side when he gets there. Calum and Ashton are in the same position around the big circle, and everything feels perfect. Everybody’s right where they belong. 

  
  


_ October 13 _

Their break hasn’t really been much of a break, and Calum feels like maybe all his life is ever going to be is writing an album that’ll never come to fruition. 

They’re writing with Andrew Watt at his in-home studio, throwing ideas back and forth, but nothing’s sounding good. Every decent idea somebody has is quickly shot down because it’s too similar to something else that someone heard, and it’s frustrating Calum to no end. 

It’s been a few hours in the studio now - they’ve ordered two different meals for everybody - and it’s beginning to feel like a prison sentence. Ashton walked out a few minutes ago needing air, and Calum avoided going with him, afraid he’d suggest they run away. Because, at this point, Calum knows that’s an offer he won’t be able to refuse. 

In his pocket, Calum’s phone  _ dings _ three consecutive times, and he wants to ignore it, but everybody’s staring at him, so he reaches inside and pulls it out. When he turns on his screen, he bursts out laughing. 

**_11:21 - Ash US:_ ** _ I’m stuck in the bathroom  _

**_11:21 - Ash US:_ ** _ H E L P _

**_11:21 - Ash US:_ ** _ SOS _

He takes a screenshot and makes a mental note to remember to post it to Instagram later on. “Boys, I’ll be back in a minute,” he announces, ignoring their inquisitive looks. He makes his way down the hall to the bathroom and tries the knob but it doesn’t budge. “Ash?”

“Cal!” Ashton answers from behind the door, slightly muffled. “I got stuck.” 

“I can see that,” he teases, grinning until he hears Ashton sigh. 

There’s a shuffling noise before he hears Ashton drop to the floor, a loud  _ thunk _ when he does. “Hey, Cal?” 

“Yeah?” 

“I’m sitting on the floor now.” Ash tells him, as though Calum couldn’t have deduced that himself. 

It’s sad that the writing process has so completely drained them of any joy in their lives that one of the funniest things to happen to Ashton is barely worth laughing about now. Had this happened just a month ago, Calum likes to think he’d have lost his mind, dragging Michael and Luke down here to laugh at Ashton. Maybe they would have recorded it and uploaded it to Twitter for the fans to see and make fun of him as well. 

Now, though, all Calum wants to do is get Ashton out so he’s not alone in suffering to come up with a halfway decent song just to end up failing. 

“Okay.”

“Can you sit on the floor too and put your back to the door so it’s like we’re in a movie?” Ashton asks. Calum chuckles listlessly but indulges him, sliding to the floor and putting his back to it. Ashton’s voice is still muffled when he speaks next but Calum can hear him enough. “Why can’t we write anything good?”

The question cuts deep and Calum runs his hands through his hair. “I don’t know. I don’t know what’s wrong with us.” 

It’s something he’s been wondering since the start of the year. Everything they write has been shit, and anything decent just feels  _ wrong _ . They wrote and performed on two  _ incredible _ albums, but suddenly not a single one of them has any talent for it. Somehow, over the last five years of touring, they forgot how to exist as people, they’ve forgotten how to exist as musicians, and nothing they write relates to anything. 

It’s shit. 

“Maybe we just suck,” Ashton considers, and though it’s meant to be a joke, Calum thinks he hears a plea in it. 

“I don’t think we do.” He says it to console his boyfriend, but it doesn’t feel like a lie. They’re  _ good _ , they know they are, but lately everything has felt wrong. “I think maybe… maybe we’re trying to fit into a box that we don’t really belong in anymore.” 

He hears Ashton sigh, but it’s less despairing and more gentle. “When did you get so wise?” 

“The day I was conceived,” he jokes, smiling when it makes Ashton laugh. 

“You might be right, though.” 

“Probably.” He has nothing else to say, so he sits up, cringing as his back loudly cracks. “Hey, I’m gonna grab Andrew. He might know how to open his bathroom door.” 

He stands up, hearing Ashton softly behind him. “Hurry back. My oxygen is depleting fast.” 

  
  
  


_ November 20 _

Calum watches Luke try, and fail, to fit the very large bite of spaghetti off of his plate and into his mouth, trailing a line of sauce down his chin, and he can’t help but laugh. 

They’re celebrating Michael’s birthday by having an intimate dinner at the restaurant in the Hard Rock Hotel they’re staying in, just the four of them. They’re in Mexico, and they’ve brought along a few friends, but tonight it’s just them, like it should be. It could only be better if Calum got to sit next to Ashton, but Michael took that seat first, insisting Calum sit across from them, next to Luke. 

Feeling sorry for the fact that Luke  _ still  _ hasn’t noticed the mess he made on his chin, Calum leans over and wipes it off with his napkin, giggling as Luke turns red. 

“Very boyfriendly of you,” Ashton comments, grinning at them across the table. Calum knows he didn’t think before saying it, but he can still feel when Luke tenses up a little next to him, and Calum looks at Michael, who looks uncomfortable. Ashton seems to notice what he said and cringes a little. “Sorry, Mike,” he apologizes softly. 

Michael grins and shrugs. He looks alright with the joke, which is odd because the last Calum has thought, Michael was still upset over the night they all hooked up. But then again, they haven’t brought it up at all, and he doesn’t want to to push in case it’s still a sore subject for everyone. It was most likely just a one-time thing, and Calum can be okay with that, but he’s not going to tip the boat by asking. 

“We, um,” Michael starts, looking across the table at Luke. “We talked it out, me and Luke.” Luke nods next to Calum, and Calum looks over at him questioningly, but Michael keeps talking. “Actually, we wanted to know how you guys felt about it. If you would - I mean, if it felt like a one time thing to you…” 

As Michael trails off, quirking an eyebrow, Calum’s a little floored. He’d kind of scrapped the whole notion of the four of them being something at this point after Luke and Michael temporarily broke up. Michael being the one to bring it up is a surprise. 

“Did it…” Ashton starts, voice low so as to not arouse suspicion from neighboring tables. “Did it  _ not _ feel like a one time thing for  _ you?”  _ The hesitance in his voice gives away just how shocked he is as well, and Michael smiles at Luke across the table, encouragingly.

“It doesn’t have to be,” Luke shrugs. 

And  _ that’s _ very interesting. Calum looks at Ashton, wide-eyed and intrigued. “We thought so, too,” he grins. “That it doesn’t have to be. Not a lot, not all the time, but like… occasionally. We would be up for it again.” 

Michael nods, thinking over what Calum’s said, and Luke smiles next to him, reaching out and squeezing his thigh under the table. It’s quiet before Ashton loudly asks through a mouthful of bread, “Hey, does this make us swingers?” And Luke chokes on his drink. 

  
  
  


_ December 3 _

Capitol Records doesn’t have any faith in the band’s ability to write a third album.

At least, that’s what Ashton gets out of it when they force them to drop  _ B-Sides and Rarities _ to appease the fans, Ashton thinks. It works a bit - the fans are happy and the label mildly pleased, but it’s kind of bittersweet because those songs were the last few good ones they had, and now they don’t even have those in their arsenal. It’s not their fault they’re taking a bit more time to write this than their last album took. They were young, wide-eyed, and ready to play anything they could. Now they’ve got bigger expectations for their sonic course, and they don’t want to settle for just anything. 

Instead of spending their five year band anniversary celebrating, they spend the night in Michael’s granny flat getting blackout drunk and pretending that their professional life isn’t crumbling apart. Luke’s got his head in Michael’s lap across from Ashton, but his feet are in Calum’s lap. They’re all on a pile of blankets together, but as the night goes on, Ashton knows they’ll separate like they usually do. 

Suddenly, Michael takes the blue bottle in his hand and pours half of a shot glass, handing it over to Luke. “I’m telling you, you’re gonna hate this.” 

“I wanna try it,” Luke argues with a pout. Ashton thinks it might be a bad idea with just how fucked up they all are, but Luke’s admitted to loving the feel of a hangover, so Ashton isn’t going to stop him. “Plus, it’s from you. I’ll take any flavor from your pretty, pretty hands.” Michael rolls his eyes but it’s clear that he’s pleased, smiling happily at the compliment. 

Calum giggles next to Ashton, head falling onto his shoulder as he sings, “Want your love in every flavor,” in an upbeat, jazzy kind of way, and then laughs to himself. Luke points to him after swallowing the shot. 

“Hey! Now that’s a song!” 

Michael wrinkles his nose. “That sounds like that song we scrapped that was straight out of the 80’s,” he complains. 

“I liked that one!” Calum perks up, but his grin falls flat when Michael doesn’t agree. 

“It’s not really our sound though, is it?” 

“Here’s a sound.” Calum blows a raspberry at Michael then laughs uproariously. Michael just flips him off and turns his attention to Luke, who’s moaning about how gross the drink was. Ashton turns to Calum, keeping his voice low. 

“M’tired.” 

Calum coos and tucks a blanket right under Ashton’s chin, patting it slightly. Ashton smiles at the fond gesture.

“Me too.”

“Hey,” Ashton says, sitting up as he suddenly remembers something. “It’s December. The year’s almost all gone.” 

With a hum, Calum kisses Ashton’s cheek. “Goodbye, year.”

“What do you want to do in the next one?” It’s not necessarily a tradition, but it seems like every once in awhile Ashton and Calum talk about what the next year will hold for them, and right now seems good, feels right. 

Calum huffs, “Finish the damn album. Not suck at music.” He lists them off on his fingers. 

“Okay, yeah,” Ashton nods, reaching over a little drunkenly and intertwining his pointer and middle finger with the ones Calum has in the air. “What else?” 

Calum thinks for a long time, so long that Ashton thinks maybe his brain fell asleep, but then he whispers in an airy, broken voice, “Want you to spank me more.” 

Ashton feels his face go red but he nods. “I can do that.” 

They haven’t done much more in the bedroom, haven’t experimented as much as they wanted to, but they’re working on it slowly, and Ashton’s found that when he makes it hurt a little more, when he really lays into Calum, it pushes him over the edge quicker than anything else they’ve tried. 

“And I want a doggy,” Calum continues, like he wasn’t just begging for it. “Or two. Depends how big the first one is.”

“Let’s start with just one, regardless of size.”

Calum nods like he agrees Ashton’s made a good point. He sits quietly and then angles his head down to look up at Ashton from his shoulder. “Wha’ ‘bout you?” he asks through a yawn.

And Ashton doesn’t have any personal goals for the next year, really, but sitting in this blanket fortress, looking into Calum’s trusting brown eyes, he can only see one thing for himself for the rest of forever. “Can I have a five year plan instead?” 

“Allowed.” Calum nods once, face set in a serious expression, and goddamn, Ashton loves him. 

“I’m gonna marry you.”

With wide eyes, Calum points at his chest, shakily asking, “ _ Me? _ ” 

“Yup.” He nods decidedly, but Calum pouts. 

“In five years?” 

“Five years ago,” Ashton begins, his hand finding its way up the back of Calum’s shirts, thumb rubbing circles into the warm, soft skin. “On this day, you proposed to me before you asked me to join the band. I think in five more years, I’ll do it for you. For real, though.” 

Squirming happily into Ashton’s lap, Calum’s eyes fall closed as he nuzzles into Ashton’s collar. “Okay.” 

“Okay?

Calum nods and Ashton smiles, snuggling into their blanket mountain. Calum whispers quietly, “I’m gonna say yes.” Ashton falls asleep with a smile on his face, barely thinking about the impending due date of their unfinished album, too busy thinking about how easy the rest of his life will be when he has Calum on his arm. 


	9. 2017

**2017**

_January 4_

Maybe it should feel like giving in, Calum thinks, buying a house in Los Angeles instead of Australia, but it’s been about five years since they left Sydney, and it hasn’t really felt like home since. 

If anything, buying a house now is only giving in because he’s the last of the boys to do it. For a little bit, it really felt like he was just going to accept Ashton’s invitation to move in with him, but after spending the last six years living out of each other’s pockets, Calum thought it’d be smart to have his own place, to decorate as he chooses, and not feel like he’s giving in too quickly, settling down before they’re ready. 

Although at this point, Calum’s certain he’s spending the rest of his life with Ashton. 

Today he’s looking at the final house his realtor has on her list. She saved it for last, knowing it would be the one Calum took, and Calum now knows why. It’s absolutely perfect for him - big while still being cozy with a modern design and a nice view. He just wants a second opinion on it, so he brought Michael along to look. 

So far, it’s been a productive visit, and Calum’s certain he’s getting his best friend’s approval. He’s only proved right when Michael hums encouragingly through the tour. 

They get to the last room, the kitchen and Michael groans. “Okay, I’m all in, except for this.” He gestures at the wall across from the oven. It’s completely blank, but it’s painted an army green color. “As long as you cover up this paint color, I’d say it’s perfect.”

Calum studies the wall. It is a pretty gross color, he’ll admit, but everything else is perfect - the yard is cute, the grass is green, and the natural light coming through the large windows is better than anything Calum’s ever seen. 

“Okay, I think I’m doing it.” He nods his head, a little scared, but determined. “I’m gonna buy a house.” 

“What a man,” Michael teases, his hand landing on Calum’s shoulder with a _slap_ _._ “And you’re sure about not moving in with Ash?”

For a long time, Ashton really kept pushing for Calum to move in with him. There were many convincing blow jobs and breakfasts in bed to try and persuade Calum into taking up a permanent residence at Ashton’s, but he doesn’t want to domesticate too fast. If they settle down all at once, it’ll make it less special when they start taking bigger steps. He wants to save the inevitable for later in life, for when they’re slowing down and are ready for something new. 

“Yeah, it’s like you and Luke,” Calum says. “I don’t think we’re quite ready, that’s a big step.” 

Michael’s eyes narrow a bit and he nods once. “Right. But buying a house right next to his isn’t?” 

And okay, so despite the obvious bonuses inside of the house, the _real_ reason it’s perfect is because it’s right next door to Ashton’s home. Their mailboxes are only about one-hundred feet away from each other. In the morning, wearing their boxers and each other’s t-shirts, they can wave to each other as they get their mail. He wants his own place, but he doesn’t want to be far from Ashton at all - he’d get too lonely. This way it’s like….a soft moving in together. Maybe they’ll build a little underground tunnel in between their houses, crawling into each other’s closets in the middle of the night when they need a cuddle.

“Oh, does Ashton live around here?” Calum asks, feigning ignorance and sticking his nose in the air as he looks away. “I didn’t know…” He busies himself with inspecting a door frame, and Michael rolls his eyes.

“You’re hopeless.”

  
  
  


_January 30_

It’s been a week since Luke first had the idea of getting a dog to keep himself company since he’s living on his own now, and he’s finally doing it. He and Michael are at the animal shelter, and he can’t stop himself from running between the different pens, greeting every dog and asking for their names even though they’re written on the paper slips clipped to the bars. 

Michael’s just as excited, he’s even made a few jokes about how he’s ready to be a dog’s stepdad and spoil them without the extra responsibility. He’s sitting on the floor surrounded by a litter of terrier puppies, having the time of his life, and he keeps making subtle attempts and swaying Luke into adopting one or all of them. 

“ _Luke,”_ he whines, pouting as he holds one of the terriers in his hands. “Look at this one, he’s perfect! Wait, no, this one.” He puts the puppy down and reaches for another one. “Wait, _no,_ that’s the same one. You should get three!” 

It’s pretty persuasive, but Luke is very determined to find the perfect dog, and he’s not leaving until he finds the _one_. He lets himself look at Michael fondly for a second before refocusing. 

The woman working the adoption room takes him to a few more pens, and he lets the dogs sniff him and nuzzle their faces into his hand. As long as the process is, it’s a pretty enjoyable one, and Luke wants to keep doing it forever until he finds himself in front of one of the last few. She’s huge and bulky, almost all white - some kind of bulldog mix - and Luke thinks she’s adorable. 

“This one is named Gretchen,” The woman says as Luke tries to squeeze his entire arm through the bars. “She came to us about a month ago. She’s three years old, very sweet and social. She hasn’t had the best of luck but she’s a lover.” 

Gretchen sniffs his hand and slobbers all over his thumb, and Luke is in love. “Can we take her out?” he asks, needing to be closer to her. “So I can really say hi?” As the woman leaves to grab a leash from the front wall, Luke yells, “Mikey, I think I found her!” 

“Oh my God.” He watches as Michael scrambles to his knees inside of the puppies’ pen, taking the paw of one of the terriers and shaking it. “Sir, it’s been a pleasure, I have to go.” 

He stands up and follows Luke’s voice to Gretchen’s pen, peering inside at her. She seems to smile back at him with her funny looking bulldog face, and drools a little on the floor. Michael starts laughing and Luke frowns. “ _Heyyy_ , what?” 

“Sorry,” he apologizes through his giggles. “She just looks so dumb. But cute!” He smiles at Luke sweetly. “Just like someone else I know.”

It’s meant to be a compliment, but it doesn’t exactly sound like one. Luke kicks his foot playfully, and Michael sticks his hand in the pen letting Gretchen lick it happily. She then runs, albeit slowly and clumsily, in a circle, and Luke knows he doesn’t want any other dog, she’s perfect. 

When the woman comes back with a leash, his mind is already made up. “I want her,” he decides. “What do you need me to sign?” The woman looks surprised but leaves again, grinning, to get the paperwork. Luke calls after her, “Sorry I keep making you get things!” 

He turns back to the pen, where Michael’s scratching her behind the ears through the bars, and Gretchen’s drooling profusely on the floor again. 

“I don’t like her name, though,” Michael says, and Luke shakes his head, agreeing. 

“No, she’s a beautiful flower.” He goes to kneel next to Michael and coo to the dog, who snorts happily as he talks. “Aren’t you, pretty girl? What should I call you? Rosie? Lily? Petunia?” She snorts the loudest she has so far at the last name, and Luke grins. “Petunia?”

“I like it,” Michael grins. “It suits her.”

Luke gets his phone out and takes a picture of Petunia, sending it to the group chat

 **11:22 - Luke:** **_My new baby girl!!!_ **

**11:22 - Ash: ew lol**

Luke frowns, knowing that animals aren’t exactly Ashton’s favorite, but feeling protective over his new baby. He smiles again when Calum sends a string of heart eye emojis. 

**11:24 - Cal: i’m coming over soon as youre home**

Petunia sniffs his hand and he sighs happily. She’s perfect, and everybody is going to fall just as in love with her as he is. 

  
  
  


_February 4_

The deadline for having their album complete is in two months, and they’ve still got _nothing_. They’re in the studio, and they’re supposed to be recording, but they don’t have anything written at all. Michael has a few lyrics scratched onto a piece of paper, but they’re terrible. He’s not even offended at the cringing faces of his bandmates, because they’re right - it’s bad. 

It’s frustrating because it’s not like this is the first bad song. It’s the most recent of many, and they’re all at the end of their rope. It’s wearing on them more than usual lately, making it impossible to enjoy their work like they used to. 

“We all agree this song is shit, right?” Luke checks in, and usually Michael would be feeling upset at the brutal honesty about his work, but he had no faith in his words. 

“Yeah, we do.” Ashton’s nodding, looking completely unapologetic as he takes a drink of his ice coffee. “I just wish we had more time. Maybe we could write something decent.” 

Not wanting to say it, Michael thinks that time isn’t their issue. They’ve had over a year to write since they released _Sounds Good Feels Good_ , and nothing good has come from it. The real problem is that they’ve wrung themselves out, depleted their creativity by sticking to making the same music over and over again. There’s a reason why bands end, and Michael’s terrified that they’re in the process of shutting down right now. 

“I just wish I had love in my life,” Calum moans suddenly, and Michael glances over at his, nose scrunched in confusion. “Something I could draw inspiration from.” 

When Ashton rolls his eyes, looking annoyed as opposed to fond, Michael asks, “What’s he talking about?”

“He’s mad Luke got a dog before he did,” Ashton answers, not looking up from the notebook he’s scribbling in. “Somehow it’s my fault.”

Michael laughs a little bit as Calum shakes his head. “It’s no one’s fault that you specifically won’t get me a dog.”

“Baby, you can get a dog whenever you want.” 

Instead of melting at the pet name like Calum usually does, he only glares, pursing his lips together. “I don’t know a baby. My name is Calum Thomas Hood. And I have no dog.” 

Ashton groans and leans back into his chair. “I’m done with this.” Calum pouts, sitting back too. 

Across the table, Michael catches Luke’s eye, raising his eyebrow curiously. There’s an odd tension between everyone right now, and it feels uncomfortable. Calum and Ashton _never_ squabble like this, but it’s all stressful right now, so it’s understandable. 

“Anyone else feel kind of… trapped right now?” he asks, and they all nod glumly. 

They need to get their shit together. 

  
  
  


_February 19th_

“You’re a silly girl!” Calum’s voice echoes across the nearly empty living room, and Ashton instinctively looks up. He’s on the floor with Petunia, completely enamored by her, snorting as she snorts back. “A silly little baby! This is my elephant, not yours!” They’re playing with her favorite stuffed toy, and Ashton has to say, it’s an adorable picture. He finally gets the toy from her and throws it, and she barks and wags her tail, running after it clumsily. Calum sighs loudly and rolls on his back on the floor. “Luke, I’m stealing her.” Calum definitely needs a dog for himself, but for some reason, everytime he mentions getting one, he seems to put the effort on Ashton’s shoulders. 

“My only daughter?” Luke asks, looking up from the notebook he’s been scribbling in. “My firstborn?” He puts his hand to his heart and shakes his head. 

Calum nods. “She’s mine.” He gets quiet for a few moments before looking back at where Petunia’s slobbering all over the toy, and he sighs again. “The only dog I’ll ever have, probably.”

All in all, it was a nice five seconds before Calum made Ashton feel guilty for doing literally nothing wrong. He groans loudly, not afraid to let the entire fucking world know just how sick of it all he is. He doesn’t know why the dog is his responsibility, but Calum seems to think it is. What if he picks the wrong one? What if they don’t get along? He’s not great with animals, and this really shouldn’t fall on him. He’s been thinking about getting a lemon or a pear tree, but that’s the most he’s thought about pets. Calum’s enough of a puppy for him. 

“Calum,” Ashton says roughly. “Once again, no one’s stopping you from getting a dog.” But Calum just glares at him and says nothing. 

Sensing the tension, Luke changes the subject. “Look, she already knows how to shake. She’s so smart.” Ashton’s glad for it, not sure why he’s still so keyed up about it all, but he isn’t coming down, no matter how much he tries to move past it. 

“That’s pretty impressive for an overcooked turnip,” he mocks. Luke flips him off but laughs a little bit.

They stay at Luke’s for a little bit, trying to write even one decent chorus and failing miserably. The entire time, Ashton feels himself getting angrier, more annoyed, wanting to do nothing but yell at Calum and get to the bottom of whatever’s making him act this difficult. He’s being unreasonable, he really is. This isn’t Ashton’s responsibility, and he’s getting tired of the pointed looks and remarks. 

When they drive home, they don’t talk much. The radio’s humming quietly in the background, and Calum’s arms are crossed as he’s pouts in the passenger seat. The last straw is when Ashton clears his throat quietly and Calum rolls his eyes - that makes the decision for Ashton. 

As they pull onto their street, Ashton says, “You’re coming over.”

“Maybe I don’t want to.” Calum shrugs as if he has a choice in the matter and Ashton wants to laugh. After everything Calum’s put him through the last three weeks of Luke having that dog, he won’t take no for an answer. 

“You’re going to.” They pull into the driveway, and Ashton shuts off the car, unbuckling his seat belt without looking over at his boyfriend for even a moment. “I need to talk to you.” 

“ _Fine_.” 

Ashton doesn’t wait for Calum, heading inside with heavy footsteps as Calum takes his time sliding out of the car. He waits a total of three minutes before Calum finally makes his way in the house, shutting the door gently behind him. His shoulders are tense and his lips are set in a frown as he glares across the room, and it makes Ashton snap. 

“Okay, what’s wrong with you?” 

“You know what’s wrong!” Calum shouts back, but he’s not looking Ashton in the eye, gaze set on the wall behind Ashton’s head. 

“No, I don’t.” He’s tired of feeling like he’s doing something wrong just because Calum doesn’t know how to be a damn adult and take matters into his own hands. “If this is about the dog thing, I _really_ don’t.” 

It must not be what Calum wants to hear because his arms drop, his shoulders hunch, and he’s whining, “And I don’t get why you won’t just get me one!” 

And Ashton’s officially over all of this. He does everything in his power to be a good boyfriend, always doting on Calum, doing anything he can to make him happy because he wants to, because he _likes_ to, but Calum’s hung up on this one thing? _Fuck_ that. 

“You’re acting like a fucking _brat_ ,” he spits. He feels bad when he says it, but Calum doesn’t seem to get mad, just gets a challenging look in his eye. 

“Oh yeah?” His arms cross over his chest again, lips pursed as he raises his nose in the air. “What are you gonna do?” 

For a second, Ashton’s not sure what he wants to do, but when he sees that spark in Calum’s eyes, that glint of something not being said, Ashton thinks he knows what’s been happening. “I’m going to show you what happens when you’re a fucking brat, baby.” He walks toward him and keeps his gaze careful on Calum’s face, making sure he’s not freaking him out, but there’s a flicker in Calum’s eye, like he’s hoping this is going the way Ashton’s taking it. 

With his arms still crossed, he tilts his head. “What? You’re gonna teach me a lesson?” He scoffs, but there’s a quiver in his voice, and Ashton grins when he hears it, knowing he’s going the right direction. He has the upper hand. 

“Do you think that’s what you need?” He’s in Calum’s space now, their breath mixing, and he tilts his head too, matching Calum’s gaze. “A lesson?” Calum gulps. 

“I - I don’t think - ”

Ashton presses a finger to his lips, and Calum looks at him with wide eyes. Ashton trails his eyes down Calum’s body and smirks when he sees Calum’s dick clearly agrees with being taught a lesson, twitching just the slightest bit in his sweatpants. 

“You gonna do what I say, pup?” He asks, feeling smug at the way all the air seems to rush out of Calum’s chest. He nods, and Ashton squeezes his wrist “Go to my room,” he instructs. “Strip. Wait for me.” Calum goes immediately, stumbling for a moment up the stairs. 

Being left alone with his thoughts gives Ashton a moment to panic, feeling slightly over his head as they’re about to step into these roles they don’t often play into. It doesn’t last long, though. He takes a second to remember that it’s _Calum_ he’s with, and he knows Calum better than anyone in the world. His instincts have never been tuned into anything as perfectly as they are with his boyfriend. 

Besides, Calum’s been wanting this for a while, and Ashton _always_ delivers when it comes to Calum getting what he asks for. This, in particular, hasn’t felt right yet, but now that he thinks about it, Calum’s been pushing for this - acting up and getting pouty, goading Ashton into petty arguments. They haven’t done anything rough recently, and Ashton should have known Calum was itching for it. He takes a deep breath and heads to his room. 

When he gets there he inhales sharply at the image in front of him. Calum’s sitting, completely naked on his bed, waiting for him. He’s got his right hand wrapped around his cock, thumb playing with the head as his hips twitch into his fist. 

“Stop that,” Ashton snaps, and Calum’s hand falls away instantly, staring up at Ashton with wide eyes. He hasn’t said anything yet, and Ashton gets a little worried. He approaches the bed and tips Calum’s head up to kiss him, pulling back quickly when Calum tries to deepen it, and looks into his eyes, whispering slightly to him, “Okay?” Calum nods right away, and Ashton smiles. He steps back, then, smirking when he hears Calum whine a little at the loss of contact. “Be patient.” 

Somehow, falling into this feels so natural. Ashton loves to tease Calum, loves to make him wait, but seeing how affected Calum is, knowing there’s something more coming, it sparks a heat at the base of his spine, makes him feel powerful in a way that sex never _used_ to. 

Taking his time to shrug off his jacket, and then his shirt, Ashton lets them both wait in silence. It’s as he’s toying with the buttons on his jeans that he looks up to see Calum watching him with his bottom lip pulled between his teeth and his hands clutching hard at the sheets next to him. 

“So you _can_ be patient,” Ashton mocks. “That’s good to know. It’s been hard to tell lately, you’ve been whining so much.” He decides to leave his jeans on then, liking the way he imagines Calum’s bare skin will look against it. He walks over to Calum and strokes his cheek before dragging his head up to look at Ashton. “Do I not take care of you well enough, baby?” 

“You do,” Calum says softly, mouth forming exaggeratedly over the words. 

“That’s what I thought.” 

He stands like that, in front of Calum, hand resting along his jaw, considering their options. Calum’s looking back at him, brown eyes wet, cock hard and red, his breathing heavy as he waits - he loves this. Ashton huums, letting go and taking a step back, watching as Calum sways with the sudden movement. 

Climbing on the bed, Ashton keeps a close watch on Calum, can see him trying to look out of the corner of his eye, but he doesn’t move his head. His hand twitches at his side, but he must think better of it, lowering it back towards the bed. Ashton smirks as he settles against the pillows, sitting up with his legs stretched in front of him. 

“Come here,” Ashton orders. Calum looks confused, a little lost without complete directions, and Ashton sighs. “Over my lap, Calum, facing down.” 

In an instant, Calum’s scrambling over, the sheets twisting beneath him. “Oh, thank you, _thank_ you - ” Ashton shushes him and Calum places himself into position, ass up on Ashton’s lap. Ashton runs his hand over his soft skin, smacking it slightly and smirking when Calum gasps. 

“Do you know why I’m doing this?” he checks in. Calum takes a shaky breath and nods. “Tell me then.” 

“‘Cause…” Calum’s panting a little, body shifting on Ashton’s lap as he struggles to find his words. “‘Cause I wasn’t being nice.” 

He’s really trying to keep his head, and Ashton feels a rush at the fact that he’s already falling apart before he’s done much at all, just lying over Ashton’s lap, trying so hard not to grind his dick against Ashton’s thighs. He’s not doing a good job at stopping, keeps flexing his hips, but Ashton doesn’t really mind, can’t focus on getting Calum to stop and doing what he has to do at the same time. 

Besides, he _wants_ Calum to get off. He wants him to stop being so fucking tense and let go. 

“No, you weren’t being nice.” He brings his hand down hard on Calum’s ass, and Calum whines, a pathetic, choked kind of noise, and Ashton feels his dick throb against his thigh. 

He does it again, on the other side, and Calum makes the same noise, bucking his hips down. He’s not going to last long, Ashton can tell, too wound up from the whole day and waiting for Ashton on the bed to finally get what he needs. He squeezes one of Calum’s cheeks and then hits it again, watching it wobble under his hand appreciatively. Calum moans and presses his head into the sheets.

"Does that feel good, pup?" He asks, his finger dipping between Calum's cheeks, petting at his hole, and then pulling out and slapping his hand against Calum's rosy skin. "Getting what you deserve?" Calum’s breathing is labored, chest heaving on the bedding, and he nods slightly, his hips grinding against Ashton’s thighs, and Ashton spanks him again, three times in a row, quickly. "Are you gonna cum, Cal? Just from being hit? You’ve been bad, haven’t you? Do you think you should be allowed to?"

"Please, please," Calum's mumbling, words a little slurred as he begs. "I’ll be so good, I’m sorry, I’ll be - "

"Shhhh." Ashton shushes him again and runs his free hand through his hair, spanking him hard with the other one. He uses a low, more comforting voice when he talks next. "I want you to cum. Cum all over me, baby. Show me how well you take your punishment. Let go, Cal." He puts the most force behind his next swat, the sound of his palm against Calum's ass a _crack_ that stings his ears. 

Calum whines when he cums, grinding hard on Ashton’s thigh, and Ashton can feel it, warm and soaking through the material of his pants, and he groans. He hauls Calum up, manhandling him so he’s lying on his back on the bed, staring at Ashton while he undoes his fly and shoves his pants down, taking himself in his hand and stripping his cock fast and hard over Calum. He's nearly straddling him, hovering over him with just one hand on the pillow beside Calum's head, and the other working against himself. Calum’s looking up at him with such a dazed, sated expression, and Ashton feels a gasp get punched out of him when he starts cumming hard, painting Calum’s golden skin, marking him. Calum whines and shifts a little on the bed, letting Ashton use him how he wants to. 

When Ashton’s finished he leans over Calum, kissing him deeply. He grabs a few tissues from his nightstand and cleans Calum off the best he can, before pulling him into his chest.

"Thank you…"

At Calum's soft words, Ashton just kisses his forehead. "You needed that, huh?"

Calum nods. "I didn’t mean to act the way I did. 'm just so stressed. It’s not really about the dog, not all of it. Sometimes I feel like I just can’t get out of my head." He leans up and kisses Ashton. "You help." 

"I’m glad." 

Calum falls asleep quickly, leaving Ashton with his thoughts. He feels like he’s starting to get a handle on everything. Why Calum wants to be hit, where it comes from. He’s happy he can help him unwind, and if the rest of their forever goes like this, Ashton doesn't think he'd have a single thing to complain about. 

  
  
  


_March 14_

There's some comedy show on the television, Ashton's laughing ridiculously at every punchline, regardless of whether it's actually funny or not, and Luke's twitching in his seat. 

He came over to Ashton's a few hours, wanting some advice, needing the opinion of someone he feels like he can really trust, but he's been too afraid to bring anything up. He just feels _nervous_ about it all, and he's not sure he can make the effort to throw his half-eaten orange away and start the conversation. His phone's gone untouched the entire time he's been here, too afraid to open it and see the subject of his anxiety on the screen, waiting to be asked about. 

Next to him, Ashton's leaning forward on his knees, absorbed in the stand-up, and Luke almost looks away, keeping his mouth shut, but somehow he finds his confidence to whisper, "Hey, Ash?" Unfortunately, he says it at the exact moment that there's a hush over the crowd on the television, and suddenly Ashton's eyes land on him curiously. After cursing under his breath, Luke realizes this must be a sign, and says, "I wanted to get your opinion on something." 

"Yes," Ashton nods very decisively. "The way you’re eating that orange is gross and weird. No one just bites into an orange whole."

Luke looks down at his snack and frowns. "No, for real. Can I ask you something?" 

There must be something in the tone of his voice or the look on his face that conveys how badly he needs to be taken seriously. Ashton frowns and pauses the show, turning so hes facing Luke completely. "Course you can. What’s up?" 

"Okay, so…" Luke thinks it's very possible he may throw up with how nervous he is, but he powers through regardless, knowing that there's no backing out now. "I’ve been thinking, I want to wear more, like. I don’t know." He cuts himself off with a huff, shaking his head. He doesn't know how to phrase it, afraid that whatever he chooses will have Ashton laughing at him. Before he can second guess it, he shoves his phone in Ashton's face. "Do you think I would look okay in this?" 

On the screen, there’s an outfit he saw a runway model wear a few weeks ago he’s been obsessed with. It’s a flowy silk shirt and these tight, almost metallic pants that Luke can’t get out of his mind. It’s different from anything he’s ever worn before, but he’s drawn to it, and he wants, more than anything, to be able to pull them off. He just doesn't know if he can, or even could, if people would just mock him. He isn’t sure he’s got the confidence for it, doesn't have the fearlessness that Michael does, or the body that Calum does. He doesn't know if he can do it. 

Ashton looks at the picture and his eyes widen a little. Luke feels uncomfortable, a sinking ball of lead making its way to the bottom of his stomach, until Ashton talks. "That’s killer, Lukey. You’d look like a real rockstar."

It's not what Luke was expecting, but after the words sink in, taking a moment, he grins, pleased with the response. "You think?" 

"Absolutely." Ashton hands the phone back, and he's smiling. "If anyone’s got the legs to pull those pants off, it’s you."

"Well, I’d be pulling them on…" He jokes, and Ashton gives him a withering look, but Luke grins. "Thanks Ash. You don’t think it’s like… too feminine?" 

Ashton shakes his head. "Not at all." As Luke goes to say something else, he notices the contemplative look on Ashton's face, thinking something over, and Luke closes his mouth. Ashton continues, "But I also think there’s nothing wrong with that. Embrace your femininity. Paint your nails, cover yourself in glitter. You’re a pretty boy, Lukey. Flaunt yourself." 

He says it so very flippantly, waving his hand at Luke in a casual way before turning back to the television, but his words make Luke glow a little bit. He likes being pretty. He might not be ready for everything Ashton said yet, but he’s gonna try on some new clothes that make him feel good. 

He’s going to get those pants. 

  
  
  


_March 21_

With Calum finally having turned twenty-one, Vegas should be full of clubs and bars and gambling, Ashton considers. It's supposed to be a weekend of sins, secrets, and - if American media portrays themselves accurately- strippers. 

None of that end up being the case though. After taking a few shots for Instagram with their friends, Calum and Ashton have drifted off to this carnival, finding themselves on the midway, playing all of the games with the eagerness that they should be throwing back shots right now.

Although, for how bad Calum is at the games, it's possible he might be drunk. 

"This feels very cliche," Calum comments as he tosses the ring to the ducky, and he misses, frowning. They've been at this booth for a solid fifteen minutes, and Calum's yet to make even one toss. 

"It is," Ashton agrees, decidedly ignoring the irritated looking carnie, clearly over Calum's terrible game. "But if you don’t win me that lizard, we’ll have to part ways here. I refuse to date a man who isn’t skilled at ring toss." 

It's a rather small lizard, one that's only just too big for a keychain, not big enough to cuddle (he'll still try to), but Calum was insistent on winning it when Ashton called it cute. Despite it being his choice to play, Calum sighs, resigned to his fate. He fails for a few more rounds, and Ashton's almost ready to drag him off the midway, when he actually makes the shot, falling on his knees in victory.

" _Finally_." 

The carnie hands him the lizard, and he gives it to Ashton who beams. "He’s beautiful," Ashton praises, kissing it on the forehead before tucking it under his arm. "Come on, I’ll buy you caramel corn."

"You’ll buy me _sugar?_ " 

_"_ Just tonight," Ashton says, teasing. "I don’t want you to wither away and die before you’re fifty."

Calum grins and shakes his head as they head towards the nearest snack station. "I’m glad that didn’t happen to you. You look good for your age." 

The age jokes have been coming more frequently as of late. When they were all sixteen, and Ashton was their cool, older, eighteen-year-old friend that could buy them beer and drove them around, they had nothing to do but hype Ashton up. Now that they're all legal, capable, semi-famous adults, they make jokes all the time. The other day, Ashton's back cracked when he sat down at the piano, and Michael laughed for three minutes straight without saying anything. 

"You know, I can revoke your sugar privileges easily." 

Not at all intimidated by Ashton's threat, Calum shrugs. "I have my own money." 

"Not after you spent it all being shit at midway games," Ashton reminds him. Calum giggles and sticks his tongue out playfully. They make it to the stand, and Ashton pays for Calum's sugar - there was never even the slightest chance that he would've let Calum by his own. He turns to look at Calum, who’s lit up by the rainbow lights of the ferris wheel and smiling happily, munching on his caramel corn. He’s so lovely, and Ashton would marry him today, no complaints, if they didn't already decide on five years from now. "I like you." 

Calum tilts his head a little and smiles wider, keeping his eyes forward. "I like you too." 

  
  
  


_March 30_

For the first time in over a year, there seems to be hope in their music. Luke’s excited as he reads through what he and Michael wrote earlier with Ali and Andrew, feeling like maybe they’re finally on the rise again, finding their voices for the album. _Better Man_ is written at the top of the paper, and every time Luke’s eyes slide past it, he feels nothing but pride at what they’ve done, and eagerness to get in the studio and write a bit more. 

It’s been about an hour since Ali and Andrew left, and he and Michael have been lying on the floor, too burnt out from their six hour writing session to do much else. Luke throws his arm back, letting the sheet fly out of his hand and float somewhere else. He’ll probably get up to find it in about ten minutes just to smile at their genius again. 

Rolling his head over to look at Michael, who’s staring at the ceiling happily, Luke asks, “This is a good one, isn’t it?” It’s not that he needs approval for it. In all honesty, if Michael hated the song, Luke would feel quite sad - especially given the meaning behind it - but he _knows_ it’s good. He hasn’t felt this confident about a song since they wrote _Outer Space_. 

Michael rolls his whole body over so he’s on his side, smiling at Luke. “It’s a _really_ good one.” 

“I think this is the first time in a long time I’ve written something from the heart,” he confesses, feeling good about how things went. 

“Including that jingle you made about waffles last week before breakfast?” Michael asks. 

Keeping his face neutral, Luke says, “That was written from the stomach.” Michael just hums, nodding seriously, and Luke thinks maybe they could spend the rest of forever like this. They just _get_ each other. There’s not a single person in the entire world Luke would rather be with. “Seriously, though. I feel like we’re… I don’t know, getting back on track.”

“I think so too.” 

A hush falls over them as they stare at each other, both on their sides on the fluffy rug in Michael’s living room. Luke bites his lip, staring into his boyfriend’s green eyes, feeling so fucking in love his heart might burst with it. “And now we have a song about you,” Luke whispers.

Michael frowns, shaking his head. “It’s about _you_.”

As he says it, Luke feels himself scowling back. He’s not letting Michael make this one about him, even though he half wrote it. Luke’s been wanting to write a song about Michael forever, and he’s finally found the words to do so - he’s _not_ sharing credit. “It’s about _you,_ you make me better.”He pokes Michael in the chest with finality, and Michael grins, leaning in to kiss him, humming a little as he does. 

“Okay, fine,” he agrees easily. “It’s about me.” 

With a smile, Luke kisses him again. They don’t pull away, but they don’t deepen it for a bit. It’s just them, kissing lazily on the rug, giggling into each other’s mouths when one of them moves too quickly. It’s soft and sweet, and Luke would be happy doing this forever. 

But then Michael’s hands start to wander, running over Luke’s sides and down to his ass, squeezing. It would feel mindless, but that’s all they seem to do lately. Michael’s always loved Luke’s ass, but lately, it’s become like a magnet for his hands - and his dick. Luke knows he's gotten thicker recently, his hips and thighs taking most of the weight, and he was a little self conscious about it at first, but he doesn’t have much time to be self conscious about it when he’s busy getting groped or fucked by his enthusiastic boyfriend. 

Something lazy and lethargic turns into something insistent and hot with Michael’s hands on him and the way he’s kissing Luke, deeply and with intent. Luke whimpers a little when Michael breaks away and rolls him gently on his back, pushing himself on his elbows above Luke and looking down at him. His pupils are blown, his lips dark red, and Luke sighs, leaning up to kiss him again. Michael lets him, but breaks away again, muttering softly, “Will you let me try something?”

“Hm?” 

Despite Michael sounding serious, curious to do something, Luke just nods idly. He doesn’t know what Michael’s asking, but he’d probably let him do anything he wanted right now. Or anytime. Luke trusts him implicitly.

When Michael kisses him again, it’s a bit rougher, tongue working itself easily over Luke’s as he begins to undo his belt. Luke helps him, lifting his hips so he can slide his pants down. Michael takes off his own clothes too, so they’re both naked. Luke appreciates that Michael knows that he doesn’t like to be the only one naked, he feels too vulnerable a lot of the time. 

“You can tell me to stop at any time,” Michael warns before ducking down and nipping kisses at Luke’s neck, his chest, his stomach, lips gliding over his skin, teeth indenting it only slightly. He works his way down until he reaches Luke’s thighs, sinking his teeth slightly into the soft skin on the inside, sucking small marks into them. Luke’s panting now, waiting for him to touch his dick, refusing to touch it himself - it’s not his place. 

“Mikey…” He trails off when Michael shushes him softly, hitching his legs up a little, continuing his path into the soft area where Luke’s ass meets the top of his thighs. Luke whimpers, bringing his hand up to his mouth to bite at his thumbnail. “Michael, please, can you - ”

The chance to finish his sentence never comes. He’s cut off when Michael hitches his legs up a tiny bit more, so he’s completely exposed to him. Luke almost shies away from it, seconds away from closing his legs until Michael ducks down and presses a kiss right over his entrance.

It’s completely unexpected, and his mouth drops, nothing coming out until he chokes a gasp, shuddering as his dick kicks against his tummy at the feeling. Michael hums and keeps going, licking gently over Luke’s hole, sucking lightly at the rim. Luke’s having trouble catching his breath, completely overwhelmed at something so new that has his entire body overcome with tremors, but it feels amazing, one of the best things he’s ever felt, and he wants this every day forever. 

“Oh, _fuck,_ ” he cries out. _“_ Michael, I don’t…” 

Michael pulls away quickly, and Luke whines at the loss, then again at how Michael looks. His lips are spit slick and he’s breathing heavily, his dick is hard, like he’s really getting off on doing this for Luke, and Luke might just fucking die if he doesn’t get to cum soon. “You don’t what?” He whispers it, and Luke appreciates that he’s making sure he’s okay, but if he doesn’t keep going Luke’s going to scream. 

“It’s good,” he rushes to reassure Michael, needing his tongue back in his ass right this very second. “It’s so good, please, feels so good.”

With a grin, Michael ducks back down again, licking at Luke’s hole with more determination now that he knows Luke wants it just as bad as he does. One of his hands wanders up to play with Luke’s dick, stroking him softly, running his thumb over the head in time with his tongue. Luke moans helplessly and his head hits the carpet a little too hard. He’s completely and utterly incapable of moving other than to push his hips slightly up into Michael’s hand, chasing after the incredible feeling, needing more and needing to last at the same time. He’s trying his best not to push back onto Michael, doesn’t want to suffocate him, but Michael flattens his tongue and licks a long, wide stripe over his hole, sucking hard at his rim, and Luke can’t help himself. 

Michael doesn’t seem to mind at all, though - maybe the opposite. Luke hears him groan in appreciation, and he doesn’t stop for a second, just keeps going until Luke is gasping for air. 

“Michael,” he chokes, “ _Michael,_ I need to, I feel like I’m gonna - ”

Understanding what Luke’s saying, not needing him to finish, Michael nods, licking at him once more before he pulls back for a second, pressing his thumb against Luke’s hole, just dipping in the tiniest bit. Luke wails, biting the skin on his middle finger in an attempt to relieve some of the tension in his body. 

“You’re so good, look at you,” Michael praises, pupils blown as he watches Luke writhe against the rug with how close he is. “So pretty for me. Gonna cum for me.” It’s not a question, more like an anticipatory statement, as Michael leans down and licks over Luke’s hole again, stroking Luke’s cock with his other hand, burying his face between Luke’s cheeks and moaning softly. 

Only seconds from crying now, just from how good he feels, Luke sobs out when he starts to cum, painting his tummy white and pushing back on Michael’s tongue desperately. Michael keeps licking, letting him ride out his high, before he stops after one final kiss to Luke’s entrance and makes his way back up his body, kissing his panting mouth. Luke can feel his cock, hard and hot and pulsing against his thigh and he reaches down to touch but Michael shakes his head.

“Shower?” he asks, and Luke nods through the cotton filling his brain. 

Minutes later, when he sinks to his knees for Michael, he tries his best to make him feel just as good as he did, but knows that there’s nothing on Earth as good as Michael’s tongue licking him out, lust-filled eyes watching him come apart on the living room floor. 

  
  
  


_April 16_

As annoying as they hype around Coachella is, Calum’s having the time of his life. He’s spent the first night of the festival dancing with his friends and his boyfriend. Occasionally, fans come up for pictures and autographs, but it’s so crowded and hazy that they stick mainly to VIP areas so that it doesn’t happen much. 

Right now he’s slightly faded, dancing around to Lorde and giggling happily. Ashton’s not being very discreet, also a little buzzed, kissing Calum’s cheek or squeezing his waist every once in a while, and Calum loves it.

When the set is over, Ashton presses a sloppy kiss to his neck, and Calum beams but pushes him back a little, waggling his finger. “Watch yourself, tiger.” 

People don’t care about them as much as a band lately, which should be a bit discouraging, but he’s certain they’ll gain their fanbase back whenever they release new music. Until then, the band isn’t too in the spotlight, and they can get away with a few more fleeting touches than they could when they first got together. 

Ashton pouts and sighs. “We can go back to the tent,” he offers, the end of his sentence ticking up like a question. 

It’s probably a smart idea, Calum thinks. Just a few feet away, Michael and Luke have been dancing a little too closely for the last few songs, and Calum’s finding it harder and harder to push Ashton away when his inhibitions are down like this, so he leans in to Luke and whispers, “We’re heading back to the tent, you wanna come?”

Not waiting for Calum to pull back, Luke starts nodding ardently, leaning to Michael’s ear - most likely asking the same question - before they’re all making their way back to the tent they’re sleeping in for the night. They have hotel rooms booked, but in the spirit of being in their twenties and at a music festival in the California heat, they decided to spend a few nights on the site, and Michael found a gigantic ten person tent online that fits them all just fine. 

When all four of them finally stumble inside and the tent door is zipped, Ashton’s back on Calum, kissing his neck languidly and running his hands over his thighs. Calum sighs happily and leans back against him, letting his body be warmed by Ashton’s and letting himself be touched. He watches Luke rummage through his pockets for something, half paying attention to him, half to Ashton’s mouth on his neck. He’s a little out of it, but everything feels too fucking good. 

*****

“Found it!” Luke shouts, holding up the joint he’d brought with him for a moment exactly like this. It was sitting at the bottom of his bag, but it didn’t take much effort, he thinks, smiling happily. Calum looks thrilled and - after digging in his own jeans - tosses Luke his lighter, watching with lidded eyes as Luke lights it up.

They pass the joint around until they’re all giggling a little harder, talking a little slower, and feeling a little deeper. Luke’s mind is pleasantly hazy, and he pushes himself to his knees to crawl into Michael’s lap, kissing him softly before he lays his head on his chest, watching Calum and Ashton. They’re laughing about something, but Ashton’s been on Calum all night, and Luke knows it’s obviously been a few days - it has for all of them - and Ashton’s clearly gagging for it. He keeps running his hands all over Calum, kissing everywhere he can, even while Calum’s talking to him about nothing

“... think snails have… like… worse or better vision that we do?” Calum’s voice fades in and out and he speaks, clearly distracted by Ashton’s demanding hands, but mouth too busy to stop his train of thought. “‘Cause of… those antennae… _hnnng -_ ” The last little noise is a response to Ashton biting the shell of his ear and sucking lightly, and Luke sighs, grinding down a little on Michael’s lap impulsively. He hears Michael groan quietly at the feeling, and it perks his dick up even farther. 

“Mmm, don’t know.” Ashton ignores Calum’s questions. “God, wanna fuck you so bad.”His hand wanders to the front of Calum’s jeans and squeezes his dick through them, still sucking on his ear, and Calum whines. Luke grinds down a little harder, watching them, and then Michael says something that makes him feel like he could combust right here in this tent. 

“You should.” 

*****

It’s been a long time since they all did this together, even since they talked about doing it again, but right now, watching Calum and Ashton practically getting off with their clothes on and feeling Luke squirming in his lap, just as hard from watching them as Michael is, it feels like the right time to try again. It feels like the right time for them to be together. 

Ashton lifts his head to look at Michael when he hears him, and Michael nods encouragingly, feeling something hot lick up his spine when Ashton’s lazy grin turns a bit predatory. “They wanna watch you get fucked, baby.” 

Though he said it to Calum, whispered it in his ear, Michael and Luke hear. Calum whines, and his hands are already at the button on his own jeans, opening it and shoving his pants down clumsily. Michael hears Ashton’s breathing pick up and watches his hand go to Calum’s cock, touching it finally. Calum moans, falling backwards into Ashton, completely melting in his grip. 

In Michael’s lap, Luke grinds down a little harder, gaze locked on the view, body held tight as he tries not to give into his impulses. “You do, don’t you, Lukey? You wanna watch them.”

Luke nods, his eyes fixed on Calum’s dick in Ashton’s fist. “Wanna watch,” he moans. “Wanna get fucked.” Michael nods. 

“Yeah, gonna fuck you good.” 

Luke squirms, leaning down to kiss him, wet and deep and cloudy. The weed is making everything a little slower and hotter, like the edges of Michael’s brain are a little melted. He can hear Ashton and Calum next to them, Calum whining while Ashton starts to open him up, and when Luke pulls away, he rolls his head to look at them. 

Just a few feet from them, Calum’s on his knees with Ashton behind him, his head so close to Michael’s, Michael can see the want in his eyes, can see every freckle on his face and he groans, pulling Luke down to grind on him harder before he starts tugging at Luke’s pants, wanting them off, wanting to get his fingers in him, too. Luke helps them, and it’s clumsy and it takes a few minutes before he’s naked from the waist down and Ashton’s handing Michael the lube. 

He’s slicking up his fingers before Luke’s sinking down on one of them. Michael wonders if he always feels this tight and hot around his fingers or if his senses are just fucked up right now because it’s all that he can focus on. He adds another one, and Luke nods, whimpering on top of him, his hands making their way down to Michael’s pants, tugging on them. Michael lifts his hips so Luke can pull them down to his knees, letting his cock spring out. 

Everything feels sped up and slowed down at the same time, like a VHS tape that’s been through the ringer, and Michael feels like he’s on cloud nine before they’ve even begun. Luke wraps his hand around Michael’s cock and tugs slowly, leaning down to kiss him as Michael pants into his mouth, his brain not knowing whether to focus on the feeling of Luke’s hand on him or his own fingers in Luke’s ass.

Luke pulls away, and Michael looks to the side again, distracted by Calum moaning loudly. He’s still on all fours, but now Ashton’s fucking him, pushing into him deep and hard from behind, slow rhythmic thrusts that look like they’d feel so nice. Calum’s face is still so close to Michael’s - he can feel his breath on his neck, his eyes are closed in bliss as Ashton fucks him hard, letting out little grunts and groans of pleasure behind him. 

Michael almost doesn’t register Luke pulling off his fingers and shuffling up his body before Luke’s lining his cock up and sinking down on him with a little whine, rocking his hips until Michael’s fully inside of him. It’s lazy and filthy, the fact that Michael’s almost fully clothed, his jeans just shoved down to his knees, but Luke doesn’t seem to care, just starts bouncing softly in his lap. His little moans mix in the air with Calum’s and Michael lets them play in his head like a song. 

He brings his hands to Luke’s ass, feeling where he’s buried inside of him, squeezing at his fat cheeks and moaning when it makes Luke move a little faster. He rolls his head over again, blinking while he watches Ashton fuck into Calum, fast and hard, and he bucks his hips up into Luke, breathing unsteady and broken. Luke falls into his chest, panting, working himself on Michael’s dick, and Michael keeps thrusting upwards, helping him on his way.

“Good boy,” Michael praises, his tongue heavy in his mouth. “My pretty boy, feel so good on my cock.” His thoughts are jumbled and he can’t form any real sentences, but Luke moans into his neck and it’s a familiar one, one that means he’s close to the edge already. Michael is too, having Calum and Ashton close again is heightening everything. 

Without the jealousy element this time, it’s just fucking _hot_. 

“Fuck, yeah, baby,” Ashton’s tone is gruff, a deep rumbling groan as his hips slap audibly against the back of Calum’s ass. “Gonna cum in you so hard, so fucking - ” He groans, and Michael watches, dazed, as he fucks into Calum hard and fast a few more times before he stills, deep inside of him, and Calum cries out, turning his head to the side, burying his nose in Michael’s neck - the side Luke isn't occupying - and biting at the skin there. 

Michael watches as Ashton jerks him off, rough and quick, still buried in him, until Calum cums with a shudder. Michael gasps at the feeling and thrusts up into Luke a few more times before he hits his high too, and Luke gasps at the feeling, tugging at himself until he’s cumming, finishing off on Michael’s shirt. 

It’s a mess, everyone covered in their release, the bottle of lube left open between Calum and Michael, dripping slowly between them, but nobody cares to fix it, all too busy reveling in the ecstasy between them. 

Feeling less urgent but more in love, Michael kisses Luke, deep and slow as he pulls out, tugging off his shirt and pulling Luke into him. Calum cuddles into his side too and Ashton plasters himself to Calum’s back, kissing his neck and falling asleep quickly. 

They all do, hazy and sated and sleepy from the weed. This time, though, when they wake up, there’s no awkwardness - only smiles and kisses and a mutual agreement to pack up and head to the hotel so they can all wash off after last night. 

And, of course, the promise of doing it again. And soon. 

  
  
  


_April 29_

The car is tense, and Calum thinks if Ashton sits up any straighter, his entire body will lock up like that. He’d reach over with a calming hand on Ashton’s forearm, but that would only make things worse. And truthfully, Calum’s glad that his words are getting to Ashton, glad to have something to make him _think_ , to bother him until he takes action.

While they were visiting Luke and Petunia, Calum couldn’t help but let out a few cheeky little remarks about his lack of dog to Ashton. He knows Ashton doesn’t get it, but it’s hard to put into words why he wants him to be so involved, why he needs Ashton to take the first step. All he ended up doing, instead of instigating a talk, was wind Ashton up, keeping him moments from snapping their entire visit. 

“Why do you need it to be me?” Ashton asks suddenly, and Calum jumps as his biting tone reverberates in the empty car. 

“What do you mean?” he asks, knowing _exactly_ what Ashton means. He’s not _trying_ to be difficult, is the thing. He wants this to be easy, wants everything for them to go smoothly, but it’s not as easy as he thought it’d be. 

Ashton sighs, his body slouching just the slightest bit. “I mean, why do you need me to be the one who gets the dog?” he elaborates. “I really don’t get it.” 

There’s not one solid reason why Calum needs it to be Ashton, but lately, he’s been having… he won’t say doubts - there’s no doubt in his mind that Ashton’s the one for him. But with the path their on, with them talking about their future together as a certainty, Calum needs to know that Ashton will be okay with every aspect of his life - he needs to feel less out of his depth with everything. 

“I want you to love them too, I guess,” he admits slowly, voice quiet in the small space they’re sharing. “I know you’re not, like, the biggest animal person there is, and I guess I just get worried that I’ll bring home a dog you’ll hate and then we won’t get married because of it and you’ll leave me for a dogless uncomplicated person.”

With a huff, Ashton shakes his head. “Is that really it?”

“In so many words, yes. I need you to be on board and I don’t want to force you into being a dog dad if you don’t want to be.” They’re eventually going to move in together - they’re going to parent this dog together - and Ashton has to be excited about it too. He’s been acting like this is something that’s only affecting Calum, and that’s the problem. He can’t soft-propose to someone and then not co-parent their future dog.

That’s a rule of thumb for relationships, Calum’s pretty certain. 

“Huh.” After thinking for a few moments, Ashton nods. “I didn’t think of it like that. I suppose I just thought you’d bring someone home, and I’d eventually learn to love them.” Suddenly Ashton frowns. “Or they’d hate me and I’d end up resenting them forever and then you and it would drive a wedge between us and - I see what you mean.”

Calum nods, lips thinning with each word that Ashton speaks. “I’m glad you understand. Took you long enough.” 

“Everything does.” 

“It’s hard being old, isn’t it?” Calum teases.

It’s just the bit of humor they need with things getting so serious. Ashton laughs. “Shut up.” He laces his fingers in Calum’s on the center console and reassures him, “We’ll figure it out, okay? You won’t be dogless for long.” 

Grinning, Calum looks out the window, happy that they talked. Hopefully, it was just the thing they needed to get over this hump. But with Ashton’s fingers intertwined with his, Calum feels a little unsure, the residual tension from their argument making him hesitant. 

  
  
  


_May 9_

When April came and went with no album release, Luke could feel just how disappointed the label was in them. The feeling only gets worse when they give the band an extension for their third record. It’s supposed to be a good thing, but it feels bittersweet. They’re happy to have more time to write, but it also feels like a failure, like they finally admitted that they couldn’t do it and would never be able to write anything decent. 

“Okay,” Calum says, eyebrows furrowed as he stares at the black screen, having just hung up from the video call with the label. “So now we just have… more time to write shitty songs.” He somehow summed up everything Luke was thinking, managing to speak his inner thoughts to the rest of the band. 

Next to Luke, Michael makes a noise of protest. “ _Better Man_ isn’t shitty, is it?” he asks, prompting Calum to huff. 

“Okay, so we have one good song and seven-hundred shitty ones.” He rolls his eyes, and Michael sinks a little in his seat. Luke reaches out and rubs his wrist reassuringly. “What do we do with that, boys?” 

“We scrap it,” Luke suggests, wanting more than anything to throw out the predictably bad songs they wrote for the label. “Everything.” When Michael whines next to him, Luke amends, “Well, except _Better Man_.” 

“I think Luke’s right,” Ashton agrees. He nudges Calum a little bit, who looks the most defeated of all of them. “Remember what you told me at Andrew’s house? About how we’re trying to fit into a box?”

Calum nods. “Yeah.” 

“I think you were right,” Ashton says. Luke’s confused on what they’re talking about, but he doesn’t think the bit he hears is wrong. They kind of _have_ been stuck in a box. They’ve been writing the same music for six years now, and it’s really starting to wear on them. “I think we need to experiment, kind of push ourselves in some new directions so we can really get this right.” 

Michael perks up, nodding along. “Yeah, I agree.”

“You do?” 

“Sure, why not,” Michael shrugs, looking at Calum as he answers his question. “We’ve tried everything we usually do.” 

At first it looks like Calum’s about to disagree, like he’s going to slump back down, but then he’s looking determinedly across the table. “I’m bringing back that 80’s song then.” He points at Michael as if daring him to disagree, and Michael puts up his hands in mock surrender. 

“Bring it back, Cal. My mind is open.” 

  
  
  


_May 25_

With their deadline extended, Ashton’s been going through every failed song they’ve attempted to write, looking for anything usable. Some of the riffs and lyrics they’d written got tossed because they felt unfamiliar, too new when the album they were making was going to be pop punk, but now that they’ve have an open-ended direction to head into, there are some bits that are salvageable, and Ashton’s made it his responsibility to find them. 

The band is together as Michael’s house, and Ashton made himself comfortable on the old, worn armchair. Luke and Calum are close together on the couch and Michael’s next to them, playing video games, incredibly focused. 

Earlier, Calum and Luke were helping Ashton out, going through their own notebooks and computers, but they’ve since given up, leaving Ashton with the brunt of the work as they sit around, sending each other memes and Snapchats. 

“Ash, can’t you take a break?” Calum asks after he’s sighed for the third time. “Come sit with me.” He holds his arms out and gives Ashton his best puppy eyes, but Ashton shakes his head, too focused on the words in front of him. 

“I think I have something here,” Ashton explains, reading over a bit from Michael’s notes - _burn too bright, now the fire’s gone_. “I don’t want to lose it.”

With a huff, Calum drops his arms and huffs. “I’m bored. I wanna make out.” 

Trying his best not to snort at the bratty attitude with the demand, Ashton keeps scribbling. “Make out with Luke if you’re that desperate.” 

“Maybe I should…” 

Though he muttered the words, everyone in the room heard them, getting quiet as they all look up at Calum. He’s very clearly considering it, staring at Luke’s lips before looking back to Ashton with a curious expression. Ashton thinks it over, remembering how hot it was when they did it before. He wouldn’t mind watching it again. 

He tilts his head over to Michael and Luke. Luke’s staring at them both, wide eyed, and Michael’s game is paused now, his eyes narrowed, watching the conversation. As much as Ashton would like to see them kiss again, it’s not completely in his control. There are four of them to consider when making these decisions, and though it’s tough, it’s necessary. 

“Not up to me, pup.” It’s consent from him and an order for Calum at the same time, letting Calum know that while he’s fine with it, everyone else has to be too. Looking at Luke, he’s more than on board with the idea, biting his lip and nodding hastily. “Mike?”

Calum and Luke both turn their heads to look at Michael, whose face has been hard to read this time. He hadn’t been a fan of it, last time this happened, and Ashton has no idea how he’s about to react. Michael stretches slightly and leans back on the couch so he’s angled more towards Calum and Luke, his game completely forgotten about. 

“You want to, Lukey?” Michael asks, his voice taking a rough edge to it. “You’re bored?”

Luke nods again, his head bobbing. “Yeah, just to, um… For something to do.” 

It’s a paper-thin excuse for why he wants to do it, but Ashton doesn’t laugh, too filled with anticipation to do anything other than breathe a silent sigh of relief when Michael nods. 

“Go on, then,” Michael pushes. “Entertain yourself.”

Biting his lip again, Luke turns back to Calum, looking down at his mouth. Calum gives Ashton another quick glance, and Ashton raises his eyebrow at him. He turns back to Luke and leans in, pressing their lips together. 

It’s very gentle at first, almost like they both think they’re suddenly going to get in trouble, but when Michael and Ashton just stay silent, watching them, they get more into it, mouths moving against each other a little deeper, letting their tongues slide against each other, visible from the side view Ashton has.

It’s strange, watching someone else kiss Calum, but it’s so fucking hot, seeing him from this angle, watching him come apart in a way Ashton’s never been able to watch before. Calum’s making noises he usually only makes because of Ashton, and he should be jealous, but instead he feels turned on and oddly powerful just watching, knowing Calum would stop right away if he told him to, but he doesn’t want to. 

He looks over at Michael, whose game is still paused and all but forgotten about, and he’s staring at them both, his gaze unwavering, locked on where Calum’s hands are hesitant behind Luke’s neck. 

They kiss for minutes, little whines and moans escaping them every now and then, needy and breathless and so fucking _good_. It’s a lot to take in, neither of them assertive enough to take anything further, but clearly getting desperate for more. Calum’s hands are twitching on Luke’s shoulder, like he wants to slip them down and try for more, and Luke’s mouth is moving slower as he breathes heavily, hips moving in slow circles against nothing, chasing relief that isn’t there. 

Finally, after realizing they’re only winding each other up, teasing each other for something that isn’t coming, Luke pulls away with a whimper and looks back at Michael, reaching for his hand. “Mikey, can we…” He trails off, and Michael nods, taking his hand and pulling him to his feet. 

“Come on, babe, we’re going.” He and Luke leave quickly, heading for Michael’s bedroom, and Calum pouts, turning to Ashton.

“Are we gonna go home, soon?”

Seeing Calum’s sweat slick skin flushed with hopeful eyes and his dick tenting his jeans, all Ashton wants to do is take him home and remind him how good Ashton can make him feel, how good he can give it to him, but he wants to play the game just a tiny bit longer. He needs Calum to be a little more desperate for it when he gives in. 

“I told you,” Ashton sighs, putting all of his effort into sounding unaffected. “I’m in the middle of something.” Calum whines and slumps back on the couch. Ashton can feel his eyes on him as the minutes tick past, and he gives it a good fifteen before it gets to be too much, and he rolls his eyes, standing up. “Okay, we’re going.” Calum grins and races towards the door. Ashton spanks him lightly as he runs past his chair. “Minx.”

“Be in the car!” 

  
  
  


_June 2_

**_12:53_** **_\- Cal:_** _Thank you so so so much for my present! Best boyfriend ever!_

Ashton scratches his head as he reads Calum’s text over a few times, completely lost on what ‘present’ he could be talking about. Or why he would have to get a present in the first place when Christmas and Calum’s birthday are so far away in the year. So is their anniversary. 

He wracks his brain trying to think of what Calum could be talking about but he comes up with nothing. He sends back an inquisitive _‘what_?’ but he gets no response. After ten minutes of silence, his curiosity gets the best of him, and he heads next door. He knocks on Calum’s door, and Calum appears, holding one of his journals in his hand, grinning. 

“I can’t believe you did this!” He yells as he throws the door open. “This is the best present I’ve ever gotten!” He kisses Ashton hello and then waltzes inside. Ashton follows him, still confused.

“Cal? What are you talking about?” 

“Do you want coffee?” Calum asks, completely dodging the question, throwing his journal on the counter. “I made some.” 

Ashon makes it to the kitchen, ready to demand answers, but he’s stopped by something small and fluffy flying past him, following Calum as he walks to the coffee pot. “Cal?” 

“Yeah?” 

“What’s that?” he asks, pointing down at the hairball that looks like it’s smiling as it moves its little legs excitedly. 

“That’s my dog, Duke,” Calum says, voice slowed as if Ashton’s the weird one for asking. “The dog you got me.” 

He wants to give Calum an odd look, to show just how fucking confusing this all iis, but Calum’s busying himself preparing their cups, so Ashton crouches down and holds his hand out for Calum’s dog, Duke, to lick. He’s really cute, Ashton will concede to that, and after he sniffs Ashton for a minute, he runs back to Calum as if he’s telling him he made a new friend. 

“Okay, he’s cute,” Ashton agrees. “But Cal… you know I didn’t get you this dog.” 

“ _Shhhh_ .” Calum puts a finger to his lips and whispers his next words. “I found him this morning when I went to the shelter, _just to look,_ and I couldn’t leave without him, Ashton, look at him!” Ashton looks at Duke, who pants happily and his tail looks like it’s wagging at warp speed. He’s pretty precious, like a tiny, overexcited Calum. “But it’s possible I may have made a little bit of a big deal about you being involved in adopting my dog, so we’re pretending you got him for me. So thank you! I love him.” Calum’s bizarre, but Ashton loves him too damn much to complain. He shakes his head, smiling. “Plus, there’s no way you won’t get along. Look at him. Look at you. Two peas in a pod.”

“You’re a little nuts, you know that?”

Calum shrugs, turning around and pouring the drinks from the carafe into the mugs. “I’ll allow you to say that about me, because you got me this dog,” he decides, turning around with a mug held out in his hand. “Coffee?” Ashton nods and kneels back down to pet Duke. They’re clearly going to get along fine, Calum has nothing to worry about. 

  
  
  


_June 19_

They haven’t had the best of luck writing in the past year, but lately things have really started to come together. Luke alone is losing storage in his phone just from the volume of notes he keeps adding as hooks and lyrics and rhythms come to him throughout the day. It’s complete madness, the way that scrapping any predisposed notions of where their third album should’ve gone has seemed to light a fire under everyone’s feet, inspiring them for the first time in almost two years. 

They’re back in writing groups, only this time, they’re not keeping themselves separate. Luke and Ashton have spent more time in the studio than anyone else in a group - though Calum does seem to tag along half the time, whether he’s actually writing or not. They each have something unique to bring to the table and mixing up their groups is the element to finally creating something _good_ , something they can be proud to release. 

There’s a knock at the door and Luke launches himself towards it. He’s been waiting for Calum for a bit, ready to get into their writing session. Both of them have been the most willing to step out of their comfort zone for the sake of the music, and Luke thinks they could create something pretty fucking amazing together. 

When he opens the door, Calum’s on the other side, his bass in his hand and his hair curling in the California heat. “Smalum Smood…” Luke greets, his eyes narrowed. “My old nemesis.” 

Calum does finger guns at him and barges past Luke, nearly hitting him with the body of his guitar. “I have a bass riff. I need you to listen to it.” He sits on Luke’s couch and pulls the bass guitar into his lap, talking to himself a little under his breath. 

“I’m all ears.” Luke takes a seat on the armchair next to him, and Calum pauses. 

“Imagine if you were…” 

“What?” 

Calum shakes his head and goes back to setting himself up to play. “Nevermind.” He finishes and then adjusts his position, looking back at Luke. “Okay, listen to this.”

The first bar of the riff comes and goes, and Luke’s already hooked. It’s cool and _dark_ \- almost spooky, but in a _really_ cool way. It’s a bit deeper than they’re used to playing, something that’ll probably sound even better when Calum’s set up to the amp. Luke can already hear how Michael would lead his guitar in with it. 

“That’s _dope_ ” Luke says when Calum’s done playing. “You got lyrics?”

“Not yet, just this. I thought we could work on that today.” 

Nodding, Luke takes his phone out of his pocket. “Sure!” He types his password in, heading to his notes. He has a few ideas that might sound pretty sick with what Calum’s just played him. “I do have a concept for a song, I’ve been thinking about lyrics for while for it.” 

“Hit me,” Calum prompts, and Luke leans up - still scrolling through his phone with one hand - to punch Calum’s shoulder with a closed fist. 

“Hit me with the _lyrics_ , Luke.”

“Hang on…” 

He gets back to early February when he’d spent an hour on the phone with Calum, listening to him complain, and he wrote down a few lines that had come to his head. He forgot about them until they scrapped the album, and he occasionally looks back at them every few days, wanting something good to come to him so he can finish it off and have something _good_ for it, but he keeps coming up blank. After hearing Calum’s riff, though, it seems they’ve come full circle. Calum inspired the lyrics, and now he can, hopefully, be the one to make it into a song. 

“Remember Valentine’s day this year?” Luke asks when he finally manages to open the note. “When you told me how you always feel so much pressure to be romantic and nothing ever feels like you’re doing enough? And now you just wished it was normal to be romantic every day and not have one big day where you have to do so much more?”

Snorting, Calum nods, the subject obviously still sensitive to him. “Yeah, ‘cause it feels fake. I don’t want to feel forced into showing my love to Ashton just because the calendar tells me to. The fact that people have to wait until holidays to show their love is why modern romance is dead. People assume that - ”

“Right,” Luke cuts him off, not wanting to have the conversation all over again when it was detailed enough the first time. “Okay, see what you think about this.” 

He hands his phone over, and Calum takes it, reading the small stanza Luke has typed up - _So deep, your DNA's being messed with my touch. So real, fueling the fire until we combust. Valentine_ \- nodding along as he does. When he gets through with it, he’s smiling, looking to Luke with encouraging, excited eyes. 

“You know, this could be cool,” Calum says as he passes the phone back. “Like a Halloween/Valentine’s Day hybrid.” 

“Halentine's Day, if you will.”

“I won't,” Calum denies right away, but Luke’s too optimistic about the song to let it get to him. “Let's try it out, though.” 

I takes a few hours, and they still want it by Justin and Ashton when they all meet at the studio tomorrow, but they come up with a pretty killer song, all based on Calum’s contempt for a holiday and Luke’s inability to hang up the damn phone when Calum’s going on a rant. 

  
  
  


_July 16_

As of tonight, Luke’s on the list of the many people that’ve turned twenty-one at Ashton’s house, and Michael couldn’t be prouder of him. They’re technically the same age, but sometimes it feels like Luke’s a little younger. He’s definitely more naive than the rest of them, but mostly it’s just because he’s so precious to Michael. Despite being a solid few inches taller than the rest of them, Michael thinks of Luke as small and gentle and something to be protected. 

Even right now, Luke’s on the dance floor, drunk off the tequila he and Jack Barakat were throwing back less than an hour ago in the kitchen. He’s grinding on random people clumsily and giggling to himself, not caring how stupid he may or may not look. Though, if you asked Michael, there was nothing stupid about the way his ass looks in his tight pants or how the shirt he’s wearing somehow becomes less buttoned as time goes on. 

The songs that’s playing ends and Luke stumbles over to Michael and hugs him, draping his long, giraffe body all over Michael’s and breathing in his ear. “ _Miiiiiiiichael_ ,” he sings. “You havin’ fun times too?”

Not completely sober, and finding Luke’s inebriation cuter than he should, Michael grins up at Luke. “So so fun.” He pokes Luke’s dimple. “You’re all old now. ‘s your last day before the retirement home.”

“Nooooo,” Luke groans. “I had so much to do. Who will feed Petunia?” His question goes unanswered when someone calls out to Luke from across the room, but he just shakes his head. “Everyone wants a piece of me tonight. I’m my own birthday cake.” 

Michael laughs at the distress on Luke’s face. “Thought you were having fun?” 

“I aaaaaaam.” He’s pouting as he says it, and it shouldn’t be working for Michael, shouldn’t make Luke look so good, but it really does. “I just would have more fun _alone_ with you, is all.” His voice is a little breathy and Michael raises his eyebrows.

“Oh?” 

“Doin’ sex,” he clarifies, and Michael snorts.

“Yeah, I got that.” 

Luke whines at the dismissal, and it gets to Michael a little, the way it sounds in his ear, and he shudders, pushing his hips against Luke’s. Luke pushes back but then pulls away. “People everywhere,” he complains, pouting even deeper now. “Gotta dance ‘n stuff. And see what that guy wanted.” 

“What about being _alone?_ ” Michael asks, not liking that Luke might walk away after teasing him so hard. Luke sighs and gulps, staring at where Michael’s hand rubs out against Luke’s hip. 

“ _Soon_.” 

He leaves and Michael’s left to watch him again, turned on and impatient as Luke starts dancing again. Michael stays at the edge of the room, admiring his body, ogling his ass in his pants and taking another shot of whiskey even as it burns his throat - he’s terrible at taking shots, always keeps it on his tongue and it makes him taste everything going down.

On the dance floor, Luke’s hair gets in his face, and he uses two hands to pull it back, his head falling with it, exposing the long line of his throat, and Michael decides he’s done waiting. He stumbles his way to Luke, who’s dancing with a girl Michael doesn’t know, and he plasters himself to Luke’s back, nuzzling into his neck. 

“Lukey, come with me?” he asks, his hand toying with the edge of Luke’s pants, his thumb slipping beneath the waistband only to pull out.. 

Luke hums and leans back against him, dancing on him a little bit, grinding his ass against Michael’s dick and it throbs in his pants. “Where we going?”

“Don’t know.” And he doesn’t care, either. He just knows that he needs to get Luke alone, needs to get off the dancefloor and out of his clothes. “Ashton’s room, I guess. Wanna kiss you.” Luke nods, and he pulls Michael with him up the stairs and towards Ashton’s room, Michael grinning happily and letting himself be led. They get to the room and Michael closes the door clumsily before he pushes Luke up against it. “Look nice when you dance,” he says, stepping in close to kiss Luke, tongue working itself easily over Luke’s, feeling the way his breath hitches before his mouth gets desperate against Michael’s. 

Always so easy for it, Luke lets himself be held against the door. It’s sloppy and hot, the way they’re kissing, both kind of wasted and uncoordinated, and it feels so good. Michael pushes his leg in between Luke’s and grinds up against him, making a satisfied noise when Luke meets him with his own hips, moaning into Michael’s mouth. He’s worked up, his dick straining in his tight pants, and Michael pulls back from his mouth to guide them onto Ashton’s bed, both falling on it gracelessly. He pushes his pants down and then Luke’s so they’re both just in their underwear, and then he climbs on top of Luke, grinding down again. 

The bass from the music downstairs shakes the walls, but the music is muffled, quieter than the panting breaths they’re taking and the sound of their mouths sliding together, the sound of their hips shifting against the bed. 

Michael pushes Luke’s thighs apart, grinding forward in a slow motion that contrasts so nicely to the way his lips hurry down Luke’s neck. His kisses are biting but the grind is slow, and it seems like the perfect combination for Luke, as he tilts his head back to groan. Luke lets Michael move, reveling in the feeling of it, desperate for it even - before his hands hurry grip at the pillow underneath him, thrusting upwards into the cradle of Michael’s hips. 

Something about the atmosphere, all the people downstairs just steps away, the haze from the alcohol, makes everything ten times hotter, and Michael knows they’re finishing like this, in their pants like he hasn’t done since he and Calum used to hook up. He doesn’t have the mind to do more, and he’s fine with that, frantic for it, even. 

“Mikey,” Luke moans, awkwardly rutting against Michael, clumsy movements that still feel so fucking good. “Feels so good, you feel good.” 

Michael hums, his teeth catching on the skin of Luke’s throat. “Mmm, yeah, _does_.” 

“Wanna cum.” Luke’s breathless with it, choking his plea out as he lies back and takes what Michael gives him. 

“Yeah, gonna,” Michael nods. He’s so fucking close, he just needs a bit more. “Fuck.” He presses down faster, and Luke keeps meeting him. He’s so hard, leaking in his boxers, and he can feel Luke is too, sliding against him time after time, slick and wet and chasing their own relief, a little selfish in it. “Right now, gonna, fuck, _Luke_ \- ”

He chokes out a moan and spurts into his boxers, shivering and bucking his hips against Luke’s. Luke groans and pushes his hips up a few more times before he’s spilling into his own underwear, jaw dropping as a cry of ecstasy escapes him. “Mikey, _oh,_ oh - ” Michael kisses him messily through it, waiting until he’s finished to roll off him, giggling. “Should go back down and say bye to people,” Luke says with a heavy tongue. 

“Shouldn’t.”

“Yeah, shouldn’t,” Luke agrees. He cuddles into Michael, and they’re asleep in second. 

*****

When Michael wakes up, he’s bleary-eyed and his head is pounding. Luke is passed out on his chest, and that seems normal, but when he looks up, Ashton’s leaning on the door frame with a bowl of cereal held in his giant palm. 

The events that unfolded come back to him quickly, and he remembers just what happened in Ashton’s bed. It seems Ashton realizes what happened as well, and Michael feels his face turning red. “Oh…” 

“Yeah, oh,” Ashton says back through his bowl of cereal.

Michael likes to think if he didn’t feel so sick from his drinking the night before, he’d be a bit more guilty about it all, but there a close band - their boyfriends made out together a few weeks back, and a few more before that, they all fucked together in a tent. Truthfully, innocently dry-humping Luke in the privacy of a bedroom - albeit, one that isn’t their own - is rather tame in comparison to how freaky they are as a group. 

“Hey.” Michael’s voice is rough in his hangover. “Is it cool if we sleep in your bed for a bit?” 

“Ah, thank you for asking,” Ashton nods, his tone edging on something more sarcastic. “Much appreciated.” 

Feeling like he understands what’s happening, Michael glances at the clock, only cringing a little when he reads **11:24 am**. “Oops.” Though if Luke and Michael were here… “Where’d you go?”

“Cal’s house,” Ashton shrugs, and Michael only lets himself be jealous for a moment that they live right next door to each other, easy access when they don’t want to be alone. “Take as much time as you want.”

“You’re a treasure.” 

“I’m aware.”

  
  
  


_July 27_

_Monster Among Men_ is the last song they record before heading out for their music festival tour, and it sparks some enthusiasm in the for their future as a band. It’s a fun song to sing, and Michael feels more than encouraged that a song he wrote most of is so well-received by the rest of the boys. It’s the first song he’s actually felt this proud of since _Jet Black Heart_ , really. 

Ashton’s just excited to see the rest of the band filled with confidence. They were in a dark space for a bit, and there’s finally some positivity shining through, the outlook they all have on the future sharper than it’s even been. They still write a bad song every once in awhile, but now it’s more funny than soul-crushing. 

They’re about to head out to Europe, Asia, and South America to play a few shows, and Luke kind of wants to play their new stuff, to let their fans know that they haven’t been hiding away without a purpose. It’d be like a preview into the past few months of their life, a way to share their progress and get everyone hyped - especially on the incredible music they’ve been writing lately. 

The only issue with sharing it early is that Calum won’t have it. He wants the fans to know they’re still creating, but dropping everything whenever, like they did with their first album, doesn’t amp up anticipation, doesn’t really give anyone anything to get excited for. Promo ideas are becoming exciting again instead of daunting, and things are going in a good direction, and he doesn’t want to ruin any plans they might come up with in the future just because they’re all a little impatient for the pay off. 

They write their festival setlist with all their old songs, saving the new stuff for next year. 

  
  
  


_August 25_

The European leg of the festival tour takes them to Copenhagen, and Ashton does some research to find them a cute little breakfast place to go on a date at. It has outdoor seating and fluffy, sweet pastries - it’s everything Ashton envisions when he thinks of Calum. 

They’re at a table, and Calum purposefully had guided them to one with a red flower in a vase in the center of it. He’s been trying to take pictures of Ashton just behind it for a few minutes, and Ashton’s finding it hard to keep a neutral expression like he’s being asked to; he keeps laughing at how serious Calum looks taking the shots, bottom lip bitten white between his teeth. 

When he’s finally done, he sets down his phone, and Ashton takes the quiet as his opportunity to do what he’s been wanting to for a little while. “Okay, I have something to show you.” 

“Is it another conspiracy theory about that lab in Alaska?” Calum asks, eyes suddenly narrowed. “I really feel like it’s not a mind-control center.” 

“That’s what they want you to think,” Ashton says, letting his mind be pulled from the topic at hand for a brief moment. “You’re no better than their test subjects. But no, I wrote something.” 

“Oh! Show me!” 

Grinning, Ashton takes his phone out of his pocket and pulls up his notes app, opening the most recent page he’d been writing on. “Kay, it’s not like… a real song,” he warns before he thinks better of his wording. “No, it is, but it’s not an album song, I don’t think.” Calum just raises his eyebrows and waits, and Ashton starts singing a cappella, keeping his voice low enough that it doesn’t attract the attention of other patrons. “ _Even every time that I’m mad at you, I would still bury that body for you, I would take a shovel, dig it six feet under, swear to god I wouldn’t tell another_ .” He looks up from his phone and Calum’s grinning at him, his head tilted to the side. Ashton smiles back. “ _Even every time that you’ve got the flu, I’m not scared at all to get close to you, I don’t run away when your face says ‘achoo’, but I run to grab you a tissue_.” 

It’s a silly song, Ashton knew that when he wrote it, but it doesn’t prepare him for how light he feels when Calum giggles along. Ashton keeps singing, trying not to let his smile ruin the cadence of the notes, but the joy in him is too bright to stop it. He looks up occasionally at the end of a line or verse, and Calum’s face is sporting a permanent grin. 

When he finishes the song he puts his phone down and looks at Calum with an expectant expression. “What do you think?” Calum sniffs and Ashton’s eyes widen when he brushes a tear from his eye. “Baby, are you crying?” 

His first thought is that it’s a joke, that Calum’s mocking him about how cheesy and dumb the lyrics are, but looking closer, he can see the sincerity in the emotion, and as touching as it is, Ashton’s just a little confused. 

“No, I’m allergic to Sweden,” Calum says dryly. He rubs his eyes with his fists and takes a shuddering breath. “It’s good. I think it’s an album song.” 

Ashton shakes his head, not wanting Calum to think he wrote this for any other reason than to express his love for Calum. “Doesn’t matter, we can show the guys if you want. I just wanted to show it to you.” 

“Thank you.” 

“I’ve never dated anyone like you before. Anyone I just felt like being around all the time, that I feel like I get completely.” Ashton needs Calum to know that this isn’t something passing for him. He’s committed. Even with Duke in the picture, even with them living in separate places and not planning on moving towards the next step for another four and a half years, Ashton’s _in_. “You know what I mean?” 

Calum huffs out a little laugh. “I guess so,” he grins. He’s staring at the red flower where it’s standing tall in the vase. “Out of all the you I’ve dated, I get you the most.” 

“Fair enough.” 

The waiter brings them their food then, stopping the conversation of the song, and they start eating. Calum’s a little quieter than usual for the rest of the meal, his mind still probably caught up in the song and the meaning behind it. As much as Ashton loves Calum’s voice, he likes that he can render him speechless sometimes. 

  
  
  


_September 29_

Earlier in the week, Michael threw out a guitar riff that Calum hadn’t been able to get out of his head, so when he showed up at the studio this morning with Luke, he made it his mission to turn the song into something worth Michael’s effort. It took a couple hours to get started, but when they did, everything flew out of them, the song coming together almost too perfectly. 

“ _Shit_ ,” Luke laughs, astonished, when they work it out. “This is _really_ good, Cal.” 

And it really is. All of the songs they’ve been writing lately have been incredible - Calum doesn’t know how they’re going to narrow them all down to one album - but there’s something about this one that has Calum in awe of what they’ve done. He can already hear it live, can hear the fans yelling it back. He has high fucking hopes for _Moving Along_ , and he can’t see himself being disappointed. 

“Text Michael,” Calum tells Luke, pulling his own phone out. “Tell him to leave the dentist’s office - tell him we have _fire_. I’ll tell Ashton to come over.” 

**_2:32 - Cal:_ ** _Get your ass out of bed, we got fire_

 **_2:34 - Ash US:_ ** _omw_

“Michael’s on his way,” Luke says just as Calum’s sliding his phone into his pocket. “He’s gonna have to reschedule the dentist but I told him it’s worth it.” 

“Fuck his teeth!” Calum’s bouncing around the studio, feeling on top of the world. 

As they wait for the other half of their band to make their way to the studio, Luke and Calum play the song a few more times, and make a decision to add a drum roll in just before the chorus comes around each time. They don’t have a visual for that, but when Ashton finally arrives, and they play the song for him, he has some ideas. They go through four different rolls before Luke’s suddenly shouting, “That’s the one!” 

When Michael gets there, arriving in the doorway with an anticipatory look on his face, Ashton plays the song through with them, and it’s clear that neither of them are disappointed by the song, both looking more and more excited as it goes on until they’re done, and Michael barrels into them, knocking Calum onto the floor and pulling Luke on top of them. 

“Good song dogpile!” 

Ashton settles for sitting next to them on the floor cross legged with his drumsticks placed preciously in his lap. He close, but not in the pile, so obviously not close enough for Calum.

Luke giggles from where his face is squished against Michael’s elbow. “Glad you like it.”

“ _Masterpiece_ ,” Michael praises, placing a wet kiss on Luke’s cheek, and then another to Calum’s. Everything is coming up 5SOS. 

  
  
  


_October 17_

Just as Ashton’s getting ready to head up for a shower before bed, he’s stopped by a knock at the door. It’s just after eleven, so he assumes it’s Calum coming to spend the night, as he often does, so he’s more than a little surprised when he opens the door to find Luke standing there, surrounded by suitcases, and holding Petunia in his arms. 

“Luke?” he asks, not sure if he’s actually seeing things right. “What are you doing here?” 

Before answering, Luke sets Petunia down, and she dives into Ashton’s house, sniffing his plants and furniture happily. He kicks his bags so they’re all inside the front door, and Ashton watches him, perplexed. “We need to talk.” Luke walks over to Ashton’s couch and collapses into it, exhaling hard. “Those were fuckin heavy.” 

Ashton shuts his front door gently, turning around to address his bandmate. “And you have them because…?” 

“Okay, here’s the thing,” Luke sighs, sinking deeper into the sofa, his legs kicking out onto the glass table. “My house is empty. Well, I have Petunia. And a piano. But that’s it. And I’m lonely, and I know you are too, I know you wanted to move in with Cal but he needed more space. But you and I aren’t built for more space, so I’ve made the executive decision for us to live together on a trial basis.” 

“Uh…”

“And I’m literally not taking no for an answer,” he continues. It’s a lot to take in, and with how exhausted Ashton is, he doesn’t necessarily know if he’ll be able to process any of this at the speed in which Luke’s talking. “At least for tonight. That stuff really was heavy, and so’s she.” He points at Petunia, who snorts and bumbles around, getting her paw caught in one of Ashton’s boots and falling over. 

“Yeah, okay,” Ashton agrees, shaking his head as he tries to process it all. “Take the guest room for tonight.” 

“And for the other nights!” Luke yells.

“We’ll see…” 

Luke just grins as Ashton turns, dodging Petunia’s uncoordinated running, making his way upstairs. “Night, roomie!”

Despite his confusion and uncertainty, Ashton can’t help but to chuckle. It feels like too much right now, but honestly, it might be good for him to live with someone. It does get lonely sometimes, and if Luke’s willing to cuddle on the odd night, Ashton doesn’t think he can say no. 

  
  
  


_October 30_

When Luke first brought up wanting to move into Ashton’s place, Michael wasn’t sure how he felt, but now that they’ve actually done it, Michael couldn’t be happier for them. It’s been a little over a week, and they both seem so much more content, full of energy when Michael comes around, both really seeming to enjoy the company. It’s also fun coming over, because Luke’s naturally a nosy person, and he goes through all of Ashton’s stuff without any hesitation. 

For example, Michael, Calum and Ashton have been in the kitchen for about ten minutes when Luke walks out wearing one of Ashton’s old bandanas and holding his drumsticks. He waits until he has everyone’s attention and then starts posing. He looks just like Ashton did in 2014, and Michael begins to think that Luke might just be the funniest of the four of them… it’s a new development for sure. 

“That’s not how I looked,” Ashton snaps immediately, but he’s nearly drowned out but Calum and Michael’s uproarious laughter. “Fuck off, I didn’t pose like that."

Luke crosses the drumsticks and holds them against his shoulder, making a little snarly face, and Calum squeals. “Stop, that’s him. Ashton, that’s _you_.” 

With his boyfriend agreeing, Ashton’s face drops. “It’s not, I didn’t - ” He’s cut off when his phone starts ringing, but even putting his finger up and stepping out of the room doesn’t stop Luke from entertaining them. 

After hitting a few more Classic Ashton poses, Luke pretends to drum with short, quick movements, before pulling the bandana off, draping himself over Michael’s back, his head slumping over his shoulder, as Michael starts petting his hair. The three of them sit together while Ashton takes the call, chatting aimlessly about his haircuts throughout the years, until he comes back in, off the phone. He’s frowning, and everyone’s attention shifts to him. 

“That was the label,” he announces, and Michael’s he feels himself adopt a worried expression. Ashton shakes his head. “They, uh… They’re worried about the album. They think we’re taking too long again. They threatened to pull it unless we can give them a single. Something with radio potential.” 

Nobody says anything until Michael groans, throwing his head back onto Luke’s shoulder. “ _Fuck_.” 

“Yeah.” 

“Fucking _fuck_.”

Behind Michael, with his head still in Michael’s neck, Luke asks, “What do we do?” 

“Write a single, apparently,” Calum suggests. He’s frowning, his full lips turned down in a pout that Michael would usually find absolutely adorable, but now he wants to do nothing more than slap the expression off his face - now isn’t the time for his sarcasm. 

“Cool, easy," Michael nods, glaring at Calum. “Can’t believe we didn’t think of that.” 

The atmosphere in the room is tense and glum, everybody feeling all the excitement and energy from their progress melting away with the news of one stupid phone call. Ashton sighs. “I’m gonna go take a bath. All my best ideas come to me in the bath.” He leaves, and they watch him go. 

“He’s right,” Calum nods. “They do.” 

It doesn’t matter how many incredible songs they’ve written together in the last couple of months. If they can’t figure out a formulaic radio hit, then they might never get their third album into the world. He just hopes their panic doesn’t drain them like it did the first time around. 

  
  
  


_November 10_

Somehow, some _fucking_ way, they’ve managed to _actually_ do it. 

With the clock counting down in the back of their minds as each day passes, Luke’s been in a panic trying to find _something_ that he’d disregarded in their first writing period that was single-worthy, but he’d come up empty until, in the depths of his phone’s memory, he’d come across a melody he’d written on his piano when he first moved into his house. 

He’d thought it was very pretty, but he didn’t think it fit their sound at the time. Now, though, their sound has completely changed, and the melody was something he thought they could consider. He brought it with him to his studio time with Ashton and Calum, crossing his fingers that it wasn’t horrible, and in the eight days that have passed, it’s come together nicely. He doesn’t want to jinx anything, but it’s possible they’ve just pulled something out of their asses at the last minute. It’s the last song they’re writing for the album, and it’s also the first one he feels like has the potential to be the introduction to their new sound. 

It’s called _Want You Back_ , and it’s perfect.

“Did we actually do it?” Calum asks, as they stare at the final lyric sheet. He sounds astonished, like he can’t quite believe it, and Luke understands why. It’s unbelievable that they managed this, right in time, after months and months. Through extensions, breakdowns and everything in between, that this song has come out of it, and it’s really fucking good. 

“It’s perfect,” Luke says confidently. Even if it doesn’t get them on the radio, it’s still incredible. “I don’t know how we did it, but we did it. And the lyrics are just right. Ash, the change you made in the second verse tied it together so well.” 

Across the room, from where he’s leaning against the mixing board next to Calum, Ashton laughs. “Thanks! Yeah, I dated this girl in high school who literally only wore floral shirts, I thought it was fitting.” 

“You did?” Calum asks, and Ashton rolls his eyes good-naturedly. 

“I mean, I don’t want her back or anything,” he says, crowding in on his boyfriend. “That was before I met you, baby.” He hugs Calum from behind and kisses the back of his neck. Luke watches as Calum smiles a little, but it doesn’t quite meet his eyes, and he makes a mental note to ask what’s bothering him later. He’d pull him aside and do it now, but he’s distracted when Michael bursts through the door. 

“Why am I always gone for the good songs?!” 

  
  
  


_December 14_

As much as Los Angeles has become their new home, Ashton can’t help but be happy to be back in Australia for Christmas. Their plane landed this morning, and even though they’re slightly tired from the flight, their families had taken them out for dinner. It was a little chaotic, everyone at a table all together, talking and asking questions, but it felt _right_. In the past six years, they’ve become an actual family. 

In spite of the exhaustion wearing on their bodies, none of them are ready for sleep after dinner, but they don’t hold the energy to keep the night going with everyone else, needing to be alone for a while.

Borrowing his mom’s car, but making Ashton drive, Luke suggested they go back to their old high school. Or really, _their_ old high school, seeing as Ashton didn’t attend with them. He’s not put out, though. He gets to spend the rest of the night with Calum in his arms on the deserted grounds of a school. He can’t really complain. 

“Which parking lot do I pull into?” Ashton asks as they turn off the main road. 

“The one in the back,” Michael points out. He’s sitting shotgun, discerning Luke not intuitive enough to be the navigator. “That’s the one closest to the hole in the fence.” 

It’s kind of dumb, what they’re doing, breaking through the gate to sit on the roof, but Luke had suggested it, and there’s not much else they can do in their hometown without being recognized, so why not? 

He parks the car and all four of them tumble out, making their way to the hole in the fence. Michael goes first, being an instructor, almost, showing them how to slip through without snagging their clothing. Ashton follows, going pretty easily. He expects it’ll be the same for the rest of them, but Luke can’t do it as effortlessly, his pants getting snagged on a sharp edge of the fence. 

“Your fat ass finally has a downside, Lukey,” Calum comments, and Ashton snorts at the offended drop of Luke’s jaw. 

“ _Heyyyy_!” 

“The only downside is that you’re on the other side watching this instead of me,” Michael defends his boyfriend, and Calum rolls his eyes. 

As soon as Luke finally squeezes through the fence, Calum follows behind. They climb up to the roof using the emergency ladder that Luke has to reach up to slide down to the ground, and settle down, sitting in a row with their legs dangling off the side of the building. 

The summer air is cool around them now that the sun’s down, no breeze to refresh them, but the humidity isn’t too much to deal with. They all sit silently, peacefully, with only the sound of the crickets in the grass around them, until Michael breaks it. “See that window?” he asks, pointing across the courtyard to another building. “That’s the classroom where I hip checked Luke’s desk the first time we met.”

“You said that was an accident!” Luke’s frowning, but there’s a bit of a laugh in his voice. 

“It wasn’t.” Michel doesn’t dwell on it long, pointing instead to the front gate. “And that’s where I threw that snowball at you but it hit Calum instead.” 

“Hey, do you hate my guts?”

Calum and Ashton laugh at the questioning but Michael shakes his head, keeping his eyes in the distance. “No, look.” He’s pointing now to a building in the distance with a wall of windows. Even from here Ashton can tell it’s a cafeteria. “That’s where I asked you out for the first time. You didn’t know I was doing it, but it still counts.” He points to another window, just a few feet over, “and that hallway is where I helped you pick up all that shit you dropped that one time.” 

It’s sweet, watching the blush dance up Luke’s neck, staining his cheeks a rosy pink. “I forgot about that.” 

Thinking about how different their lives were at the time is a bit jarring. He knows the three of them were all completely innocent boys when the band started, knows that everything wild they’ve gotten up to has occurred after Ashton met them, but Ashton can’t say it was the same for him. He thinks of them all as equals, which they are, but when it comes to their history, Ashton’s wasn’t as narrow as the rest of his band’s. 

“You guys had a pretty cute high school experience, all in all,” he says, and Calum turns towards him, frowning a little. 

“What do you mean?”

"I don’t know,” he shrugs, turning his attention to where Michaels leaning his head on Luke’s shoulder, Luke’s arm wrapped around his waist. “It’s just sweet that the two of you found each other so early on and never had to look for anyone else.” Calum shifts next to him, and Ashton pulls him closer. “It’s a real high school sweetheart story.” 

Leaning around Luke a little to see Ashton better, Michael corrects, “Without the whole being high school sweethearts part. Well, he was my sweetheart. I just wasn’t his.” 

“You are now,” Luke says softly, but Michael narrows his eyes, not taking the saccharine coated words. 

“Don’t patronize me.” 

“I’m just saying,” Ashton corrects, his hand rubbing on Calum’s bicep where it’s resting. “I wish I hadn’t had to mess around and do all the shit I did before I met Cal.” Calum’s quiet next to him, probably reminiscing about his high school days, so Ashton lays his head on his shoulder and looks out on the parking lot. It’s dark and empty, and it’s kind of nice, being here at night, with no one around. 

It’s always nice when it’s just the four of them.

  
  
  


_December 25_

Christmas morning hasn’t been as exciting as it is now in the past few years for Calum. He’s felt a little too adult lately, but waking up in his childhood bed and making his way downstairs to see gifts under the tree and his mom making cocoa in the kitchen has sparked some holiday spirit into him. 

They ate breakfast as a family, and then opened gifts, and now they’re all sitting around the living room watching old family videos. There’s a knock at the door, and Mali goes to answer it. She’s only gone for a few seconds when she yells, “Cal, it’s for you,” and he looks over, confused. 

He gets to his feet and stretches, walking to the door. Ashton’s standing there smiling, with a wrapped gift, and it only confuses Calum further. They weren’t going to see each other today, wanting to make today for their families. 

“Hey,” Ashton smiles, and Calum hesitantly repeats the gesture. “I’m not staying or anything, I just wanted to give you something.” He hands over the present in his hands, and Calum takes it from him curiously. “I thought it would be nice, kind of a way of showing you that uh, I’m all in. All the way, Cal.”

His words hit hard, and Calum bites his lip, feeling his stomach drop. He unwraps the gift and opens the box that was in it, gasping at the sight. It’s a collar, small and light but clearly made of expensive leather, and Duke’s name is embroidered on it beautifully in gold and blue script. It’s going to look perfect on him, Calum has no doubt about that, but he has a lot of other doubts. 

“Do you like it?” 

Calum looks up to see Ashton grinning expectantly at him, and were it a year ago, were it back before Calum’s head started to cloud with worries and fears, he’d be in tears, crying in joy at how everything was looking up. He’d rush forward to embrace the love of his life and profess how happy he was for the rest of their lives together. Somehow, that’s not the case any longer. 

It started a few months back, after they’d talked about getting a dog, when Ashton questioned for the tenth time the importance of it being _him_ to adopt the animal. Calum had felt better sharing his reasoning, but there was a hint of doubt, something sitting in the back of his mind that made him feel like maybe everything hadn’t been solved, despite their very adult conversation about it. 

It wasn’t until they set off for their festival tour that Calum started to slowly understand what was happening, not in its entirety, but at least a little bit. They were traveling the world again, visiting South America, a place Calum had only ever been to once before, and somehow, amidst the adventure, Calum felt _stuck_. Like he was out having the time of his life with his three favorite people in the world, but he didn’t have a say. 

It was an odd feeling, one that he didn’t put much thought into after the matter, but then Ashton wrote him another song, one that was silly and stupid in a catchy way, and all Calum could feel was guilt at not having the same faith in their future that Ashton does. They’re meant for each other, Calum’s certain. He’s known it since he was fifteen years, but lately he’s been wanting to step back, to give them space to make sure they’re not two dumb kids sealing their fate before they need to. 

Calum’s only twenty-one, for fuck’s sake. He shouldn’t have his entire goddamn life planned out in front of him. 

Everything hit the fan a month ago. Every sly mention of a past relationship Ashton’s had, every crazy moment he’s experienced, every adventure he’s gone on, it’s all left Calum feeling lost. His life, it feels like, didn’t start until Ashton walked into it. He’s been hopelessly in love for six fucking years, and that used to be something he was proud of. Now, though, it’s like all that pride has been stolen from him, leaving him a shell of that fifteen-year-old kid with his entire life in front of him, wondering why he’s so insistent on settling down now, when Ashton’s lived an entire previous life without him. 

It makes Calum sick to his stomach, how quickly things have stopped feeling right between them. But what’s worse, what burns at his throat like acid dripping one drop at a time, is the fact that he can’t even share his fears with the one person he usually tells everything to because he’s right here standing in front of him, waiting for him to run into his arms, full of love and joy and hope for their future. 

As it stands, Calum can’t make himself move. He can only stand in the doorway of his childhood home, smile not reaching his eyes as he lies, “I love it.” 


	10. 2018 (Part 1)

**2018**

_January 3_

The first day of the year was rung in by the exciting news that their label has accepted the album they’re releasing as completed. Now all that’s left is to choose the dates to release their singles, the albums, and the ultimate difficulty - the tour date. It feels fitting that they’ve all collected at Calum’s house, Michael thinks, seeing as he’s the only one that isn’t on the same page. 

It’s just that they’ve waited so long to make the songs they’re proud of, and Michael thinks they should release them as soon as possible. He doesn’t want to wait the entire year to slowly stretch out the release dates. They have the material now, the fans have been eagerly waiting, and Michael thinks they’re ready to drop it all and have a good, relaxed year of touring and playing the music they love. 

Hopefully the fans love it too, because aside from Calum trying to push the release dates to as late in the year as possible and the rest of them fighting against him, they’re all a little bit terrified that it’s not going to be received as well as they expect. None of them want to be the one to say it, though, so they’re all sitting back on the two couches in Calum’s family room, drinking their coffee and discussing the smaller details of the album’s promotion to mask the doubts in their minds. 

Like usual, Luke’s the one to speak his fears, the rest of them feeling too proud to admit their anxieties.

“I’m just worried,” he sighs after Calum’s suggested dropping the tour details the same day _Want You Back_ gets released. “If we announce it before we drop the album, what if it tanks? We’re putting a lot of faith in people to come see a show for an album they haven’t heard yet. And it’s so different from the last one. What if people hate it?”

“They’re not going to hate it,” Calum shuts him down immediately. “It’s _good._ ” He doesn’t sound shakey or unconvinced. Michael’s certain he’s still a little nervous, but he’s not showing it, they all know the album is their best yet. 

“Yeah, but they don’t know that.” 

Michael wraps his arm around Luke and pulls him in comfortingly. Luke snuggles into him, his cheek rubbing against Michael’s shoulder. “It’s gonna have to be a leap of faith,” he addresses them all, but mostly himself. They know it’s risky changing their entire aesthetic as a band, but it fits with how they’re growing as people. “We want to tour again, and we have an album that’s gonna sound sick live. People will come. And if they don’t, we just sell our instruments and work at Sunglass Hut.” Luke frowns, flicking his nose. 

On the other side of the coffee table, Ashton snorts. His empty coffee cup is leaning against his leg, fitting easily with the gap between him and Calum. “You could never handle customer service.” 

“Which is why I have to have faith in this album,” Michael says. “And this tour.” 

He’s looking pointedly at the empty space between his two friends, and Ashton frowns when he notices, scooting closer, pulling Calum in. Calum snuggles into him, kissing his jaw, as usual, but his face seems slightly pinched. They seem a little out of sync in a way they never are, and Michael makes a mental note to pull Calum aside some time and see if the stress of the album release is getting to him. 

“ _Want You Back_ is dropping February,” Calum says, looking at the pad of paper he’s holding in his hands. Taking his bottom lip in between his teeth, Calum considers what’s on the page before nodding. “I think that’s enough. Like, enough for people to be excited and buy tickets. I think we can do it.” 

Of course _Calum_ thinks so. _Want You Back_ is his favorite song on the album. Anytime Michael passes by Calum wearing headphones, he can hear Luke’s muffled voice singing out to him. If all of their fans had Calum’s taste, Ashton would be the most liked member, _Invisible_ would’ve gone platinum, and they wouldn’t have anything to think about with this new release. Right now, Michael’s crossing his fingers that Calum’s right and the single is enough to keep everyone interested. 

Sensing Michael’s slight worry, Luke snuggles into him with a sigh. “If I do end up working at the mall after this, I’m suing.” 

“Noted.” Calum shuffles out of Ashton’s arms, leaning forward to grab a pen off the table, not going back into Ashton’s hold afterwards, leaning instead against the arm of the couch. “Okay, album release dates, we’re thinking August?” 

  
  
  


_January 16_

Calum’s been trying to ignore his fears in his relationship as best as he can, and with the album coming up, it’s not been too difficult. He loves Ashton, with everything in him, but he can’t help to feel like he’s so much less experienced, so sheltered, compared to Ashton. It’s sweet, something to tell stories to their grandkids about, how they’ve known each other since they were dumb kids in Sydney, wanting to take on the world, but now that Calum’s let himself think about it, he’s been dwelling on the ups and downs of life he comepletely skipped because he fell in love so young. 

He’s in a semi-famous band, he’s travelled the fucking world, and he’s never felt so damn in over his head as he does with Ashton Irwin. 

Sometimes Calum gets a bit of an escape. Sometimes, he gets to step back and experience what it’s like to be with someone other than Ashton. Like last year when he kissed Luke, when they both made out on the very couch Calum’s sitting on right now, it was hot and new, like getting a taste of what Ashton had before the band got together, but he wasn’t actually doing anything wrong. 

He’s been itching to do it again lately. Sometimes when Ashton doesn’t sleep over, and Calum’s feeling needy, he thinks about how interesting it was, getting to kiss someone new, feel a different body against his - not better than Ashton’s by any means, but… new - with a hand around himself and his fingernails digging into his thigh. As far as getting off goes, it comes second only to anything he ever does with Ashton. 

They’ve got the next nine months planned as far as their career goes with touring and dropping singles and even the album. They even have music video concepts they’d be interested in trying so they can seek out directors willing to put their notes into action, but Ashton and Michael are huddled together on the couch across from Calum and Luke, working God knows what out. Luke’s next to Calum on his phone, and Calum’s been staring at him for the past five minutes, working up the courage to ask if he can sit on Luke’s lap and maybe kiss his face a little. 

“I’m bored again,” is all he can think to say. It might be a bit obvious, how badly he’s gagging for it, but at this point he doesn’t care. It’s been quite a few months, and Calum wants Luke. 

“Come help us with this schedule,” Michael suggests and Calum turns to pout at him. 

Ashton hasn’t even looked up, and it almost feels like work, how badly Calum has to try, just to get Ashton to tell him to kiss Luke again. “Not bored enough for that,” Calum says, voice low, hoping to entice his boyfriend even the slightest bit. 

“Cal,” Michael sighs, looking up from his notebook and glaring across the coffee table. “At some point in your life you’re going to have to start being more active in planning.” 

“I prefer every day to be a surprise. The less I know about where I am and what I’m doing, the better,” he says, the joke of it taking on a slight edge as he pushes for attention. 

It works, Ashton looking up with a frown as he studies Calum’s face. Michael rolls his eyes and goes back to the notebook in his hand, but Ashton licks his bottom lips, mouth twitching like he’s going to smirk, but he doesn’t. “You’re bored, huh?” There’s a rasp to his voice, and Calum knows him well enough to know he’s perceptive to what Calum’s playing at. 

“Yeah, really bored.” 

“Luke,” Ashton says, his voice sounding like an order despite only saying one word. “Are you bored?” 

Luke looks up from his phone, and Calum watches the understanding flit across his face, blushing at the intensity of Ashton’s inquisitive eyes on him. He nods quickly, eagerly, but sinks into the cushion when Ashton leans in and whispers something to Michael who looks up, smirking a little. “ _Oh,_ I see.” 

“Do we want a repeat show, Mike?” Ashton asks, and Calums feels his stomach tighten, turned on at the power Ashton’s showing just by talking. This is just entertainment for them. Calum gets to show himself off, but at the end of the night he’s still Ashton’s. It seems like Luke’s of the same mindset as Calum, shuffling a little on the couch, and Calum hears him swallow hard. 

“I could take a little break.” Michael shrugs, and Calum hears Luke exhale softly next to him and move closer. 

With one last look, Calum turns to Luke and initiates the kiss. They haven’t done this in a while, but it’s familiar the way Luke starts a little too impatiently, going in with his tongue too quickly, but it’s still _nice_. Luke has nice lips, just as soft as Calum remembers, and he’s eager to please. As Calum throws his legs over Luke’s lap, straddling him, Luke latches onto his waist and pulls him down, Calum going easily and with a moan. 

Even with the small show of strength, it’s so different from the control Ashton takes, but it still makes Calum hot, has him grinding down into Luke’s lap, his hands gripping at the back of the couch as he starts to really get into it, both of them panting and getting more desperate. 

“Look so good,” Michael praises from the other couch, and Calum whines, thinking Michael might be talking about both of them, not just Luke. It’s confirmed as he continues, “Such pretty boys.” Calum hears Michael get up from the couch and make his way over, so he breaks away from Luke to see the determination in Michael’s blown eyes. He kisses the back of Luke’s neck, teasing, “Want you to do me this time, Lukey. Look so hot underneath him. Want you to fuck me.” Luke groans and nods, falling backwards into Michael a little, letting himself be pulled up. 

Calum sees his window of opportunity slipping away, and he needs to grab it. “Wait!” The three of them look up at Calum, Luke and Michael puzzled, but Ashton with a smirk, knowing exactly how desperate Calum is for more. “Stay?” 

With heavy eyes, Michael smiles something filthy as he takes in Calum’s twitching hips where his cock is hard as he’s begging them to stay. Calum remembers being under him in the bunks a few years ago and wishes he would’ve been smart enough to ask to be fucked, to have Michael hold him down and slide into him with his big cock. Michael turns his head to Luke, whispering in his ear as he keeps his eye on an eavesdropping Calum. 

“… _show them how good you can fuck me?_ ” 

Luke whimpers and nods, and Calum sees Michael bite at the shell of his ear before he walks out of the room. Calum slides off of Luke, making his way to the other couch, lying down with his head in Ashton’s lap. 

“Excited, baby?” Ashton asks, his hands sliding into the thick strands of Calum’s curly hair. “Can’t wait to see Michael get fucked?” Calum nods, watching as Michael comes back into the room with lube, undressing as he slides into Luke’s lap, taking Calum’s vacated seat. “You ever wish that was you, pup?” 

It’s dirty talk, Calum’s well-aware of that, but it doesn’t stop him from whining as he thinks of it being him, of experiencing a world outside of his relationship. 

Michael and Luke are kissing, a bit more messy than Calum was, and it’s so fucking hot to watch. Only getting better when Michael starts grinding down as Luke slides their boxers off together, leaving them both naked as hard. Calum breathes heavily, just watching and feeling Ashton’s hand running through his hair, occasionally squeezing at the back of his neck, comforting but dominant. 

At the first glimpse of Luke’s cock, Calum ruts down, fully clothed, against the cushion of the couch. Usually he’s too preoccupied with his own business to really watch but right now, just lying with his head in Ashton’s lap, he can see everything so clearly, watching Michael stroke Luke, Luke reaching behind Michael to finger him while Michael bites down on Luke’s shoulder, moaning. 

“Fuck, your fingers feel so good, babe,” Michael whispers, and it fills the silence in the room, also filling Calum with a sudden emptiness, longing to feel Luke’s guitar-calloused fingers taking him apart. 

The thoughts running through his head hit heavily, and he whines, biting his lip, watching Luke finger Michael, and Ashton’s fingers tighten in his hair. He can feel how turned on Ashton is, his cock hard in his pants and bumping against Calum’s cheek. 

For a bit, Calum’s content to just watch, but as hot as Michael and Luke are, there’s nothing sexier to him than pleasing Ashton, so he nuzzles into it, hearing Ashton gasp above him. He keeps going, his eyes fixed on Luke’s fingers pushing into Michael, rubbing his cheek against the outline of Ashton’s dick in his jeans. 

“Baby, come on,” Ashton rasps. “Don’t be a tease.” Calum smirks to himself, loving the desperate edge in Ashton’s voice, and reaches to unbutton his pants. Ashton lifts his hips and shoves everything down, his cock hard and leaking where it lies on his stomach. Calum licks his lips and goes in, taking the head in his mouth, sucking before he slides down further. Ashton groans and tugs his hair softly, guiding him along. “That’s a good pup. Your mouth is so good.” 

The compliments, served to Caum in Ashton’s sex-soaked voice, have Calum whining, overwhelmed in the best way. He looks back over to Michael and Luke. Michael’s still straddling Luke but now he’s sitting on his dick, grinding himself in his lap slowly, and Luke’s got one arm over his face, panting as he lets out a long, deep moan. They make such a pretty picture, Calum thinks, their bodies tied together, pleasure painting both of their faces. Calum sucks harder at Ashton’s cock, and Ashton runs a hand over his cheek, feeling the way he fills up Calum’s mouth.

“God, you feel so good inside me,” Michael’s saying, body moving mindlessly as he rides his boyfriend. “Love your cock so much. Filling me up so good, baby, _oh, fuck me, Luke -_ ”

Luke makes a noise that sounds almost like a sob, and Calum can see his hips jumping up to meet Michael’s. He can tell Luke’s whispering, something filthy and desperate falling from his tongue, but he can’t hear him - it’s too soft. He only sees Michael lean down and kiss him, muttering something back into his mouth, and Luke’s back arches as he moans loudly and bucks his hips up harder. 

It’s so intimate, and Calum’s a mess because of it, sliding his mouth down and sucking hard on Ashton’s cock as spit pools around Ashton’s base, feeling him twitch in his mouth every time he lets it graze the back of his throat. Ashton’s breathing so heavily above him, his big hand tightening in Calum’s locks, controlling his every movement. 

“Yeah, god,” Michael’s voice is rising with every stroke his body makes along Luke’s dick. “Feels so good, gonna make me cum, gonna cum.” 

Luke makes a wounded noise and nods his head, and Calum can hear him whispering this time, “Please, please, _please, please_ \- ”

Michael keeps going, bouncing on Luke’s dick, until he’s cumming hard, and Calum watches him in awe, watches as his eyes screw shut and he grinds down harder, his dick sliding through his fist as he paints it white. Calum almost chokes on Ashton’s cock as he groans at the sight, sucking hard. 

His own dick is so hard in his pants, begging for attention, and Ashton seems to know this when he hauls him up, off his dick and hastily shoves down Calum’s pants, taking them both in his big hand and stroking them together, Ashton wet enough for them both as he talks Calum through it. 

“Come on, baby, you’re gonna cum with me, huh?” His words are sweet, but his tone makes it seem like he’s talking down to Calum, and it’s too much, too _good_ , and he drops his head forward. “So good, pup, such a good little mouth, was just made for sucking my cock, isn’t that right?” Calum pants against his shoulder and nods his head. “Yeah, that’s right, pretty little cock sucking lips always make me feel so good, come on, baby, want you to - ”

He cuts off, moaning, stroking their dicks together fast and hard, and Calum mouths uselessly at his collar, sliding his gaze down to look at them pressed together in Ashton’s fist. They fit so well together, look so nice against each other, and it’s almost too much for him. He closes his eyes when he cums, images of Michael bouncing in Luke’s lap flashing through his head, and he can feel Ashton cumming too. They’re so wet where they’re still pressed together, and Ashton kisses him hard, Calum melting into it easily. He’s sensitive, where their bodies rub together, but Calum thinks he could maybe go for another round. 

When he hears Michael and Luke shuffling into the other room, it’s with a tinge of regret, wishing they’d stay a little longer.

  
  
  


_January 25_

In the distance, just up the sidewalk, Ashton can see Calum’s mouth, lips open in a laugh as Luke keeps his eyes covered, guiding him down the pathway. 

It’s Calum’s birthday, he’s turning twenty-two, and Ashton wants to give him the world. It’s a lot more difficult to do that than he’d first thought, though, so instead he’s rented a car, made sure the tank was full, and he’s going to drive Calum around the city, spending the night together, listening to the radio too loudly and just being in love. 

With Luke there, too. 

“Why can’t I look?” Calum’s whining when they finally get in hearing distance, and Ashton purses his lips against laughing. 

Luke shushes him, his hip nudging against Luke’s as he urges them to walk quicker. “Because it’s a surprise, shut up, we’re almost there.” 

Calum lets out a resigned sigh and keeps walking. When they reach Ashton, and Luke pulls his hands off, Calum looks confused at the convertible behind Ashton. “Wait, what?” His gaze flits between the car, Luke, and Ashton. “You know I suck at driving.”

“Which is why you’re not touching the steering wheel.” Ashton says it slowly, making sure it’s very clear that Calum isn’t getting the opportunity to crash this car and lose Ashton’s deposit. They haven’t released music in three years - his pockets aren’t as deep as they used to be. “I rented it so you can ride around in the passenger seat looking pretty.” 

“Like a trophy husband?” Calum asks, brown eyes wide and pouty lips dropped. It might be an insult to some people but Calum’s glowing at the idea, and Ashton nods with a grin, knowing how easy Calum is for being treated like a princess. 

“And I’m your trophy backseat guy who is lonely and has nothing to do today,” Luke says. 

Rushing forward, Calum throws his arms around Ashton’s shoulder’s, pulling him in tighet for a dry kiss. “Why are we waiting? Drive me around!” 

It’s impossible for Ashton to contain his smile as he watches Calum skip over to the car and slide into the passenger seat, immediately touching everything with curious hands. He’s a grown man, but he’s always going to be _cute_. Not a single day will go by that he’s not the center of Ashton’s world, hooking him in with a soft smile. 

They drive around for an hour or so, the wind in their hair, and old songs playing over the speakers. When dusk falls, Calum sighs happily. “This is perfect.” He turns to look at Ashton, both smiling stupidly at each other. 

“Good.” Ashton looks back to the road in front of him but doesn’t stop grinning. “You deserve it.” 

Luke sighs from the backseat, exaggerated enough to drown the music out. “This is so romantic.” 

“What are you doing here, again?” Calum asks with a frown as he turns to look behind him. 

“Taking pictures and videos of you for your Insta that I know you’re gonna be grateful for later,” Luke explains, and Ashton watches out of the side of his eyes as Calum fails to come up with anything to say in response, finding Luke’s answer too good, but not wanting to justify him with the gratification of any positivity. 

Instead, he shrugs and turns around. “Send me them, I guess.” 

Later that night, when they’re in bed together and Ashton’s scrolling down his feed, he swells with pride as he sees the pictures from their adventure. All he ever wants to do is make Calum feel happy and secure. 

  
  
  


_February 13_

Lately Michael’s been thinking about his future with Luke, and how for as long as they’ve been together, they’re moving rather slowly. He knows they’re going to spend the rest of their lives together, and they don’t live together or have any plans for marriage or kids or even just spending holidays with their feelings together - granted they already do that as a band, but Michael’s thinking of something more intimate. 

Maybe it’s his fault for telling Luke he wasn’t ready for them to move in together, wanting them both to have their own space for a bit before inevitably owning a home together - but that certainty is taking it’s damn time to arrive. 

It doesn't bother Michael often, though. They spend days at each other’s places, spend most nights in each other’s arms. He’s only bothered when they have plans to do things together and Luke’s an hour late because of traffic… They should’ve followed Calum and Ashton’s lead and moved in next door to each other. Michael could clean his pool with his shirt off or accidentally toss a tennis ball over the fence, apologizing from beneath his eyelashes as he tried to recreate some cheesy porno just for the fun of it. 

There’s a knock on the door, finally, and Michael all but runs to answer it. When he does, Luke’s on the other side holding a basket, and Michael tilts his head, confused.

“Happy Valentines Day!” Luke yells, perplexing Michael further. 

“Luke, it’s February 13th.”

“Yeah, but we’re busy tomorrow, so we’re getting a head start,” Luke explains. He holds up the basket, big mouth dropping open in a ridiculous kind of grin. “Or, you could say, a _bread_ start.” Michael narrows his eyes, shaking his head against the pun, but Luke smiles excitedly, pushing past him to the kitchen. “We’re going to make dinner!” 

Instantly, Michael’s hesitant. They’re not _terrible_ cooks, but they haven’t much grown past being sixteen year old kids boiling hot dogs and burning their hands with the water. Hell, Michael sometimes didn’t even boil them all the way through, too impatient to eat. “ _We_ are?” 

“Yeah!” Luke sets the basket down on the counter and looks at Michael. “And I know what you’re thinking, neither of us can cook and this is going to be a disaster and we’ll starve to death tonight - ”

“Yes, exactly,” Michael agrees, nodding his head sagely. 

As if he hadn’t just been cut off, Luke continues, “ - but I planned for that.” He digs around in the basket and pulls out a plastic box. It takes closer inspection to realize that they’re grocery store cookies, essentially made of only flour and frosting, decorated pink for tomorrow’s holiday. “Six each, so we don’t die.” 

“You’re a visionary…” Michael praises, mouth already watering as he thinks about the dessert that he already knows will taste better than whatever they're cooking for dinner.

“I know.” 

Michael can’t say anything for a moment, too taken by the exaggerated smile on Luke’s lips. If, for the rest of his life, all he ever gets to do is make Luke smile like that, he thinks he feels sorry for everyone else who doesn’t share the same gift. 

Maybe that’s a little too deep of a conversation to have when they’re about to burn Michael’s kitchen down in a beautiful disaster, so he just clears his throat and joins Luke at the counter. “So what are we trying to make?” 

It turns out Luke was very ambitious in his planning and decided they’d be good at making meatloaf from scratch for some reason. Michael kept quiet during the explanation, but as soon as the words fall from his mouth, Michael knows they’re going to be a complete and utter failure. He can’t say it isn’t fun, though, cooking together. Michael spends most of the time watching Luke concentrate very hard on measuring and cutting, and it’s overall adorable regardless of how bad he is at it.

When all is said and done, it’s edible, but not something you’d want to eat. Luke doesn’t even seem too sad about it not tasting great, just excited that they made something together, and Michael shares the same sentiment, just happy to be in the presence of the person he loves most. 

After pretending to eat a few bites each, they spread out on Michael’s couch with the box of cookies between them. “Maybe we can have a food network show,” Luke suggests through a mouthful of flour. 

“What,” Michael teases. “Where people just watch us try to follow recipes and give up and eat something prepackaged instead?”

“Hey, I think someday we’re going to excel at this.”

Michael grins behind his own treat. “I love your enthusiasm.” Luke sticks out his tongue and Michael grins, leaning in to give him a frosting-covered kiss. “I love you. Thank you for my Valentine’s Day”

“It’s February 13th,” Luke corrects. Michael flicks him on the forehead. 

  
  
  


_February 21_

“Hey, I have a question for you.” At Calum’s voice, Luke looks up, and in spite of how casually he phrased his words, Luke can see the tension in his body.

They all have one last day off before _Want You Back_ gets released and they’re thrown back into the insane world of being touring artists, and Calum wanted to spend it in Luke’s backyard, cuddling with Duke and Petunia on the daybed. He’s been quiet all day, and Luke could tell he’s been itching to talk about something, but getting something out of Calum isn’t done easily, and definitely not by pushing, so Luke’s been giving him the time to work up to it. 

After he finally initiates the conversation, Luke lets out a sigh of relief, happy to not sit in anticipation any longer. “Okay.” 

“Do you ever find yourself feeling kind of…” Calum trails off for a moment, hands toying with Petunia’s short ears, avoiding Luke’s eyes. “Do you ever feel inadequate in your relationship?” 

Unable to keep himself from frowning, a little lost, Luke presses, “What do you mean?” 

“No,” Calum shakes his head like he’s shaking the moment from happening. Petunia huffs at the sudden movement, and Calum calms her with more pets. “That’s not the right word. I mean, like, less experienced.” 

“I mean yeah,” Luke answers, snorting a little with it. “I _am_.” In his head, he pictures the time he walked in on Calum and Michael together on the tour bus, he remembers finding out that Michael slept with Ashton. Luke doesn’t have any experience outside of Michael. He’s the least experienced one in the entire band, that’s not a secret. 

“Yeah, but does it ever bother you?” Calum asks. Luke can hear the shakiness to his voice, very subtle, hardly noticeable at all, but something seems wrong, and Luke finds himself sitting up straighter. “That Michael’s been with other people, and you haven’t? Do you ever feel like he has this whole separate life aside from your relationship that you never got to have?” 

The question is phrased just a little too specifically, and Luke frowns, not sure why this is all coming out and why Calum sounds so hurt about it. “I’ve never thought of it as something I didn’t ‘get to have’, no. I don’t want it, I just want _him_.”

“You’re never curious? What it would be like to be in a different relationship?” 

It’s complicated, Luke thinks for the first time in his entire life, being such close friends with his band. Luke’s been friends with Calum longer than he’s been friends with the other two, and he feels like his loyalties should lie there, but as he thinks about the questions Calum’s asking, about the pain in his voice, he wants to yell. Ashton’s entire world is Calum, but if Calum’s wondering about all this, if he’s sounding so pinched just talking, Luke can’t help but wonder if Calum wants to be in a different relationship, and the thought of that makes him want to smack some sense into his oldest friend. 

He holds his breath before asking, “Calum, is something wrong with you and Ashton?” 

“No!” Calum says, sitting up. Petunia gets impatient with the movements and climbs away from Calum with a sigh, curling herself at the foot of the daybed. Calum starts petting Duke instead, who's snuggled closer to him now that they're alone. “No, nothing’s wrong, _really_.” 

But Luke isn’t completely convinced. He sounds sincere, but his phrasing was so specific and personal, that it’s the only possibility Luke can come up with aside from Michael having talked to Calum, thinking _Luke_ ’s mind was wandering. If that’s that’s case, then Luke thinks he should really make his standing clear - “I have everything I could possibly want with Michael. I can’t say I’ve never wondered what it would be like to be with someone else, but whenever I do, I always come up with the same answer. It would be shit.” Calum shrugs, but Luke isn’t done. “Besides, it wasn’t really a whole separate life from me, was it? He loved me from the beginning. And I loved him. That’s not going to change.” 

“Is that all it takes, though?” Calum’s voice is quiet, unsure. 

“What do you mean?” 

Calum groans and puts his head in his hands. “I don’t know. Forget it.” At first, Luke isn’t going to forget it, wants to insist they talk this out, but then, under his breath, Calum continues, “ _Maybe it would be different if we were always on the same page too_.” As much as Luke wants to know what he means by it, he gets the sense that he wasn’t meant to overhear it. 

Later that night, long after Calum’s left, and it’s just Luke and Petunia, snuggled together in bed, Luke’s mind is racing, trying to wrap his head around what Calum was asking him, hoping to find an answer hidden in there but unable to come up with a conclusion. 

  
  
  


_March 10_

Getting back into the swing of things, with the interviews and performances and constant attention from people he feels obligated to give it to even when he’s already feeling down, is fucking difficult. Calum’s been on edge for the past month, it feels like, and he’s taking it out on all the wrong people. 

Today’s been particularly rough, and he knows Ashton can sense it with the way he keeps putting his hand comfortingly on Calum’s leg. It’s a nice gesture, but even with all of the placating in the world, it doesn’t work to settle the tenseness of Calum’s bones. He’s somehow exhausted and keyed up at the same time, and he knows he’s being a brat with all of his snappy comments. It’s not intentional, but he doesn’t know what to do with himself. 

It all gets too much for him, after an interview went on a little too long and the stagehand made a few too many passes at them as a band, and Calum’s ready to fucking punch something. Luke’s been laughing next to him for the past five minutes, working his own tension off in a way far more productive than Calum’s taken too, and it makes him snap. 

“Shut the fuck _up_ , Luke,” he bites, not caring when Luke’s face drops, off guard and hurt by Calum’s undeserved temper. “I don’t want to hear your fucking voice anymore. I can’t believe you’re the lead singer when you sound like a dying cat just talking.” 

Luke’s lips are parted, eyes a little wet because of _course_ he’s crying at the insult, and maybe Calum should apologize, but he’s too restless, too unsettled right now to really give a fuck. Ashton, on the other hand, doesn’t share the same sentiment, dragging Calum off set, leaving a pouting Luke with a furious Michael, and taking them down the hallway. 

“Why - ” Calum doesn’t get to finish his question. 

After he says the first word, Ashton’s pulling them into a closet. The door slams behind them, and a heavy palm comes down on Calum’s shoulder, shoving him to his knees. “You need to watch your fucking mouth.” 

And of _course_ Ashton would know exactly what Calum needs, would sense how his fidgeting and his attitude translated into needing to be let out of his head. He sends a mental thank you to the heavens and waits, full of anticipation, while Ashton unbuttons his pants and guides Calum’s head to his dick. It’s not even fully hard yet, but it’s getting there, and Calum knows Ashton gets off on controlling him now almost as much as Calum does, so it shouldn’t take long at all. 

As his lips touch the head, Calum takes him into his mouth gratefully, trying not to be loud when he moans at the first taste. Ashton exhales shakily as Calum starts sucking, running his hands through Calum’s thick hair. “That’s it, baby. Just take it.” 

And he does, looking up at Ashton through his lashes, feeling his body relax as Ashton just uses his mouth like it’s all he’s good for. When he starts thrusting his hips slowly, Calum whines high in his throat, closing his eyes and letting his mind go blank. All the stress of the day bleeds out of his body as he just focuses on Ashton, listens to his words and the sound of his voice, the feeling of his cock filling up his mouth so perfectly, the ache in his knees a happy distraction from the tough month they’ve had.

“Yeah, you fucking love this, don’t you?” Ashton’s voice is s quiet, almost a whisper, because of the people milling around right outside the door, and Calum moans softly at his words, because he really does, he loves it so fucking much. “Yeah you do. Love getting fucked, love this cock. You’re such a little slut for me, aren’t you?” Calum whines, and Ashton’s hand tightens his hair, forcing him down further. “Gotta be quiet, pup. Can’t have anyone hear us, can we? Don’t want anyone to know how easily you drop to your knees, do you?” Calum keens, sucking down as best he can when Ashton’s thrusting harder into his mouth. 

Outside the door, he can hear people milling about, producers talking about the next interview, interns rattling off coffee orders - it makes his head spin. He thinks about someone walking in, seeing him on his knees, getting his face fucked. He wonders if they’d think he looked good, if they’d want him too. 

Ashton’s trying to keep it together above him, panting and letting out tiny accidental moans as he fucks his hips forward, and Calum looks up at him with pleading eyes. Ashton swears, and his hips go a little faster until he releases into Calum’s mouth with a whimper, biting his fist with one hand and tightening his grip in Calum’s hair with the other, fist so tight it makes Calum sees stars as he tries to swallow down everything Ashton gives him. 

_“Fuck - ”_ Some cum falls down Calum’s chin, but he doesn’t dare wipe it away. He swallows around Ashton and waits a moment until Ashton pulls out and drags Calum to his feet to kiss him, tongue collecting the runaway release on the way. Calum feels boneless, like he’s the one who just came, and Ashton holds him close for a moment. “You’re so good, baby. You feel okay?” 

“Feel better,” Calum says honestly. “Thank you.” Ashton kisses him gently and nudges their noses together, reaching down for Calum’s zipper, but Calum stops him. “Later? I wanna wait.” 

He finds himself not needing to get off right away, letting Ashton take control feeling like enough for right now, relaxing him enough. He thinks if he came right now he might fall asleep during their last interview anyway. 

As he hums his agreement, Ashton runs a finger along his lips. “So pretty after you suck me.” Calum glows at the compliment, only burning brighter when Ashton gets his phone out and snaps a picture of his bruised lips, kissing them one last time before they stumble out of the closet, thankfully alone in the hallway now. 

Calum posts the picture on his Instagram later on, proud of people being able to see what his mouth looks like when it’s just been used.

  
  
  


_March 23_

“You look nice today,” Michael says, petting Luke’s hair absentmindedly. 

They’re in Belgium, playing the second show of their _III_ tour, and wasting time is a lot harder than it has any right being. The two of them have been backstage for the past hour and a half playing Twenty Questions as they wait for Calum and Ashton to get to the venue. They had to stop playing, though, when Micahel realized how bad Luke is at the game - the last four items he chose were all fruits, and maybe Luke’s just the kind of guy that’s pretty and not super clever, and that’s okay. 

After a little bit, Andy took some photos of them to document the tour when Luke complained they didn’t have enough of just the two of them - he records videos every night too - but it’s boring without the other two, so Luke they stopped overthinking then, Luke plopping down onto the couch with his head in Michael’s lap. He’s wearing a red silk shirt and tight trousers, his hair fanned out like a halo around his head, and Michael, like always, feels the need to say something.

Luke smiles, blushing a bit with it. “Thanks.” 

“I like this.” Michael runs his hand along the shoulder of Luke’s silk shirt. 

“It’s not too much?” 

The idea that anything would ever be _too much_ for Luke Hemmings is ridiculous. “It’s beautiful. It suits you.” 

Luke looked cute in the black skinnies and band shirts, an adorable little punk rock baby, but he’s got this ethereal type of beauty that the clothes he’s been wearing more recently suit better. He deserves them, deserves to feel as beautiful as he is. Luke seems pleased at the compliment and Michael snuggles further into him, taking his hands in his own. Running his fingers over the rings Luke’s wearing, he finds his mind wandering to what Luke would look like with a gold band around his ring finger, and he gets butterflies. 

“You’ve been more into jewelry lately, huh?” His voice is a bit choked, but Luke doesn’t seem to notice, only hums and nods, letting Michael play with his fingers a little more. “If, hypothetically, someone wanted to get you a present, what do you think you’d be most excited to get?”

From underneath his eyelashes, Luke’s baby blue eyes shine up at him as he grins. “How do you feel about chokers?” And _fuck_ , the thought of Luke’s pretty, pale neck wrapped in tight fabric, something leather or lace - maybe a bit of both - has Michael’s throat dry and his fingers tensing at Luke’s roots. 

“I feel very, _very_ good about chokers.” 

“Me too,” Luke agrees quietly, nodding as best as he can with his head being held semi-still in Michael’s loose grip. 

After keeping his eyes on Michael’s for a beat too long, he fiddles around with his phone and Michael watches him put a filter on the photo Andy just took of them, captioning it ‘ _Muke’_. He posts it, and Michael kisses the top of his head. 

Now that he’s got the idea of the ring in his head, it’s hard to get out. 

  
  
  


_March 25_

It’s been a long day in the hotel suite, and Calum’s ready for bed. Ashton’s been talking all night, thoughts flitting back and forth between so many different things, but Calum’s been in a more quiet mood, finding himself tuning out most of what Ashton’s saying as he cleans up their dinner dishes, humming at the sink.

“Muke’s _trending,_ Cal,” Ashton’s voice booms in the kitchen, and Calum jumps a bit, the spoon he’s cleaning falling out of his hand. “We have to post something and beat them.” 

“Beat them?”

“Yeah,” Ashton nods, walking closer but keeping his gaze down at his phone. “You know, prove that we’re cuter. More marketable.” 

The thought being _cuter_ than their two best friends is the most important issue in their relationship right now makes Calum snort. “Because that’s so important.” His voice is dry, a little annoyed, but Ashton doesn’t seem to sense it, coming up behind Calum and hugging his arms around Calum’s waist. 

“Okay, no,” he sighs. “It’s not. But I wanna one up them. We’re the best couple.” He lays a kiss on Calum’s neck, making him tense up at the sound, feeling too overwhelmed by everything suddenly. “The best there ever was.” 

Too caught up with everything, thoughts running too fast to stop them, Calum isn’t even thinking when he replies, “I wouldn’t know.” He puts the plate he’s rinsing off into the dish drainer with a little too much force, and Ashton still behind him. 

“I guess not,” he chuckles. “Are you okay?”

“Yes,” Calum says automatically, furrowing his eyebrows as he scrubs at the pan in his hand. “No.” 

“Baby, what’s wrong?” The nickname cuts deep, and Calum hates that he’s using it when Calum’s mind is so stuck on how uncomfortable he feels, thinking what he’s thinking. The feeling of inadequacy has been building for months, and Ashton caring the way he does only makes guilt stick in the back of Calum’s throat. He doesn’t say anything, doesn’t even know if he _wants_ to say anything right now, but Ashton persists. “Cal. What’s going on?” 

He drops the pan loudly and sighs, turning to Ashton who’s looking at him, worried. “Are we making a mistake?” 

“What do you mean?” 

A part of Calum feels like if he chokes everything down, he can move past his doubt, but he and Ashton have never worked like that. They talk things out, they think logically, that’s just who they are. They don’t have screaming fights and they don’t let things lie unspoken of - they're levelheaded, if not a little emotional, and as much as he fucking _hates_ this, he knows he needs to get everything out. 

“I mean…” Calum says through the lump in his throat, his palms rubbing a little too roughly against his eyes. “Are we moving too fast? You and I?” 

“Cal, I don’t get it.” Ashton looks really worried now, staring at Calum with such a hesitant expression. “What are you talking about?” 

“Fuck. I don’t - hang on.” He turns around, shutting the faucet off and taking a deep breath. When he turns back around, Ashton is waiting patiently, nervously, for him to speak again. “I’m scared,” Calum admits. “That we’re rushing into something we’re not ready for. Or, that I’m not ready for. Ash, I haven’t ever been with anyone else. I just jumped right into this with you, I don’t know what I’m doing.”

Staying quiet for a moment, Ashton looks at Calum, no expression on his face, and Calum looks back, nose scrunched as he waits. He feels guilty, knows it must not be great to hear, but he means everything he’s said, and he _has_ to say it. 

“You think this was… a mistake.” 

It’s not a question, but Calum shakes his head urgently. Ashton’s got everything all wrong. “No, god, I shouldn’t have said that. I don’t, I just. I don’t feel like I have enough… experience to settle down.” 

“Experience…” Ashton chokes out, and Calum nods. “You want to… you don’t want to be with me anymore? You… did you meet someone or something?” His voice is strained and Calum can tell he’s trying not to fall apart. 

“No, god, no, Ash, I _love_ you, I do, that’s not what this is - ”

“Then I don’t get it, what are you saying?” Suddenly Ashton’s voice takes on a sharp edge. If Calum were anybody else, he’d feel himself getting angry in defense, but Ashton’s the most important person in his life, and has been for many many years, and Calum knows that this is his last ditch effort to save from breaking down. “You love me but you don’t want to be with me? Am I doing something wrong? Tell me what it is, I swear I’ll fix it, I will - ”

Calum shakes his head, cutting Ashtons plea off, feeling a bit like he’s dying at the pain in his voice. This is something that needs to be done, and if Ashton takes everything on his shoulders, starts doubting _himself_ , Calum thinks he might just take everything back. “No, you’re perfect, it’s not that at _all_.” Ashton looks lost, staring at Calum with such a heartbreaking expression, and Calum looks away, unable to look in his eyes. “I think. I just think I need some space. A break. To figure myself out. I think we need a break.” 

He’s met with silence, and when Calum spares a look, he sees mist covered hazel eyes and a quivering bottom lip. The sound of glass shattering echoes in his chest. “You’re… you’re breaking up with me?”

It’s not what Calum wanted at first, but thinking about it now, thinking about the good it will do them, Calum nods at the floor. The noise Ashton makes, small and broken, has Calum wanting to say it’s all a joke, that he never needs space, but… they need this. 

Ashton takes a shuddering breath. “Okay.” 

“Ashton, I’m so - ”

Shaking his head to cut off Calum’s apology, Ashton speaks, choked and rough, “Can you please room with Michael tonight?” Calum watches him wipe a tear from his eye, and he nods, understanding that it’ll only hurt them both if Calum sticks around. 

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll go.” He grabs his phone and journal and goes to the door. “Ash, really, I’m so sorry, I don’t know what to say.” 

Ashton just nods at the floor, and Calum slips out of the room. His mind feels cloudy, like all of that was a dream, and it didn’t actually happen. Part of him wishes it hadn’t, but he knows if he hadn’t done it, it would always be at the back of his mind, he’d always wonder if he was doing the right thing. He loves Ashton with all his heart, but he needs to make sure he’s not rushing his whole life for the only person he’s ever been with.

Michael and Luke are just down the hall, and when Calum gets there, he knocks on the door a little louder than necessary. Michael answers, and Calum walks in with lead feet. Luke’s lying on the bed with his headphones in, but he takes them out when he looks at Calum’s face. 

“What’s up with you?” Michael asks. 

“I, um.” His tongue is cotton in his mouth, impossible to move and making it difficult to admit to everything that’s just happened. “I just broke up with Ashton.” 

Michael snorts, chuckling at him, but it dies when Calum doesn’t look him in the eye, doesn’t laugh back. “...Cal?” But Calum doesn’t answer. 

“Fuck,” Luke breathes.

Calum can’t bear to look either of them in their eyes, to face the reality of what he’s done. He doesn’t want to see either of their reactions, and Luke makes it easy by jumping off the bed and pushing past Calum to make his way out of the room. 

The door slams behind him, and Calum feels too drained to even jump at the surprise. 

Michael doesn’t say anything as Calum goes to Luke’s bed and sits down, and Calum’s grateful for it. He isn't even done processing everything himself, so he’s definitely not ready to lay it all out and discuss everything. He lays down on his side quietly and let’s Michael stare at him and think whatever he’s thinking. 

*****

The door to Luke’s own room hasn’t even slammed shut before his fists are pounding on Ashton’s. 

Thinking back to a month ago, Luke remembers Calum laying on the daybed in Luke’s backyard, asking questions about feeling out of his depth in his relationship. If Luke had known, back then, that those thoughts weren’t fleeting, that there was serious doubt lying there and threatening his relationship with Ashton, he likes to think he’d have been better to talk to, that maybe he could’ve prevented this and saved Ashton’s heart from breaking. 

“Ashton, answer the door,” Luke shouts when his knocking is met with silence. “It’s me.” 

Only a few moments later, the door is opened and Ashton’s wiping his eyes, turning before he speaks to sit down on his bed. “I want to be alone.” But when Luke goes to sit next to him, Ashton all but collapses into his arms, sobbing. Ashton _never_ wants to be alone, and Luke’s not letting him be alone now. 

“Ash, it’ll be okay,” Luke reassures him softly, squeezing tightly around Ashton’s trembling body. “It was just a stupid fight, right? It’ll be better tomorrow.”

Ashton shakes his head, wiping his eyes furiously. “It wasn’t.” 

“What?”

“It wasn’t a _fight,_ Luke.” Ashton’s voice is thick with tears, choking through a few whimpers before continuing, “Nothing _happened,_ he just… he just did it.” 

They didn’t fight, they just ended. It’s so much worse than Luke thought, and he doesn’t know what to say, just holds Ashton until his sobs dissipate and he falls asleep, exhausted from crying. Luke doesn’t know what’s happened or why, but Ashton’s a mess, and it doesn't look like it's going to be an easy fix.

  
  


_March 26_

Michael wakes up before Calum, but he can’t find it in him to move much more than sitting up in bed and staring down at his sleeping figure, trying to process the events that happened, crossing his fingers that his best friend isn’t as stupid as he currently looks. 

Last night felt bizarre, like a sick joke. When Calum first showed up at his door, body language sullen and face void of emotion, Michael didn’t believe him at first. Even now, looking down at Calum’s sleep-puffy face, he doesn’t think he believes yet. He certainly doesn’t like it, doesn’t like that two of the people in the world that seem so perfectly suited for each other suddenly aren’t for each other at all. 

The sun’s fully come up by the time Calum wakes up, stretching a little and rubbing his eyes with two big fists. Usually Michael would tell him how he’s such a baby, but there’s more pressing matters at hand. 

“So?” He doesn’t have time to let Calum wake up any more, getting straight to the point. 

Calum sniffs, rolling his head so he’s looking up at Michael from the pillow. “So?” 

“Are you gonna go apologize?” Michael asks. “Make this right?” 

“I don’t have anything to apologize for, Mike.” 

Michael bites his tongue because _obviously_ he needs to go apologize - he just broke up with his very loyal, extremely loving, perfect-for-him boyfriend. Michael’s feeling particularly angry this morning about the entire situation, but he doesn’t want to say something he might regret, especially when the wound from the night before are still so fresh. Unfortunately, the words he choses aren’t very delicate, either. “So you’re telling me you’re just going to wait for him to say sorry first? Great plan, Cal. Real mature.”

“He doesn’t have anything to apologize for either,” Calum says with a sigh. He’s stretching again, and Michael wants to put a palm on his shoulder to stop him, to tell him to focus on the situation at hand because Michael doesn’t understand a single thing right now. “We didn’t fight, that’s not the problem. It was just… it was a discussion.”

“A discussion in which you broke up with him,” Michael asks, his tone a bit mocking. Calum nods, playing with a string on his comforter. “What, do you not love him anymore?”

“Of course I do,” Calum bites, sounding offended at the idea that he doesn’t. “He’s the love of my life.” 

Nothing is making sense. If anything, Michael’s even more confused now than he was at the beginning. “Okay, you’re gonna have to explain this to me. You’re in love with Ashton, right?” Calum nods along as Michael takes things step-by-step, suddenly wishing he had one of Calum’s stupid little journals to be taking notes in. “So you broke up with him. You’re in love with him so you broke up with him.” 

Calum shakes his head. “It’s complicated.” 

There’s nothing else said in regards to the situation, and Michael’s hand grips at the bedding underneath him so he doesn’t start gesticulating wildly, yelling at Calum to get his his head out of his ass. 

“It better be,” he says instead, voice as controlled as it can be when he’s feel so exasperated. “‘Cause from what Luke’s been texting me, Ashton’s having a really fucking rough time.”

“It’s hard to explain,” Calum says. He shrugs, keeping his voice leveled - like he doesn’t understand just how badly things can get fucked up because of this. “I just, I’ve been feeling like I don’t have enough life experience, I guess. I need time to grow without him, for a bit. Not for long, I don’t think, but I’ve just been thinking lately, he’s had so many experiences, romantically, with other people… I never had that. If I’m going to settle down with him, I need to be sure. That this is right.”

There’s not many things Michael disagrees with Calum on. Sure, they get in squabbles all the time - fighting over what to watch on the television, which songs to put on the album, who the hottest member of All Time Low is - but in the grand scheme of things, Michael’s almost _always_ on Calum’s side, even when he’s being a giant fucking idiot. And maybe in time, he’ll start to understand why Calum’s feeling like this, but as it is now, as he stares at the boy he’s known for eleven long years, the kid he’s shared nearly every important moment of his life with, he can’t find a single reasonable thought. 

“God, I knew you were fucking dumb, but I didn’t think it was _this_ bad.” 

“Hey,” Calum snaps, thick eyebrows furrowing down. “This isn’t a whim. I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. I need this.” 

“And what?” Michael’s hands go up, suddenly enraged on Ashton’s behalf, feeling for him as if it was Luke thinking the way Calum is. “Ashton’s just supposed to sit around and wait til you’re done doing… whatever you’re doing?” 

Calum’s quiet for a moment, thinking something over in his head before admitting, “I don’t know, I just need time,” and Michael’s just about had enough of this. 

“You’re fucking selfish,” he snaps. “You know that?” 

“Hey, fuck you. You don’t think it’s unfair that Luke’s never had anything but you?”

And okay, Michael’s been worrying, just slightly, during this fight about whether Calum’s thoughts might not be that out there, that it’s something the less-experienced of two in a relationship feels, but he pushes past it, knowing that these doubts Calum has aren’t logical, that there’s nothing out there better for Luke than Michael, just like Luke’s the only person in the world that will ever make Michael feel as complete as he does. 

Michael’s going to spend the rest of his life with Luke, and no amount of insecurity will change that. 

“Luke doesn’t _want_ anything else,” Michael insists, believing his words whole-heartedly as he says them. “He’s happy. Just like you should be.”

When Calum rolls his eyes, Michael decides he’s done. He knows he’s not getting through to Calum. “That’s not the _problem,_ Michael, he makes me happy, I just have to know! How am I supposed to know that’s the happiest I can be if I’ve never known anything else?”

Michael shakes his head, not ready to give Calum the reassurance he’s begging for. He gets off the bed and turns to go take a shower, but pauses before he heads into the bathroom. “You’d better hope he’s still around to take you back when you’re done with whatever this is. You’re risking a lot, Cal. I hope this is worth it.” Calum keeps looking down at his comforter. He doesn’t have an answer, and Michael leaves him to take a shower, feeling disappointed, angry, and utterly lost on how everything spiralled so quickly. 

  
  
  


_March 30_

Five days have never felt so long, Ashton decides as they’re sitting in Italy, doing an interview for R101 Radio that just seems to drag on. He hasn’t had the easiest time with everything, but he’s trying to hold it together for the band - for himself. 

A few days ago, they all got together as a group and talked about the breakup - a meeting that wasn’t exactly fun - and decided that they couldn’t let this affect anything, that they couldn’t let anyone in on the fact that there was tension between Calum and Ashton. So now they have to act completely normal, which is really fucking difficult when he’s sitting next to Calum and their arms keep brushing together. He thinks he’s doing a pretty good job of it, though, making jokes and laughing and keeping things light. 

Things take a turn for the bitter when Ashton realizes that their touching, the grazes of their arms together and touches of their knees under the table, isn’t accidental. Calum’s doing it on purpose, which used to be sweet of him when they’d sit together, but now it hurts every time. Ashton shifts away from him, as subtle as possible, trying to focus on the interviewer, which isn’t easy to do when she’s making them all feel uncomfortable. 

Noticing that Ashton’s attention is everywhere but on him, Calum leans heavily into him now, trying to get his attention, and Ashton looks away. As much as he knows he has to, he’s not ready to act normal, and he wishes Calum would stop already. He can deal with doing interviews, but interacting this much with Calum is hard enough without having him in his face, touching his arm. 

Calum stops being the focus of Ashton’s attention when the interview gets worse. The interviewer tries to get Michael to unbutton her shirt, and he hates it, loudly proclaiming that he’s taken, holding his hands up in surrender. It should be the end of the interaction, but she just slides over to Luke and sits on his lap, asking him for help. 

Luke, never one to admit when he feels uncomfortable and taken advantage of, unbuttons her shirt uneasily, curling in on himself in discomfort after, laughing nervously and leaning away into Michael. That should be the end of it, but it’s just their luck that it just keeps escalating. 

When she takes her shirt off, they all laugh uncomfortably except Michael, who looks like he wants to die from secondhand embarrassment. The moment the cameras are off, they’re all out of their chairs and walking off set, not stopping to thank the interviewer of the crew like they’ve become accustomed to over the years. 

Now that they’re free of the painful interview, Ashton’s on a mission to put an end to whatever game Calum thinks he’s playing. He passes Michael and Luke in the hallways, and catches the middle of their conversation.

“… hated that, oh god, I hated it,” Luke’s voice is quiet, trembling. He still looks shaken up where he stands in Michael’s arms. “Why would someone do that, who _does_ that…”

“I know, Lukey, I’m sorry,” Michael’s head rests in the crook of Luke’s shoulder. “We’re going to talk to them, okay? Right now, let’s go.” 

Ashton pushes past them to get to Calum, who’s further down the hallway walking leisurely as if he isn’t actively ruining Ashton’s life, and grabs his arm, pulling him into the empty greenroom. “What are you doing?” he snaps. 

“I…” Calum’s head tilts, and while Ashton used to love how cute it made him look, like a lost puppy, right now it’s tearing away at Ashton’s composure. “What do you mean?” 

“I _mean,”_ Ashton tries to keep his voice down, not needing anybody to hear their fighting. “What are you _doing,_ touching me and leaning on me and acting like that? You’re not allowed to do that, Calum, that’s not fair.” 

“I’m not _allowed?”_

When Calum smirks with it, Ashton wants to fall into a hole. The past five days have been absolute hell for him, he’s heartbroken, aching, and Calum doesn’t seem to realize just how much he hurts. “No, you’re not. You _broke up_ with me, Cal, you can’t act like that’s normal.”

“I’m still in love with you though,” Calum says. “I can’t just turn it off, it doesn’t work like that.”

Ashton laughs humorlessly. “Yeah, well, it has to. ‘Cause I’m doing my best to deal with this whole bullshit situation you’ve put us in, and you’re making it a hundred times harder, telling me you love me and touching me, and that’s not something I can deal with, Cal.” 

For a moment, neither of them say anything, but then Calum’s saying, “But I _do_ love you,” and Ashton can’t bear it. 

“Do you want to be with me?” he asks. 

“I can’t.” 

It’s exactly what Ashton was expecting, and he nods once, keeping his voice cold as he demands, “Then leave me alone. Leave me out of whatever this is, I can’t be a part of it.” Calum looks at him frowning, brown eyes hurt, but Ashton just shakes his head and walks away. 

He can throw his tantrum all he wants, he can rebel and hook up with other guys. He needs to get whatever this is out of his system, and Ashton’s willing to let it happen. They’ll get back together, Ashton’s certain. 

  
  
  


_April 16_

Chicago is always a great city to play - the fans always have a lot of energy, screaming their words back at them, even the songs that aren’t released yet. Walking around the city is always a great time too, but in all honesty, the only reason why Michael’s celebrating being in Chicago more than he has with any other city they’ve visited is because they managed to get two hotel rooms, which means Michael and Luke can finally share a space instead of completing one half of the worlds saddest duo. 

Lately Michael’s been staying with Calum, and while normally, that wouldn’t be too big of an issue, it’s becoming harder and harder not to yell at his best friend, not to tell him to get his head out of his ass and just go back to Ashton, who he’s _clearly_ still in love with. 

Now that Michael and Luke have a bed together, they’re taking advantage of it. It’s been a slow night, the two enjoying their time together with snuggles and kisses. Michael feels like it’s his job right now to get Luke to relax. As tough as everything has been for Michael, it’s been ten times worse for Luke. He’s taking on the added stress of consoling a heartbroken Ashton, and Michael can see the toll it’s taking on him. 

“Are you scared?” Luke asks randomly, leaning into where Michael’s stroking his arm. 

“Scared of what?”

Luke shrugs, fingers playing mindlessly with the hem of Michael’s shirt. “Everything’s different, now,” he mumbles. “I’m worried about what could happen if Calum keeps this up. What if they don’t get back together and we’re stuck like this forever and the band breaks up? What if Calum finds someone else and Ashton dies alone and bald and sad?” Michael snorts at the imagery, and Luke glares at him. “I’m serious.”

“I know,” Michael nods. “I’m sorry.” 

“So are you? Scared?” Luke asks again, and Michael thinks about it. 

He fears, sometimes, that Calum doesn’t know what he’s doing. As stupid as he’s being, Michael’s had to hold out hope that he’s at least somewhat aware of everything, that he has a plan, and everything will solve itself easily, but as they’re approaching the month mark, Michael’s been worrying that everything could’ve been solved with a conversation, but Calum acted impulsively and doesn’t know how to fix it. 

If that’s the case, if everything is unwinding and spiralling, if all hope is slowly losing itself, Michael would admit he was scared. But as mindless and immature Calum Hood is when he’s goofing off, this is something serious, and he’s always been just a bit more thought out than the rest of them. He’s always one step ahead of himself, and Michael’s crossing his fingers that it holds true in this case as well. 

“Not scared,” Michael says, deciding that he isn’t. He has faith, he has to. “I’m a little sad, but… I’m almost positive this isn’t permanent. As hard as it might be right now, I think we need to have a little faith in Calum.” 

Clearly not on the same page, Luke frowns, a rough wrinkle forming itself above the bridge of his nose. “Hard to do when this is all his fault.”

“Hard to do,” Michael agrees with a nod. “But I know he still loves Ashton, and I hope I know him well enough to know that he won’t keep this up for very long.” 

“I hope not.” Luke stretches a bit more, but it doesn’t do anything to loosen him, only makes him feel tense in a different direction. “I can only take so much more.” 

“Besides,” Michael adds, figuring it’s time to move on, not liking that even their alone time is being infiltrated by their idiot bandmates. “I can’t be too scared when I have you. No matter what, you’re here, and that’s what matters most.” He leans in to kiss Luke sweetly, feeling the heat of his blush up close and personal. Luke melts into it a little but Michael can feel he’s still tense, the weight of the last month always on his shoulders. “Will you roll over for me?” 

It says a lot about them as a couple that Luke doesn’t even question him, just willingly turns so he’s lying flat on his stomach, head turned on the pillow. There’s a lot of trust there between them, and Michael never wants to take advantage of that, only want to make him feel good. No matter what, he’ll always take care of him.

He pulls Luke’s pants down - letting him take off his own shirt, so he lays naked on the sheets - and kisses the center of his back, up to the back of his neck, and then whispers in his ear. “Try to relax for me, sweetheart, okay?” 

Luke makes a little noise and nods, sighing into the sheets. Michael smiles and kisses back down the path along his spine before he brings his hands up to Luke’s shoulders, starting to massage the muscles there, working his fingers in deep and doing his best to relieve some of the pressure built up from the weight of having to care for their friends. Michael’s never called himself a professional masseuse - he’s not even close - but he’s working out the knots, and enjoying the soft noises, little moans and whines, that Luke’s making. It only takes a few minutes before Luke’s jello-like, melted into the mattress. 

Now that he’s relaxed, Michael makes his move, kissing gently at his skin, trailing them down and mapping out Luke’s little freckle constellations with his mouth. He works his way down to the dimples in Luke’s back, digging his thumbs in and Luke arches his back, whimpering where his head is smushed into the sheets.

Michael brings his hands to Luke’s ass - which was possibly on his mind the whole time - and kneads at it, pulling his cheeks apart and pushing back together, feeling them in his hands and playing with the smooth skin. Luke whines and spreads his legs invitingly, and Michael kisses the small of his back, dragging his tongue down slightly and then pulling away. 

Shaking his ass, Luke groans pitifully. “‘m stressed,” he slurs. “You can’t tease me.” 

Michael chuckles and kisses his back again. “Patience, Lukey,” he warns, but Luke just whines again. 

_“No_.” 

Chuckling at the attitude, Michael dips down again and kisses both of his cheeks, across his ass before he pulls them apart and licks over his hole, gently at first and then a little firmer when he hears Luke gasp at the contact. They’ve done this a lot now, and they're both crazy into it. Michael still can’t get enough of how Luke sounds when he gets eaten out, desperate and whimpery and gasping, and it makes him lick over Luke’s entrance with purpose. This is all about making him feel relaxed and getting his mind off his troubles, and Michael’s _determined_. 

Every time he glides his tongue over Luke’s hole, Luke makes the prettiest noise, a gasping keen that he always tried to hide in the beginning, but when Michael gets more insistent with it, less controlled, he stops hiding - Michael likes to hear him and he knows it.

"Mikey, feels so good," Luke whines, his tongue heavy with the words. He pushes his ass back against Michael’s face, which is Michael's absolute _favorite_ part of this. If he could choose how he'd like to die, being smothered by Luke's fat cheeks would be his number one request. He moans and licks sloppily, losing some finesse but he knows Luke likes it like that, a little uncoordinated but hot and wet and insistent. He pushes down on the small of Luke’s back and Luke arches it even further. Michael reaches around to take Luke’s dick in his hand and stroke it in time with his licks and Luke lets out a strangled gasp. "Oh, you can’t - Mikey, I’ll cum, I’m gonna…" 

Michael pulls away for a second, breathing heavy as he bites carelessly at Luke’s asscheek. "Good, good boy, want you to feel so good, come on Lukey." 

Luke whines and thrusts forward into Michael’s hand, and Michael buried his face between his cheeks again, licking hotly over and over until he hears Luke cry out and feels him spill over his hand, rocking his hips back and forth, shuddering in Michael’s grip. Michael pulls his hand away as Luke slumps into the sheets. He kisses up Luke’s back to his neck and sucks on the skin there gently, letting Luke rest contently as he hums. 

"You feel better?" He checks in, and as Luke nods, Michael grins, feeling completed in doing his job to relax Luke. 

  
  
  


_April 25_

Lately, Luke’s been a little distant with Calum, so when he extends an invite for Luke to join him at the coffee shop just down the street from their old school that gets accepted, Calum’s more than excited. He knows how hard it is for the band, having to be there for both of them, but not being there for them _together_ , and he’s aware that Luke and Ashton have been closer the past few years, so it’s natural he’d shift to that side more. He just really missed his friend. 

When he broke up with Ashton, he didn’t really think about how severely it would affect the band dynamics, but other than missing being with Ashton with everything in him, losing Luke and Michael a bit too has been the biggest downside to the whole thing. 

Even now, out to breakfast with each other, coffee and pastries in front of them, the conversation is incredibly stilted, aimless, and with no real heart. It makes Calum’s stomach tighten when he thinks about how only a few months ago, Calum shoved his tongue in Luke’s mouth, and Luke sucked on it like he was a man dying of thirst and Calum was a fresh, natural spring. Now, though, Calum doesn’t think he could reach over to Luke’s side of the table for a packet of sugar without getting an exhausted sigh in return. 

It’s been fifteen excruciating moments when Calum feels eyes on him. He looks over to the counter and sees the barista staring at him, winking when they’ve been matching each others’ gazes for a few seconds. Calum feels himself blush slightly, looking down at his coffee. He's still very new at this, and it's hard to navigate. He doesn't quite know how to react when he gets attention from someone who isn't Ashton, but he wants to figure it out. He _has_ to. Besides, the barista is cute, and he was funny when he was making Calum’s drink, flirting a bit and telling Calum not to burn his tongue with something so hot. 

“He's checking you out, isn't he?” Luke asks, eyebrow raised when Calum looks back at him. 

“Looks like it.” Calum nods, taking a drink out of his mug before realizing he has permission to actually make a move, that he has a chance to make _something_ happen. “What do you think I should do? Should I go talk to him?” 

In all honesty, Calum doesn’t know what he expected in response, but he’s still surprised to see the acidic expression on Luke’s face. “Seriously, Cal? No, I don't think you should go pick up that barista. What the fuck?” 

“What?” Calum’s stunned from the bitterness of Luke’s answer, but he doesn’t bite back. “I'm single now, this is the whole _reason_ I'm single, why shouldn't I?”

Luke shakes his head, rolls his eyes, and takes a sip of coffee. “Okay, maybe I just don't get it. Maybe you need to explain it to me again. Let's look at the facts.” He lists each item off on his fingers. “You're in love with Ashton. You have been since you met him. You waited _years_ for him. He loves you back. Your relationship was everything you've ever hoped for. So you dumped him to see other people.” 

“I didn't _dump_ him - ”

“Don't try to soften this,” Luke cuts him off, scoffing. “That's exactly what you did.” He glares across the table at Calum. “And I think you're selfish.”

“ _Selfish_?”

As he tears a bite off his pastry, he nods. “I'm in the same position you are. And I told you, I already _told you,_ I've thought about what it might be like, having more experience than I do. Maybe sometimes I wish I could, just to be on a closer level. But you know what?” Calum doesn’t answer, knows that Luke wouldn’t want him to, so he sits quietly. “I love Michael too much to _ever_ do that to him. He means too much to me to break his heart. I thought that's how you felt about Ashton.”

“Hurting him is the last thing I ever wanted to do,” Calum tries to explain, but Luke laughs sarcastically, interrupting him from finishing. 

“Great job,” he grins. “You've really got a handle on what keeps him happy.”

Calum stares down at the edge of the table where the vinyl edging is peeling away. He picks at it with his fingers, trying not to pout like a little kid. It’s not _fun_ , hearing how much Ashton’s hurting. Calum’s not stupid, he knew that this wasn’t exactly a party for either of them, but the fire in Luke’s voice is protective and harsh and so damn personal. Calum can’t, he isn’t - “I don't know what to say.” 

“Don't say anything to me,” Luke tells him. “Not if things aren't going to change.” And things _aren’t_ going to change - not yet, at least - so Calum stays silent, and Luke sighs. “I love you. I'm here for you if you ever really need me. But I think you're making a terrible decision. And I'm not going to help you with it. So keep me out of that - ” he gestures to the barista “ - bullshit. Kay?”

“Okay,” Calum says softly, drinking his coffee and keeping his eyes off the barista. At least, until Luke isn’t looking at him. 

  
  
  


_May 2_

“Have I ever told you you have a pixie nose?” Michael asks after he’s been staring at Luke’s face for five minutes straight without blinking (Okay, he probably blinked, but it wasn’t of his own free will - he’d never look away from Luke if he had a say in the matter). 

They’re in Malaysia for a few interviews, playing a show for some fans, and just enjoying their time traveling the world. Although, maybe they’re not enjoying the beautiful scenery to its _full_ extent, having spent the better part of the afternoon in bed in their hotel room, Michael poking various parts of Luke’s soft body, lighting up when he giggles. 

“What does that mean?” 

“You know,” Michael scoots closer into Luke’s arms, his fingers dancing across Luke’s cheekbones, over the bridge of his nose. “Like a little forest creature. It's a mischievous nose.” He pushes his own nose up with his finger, showing his nostrils. “Like this. But cuter.” 

Luke narrows his eyes at the action, and Michael snickers. “I'm really not sure whether I should take this as a compliment.” 

“Always, pumpkin.” He boops Luke's nose playfully, and Luke smiles, snuggling in closer. “Hey, I need to tell you something.” Luke hums in response and Michael continues, “And you're probably gonna hate it, but I'm telling you now I don't like it either, so don't shoot the messenger, okay?” 

“You're scaring me a little.” 

Michael sighs, not wanting to be the one to share this information, but knowing what he does, he can’t rightfully keep it from anyone. “I talked to Alex yesterday and he knows Cal's single now, right?” Luke nods and Michael takes a deep breath. “Well, he's got this friend who's always had a thing for him and now that he's like...on the market, I guess, he told me he wants to set them up.” 

“No.” It’s snapped, Luke’s response, and he begins shaking his head. “Absolutely not.” 

“Well, that's what I thought at first.” When Alex mentioned it to Michael, it was a surprise - not a good one - and Michael immediately wanted to shut it down. But if it wasn’t Alex’s friend, it'd be another guy. Michael can’t safeguard Ashton forever. If they want things to get back to normal, they have to let Calum figure out what he needs to the way he wants to. “But Lukey, we can't really, like, _stop_ Calum from seeing people, can we? If it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen.” 

“Yes we can.” When he doesn’t budge, Michael levels him with a look. “Okay, no we can't. I just hate being involved.” 

“So do I, I just. I think it's better this way. At least we know the guy he's gonna go out with isn't a complete bag of dicks. Alex wouldn’t set him up with a dud.” 

It’s supposed to be a reassurance, but Luke only pouts. “Is that better, though? I want him to have a terrible time. I want it to suck. Is that mean?” 

“No,” Michael answers honestly. “I want it to suck too.” 

In eleven years of friendship, Michael’s never wished for Calum’s downfall as heavily as he is now. He just doesn’t see how fucking other people is going to put him on equal ground with Ashton. They’re both so in love with each other, and even though Ashton dated before Calum, it doesn’t lessen what their time together has meant. Michael wants to best for Calum, and that’s why he hopes nobody on Earth thinks anything of Calum - he hopes they all fail to see how extraordinary that idiot really is. 

“This is gonna be weird,” Luke groans. He leans away, throwing his arm over his eyes. “This is all so weird.”

Michael nods, rolling to chase after Luke and brushing his hair back from his face. “I think we need to tell Ashton. Better he hears from us than finds out from someone else after the fact.” 

“I'll do it.”

Michael kisses him in thanks. Luke's been an amazing friend to Ashton through all of this, despite how sticky everything gets, and he couldn’t ask for a bigger heart in a person, especially not with a beautiful face like Luke’s. 

  
  
  


_May 14_

As far as first dates go, Finn wasn’t completely terrible. Calum’s a little surprised that Alex thought they’d hit it off well enough to set up a date, but he didn’t have a horrendous time. Finn’s hot, so he was decent to look at, and he wasn’t completely boring, but there just wasn’t… 

It didn’t feel like Ashton. 

They’re waiting at the valet now for both of their cars. Calum doesn’t typically drive, but it made him feel just the slightest bit better knowing that he had an immediate out if he needed one, that he wasn’t required to stick around or accept a ride home if his date was a complete prick. 

When the valet pulls his car around, Finn hesitates instead of making his way right over. “Hey, I hope this isn't too forward, but you wouldn't be interested in meeting me back at my place for a nightcap, would you?” 

For what dating is nowadays - hook-ups and Netflix and chilling and whatever he got to avoid by jumping into Ashton so quickly - the offer still takes Calum aback slightly. Yeah, they'd had fun, and no, Calum wasn’t immediately running for the hills, but he hadn't thought their chemistry was amazing or anything. He had been questioning whether he'd even be interested in a second date only a minute earlier, but it seems like Finn’s had a different thought process. 

“Oh.” He blinks up at Finn, hoping his disinterest isn’t obvious. “Um, not tonight, I don't think. Maybe some other time. It was really nice getting to meet you, though. This was fun.” 

Finn nods. He looks slightly put out but not angry, which is always a good sign. “No worries, man. Hit me up sometime soon, okay?” 

It’s definitely a lie when Calum smiles and nods, insisting he’ll give him a call. Finn gives him a quick kiss on the cheek and gets into his car, driving off. Calum only has to wait a few seconds before his own car is pulling up, and he’s jumping in, heading towards home. 

The night wasn’t a disaster, but everything felt like it was on the wrong end of _too much_ . His thoughts are swirling, and he's feeling a little overwhelmed, so he pulls into a nearby parking lot and switches his car off, slumping against the steering wheel and taking a deep breath. Usually, when he’s freaking out like this, feeling uncomfortable and overloaded, he turns to Ashton, the only person in the world that’s been able to ease his mind with little effort. That’s obviously not an option now, so - needing to speak to _someone_ \- Calum digs out his phone from his pocket and clicks on Michael's contact. 

It rings a few times before Michael picks up, and Calum hears rustling before Michael's talking to someone he’s with - “Hey, I’ll be right back, this is Jack.” 

It’s obvious that Michael’s with Ashton. He wouldn’t lie about Calum being on the phone to anyone else, and it’s bizarre that Michael has to pretend not to be on the phone with Calum to _Ashton._ Calum’s never felt this distant from them. 

The soft thud of a door closing sounds in the background, and then Michael’s speaking quietly into the phone. “Hey, Cal. What’s up? Did something go wrong with Finn?”

“Nothing’s wrong, he was fine,” Calum says, easing the concern in Michael’s voice. He gets it - it’s unexpected for him to call Michael this early in the night without something being wrong. “I just, uh. I needed to talk to you. Do you have a second?” 

“Just a second, yeah, okay.” 

“Um.” There’s a lump in the back of Calum’s throat. Something’s so wrong about Michael only being able to make a second for Calum in his life, and making him feel like he needs to be quick. It’s not the way things are supposed to be - they’re best friends. “Are you with Ashton?” 

“Yeah, Luke and I both are.” 

Calum bites his tongue. He knew the answer, but hearing it, hearing that on a night that has Calum feeling completely upside down, both of his friends are comforting the one person Calum needs most. “How is he?”

The volume of Michael’s sigh hurts Calum’s ears. “He’s not great, Calum.” 

Calum rests his head on the steering wheel and lets out a deep breath. “It wasn’t right. With Finn.” 

It was _fine_ , which Calum feels like was the biggest sign of all. He feels so deeply, never able to take anything half-heartedly. He knew he was in love with Ashton before they were together, knew they’d get married before he knew his name. The fact that Calum was so completely neutral about a perfectly pleasant night with Finn is worse than him hating the guy. He’s never found somebody unremarkably alright. 

The silence on Michael’s side ends. “It’s not going to feel right with anyone, Cal.” 

It should be an awakening for Calum, make him realize that nobody is _ever_ going to be better for him than Ashton, that his straying is doing more damage than it is helping, and that no good can come from this. That’s been the majority of his mind for the past two months anyway. There’s a small part - miniscule, really - that’s insisting he can’t know for sure. It’s yelling that while Ashton’s nothing short of perfect, Calum won’t know if he doesn’t try. He fell in love too young, and he never got the chance to go through the pain of not knowing. 

Calum’s voice is small when he answers, “It could,” and Michael clears his throat. 

“I have to go. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?” 

“Yeah, okay.” He’s holding back tears at this point, his words choked as he tries to convince himself that everything is okay. It’s not, though. Everything sucks, and he doesn’t know what to do. He just wishes things were back to normal, but he knows they can’t be. He has to do this for himself, for Ashton. 

Michael hangs up and Calum hits end, throwing his phone on the passenger seat, finally letting himself cry in the empty parking lot. He doesn’t start his car back up for a while. 

  
  
  


_May 23_

They haven’t gotten much time to hang out recently, too caught up in the promotional work they’ve had to do, but they’re in Sydney for a few days, celebrating the birthday of someone that used to go to school with the rest of the band, and Ashton thinks it’s relaxing enough. He isn’t exactly having the time of his life, but it’s been okay, he supposes. He doesn’t know many people there, but he’s always good at making the rounds and being social. 

Calum’s _certainly_ being social, Ashton can’t help but bitterly notice. He keeps flitting from group to group, not afraid to lean into the personal space of every guy that so much as _smiles_ at him. Ashton watches him out of the corner of his eye the entire time, wondering how he never noticed that Calum could be a bit of a slut when he wants to be. 

His line of vision is obscured slightly by the broad shoulder of Luke Hemmings dancing up to him and taking his hand. “Ash! Come dance with us!” 

‘Us’ refers to a large group of girls that clearly don’t care that Luke’s disappeared from their circle, dancing carelessly without him, and while any other time he’d be more than up for it, his feet feel like lead, not wanting him to leave Calum’s visual range. He smiles at Luke, but shakes his head and raises up his drink. “I’m okay, thanks, Luke.” 

“You having fun?” Luke asks with his eyes narrowed, only looking more hesitant when his mouth purses at Ashton’s unconvincing nod. He looks over at Calum for a second and then back at Ashton. “Okay, I’ll leave you to it then.” 

It’s clear he doesn’t want to, but Luke’s been an incredible friend through all of this, and he knows when to let things lie. He skips away and leaves Ashton by himself, rejoining the group that didn’t even notice his absence, and Ashton looks back over at Calum, who’s talking to another guy right now. He doesn’t think much of it until he sees the guy run a hand down Calum’s arm, and he stiffens a little bit. If the initial contact wasn’t bad enough, the worst part is watching Calum laugh and blush a little bit, not at all rejecting the flirting. 

Unable to control himself from physically reacting with the alcohol rolling through him, Ashton’s fists clench. He wants nothing more than to walk over and grab Calum’s arm and drag him away - maybe to the bathroom to help him remember the only person that’s ever been allowed to touch him like that - but he’s not allowed to be protective anymore. 

It’s not what Calum wants. 

He grips his drink in his hand tightly as he watches them talk and flirt, Calum batting his eyelashes like he doesn’t do the same thing when he’s on his knees for Ashton, and he has to get out of there. He walks towards the exit of the club, passing by the new couple and hearing a little of their conversation.

“… not in town for very long, but if you want to…”

At the airy quality to Calum’s voice, Ashton walks faster, making his way into an empty hallway and leaning against the wall, breathing hard. All of a sudden, all of the stress of the situation catches up to him - the hurt, the fear, the anger, the longing - and he turns and punches the wall as hard as he can. He’s never been one to take his aggression out like that, a lover not a fighter, but it feels _good_. He looks down to find he’s bleeding a little, but he also feels a little better. He takes a deep breath, and realizes as nice it was to relieve his pent up emotions up like that, he needs to talk to someone. It’s not working for him to be alone in his own thoughts. 

He walks back out and finds Luke in the crowd. “Lukey, I’m so sorry, I have to go, can we go?” 

Despite his words being rushed and chaotic, Luke can tell the moment he sees Ashton’s face how badly he needs to be away from Calum. “Of course, yeah, we’re going.” They make their way out of the club, leaving Michael and Calum to make their way home later, and when Calum meets his eyes across the floor, neither says a word. 

  
  
  


_June 1_

The idea Ashton had to get drunk and talk about the process of writing the _Youngblood_ album was one of his best, if Calum can say that. If not, he’s been thinking it since before it was proposed. 

They’re all over at Ashton’s house, a small studio set up in his kitchen. The blender is on the counter, bottles of Malibu and Tequila surrounding it, and there all already more affected than they should be for only having talked about the first track so far.

Silly props have somehow made their way out of the depths of Ashton’s closet, and they’re having _fun_ . The tension that’s been resting between them all has subsided, leaving them in a happy, tipsy place. Calum’s sitting on the stool now, droopy-eyed, for the second song, _Want You Back_ , and Ashton, very much into directing the videos, asks him what the song means to him. He thinks a second before he responds. 

“At the time, that song wasn’t lyrically relevant in my life,” he starts, his tongue cotton-heavy in his mouth but pushing past it for the content. “And then, later on, I found a relevance towards the song, which is interesting cause I’ve never really had that before.” He rambles a few more things, but his mind sticks to the first part of his answer. It’s true, he’s never wanted someone back before the way he finds himself wanting Ashton back all the time. He knows he broke things off for himself, but he still misses him _all_ the time. 

“Great.” Ashton clears his throat. “Michael, you go now.” Michael waltzes up to the stool, and Calum goes to stand next to Luke and watch. The night goes on, and they go through the album, laughing every step of the way. 

At some point, it turns into a party, people arriving every few minutes and filling up Ashton’s living room. Calum’s still having fun, he keeps trying to catch Ashton’ eye every now and then, but Ashton hasn’t been looking at him much, even when he’s laughing and joking with everyone else. They finally wrap everything up, and Calum cheers with the rest of them. He starts to walk over to where Jack is talking to a couple people but he feels Ashton grab his arm and haul him towards his bedroom.

He feels a pleasant little twinge in his tummy at the familiar motion, but this time when they reach the bedroom, it’s not the way it used to be. Ashton rounds on him with an upset expression, and he’s drunk so it’s magnified because he’s never good at containing his emotions with Calum - especially if he’s been drinking and his guard is down. 

“What the fuck was that, Cal, huh?” He’s yelling and demanding, and it takes everything in Calum’s impaired brain not to drop to his knees. 

Instead, he stays standing, swaying, and bites his thick bottom lip. “Whaddaya mean?” 

“You never found a relevance to _Want You Back_ until now?” It’s phrased like a question, but Calum knows this tone, knows that Ashton’s too gone to stop himself from slipping into this way of speaking, this condescending I-know-more-than-you type of questioning. Calum’s too far gone to stop himself from wanting Ashton so fucking badly. 

“I mean… no.”

Suddenly the familiar tension fades away, leaving Ashton to look lost and upset, and Calum feels terrible for hurting him yet again, but he’s too drunk to focus. “You… want me back?”

“I miss you,” Calum tells him honestly, his hand reaching up to play with the flat collar of Ashton’s open-chest shirt. “Always want you”

“So take me _back.”_

Calum shakes his head. As much as he wants to, he’s thought hard about it, and he can’t. He’s not ready yet. “I can’t - ”

“Fucking take me back, Calum, or go home,” Ashton insists, not pulling himself away. “You don’t make any sense, you don’t - ” He rubs his eyes in frustration. “Don’t make any sense, pup, I can’t.” Calum’s tummy twists again at the nickname, wanting so much to give in, but restraining himself, and Ashton groans. “Calum. Calum, please go. Please just go.” 

Even with the alcohol pumping through his body, making him dumb and brave, Calum knows he has to go or Ashton’s going to break down in front of him, and Calum’s going to want him more, to heal it all. 

He sniffs. “Lemme… call an Uber…” 

“You live next door,” Ashton reminds him. 

“Oh.” _That’s right_. He’d forgotten, but maybe it’s for the best. He can get home faster and get past all of this heartache. He walks out of Ashton’s room clumsily, and makes his way out the front door, waving at a few people as he goes sadly. He makes it over to his house and falls into bed, moping for a while until he falls asleep.

  
  
  


_June 12_ th

The greenroom they’re in before their performance at the BBC is comfortably silent. Calum’s napping on a couch across the room, and Ashton’s been walking around the studio, most likely because it’s uncomfortable being in Calum’s presence for too long - something Luke remembers from when he and Michael broke up a year and a half ago. In their situation, everything was solved in a month or so - it’s going on three months for Calum and Ashton, and there’s no sign of anything working itself out anytime soon. 

But it’s not Luke’s place to worry today. They’ve got a song to cover, and they’re performing _Youngblood_ , so he’s got enough on his plate without stressing over his best friend’s tanked relationship. 

Instead, he’s going to lie on this couch, play with Michael’s hair, and not freak out too badly over their performance because he isn’t sixteen anymore, and he doesn’t feel the urge to throw up everytime he sings in front of people. Sometimes he’ll be a little on edge, but with Michael, he always, instinctively, feels better. 

“What were your parents going to call you, if you were a girl?” Michael asks suddenly, low voice still somewhat loud in the empty space of the room. 

The question sinks in and Luke realizes he’s never even thought of that. He shrugs, frowning. “No idea. I don’t think they even had anything picked out. They’d already had two boys, they just figured I’d be one too. I’d probably just be a girl called Luke.” 

“Hmmm.” Michael rolls so he’s facing Luke where they lay on one of the green room couches and taps his chin a few times. “What would you want to be called?

“Something flashy,” Luke answers, his mind wandering back to some of the names he’d thought about when they’d jokingly called Ashton Ashley and Michael Michelle. “Like Antoinette. Or _Diamond_.” 

“Diamond Hemmings?”

Luke nods, not hating the sound of it. “That’s me.” 

He thinks he could pull off the name. He wears enough glitter, sometimes his nail polish sparkles. His boots shine and his leather pants are pretty reflective themselves. Diamond Hemmings isn’t that far off from him right now, let alone if he was born a girl. 

“Is that what we’re naming our future daughter?” Michael asks, and Luke’s heart skips a beat, like it always does when he thinks about the inevitability of them spending the rest of their lives together.

“Oh, no.” Luke pushes past his moment of awe, shaking his head, needing to stay calm and not give away his racing heart. “She’s being named after family. John Feldmann Hemmings.” 

Michael snickers and hides his face in Luke’s sweater. “She’ll hate our guts.”

“Not as much as her brother, Gucci Boots.” It’s worth it, his stupid jokes, everytime he hears Michael giggling, snorting this time. If music didn’t work out for them, Luke likes to think he would have made a living just off making Michael smile. 

There’s a pleasant lull in conversation before Michael pipes up again. “Do you really wanna have kids someday?”

“We’d probably pick different names for them, but yeah.” After so many years together, there’s no hesitation. Luke knows they’re going to spend the rest of forever together, and they’re going to have kids along the way - talented musical kids that will be dressed so wildly with various aesthetics depending on who picked the outfits that day. “Yeah, I wanna have kids with you.”

Michael grins and kisses Luke before snuggling back into his sweater. “Me too.” 

  
  
  


_June 28_

New York City holds a lot of firsts for Calum. Madison Square Garden was the first sold-out arena they played, it was the first American city they ever visited as a band, and it’s the first time Calum’s getting intimate with somebody he _hasn’t_ known since before he could grow facial hair. 

They’re in the city, having just played a show for _I Heart Radio_ , and Calum’s once again on a date with a friend of a friend. It’s going better than his first date - Jesse much more fun than Finn was - and they’ve both had a bit to drink. It wasn’t enough to eliminate their judge of character, but Calum’s inhibitions are definitely lowered, making him a little easier, a little looser. 

That’s why he’s at Jesse’s apartment now, and they’re sitting on his bed in his room. Jesse’s been trying to make a move all night, and Calum’s honestly not opposed to it, he just doesn’t really know what to do, not sure how to initiate anything with anybody other than Ashton. They’re pretending to make conversation now, while Jesse is stroking his thigh, his hands wandering up a little further every time. 

“You really never saw Alien?” Jesse asks, voice astonished.

Calum shrugs. “No, it wasn’t really on my agenda at any point.” He isn’t sure why he’s responding anymore. It’s apparent where things are head, Calum staring blatantly on the fingers tracing the inseam of his trousers. Jesse clearly isn’t fully aware of the conversation he himself is making, more interested in feeling up Calum and inching closer to him on the bed. 

“Hmmm, maybe we can watch it sometime,” he suggests. “You’re so hot.” Calum almost snorts at the lack of finesse this guy possesses, but he holds it in, making a tiny noise in the back of his throat instead. Jesse takes the noise well, smiling a little, and bites his lip before he goes for it, moving in and kissing Calum. It doesn’t catch Calum off guard, but it’s different, _so_ different than what he’s used to that he startles a little and doesn’t respond for a second. Jesse feels him not moving and pulls back. “Is this okay?”

It’s sweet, and Calum really appreciates him asking. It makes him feel a little more at ease, and he nods, leaning in again. 

Kissing Jesse is fine, it’s kind of fun, actually. It lacks passion, but Calum’s enjoying himself. Jesse’s hot, and he knows what he’s doing and it’s _fine_ , it’s good. It’s when he reaches for Calum’s hips and squeezes that all the possible interest he had before flies out the window. As fine and good and mildly fun as it is, it’s all wrong. His grip is too weak, his hands are too small, and it’s not what Calum wants. He thinks for a brief moment that, maybe if Jess squeezed harder, he’d be more into it. But he wouldn't. He doesn’t want anyone but Ashton to hold him down. 

He takes Jesse’s hands in his own and gently takes them off his body, pulling away from his mouth. “I have to go. Sorry, I can’t do this right now.” 

Jesse looks understandably confused at the sudden shift in mood. “Did I do - ”

“No, not at all,” Calum cuts him off, shaking his head. “You’re great. I’ll call you, okay?” It’s a lie, he’s not going to call, but it seems to lessen the confusion and disappointment on Jesse’s face, and Calum feels better about leaving, gathering his stuff quickly and walking out of the apartment, finding a Lyft to the hotel. 

*****

Calum can’t sleep. He’s gotten ready for bed, and he’s under his covers with the lights off, but he can’t get comfortable. He knows what the problem is too, knows that since he left Jesse’s apartment, he hasn’t been able to stop thinking about Ashton’s hands on him, how he used to hold him down, how right he used to feel. It’s frustrating, admitting to himself how much he still needs Ashton in his head to get off, how wrong it feels to let someone else touch him. 

He makes an annoyed little noise as he shifts in bed, trying to calm his body down, but his dick is hard in his boxers and Ashton won’t leave his mind. It’s been so long since they’ve touched, since he’s felt truly looked after and sated, and he knows it won’t completely satisfy him but he still shoves his hand down his boxers and starts stroking himself, whining slightly at finally being touched.

It feels really good, and it’s better being alone than it is with Jesse. He can let his thoughts wander, make this exactly how he wants it to be. Now that he’s given over to what he really wants, he rolls over in his bed slightly and reaches his arm down to his bag by his bedside, fumbling a little before he finds lube in one of the inside pockets. He’s still a little tipsy, a little fumbly, but he manages to get the cap off and pour some on his fingers, pushing his boxers all the way down his legs and lifting his hips up a bit so he can rub at his entrance with two fingers. He dips one in slightly and whimpers, fisting himself with his other hand before sinking in all the way, one finger going in and out slowly while he plays with his cock. 

Ashton always did this so well, fingered him so well, he remembers, and he whines again, this time with frustration as he thinks about how thick Ashton’s fingers always felt inside him, how well he filled him up and made him feel so floaty, taken care of. He pushes another finger inside himself and it’s nice, but it’s not Ashton, and he can’t help himself when he moans out his name as he pushes his fingers deep inside himself. 

“ _Ash-_ fuck, oh, fuck…” he groans, his thumb running over the head of his cock while he works his fingers inside himself, twisting them and crooking them, trying to make himself feel the way he used to feel, when it was the two of them. 

He brushes against his prostate and gasps, his hips ticking downwards onto his fingers as he tries to hit it over and over, stroking himself quickly and making little whimpery, needy sounds every time he manages to fuck himself just right. Ashton’s name is on the tip of his tongue with every push of his fingers, and his guard is too far down for him not to let it slip out as he gets closer and closer to the edge.

“Ashton, Ash, fuck, fuck me, _fuck me,”_ he chants, shoving downwards on his fingers and arching his back, his eyes shut tight as he imagines Ashton above him, naked and panting, fucking into him. He groans and keeps chasing his high, fucking himself down on his fingers and stroking himself fast and hard, his breathing labored and shakey. “ _Oh_ , _fuck me, Ashton, please, please, Ash, fuck me,”_ He cries out as he reaches his climax, throwing his head back on the pillow and pushing his hips down hard, riding his fingers through it.

When he comes down, he cleans himself up half heartedly and lies in bed, feeling desperately alone, with no one to blame but himself.

  
  
  


_July 3_

“Cal, you want sugar?” Luke yells past Michael and into the living room where Calum’s waiting for them. 

Michael’s sitting on the counter next to the french press, watching Luke make coffee for them all. They’re having brunch together while Ashton’s catching up with some friends. The past few days have been odd, Calum much more pouty than usual, huffing anytime Ashton’s name comes up, and it’s putting everyone on edge. 

“Yes please,” he yells back. “Two.” 

Luke finishes quickly, and Michael grabs Calum’s mug, carrying it into the living room, joining their guest on the couches. After Michael hands Calum his drink, he sits, Luke joining him and passing his mug over. “Milk and sugar for you, sugar,” he teases with a kiss to his cheek. 

As Michael grins and shakes his head, Calum rolls his eyes. “Do you have to rub that in my face?”

“What?”

“You two.” Calum gestures between them and crosses his arms, pouting. “Being perfect and happy.” 

Michael snorts, thinking it’s supposed to be funny, but when Calum’s face remains pinched and annoyed, he narrows his eyes. “You’re joking, right?”

“No, I’m serious. I’m miserable over here and you’re flaunting your love. It’s rude.” He looks like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum, and he sounds like one too.

Michael looks at Luke who’s frowning, just as confused, but a little less angry. “Cal, you literally did this to yourself,” Michael tells him. “Also, you’re at my house. If it bothers you so much, you can go home, but we’re not going to stop being in love for your sake.” 

If he expected Calum to fight back, he’s sorely mistaken when Calum just sinks in on himself, sighing before taking a sip of his coffee. “You’re right. I’m sorry.” 

As quickly as the fight came and went, Michael doesn’t doesn’t understand a single bit of it. He’s beyond being annoyed at Calum at this point. It’s obvious he’s fucking miserable without Ashton, but he refuses to do anything about it. Michael knows he’s still figuring some things out, but it’s doing absolutely nothing to make him happier. 

At some point he’s going to forget why he’s doing this in the first place, and it’ll all be in vain.

  
  
  


_July 7_

As far as the past couple of months have gone, Ashton’s birthday has been one of his better days. He saw some friends, did some shopping, and he’s just gotten off the phone with his family after a good talk when his phone lights up with a notification that Calum’s made a new post on Instagram.

Typically, he doesn’t let himself indulge in these smaller things, trying to keep his mind busy until Calum’s over whatever journey he felt he needed to go on without Ashton, but it’s his birthday and there shouldn’t be any harm in looking at one picture. He goes to his page, expecting to see a selfie of some sort, but he frowns when he sees a video of him and Calum, on Calum’s birthday, that Luke took in the convertible. They’re singing _Stayin’ Alive_ as Ashton’s driving them through heavy traffic. It’s sweet, ignites some fond memories, and for a moment, everything is fine. It’s not until he sees the caption that he gets angry. 

**calumhood** My fuckin’ soulmate. Happy birthday @ashtonirwin

And that’s just fucked up. How the fuck does he think this is okay, that Ashton would be happy to be broken up with and then called his soulmate on fucking Instagram? 

For the past three and a half months, Ashton’s bitten his tongue through a lot. There’ve been interviews and video shoots and performances where Calum’s gotten too close for comfort, but this crosses too many lines, leaving Ashton feeling irritated, taken advantage of, and infuriated. 

Feeling the need to sort this out, to get to the bottom of why Calum’s suddenly taken it upon himself to ruin Ashton’s life, he gets out of bed and storms over to Calum’s house, pounding on the front door with heavy fists. “Open up! Let me in right now, Calum!” He keeps knocking on the door until he hears the handle jiggle, and it opens to reveal Calum standing there, looking annoyed. The annoyance turns to confusion when he sees Ashton, chest heaving, livid. “I need to talk to you.”

“Yeah, okay.”

Ashton walks in and waits in the hallway for Calum to shut the door and turns to face him. “What is this?” He holds up his phone with the post up on the screen. Calum looks at it and tilts his head, smiling slightly when he recognizes the video. 

“I just wanted to say happy birthday.” He watches for another second before biting his lip. “Why are you - ”

“Your _soulmate?_ ” Ashton spits. He can’t stop projecting his anger for even a moment. If he does, he’s afraid the reality of everything will sink in, and he’ll be left a crying mess on his ex’s floor. _“_ Your _fucking_ soulmate, Calum? Is this a joke?”

“Why would it be a joke?” Calum, infuriatingly, looks like he doesn’t understand. “You know you are, we talked about this before, you’re - ”

“No, shut up.” He holds a finger up, and Calum goes silent. “I’m gonna ask you this _once,_ ” he warns, leaning into Calum’s space. _“_ Do you want to be with me?”

For a moment, nobody says a word, Calum’s eyes golden and wide where they stare into Ashton’s. There’s a second, a beautiful, hopeful second, where Ashton thinks _maybe_ they can finally put an end to this all, but then Calum’s taking in a shuddering breath and breaking Ashton’s heart all over again. “Ashton, I can’t.”

“Then fucking _STOP_ !” He throws his phone to the ground in frustration, and Calum jumps back. Ashton throws his hands up in the air before he continues, “Stop telling me you love me, stop calling me your soulmate, stop _fucking_ touching me when I’m not allowed to want it anymore. Do you not realize this is _killing me?_ Watching you distance yourself from me? Knowing when you’re out with a guy cause Michael and Luke bring me takeout and hang out with me, and we all just pretend it’s not happening? You’re sending me so many fucking mixed signals I feel like my head’s about to fall off all of the time and if you don’t want me, if you can’t be with me right now, then you have no right, _no right,_ to post something like this and pretend everything’s normal. Fuck you, Calum Hood.” 

Though he’s been looking down, as if feeling ashamed, Calum’s eyes are filled with fire when he looks up. Ashton’s surprised to see it, feeling like, if anything, Calum should have taken that like a reprimand, not fuel for his fight. 

“What,” Calum snaps. “So I’m just supposed to pretend I suddenly feel nothing for you? Like all the years we spent together are just erased because I needed to take a step back? We’re just supposed to pretend we stopped caring about each other altogether when we broke up? That’s what I’m supposed to do?” 

“You’re not listening to me. I’m not telling you you can’t feel, I’m telling you that you can’t make me feel like there’s hope and then keep pushing me away. It’s not fair when I’m trying to move past this and you keep dragging me back in!” 

It’s been a game of tug-of-war recently, Calum pushing and pulling at Ashton, and sooner or later, like a frayed rope tired of the indecision, Ashton’s going to come apart. 

“Well, sorry I still care about you, I guess,” Calum shrugs, rolling his eyes, and Ashton really just wants to shake Calum until he realizes how badly he’s been messing Ashton up. “I’ll just eternal-sunshine you from my brain, then, and we can pretend nothing ever happened, okay? Is that what you want?” 

At this point, Ashton’s so fed up that he doesn’t know what to do with himself, just stands there staring at Calum, his breathing heavy from how hard he was yelling, how much he was feeling. He runs a hand through his own hair and shakes his head, trying to keep his voice level when he talks. “You know what I want. But you call the shots, you always have. And you made a choice, so stop reeling me back in just to hurt me.” 

Calum’s visibly angry too, and he’s in Ashton’s space now, eyebrows pinched together and face red. “You really think that’s what I’m doing? You think I’m trying to hurt you? You think that’s the kind of person I am?” 

“I think you’re doing a really good job at it, too.”

“Wow,” Calum’s eyes are wet at the cruelty in Ashton’s reply. “Maybe I should just move on and forget about you, since you clearly don’t know me at all. ”

And Ashton’s over it all, sick of the torment and the teasing and the wanting what he isn’t allowed to have. He’s not thinking at all when he replies, “Move on, then.” 


	11. 2018 (Part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for reading along, for sticking through this long road with us. This is the last chapter before the epilogue, and we hope you love it as much as we loved creating it.

**2018**

_ July 7  _ ( _ cont. _ )

“Move on, then,” Ashton says, a severity in his voice that leaves no room for questioning. They’re staring at each other, both out of breath, and Ashton is watching Calum’s eyes, searching his face for  _ something _ , a hint of anything other than the fight that’s burning through them. His gaze is travelling from Calum’s eyes to his mouth, and he barely realizes what’s about to happen before Calum’s mouth is on his, kissing him hard. He gasps into it, surprised and confused, but kisses him back, just like he always did, just like he always  _ will _ . It feels familiar and welcome, but more desperate than ever, like they both have something they’re trying to prove. 

Only a few seconds into it, Calum breaks away with a gasp, shaking his head. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have - ”

“Don’t,” Ashton cuts him off, can’t bear to hear him apologize for the best thing that’s happened to him in months, for the smallest bit of hope that things can be the way they’re supposed to be. “Please, just let me have this.” He’s not above begging, that’s for sure. If Calum’s starting to change his mind, if he wants to be with Ashton again, Ashton’s going to take it and run with it as fast as he fucking can. 

He almost misses the hint of sadness in Calum’s voice when he responds, “You always have me,” too wrapped up in reconciling with him to pay it enough mind.

Ashton feels himself let out a bit of a whimper before he’s surging forward, connecting their mouths again. He feels adrenaline flood his body as he kisses Calum, hot and wet, and he moans loudly when Calum gasps into his mouth, kissing him back like it’s all he knows how to do. Everything is familiar and easy, effortless in the way they fit together like they’d never been apart. Ashton breaks away to trail kisses down Calum’s jaw, onto his neck, sucking and biting while Calum tilts his head back, moaning airily, his hands running down Ashton’s chest, tugging at the hem of his shirt. He hastily tugs it off and then Calum’s too, pressing their naked chests together and ducking back to suck a bruise into his golden skin.

_ “Ash _ ,” Calum breathes, and Ashton moans at the sound of his name coming from Calum’s lips, again,  _ finally _ , and bites at the skin of his neck. 

The first time around he never used to leave many marks, the occasional one now and again when he lost a bit of his control, but now all that he can think of is claiming Calum, branding his skin so anyone who comes within a mile of him can see he belongs to Ashton, that he’s  _ his _ , and no amount of time apart will change that. 

_ “Baby,  _ fuck,” Ashton all but growls, biting deep into the skin behind Calum’s ear. “I’ve missed you so much, I’ve been going crazy.” 

Calum starts to say something but Ashton’s lips are on his again, kissing him hard. He feels like he can’t get enough, it’s been so long since he’s kissed Calum and he’s starving for it, addicted to it. He’s thought about this every day since the last time. He’d nearly convinced himself he wouldn’t ever have it again and now that he does, his thoughts are swimming, and he can barely hear himself moaning into Calum’s mouth over the pounding in his ears. 

“Let me have you, baby,” he pleads. “Let me make you feel good, wanna  _ feel  _ you.” He kisses Calum’s neck again, feels almost drunk on the taste of his skin, and Calum whines before nodding.

“Think… think about it all the time.” 

Ashton growls, biting at his neck again. It fills him with a kind of alpha-pride, that Calum hasn’t stopped thinking about him, that he wants him all the time, just as bad as Ashton wants him. It makes him want to prove he can still fuck him the best, that no one else can compare. 

“Yeah, want me to fuck you?” He asks, his voice purposefully going rough. Calum gasps and nods. “Nice and hard, just how you like it?” He squeezes Calum’s hips and licks over the bruise he’s just made, hands travelling back and grabbing his ass. Calum pushes back into his hands and nods again, brown eyes dazed in the mostly intoxicatingly familiar way. “Yeah, God, gonna give it to you so good, best you’ve ever  _ fucking  _ had.” He punctuates his words with a rough squeeze of Calum’s ass in his jeans and Calum whimpers, pushing lightly at Ashton’s chest so they’re both walking clumsily backwards towards his bedroom, kicking off their shoes between kisses, unbuttoning their pants. 

They take a second to rid themselves of their jeans before Calum’s reaching to kiss Ashton again. He goes easily, just like he always does, but he bites at Calum’s lip this time before guiding him to his bed and shoving his shoulders lightly so Calum falls back. Ashton takes a moment to stare at him, panting and hard as he lays there only in his boxers, his soft skin on full display, his eyes hooded and full of lust while he stares at Ashton, biting his lip and trailing his eyes up and down his body. He’s stunning, and Ashton doesn’t want to take anything for granted.

Not ever again. 

Trailing his hand down his own chest teasingly, Ashton toys with the waistband of his underwear before he pulls them down slowly, letting Calum look at him, see how affected he is, how much he wants Calum,  _ always _ wants him. Calum whines when Ashton’s fully naked in front of him, his eyes locked on Ashton’s cock, flushed dark and hard, and Ashton once again feels a twist of pride in his gut at making Calum want him.

He feels almost predatory when he climbs on top of Calum, kissing him deeply and reaching down to tug his boxers off too, growling slightly when he sees Calum’s just as hard as he is, if not harder. He trails kisses down Calum’s chest, pressing them into his soft tummy, down to his thighs. He presses a kiss to the shaft of his cock, making Calum shiver slightly before he goes back up to kiss his lips again. He wants them bruised and swollen by the time he’s finished with Calum, wants to leave his mark on every part of him so he’ll never forget who he belongs to. 

“Did they kiss you like I do?” Ashton asks, feeling a bit wild with it, needing to know. “The other boys?” Calum just whines as Ashton starts grinding against him slowly, rubbing his dick against Calum’s. When he doesn’t answer at all, Ashton slaps his thigh, feeling the sting of it in his palm. “Answer me. Did it  _ fucking _ feel the same when they kissed you?” 

Calum shakes his head ardently. “N-no, feels different.” 

“Did you love it?” Ashton squeezes his thigh, his thumbnail digging in slightly. “Did you kiss them back the same?” 

“Never the same.” Calum moans as Ashton digs his fingernail in slightly harder. “Never like with you.” 

Relief floods Ashton’s body and he leans in, kissing Calum hard and deep, rutting his cock against Calum’s, over and over. It’s music to his ears, knowing for certain that no one compared to him - at least in  _ that _ way. That he can hold onto that, if nothing else. 

Reaching for Calum’s bedside table, Ashton pulls out a bottle of lube, and Calum moans, breathy and wanton when he sees it. Ashton coats his middle finger and shuffles back slightly, hitching his hips up so he can run his wet finger over Calum’s hole, dipping in teasingly a few times before sinking into him, pumping it in and out slowly. 

Calum chokes out a moan, swivelling his hips desperately and throwing a hand over his face, but Ashton, not appreciating losing his view of Calum’s beautiful, unbroken features, grabs his wrist and pins it over his head, his fingers tightening around Calum’s wrist. Calum whines, and Ashton sees his cock twitch against his tummy.

“Did they do this for you, pup?” Ashton can feel the dominance rising in him, the power in him showing. It’s only slightly overshadowed by his need to be reassured, to know that nobody’s ever held the same power over Calum as Ashton does. “Hold you down, make you take it?” Calum shakes his head and Ashton pulls his finger out, covering another one in lube and sinking them both back into Calum. “No, they didn’t. Cause they don’t know how to please you, do they, angel? They don’t know how to fuck you just right, make you fucking cry from how good it is, do they?  _ Do they?”  _

He crooks his fingers, dragging them over Calum’s prostate, and Calum wails, his hips jumping up to meet Ashton’s fingers, making a pathetic little noise when Ashton takes them out again to add more lube. 

“Shhh, I’ve got you.” He adds the third finger along with the other two, fucking Calum on all three of them, and Calum moans long and deep, spreading his legs further apart for Ashton, a slut  _ just _ for him. “I’ve always got you, don’t I, pup? Know just what to do with you, don’t I?” 

Calum moans again, lost in his head, and Ashton crooks his fingers inside him, just to prove to himself that he can draw that little whiney noise Calum makes out of him whenever he wants it. That despite their time apart, Ashton still knows exactly how to make him shudder and gasp like nobody else ever will. 

“That’s right, cause you’re  _ mine,  _ aren’t you? You’re mine, and you fucking know it.” He slides up Calum’s body to kiss him again, still fucking into him hard with his fingers, stroking his tongue against Calum’s hotly, and he pulls away slightly, panting into his mouth. He feels something come over him then, something less dominant and more vulnerable, and he hears his voice shake slightly when he speaks his next words, his lips brushing against Calum’s slightly. “Tell me,  _ please,  _ I need to hear you tell me you’re mine. Tell me it’s only been me, that they haven’t - that no one else has…” 

He doesn’t even want to finish the question, too afraid of the answer, maybe, but Calum shakes his head and whispers against his mouth, “It’s only you. It’s always you.” 

“Fuck,” Ashton whimpers, kissing him again. “I’m gonna fuck you, baby, gonna  _ fuck  _ you, you’re  _ mine.” _

Calum just moans and spreads his legs even further apart, letting Ashton push his body where he wants it on the bed before he’s hitching Calum’s hips up and running his cockhead over the entrance a few times. He pauses for a moment to collect himself, and then he pushes in, burying himself completely inside Calum, groaning and leaning down to kiss him again. He has to stay still for a moment, his body struggling to maintain composure when he hasn’t felt like this in  _ months,  _ and it looks like Calum’s feeling the same, eyes shut tight and panting underneath him while he gets used to the feeling of Ashton’s cock splitting him open.

Ashton starts to move, slowly pushing in and pulling out of him, and he watches Calum’s face as he gasps and bites his lip, feels him pushing back onto his cock after a few thrusts. Ashton drinks him in, every expression he makes, every little noise that escapes his mouth, every hitched breath. He feels high off of it, like he could live off of the feeling of being buried inside Calum, making him moan.

“That’s it baby,” he praises, his entire being surrounded in pleasure he hasn’t known in far too long. As tight as he is, as good as he feels, nothing compares to Calum being the love of Ashton’s life, finally in his arms again.  _ “Fuck,  _ take it so well, all mine, only mine.”

He bites at Calum’s collarbone, thrusting into him faster, building up a rhythm, and he can feel Calum’s dick, hard and leaking where it’s sandwiched between their stomachs. Calum’s taking shuddering gasping breaths every time Ashton slides against his prostate, and Ashton hitches his hips up a little further while he presses Calum’s wrist harder into the sheets. Calum whines and brings his other hand up instinctively, so Ashton uses one hand to hold them both down, taking complete control of Calum, fucking into him harder while Calum whines under him, looking at him with wet, desperate eyes. 

“Say my name, wanna hear you say my name,” Ashton begs, needing to hear it, needing to know they’re both on the same page. Calum just whines and his head rolls to the side, but Ashton lets go of his hip and uses his right hand to grab Calum’s jaw and guide his head back to where he’s looking Ashton in the eye. “Come on, pup, say it, tell me who makes you feel this good.”

Calum whines out his response, shoving back on Ashton’s dick and slurring his words through his pleasure. “Ash, oh,  _ Ashton,  _ fuck, fuck me.” 

“That’s my baby, good boy. Tell me how much you love it.”

“So much,” Calum cries, a tear forming at the corner of his eye. When he blinks it disappears, but Ashton wants to fuck him into the matress, to push him to the point where he can’t stop himself from letting those pretty tears streak down his cheeks. “More, please.” 

Ashton keeps up a steady rhythm and his eyes wander across Calum’s face, zeroing in on his swollen lips. He pushes two fingers into Calum’s mouth and Calum sucks on them greedily, moaning and licking over them like he does when it’s Ashton’s cock in his mouth. Ashton groans and his hips speed up, knocking against Calum’s ass more quickly and he can feel his climax starting to build in the pit of his stomach. “Fuck, baby, gonna cum in you, you’re  _ mine,  _ gonna make you mine.”

“Yeah, yeah, please - ”

“Fuck,  _ fuck.”  _ Ashton’s hips speed up slightly before they still where he’s buried deep inside Calum, filling him up. He grinds into him a few times while he rides it out, the sound of Calum whimpering beneath him echoing in his ears. He comes down slowly and pulls out, kissing Calum while he does. Calum whines into his mouth, and Ashton shushes him, releasing his grip on his wrists and kissing down his chest. He pushes three fingers into Calum and uses his other hand to stroke him, making Calum gasp and shiver, pushing back against his fingers and up into his hand. “Come on, baby, yeah, come on.”

He watches Calum’s face as he starts to cum, memorizing every moan and the way his lips look curled around them, tucking away the picture of it in the corner of his mind so he never has to go without it again. Calum starts squirming after a minute, and Ashton realizes he’s been zoning out and pulls his fingers out slowly, wiping his hand on Calum’s comforter. 

When Calum sees him do it he snorts, but Ashton just flips over after a final kiss to Calum’s lips, boneless and happy. They’ll talk tomorrow about everything. For now, he’s content to fall asleep, wrapped in Calum’s arms. 

For now, he’s happy.

  
  
  


_ July 8 _

In the greenroom, preparing to record an interview for Genius on the meaning behind their lyrics, Ashton begins to feel a bit confused. Last night was incredible, everything Ashton had dreamed it would be, but this morning things were a bit chaotic. They were in such a rush to shower and make their way across the city for the interview that they haven’t had enough time to talk things through just yet. Ashton’s not naive, he knows they have things to discuss before they can be back to their normal selves, but he figured that since they’re back together, Calum would be a bit more open to the PDA they used to exhibit. 

It’s when Ashton tries for the fourth time to wrap his arm around Calum’s shoulder and gets shrugged off that he realizes they need to talk  _ now _ . “What’s going on?” he asks. “You’re acting weird.”

“ _ I’m  _ acting weird?” Calum turns to him, eyebrow quirked. “What are you doing?” He gestures to where Ashton’s standing, his arm poised to try again and reach out, and Ashton’s left confused.

Maybe Calum feels weird being cozy in front of Michael and Luke since they haven’t discussed things yet, but they’re not in the room. Nevertheless, he takes a step back. “Sorry, I’ll lay off until we talk to the boys.” He pauses, biting his lip before continuing, “I’m just impatient, you know? Now that we’re back together, I feel like we have so much time to make up for, I want to - ”

“Ashton, wait.” Calum’s shaking his head as he cuts Ashton off. “What are you talking about?” 

Ashton blinks. “I mean, I won’t be so handsy until they know, right? I get it, it affects them too, we should talk to them first.” Calum looks really uncomfortable and Ashton’s puzzled as to why he looks so lost behind the reasoning. That  _ has _ to be what he’s upset about, Ashton thinks. There’s nothing else that would stop them from pushing things back to the way they used to as soon as possible. 

“Ashton…” Calum sighs, and Ashton feels his heart drop at the pity in his voice alone. “We’re not back together.” 

“ _ What _ ?” 

“We’re not… last night was great, really, it was, but I thought we were on the same page.” Calum refuses to look Ashton in the eye, so Ashton’s left staring, heartbroken again, at the side of his face. “Last night was…  _ last night _ . Nothing’s changed.” 

Scoffing, Ashton takes a step back, completely incredulous at how this has all played out. “Nothing’s changed,” he repeats, and Calum shakes his head, looking at the floor. “You’re joking, right?”

“Ash,” Calum looks up finally, a wet layer over his eyes, and Ashton wants to yell at him for having the audacity to think he can cry when it’s  _ Ashton _ getting fucked over. Again. “I’m so sorry, I thought we were on the same page.”

“You’re  _ fucking  _ kidding me.” Ashton’s hands go up and so does his volume. It feels like March again, the way Calum’s so callously ripping him to pieces like their three years together meant nothing. “You thought we were on the  _ same page? _ ”

With a thick voice, Calum starts, “I thought you knew - ”

“No, shut up.” Ashton holds up a finger, and Calum silences. Ashton takes a second before he speaks again. “You let last night happen when you knew how I felt. You know I’ve been waiting for you this whole time. I haven’t so much as  _ glanced  _ at another person, and you let me  _ fuck  _ you when you knew how much it would mean to me.” 

“Ashton, it meant a lot to me, too.”

Maybe if Ashton were twenty again, he’d believe it. Maybe he’d be able to hear the sorrow and guilt in Calum’s voice and know that it was a misunderstanding, but they’re both too old for this, for this heartless disregard of the other’s feelings. They both knew last night meant something to Ashton. They both - “No.” Ashton closes his eyes tight, shaking his head. “No, it fucking didn’t. That meant shit to you, Calum.  _ Fuck. _ ” He kicks the wall next to him and he hears a gasp from the doorway. He turns and sees Michael and Luke standing there, both watching, shocked and upset. “What?” he snaps. “Do you have something to add? This is everyone’s business, isn’t it?” 

He stands staring at them all, breathing a little heavily, but refusing to feel humiliated - he’s past that point. Together they look between Ashton and Calum before Luke speaks. “You guys slept together?” he asks. and Calum nods, looking at the floor again. 

“ Jesus Christ, Calum,” Michael sighs, but Calum doesn’t say anything, so Ashton talks. 

“And apparently, nothing’s changed. So that’s just great.” 

“I haven’t… figured everything out yet,” Calum defends himself, looking at AShton, hurt in his eyes. “I just need more time.” 

The look Michael gives Calum is full of more disappointment than Ashton’s ever seen between them as a band. “What’s finally going to be enough for you?” he wonders out loud, exasperation coating his voice. “You had me and Luke, too, is that not enough? You need to fuck around even more?”

“It’s not about _fucking around,_ ” Calum snaps, a ferocity in his his voice that has everybody standing up a bit straighter. “It’s romance, I want - it’s a relationship. It’s love. That’s why it wasn’t enough, I want - ”

And that’s it, that’s the end of it. Ashton’s heard enough. Everything Calum’s saying is slicing right through him, and they have an interview to do, so he can’t react right now, can’t let the pain of hearing his love wasn’t enough to keep Calum happy sink in when he has to stay composed. He crosses his arms and takes a deep breath. “I hope you find the love you’re looking for.”

“Ashton…” 

He walks away from Calum, to the studio they’re being ushered into. He can’t take another moment. 

*****

**"Valentine" Official Lyrics & Meaning | Verified Genius**

**Calum:** ‘You love our permanent chase and the bite of our bark.’

**Ashton:** Someone kind of strays, or you know, leans towards… I don’t know, maybe not committing to that person. Uh, they’re always constantly tied back to each other because they’re both very combative.

  
  
  


_ July 16 _

“I have a present for you,” Michael grins, his hand inching towards his jacket pocket, and Luke rolls his eyes, reaching out to grab Michael’s wrist and stop him. 

They’re out on the town tonight, at a private table in the back room of a nice restaurant in Los Angeles celebrating Luke’s birthday. It’s lovely, and Luke’s absolutely head over heels for Michael, but he can’t take even one more gift without going insane. Michael bought him dinner and dessert and showered Luke in compliments all night, which was more than enough to leave Luke completely glowin, happy and rosy-cheeked. 

But that’s not it. There were gifts  _ before _ dinner too. All Luke wants to do now is go home and get fucked like he was promised. He doesn’t need  _ another _ gift. 

“You already did all of this, plus Petunia’s sweater and the leather pants,” Luke reminds him, exhausted just thinking about the effort put into it all. “You don’t have to get me any more.” 

“Yes, I do,” Michael argues cheekily. He reaches in his jacket, successfully this time, and pulls out a box, sliding it over the table to Luke. Luke looks at him curiously then takes the box, running his fingers over it. “Go on…” 

Michael looks a little nervous, and Luke tilts his head at him, smiling a little. Michael gives him an impatient look, and Luke opens the box. It’s just a circle at first, but when his eyes adjust, his smile widens. There’s a silver choker, simple and beautiful, sitting in the box, and Luke lifts it out. It’s half chain, half plate and he turns it over in his hands. He notices a small engraving on the back of the silver plate and brings it closer to read. 

In beautiful, delicate script, it says ‘ _ Wrapped Around Your Finger _ ’

“I know it’s corny,” Michael explains, apprehension lacing his voice when Luke doesn’t immediately speak up. “It’s just. I’ve never stopped feeling that way about you. I want you to know - I  _ need _ you to know how true it still is. I don’t know, maybe it’s everything that’s happened in the past few months, with Cal and Ash, maybe it had me a little scared at first, that you… that you would maybe…” 

“Feel the same way he does?” Luke finishes his thought, and Michael bites his lip, nodding. Luke reaches over the table and gently smoothes his thumb over Michael’s bottom lip. “I feel like my reaction to Calum doing what he’s doing should have been a clear enough sign for you that I don’t feel the same way.” 

With a huff, Michael leans back. “Yeah, probably.” 

“Michael…” Luke tries. Michael looks up at him, and for the first time Luke can see how nervous he is, and it worries him a little, that he wasn’t reassuring enough before. He grabs Michael’s hand. “Mikey, I love you more than anything.” 

Shaking his head, Michael reminds Luke that, “It still wasn’t enough for him.”

“Well, it’s enough for me.”

Michael looks into his eyes, and Luke sees his expression soften in understanding and relief. “And it’s not too corny?” He tilts his head. at the silver choker still in Luke’s left hand.

Luke shakes his head. ”Not at all.” He traces the words engraved on the plate with a grin. “Technically it’s going to be wrapped around my neck, though, so you lose points for accuracy.” 

“My apologies,” Michael snorts. 

“Accepted.” Luke reaches up and tries to put the choker on, but his hair is  _ just _ long enough to get in the way. “Now help me.” 

Michael gets up and stands behind Luke where he’s fumbling with fastening the choker. He does it for him and kisses the back of Luke’s neck, resting his chin on his shoulder. “You ready to go home? Open up your last present?” Luke grins, trying to think of something sexy to say back as Michael’s hand plays with his hair. 

“Oh, is it all wrapped up for me at home?” 

“Huh?” Michael leans back, looking confused at Luke. 

“I  _ mean _ ,” Luke tries again. “Did you wrap it up for me?” 

For a moment Michael doesn’t say anything, but then he’s asking in an almost-too-loud voice, “You mean like… a condom?” 

“What? No!”

“Well, you said wrapped up, so I assumed - ”

“No, nevermind.” Luke drops his head in his hands, feeling a bit ridiculous that they can’t even talk dirty without getting their wires crossed. 

Michael kisses his neck again, and Luke can feel him smiling. “Let’s get going.” 

  
  
  


_ July 31 _

It seems as incredible as the years have been to Michael, they only plan on getting better. The album’s doing incredible, their tour is selling out shows left and right, and Luke Hemmings isn’t going anywhere…well, he’s going  _ somewhere _ . 

After over a year of going back and forth with discussion, Luke’s finally moving in with him. The night of Luke’s birthday, they had a long talk and decided that the time is finally right for them to start moving forward, towards something a bit more permanent. Luke never loved his house, and he’s been spending all his time at Ashton’s anyways, so it made more sense for him to move into where Michael’s built himself a home (read; video game nest) already. 

“Where should this go?” Luke wonders out loud. Michael looks over to see him holding up a framed drawing of himself that he’d gotten from a fan  _ years _ ago. It’s incredibly, unbelievably ugly, but Luke loves it. It was the first he’d ever received from someone, and despite how awful he looks in it, he keeps a place in his heart for the monstrosity. 

Hoping for some assistance, Michael looks to Ashton, who’s helping carry in Luke’s clothing, but Ashton only snorts. “Yeah, Mike,” he teases, grinning a bit too cockily. “Where do you want that? Entryway? Living room over the TV?”

“Uh, maybe the guest bathroom?” Michael offers, hoping he doesn’t sound insincere and pushy in his attempt to get it as far away from public view as possible. 

Luke sniffs and puts it back in its box. “We’ll decide later. I’m exhausted.” He throws himself on the couch and snuggles with a pillow. Michael goes to sit with him, and Ashton abandons the box he’s holding and falls into an armchair. 

As he sits, Michael studies Ashton’s face. He’s not holding himself as tensely as he has been as of late, but he doesn’t look as optimistic and full of joy and humor as he did before… well, just  _ before _ . “How are you holding up?” 

Ashton looks up and bites his lip, shrugging. “I’m okay.” 

“ _ Really? _ ” Luke questions, sounding skeptical. 

Typically, Michael would find himself on the same wavelength as Luke, doubting the candor of Ashton’s statements, but right now, after months of hearing the faux-sincerity in Ashton’s voice as he pretended he was alright, Michael can tell there’s a difference, that he isn’t  _ quite _ as broken as he was before. For what reason, Michael isn’t sure, but he hopes it doesn’t mean that Ashton’s moved on. 

So Michael crosses his fingers and listens as Ashton explains. “No, I really am,” he says, nodding his head assuredly. “I think… no, I know. That night, the night I stayed over? It made things clearer, in a way. We’re always going to find our way back to each other. I don’t have any doubt we’ll end up in the same place again sooner or later, for good. It’s just a question of when.”

“How can you be so sure?” Luke asks. The bottom left corner of his lip is gripped tightly between his teeth - a habit he’s still latched onto from his years with the lip ring - and he watches anxiously as Ashton shrugs. 

“I know him.” It’s plain and simple, matter-of-fact, that way he answers. There’s a confidence there that’s been absent in Ashton since they broke up all those months ago. “I know us.” 

He’s  _ certain _ , which is a little mystifying to Michael, but he hopes his certainty isn’t misplaced. Hopefully he’s right, and Calum finds his way back soon. 

“I hope you’re right,” Michael tells him, and Ashton smiles shortly. 

“I have to be.” 

“Well, for now, all we can do is wait.” He stands up, stretching hard enough that his back cracks. “And find a place for this.” He pulls the picture of Luke out of its box and examines it with a scrunched nose. “You’re sure about this, babe?” 

As Luke looks it over, he grins. It’s almost like he’s not aware how truly horrific it is. “It’s art. We’re displaying it.”

“Guest bathroom it is.” Michael sighs as he makes his way up the staircase. He’s willing to make a lot of sacrifices for love, but this might just be the worst. 

  
  
  


_ August 10 _

It takes too long for Calum to actually find himself  _ interested _ in somebody he's gone out with. James is nice, and Calum had a lot of fun with him on their first date. The conversation came easy between them, and he's actually pretty cute. They left it with a kiss on the cheek and a promise to see each other again soon, which is exactly what Calum promised the other guys, only this time it wasn't hollow - he really wants to go out again. 

Despite feeling admittedly weird about it, Calum has hope for the first time that James might be the one he needs to  _ really  _ figure things out. He’s the first one he’s been with that he felt for a second he could possibly grow love, maybe a little… possibly. 

Late in the afternoon, as Calum's heading to Michael's room to update him on all things romantic, his phone beeps with a text from James. 

**_3:21 - James:_ ** _ Hey! Next time you’re in town, let's meet up. Would an ice cream date be too sappy? _

Calum bites his lip, loving how intuitive James is, catching on to the sweet tooth Calum has, and he thinks for a moment as he walks down the hall before he texts him back. 

**_3:23 - Calum:_ ** _ not sappy at all. looking forward to it! i’ll let you know when i land  _

James sends back a little winky face and Calum puts his phone back in his pocket and stretches, knocking on the hotel room door he's standing in front. Only, Michael doesn't answer the door - Luke does. He gestures for Calum to come in, really, he should've expected Luke to be there, but it’s going to make this talk a little harder. He's not completely ignorant to everything around him - he knows he's not Luke's favorite person. He hasn't been since March, but in the past month, it's gotten painstakingly obvious as to whose side he's on in the whole situation. 

Calum doesn't really blame him, in all honesty. He hasn't had the best handle of things, but he refuses to swallow his thoughts any longer. 

"Can I tell you something?" Calum asks as he approaches the bed Michael's sitting back on, watching as Luke settles as well. Calum sits trepidatiously on the edge, the hesitance that was on his voice shining through with his posture as well. "I met someone." Calum hears Luke huff, but he ignores it, needing advice from Michael more than he needs to entertain Luke's distaste for him. "His name is James. He lives in LA too. We hung out once, and I’m going to see him again when we get back." 

"Okay…" Michael doesn't look excited about the idea, but he isn't shutting Calum down immediately. 

" How do you think I should… navigate this?" Calum cringes at his own phrasing. He doesn't want it to sound like a business transaction or something clinical. Everyone's  _ real _ emotions need to be taken into consideration here. "If we end up… if I keep seeing him. I don’t want Ashton to get hurt." 

Michael laughs, but it seems empty, sarcastic. "That’s not something you can stop," he says with a shrug. "He’s going to be hurt, Cal." 

As Calum's thinking, considering what to do to lessen the sting on Ashton, Luke, with narrowed eyes and pursed lips, asks, "Does James know you’re keeping Ashton as a side piece while you’re dating him?" 

"That’s not what I’m doing," Calum defends himself weakly, frowning at the accusation and hating that he can't think of any way to defend himself. 

"Oh, so you didn’t fuck him last month?" Luke asks rhetorically, his nose turned up. The disdain in his eyes would be visible for a blind man. When all of this is said and done, when Calum's had his successful relationships and found what he needed, when he and Ashton are back together with no doubts between them, Calum hopes he didn't fuck up too severely with  _ Luke _ . Somehow he's the one taking everything the hardest. "Do I have that wrong?" 

" _ No _ , I did. I just mean - "Calum buries his head in his hands. "That’s not what that meant, I didn’t…" He trails off, trying to find his words. That night with Ashton had been special to him, and he’s been kicking himself every day since it happened that he wasn’t clearer about what they both were going to take away from it. He takes full responsibility for the miscommunication, that he ever let Ashton think, for even a moment, that it was more than it was. He had been caught up in the moment of how everything felt, he hadn’t stopped to think about how Ashton would interpret the situation, how much it'd hurt him. "He’s never been a second choice."

"Right, just a reserve then." 

Michael gives Luke a sharp look, and Luke shuts up, but he’s still pouting, still glaring daggers at Calum. His words sting, but Calum doesn’t have the energy to argue with him, especially when he doesn’t have any good points to back himself up with, just a feeling. "I don’t know what to tell you other than what you already know, Cal," Michael advises, his gaze slowly drifting from Luke to Calum. "Don’t rub it in his face. Don’t flaunt it. Don’t mess things up so far you can’t go back." 

Calum nods. Michael’s being as supportive as he can but it's clear that he's not entirely genuine with it, and Calum doesn’t blame him. 

"Thanks." Calum takes a step backwards, turning haphazardly towards the door. "I’m, uh, gonna sleep on it." Luke gives him a half assed wave, looking anything but sad to see him leave, and Michael nods, doing the same much more kindly. 

"See you in the morning." 

Going back to his room, Calum flops on his bed, feeling shitty about how the dynamics of the band are fucking up, but also letting himself be a little excited at the idea of seeing James again, at the idea of maybe not wasting anymore time in his time away from Ashton. 

*****

The moment the door shuts behind Calum, Luke’s turning to Michael and glaring, feeling unbelievably pissed off at Michael for indulging Calum in his stupidity. He wants an explanation, feels like he really deserves one - if not for him, than at least for  _ Ashton _ . “So?” 

“So?” Michael asks, turning to face Luke on the bed. 

“You’re just okay with this? You’re cool with Calum dating  _ James  _ and just ‘not flaunting it’?” He says the other guy’s name like it’s poison, the words taste bad in his mouth, and he doesn’t understand how Michael could stomach even the  _ thought _ of encouraging any of this. 

“Of course I’m not okay with it.” Michael shakes his head, and his voice is subdued. He’s not quite ashamed, but he definitely isn’t  _ proud _ . “You know I’m not, we’ve talked about this.” 

Which is exactly why Luke’s so fucking  _ lost _ . They’ve spent  _ hours _ in bed, discussing the intricacies of Calum and Ashton’s troubled relationship, not holding back on letting their thoughts loose. They’ve tried to see Calum’s side and discussed what Ashton could have possibly done to ease his mind, and it always comes back to the same conclusion - that Calum’s a goddamn idiot for letting it all get this far. 

And that was just when he was still exploring his options. Now that he's found someone suitable to actually  _ date _ , now that he’s thinking of getting into a relationship with anybody on Earth other than Ashton Irwin, the only person he’s ever wanted, Luke’s appalled that Michael's condoning it. It isn't that hard to tell Calum he's being stupid as fuck and needs to get his head out of his ass, but Michael apparently isn't aware of the ease. "So why aren’t you trying to get him to stop? Why aren’t you shooting down his stupid ideas?"

"Because it’s not going to matter what I say." His words come out with a sigh, and he leans his head back against the headboard of the bed. "It’s Calum, he’s going to do what he’s going to do. And I don’t want to turn my back on him completely. He’s my best friend." Luke glares at him for a moment. 

"He’s a slug."

Michael snorts. "Don’t hold back."

"I’m just…" Luke trails off, groaning as he throws his own head back. It's frustrating that everybody's compliant to Calum's fuckery - even Ashton. "I’m so  _ mad  _ at him. I don’t know how you can sit there and pretend to be okay with everything."

As he shrugs, Michael sits silently, thinking over his words. "Relationships take time," he finally settles on, rolling his neck slowly until he's looking at Luke, smiling gently, a bit of sorrow in his eyes. "And sometimes they need space apart. You needed time before you were sure about me, remember?" Luke bites his lip, remembering the year he took between their first and second kiss to get his mind straight and realize that Michael was  _ it _ for him. "Calum never took time to process anything. Yeah, it’s not an ideal time for him to step back, but I have to respect that he isn’t, like, waiting 'til after they’re married to wonder what else is out there."

Luke fiddles with one of his rings. Michael’s probably right, but that doesn’t mean he’s happy about it. He sighs and snuggles into the covers, facing away from his boyfriend, but still keeping his fingers crossed for a cuddle. "I hope James has a micropenis." 

"Me too," Michael agrees. The sound of a switch echoes in the room as the light shuts off, and then Michael's arms are wrapping around Luke's torso, tugging him close. He has to hide his smile in the pillow so Michael doesn't think he's pleased. 

He needs to be mad about this for a bit longer. 

  
  
  


_ August 16 _

Perhaps Ashton's taking a bit too long in the bathroom, but they're in Adelaide for the night, and he's rooming with Calum. Normally Ashton would room with Luke - and Calum with Michael - since they were only able to book two rooms, but Luke insisted on having time with his boyfriend, apologizing to Ashton as he explained that it had been almost a week, and they needed time alone. Ashton’s just finishing up in the shower, towelling himself off in a half-assed way before he wraps his towel around his waist and bites the bullet. He opens the bathroom door to hear Calum finishing up a phone conversation.

" _ Yeah, yeah, that’ll be fun _ ," Calum's speaking into the phone, not whispering but keeping his voice intentionally low. "I’m always down for a walk in the park, sounds nice. Okay, great. Yeah, I’ll see you soon. Kay. Have a good night. Bye." Ashton listens to him finish up the call, leaning against the door frame. 

At first, it hurts, how Calum's going on these dates and seeing these men while Ashton just sits by and waits. But when he remembers  _ why _ he's waiting, when he thinks about how inevitable it is that they'll end up together, it takes some of the sting away. It's been months and Calum hasn't found anyone worth giving his attention to, hasn't focused on any single person, and hasn't fucked them. Ashton's the only one in the world Calum's ever going to want completely, and if he has to wait around, he will… but that doesn't mean he won't have a bit of fun with it. 

Calum hits end and looks up, seeing Ashton watching. His eyes travel down Ashton’s body quickly, and Ashton stifles a laugh when he sees Calum gulp and look down at his lap.

"Got a hot date?" He asks, smirking despite wanting to keep things from escalating. He just can't help but want to tease Calum, to make him blush and stutter and realize that nobody gets under his skin the same way Ashton does, and that he'll never like anybody taking control as much as he craves for Ashton to.

Calum shrugs, refusing to look Ashton in the eye. "Just, uh, just ice cream," he says, running his thumbs over the sleek edges of his phone. "When we get home." 

"Have you seen him before?" 

When the blush hits Calum's face, it feels victorious in a way that nothing has since his birthday. "Yeah, once." 

Ashton starts walking towards him, and Calum looks up, watching him make his way over. "What’s he like?" 

"Uh, he’s nice."

"Nice, huh?" Once he's standing in front of Calum, he reaches out and hooks a finger under Calum’s chin to bring his eyes up to Ashton’s from where they were focused on his naked torso. Calum nods as an answer, his lips parted just slightly, and Ashton hums. "Sounds exciting." 

Calum shrugs, and Ashton grins internally. Something in him feels cocky, like he’s in control right now. He already knows Calum’s going to wind up back with him, and it's an easy decision to tease him a little bit in the meantime. And he’s allowed to after everything he’s been through.

"Tell me, pup." He runs a hand through Calum’s hair. "Has he touched you yet?" Calum’s still looking in his eyes, and Ashton tilts his head while he waits for an answer. Slowly, Calum shakes his head. "No? Why not?" Calum shrugs, and Ashton leans down a little, so his face is closer to Calum’s. He feels Calum’s breath hitch. "I think you’re scared, baby. I think you know no one else is gonna do it like I can. Am I right?" 

The power trip behind talking down to Calum is everything to Ashton. He's missed sharing his love, he's missed cuddling and singing to each other, and staying up late giggling at nonsense, more than words can say, but the ache of Calum's absence is filled only slightly when Calum doesn’t say anything, blushing as he bites his bottom lip. Ashton runs his hand through Calum's hair again, this time pausing at the nape of his neck and tugging slightly. Calum whines, quiet and low in his throat, and Ashton smirks.

"You know what I think?" Ashton asks, his voice mocking, gentle in an almost cruel way. Calum looks at him with wide eyes, still not responding. "I think that even if he does touch you, even if you let him  _ fuck  _ you… I think you’ll be thinking of me the whole time." Calum’s breathing is heavy now, and Ashton tugs his hair slightly again, just wanting to hear Calum whine again. "Thinking about how much better it was with me. How much harder I can make you come. I think he’s going to leave you absolutely, completely…" He trails his hand from the back of Calum’s head to his jaw, then his lips, running his thumb over the bottom one, still looking Calum in the eyes. " _ Unsatisfied _ ."

He straightens up then, stretching, ignoring Calum’s heavy breathing, and saunters over to his bed, starting to get ready to sleep. He knows he's walking away from a sure thing. He can tell how easy it would be to fall back into bed with Calum, but as much as he might want it, he’s not going to. He can tease Calum all he wants, but at the end of the day, his heart still needs protection, and sleeping with Calum again would just fuck with his head even more. He’s not fucking him again until they’re together. Completely, without a doubt,  _ together _ . He settles into bed and tries to ignore the sound of Calum rustling around in his own bed, clearly unable to sleep. 

  
  
  


_ August 22 _

There's been a lot of second guessing for Calum's choices in the past few months, mostly from Luke, but lately the doubt has been building inside of  _ himself _ . He knows he needs to gain experience, needs to see what a relationship outside of Ashton is like, but the extents to which he's going have started to pull at his core, making him fearful of what his future holds if he keeps this up. 

As for the  _ actual _ dates, James is still great. Now that they're home for a few days, Calum let himself be taken for ice cream, and now they’re sitting on a park bench, enjoying each other’s company. Calum’s having a really nice time, but there's some uncertainty hiding in the corner of his mind. It makes having fun with James really tough. 

He’s thinking of what they could possibly do on their next date and when they can set it up when a gaggle of geese waddle past them. "Did you know geese mate for life?" James asks, his deep voice cutting through their comfortable silence. 

"Is that a fact?" Calum asks, staring at the birds.

James nods. "I read it online. Apparently they take their romantic partnerships very seriously."

The conversation comes easy between them, which is something Calum looks for in relationships. Or at least, that's what he had with Ashton. Not that he looked for it, it just happened that way. That perfectly. 

"That’s very respectable," he says, nodding past a lump in his throat, anxiety hitting him viscerally, making him glad he's sitting down. 

"You think so?"

"Absolutely." Calum nods, hoping he comes off assuredly and not as hesitant as he is. "I’ve always said nothing feels more romantic to me than a goose."

James chuckles, nodding along. "Domesticity is pretty admirable." He points at two geese walking side by side. "Those two probably have five kids and a mortgage at this point." 

"I hope their children are doing well in goose school."

"Who knows," James shrugs. "Maybe that’ll be us someday. Five kids is a lot though, I’d say we shoot for two baby geese and see how that feels first." 

Calum laughs, but he feels something twist in his stomach. It was only a joke, but he’s never had anyone say anything to him that felt so wrong. There's been something itching under his skin all day, but as soon as James had spoken, Calum had immediately thought,  _ 'but I’m marrying Ashton _ .’ It's always there, at the back of his mind, the knowledge that he and Ashton are going to live out their lives together, but the context of the thought, what he thought about it in response to, is a bucket of cold water over his head. He feels mildly terrible about that, the realization hitting him all at once that he’s both never going to find anyone that he wants to have a romantic experience with other than Ashton, and the fact that he’s using this perfectly lovely man to gain more experience when he knows in his heart that he’s never going to end up with him. It’s not fair, none of this is fair to  _ anyone _ , and he takes a deep breath.

"Hey," Calum says abruptly, voice shaking. "I'm really sorry about this, but I think I need to get going." 

"Oh!" James' eyes are wide as he sits up straighter. "Did I, um, did I say something wrong? I was just kidding about - "

"No, no, not at all." Calum stands up, shaking his head. He looks down at the bench as James stands as well, making sure he didn't put anything down that he could forget. "You’ve been so, so great, really. I had such a good time today. And I’d love to still be friends if you’re okay with that." 

When James' nose crinkles, recoiling slightly at Calum's hurried explanation, he realizes how random and disappointing this all probably seems to him. "I mean, it’s not ideal but I’ll take what I can get, right?" 

"I’m sorry," he apologizes. He runs his hand through the hair curling at his forehead. His mind is racing, and there's so many things he wants to say, but none of them sit properly. "My head’s just not in this. It has nothing to do with you."

"You don’t have to apologize. I am going to get going though, I’m not going to pretend my pride isn’t the tiniest bit wounded."

"Understood." 

They part with an awkward wave, and Calum thinks maybe, possibly, in another world, they'd be a really good match. As it stands now, though, there's nobody on Earth better suited for him than Ashton. He watches James walk down the park path and takes a deep breath. He can hear Michael’s words echoing in his head,  _ ‘Don’t mess things up so far you can’t go back _ ,’ and he really hopes he hasn’t reached that point yet. There’s no doubt in his mind what he wants now, he wants Ashton back, in every way, and he’s terrified that he can’t have him anymore.

  
  
  


_ September 1 _

It had taken quite a bit of convincing for Calum to get Luke to come to the Allentown, Pennsylvania state fair with him, and Luke doesn’t think he was unreasonable for shooting Calum down twice before agreeing. Calum’s not one of his favorite people right now, and they both know it. Ashton and Michael know it, too. Hell, Luke wouldn't be surprised if the fans started catching on, in all honesty. 

He can't help but be the tiniest bit cold to him while they ride in, but he can tell Calum wants to talk to him about something, and there’s nothing Luke hates more than not being clued in, so he’s at least being civil in hopes of getting some information out of Calum. 

There's not much going on in terms of activities, so they're looking at the pigs, now, elbows leaning on the wooden gate to the enclosure, watching two piglets mill around happily in their muddy pen. Calum hasn’t said anything for a few minutes, and Luke’s about to die of impatience when he finally talks. "Okay, I need to tell you something," he finally says, words rushing out of him like he's on a time restraint. "And ask you something." 

"Go ahead," Luke shrugs. He keeps looking at the pigs, trying to seem nonchalant, like he hasn't been curious as to the meaning behind this last-minute visit to a midwestern fairground the entire time. 

"I know that I’ve been stupid this past year or so - "

"Yes, you have," Luke interrupts, not paying any mind to Calum's pout in his peripheral. 

Calum nods, not taking Luke's words as harshly as he's crossing his fingers for. "And I know you don’t have the highest opinion of me right now." 

"In some regards." Still not looking at him, Luke tilts his head. He feels kind of like he wants Calum to be so insulted that he never speaks to Luke again, but he also wants to know why he was brought to the fair, and it's a thin line to walk. He almost bites his tongue, but then decides if it's really important, Calum will take the tongue lashing he deserves. "Your bass skills are spectacular. Your relationship skills leave much to be desired." 

Instead of breaking down in tears - something that would've eased the pain of the past few months if only slightly for Luke - Calum just sighs. "Yeah, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about." 

And that just - 

"If you’re about to ask me for advice on dating some new guy, you can forget about - "

"No, no," Calum cuts off Luke's suddenly aggressive voice, most likely sensing the anger behind the idea that Calum would come to him for advice about anything when he's hurt Ashton so callously. "That’s not it." He doesn’t say what it is, though, and Luke stares at the piglets, waiting for him to talk again, chewing on the inside of his lip. One of them slips in the mud, and he snorts in laughter. The pig snorts back. 

"… I want him back."

At first, Luke thinks maybe he heard Calum wrong, but when Calum doesn't say anything else, and Luke’s left with his words echoing in his head, he knows he didn’t. "Back how?" 

"Huh?" 

Luke glares forward, feeling like Ashton's gate keeper when he asks with a sharp tongue, "You mean you want him back like, you’re ready to actually commit to him and give him what he deserves, or you want him back for a night before you leave him, and break his heart all over again?" 

Calum winces. "I deserved that." 

"Yes, you did." 

"I never want to do that again, though," he starts to explain. Luke still isn't looking at him, too afraid that this isn't happening, that he'll turn and discover he's been talking to his shadow, and there'll be six more weeks of heartbreak. "I mean I want him back, completely. I know I’ve been selfish, I know I messed up, and a part of me regrets it, but I also did what I had to to get to this point. I’ve never been more sure of what I want. And it’s him." Luke stays quiet, taking it all in. "I know you’ve been closer to him lately. I need to know, if I talked to him, if I asked him… I just want to know how he’s feeling right now."

A sick part of Luke kind of wants to mess with him, wants to tell him that Ashton's seeing someone and doesn't know if he wants to get back with Calum just yet, but after six months of bullshit, he doesn't want Ashton to have to wait any longer to be happy. "I really wish I could tell you he wouldn’t be interested, because you don’t  _ deserve _ for him to be, but that man hasn’t so much as thought about moving on. He’s been waiting for you this whole time, Cal. You know that." Luke sees the corners of Calum’s mouth turn up a bit, and he glares. "Don’t smile." They drop, and Calum looks at him confused. "You’ve got a lot of fucking work to do, Calum. Just because he’ll take you back doesn’t mean he’ll trust you. It doesn’t mean it’ll be the same. You broke down everything the two of you had, and you’re the one who’s going to have to start building it up again." 

"I know," Calum says. He's nodding, head just a blur as far as Luke can see. "I know I ruined things. But he’s worth the work." 

One of the piglets snorts, and Luke stares at it contemplatively. It’s weird, trying to figure out if he’s being genuine or not, because for as long as he’s known Calum, he’s been nothing but honest with everything. Even through all of this, he’s been open about what he’s doing and what he wants, which means Luke has no reason to doubt his intentions now. He nods. "Okay."

"Okay?" 

"I hope you do him right this time, Cal. If you fuck up again, I won’t hesitate to burn your favorite leather jacket to dust." 

"You borrow that jacket all the time," Calum laughs. 

"Which is how you know I mean business. It would hurt me just as much as you. But I’d do it for Ashton." Calum chuckles and shakes his head. They watch the pigs for a few more moments before Luke finally turns to him, taking in his soon to be ex-ex-best friend. "Okay, now I have something to tell you. But you can’t tell  _ anyone  _ else." 

  
  
  


_ September 5 _

It’s been a little bit since Luke disappeared to say goodnight to Michael, and Ashton’s beginning to think he’s just going to end up staying the night down the hall when there’s a knock at the door. Ashton’s on his bed, lying down and scrolling through his Spotify, trying to make a playlist to fit his mood, and he sighs as he gets up, assuming Luke lost his key card like he always does. When he opens the door, it’s Calum standing there, though. Luke isn’t anywhere to be seen. 

“Uh,” Ashton’s eyebrows furrow, peeking down the hall in both directions. “I think you’re staying with Michael down the hall.” 

As he gestures to the door across the hall and down one door, Calum nods and rubs the back of his neck. “Yeah, I, uh, asked Luke to swap with me.”

“Why?” The last time they roomed together, Ashton caught the tail-end of Calum’s conversation with a guy he was seeing, a guy he was  _ dating _ . Ashton doesn’t want to wake up in the middle of the night to him letting a stranger into the room. Sleeping in separate rooms has done wonders for Ashton’s psyche in this shit situation, and he refuses to watch his composure slip away just because Calum wants to mix-up the sleeping arrangements every once in a while. 

“I need to talk to you,” Calum says, plain and simple.

Knowing that he’s probably being annoying, but not wanting to let Calum in so easily and disrupt his piece of mind, Ashton asks, “About what?”

“Can I please come in?” Calum’s always seen through him, and it’s clear he’s getting impatient with Ashton’s questions. Ashton opens the door wider and lets Calum into the room. He beelines straight to the other wall and sits on the end of Ashton’s bed, looking up at him. “I don’t really know where to start…”

“Start what?” 

“Uh.” Calum blows out a deep breath, and Ashton’s body suddenly stills. The hotel door slips closed where he isn’t holding it open anymore, and Calum nods once. “So, these past few months have been hard, for everyone, and I needed to sit down with you and - ”

Ashton feels a little bit of panic rise up at his words. As confident of a persona he puts on, as sure that he is that he and Calum are meant for each other, he’s been waiting for this for a long time, for Calum to sit him down and tell him he’s finally found someone new, someone else he loves  _ more _ than Ashton, and that things are over for good. He’s not ready to hear it, and he cuts Calum off. “It went well, then? With James?”

“What?”

“Your date,” he clarifies, speaking through a dry throat, each word grating and aching on it’s way out. “I understand, honestly, I’m just not really ready to talk about this right now, I’m sorry - ”

“No, no,” Calum shakes his head a few times, cutting Ashton off. “That’s not what I wanted to say, it, um…” He blinks a few times, looks down at the floor then back up at where Ashton’s standing with his arms crossed, looking down at Calum. “It didn’t. Go well, I mean.”

“Oh.”

Calum shrugs, face still completely unreadable with whatever he’s trying to say. “It, uh. It went fine.” 

There’s a low level of frustration running underneath the surface of Ashton’s skin. He’s not sure why Calum needed to come to his room to tell him that his date was  _ fine _ . That’s not something he needed to know. It hurts him enough knowing when Calum’s out with someone, he doesn’t want to hear anything about it, doesn’t want to be teased with the premise of potential when all Ashton’s thought about since March is finally having Calum back in his arms for good. 

“Great.” He puts on a fake smile that he knows isn’t convincing, but he can’t find it in him to care. “I’m glad it went fine. If that’s all, I was about to go to sleep.”

“No, that’s not _all_ ,” Calum says. He huffs, running his hands tensely through his hair, messing it up a little. Ashton has to bite his lip against saying it always looks better a bit ruffled. “I’m sorry, I’m just trying to collect my thoughts. It went fine. He was nice. He was funny. We had ice cream and walked in the park. He complimented me and I liked it, it made me feel good. He - ”

The way he’s speaking sounds mindless, like he’s reading off a list, a mantra. Ashton purses his lip and interjects, “Why are you telling me this? Did you come to my room just to make me feel like shit, Cal? Why would you tell me - ”

“Because it didn’t  _ matter _ ,” Calum snaps, but there’s no bite behind it. He’s looking up at Ashton, beautiful amber eyes shining in the dull lighting. “None of it fucking mattered. I went on a great date with a great guy and I had fun and I should have wanted to see him again but I don’t care if I do because all I could think about was  _ you. _ ”

Ashton can only blink. “Oh.”

“I know I’ve been selfish,” Calum continues. He stands up, emphasizes the point he’s about to try and make, but Ashton keeps space between them, stepping back. “And I haven’t treated you how you deserve to be treated, but there’s no one in the world I’m ever going to love more than I love you. There’s no one I’m going to want more than you. I’ve missed you every day since I walked out.” In all honesty, with as much anticipation that Ashton held for a moment like this to come, now that it actually has, he’s left confused. He has no idea what to say, so he says nothing. Calum’s looking up at him, his voice is surprisingly steady for how his hands are twisting in his lap. “I know I don’t get to call the shots here anymore. So I’m just here to tell you how I feel.” 

It’s listless as he parrots, “How you feel…”

“I’m never going to find someone I love more than you, and I’m tired of pretending I might. I’m so in love with you, Ashton. I always have been. And I miss you, and I’m sorry, I’m so  _ sorry  _ for what I put you through.” Through all of Calum’s words, Ashton’s quiet, his mind reeling with every new statement. “So that’s it. I guess. I’m in love with you, I want to be with you, and I’ll do anything it takes to make that happen. That is, if that’s what you want too. Which, I hope it is.”

“I don’t… know.” 

It’s too good to be true, in Ashton’s mind. As he’s standing eye-to-eye with Calum Hood, the only person who’s ever held Ashton’s entire heart in their hand, he feels cautious, doubtful. He knows he’ll never be as happy with anybody as he will with Calum, but being faced with the opportunity, having to put his love on the line and risk getting his heart broken again, he doesn’t know if he can just accept the apology and move on. 

“You don’t know if you want to be with me?” Calum asks, and Ashton isn’t imagining the slight panic in his voice. He shakes his head to ease Calum’s worry. 

“I know  _ that _ . I just…” He sighs and sits on the hotel room floor, his back against the chest of drawers, looking at Calum across from him, now easing himself back on the bed. “I don’t know what to believe anymore. How do I know you won’t do this again? How do I know this isn’t like that one night? Because that almost did me in, Calum, I can’t take that again.” 

As the mention of Ashton’s birthday night comes up, Calum winces, hurt painting his face. Though Ashton wants to think  _ ‘good’ _ about Calum recognizing the pain of that night, he also hates seeing Calum doing anything but smiling, and his heart echoes the pangs of discomfort from remembering the sticky situation they’d gotten themselves into. 

“That night…” Calum shakes his head, eyes fluttering before his gaze is rolling up and he’s staring at the ceiling for a moment. “We didn’t talk first. And that was a big mistake. You told me to just ‘ _ let you have this’ _ , and I thought you meant… what happened. I didn’t know, and that’s no excuse, I should have been clear, but Ashton, I never wanted to hurt you, the last thing I ever want to do is hurt you, and it’s all I’ve been doing for so long. All I want to do now is make it up to you, and I know I ruined so much, but if you’ll just give me that chance, I want to try.”

More than anything, Ashton wants so badly to believe him, but there’s one thing holding him back from saying yes, one thing that’s been nagging at him for a long time now. “I would never have done this,” he says through the lump in his throat. “I could never have let you go the way you let me go.”

“I know,” Calum nods. And if seeing the tears in the corner of his eyes wasn’t sign enough that he was on the verge of crying, the shake to his voice would give it away. “I know you wouldn’t have, I was awful - ”

“No, that’s not…” Ashton’s speaking gently as he stops Calum from beating himself up over something that’s already been done. “That’s not what I was trying to say.” He pushes his palms into his eyes, not wanting to look at Calum for what he’s going to say next, feeling too vulnerable. “I’m  _ scared _ . That you never loved me as much as I loved you. I’m scared that you’ll leave me again because you never really felt the same.”

Calum doesn’t speak for a minute, and it takes Ashton that long to pull his eyes away from his face and look up. Calum looks deep in thought before he wipes a runaway tear from the curve of his cheek. “I’m so sorry. Fuck, I’m so sorry, Ash. I ruined everything, I wasted so much time. But I’ve loved you since the day I met you, I swear, you have to believe me.”

“I want to, I just don’t know  _ how,  _ after this I don’t know what to think.”

It seems hopeless for a moment, the two of them certain of wanting to be together, but unsure of how to move past what’s blocked them for six months. Calum looks down, almost seeming defeated, and then his eyes go wide. 

“Wait right here. Promise me you’ll wait right here?” Calum checks as he stands up again. Ashton furrows his eyebrows and nods. “Okay. Okay, I’ll be right back.” He runs out the hotel room door and leaves Ashton alone with his thoughts. 

In the meantime, Ashton stays seated and waits, trying to process everything Calum’s told him and make sense of it in his head. If what Calum’s saying is true, half of Ashton’s brain is doing cartwheels in happiness, ecstatic at the prospect of having everything back to the way it was - but the other half knows that they’ll never be the way that they  _ were _ . Ashton is full of doubt and insecurity, and the careless relationship they held before seems impossible. 

He’s been cocky recently, telling himself it was only a matter of time before Calum came back to him and things could be like they were before. But now, presented with what he’s been hoping for, worry is setting in. What if Calum really didn’t love him the same way all this time? What if he was just waiting to find someone else and it didn’t work out, so he came back to Ashton by default? How is he supposed to know?

His thoughts are cut short when Calum rushes back through the door, shutting it behind himself. He’s holding three notebooks, leather bound and worn out, and Ashton recognizes them immediately. They’re the notebooks Calum’s been carrying around with him since before they met. Ashton’s seen them with him throughout the years but he’s never pried. Though once, he did ask Calum what he did with them, and Calum just told him he wrote down occasional song ideas, moments to remember, et cetera. 

“I think these could help,” Calum states, sitting on the floor across from Ashton, holding the three notebooks. 

“Your song notebooks?”

Calum shakes his head, placing the notebooks on the ground, keeping the cleanest looking one in his hand. “They’re not song notebooks. They’re  _ journals _ .” He looks down, running his hand over the slightly-wrinkled cover. “I’ve been writing in them since I was fifteen. Around the time we started the band, actually. A lot was going on, and I needed somewhere to collect my thoughts, somewhere to keep memories I didn’t want to forget. I didn’t want anything important to slip through the cracks." 

He looks up at Ashton. "I guess it kind of did anyways.”

Unsure of what these journals could possibly say that would convince Ashton that Calum’s in this for good, he doesn’t say anything back. Calum sifts through the journals and opens the one that looks the newest, looking back up at Ashton before he opens it to a random page in the middle.

“ _ August 25th, 2017, _ ” Calum recites from the paper, glancing back up with a smile for a moment. “ _ Today Ashton and I went to the cutest cafe I’ve ever seen, with maybe the best strawberry tarts in the world. They were sweet, but not as sweet as Ashton. The song he wrote for me was amazing, it came completely out of the blue but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t cry a little _ .”

Holding back a snort, Ashton thinks about seeing Calum across from him at the cafe in Copenhagen. He remembers Calum trying to pretend he wasn’t crying at the silly lyrics Ashton sang to him. That was only a year ago… and they were somewhere so completely different from where they are now. 

“ _ But that’s what Ashton always does, isn’t it? _ ” Calum continues. “ _ He always catches me off guard. You’d think by now I’d be used to how he makes me feel, but I’m not. I don’t think I’ll be used to it for the rest of my life, and I don’t want to be. I want him to keep surprising me. _ ” 

Ashton looks down at his knees while Calum talks, and he lets the words soak in. It’s sweet, and it’s an inside look into Calum’s mind that he’s never had before. He hears Calum shuffling paper, landing on another page before he speaks again. 

“ _ March 21st, 2017. Vegas as an adult wasn't anything like I'd expected it to be. It was so much better. I don't know what it is about Ashton, but he makes every day something to remember. I won him a lizard on the midway, and he got me caramel corn. I'm twenty-one years old, and I have butterflies in my stomach. He makes falling in love a part of my daily routine. What did I do to deserve him? _ ” 

As Calum’s voice shakes towards the end, Ashton bites his lips against a smile. “I still have that lizard.” It’s all he can really think of to say - the part about Calum falling in love with him every day hitting him from all angles. He’s melting a little bit inside, hearing it, but he doesn’t want to show it. 

It’s going to take more than a few nice memories to fix this - Ashton  _ needs  _ to be strong. 

Calum flips again, more towards the beginning of the journal. “ _ August 5th, 2016. As much as I love the band and touring and making music, I don't think I'd be upset if we had to stay in Hawaii forever. There's a peak we hiked at yesterday that has this incredible view - we could eat breakfast there every morning and spend the rest of the day exploring the woods. _ ” At the reminder of their holiday together, Ashton makes an inaudible noise in the back of his throat. It was just them for ten days, alone in Hawaii. Ashton doesn’t think he can handle much more if the memories keep hitting this hard. “ _ Ashton made a joke that it all looks the same from a distance and we wouldn't be able to find our way back if we left the trail. It's been a day, and I keep thinking about how cheesy it would be to tell him I was already lost in his eyes. _ ” 

Sniffling and trying to discreetly wipe his eyes, Ashton teases, “That  _ is  _ cheesy.” He’s having a hard time pretending he didn’t love it, though, the blush on his cheeks is probably obvious and his tone is unbearably soft, like it only is with Calum. 

“Which is exactly why I didn’t tell you then,” Calum says back. He looks playful at first, but his smile softens, melting into something much more sad. “I wish I had.” Calum’s looking back at him with earnest eyes before he sets down the notebook and picks up another one. This one is slightly older looking, a little more worn and Ashton can see ink stains on the spine. “ _ October 23rd, 2015. If there’s one thing I know I’ll never regret, it’s sleeping with Ashton. Not just because it was amazing (which it was), but because of the way he’s treating me now. I feel so loved I might explode. He keeps finding ways to touch me, even when he’s on TV. Michael even told him he was being extra, but I don't think he cares. And I don’t either. I’m so happy right now I don’t care what happens for the rest of the day. _ ”

"I didn’t want to let go of you, did I?" Ashton asks, feeling a bit starry eyed. He remembers the feeling well, of being stuck like a magnet to Calum for a while after that night, like he’d die if they weren’t connected in some way.

"I didn’t want you to, either," Calum whispers, like it's a secret. Ashton smiles slightly and fiddles with the ring on his middle finger. Calum flips backwards to another page. " _ February 4th, 2015. Ashton's in the shower right now, and all I can do is ask myself why I'm not in there with him. How stupid am I for not getting together with him sooner? Why did I take so long to believe him? There's nobody in the world I'll ever love more than Ashton Irwin, and I -  _ "

When he stops talking, Ashton glances up, wondering, "You what?" 

"You walked out of the shower then and I got distracted," he admits, flipping back and forth between that page and the next one. "I never finished it."

Ashton huffs out a laugh. "That sounds like you."

Calum flips to another entry and smiles something soft before he starts reading. " _ January 1st, 2015. Ashton kissed me last night _ ." Ashton feels remembrance at the pit of his stomach, he can feel what it was like at that party, on that bed the first time they kissed. He can still smell the fabric softener on the comforter. " _ It feels weird writing that, like it can’t possibly be true. But it is! He told me he loves me, and that he wants to be with me, and I swear, when we kissed, it was like everything I’ve been dreaming for years finally came true. The only thing is, I’m scared. I’m scared he’s only doing this because he wants to be in love. If I let him in and he ends up not feeling the same way about me, I think I’d die. I told him I was worried and he told me he was going to prove it to me. I’m not sure what that means yet, but I don’t know if I have the willpower not to kiss him again for however long it takes. Not now that I know what it feels like _ ."

There are tears welling up in Ashton's eyes now, and he wipes them away quickly, talking through it. "You had the willpower."

"Pretty stupid of me, huh?" He's still staring at the journal, shaking his head at the passage in front of him. "But I know what it’s like to wonder if someone loves you as much as you love them. That’s something I wish I never had to make you feel."

Ashton doesn’t respond, just sniffles and waits while Calum turns to another random page. 

" _ July 24th, 2014. Michael Clifford is dead to me. _ " Calum's narration is dramatic, the words coming out like venom, and Ashton smiles to himself, wondering what happened to motivate this entry. " _ He's betrayed me in the worst way and I'll never trust him again. He knew how much I loved Ashton, and he slept with him even after promising me he wasn't interested. When I kissed Luke, I did it to help him, but I don't think Michael helped Ashton when they had marathon sex behind my back _ ." Ashton snorts, remembering what it was like with Michael, how awkward and fumbling and quick. The memory hits of the night in the hotel when Calum stormed inside in a rage. If only he knew then that sleeping with Michael was that cataclysm that motivated Ashton into recognizing his feelings for Calum. " _ I'm never going to forgive him, and if Ashton and I end up getting married, I'm inviting everybody in the world except for Michael. Fuck, I hope he really does go bald. _ " 

Ashton laughs at that one, through the tears steadily running down his face. He wipes his eyes and sniffs, trying not to let everything go too easily. "I can’t believe you loved me, already, then." 

Calum chuckles and shakes his head. "Already?" He says it like a tease, and Ashton cocks his head. Calum picks up the last journal. It’s the oldest looking one, worn out and a little faded. He flips to the back again and opens it to a random page. " _ March 8th, 2014. Dear Dia -  _ " He pauses. "Uh, I mean.  _ March 8th, 2014. _ " 

At the poorly-conveyed cover up, Ashton snorts. Calum glares and turns back to the journal. 

" _ I still can't believe we're friends with All Time Low, that's fucking crazy. We took shots with Jack before they played, if Michael wasn't too wrapped up in Luke, I think maybe he would've tried to make a move. Could you imagine? That's been Michael's biggest wet dream since we met. Alex was there too, and I think I'm probably mostly over having a crush on him. Ashton helped me choose my outfit for tonight, and he told me I looked perfect. What do you think he meant by that _ ?" 

"I was jealous," Ashton's saying before he even thinks about it. He had forgotten that had even happened, but in the back of his mind he remembers being confused on why he felt the need to cover Calum's body up as if it were his property. "I specifically picked out your ugliest clothes for you." 

Almost like it makes perfect sense to him, Calum nods understandingly. "I kind of wondered why you were so insistent on that oversized grey outfit." 

Ashton shrugs. "Didn’t want Alex Gaskarth stealing you away, did I?" Calum smiles, shaking his head, and flips to a new page.

"August 21st, 2013.  _ We all got a little drunk last night. It was nice, just hanging out and letting go of the stress of touring for a little bit. Ashton and I talked most of the night, like we’ve been doing a lot recently. He told me again that he was sorry for how he acted towards me when we first met. As if I was still mad about that. He couldn’t make me mad if he tried. I can’t leave out the most important part of the night, though - he kissed me _ ." Ashton furrows his eyebrows. He definitely didn’t kiss Calum, that's something he'd never let himself forget. " _ Okay, he kissed my cheek. But it still counts! I’m really starting to feel like he definitely has a crush on me. I’m not gonna ask him cause I don’t want to scare him away but… I feel like I can tell _ ." 

There's a red blush staining Calum's cheeks, he's clearly embarrassed at his younger self, but Ashton’s melting a little inside, still sniffling every now and then, wiping his eyes with his sleeve. Calum flips to the next entry and takes a deep breath when he sees what it is. 

"Okay, please don’t laugh at this one." Ashton mimes crossing his heart, and Calum shakes his head and takes another deep breath. " _ April 20th, 2013. I think Ashton Irwin might be in love with me. We're writing a song together, and as we were cuddling tonight -  _ cuddling _ \- he asked where I get my inspiration from. I told him I had someone in mind and he said he did too. At this point we're just dancing around each other. I say give it 2 more months. We'll probably be married by the time we're twenty _ ."

Ashton snorts out a laugh, grinning through his crying. Calum, rather than glaring, laughs along with him. "You were pretty self-assured, huh?" 

"I had high hopes." Calum shrugs, grinning. He flips through the pages again and smiles when he sees the next one. " _ December 13th, 2012. London, England, baby! This is where the 'Stones started, probably. Luke called dibs on rooming with Michael, so Ashton and I are together, which I think he was really excited about. It's coming up on the end of the year, and I know with everything going on in Sydney, Ashton and I didn't get as close as we could, but I think 2013 will be our year. Sincerely, Calum Thomas Hood-Irwin." _

Wiping his eyes, Ashton shakes his head. "Irwin-Hood," he corrects.

"We’ll discuss it." Calum says, lips pursed, a shadow of his smug, fifteen-year-old self. 

And the thing is, they will. Because even while Ashton has doubts right now, his walls are coming down, hearing Calum reading back the way he felt about Ashton throughout the years. They’re made for each other, and seeing the evidence makes him cry a little harder.

" _ February 15th, 2012,"  _ Calum picks up, making Ashton wonder just how much calum wrote about him. _ "I think Ashton and Michael might be in love. They filmed a video together for Valentine’s Day and they didn’t even ask me to be in it." _

Back then, Calum wasn't around very often, if Ashton's remembering correctly. "I’m pretty sure you were at footie practice that day" 

"Shh." Calum goes back to the journal, smiling to himself. " _ It makes sense, Ashton’s the hottest boy in the world, of course Michael likes him. And Michael can play guitar way better than I can. I don’t know, maybe I’m just supposed to die alone, because if I don’t marry Ashton in the future, I don’t want to marry anyone else. I’m gonna go eat a whole box of Tim Tams and cry. _ " 

Sniffling, Ashton asks him quietly. "Did you?"

Calum nods. "I did." He flips to one of the first pages but he pauses. "Uh, I don’t know about this one." 

"What is it?" Ashton asks curious, his neck stretching like he could take a peek at the journal if he tried hard enough. 

"It’s the first time we met." 

It's the honest telling of Calum's first impression of Ashton, he realizes, and he needs to hear it. He's been opening up to the idea of trusting Calum again, and even if he hated Ashton at first glance - like Ashton did him - it wouldn't have any real impact on the statement he's making. Even so… "I want to hear." 

Calum’s ears are pink. He shakes his head. "Here." He hands it over, and Ashton takes it from him, and starts to read the entry titled  _ 18 November, 2011. _

_ Big problem! We have a new drummer, finally, and I’m in love with him. He has the coolest hair ever and such pretty eyes and he’s amazing at drumming. His shirt was so ugly but he still managed to look good in it. If he joins the band I don’t know if I’ll survive being around him every day. But I hope he does. Did I say how funny he is? Probably funnier than anyone I know. We had a sleepover in Michael’s granny flat and he called the couch before I could but honestly, I didn’t even want it. I was okay with him having it, you know why? Cause I got to sleep on the floor next to him and he even gave me one of his blankets. Aaaah!  _

_ PS- I think I’m gonna marry Ashton Irwin. _

As he's finishing, Ashton rubs furiously at his eyes, which isn’t helping much at this point, and hands the journal carefully back over to Calum who speaks quietly. "I loved you from the moment I saw you. That’s never changed, and it never will." 

As he looks down at his lap, trying to collect his thoughts, Ashton's feeling seconds away from just scooting across the floor and holding Calum tight, tired of waiting, but before he does, he has a thought, a question he needs an answer to. He looks up at Calum, who’s staring at him, waiting for a response. "I need to hear the 3rd of December, 2016." 

"What?" 

"The entry you have for that date," Ashton reiterates. "December 3rd, 2016, I want to hear it, please." His knee starts shaking as he taps his foot, feeling like it's the most urgent thing in the world to hear this. 

Calum looks confused, but he grabs the second journal and flips through it, searching for the right day. "I don’t have that." Ashton’s stomach drops and he's feeling the doubt beginning to creep back in, but Calum keeps going. I have December 4th?" 

That's good enough - it  _ has _ to be. "Can you read it?" 

As he glosses over the page, Calum’s face softens when he realizes what it is, and he starts reading. " _ December 4th, 2016. Ashton told me last night he wants to marry me in five years. Personally, I feel like five years is a long time. But I’d wait forever for him, however long he made me. I’ve never been more sure about anything in my life as I am about the fact that I want to marry Ashton Irwin. There’s no one that makes me feel as loved, as special as he does. And there’s no one in the world I’d rather spend all my time with. I’ve never met anyone funnier, more talented, more driven. I’ve never met anyone more caring than him. I’d be lucky to marry him. _ " Ashton exhales, dropping his head into his hands and letting out a shaky sob. He feels overwhelmed, happy and relieved and drained and  _ exhausted _ . He feels Calum shuffling over to him, pulling him into his arms and hugging him. " _ P.S. He said I could get a dog. _ " 

At the addition, Ashton can't help but laugh through his tears, burying his face in Calum’s hoodie. They stay like that for a few minutes, Calum rocking him slightly while Ashton cries, letting out all the frustration and pain he’d built up finally come to the surface. When he’s starting to quiet down, occasional sniffles and tears making an appearance, he straightens up and looks at Calum, who’s been crying too, but more silently. Calum brushes the tears away from Ashton's cheeks with his thumbs. 

"Will you let me try?" He asks softly. "Please, let me try to make things right." 

Nodding, Ashton sniffles. "I was never going to turn you away. You have to know that. I would have waited forever like a damn fool if I had to." 

"I’ll never make you wait again." Calum kisses Ashton then, and it’s light and so full of meaning Ashton feels a little dizzy. 

Though soft, nothing more than brushing their lips together, they kiss a few more times before Ashton talks again. "Stay here, tonight?"

" _ Please _ ." 

They climb into Ashton’s bed together, and Ashton falls asleep with Calum wrapped around his back, holding Ashton delicately in his arms, this time with the knowledge that when he wakes up, he has Calum for  _ real _ . 

  
  
  


_ September 10 _

It’s been 5 days since they talked things out, and Calum’s realized how dumb he was for ever questioning his standing with Ashton. Being able to have him close and re-learning how to slip into old habits with him has come pretty naturally, like they’re supposed to be together, like Calum was a puzzle piece that got lost outside the box for a while and just found his way home. 

While they're on tour, it's a little difficult to get alone time, so they've rented a house in Rochester Hills, Michigan, just so they could have their own space. It's been an amazing twenty-four hours, and they're nearing the end of their second of two days. It's getting dark out, and he and Ashton are in the kitchen, munching on a bowl of chocolate covered cherries together, just talking. 

"You know what I really missed doing?" Ashton brings up, giggling as he wipes a bit of the cherry filling off Calum's chin.

Calum flushes, watching Ashton suck the juice off of his thumb. "What’s that?" He asks with a dry mouth. 

"Photographing you." 

Rolling his eyes, Calum chuckles and shakes his head. "I’m sure you’ll have plenty of opportunities soon." He’s never understood Ashton’s insistence that he’s the most photogenic person he knows - he thinks he’s alright, but not worth all the hype Ashton throws him. 

"Well, since you mentioned it," Ashton starts, voice rushed in a faux-casual demeanor, "and since we’re here and I’ve conveniently set up a scene in the yard that would look really cool if you went along with it, what if we made that opportunity now?" He looks hopeful when he gestures to the outside window, and Calum’s eyes follow to look outside, where he can just make out a red armchair and a floor lamp in the dark. It's an interesting aesthetic for sure, something Calum definitely doesn't hate, but it it seems to have appeared out of thin air. 

"When did you set that up?" Calum demands. "I’ve been with you all day." 

Ashton shrugs, popping another chocolate covered cherry in his mouth. "You woke up late." 

"That’s been outside all day?"

"You’re not very observant," Ashton tells him, only half-coherent through his snack. "Will you sit for me?" 

Calum pops another cherry in his mouth and shakes his head fondly. "Do you want me to wear anything special?" 

"It depends." Ashton's voice gets just slightly deeper, only noticeable to Calum because he's had seven years to familiarize himself with it. "Do you want this to go on your Instagram or are we keeping it to ourselves?" Calum smirks a little but shakes his head again. 

"I want to post it," he decides. "The clothes stay on. For now."

"Deal." Ashton claps once. "Let’s go!" 

Following him to the yard, Calum sits as Ashton turns on the lamp and takes pictures of him in the armchair. The lighting casts a beautiful glow over everything and the pictures come out really nice. Ashton’s enthusiastic the whole time, making Calum giggle and blush and wonder why the hell he ever thought he could want something else. 

  
  
  


_ September 18 _

The sun beating down on the private beach is too good to be true, Luke thinks to himself. It's September, and there's the nicest breeze going, but then the sun, as bright as it is, only warms them up without the tell-tale feeling of an inevitable burn. It's absolutely perfect, a word Luke never trusts when not being used to describe Michael Clifford. 

The four of them are together and actually enjoying each other’s company for the first time in six months, and it’s just like Luke remembered it. He’s sitting with Michael and Ashton, waiting for Calum to finish getting Ashton a drink. He thinks about how strange the last few months have felt, and how odd it is that things seem to have fallen back into place so quickly. It feels like they lost time, like a piece of life just kind of fell out of their band history during those months, and he couldn’t be happier than he is now, with them all together again like they should be. 

“Ashton, be honest,” Michael’s voice cuts through the easy silence between them all. He gestures at Calum in the distance, who’s waiting for Ashton’s drink to be ready, tapping something out on his phone. “How much are you making him grovel?”

“Not at all,” Ashton admits with a satisfied grin. He looks so at peace right now. Hell, he hasn’t taken that stupid, serene smile off of his face in two weeks, almost. “He does plenty without being asked, making him do more would be overkill.” 

The vibration of Ashton’s phone sounds where it’s resting on top of the towel, and he opens it, smiling. Luke leans over to read it, rolling his eyes fondly when he sees it’s from Calum, asking if he wants a little umbrella in his drink. Ashton types out an affirmative reply and sets his phone down, stretching out on his stomach and sighing. 

A few minutes later, after the lines have dwindled down at the stand, Calum comes back, and hands Ashton his drink, served alongside a kiss on the cheek. Instead of sitting or lying down next to him, Calum straddles his back, leans forward, and starts working out the knots in his shoulders. Ashton sighs contentedly. 

Michael laughs a little, shaking his head. Under his breath he comments, “No grovelling?” 

“What was that?” Calum asks distractedly, and Michael grins. 

“Nothing!” He turns to Luke with a pout. “Where’s my back massage?” 

“Same place as mine,” Luke tells him as he leans back casually on his palms. “Stuck in purgatory.” 

“That’s fair…” 

Turning his attention back to the small show the other couple is putting on, Luke hears the tail end of Calum mumbling something to Ashton. “You’re tense.” 

Ashton shrugs, playing with his tiny umbrella mindlessly, letting Calum put the work in. “Such is the life of a director.” 

Not even bothering to keep his smile to himself, Luke shakes his head. Ever since they filmed the  _ Valentine _ video, which Ashton had creative control of, he’s been milking it for all it’s worth. Luke can’t fault him, though. The finished product was beautiful, Ashton taking care to highlight all of them the best he could. Luke had been a little apprehensive about the glitter, not sure if he could pull it off, but all three of them had showered him in compliments, telling him how pretty he looked, and by the end of the day he was on top of the world. 

“It is nice to see the two of you together though…” Michael brings up, adding under his breath, “ _ finally.”  _

He says ‘finally’ because ever since Ashton and Calum reconciled, they’ve been holed up together, sorting things out, Luke assumes. Michael had told Luke they’d probably been spending all their time fucking to make up for the months they’d lost, but Luke feels like they probably needed some time to figure out how they fit back together. There’s no doubt in his mind that they’ve slept together, but he thinks the past two weeks have been far more gentle than is typical of them. 

“It  _ is _ nice,” Luke agrees. Not wanting to stay on the awkwardness of mentioning their time apart, Luke quickly moves on to the first thing he can think of. “Hey, I was thinking, when we’re in Texas, who wants to go to a rodeo with me? It’s always been a dream of mine.” 

“No, it hasn’t.”

Turning to glare at his boyfriend, Luke pointedly emphasizes, “It has since last night when I found out we have an extra day there.” Michael shrugs. 

“I’ll go,” he agrees easily. “What about you guys? Cal? You want to go to a rodeo, or will you be too busy getting spanked to attend?”

Calum and Ashton both chuckle, but Luke watches Calum’s face closely, notices the way he looks down quickly, like he’s got something he doesn’t want to give away. Michael doesn’t seem to notice, just stretches out next to Luke on his towel and places Luke’s hand in his hair. 

  
  
  


_ September 27 _

“How does this look?”

Michael looks over from where he’s fixing his hair in the hotel room mirror and grins at the ridiculous sight his boyfriend makes. Luke’s stretched out on the couch, looking at him with an expectant expression, wearing a studded cowboy hat. “Like it was made for you,” Michael tells him. 

“Thanks, partner.” Luke shoots off a few finger guns, mouthing but not saying ‘ _ pew pew pew _ ’s along with it. 

When his hair looks perfect in the mirror, Michael flops down next to Luke, giving all of his attention to Luke’s hands. “Is this new?” He runs a finger over one of Luke’s rings, silver with little blue stones inlaid, and Luke nods. “It’s pretty. Perfect for you.” He boops Luke’s nose, and Luke smiles happily.

“You never wear any.”

Michael shakes his head, but still keeps his gaze on the sapphires adorning Luke’s finger. “More of a head jewelry type of person,” he says. “For now.” 

With a grin, Luke repeats, “For now.” Michael keeps playing with Luke’s fingers, going over each of them. He lingers on Luke’s ring finger, can picture an engagement ring on it so clearly, and he smiles, hiding his face in Luke’s jacket. “What are you smiling about?”

“I just really like Texas,” Michael giggles, but it’s completely transparent. 

Luke smiles down at him and shakes his head. “I like  _ you _ .” 

  
  
  


_ October 13 _

The sun shining in through Ashton's bedroom window is a soft white, and it's exactly what Ashton's been needing lately. The past few months spent on tour have kept them in hotels, but last night they played a show in Los Angeles, which means they got to sleep in their own beds. Or, they had the option to. Calum didn't go home last night at all. 

Which is why when Ashton wakes up, he's warm and relaxed with Calum's arms wrapped around him, feeling like he doesn't have a single trouble in his life. He slept like a rock after he and Calum had tumbled into his bed, exhausted.

Slowly, he blinks his eyes open slowly and stretches. Calum makes a little noise behind him at the movement and tightens his arms around Ashton’s torso. Ashton smiles and turns over slowly so they’re nose to nose. 

"Morning." 

After a couple of seconds, Calum’s eyes flutter open, and he smiles when he sees Ashton looking at him. "Morning." His voice is slightly sleep-worn, deeper than usual. He reaches an arm up to brush Ashton’s hair out of his eyes, running his hand over his jaw and leaning in to kiss him. 

Ashton melts into it, eyes still sleep heavy and happy to close, letting himself get lost in the moments. They kiss for a few minutes, lazy and soft, not really going anywhere except maybe back to sleep, until Calum pulls back and whispers against his lips. "I miss you."

"'m right here…" 

As Ashton's eyes flutter back open, Calum shakes his head. "Miss being  _ close _ to you." 

It doesn't take a genius to decode the message, but Ashton understands him immediately. They haven’t had the time or the mind to be as intimate as they might have liked since they got back together. Ashton can count on one hand the number of times they've seen each other naked since early September. But now, with the light trickling through his blinds, casting a soft glow over both of them, they finally have a day ahead of them to relax and enjoy each other. Feeling the excitement of finally being alone together, Ashton leans in to kiss him again, running his hand down Calum’s back, feeling how warm and soft his skin is underneath his fingertips. Calum hums into his mouth and kisses him back for a minute before he rolls himself on top of Ashton effortlessly, kissing down his jaw.

"Let me show you?" He whispers into Ashton's ear, voice low and pleading. He kisses the skin there, sucking lightly before he talks again. "How much I missed you."

Ashton exhales shakily at the way Calum is slowly grinding his hips down against his own, his method of persuasion, and nods. Calum grins and goes back to kissing and sucking at his neck, not sucking hard enough to leave a mark, but staying long enough to make Ashton a little lightheaded, slowly moving his way downwards, shifting the comforter off of them so he can crouch in between Ashton’s splayed out legs. He kisses down Ashton’s torso, taking the time to suck occasional marks into his skin. Ashton’s breathing is heavy and shuddering, moaning quietly every time Calum’s tongue darts out to lick, the muscles in his stomach twitching at the touch. 

After far too long of building Ashton up, Calum pulls down his boxers, running his tongue along the head of Ashton's half hard dick, and Ashton whines, bringing his hand to his face to bite at the skin of his middle finger. Calum strokes him slowly, feeling him grow harder in his hand, leaning down occasionally to lick at him. 

From where his head is resting on the pillow, Ashton picks himself up and watches Calum, admiring the way his tongue flicks out like he loves the taste of it, like he's addicted to it. Calum looks up at him through his lashes and takes the head in his mouth, sucking lightly and smirking a little when Ashton gasps above him at the feeling. 

" _ Baby… _ " 

Whining at the pet name, Calum sinks down further, sucking a little harder, moaning quietly as he does. Ashton watches him, reaching a hand down to run it through his hair softly as he bobs his head slowly, taking his time.

It’s a slow climb, and it feels even slower in the hazy morning light, Ashton’s vision still a bit blurry and his mind a little slow. The pleasure builds in him lazily while Calum sucks and licks at his cock, making little choking noises when he takes it a little deeper.

"You feel so good," Ashton praises, muscles seizing when Calum's tongue flicks just under the head. "Your mouth is so good." Calum hums happily, taking him deeper and sucking hard, and Ashton groans, throwing his head back on the pillow, tightening his grip in Calum’s hair slightly. Part of him thinks about controlling him  _ more _ , pulling his hair harder, falling back into his dominant role with Calum, but a bigger part of him is content just to lay back and let Calum work him over, make him feel cared for. It’s not the time to control… not yet.

Calum pulls off and he’s panting, tongue brushing against the swollen head of Ashton’s dick, and his voice is gravely when he speaks. "Want you to cum, wanna feel it in my mouth, on my face." 

" _ Yeah _ ," Ashton whimpers and nods as Calum goes back down, bobbing his head, pushing Ashton closer to the edge every time he swallows around him. "Yeah _ ,  _ gonna,  _ fuck,  _ baby, I’m gonna cum, gonna  _ fucking -  _ " He lets go with a loud moan, spilling into Calum’s mouth, feeling him pull off halfway through, stroking Ashton with one hand and letting the rest of the release paint his lips and cheeks.

It takes a moment for Ashton to open his eyes blearily, and he exhales heavily when he sees Calum licking his lips, wiping his thumb down his cheek and sucking it into his mouth. Ashton shakes his head, his body feeling like jell-o, and it only gets worse watching the wet finger slide out of his full lips. Calum crawls back up to lay next to him, kissing his ear and biting gently at the shell. 

"So pretty," he hums mindlessly. "I might keep you around."

"Are you offering me room and board?" Calums voice is shot to hell, already low from sleep, but ruined from how far he let Ashton slip into his throat. 

Ashton snorts. "I don’t think we’re quite there yet." Calum smiles and kisses his chest, propped up on his elbows.

"Maybe not," he agrees easily, booping Ashton's nose. 

"Sometime soon, though," Ashton smiles up at him, stretching slightly and rolling in closer to him. "Sometime soon." Calum grins and leans down, kissing him softly. They stay in bed for a few more hours, drifting in and out of sleep, and everything feels exactly as it should be.

…  _ Almost _ . 

  
  
  


_ October 23 _

The venue in Glasgow has just started letting people inside for the show, so the boys are all stuck inside their hotel room until after  _ lovelytheband _ finishes their set. Typically that’s not too big of an issue, all of them able to find something to do whether it be video games on their small, portable television, or hyping themselves up with  _ Nickelback _ , but not today, and Michael’s feeling restless, his leg won’t stop shaking. 

For the moment, he’s lying on the couch with his head in Luke’s lap, eyes jumping around to find something that’ll hold his attention.

“You know what I was thinking?” Ashton brings up, voice going just a bit higher than the voice of Rob Thomas, floating through their green room. “I’m the only one of us who’s never dyed his hair.” 

“I’ve never done it,” Luke points out, and Ashton turns to glare at him. 

“You got lowlights. That counts. I’ve never done anything.”

Calum runs his fingers through Ashton’s hair and hums. He tilts his head consideringly at the strands he’s holding. “What would you do?”

“I don’t know.” Ashton shrugs, eyes focusing on Calum. “Maybe blue. Maybe red.”

It makes Michael snort, the way he grins after his answer, like he’s said something new or revolutionary. “Coming after my brand, I see.”

“You didn’t invent hair dye,” Ashton snaps.

“Prove it.” Michael rolls his head in Luke’s lap, too pent up to argue with Ashton whilst stationary, and looks over by the door, seeing the box that his new guitar came in, still full of long bits of styrofoam. He smiles, remembering how they used to play with the pieces of foam. They kind of drifted away from doing stuff like that - the more silly, boyish stuff - as they’ve grown up, and Michael misses it. He misses being young and dumb and doing stupid things without thinking. He misses when they were carefree kids. “Hey, guys?” 

They all grunt or hum in acknowledgment. Michael gets up and stretches, making his way over to the box and pulling out two long pieces of styrofoam. Calum snorts. “You think you can still hold Luke on your shoulders?” 

At the accusation that he’s not capable of holding up his boyfriend, Michael pouts. “I still could!”

“Let’s give it a try.” Luke stands up and walks towards Michael, who looks up at him and takes in his shoulders and height. It’s been quite a few years that they’ve been together, and Michael loves that they’ve seen each other grow up, but Luke was never  _ that _ broad. And while Michael  _ definitely _ isn’t complaining, he thinks he may have promised something he can’t deliver on. 

Michael is more than a bit apprehensive, and his expression shows it, so Luke winks at him, scooping him up bridal style instead. Michael squawks but regains his composure as quickly as he can, settling into Luke’s arms and holding out his weapon challengingly. Calum shakes his head and stands up, stretching. 

“Get on, cowboy,” he calls, and Ashton shakes his head, smiling, as he piggybacks Calum. 

It’s not a very well coordinated fight, but it feels freeing, in a way. They’ve grown up a lot in the last few years, and Michael’s happy that they can still get back to this place, goofing off and acting like they used to. It feels almost like it did when they were teenagers, fighting outside the tour bus and screaming their heads off without a care in the world. They aren’t old by any means, but just this moment of juvenile behavior, of hitting each other with styrofoam, makes Michael realize just how long they’ve been together, just how embedded in each other’s lives they are, that five years feels like fifty. 

And just how much he loves that. 

The fight finally comes to an end when Michael pins Ashton in the chest , knocking him off Calum’s back and onto the sofa. 

“Careful!” Calum laughs though his shout. “He’s elderly, he’ll break a bone.” 

Ashton flips Calum off but chuckles as he lies back on the couch. Luke goes to sit next to him, carrying Michael along with him so he’s sitting on his lap. He glances over at the other members of their band, the group that not too long ago was made up of ragtag kids from a small Sydney suburb, and now is composed of four men that fit together like a perfect puzzle, to see Calum settling back in next to Ashton on the couch and running his fingers absentmindedly over his right arm. Michael smiles at them, happy to watch them be happy together after so much time apart.

They’re all exactly where they’re meant to be. 

  
  
  


_ October 29 _

It’s a bit chilly outside, so Luke and Michael elected not to join Calum and Ashton on their adventures around London. Instead, they’re snuggled up in the hotel room bed, watching random YouTube videos together on Michael’s phone, aimlessly clicking on stuff from the recommendations. It’s silly, not really going anywhere, but it’s nice to just be able to spend time together, just being alone and in love. 

As Luke’s tracing little patterns on Michael’s soft t-shirt, he looks up at Michael. “When did you first know?” Michael hums, not giving much in terms of an answer at all, so Luke expands. “You told me once that you loved me from the day you met me, but I know that’s not a hundred percent true, cause you tried to kill me, so…” 

“That might be a  _ little  _ dramatic,” Michael laughs, his chest making the phone resting on him jump. 

“I'm just saying,” Luke shrugs. “You had to have had a turning point. What made you look at me and go ‘Yeah, that’s the one for me’?” 

For Luke, he doesn’t think there’s an exact moment. It was gradual, the way he fell in love. They were friends for so long, and he was struggling with how he felt, but eventually denying his feelings for Michael got to be too much, too hard, too pointless when it was inevitable for them to be together. 

Something tells him it was more abrupt for Michael. 

“Honestly?” Michael’s moving suddenly, typing something into the search bar on the app, and Luke snorts as he sees what it is. 

When Luke’s cover of  _ Forget You  _ starts playing through the speaker, Luke can’t help but laugh.  _ “ _ Seriously?”

“Animal magnetism,” Michael teases. He points at the screen, younger-Luke serenading the camera. “Look at that tank top.”

Luke watches himself play on the screen for a minute, doing his best not to cringe. “I’ve never felt more reassured in my life. If you dug me  _ then -  _ “ he gestures at the screen “ - you’ll like me no matter what happens.”

“I thought you were absolutely perfect,” Michael tells him, quietly adding, “Still do.”

On the screen, Luke sings a high note and he cringes in real life, unable to prevent it this time, reaching out to stop the video. “I can only take so much.”

He looks up at Michael, only to see that he’s smiling fondly at the frozen teenage Luke on the screen. “You’ve changed so much.”

“Does that bother you?” Luke asks, a little worried, but Michael frowns, shaking his head. 

“Are you kidding? I’ve watched you grow into someone so beautiful, so confident and talented. Every change you’ve gone through has turned you into the person you are right now, and I couldn’t be more in love with you than I am in this moment. Except maybe tomorrow. It seems to grow every day.” With a soft smile that Luke’s come to find is reserved for just him and every dog on the planet, Michael gestures to the laptop and the frozen Luke. “Every day since then.” Luke smiles and tilts his head up for a kiss, which Michael responds to eagerly. They kiss for a few minutes until Michael pulls back slightly. “Wouldn’t trade anything you are for a billion dollars, sweetheart. Not one thing.”

With a smile, Luke leans in again, thinking he wouldn’t either. Not when their life together is just beginning. 

  
  
  


_ November 7 _

While they’re in Denmark, Calum and Ashton had plans to go back to the cafe where Ashton sang  _ Best Friend _ to Calum for the first time, but they got to the hotel so late that they had to postpone their visit until tomorrow morning. To make up for the disappointment, they’re spending the night in Michael and Luke’s hotel, having a movie night like they used to - like they haven’t been able to do for a while. 

Only, when Luke gets up to go get snacks, Michael slips off the bed away from Calum and Ashton to grab the remote and flip through the channels, and Calum isn’t going to stand for it. “It’s my turn to choose this time,” he argues, crawling his way to the edge of the bed. “You got to pick last movie night!” 

“But then you stole two pairs of my socks and I had to have sweaty sockless feet yesterday.” Michael’s eyes don’t move from the screen, but Calum can see his lips pursing. “Which automatically makes it my turn again.” 

“Those aren’t the remote rules…” 

“Yes they are,” Michael says assuredly, nodding as he continues his channel surfing. “I just made them.” Calum frowns at the flawed logic, reaching down and snatching the remote from his hand, flipping through channels himself. “Hey!” 

In the midst of mindlessly inching his way back to Ashton, Michael stands up, climbing on the bed, and takes it back. Calum frowns, rolling over so he’s pinned Michael down and wrestles him for the remote, which Michael has an iron grip on. 

“The socks had no impact on the remote rules!” Calum yells, one hand trying to reach for the remote, and the other trying to bat Michael’s hand away from where it’s attempting to tickle Calum’s stomach. 

“Let me go!” Michael struggles, legs kicking out. “I can feel myself dying!” 

After a few unsuccessful reaches, Calum looks over to see Luke standing in the doorway with a bowl full of popcorn and M&Ms, staring at Calum pinning Michael down with a quirked brow. “You know, I really never thought I was going to walk in on this again after the Take Me Home tour.” 

Calum laughs, loosening his grip on Michael only slightly, but all the humor drops from his face when he hears Ashton ask, “Walk in on what?” 

With a loose hand, Luke gestures to Calum on top of Michael. They’re both frozen, looking between Luke and Ashton. Calum won’t lie, he’s a little concerned, seeing as the topic of him and Michael hooking up in the past hasn’t ever  _ actually _ come up with him and Ashton. He was planning on telling him eventually, but there had never been a time that felt right. Time ended up passing too quickly, and now it’s been five years and Calum’s bitten his tongue for too long. 

“Those two,” Luke says, munching on the popcorn in his hand. “The last time I walked in on Calum on top of Michael there was a lot more making out and grinding and a lot less talk of socks.” 

“I’m sorry,  _ what? _ ” Ashton asks loudly. Calum watches the shock cover Ashton’s face, his gaze snapping from Luke down to where Calum’s still sitting on top of Michael, and he doesn’t look happy about it at all. 

“You know,” Luke continues, completely oblivious to the anxiety bubbling under Calum’s skin as his boyfriend finds out about something that would have been better admitted three years ago, alone. “When Michael and Calum hooked up back in like, 2013 or whatever. Did he not tell you I walked in on them that one time?” Calum climbs off of Michael and sits cross legged by Ashton on the bed, looking back at him. 

“Is that true?” Ashton asks. 

Not reading the room, Luke laughs. “Yup! Walked right in on them, boy was I not expecting to see that when I - ”

Cutting Luke off, Ashton holds up a finger to silence him, and Luke stops talking, just munching on his popcorn absent-mindedly. Calum nods in response to the question he knows Ashton was  _ actually _ asking and Ashton frowns. “Oh.” 

“I’m sorry,” Calum rushes out, throat aching with the force he projects his words with. “I should have told you sooner.” 

“Or at all.” Ashton still looks shell-shocked by the information, and Calum cringes. “Seriously, Calum?”

“Oh my  _ god _ .” 

Ignoring Luke’s outburst, him finally understanding what’s happening in front of his eyes, Calum keeps his apology going, knowing how poorly Ashton must be thinking right now, knowing his head must be rushing to a million conclusions. “I was going to, eventually, I just… I don’t know, it never felt like the right time. I don’t want you to think I was keeping something from you.” 

“How the hell am I not supposed to take this as you keeping something from me?” Ashton’s hands fly up to his hair, running his fingers back and pausing at the base of his neck. He looks like the epitome of frustration, and Calum wants to do everything in his power to make things better, but the probability of his stumbling apology doing that is really fucking low right now.

“I know, I’m sorry, I really am.” 

Ashton nods resolutely. The room is silent, Michael and Luke are staring at him along with Calum. Ashton lets out a deep breath. Part of Calum wishes he would get angry,  _ yell _ at him, put him in his place, but he doesn’t do that at  _ all _ . He just nods. “I guess… I can’t be mad at you for that, can I?”

“Uh…” Michael interrupts, probably thinking exactly what Calum is - that Ashton  _ absolutely _ has a right to be angry, and he should probably be doing something about it. Calum slaps Michael’s leg, looking at Ashton, waiting for him to finish his thought.

“It was before we were together, right?” he asks.

In a rush, Calum nods. “ _ Way _ before.”

“Okay.” 

“O...kay?” Calum’s just a bit confused. Ashton’s posture is a bit too sharp, his face pinched, but he’s acting like everything’s okay. 

“I mean, I’m not exactly thrilled you didn’t say anything. But you don’t owe me anything. Neither of us owe the other one explanations for our lives before we got together, right?” 

“Right…” Calum agrees, but something’s still off. It’s obvious Ashton isn’t 100% alright with this, but when Calum scoots in to snuggle him and watch the movie Michael had picked out while they were talking, Ashton pulls him in and lets him rest his head on his chest. He holds Calum a little tighter than usual, a little closer, his hand firm on his waist, but he doesn’t say anything about the secret that was kept from him. 

A small part of Calum is still holding out hope that there’s something coming. Things feel too calm right now. 

  
  
  


_ November 20 _

Michael has the best boyfriend in the entire world. He knows this now, absolutely one-hundred percent, as he flits around the Ariana Grande/cat themed birthday party Luke threw him for his twenty-third. He’s stuffing his face with a cat cupcake when he sees Luke walking across the grass, heading over to say hi to Andy, but Michael deserves his attention because it’s  _ his _ birthday, not Andy’s. He makes his way over before Luke can reach the patio, draping himself over Luke’s back and grinning.

“Love of my life,” he croons, feeling drunk on the love he knows Luke has for him. 

Spinning in his arms so they’re facing each other, Luke grins back at him. “Do you like it?” 

Michael smiles and shakes his head. He’s told Luke a million times tonight that he’s thrilled with his party, but of course Luke’s still worried, and he probably will be for the days following, just because that’s how he is - full of nerves despite being perhaps the best human on this planet. “Couldn’t have picked a more perfect theme if you tried,” he reassures Luke, leaning up to peck the dimple forming in his cheek. “I love it, really I do.  _ But…” _

“But?” 

Earlier in the night, when Michael was on his way to the bathroom, he’d past a cracked open door that Luke’s voice was floating out of. Obviously he decided to eavesdrop a bit, and he overheard Luke telling Calum about Michael’s  _ second _ present, that Michael was going to be surprised when he opened it, and now Michael’s curious as all hell. 

“When do I get my second present?” he asks.

“What do you mean, ‘second present’?” Luke looks confused, and Michael won’t have it. 

He points a finger to Luke’s chest and raises an eyebrow. Luke raises his back teasingly. “Don’t play dumb, Lukey. I heard you talking to Calum.” Luke’s eyes narrow immediately, making Michael giggle, knowing he’s got him in a corner. 

“Expand.” 

“You have a present for me,” Michael explain, “and I’m gonna be surprised by it, and I wanna open it  _ now _ ” 

Recognition flashes across Luke’s face and he smiles, shaking his head. “Ah, you’re going to have to wait for that one, it’s coming in the mail.” 

“I can wait,” Michael shrugs, only pouting slightly that he won’t get to hold the gift in his hand tonight. “But just know… whatever it is isn’t going to hold a candle to your next present.” 

Maybe he’s saying too much, but he’s having the best night with the best boy, and all he can think about is the engagement ring at the bottom of his suitcase, resting under his underwear, hidden away where nobody will find it. He’d picked it out last week, maybe too soon based on when he plans on popping the question, but when he saw the ring in the shop, all he could envision was how Luke is going to look when Michael gets down on one knee and proposes.

“Is that a challenge?” Luke asks, standing up taller, his broad shoulders towering just slightly over Michael. 

“It most certainly is.” 

They shake on it, and Michael feels triumphant already. He  _ clearly _ has this in the bag. There’s nothing Luke could do to top a  _ proposal _ . 

  
  
  


_ November 27 _

Tomorrow night the band is performing at the ARIA awards, so tonight they’re practicing. Ashton thinks his shirt might be fifty percent sweat at this point, but it’s worth it. The ARIA awards are a big fucking deal for four boys from Sydney, and this album is the amulgamation of everything they wanted to become when they hit the road. They have a lot to prove tonight, and Ashton refuses to let them fuck it up just because they haven’t practiced enough. 

As well known as it is that Ashton can be a bit of a tyrant with rehearsals sometimes, it’s nothing compared to just how cold Calum is being. He’s been in a bit of a mood all day, and they’re all trying to look past it, but it’s impossible. Maybe if there was only one bratty moment, Ashton would be a bit more lax about it, but he’s spent the entirety of their rehearsal making snide comments about Michael, rolling his eyes everytime Luke’s spoken, and flat out  _ ignoring _ Ashton. 

“Calum, can we go back to the beginning?” Michael asks. He’s adjusting the strap of his guitar around his shoulder as he speaks, looking excited, and already Ashton’s stomach is sinking because he knows Calum isn’t going to want to go back to the beginning - he’s going to, in his own words, tell Michael to fuck himself. “I want to try something, I have an ad lib that might sound cool.”

And sure enough, Calum rolls his eyes. “Do we have to? I’m getting bored, let's take a break.” He doesn’t wait for an answer before taking his bass off, leaning it against the wall and making his way very to the snack table, completely unmindful of Michael’s pout. 

Despite wanting to yell at Calum, Ashton also feels a little helpless. It’s clear that Calum’s overworked, stressed and annoyed and unable to get the tension out, and Ashton knows what he would have done in this situation  _ before _ the break up, but he doesn’t know if he can do that now, if they’re  _ there _ yet. 

Lately, he feels like they need it. It’s been so long since they have, and with each day that passes, it feels like things are only getting worse. Ashton wants to, so fucking badly - partially because he’s stressed as hell and honestly fed up with Calum’s attitude, but mostly because it’s what they both need. 

The more he thinks about it, the more helpless Ashton feels, like he can’t do anything to help his boyfriend out. He’s verging on anger when Luke walks up to him and takes him aside. “Hey, do you know what’s going on with him?” Luke asks when they’re alone. 

“He’s just being a brat.” Ashton knows his face is pinched, that he’s projecting his exasperation, but he can’t help it - there’s no other reasonable way to get this anger out. “I think he’s feeling overwhelmed.” 

Luke looks at Calum contemplatively, and then back at Ashton, sighing. “Okay, this is weird for me to say, and I don’t know the specifics of how this works, really, but from what Calum and I have talked about before? I think maybe…” He trails off for a moment, eyes rolling up to stare at the ceiling as he rushes to say, “You need to spank your boyfriend.” 

At the candor of Luke’s suggestion, Ashton’s face opens in surprise. Of all things, he wasn’t expecting to be told to spank his boyfriend on this day, in this studio. The worst is that Luke’s probably right, and as much as Ashton wants to take action, he still has doubts.

“I’m just…” Ashton sighs. It’s like he’s lost this role in their relationship, and he doesn’t want things to start to fall apart again, just because he doesn’t know how to move forward. “I’m a little worried. That maybe it’s too soon to go back into that. Maybe he needs more time.” 

“Do  _ you  _ need more time?” 

Easy: No. Ashton doesn’t even need to think about it to know that he’s  _ done _ waiting for himself. He wants nothing more right now than to bend Calum over and let him have it, reduce him to a crying mess. He’s itching to regain the dynamic they’d lost. 

He shakes his head as an answer to Luke’s question and Luke nods. “Well, he definitely doesn’t, either. Not with the way he’s acting.” He pauses for a moment, tilting his head consideringly. “I mean, ask, obviously, before. But like… I think it’s time. Also if he shuts Mikey down one more time I’m gonna catstrate him, so move quickly, please.” 

Luke leaves then, and Ashton’s left standing with his arms crossed. Calum looks over at him, glaring, and as subtle as it is in comparison to the rest of the day, it’s pretty much it for Ashton. He crosses the room and grabs Calum’s hand, pulling him away from the snack table.

“Hey, where are we going?” 

Ignoring him, Ashton addresses Michael and Luke as he pulls him out of the room. “We’ll be back in a bit.” Luke just waves them off knowingly, and Ashton’s grip is firm as he steers Calum down the hallway and into a nearby closet, shutting the door and flicking the light on. “I have a question for you.” Calum’s back is against the door and he’s frowning at Ashton, but there’s a glint in his eye, like he knows where this is going. “And I want you to answer me, truthfully, is that something you can do? Or are you just going to keep acting like a brat, like you have been all day?” 

He sees Calum gulp and he nods, answering him softly. “I’ll tell you.” 

“Good.” Ashton lifts Calum’s chin up so he’s staring into his eyes. “Are you trying to make me mad, pup?” Calum gulps again and pauses before he nods slightly, telling the truth. Ashton smirks at him. “And why would you want that, hm?” Calum just blinks at him and Ashton takes his free hand and puts it on Calum’s waist, tightening his grip so his nails dig in slightly. Calum gasps at the slight pain, his eyes lighting up with it. “ _ Answer me,  _ Calum.” 

He needs this to come from Calum, and not from him. The only thing holding him back right now is the tiny bit of uncertainty that Calum’s ready for this too. “Because… ‘cause I want you to punish me.”

And there it is. Ashton’s smirk grows and he cocks his head to the left, studying Calum. 

“And why should I do that?” Ashton asks, his tone condescending and his face smug as all hell. “Why shouldn’t I just walk away from you right now and let you deal with your own actions all by yourself? Why do you need me to help you, hm?” Calum looks frustrated, like he can’t figure out how to answer the question, so Ashton helps him out. He leans in, biting Calum’s ear slightly before he whispers his next words. “It’s because you’re mine, isn’t it, baby?” Calum whimpers and nods quickly. “That’s right. You’re my  _ fucking  _ problem to deal with.” Leaning back only slightly, Ashton instructs, “Turn around.” 

Calum turns around so he’s facing the door and Ashton can hear him breathing against it, heavy and uneven. He traces a finger down Calum’s spine, over his shirt, and stops when he gets to his waistband. Calum whimpers a little and shifts his hips greedily, something that he always does, never afraid to beg for it. Ashton reaches around to unbutton his pants and pull them down along with his underwear so he's naked from the waist down. There’s already a power shift, without Calum even being touched yet, as he just waits for Ashton to decide what to do with him, just standing half naked. 

Running his hand over one of Calum’s ass cheeks and squeezing roughly, Ashton bites at the back of Calum’s neck. “So, what do you think you deserve, baby?” 

“Ashton, please, I - ”

“ _ Shh _ ,” He shushes Calum, punctuating it with a hard smack of his ass that has Calum melting into the door, whining softly. “This isn’t about what you want, is it? This is about giving you what you  _ need,  _ pup. And you need me to teach you a lesson, don’t you?” 

As Calum nods, Ashton can feel him arching his back, begging for more. It would be so easy to give in, to start laying into him, but that would be too simple, too guided. Ashton needs to maintain control, so he doesn’t give it to Calum just yet. 

“Tell me what you’re sorry for.” 

Calum whines again, and it takes him a moment to find his voice. “I… I was mean to Michael.” 

It’s not enough but Ashton nods along. “What else?”

“And to Luke,” he continues, arching his body so hard it looks almost painful. “And… and to you.” 

Ashton squeezes his ass but he doesn’t hit him again, not yet. “What  _ else _ ?”

Out of all the things Ashton missed about this, the thing that hits him the hardest is the sound of Calum’s sob, desperate and full of desire, as he hits the door with a weak closed fist. If Ashton were a weaker man, it’d be what pushes him into action, but he’s not done with Calum, he knows there’s more inside him that he’s feeling guilty for, and this isn’t going to help unless he lets it all out. 

_ “Everything, _ ” Calum cries eventually. _ “ _ I’m sorry for everything, I’m sorry for leaving, and I didn’t tell you about Michael and I  _ should have,  _ and I’m sorry I was mean today but I just wanted you to fix it, make it better, please make it better - ”

Ashton shushes him again and Calum falls silent after taking in a shaky, wet breath. “You’ve been carrying that around for a while, huh?” 

Truthfully, Ashton has forgiven Calum for nearly everything, not one to hold a grudge, but Calum hasn’t forgiven himself, and if he can help with that, he’s going to. Especially if it means they can move past this, can find their way back to the road they were on before. 

So he leans in again and whispers in Calum’s ear. “You’re right, you’ve been bad. But I’m going to make it all better, pup. Just like I always do. I just need you to be a good boy for me, can you do that?” Calum doesn’t answer, and Ashton spanks him hard, once. “ _ I said,  _ can you do that?”

“I can.” Calum nods furiously. “I can, I’m good.” 

“ _ Hmm _ .” 

Ashton leans back and looks at Calum, who’s leaning heavily on the door, his ass sticking out obscenely. He waits for a moment, just to make Calum squirm, and then he hits him, hard on his left cheek. Using his full strength, Ashton hits him a few more times, alternating between each side but keeping the same level of impact each time. Calum’s panting against the door, whines and pleas tumbling from between his thick lips, and Ashton pushes him more firmly against it with his own body, bracketing Calum in and tilting his head back so Ashton can kiss him, quick and filthy, biting his lip when he pulls back. 

“You’re not enjoying yourself, are you, baby?” he asks, hitting Calum again, three times in quick succession when Calum moans against the door. “Because that would really defeat the whole purpose of this, wouldn’t it?” Calum nods and whines, and he’s about to talk when Ashton hits him again. “But you don’t really care, do you? You don’t care that you’re supposed to be learning a lesson, you just care that I have my hands all over your slutty little body, isn’t that right?” 

“Please, I can’t…” Calum moans when Ashton hits him again, and he’s grinding his body against the door in desperation when he talks next. “I wanna be good, wanna be good for you, I promise.” Ashton spanks him hard, keeping up a steady rhythm now, He’s using one hand to grip Calum’s hip and keep him up against the door while his legs are threatening to give out. 

“But you can’t, can you? You can’t help yourself.” 

Calum cries out softly and moans when Ashton hits him harder, forcing his body further against the door. Ashton thinks, briefly, about forcing Calum to wait until they’re back at the hotel before he can cum, but his thoughts are interrupted when he spanks Calum hard one last time before he wails and shudders in Ashton’s arms, his knees buckling as he slumps against the door, his body shaking slightly in the aftershocks for a minute. Ashton just holds him, letting him come down slightly before he carefully pulls his pants back up and turns Calum around. His eyes are glassy and dazed and when Ashton leans in to kiss him, he returns it weakly, whimpering slightly into his mouth. Ashton feels a rush of protectiveness come over him and he holds Calum closer, wrapping both arms around his waist and kissing his neck.

“‘m sorry,” Calum slurs his apology. “Sorry I was bad.”

Ashton shakes his head. “You were perfect, dove. So good for me, took it so well. My best boy, aren’t you?” Calum smiles, ducking his head down to nuzzle into Ashton’s shirt.

“Promise?”

It’s a question with a couple layers, Ashton knows. Calum needs to know he’s forgiven for everything he mentioned before, as well as needing reassurance about today. He kisses Calum again, slow and sweet. “I promise.” 

  
  
  


_ December 3 _

The night before the Jingle Bell Ball, the boys find themselves in Minnesota with the two beds in Michael and Luke’s room pushed together. There’s a cheesy horror movie playing on the television that hardly any of them are paying attention to when Michael looks down at his phone and watches the time change, turning from December 2nd to December 3rd. He smiles and stretches, pulling Luke further into him. 

“Happy anniversary, everyone,” he announces. 

Calum lifts his head from where it’s laying on Ashton’s chest. “Huh?” 

Michael waves his phone in the air. “December Third!” 

Smiling, Calum lays his head back down. Michael settles back and focuses on the movie again, but his mind keeps drifting, pulling him back to their first time playing together as a band, all those years ago at the Annandale Hotel. 

He remembers Luke’s nerves, and how much Calum sucked at bass, but really tried for it. Ashton wasn’t even a part of the band back then, none of them even really knew him, but something special forged that night. He never thought they’d be lying here, their lives as connected as they are now. It’s special, he thinks, the bond that they have. They’ve been through a lot together, but they always manage to find their way back to each other as a group.

*****

“December Third!” Michael’s voice rings out. Calum chuckles, so low Ashton doesn’t think anyone else heard it, and he lays his head back down on Ashton’s chest. Ashton smiles, kissing his hair. 

They’ve had a lot of Decembers together, a lot of crazy cold months. His favorite, though, had to have been the night he and Calum kissed for the first time. He was so full of love and nervous energy, and the feeling of Calum kissing him back had lit such a fire inside him, sometimes he thinks he can still feel it burning, all these years later. 

He hears Calum sigh and pulls him a little closer. Calum raises up his head, looking at Ashton. “Hey…”

*****

“December Third!” Michael yells. Luke smiles where his face is squished into Michael’s sweatshirt. He feels Michael settle back in after his announcement, and he kisses the soft fabric of his hoodie, playing with one of the strings absentmindedly. 

It’s interesting, he thinks. When he first met Michael, if you had told him he would be lying here with him, snuggled up and in love, he would have laughed in your face. It wasn’t even that he hated Michael, it was that Michael hated  _ him _ .

His mind flashes back to a few years ago, Michael collapsing in giggles on a hotel bed, confessing that he was the one who threw the mystery snowball at Calum back when they were in secondary school, still keeping their distance from each other. They’d all made snow angels that night and Michael had warmed up his cold hands with his own, kissed him and told him he was beautiful. 

If he could go back and change anything, he wouldn’t, not for the world. Every hardship was worth being able to lie in Michael’s arms tonight and say he’s  _ his _ . 

*****

As Michael shouts, “December third!” Calum can’t help but smile as he lays his head back on Ashton’s chest. He thinks back on the last few years, as a band, as a couple with Ashton. He thinks back to Michael’s granny flat, the night they were all drunk when Ashton asked him to marry him in five years. He remembers his excitement, and he’s full of regret when he’s reminded of the months he spent away from Ashton, foolishly looking for something new when deep down, he knew it was pointless. 

He sighs, and he feels Ashton’s arms wrap tighter around him. He lifts up his head. “Hey…” Ashton looks down at him. “Thank you. For being you. For giving me a second chance.” Ashton smiles and kisses him. “The best thing I’ve ever done, my absolute greatest achievement, is loving you.” 

When Ashton kisses him again, Calum can’t help but think it’s a cover up, that if he could see him better, if it wasn’t so dark, he would swear Ashton was blushing as he responds, “I love you more than anything.”

“Do we really need to wait five years to get married?” he asks, and Ashton smiles knowingly. 

“I don’t know,” he sighs, his voice dropping low, nearly inaudible. “We don’t want to steal anyone’s thunder, do we? You’ll have to be the second one proposed to in the band, I think.” 

And that sounds just a bit too  _ on _ to be a coincidence. Calum frowns, suspicious about where Ashton’s coming from, and how he figured out the proposal plan. “What do you know?”

With narrowed eyes, Ashton repeats, “What do  _ you _ know?” 

  
  
  


_ December 31 _

It’s New Year’s Eve, and Michael’s supposed to be having a crazy night, ringing in the new year with a bunch of people he went to highschool with at a party in the city. He’s fucking annoyed because, for some reason, all Ashton, Calum and Luke want to do is stay in at Michael's parents’ granny flat. He  _ would _ say fuck it and go by himself but where they go, he follows, so here they are, walking down the pathway with blankets down the familiar gravel, chatting aimlessly as Michael tries not to fume too visibly at his situation. 

The space beside him suddenly turns cold, and he quirks his head as he watches Luke run ahead as Calum and Ashton slow down next to him. 

“Hey,” Calum says, reaching an arm out to stop Michael from walking. “I think I dropped my… thing. Michael, help me find my thing?” 

Michael frowns, suspicious at just how slow Calum’s voice got. “What’s your thing?” He turns back to the granny flat where Luke’s already disappeared behind the door and starts on the pathway again, anxious to get inside to the air conditioning. 

“You know,” Calum expands, trying to walk in front of Michael, trying to block his way. “My thing. My accessory that I always wear that would be really convenient for me to have right now so that I could drop it and stall you for a few seconds before you - ”

Before he really even started, Michael stops listening to the gibberish and pushes the door open, his brain taking a few seconds to catch up to his eyes when he walks in. Luke’s standing there, amongst a lot of lit candles that Michael recognizes as Ashton’s from his personal collection, and he’s biting his lip nervously, looking at Michael. The candles cast a romantic twinkling light over the familiar room and Michael is almost distracted by it as Luke starts to speak.

“Michael.”

Frowning, Michael hesitates. “… Luke.”

“Uh,” Luke takes a deep breath and wipes his hands on his pants. “I want- um…” Michael furrows his brows and cocks his head to the side. Luke exhales again. “We didn’t get off on the best foot, when we first met.” Michael shakes his head, confused, not sure where this is going or why Luke thinks this is something to talk about with less than an hour to the new year. “There was a solid year where we hated each other. And then one day, I dropped my books, and you helped me pick them up. That was the day I realized you might not be all bad.”

It hits Michael, just how long they’ve known each other, just how long they’ve been wrapped in each other’s lives that they have stories from when they were  _ kids _ . It’s shocking that there was ever a time when Michael wasn’t absolutely in love with Luke Hemmings. Although, according to the story, there  _ was _ , and Michael remembers it clearly, having had forgotten about until just now, reminded by the glow in Luke’s cerulean eyes. 

“The first time you asked me to hang out with you,” Luke continues on a shaky breath, “I thought you were joking, but it was one of the first times I ever felt welcome into someone’s friend group. You played one of my favorite songs to me and I thought maybe I finally fit in somewhere.” Michael nods, he does remember that day, he had been so nervous he’d nearly pulled out all his hair, stumbling all over himself just trying to seem normal after having realized his own feelings. “I remember the time you got us our first gig. You ran into the room and told us and I thought you were joking, but you weren’t. That was the first time I finally realized you wanted to spend time with me, for real. That you really wanted me around, when hardly anyone else had before. That was the first time I really felt like I had friends.”

Michael sniffles a little. He’s starting to melt inside, just like he always does when he thinks about how shy and unsure of himself Luke used to be. Even now, how hesitant he is to post pictures of himself or wear new things. It shouldn’t be like that because Michael knows Luke shines brighter than any star in the sky, and the only hesitation he really needs is being careful not to eclipse the sun.

“When we moved to London, I was so scared, but nothing eased my mind the way you did, you were so caring and attentive and I never, not once, felt alone. Moving there, being with you every day, that’s when I realized I wanted you around, all the time. That’s when I knew you were always going to be part of my life.” Luke shuffles his feet a little, and Michael wipes his eyes, not bothering to hide it when he can see a familiar gleam in Luke’s eyes. “When we filmed the video for Amnesia, I remember watching you sing on the hood of that old car, and thinking about how I couldn’t get you out of my head, no matter what I was doing. I remember how beautiful I thought you were under the lights and how I never wanted to stop looking at you. That’s when I realized I wanted you as more than a friend.”

“…  _ Fuck _ .” 

And with that admission, when the phrasing and the giggle Ashton lets out behind him, Michael realizes  _ exactly _ what this is, and  _ fuck _ , he’s the one who’s supposed to do this. He’s been planning for an entire fucking year on doing this, and there’s no way that Luke’s stealing his thunder, there’s  _ no _ -

“The first time you kissed me was a turning point in my life,” Luke says. He inches closer, more in Michael’s space. “It terrified me, and excited me, and I’ll always regret the way I handled it after. I was too young and too scared to let you in like you deserved, and I could have saved us a lot of time if I’d been better at communicating.” Michael nods, sniffling at his feet. “And when you got hurt, that night at Wembley, I felt like my whole world was caving in. The only thing I could think of was that I never got the chance to tell you how I felt, the idea of losing you scared me more than anything, more than being with you ever could. So that was the day I finally told you how I felt. That was probably the best decision I’ve ever made in my life.” He chuckles through a stray tear that rolls down his cheek. “Well, hopefully until today.”

And that’s when Michael knows for sure what’s happening, and he shakes his head. Nope, this isn’t fair, it was supposed to be  _ him _ , not Luke. He starts patting his own jacket down for Luke’s ring in vain, even when he knows it’s sitting at home in his underwear drawer. “Wait,” he urges through a wavering voice. “Fuck,  _ fuck you,  _ I’m supposed to… I was going to…” 

Luke laughs a little before he keeps going and he has a knowing look on his face. “Since that day, there hasn’t been a single second that I’ve regretted that decision. Since that day, you’ve helped me grow, helped me learn, helped me become a better person. Since then I’ve somehow managed to love you more each day.” He reaches in his pocket and starts to pull out a box and Michael shakes his head, wiping at his eyes furiously

“You put that back right now!” He shouts. Luke starts to put it away, and Michael shakes his head even more. “No, what are you doing? Ask me, come on!” 

Laughing through his own tears, Luke pulls out the box again and gets down on one knee clumsily. 

“Michael,” he says, and Michael nods, his cheeks flooding with his own happiness. “I’ve loved you since I was just a kid, I love you now and I’ll love you for as long as you’ll let me.” He opens the box and there's a ring sitting gently surrounded black velvet. Michael sobs, a choked noise coming out. “Will you marry me?” 

Unable to stop the snivelling weeps from coming out, Michael nods fervently, dropping down on his own knees so that he and Luke are face to face, shuffling in so that Luke can slide the ring on his finger. He leans forward and kisses Luke and it’s wet with the tears they’re both crying, but it’s probably the best moment of his entire life to date. 

Everything, from that day Michael and Calum watched Luke come tripping into class, sliding into the last free seat available, it’s all been leading to  _ this _ . 

His thoughts are slightly interrupted when he hears Calum cheering from the doorway. “I can’t believe we’re all getting married!” 

Michael pulls away from Luke and grins, taking in the sight of his two best friends for a moment before they're barreling towards him and Luke, and he’s being crushed under their weight in the happiest, most tear-filled doggy pile in the world. He grins and closes his eyes. 

As long as the winding road has been, leading them to this oasis, Michael knows this is just the beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are always appreciated, we love hearing what you all thought!


	12. Epilogue

**_2019_ **

_ Summer _

In the midst of their promo for Easier, in between two Los Angeles shows, Ashton finds himself in his new backyard, taking a break. Calum, Luke, and Michael are around the yard with him, lemonade in their hands as they kick back in lawn chairs. It’s not often that they have the time to just rest, but after taking the better part of two days to relocate all of Ashton’s furniture into Calum’s house, it’s what they all deserve. 

A few weeks ago, after much deliberation on the subject, Ashton and Calum decided that it was  _ time _ . Calum has subtly been slipping into conversation that he thought they were ready, but Ashton refused to even mention it until Calum asked first, wanting to make sure that they weren’t rushing into anything without full, in-depth conversations about it. 

When they asked Luke and Michael to assist them in moving the furniture, they were expecting protesting and a hesitance to say yes before showing up late. It wasn’t exactly like that. In fact, Michael and Luke had been much more willing to help them than most people would have been, spurred on by how excited they were for their friends settling down together. They showed up before Ashtonwas even fully awake, still cuddled into Calum when the knocks came pounding on the door. 

Sometimes it all feels too good to be true - but not in the same, devastating way it did when they’d first gotten back together. Lately Ashton feels more settled in the relationship, more secure that Calum’s being honest with him. There comes the occasional day when he wonders, maybe, if he’s so blinded by his love that another terrifying epiphany is just around the corner of Calum’s mind, but then Calum holds him tight or kisses the palm of his hand or harmonizes with Ashton as he sings in the shower, and Ashton realizes that it’s another break up can’t happen when they’re so, stupidly perfect for each other. 

“I’ve been thinking very hard about it,” Michael says suddenly between sips of his drink. His legs are crossed where they’re stretched out in front of him, and he’s staring to his left where Luke’s cheeks are hollowed around his straw. Neither of them even blink at the context. “And I think I’m on board with the ice sculpture idea.” 

“Babe, that’s your idea.” Luke rolls his eyes, and Ashton hides his grin by ducking his head down. “Of course you’re on board. It’s everyone else that’s not sure about it.” 

“Lukey, think about what you’re passing up here!” 

They’ve been planning their wedding for the past few months, and while they agree on most things, there are some sensitive topics that don’t do much else than cause a fight. Michael refuses to give in and have dandelions in his bouquet like Luke wants, and Luke won’t stop telling Michael how tacky and pointless his idea for an ice sculpture is. 

It’s an ongoing argument that doesn’t show signs of solving itself. 

“A two thousand dollar puddle?” Luke snorts. He drinks from his straw again, steadfastly ignoring Michael’s pout. 

“You could always switch to a winter wedding,” Calum suggests. “Maybe Alaska.” Their wedding isn’t even close to being finalized, but the very first thing they decided on was to get married back home in Sydney so their families could be there - Alaska is more than out of the question. Luke raises his eyebrows at Calum, and Calum shrugs. “Maybe a lava statue then.” 

“Don’t give him any ideas.” 

Pointing at Luke, Michael decides, “We’ll table this for now, but this isn’t over.” He turns over on his hip so he’s looking at Calum. He smiles the same, too-wide, hiding-something grin that always precedes something big and smug. “I do have something else to discuss with  _ you,  _ though.” 

“Oh?”

“Mhm.” Michael nods along to Calum’s wonder. He stretches the wait out by slowly closing his lips around his own straw and sucking down the rest of his drink. He pops off before announcing, “I’ve been thinking for a while about this, and I want you, Calum Hood,” he stretches out his arms dramatically, “to be my best man!”

Ashton hears the words quicker than Calum does, grinning softly to himself as he watches his boyfriend’s jaw drop. Ashton could’ve seen this coming from a mile away - of  _ course _ they’re going to be the best men. Who else would they choose? Jack Barakat and Drew from the Chainsmokers? Of course not. Calum and Ashton are the obvious choices. 

“Me?” Calum asks, pointing at himself, sitting up straighter. “Really?”

“Of course! You’re my best friend, aren’t you?” Michael asks. He puts his glass on the patio next to his chair. “Plus, I trust you to throw the best bachelor party ever.”

Ashton hides his laugh around the rim of his cup, the straw poking the tip of his nose. Calum’s guaranteed to get everybody so fucked up that they won’t be able to remember the night. Calum preens at the compliment to his party skills, leaning back in his seat and closing his eyes as he angles his head up to the sky. 

They’ve all been together through so much, and it’s exciting to think that the past eight years are only the beginning. They’ve still got so many big moments to look forward to, and Ashton can’t wait to face it all. He looks to Luke, excited to be asked himself. 

But when nobody makes a move to prompt the question, Ashton pouts before allowing himself to ask, “So… who’s yours?” He’s trying to be nonchalant, like he doesn’t really care about the answer, but Luke seems to look right through it, grimacing at the words. 

“Uh, Jack, actually,” he says, and Ashton feels his stomach twist. “He begged me,” Luke rushes to explain, sensing Ashton’s disappointment, “and I couldn’t say no.”

He  _ could  _ have, Ashton thinks bitterly, sad at the thought that he’ll have to settle for just being a groomsman in the wedding of his two best friends. He loves weddings, is the thing. He loves the romance and the grand declarations, and the  _ dancing _ , and now he’s going to have such a small role. 

That is, if they even  _ ask _ him to be a regular groomsman. 

From his chair across from Ashton, Michael’s look at him with an annoyingly  _ knowing  _ look, and Ashton narrows his eyes, making it clear that he’s not happy with his lack of a title. Michael has no right to look that  _ smug _ when Jack Hemmings just ruined his entire life. 

“Don’t look so pinched, Ash,” Michael teases. 

“I do not look pinched.”

Luke grins when he notices the wrinkles on Ashton’s forehead as he frowns at them. “Yes you do.”

“I’ll pinch  _ you _ ,” Ashton mumbles, wishing they were all just a little bit closer together so he could make good on his threat. 

“Jack may be Luke’s best man, but we have another job for you,” Michael tells him. 

When nothing else is said, Ashton waves his hand, making a few circular motions with it, needing to hear what the offer is. “Which is?” He refuses to go down as just another basic part of this wedding, especially not just as a  _ guest.  _ No, he may not have been around since they were ten, or whenever Michael and Calum met, but he’s been there for a while - he took Luke in when he couldn’t stand to live alone. 

He deserves a lot more than just a standard invitation. 

“Well, we thought about it for a while and we decided,” Luke starts. He’s speaking the slowest Ashton thinks he’s ever heard him, and his own impatience has never been more apparent than it is when Calum’s interrupting giggles only make his frown deepen. “If you’re interested, of course… we’d like you to officiate.” 

“What?”

“You know,” Luke explains, even though Ashton already knows what he’s asking, he just can’t believe it’s being asked of him. “We want you to, I guess, kind of be the priest.” 

“Really?” Ashton wonders.

“ _ Really _ ?” Calum repeats, sounding full of disbelief and uncertainty. Ashton’s honored and surprised gazed turns into something of betrayal as he snaps his gaze to where Calum’s staring dubiously at them. “Sorry, it’s just, you know. You’re wordy. It’ll be a long ceremony, that’s all.” 

Ashton pouts, knowing that he may be privy to a short story, but the sentiment always makes it worth it. “I can keep it short.”

“Keep it as short or long as you want,” Michael tells him, “we trust you.” It feels better, having that reassurance, and Ashton’s already forgiving Luke in his head for throwing Ashton’s role to his brother, and he’s starting to outline his speech. “You and Cal know us better than anyone in the world, we want you to be as involved as possible.”

Just like Ashton  _ knew _ . There was no way this wedding was going to happen without Calum and Ashton being just as involved, if not more, than Michael and Luke themselves. He grins, happy again, and settles back in his chair, sipping the remainder of his lemonade. As he does, he hears a sniff and looks over to see Calum discreetly wiping a tear from his eye. Calum never gets emotional like this, so Ashton giggles a little bit, and Calum glares at him

They’re interrupted by Duke’s tiny body trotting up to them, his collar jingling as he goes, and jumping onto Calum’s chair to climb into his lap. 

“Your father is mean,” Calum whispers to the dog. Ashton shakes his head, looking at them fondly.

“So?” Luke asks, voice breaking through the air. “What about you two? Do we get to know our parts in your wedding?”

Shaking his head, Ashton sighs. “Ah, it’s a little too early to be thinking about that.”

But it isn’t - it’s a complete lie. Just as they’ve been talking about moving in together, they’ve been talking about a  _ lot _ more. Getting married is something they’ve always had planned for the future, but after the past year, they promised each other that there was no way they were going to steal their friends’ thunder. They can handle being just boyfriends for a little while longer. 

They’ve got their whole lives together, after all. 

“Much too early,” Calum agrees with an inconspicuous wink to Ashton. 

Ashton thinks about the ring he has in the nightstand next to his bed. Calum’s seen it before, - hell, he helped pick it out a few weeks back. They’ve had lots of discussions, and he knows when the timing is right, he’ll propose and Calum will say yes. Until then, one step at a time. 

And he’s going to savor every single one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you SO much for joining us on this journey. This fic is everything to us, and we hope you loved it as much.

**Author's Note:**

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